July 13, 2012 at 9:28 am #33613
Okay, so it’s pretty much given that snooping on your partner in a relationship is always a Bad Thing, and it never really solves any problems. It’s also pretty much a given that Samantha Brick is the biggest troll on the internet, so it’s not really surprising that she wrote an article about how she checks up on her husband daily: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2171225/I-snoop-mans-emails-I-dont-trust-women-says-Samantha-Brick.html?ITO=1490 If nothing else, it brings up a discussion point. So, let’s discuss!
Here’s the thing. I believe that snooping is bad, and that if you want to snoop, it speaks to the fact that you don’t trust your partner and don’t have a good relationship. But is it ever okay to snoop? What if you can confirm something your partner has lied (and keeps lying) about? Is it justified, because you were simply searching for the truth, or is it still wrong? (I’m not asking because I’m trying to justify snooping on my husband, FYI. I do have friends who have this mindset, though). My husband’s ex fiancee looked through his phone and internet history regularly. If she found out he looked at porn, she’d make him sleep on the couch. At one point, he had two different cell phones just because he couldn’t talk to any women, including his coworkers, without her grilling him about it. The relationship ended because she looked through his text messages and discovered he had cheated on her, which, to her, justified the snooping.
I will admit to snooping in a past relationship, not because I didn’t trust my boyfriend, but because he left his email open and I was bored. Looking through his email was also boring, so I stopped.
What about couples who have open door policies on their phones, email accounts, Facebooks, etc. Is that a healthy way to show trust, or is it policing?July 13, 2012 at 9:36 am #33614
You should probably tell your friend that her snooping and crazy jealous, controlling behavior is what led to the cheating…not that snooping is justified. She should learn that. I would hazard a guess that regardless of the cheating he was just looking for a way out of that situation.July 13, 2012 at 9:37 am #33615
and to your last question it IS policing…but I guess if both partners are open and ok about it that’s cool.July 13, 2012 at 9:39 am #33617
yeah i’d love to see the my husband’s reaction if i told him i’d like to read his texts, listen to his voicemails and read his emails every day, haha. so not ok. and no snooping is never justified. i guess people could argue that if you think the person is in danger of hurting themselves or others it is, but obviously that is not what this article or your friend had in mind….July 13, 2012 at 10:11 am #33621
Reading someone’s emails/texts behind their back without their permission is never ok. Even when you are in a relationship, you still both have the right to a little privacy.
I think an “open door policy” is different. If you have an understanding that neither of you cares if the other looks at your email, phone, Facebook then check away if you care that much. When my ex was still here living with me, that’s the way we were. We left our email accounts signed in and didn’t care who reads what, left our phones lying around unlocked, and my Facebook is always logged in. He’s not on Facebook and claims he never will be but he went on mine sometimes to see what our mutual friends were up to.July 13, 2012 at 10:14 am #33622
My boyfriend and I have an open door policy on our phones/email/facebook but that’s more of a convenience thing than a trust issue. Well, it is true that I don’t like when people lock their phones. I had a boyfriend who did this because he was being shady, but the only reason I ever needed his phone was to use the internet/order takeout. But we just have nothing to hide. Plus I opened up the internet on my bf’s phone, while he was sitting next to me, and I found porn and just started laughing. I don’t care if he looks at porn so whatever.July 13, 2012 at 10:14 am #33623
Okay it’s a weird analogy but stay with me here. I feel the same way about snooping as I do about ultimatums. If you’re willing to break up depending on what you find out/what the answer is why does it matter? I mean if you snoop (one time thing – daily is ridiculous – why be in a relationship if you have enough anxiety to spend that much time looking for him to fuck up) because you think he is having an inappropriate relationship – and snoop knowing that if you find anything it is your last straw and you’re done. What’s the harm? If you personally need actual proof to end a relationship (I know I would – I could never end a marriage on a hunch) then why not snoop? I’m not talking about if it becomes a daily thing – that’s a whole other can of worms. I’m talking about the snooping where you’re concerned about a specific situation – and you would break up with them if it’s true – what’s the harm? However if you snoop and know that even if you find anything you’re going to try to work on the relationship – then don’t snoop! Because obviously the answer doesn’t matter either way. Just go to couples counseling.
