Perspective Help

[Will.i.amParticipant]

Been thinking the last couple months about some things and I need some third party perspective. This weekend and just married off my best guy friend and his fiance. Really low key wedding, yet a ton of fun! While they recited their vows I kinda teared up some. I’m not a crier at weddings or even in my day to day life, so it really got me thinking. I really liked the vows that they had for each other, but ultimately I think it came from my best friend has branced over from single life to married life.

Lately, I’ve just kind of felt a little stuck in my activities. I have no motivation to date, even though I do want too. I’ve been mountain biking and have lost 30 lbs, so I have a new wave of confidence and uplifted self-esteem. Also, I’m tired of going out and clubbing on the weekends as well. I’ve trimmed my social outings down to once a week where it’s a bar or club, but I’m kinda ready to trim it down to zero.

At 28, I’m ready to focus on a good relationship; however, I’m just not ready for the hustle and bustle of the non-dating workouts. That part of dating just really puts me in a sour mood. I’m ready to plan fun dates, but I need help with the motivation to accept that a date will not work.

My personal life is kinda busy these days with riding 4-5 days a week, so my time is tight, but my weekends are wide open. What are some things that I can do or look into to be ready for dating excitment? I’m happy but at the same time, I feel like I’m in a little bit of a rut!

[rachelParticipant]

Do you mountain bike with a club or something? If not, you should consider that! I think being around new people might do you some good…help you to remember how fun it is to get to know a new person in a low-expectation environment.

[katieParticipant]

i think the only way to get out of a rut is a change. so, a change in routine, maybe in clothes, move to a new apartment- i dunno. just a change.

[Will.i.amParticipant]

I mountain bike alone pretty often. I do have a buddy that rides with me once or twice a week. I think I’m just really used to doing too much alone. I’ve been single for a while now and I’m so used to making plans with other single people, and I think that has become my problem. I still like to go out, but I’m tired of it always being a bar. I rather a group go bowling or go eat somewhere.

Back to riding. There’s a group that rides a lot at 630 just about everyday. I just hate to ride that late, because then I eat dinner too late. I get off at 5 and I’m in the trail by 530 or 545. The longer I wait after work to ride, the less chance I have to go ride. I also don’t want to eat in between getting off work and riding, because it will hurt my stomach.

[genevatheneParticipant]

Maybe start a subgroup of the existing riding club that meets earlier? There could be others like you — I totally get what you mean about eating dinner too late.

Or how about trying a brand new activity that has a built in social component? I’ve moved around a lot for work, and one of the first things I try to do is find the local swing dancing scene. The community is really welcoming, especially to beginners, and you end up meeting a lot of people.

[BradParticipant]

Ugh! I know EXACTLY how you feel, because I feel the same way. I too don’t put in enough work into finding/meeting women to date as I should be but the process is just so draining (mentally, physically, and emotionally). I wish there was a way to skip the annoying dating phase and go straight into a relationship with a great person, but sadly there isn’t. I’m also sick of bars clubs (although I confess to never really liking them) and do not go to them often.

Afraid I can’t really give you any advice since I’m in the same boat as you. Don’t give up?

[Roxy_84Participant]

Yeah, I’m with you and Brad….wish I could give advice but I can’t. I find my enthusiasm for getting out there dating kind of goes in spurts, but I’ve been kind of not feeling it for a while. Also, I just don’t relish the idea of spending a ton of my time going on bad dates. I know it’s a bit of a volume game, the more dates you go on the more likely go are to meet someone, but I just find the whole process draining.

[Roxy_84Participant]

go are = you are

[Will.i.amParticipant]

Yep. That’s what happened with me. I got tired of the process and the disappointment. Kinda felt I was always in the wrong place at the wrong time. I’ve been much happier not online dating, but I am ready to change some things up a bit. I think online dating is a great avenue to meet new people, but it just isn’t for me. I date much like you do Brad. There’s never been that awkward dating phase in any of the relationships I had. We both knew we wanted to be together and skipped over all that dating jazz. That’s how I knew online wasn’t for me, because I could never adapt to how dating works these days. I’ve always been a terrible dater and I just don’t see myself changing.

