Not letting the past repeat itself

[AnnaParticipant]

I’ve shared on here before the bad traumatic story of how I lost my virginity. My relationship with my first boyfriend had just ended, and I went to party with a couple work friends and got too drunk…a guy from my high school took advantage of my condition to have sex with me. I went to the party with a guy friend I had trusted at the time. We’ll call him Dale. The next day, I was angry at myself for getting too drunk but also angry at Dale for not having my back. I was also angry that the owners of the trailer where the party was held kicked me out “for being a slut” and made me drive home drunk. Nobody had my back. After that, I quit the job where I saw those people every day and didn’t talk to them for a long time.

After years of not talking, Dale and I reconnected on Facebook a couple years ago. Last week, he messaged me saying he was sorry to hear about my breakup and he invited me to a party this Friday night. I said I would think about it, but the more I think back, it seems like a really bad idea. He has proven himself untrustworthy as a friend. Even if I do decide to go, I’ve already decided it would be very brief and I would stay sober. But I just can’t bear to bring back those memories, and I’ve never talked to him about that night and how traumatic it was for me. I always wanted to lose my virginity in a beautiful, special way and that was robbed from me because of a couple bad decisions and trusting people who weren’t trustworthy.

I guess my point is…do you agree with me that it would be a bad idea to go to the party? And when I tell him I’m not coming should I just say something else came up or be honest about why I’m not coming? This incident happened almost 10 years ago so it might be unfair to dig up old dirt.

[katieParticipant]

if you dont want to be around a bunch of people who were at best disrespectful of you, it is absolutely your right not to.

as far as having the past repeat itself, you are an intelligent, strong woman, and no one can take advantage of you like that if you dont let it happen. have your own back!! lol

[katieParticipant]

oh, and about telling him why you are declining- you could always just go, remember that terrible party X amount of years ago when we stopped talking? well, it really put a bad taste in my mouth for parties. forever. especially with you/this group of people.

[lets_be_honestParticipant]

Ok, just so you know, if I’m reading this correctly, Dale is NOT the one you slept with that night. So here’s my advice, assuming that’s the case.
Dale wasn’t hired as a babysitter for you that night. He invited his friend out, could have easily assumed you were having fun, under control and wanted to hook up with this other dude. This was not his fault.
Now, going forward, I think its cool an old friend reached out to invite you somewhere, likely thinking it’d cheer you up. He gets points for that. You get points for deciding you will not get drunk to make sure you have a good night. I say go, catch up with friends, get your mind elsewhere for a bit, then go home.

[bethanyParticipant]

I think you should go to the party. Tell Dale you can only stay for an hour or so, so you’ll meet him there. Have a drink, be social, meet people and then leave.
As lbh pointed out, it’s not his fault something bad happened to you- He might not have known just how drunk you really were, and he might have thought you were into it. Also, he would have been 18-19 when this happened- I doubt he was of the mindset, “must watch over Anna”- he was probably having a good time, trying to pick up girls and getting drunk. That’s what teenage boys do at a party. He’s an adult now, and he reached out to you in a friendly manner… So I say give him a chance.

It would be good for you to get out an do something different anyway. Just make sure you stick to 1 drink and leave, even if you’re having fun- it only takes a second for things to get out of control.

[SkyblossomParticipant]

Unless you want to reconnect with Dale I don’t see any good reason to go. It’s bringing back bad memories and you don’t trust him and you don’t really want to go so why go? Jumping back into a group of people that you left behind years ago for good reasons probably isn’t going to do anything positive for you.

[Michelle.LeaParticipant]

meh. i wouldnt go myself. it doesnt really sound like you truly want to talk to him again. there will be other parties!

if you do decide to go, take someone else that you trust with you, or dont drink. i’m hella paranoid and wont drink unless my fiance is with me, or a friend i know will watch out for me (and sometimes, i still wont have more than 1 drink).

[FabelleParticipant]

If you’re already thinking about it in terms of the past repeating itself, then I think it’ll be bad vibes (at the very least) if you go. It’s not about digging up “old dirt” or holding a grudge– it’s about protecting your own state of mind.

[AnnaParticipant]

Good points were raised by all. The assumption that it wasn’t Dale I slept with is true. If it had been, I would be much more ok with it because he was my friend all throughout high school and at one point I did like him in that way. Unfortunately, the person I did sleep with is just about the worst person I can imagine sleeping with – the younger brother of the worst jock asshole in my graduating class. I still shudder thinking about it, even though I only remember vague bits and pieces.

I most definitely do have my own back these days. I wasn’t so smart when I was 18-19. I regret that majorly. I was way too sheltered as a kid and never allowed to leave the house, so I went a little crazy and was irresponsible when I finally escaped.

I haven’t reached an official decision on the party yet because I have other plans in the afternoon Friday that could possibly stretch into evening but may not. I’m going shopping with my bestie in the afternoon and sometimes that ends up in a house party at her house, which is a much more preferable option to me. Also, her house is a lot closer to home than the place where Dale’s party is. It’s only a 20 min drive from her house; the other party would be an hour each way. So if we end up having a good time and wanting to keep it going, I will probably just stay at her house.

