May 30, 2012 at 10:17 am #28086
OK guys, so I broke up with my most recent boyfriend about 9 months ago. I was the one who ended the relationship, though I know the breakup didn’t come as a surprise to him. We’d been kind of rocky for a while before it ended, so I know I didn’t catch him completely off guard in the end. We haven’t communicated at all in the past nine months…absolutely nothing.
BUT, we’re both in a wedding next month. I’m the maid of honor and he’s a groomsman. I decided to send him an email to see if he might be interested in getting lunch before the wedding, to catch up. I told him I thought it might be easier for us to catch up one-on-one than in front of a bunch of people at a rehearsal dinner. I mentioned that I didn’t want him to have to feel like a stranger at the wedding. I was very casual and nice about it, and strictly platonic. I told him that while there are some ex-boyfriends who I don’t really care to catch up with or be friends with in any way, he wasn’t one of them. I’ve always liked him as a person, still like him as a person, and would love to hear what’s going on in his life right now.
Anyway, he didn’t respond for like 5 days and when he did, he basically fed me lines, which really was never his style…broad stuff like “Oh it’s great to hear from you, I’m really busy so I’ll let you know if I have time to get lunch.” I mean, I dated this guy for years. I know what he’s doing now, and I know that he’s not too busy to have lunch once in the next 3 weeks. I get that it was just an excuse, but I’m annoyed that he fed me lines instead of being more honest with me. He and I always had a really good rapport of being honest and open, and we both always hated when people made flimsy excuses. I feel kind of insulted that I tried pretty hard to craft an email that wouldn’t seem awkward or weird, and that was friendly and well-meaning…and he just blew me off.
I know he has the right to blow me off, if that’s what he wants to do. I guess I’m just confused as to why he wouldn’t even care to sit down to have lunch with me. Is he still hurting from our breakup? Has he just become so neutral that he can’t be made to care to meet up with me? I wouldn’t have bothered to reach out to him if we weren’t going to have to spend a significant amount of time together next month…I thought it would be a good way to break the ice. Guess he feels differently?
Anyway, I guess I’m not really asking a question. Just kind of writing in a stream-of-consciousness way borne of my confusion. I would have liked for us to at least be friendly, if not actually FRIENDS. But maybe it’s too soon for that?May 30, 2012 at 10:18 am #28087
Oh and to clarify, I know that he isn’t currently dating anyone. We have a lot of mutual friends, so I’ve heard the basic news about him over the past nine months. Nothing huge seems to have changed in his life, it would seem.May 30, 2012 at 10:26 am #28090
I think there are a lot of reasons for him to justify (to himself) blowing you off for lunch. Not really sure you’ll be able to get an answer about it. Could be he still cares, could also be he is the type of person that just doesn’t have space for ex-gf’s in his life, he could deem your period of mourning or emotional devestation post-break up as less than satisfactory for him so he is bitter……or anything outside of that or in-between.
You did what you could…just be pleasant at the wedding and hopefully he doesn’t make it awkward for your mutual friends. If he does it is pretty clear he is to blame since you extended the olive branch prior to the wedding.May 30, 2012 at 10:29 am #28091
Ummmm. RR, he doesn’t owe you anything. You broke up with him, so spending any time with you wouldnt’ be worth his time. He may rather just blow you off, because he doesn’t even want to be casual “friends” with you, and quite frankly, I don’t blame him. I have had no desire to remain friends with my ex’s, whether I’m dating someone or not. Once you sever the ties, there’s really nothing there if both parties are not ok with developing a friendship.May 30, 2012 at 10:30 am #28093
if i was still upset about a breakup, i would feed you lines too. its easier to do that then to say im sorry but seeing you will bring me sadness that i have been trying to get over for 9 months and im not ready for that yet.
even if you thought you saw the breakup coming, he might not have in the way you think he did, you know? you gotta remember that.
i agree with budj- you did what you could, now just be polite at the wedding.May 30, 2012 at 10:35 am #28095
Yeah I’m with Will.i.am I don’t particularly care to be friends with my ex’s. Even when I’ve had to interact and see them I definitely would not have wanted to meet before. I’d rather just deal with them when I had to and otherwise not interact. Like Budj and Katie said just be polite at the wedding and know that even though you wouldn’t mind he obviously has no desire to be friends.May 30, 2012 at 10:35 am #28096
Will — I definitely want to clarify that I don’t feel “owed” anything. But like Budj said, I extended the “olive branch of peace” and I guess I wasn’t really expecting him to turn it down. It caught me off guard in a way, and confused me, because (after dating him for years) I know him really well, and always thought he’d be cool with being friendly after enough time had passed. Not friends, just friendly.
