May 18, 2013 at 8:34 pm #74858
I would like to start by thanking everyone who replies to this message. I am currently dealing with a lot of things that have been pilling up over time and I am very confused and unsure about what to do next.
The biggest challenge I am facing is that my boyfriend and I have very different perspectives and believes regarding the topic of faithfulness and priorities.
From the beginning I have been 100% committed to our relationship and at first I believed he was too. Overtime however, I’ve been find out about incidents were he hasn’t been faithful in my eyes and also were he hasn’t given our relationship the importance I feel it deserves. I have been honest and open with him about these things since the beginning so that he knew where my boundaries were. He disagrees and says he doesn’t feel the same way, and this has led to him doing those things anyways, consciously knowing it would hurt me. He feels that because he doesn’t agree with me he shouldn’t have to implement them in his life, and this is really taken a tole on our relationship.
I started finding out about sexually suggestive texts and messages to other girls that he says are just friends- while dating me, I found out about incidents were he hooked up with girls that had boyfriends at the time – before we dated, and I found out about plans he had made with girls to see them while he was away on trips – while dating me. Some of these ‘friends’ are ex girlfriends and some are girls he has met online before dating me or on trips.
I felt very insulted and disrespected when I found out he was having these sorts of encounters and conversations with other girls while being with me and it strained my trust in him. Before all that I felt like I could trust him completely and after I felt deceived. He told me all the texts and messages and plans were just jokes and that he would never cheat on me. He told me that the hook ups before me would never happen again and that he knew it was wrong.
A couple of months after he was going to Vegas for a music festival and I was worried about it since I had found out about plans he had to meet with the same girl he had hooked up with before dating me. Before leaving to vegas he contacted her and told her they would no longer talk and he also assured me he no longer talked to any of those friends or ex girlfriends. After this conversation I felt better about the whole trip and our relationship because I felt like he had actually changed and wasn’t being deceitful anymore.
When he came back he said nothing happened with anyone and told me all about his trip and things continued to be really good between us. However, later on I found out that the whole time he was in vegas he had been contacting one of the ex girlfriends again. I never found out what was said, but again it broke my heart to see I had trusted him and he had lied again about not talking to her.
He argues and says that he shouldn’t have to not talk to some people to be with me, and in some ways I agree. I don’t have an issue with him talking to friends, even ex girlfriends, but my issue is when it’s the ones he was having inappropriate conversations with. I told him that if he really wasn’t saying anything inappropriate again when he talked to her then he wouldn’t have deleted all the messages and he wouldn’t have lied to me and said they no longer talked. He again assured me he would not talk to her anymore.
I feel like he is not being honest and also feel like our relationship and my feelings should be more important than talking to those ‘friends’, but he won’t understand this.
Later I moved away for work for 1 year and one of the times he was visiting me he went behind my back to see the same ex from the vegas incident while I was at work (she lives in the city I was working in). He was late meeting up with me because he was with her and I quickly figured it all out and caught him. I kicked him out that night so he changed his flight and went back home and we didn’t speak for a couple of days.
When we talked again most of our conversations were really hurtful. For a while he continued saying that it was his friend and I couldn’t tell him he couldn’t talk to her. I told him that he shouldn’t have lied to me in the first place, and that he hadn’t kept his word when he said he wouldn’t talk to her again after lying about it while in vegas, so it didn’t matter anymore if he thought it was fair or not, and that it needed to stop. Eventually I think he understood that in order to continue our relationship things had to change, so he messaged her telling her he would no longer contact her and he deleted her number and deleted her from online sites. He also realized that it was very difficult for me to trust him so he started telling me when he was going out and who he was with, and although it was hard, and we had bad days I was beginning to trust him again and it really felt like he was really trying to be completely honest with me now.