[denialbusterParticipant]

Long time reader here, never a commenter. Until now. Something about this one of Anna’s threads has encouraged me to say something that needs to be said. Anna, I have never seen anyone live so deep in denial, for so long, as you. If you want to heal, listen up!

You continue to blame others for your own problems. Your BOYFRIEND led you on for 9 years, you say? No! YOU let yourself live with him for 9 years, in denial that he’d ever propose. When the DW community told you that it sounded like he was just saying what you wanted to hear you even got offended, insisting that he would never do that. And they were right. Without even knowing him, they saw through his act. To be honest, his ACTIONS seem pretty straight forward and honest to me! You can spend your time thinking back and over-analyzing each word he may have said to lead you astray, but you’ll never get better. Focus on what about YOU let yourself live with a guy for NINE YEARS without marriage if marriage was so important to you? How deep in the sand did you have your head buried to have ignored the signs for NINE YEARS, signs that even DW commenters could see? Figure out why YOU did that, and don’t repeat it. You know that famous saying, “fool me once, shame on you, fool me for 9 years, shame on me” … or something like that.

But now you’re at it again! You can’t even seem to own up to your failure of over-drinking that horrible night –what happened seems to be everyone else’s fault! Your first ex broke up with you, so you wanted to party. (His fault?) Your parents were strict, so you didn’t know how to handle drinking, their fault? Dale didn’t have your back, his fault? You blame the owners of the trailer too. I get that what happened to you was an awful experience, and perhaps all of these other players shirked some responsibility. But you will never be able to make others act responsibility. I in no way seek to victim-blame, but you have to learn from that experience and take responsibility over things you can (i.e., YOU), so you don’t put yourself in that situation again.

There will always be shitty people in the world, and if you want to spend your life blaming them, go for it. But if you want to take control, please look at yourself. What about YOU is allowing this to happen and what about YOU can you work on? Get your head out of the sand, stop wasting your energy being mad at other people, and work on yourself. You are in control of yourself, for the love of god woman! It’s painful to see you repeat these patterns and continue to live in denial.

[KristenParticipant]

I think that was a little uncalled for. No one knows what it’s like to be on the inside of someone else’s relationship, and it’s a lot easier said than done. As a longtime reader, you should know that people come to DW for support and encouragement, not to be told off by a complete stranger because their choices frustrate you.

[gillociraptorParticipant]

denialbuster, Anna said this in the post before yours: “I most definitely do have my own back these days. I wasn’t so smart when I was 18-19. I regret that majorly.” That doesn’t seem like she is placing the blame solely on others. While she does mention that she was sheltered and went a little crazy, that doesn’t come across as her blaming her parents, in my eyes. That comes across as her explaining her actions. A lot of sheltered kids end up doing exactly the same thing when they’re finally on their own. I was the opposite of sheltered, and I look at that as one of the reasons I was very responsible when I was young. The way you are raised affects you, and Anna definitely seems aware of that, but nowhere in there do I see her blaming her parents.

I know that it can be frustrating when you see things in other people that they do not see in themselves, but it’s also really easy to make inferences that aren’t true when you’re not part of the person’s life.

[LParticipant]

denialbuster, that really wasn’t appropriate to attack Anna like that. As gillociraptor said, Anna admitted that she realizes now that she didn’t make smart decisions back when this particular incident happened when she was 18-19. I admit there have been a few things about her whole situation that I personally haven’t been able to understand, but I try my best to keep an open mind. You need to realize that there is MUCH more to the whole situation than we know. We only know what Anna has shared here. We don’t know her personally. We can’t make assumptions.

[caitie_didntParticipant]

denialbuster: well that was a rude- ass reply. I especially like your name, how you’ve styled yourself to be some great white light of truth cutting through the echo chamber of these forums and showing Anna and all of us the one true belief/answer.

That last bit was sarcasm, fyi.

[AnnaParticipant]

I would like to thank those who are defending me. A mean reply like that just really makes me think I should stop posting here. I’ve admitted that I made mistakes, but following my heart for 9 years was not one of them. He legitimately hurt me. He straight up TOLD me we were going to get married and have an awesome family, and then he took it back. I loved him with all my heart and I still do. Marriage only became a top priority for me in the last few years. Prior to age 25 and graduating college, I wasn’t so concerned about when I would get married. I started posting here about it because I was genuinely frustrated. It’s over now. Is my broken heart not punishment enough for you or do you need to give me some more shit?

When it comes to that party almost 10 years ago, I feel I have the right to not blame the entire thing on myself. Sure, I shouldn’t have gotten so drunk. That was my mistake. However, any time I go out with friends I am actively watching my friends’ backs. If someone gets really drunk and starts wandering off with a stranger, I will make sure they’re safe. And if someone is drinking at my home, I definitely would not kick them out and make them drive home drunk. I didn’t even remember driving home that night I was so drunk. I was told when I came that I could stay the night if I was unable to drive. Furthermore, the “friends” I came with did nothing when I was kicked out to drive home drunk. No one offered to drive me home or find me a safe way home. I’m sorry, but that’s not true friendship or even human decency in any language. Even if a friend of a friend who I’ve never met before was drunk at my house, I wouldn’t let them drive home drunk.

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