To Have Kids or Not To Have Kids

[katieParticipant]

so to continue this massive debate that I am still having in my head, here is an interesting article about the decision to have kids

http://offbeatmama.com/2012/06/analyzing-the-costs-and-benefits-of-having-a-kid

its called analyzing the costs and benefits of having a child. its a very logical look at it, and i thought it was an interesting take… a view that I had not thought of

[JKParticipant]

I hope the author decided against it (at least for now, reading about her life!)

In my case, I always knew I wanted to have kids, once we had our home, and were stable financially we decided it was time to start looking (I was 28). My husband was always on the fence about kids, and once I got pregnant he actually told me that he had the feeling he couldn´t have kids, and that´s why he´d said yes at the time (he has some nerve damage in his lower back). But I know that he´s so happy we had them now.

[SweetPeaGParticipant]

Thanks for posting!

I am definitely scared of having kids, but I want them, nonetheless. I think the thing that scares me the most is all the postpartum stuff. I am very sensitive and emotional. I worry constantly. I have been deeply depressed in my life (although it was very circumstantial… more that I needed to make life changes then something biological). I also am prone to awful PMS. So, I worry that my hormones are just going to be so out of wack after having a child that I’ll be a mess. Scary stuff!

I am willing to take the risk, though. I know in the long run, it’ll be worth it. Most things in life worth having take a lot of work to obtain! I also am very confident in the man I have chosen to have a child or children with. I know with all my heart that he’ll help me through anything. And, knowing how much he wants kids? Yea… I do kind of love the fact that I’ll be making him happy. I love that the writer lists “Happy husband” as one of the benefits. I guess it seems a little like a 50s housewife thing to say. But, it’s a beautiful thing. To make a human being together!!! Holy crap, that’s just really cool.

What are all of your BIGGEST fears as far as to have or not to have kids goes?

[katieParticipant]

I’ll be totally honest- I feel like if I have a kid my life will be over. And not in a cute my life has changed for the better way but in the oh my god how will I take 6 months-5 years off of work, how would we only get by with one income for any amount of time, how will I ever be able to do anything fun anymore, how will I ever keep my house clean, how will I did the time to shower, …. Things like that. I feel like I’m too selfish in a way

[SweetPeaGParticipant]

@Katie, in a way… I think you realizing things and taking them seriously makes you a lot less selfish than you think you are. So many people have kids and then resent everything about them. You are smart enough to take the decision seriously.

I am going into the whole process knowing I have a plan… but that this plan could definitely get turned upside down. I don’t want to live off of one income if we can help it. So, thankfully, I have parents who are retired and volunteered to do a lot of babysitting while we work. But, I also know that anything could change and this might not happen. Maybe I will hate being away from my baby? Maybe my parents (GOD FORBID) will have health problems and won’t be able to. Or decide they’d rather travel cross country (doubtful, they are homebodies all the way). If we HAD to, we could survive off of my fiance’s salary. It might suck, but we can do it.

I worry about all those little things too… although, things like showering probably won’t be “little” when I have a screaming infant and smell like spit up. But, my Mom did it. She says having my sister and I as babies and little kids were the happiest years of her life. She has said it so many times over, it is ingrained in my brain. She loved everything about being in her 30s. My sister has SIX children (she doesn’t work outside the home, so she is with them ALWAYS). She loves it so much, that I worry that she’ll up and have more. There are people that LOVE it. And, I think I’ll be one of them (although not SIX… hell to the no). Sure, I think there are days that I am going to want to get in my car and run away. But, all in all… I think I’ll be really into motherhood.

But, don’t feel guilty if you think you won’t love it! You have the right! Sometimes, I think you need to stick with your overwhelming feeling… which in your case, seems to be that you don’t want kids. Of course, I don’t know you. And you could just be voicing fears and deep down want kids. So, take no offense from my observations And maybe you’ll wake up tomorrow and be in love with the idea of children.

[JKParticipant]

I agree with Sweet Pea, katie, it´s great that you can voice your feelings and fears about kids. You´re still really young, so you have time to make your decision one way or the other.