Then one of his best friends was going to get married so he was invited to his bachelor party. I didn’t like this very much because I think someone who is in a committed relationship should not be going to the strippers. I think it’s just plain disrespectful towards your partner. He knew I felt this already but I talked to him about it again before he went and he assured me there were no plans to go to the strippers, just dinner and drinks at his friend’s place. He told me to please trust him and that he wasn’t going to do things that would hurt me again. A couple of days later we were out with his friends and they started talking about their night at the strippers so I quickly realized that he had lied to me. He felt I was being unfair and he didn’t like that I expected him to bitch his friends just because I didn’t want him going there. I personally didn’t understand why he didn’t just leave after dinner and drinks and kept his promise not to go. I told him I was really tired of him doing things he knew hurt me, specially after promising me he wouldn’t. I told him I didn’t feel like I could trust him because he never seemed to keep his word. Things were pretty rough for a while but slowly we got better.
Recently he has been planning another trip to vegas for another show, and said he was going with 2 other friends. He has joined a couple of groups online to get to know some of the people attending the show, but had been honest about it with me and wasn’t hiding anything, so I didn’t think it was something to worry about. However, the last couple of days I noticed some suggestive messages again to some of the girls on that group, giving them his personal number and telling them to contact him and suggesting they come visit him at his hotel so they can go to topless pool parties together. On top of that I also found out that he is really going by to be by himself there because his friends aren’t planning to go until the last 2 days of his 1 week stay. I confronted him about these things because it really hurt me to see these things happening again but he said that I was just being paranoid. The very next morning after this conversation, I found out he had been searching for his ex (the same one as before) on multiple online sites. This really bothered me because on top of all the other issues we have going on he is now trying to find his ex behind my back again.
He left on a weekend trip the day this happened, so I haven’t had a change to talk to him much about this. All that I said was that I didn’t understand why he was starting to do all these things again and that it was very hurtful to see that we had worked so hard to rebuild the trust between us but he now went and broke it again. I told him that I wasn’t sure why he was dating me anymore because it felt like he isn’t willing to not do things that hurt me, and he said he wasn’t sure either. I told him to please think about it and get back to me when he can tell me what he really wants, and that if he does indeed want me things will really need to change this time around. I told him i was not sure how I am going to be able to trust him after this so that he will have to come up with ways to show me that he is trustworthy this time, rather than just saying he is.
He won’t be back for another couple of days, and I haven’t contacted him at all since. I am really confused and don’t know what to do anymore. I have thought carefully about what I want and I have realized I do want to be with him, and I have evaluated my reasons to be with him and there is still so many positive things in our relationship that I don’t feel it is right to end things. However, I also know that this is something that is pretty serious and that I don’t deserve to continue being deceived like this. I am unsure about what he is thinking or feeling, so I am waiting to hear back from him, but this is very difficult. My mind is obsessing about all the possible scenarios and I am worried sick that he will decide he no longer wants me. I know if he decides that he doesn’t want me anymore it is pointless for me to fight to be with someone who doesn’t want me, but at the same time I can’t bare the thought of him even deciding that in the first place. I am worried that all this fighting will affect his decision and he won’t take into consideration all the good things. I am also worried about how to move forward if he does want to stay. How can I trust him again, and how will he show me that he is trustworthy again? We have a great relationship aside from all this, and even after all the arguments regarding the past incidents we were able to come out strong and continue having a good relationship, so I am very frustrated and confused as to why he started doing those things again if he knew it would create problems again.
I would love to get some advice, some insight, or even some possible suggestions as to what I could say to him or how to get him to understand how serious this all is to me. He won’t be back for another couple of days, so I am hoping to sort of my feelings and thoughts before he does so that when we talk I have a better idea about how to handle the situation.
So again, thank you so much for taking the time to read this, and I hope to get some replies soon.May 18, 2013 at 9:51 pm #74861
OK, here’s the deal: your relationship isn’t “great”. He absolutely doesn’t respect and you don’t trust him. That’s not how a healthy relationship should be. Not one thing that you mentioned in your post indicated that this relationship is a healthy one.
I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but you need to move on from him. He’s manipulative and has control of you because you keep forgiving him and coming back to him despite all these things. A man who respects you won’t say “I don’t have to do what you say”. A man who respects you will listen to you and work to find a compromise. This man isn’t doing any such thing. It’s obvious he isn’t even willing to listen to you.
