relationship limbo- need advice

[Seeking StrengthParticipant]

Oh, and I did read that Friday links post, and I feel like it’s true! I feel like mild annoyances are healthy and normal. What worries me is that he feels like it might be some deeper thing. I can’t stop him from feeling that way, and I can’t be happy with him if that’s how he feels. So while I want to tell him that I think mild annoyances are normal, I can’t feel like I’m debating someone into loving me. I couldn’t be happy like that.

[BudjParticipant]

If he really is harboring a resentment it’s because he hasn’t been communicating his issues with you. Maybe if you can get him to open up more so you can both have conversation on how to communicate better / fix what he is internalizing you can get past this.

[Seeking StrengthParticipant]

Here’s hoping, Budj.

I just want to be one of those super strong people who holds it together in situations like these. I don’t want to fall apart. It’s so important to me, and it’s so hard to do when you have strong feelings for someone. How do those super strong people do it?

[katieParticipant]

in my opinion, it takes much more strength and confidence to be able to tell him that you overreacted and that you were in the wrong, then it does to stand your ground on a non-issue just in case he “loses some respect for you”… in real life, thats not the way it works.

trying to be the super strong, take no shit kind of person isnt going to get you the whole way in life. you still need to be able to back down and admit fault. that isnt a trait of weakness, its a trait of intelligence, compassion, and a way to work through problems as a couple.

[BudjParticipant]

and may actually be what he needs to hear.

[CatsMeowParticipant]

Sounds a bit like what happened in my relationship. We had a similar fight, that ended in him needing “space to think.” I was certain that he was going to break up with me.

He didn’t……..for another couple of months. We stayed together, but that fight never really resolved, and it was always in the back of our minds. Eventually he broke up with me.

……and then immediately wanted me back. Haha, I wish I could tell you how this ends, because now we are back together but it’s verrrrry complicated.

So I guess I don’t have any advice for you, but I can commiserate and say I know how you feel. Keep us updated – we’re here for support if you need it.

[Seeking StrengthParticipant]

Thanks Cats. I know, I thought of you and was actually reading your break up thread last night for some vicarious comfort.

The really hard thing, for me, is that I don’t just want to hang back powerless waiting for him to decide to dump me, without me at least telling him what I have to say. I want to tell him that I overreacted, but I think it was because we both need to work on communicating our minor annoyances before they escalate to resentment.

I’m not a fan of emailing important feelings. I want to talk to him. But I want to show him that I can be patient and give him space when he asks for it and needs it.

[FabelleParticipant]

Although you may have overreacted over an eyeroll, I personally don’t think you should apologize or mention that at all yet (whenever you speak to him) because that will make everything about that ONE issue. It sounds like there are other issues here that need to be explored, & they most likely won’t if the discussion becomes all about that specific incident.

[CatsMeowParticipant]

My take on it is that he’s really pondering whether or not you two are “right” for each other long-term. That’s probably why something so minor turned into something so huge – it’s been on his mind. In some ways, it’s a good thing, because he’s really evaluating whether or not he wants to spend his life with you. It could be bad, though, if you don’t like the conclusion he reaches. Regardless, it’s better to know now whether or not he can really see a future with you than to have him string you along indefinitely.

Right now I’m sure you are just dying to hear that he wants to stay with you. But use this time apart to do your own soul-searching. Because in my personal experience, getting back together after something like this is HARD. I’m full of my own doubts now that I have to contend with, and constantly questioning whether or not I’m being paranoid or having legitimate concerns. Now I over-analyze EVERY little thing he does/doesn’t do or says/doesn’t say. Make sure, if he decides to stay with you, that you continue the conversation and work to resolve whatever underlying issues there are.

Also, how long have you been waiting?

[Seeking StrengthParticipant]

I left his house on Saturday afternoon, so it’s been almost two days now. My plan was to wait until tomorrow night, then check in and see if he’s ready to talk.