I can see if I can get a sub group going earlier. So far I love it, even though some days I’ve went it’s been 107 degrees out. I’m just no longer frustrated or upset when I finish a good or bad ride. The release of endorphins really make me feel great!

[FireStarParticipant]

I like the idea of a riding group – since you are already interested in that. If you can’t start a group to meet earlier then consider changing your routine to join the other club – the world isn’t going to conform around you and since you are the one that wants to meet new people you might have to flex a little. How about having a bigger lunch so a light dinner later on isn’t so bad? And volunteer somewhere where there are other people. If you like animals – at the shelter. If you like politics – for the candidate of your choice. Any courses you want to take? interested in cooking classes? At least doing activities will let you meet people who will share your interests. You’ve said before that online dating doesn’t speak to you so if you want to skip the bar scene (and I don’t blame you) then you literally have to put yourself out of your house and meet as many people as you can. Do your friends know you are interested in meeting someone? How do you feel about set ups? I have a bunch of single girlfriends – it is WORK to try and meet the right person to date. I try and set them up whenever I can since I know how hard it is – I’ve set up about three friends with my husband’s friends. Good luck to you and Brad – but both of you have to get out of your houses and into group settings (and I know it’s work) – but summertime has more people out and about so don’t put it off.

[rachelParticipant]

I wasn’t even thinking of it from the perspective of FINDING women. Though, obviously, the more new people you meet the better those chances are. It just sounds to me Will like you need to just spend some time around people in an organic environment (read – not the bar scene). It’s no good being alone all the time. If you’re having fun with other people, you may find someone you’re attracted to, and you will be more attractive to women as well. Everybody likes a guy who is happy and confident.

[Will.i.amParticipant]

I got setup last night as a matter of fact. Chatted with the woman, but there just wasn’t much chemistry. I can’t lie, that chemistry thing is a bitch to get right! We have talked about a double date, but I’ve had a hard time setting up the friend. Me and female friend agrees to set each other up.

My friends know that I want to be setup. My best friend that just got married is going to set me up with a woman he works with. She was at the wedding too, but I was too busy with everything else to strike up a conversation with her. At first glance, I’m way out of her league, but I’d love to be in her league. Tall, thin, and blonde. Three things I’ve never been attracted too, but she was someone I was attracted too.

The days I eat a heavy lunch I actually ride faster then the days I eat light. I’m thinking about being a day or two a week and going at 6 or 630. It is a hell of a lot cooler outside too. I’m thinking of some other ways that I can put myself out there. Im pretty available with time actually, I’m just very picky of how I spend it. I really don’t like to waste it and I felt that’s what I was doing going to the bar or club on a Saturday night.

[LiliParticipant]

Hmm, I don’t wanna overlap my suggestions from the online dating thread, so i’ll stick to talking about the ‘awkward dating phase’ Brad and Will mention. Ok, so lets assume the hard part of meeting someone you’d like to date is done, and you have a cool sounding girl you want to take out. What is it about ‘dating’ thats so awkward? And why do you want to skip a head? Isn’t it kinda fun getting to know all about another person. Be open and honest as you are and if she’s not into it, then she’s not the right girl. Back to square one. And this is not a rejection or something to get defeated about, its just a fact.

[BudjParticipant]

I think they are saying that they know pretty quick if it’s going to work out or not so the “casual-awkward still dating other people/are we together or not” phase is very very short lived.

[BudjParticipant]

And I’m kind of in the same boat. I typically like to get to know someone on a friendly basis before asking them out…so if you go on a few dates and it is going great then the dating phase to being together phase is short-lived. The getting to know someone while dating them thing which is very common today is something we all have a tough time with.

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