He’s saying one thing so you’ll trust him and yet he’s doing another. Actions speak much louder than words. If in your gut you are unable to trust him, that should tell you something. You can trust your gut. You know this isn’t acceptable behavior. Move on. You can do it.May 18, 2013 at 11:45 pm #74874
You need to move on. I could have read only one paragraph of your text and still, I would have told you “this shouldn’t happen in a healthy relationship. And people shouldn’t stay in unhealthy relationships”. But you wrote and wrote and wrote, and now I just have a hard time understanding why you’re still with this guy. He doesn’t respect you. He keeps you around while he chases his ex. He chats with girls like he’s single, and doesn’t act like he’s in a relationship. If he doesn’t act like a boyfriend should act, you should stop be his girlfriend. He doesn’t deserve you.May 18, 2013 at 11:53 pm #74875
L has been nailing these situations. melikins, listen to L and MielMay 19, 2013 at 12:04 am #74877
Please, listen to the other ladies who posted. This relationship isn’t great. You two have very, very different values when it comes to commitment, and that will kill ANY relationship … let alone one where he doesn’t even care what your values are, which is what you’re dealing with.
When he tells you the texts, etc. are just “jokes,” he’s lying. He’s playing the field while still with you, and that is beyond disrespectful … and you should not tolerate it.
It’s true, he shouldn’t have to cut off friendships because of you. But there is a way to do that which is respectful of your boundaries, and a way that isn’t. I am still very close friends with a few of my ex’s, two of which I speak with and see on a fairly regular basis. I was very upfront with this with my now-husband when we first started dating, straight up asked him if he would be okay with that, went out of my way to introduce them (even though one of them lives far away), and did regular “check in’s” to make sure he was still feeling comfortable with our relationships. I would never end those friendships for a boyfriend, but I damn well would make sure that he was okay with the boundaries we set.
I suppose you and I, OP, have fundamentally different values in that I could not care less if my husband goes to a bachelor party where strippers are at – then again, I trust my husband. Nothing inappropriate will happen if your significant other does not allow it to happen. And it’s very, very clear that your boyfriend is allowing – no, ENCOURAGING – all of the many, many inappropriate things to happen in your relationship. Perhaps you wouldn’t care so much about a bachelor party strip club if he wasn’t already violating your boundaries … I don’t know. But the fact of the matter is, whatever your boundaries are, he is crossing them left and right. And THAT is not okay.
Additionally, you “found out” a lot of things about his interactions … probably through snooping? Looking through his e-mail/messages? If so, I think that’s a big, bright red flag that you do not trust him. And you shouldn’t! Your boyfriend is an effing dog. He has absolutely no respect for your boundaries, from the sounds of it. He totally flouts everything you express as a boundary, he flirts behind your back … this is not a good man to be in a relationship with.
I promise you, there is no need to feel the way you are feeling. There are so, so many men out there who would not put you through this because they are by nature honest and faithful, and have the same values as you. Period. This is not a good relationship, hon. He is not worth your time and your worry. He just isn’t. Move on.
There is no reason to stay in a relationship where you have to deal with these problems.May 19, 2013 at 12:27 am #74878
Yeah, you guys just simply AREN’T remotely compatible with regards to this issue. MOA.May 19, 2013 at 8:41 am #74886
The thing is, you have given him multiple opportunities, over a long period of time, to “prove” his trustworthiness. He has never taken you up on those opportunities. I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but I think you have some self-esteem issues to work on. You continually let him walk all over you when you tell him his behavior is hurtful, and yet he continues to do so. You talk about what a great love you have, but this isn’t loving behavior at all.
And now, you are waiting for him to make a decision about the future of your relationship. Presumably, if he says he wants to “work on” things, you will continue this relationship. Another sign of unhealthiness and poor self-esteem — you are letting him make the decisions, you are worried about what he thinks, rather than what you think.
One of the most painful things in life is realizing that the person you love has a million great qualities, but that there are at least one or two other significant issues that will just not allow the relationship to work. This is why most people break up. This is why it’s so fucking painful. I’m going through the same thing right now. Write back if you need support. Based on your letter, it’s important for you to end this relationship and find someone who is willing and able to give you what you want and need.May 19, 2013 at 10:41 am #74890
To piggyback off of what TECH said, melikins, I think you may be relying on him for your happiness and I get the impression that you may be afraid to let him go. I say that because I was in the exact same position…I was ignoring glaring red flags that told me I should move on from him, but I stayed with him because I convinced myself I loved him so much.