[littlebitParticipant]

Hey Seeking Strength! I can’t do much w/ advice b/c I’m still very new to the relationship world but I just wanted to say that I’m thinking of you. I can only imagine how stressful this situation is for you, and how many questions and replaying scenes are going through your mind. I hope things get resolved soon b/c that feeling of the unknown is torture, and I know how one’s mind can do even more torture when trying to understand what happened.
You have my support throughout this..you are strong and I know that you’ll overcome this bump in the road! At the end of the day, YOUR happiness is the first priority

[Seeking StrengthParticipant]

Thank you littlebit and everyone else. It’s not really like me to reach out to others this much, but I’ve not experienced a situation this painful in a long time, and it’s so hard when you feel stuck and not sure what to do or what’s happening. Even though you guys don’t know me or my relationship exactly, I find the objective perspectives very helpful.

Any thoughts specifically on how long I should wait to contact him? As I said, this fight/dramatic discussion happened Saturday afternoon (he wanted me to leave so we could think about things.) I want to give him space and have patience, but the limbo is torture. My plan was to wait until tomorrow night, so that will have been about three and a half days of “thinking”? But I’m not sure.

[ElleParticipant]

SS, I would like to comment on one thing. You said he said he doesn’t think he’s good enough for you, that you deserve more (along those lines). If he brings it up again, just tell him that that’s for you to decide. He doesn’t get to make that decision for you. You get to make that decision for yourself. If he’s insecure, that’s his problem. But to say that he knows what’s good for you? That’s pushing it. (You can probably imagine that I’ve heard this line…. twice.)

And if I were in your place, I would probably be nervous and anxious, as you are know. You did give him all the power. The way to take the power back is to follow your dad’s advice: figure out what YOU want out of this relationship. If/when he calls, you should have a flowchart ready – if he wants to continue, what you need from him, and if he doesn’t want to continue, think of the ways this relationship made you a better person/partner.

[FabelleParticipant]

@Seeking Strength You seem anxious on WHEN would be the appropriate time to contact him– I think your “tomorrow night” deadline works just fine. If anything– I think he’d expect some kind of contact today (just because it’s the first day after the weekend…people are simple like that, sometimes) so tomorrow is definitely “long enough” (if that’s what you’re worried about!)

[painted_ladyParticipant]

Ugh. Stupid feelingsbomb. I hate those “I have a huge general issue with all these unnamed thing you do that I’ve never told you about but it’s been on my mind a lot *runaway* AAAAAAGHHHH!” conversations because it places all of the blame on you in a way that you carry all of the guilt and none of the tools to handle it. Being less annoying is not a thing you can do, as in, “Tomorrow I’m going to dinner with my boyfriend, and then I’m gonna be less annoying.” So he’s couched this “problem” of yours in a way that’s going to make you feel crazy self-conscious for the foreseeable future. If he’d actually said the words in the moment, “Hey, Seeking Strength, when you get on me to answer my phone I feel like a child/like you’re not respecting my desire to be left alone when I’m playing video games/like I’m so stupid I don’t know what a ringing phone means,” then you’d have had the chance to say, “Oh wow, not what I meant. All I was doing was expressing annoyance that the damn phone was ringing for the eleventy billionth time today/reminding you that you wanted to talk to your frend Steve/indicating that I wanted my desire for silence while I’m working respected.” And then we have the stage set for a compromise, where he silences his phone, or leaves it in the other room, or expects you to say when you would like it quiet. Boom, crisis averted. But then that makes him responsible for his feelings, and given the way he dumped that particular feeling on you and then also gets you to offer to go away while he decides on his own what to do about you, I don’t think he’s got a real good grip on the responsibility thing. Sorry, I know I sound judgmental, but I’ve had this crap pulled on me so many times, I just feel like it’s massively unfair.

You seem like you’ve got a good perspective on the situation as a whole – I agree that apologizing for the one thing isn’t going to do much as there’s obviously some larger issue at hand. As far as when to contact him, I think your time frame is fine, though I wouldn’t do the no-pressure, deferential, “Hey, have you made up your mind yet?” I would make him take a little ownership of what he’s doing, that you’re in a really painful in-between stage and that you absolutely should know where the hell you stand. It’s not okay that you have to wait around, and yes, your dad’s right – make your own decision here, too. I hear what Cats is saying – it’s going to be really difficult to get back together with someone who, with very little warning, decided to question whether you belong together.

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