July 19, 2012 at 9:17 pm #34100
I’m (somewhat recently) out of a long-term relationship and am pretty much ready to date. I broke up with my boyfriend, so my heart didn’t get crushed, but it’s still been hard to adjust over the last few months. But, I’m ready to kind of sort of put myself back out there! I’m in my mid-20′s now, which is decidedly much different than my early 20′s- the last time I was single. I reactivated my OKCupid account last week and have gotten lots and lots and lots of responses. I only respond if I feel we have a lot in common and there is an attraction. Maybe 10% of the messages I get fall into this category.
My problem is that these guys just want to message and message and message. Small talk. It starts great, then it seems to devolve into a friendship. Like, I just don’t need to exchange 5+ messages with a dude before I decide I want to meet him. Obviously, I don’t just sit around and hope the guy asks me out. For example, I got the nth message from a guy yesterday… I kept my response to 2 sentences, asked, “Do you want to grab a drink some time?” and then gave him my phone number with a smiley face. (The smiley face because I wonder if I should be more flirtatious?) He ended up texting me last night… and the small talk just continued. There was no mention of meeting up.
I want to meet in person and see if there is a connection! IT’S FRUSTRATING.July 19, 2012 at 9:53 pm #34101
I have the same problem. I don’t have any solutions cause I haven’t found any that worked for me yet. I’ll give the guy opportunities to meet up but if I don’t meet up within a month of suggesting it I just stop responding.July 19, 2012 at 11:39 pm #34104
I like your direct approach in asking them if they want to do something, but have you thought about 1) doing it sooner and 2) taking it a step further and actually saying “let’s me up here at this time?”
Meh, I know I personally prefer the guy to take charge, but sometimes they just need that initial push. If you meet them and they’re still not taking charge, then sure, on to the next one. Though, I know I see around here that online dating can be such a numbers game and going through message after message and date after date can be overwhelming and tiring. Maybe let yourself be more proactive and try more to initiate contact instead of simply responding to the messages you get. Unless you’re already doing that, then I got nuthin’.July 20, 2012 at 2:28 pm #34140
Either enjoying the attention or they are wusses….you laid it out for him…met him half way…and he ignored it. LAME. Dude will probably be just as vapid if you meet him in person.July 21, 2012 at 3:50 pm #34266
Man I’ve been having the exact opposite problem. It seems whenever I try getting a date or phone number after a few messages I never hear from them again, so with the next person I’ll go slower thinking I scared the first one off only to find the new person just randomly stops responding to any message after like the 5th or 6th one. wtf? So frustrating. Afraid I don’t have anything constructive to add. Online dating sucks.July 21, 2012 at 10:52 pm #34285
So the guy in question ended up calling me the other night and we talked for half an hour…. aaand he’s totally gay. I mean, I’m pretty certain he is Not Straight based on his voice and inflections. Yet… he mentioned calling me next week to meet up for a drink. I’m totally gonna meet him for a drink, because then I’ll definitely know, and also I have never encountered his problem before. Online dating FTW.July 23, 2012 at 3:34 pm #34364
My roommate’s sister does a LOT of online dating (A LOT), and I like her approach to the never-ending messaging. After the third email where he doesn’t ask her out (she’s traditional that way) she writes to him: “Well, it’s been nice getting to know you a bit on here but I’m not looking for a pen pal. Take Care, roommate’ssister.”
I’ve come across quite a few time-wasters. When they can’t take direction, eg – “here is my phone number, CALL me so we can arrange something in advance” and then I get a text message to see where I’m at at 8pm on a Thursday – so annoying. I write them off. Too many fish in the sea, and I have my own life to live. Hopefully they’ll come across someone they want to actually make an effort for but it’s clearly not me.July 23, 2012 at 4:21 pm #34365
Dear DW commenters
Online dating has become an absolute waste of time. Lets go back to trying harder to meet people in person or ask our friends to set us up. I stopped because of the same reasons Brad and Budj described. I tried all kinds of different methods. What ultimately pissed me off is I talked to a girl for a week, and we agreed on a date. An hour before the date she made up a story to ultimately cancel. It’s in bad form to get cancelled on and it’s not good for your self esteem.
People can tell me all day, everyday, that I shouldn’t let online dating bother me, but you know what, it did. I hated being repeatedly turned down, because I think I’m a pretty good catch and when you keep getting shut down; you start thinking less of yourself. It seems everyone has the same exact complaints of online dating. You are aggressive, you are more reserved, you fly in the middle; however, your outcome ends up being the exact same. Why keep trying if you keep getting the short end of the stick?July 23, 2012 at 9:02 pm #34405
Soulja — this voice thing happened to me, too! Maybe you are about to go out with the guy I went out with a few weeks ago.July 24, 2012 at 11:36 am #34517
Ha, well, I’m meeting the guy for a drink tonight, so we’ll see! I really do think he’s gay, which actually makes me even more nervous about what to wear! So ridiculous.July 24, 2012 at 12:06 pm #34518
Haha good luck! Update us when you’re home.July 25, 2012 at 1:21 pm #34769
these guys just want to be pen pals. and there are a lot of them. I once wasted almost two months on one before i found out about this phenomenon!
If they haven’t asked you out within 72 hours of communicating, you’re probably never going to meet them, and I would just shut it down and move on.July 25, 2012 at 2:44 pm #34787
If they haven’t asked you out within 72 hours of communicating, you’re probably never going to meet them, and I would just shut it down and move on.
I disagree with this assessment. I think the number of messages is more important than a number of hours. I can tell you as a guy that does online dating, in my experience asking for a date that early on results in never getting a reply back 95% of the time. You might be comfortable meeting in person after just 2-3 messages, but I don’t think the majority are (or at least that’s the impression I’ve gotten so far).July 25, 2012 at 4:37 pm #34814
It’s in my experience when I was online dating…everyone I ended up meeting, including my BF, it was mutually decided very early on that we would meet. After it went on more than 3-4 days of back and forth with no mention of meeting on their part, or after me mentioning it, no nailing down of a date on their part, we would never end up meeting.
Maybe that means my crazy shows after 3-4 days, lol.July 25, 2012 at 4:37 pm #34815
But yes, perhaps number of messages is maybe a more accurate assessment.
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