So back to the analogy – I don’t think ultimatums are a bad thing if you’re serious. Like if you don’t quit cheating on me I’m going to break up with you. That’s not manipulative – that’s honest. They deserve to know that’s the point you’re at. I’ve never snooped and I don’t think Ethan has either. I mean he occasionally uses my phone to call people and stuff so he certainly has access to my phone and facebook and stuff but to my knowledge he’s never snooped.July 13, 2012 at 10:22 am #33624
Yeah I think snooping is not the best thing in the world, and I also think if someone was trying to hide something that would be weird too. I usually leave my facebook, and email open on the lap top at home, and leave my phone hanging around, because I know I have nothing to hide on there, and my fiance has also given me her phone if I wanted to look something up, and leaves it around the house. But if I asked to user her phone to check something on google or something like that, and she logged out of her facebook, gmail, and any other account before she handed it to me, I would think that is a little weird, like she didn’t trust me or she was hiding something.July 13, 2012 at 10:30 am #33625
I’d have to agree with Iwanna.
Anyone actually click on that link? I’m thinkin Sam doesn’t have too much to worry about, but also that the husband will likely not be getting many messages after this. The whole excuse that she trusts him, but not other women is SUCH bs. If you really trust your spouse, you’d trust that even a woman was throwing herself at him, he’d remain faithful.July 13, 2012 at 10:40 am #33626
Wow, still haven’t finished the article. This girl is crazy and I feel sorry for her. Can you imagine every morning having to read through someone’s messages, likely getting angry and then the poor husband having to explain every email she prints out from another woman. She clerly has no life of her own. Very sad and warped.July 13, 2012 at 10:41 am #33627
…and I’m bet a million on if he was cheating, he’d obviously know to delete all evidence since his crazy ass wife looks daily. Only a total fool or someone who wanted to be caught wouldn’t delete suspicious messages.July 13, 2012 at 10:43 am #33628
Budj– you’re totally right about the “looking for a way to end the relationship” thing.
lbh– he’s… well, maybe he has a great personality. He certainly looks happy. But, yeah.
I agree with Iwanna, too. I can see the benefit in snooping if there’s a pattern of behavior that doesn’t add up, and frank talks about it don’t lead you anywhere, and it’s causing major conflict and/or anxiety. But there should be some sort of logic behind it, not just a random hunch.
My husband and I don’t have an open door policy, but we do have access to one another’s accounts to some extent. I know his phone password, he uses my computer, which has email open all the time… it’s not a big deal for us, but I think part of the reason it’s not a big deal is 1) we can change the privacy settings whenever we want and 2) the other person wouldn’t notice, because we’re not looking through each other’s stuff anyway.July 13, 2012 at 10:45 am #33629
ok, this is probably weird, but i think its weird to hide stuff from your SO. like, email stuff. my boyfriend will not tell me his email password, and he always sets everything on his computer to log out if he closes the box.. its weird. i think its weird. i like to have the “open door” policy. i keep all my stuff logged in all the time and nothing has passwords on it (ill forget them, to be completely honest) because i just dont really care. if i was trying to hide something going on, i know i could, but i dont, and so i dont care. i dont care if he sees my facebook updates and if he reads my coupon emails.. i mean, i really dont even have an exciting online life (except DW of course!), so it would honestly be boring for him to snoop.July 13, 2012 at 10:48 am #33630
Although I have to admit – I do quickly close out DW when I pass over my laptop. But not facebook. This relationship I have with all of you is dirty and secret and I want to keep it that way.July 13, 2012 at 11:10 am #33633
@katie. I keep a lock on my phone. If Peter needs to use it, I’ll tell him the password, but I’ll change it sometimes. I’m am hiding nothing. I don’t panic when he has my phone in his hand. And honestly, I’d be a little weirded out if he locked his phone (he doesn’t). Yea, I’m a big fat hypocrite. I just use my phone for so many reasons, I keep lists of everything…groceries, gift ideas, random thoughts, work stuff, private things. If my phone were just my facebook, emails and texts, I wouldn’t keep it locked. I also know I’d never in a million years cheat. I’ve always said if I was tempted, I’d break up before it happened. I never want to be betrayed, so I’m big on treat him the way I want to be treated with that kinda stuff. I’m also deathly afraid of losing it and someone having access to everything in my life. He knows pretty much everything about my life, and if he really wanted to look, I suppose I wouldn’t mind. Its almost like a diary to me though.
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