And again, I didn’t just arbitrarily decide to reach out because I’d deemed the time passed to have been sufficient. I reached out because we’re both going to be seeing a lot of each other at a big event in a few weeks, and thought an icebreaker would be nice. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have reached out at all.May 30, 2012 at 10:36 am #28097
Perhaps I’m not the best person to give advice on this topic, but the only thought that came to mind is maybe he’s just not “there” yet. I know that in your mind, 9 months of no contact is plenty long enough, and that at the very least, being friendly isn’t too much to ask. But maybe, for whatever reason, he’s not ready. I think you should try very hard not to take it personally (easier said than done, I know) and realize that everyone has their reasons. Speculating on what his reason might be will just exhaust you. It might have nothing to do with you, it might have everything to do with you. Who knows? Don’t go there, and just accept that you’ll probably just say hello at the wedding and that’s it.
As far as the email not seeming like “him”, I do feel you on that because I sometimes get emails from my ex-husband, a man I’ve known for going on 15 years, and they’re not written the way he used to write to me. But what we had is gone, so he’s much more formal and to the point when he writes to me. That’s just how it is. It’s hard to understand or accept that someone you knew so well seems different, but we all change as a result of relationships that end, so the reality is that he ISN’T the same guy you used to know, not entirely.May 30, 2012 at 10:37 am #28098
I think it’s good that you wanted to break the ice before you were forced to spend time together face-to-face, and I also think that he SHOULD have set up a time to meet with you in order to avoid awkwardness at the wedding. But for whatever reason, he didn’t, and he isn’t obligated to give you a reason why. Just be cordial when you see him for the wedding stuff, and let him take the lead as far as interactions go. Don’t push it if he’s not ready.May 30, 2012 at 10:39 am #28099
It’s hard with these things – one person’s friendly and well-meaning is another person’s awkward and weird. If you haven’t had any contact since the break-up then reaching out might seem odd to him. He probably just figured he would be friendly when he saw you at the wedding events and the private lunch/catch up before was more what “just friendly” would require. I can see his point – truly I only have lunch with friends – not people I’m only interested in being just friendly with. I wouldn’t take the I’ll check my schedule excuse to heart – really it’s just a soft way of saying no thanks. Coming right out and saying no might very well make it awkward when you do meet up for the wedding. If you want to be friends with your ex – then that is different – but I don’t get the sense you want to be friends in any case. Don’t let it bug you. Be friendly when you see him – I’m sure it will be fine. I didn’t really understand the part about not wanting him to have to feel like a stranger at the wedding – why would he have to feel like that?May 30, 2012 at 10:40 am #28100
You can always hope for the best…. maybe the act of offering gives him a few weeks to warm up to you at the wedding rather than dreading seeing you.May 30, 2012 at 10:41 am #28101
You did the dumping, so you don’t really get a say in when it’s time to be friends….that’s totally up to him. While it’s admirable to want to be friends, it probably would have been better for you to let him take the lead and approach you about catching up. As it stands, I would take his lead…respond to the email (maybe), with an “okay, I’ll see you at the wedding then”. And at the wedding, let him approach you.May 30, 2012 at 10:43 am #28102
budj thats a great point- just the fact that you asked, RR, is going to be a positive sign for him… atleast hopefully. he will hopefully take that as, ok good she isnt going to be weird and completely ignore me or anything and that will take some weight off his shoulders if he was dreading seeing you.May 30, 2012 at 10:43 am #28103
FireStar — In answer to your question ” I didn’t really understand the part about not wanting him to have to feel like a stranger at the wedding – why would he have to feel like that?” — I just felt that if the first time since breaking up with him was in front of a bunch of people at a wedding, where we couldn’t really talk at all and establish any sort of rapport, that we’d feel a bit like strangers. I thought it would be more comfortable if we could maybe ease into a bit of a rapport before being thrust into it, you know? But I guess that’s not how he feels?May 30, 2012 at 10:43 am #28104
^ Agreed. And don’t avoid eye contact but don’t stare him down, haha.
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