Frame it this way, say you do stay with him and in 10-15 years you are married and have two kids. His behavior hasn’t changed. He still leaves for a couple weeks at a time and you still don’t trust him because he’s still hooking up with his ex. You are essentially raising your kids by yourself and one of the kids asks you why their dad isn’t ever around. How would you respond? From your letter it sounds like this behavior has been going on for a long time. As much as you try, you can’t change someone. They have to be willing to make a change.
Please keep us updated. If you need to talk things through, we’re here.May 19, 2013 at 10:48 am #74891
Look, there are people who DON’T do this. You don’t have to stay with this guy. Like everyone else has said, he doesn’t respect you, he’s manipulative, & there’s no trust at all between you two. Why wait for him to decide whether or not he wants to be with you? Just leave him. Whatever else is “good” in your relationship is not worth all this heartache, trust me.
This dude shouldn’t even be in any relationship, IMO. Not even an open one, since he clearly has issues with boundaries and telling the truth.May 19, 2013 at 11:23 am #74892
yea, WEES. this is not a “great” relationship- a relationship is only as great as the bad times are, and so yours is pretty shitty, im sorry to tell you. he is lying, going behind your back about people, trips, logistics, ect.. you are presumably snooping, assuming he is lying and trying to “catch” him, ect.. this is a really shitty, terrible relationship. you need to end it. and i agree with tech- why does he get to choose? are you seriously happy with this? you are ok going back and forth with the lying, deceit, snooping, mistrust, ect? you actually have an ok, healthy, workable relationship? if so, get yourself to therapy, because you do not know or understand healthy relationships, for whatever reason.
just end it. you know the concept of sunk costs? this is one of those times. you need to just pull the plug and move on.May 19, 2013 at 11:27 am #74893
In a compatible and healthy relationship, the two people involved will naturally reach a solution that makes both happy and comfortable. If that was going to happen with your boyfriend, it would have happened a long time ago.
I was once in a relationship where my feelings “weren’t as important”, and felt the same pain that you write about. Having that relationship end was the best thing that ever happened to me. It wasn’t easy because some parts of the relationship were good, and in some ways we were compatible, and we had been together a long time, and I was committed to making it work, etc.May 21, 2013 at 12:35 pm #75190
Good grief. Stop trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole and MOA.
In addition to not being on the same page with regards to relationship boundaries, he doesn’t respect you at ALL. WTF are you doing???May 21, 2013 at 12:50 pm #75195
Yes everyone here basically has said what I was going to say. MOA. It sucks because you have invested in this guy and this ‘life’ you and him have together. But here is the shocker.
Your great boyfriend doesn’t exist. He’s this guy who texts other girls when you ask him not to, sees ex’x when it bugs you a basically disregards you feelings, thoughts, ideas etc. because it would involves him changing and he doesn’t want to. The actual person you are dating does not line up with this great guy you used to be with. Maybe in the beginning he was great but changed into the jerk you have now. You have given this guy enough, time, chances and enough of your love and affection. Cut him loose, take some time to yourself, then find someone who treats you as well as you treat them.May 21, 2013 at 6:55 pm #75299
I’m so sorry you’re going through this…but it’s not going to work. He’s got some pretty loose ideas on fidelity and that divide will only widen the longer you’re together.May 22, 2013 at 12:59 am #75340
Oh for fuck’s sake! The two of you are NOT compatible. Stop wasting your time and MOA. Seriously.
He’s made it very clear, numerous times, that he has no respect for you or your boundaries. You’ve made it clear that you’re kind of going psycho about his infidelities and ex-girlfriends (I’m not saying you’re not justified there) and strippers. You’ve become an insecure harpy around him. Is this how you want to be seen? How you want to be painted? I didn’t think so.
Walk away, find yourself, get balanced, and be the strong, independent woman that doesn’t NEED a man. Then, let yourself fall for the RIGHT man. Then you won’t need to worry about the fidelity of your new guy.
You are better than this. Run, don’t walk, away from this bullshit artist.
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