[katieParticipant]

Jk, I know that I do have the luxury of being young and being able to wait, but I just have this horrible despair feeling that I’ll never get to that place where the other factors won’t freak me out- like money, leaving my job, ect.

[SweetPeaGParticipant]

JK (or any other Moms who happen to read this)… what was your biggest surprise when you had kids? The thing(s) you didn’t expect- good or bad?

[daisyParticipant]

I’ve always been in the “no kids” camp, and although I generally say it’s because I have a chronic disease and worry about being depended on for 24/7 care, I think the real reason is that kids just kind of make me uncomfortable! But that’s not even my issue.

What’s beginning to get to me is that I don’t really know what people without kids are supposed to do with their lives! And I’m not trying to get back to the issue of having kids because you’re “supposed to.” Right now I’m perfectly happy living with my wonderful boyfriend, going to work, volunteering, seeing friends, traveling when I can afford it, etc. But I just turned 30 this month — is this really all I’m going to do for the rest of my life?! Sure, I engage in some worthwhile activities, and I’m looking to get even more involved with various causes that are important to me, but it’s hard to imagine another 30+ years of going to work, coming home to my boyfriend (hopefully husband before 30 years are up!), and not much more. The truth is I really don’t know a lot of adults who don’t have kids. What do you do to fill up the years??

[JKParticipant]

I know it´s cliché, but it´s true that it´s never going to be the perfect time to have kids.
A lot depends on your priorities as a couple. LIke when we had our 1st daughter we were OK financially (at least OK enough for me to quit my horrible job when I had her), but not as OK as we are now. Before having the kids we never had fancy trips, but we preferred having kids ot travelling, although now it´s a lot harder to do.
I know lots of other people that prefer to get those things “out of the way” before having kids, it all depends on what your feelngs are.
Do you plan on being a SAHM? I ask since you say about leaving your job.
And money wise, I said somewhere the other day, that we don´t really find ourselves spending that much more than before we had kids. Of course we don´t buy all the supposed “must haves” that come out every few months for kids, but they aren´t lacking in toys, food or clothes. And the eldest goes to private school. Of course it´s best to be secure financially at least.

[AnnaParticipant]

I think about things like this a lot, because I do really want kids. But I kinda feel selfish in the same way that you do, Katie. Like will I resent my child for waking me up crying every time I get a second to nap? How will it affect me when I have to skip going out with friends for 18 years straight to stay home with babies? What happens when I can’t even afford a cheap little bottle of wine for myself because I have to buy diapers, wipes, and pay a bunch of doctor bills? I’ve even thought of the fact that I would probably have to get a lame automatic car at least for the last trimester of pregnancy because I have very short legs and have to adjust the seat way forward to push in the clutch – won’t be able to do that with a huge preggo belly. I love my stick shift.

But on the other hand, I want nothing more than to hold my baby and look into his/her eyes and know that I’m that child’s entire world and they’ll learn almost everything they need to know from me. It seems like it would be worth the sacrifice for that kind of unconditional love.

Of course, all of this is pretty irrelevant since I may never end up finding a husband in time to have kids…or ever.

[katieParticipant]

Well I’m a huge control freak, so I really don’t think I could give my kid to someone else (someone I didn’t know ie daycare) for 10 ish hours a day so I would want to stay home until they are in school… I just can’t get behind daycare

[SweetPeaGParticipant]

Daisy, I hear you. I just don’t (personally!) know what I’d do forever if I never had kids. I like my job, but I am not one of those super career oriented people. I work to live! And while right now, it is awesome hanging out with my friends every weekend, drinking wine and watching “Breaking Bad” marathons with my fiance, etc… I know there is an end date to all that. I am also 30. Most of my friends are married or on their way to marriage. A lot of them have kids or are pregnant. Friends are not going to be around to go camping or meet for drinks. I can’t expect them to. And after a while… it might seem unfulfilling anyway. At least to me. There are phases to life. And I need to roll with it. And appreciate them as they come.

I recently heard a quote (from Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas… of all people! LOL). It went something like this “You can have it all, just not all at once”. I really liked it. While I am having fun with friends at this point in life. It won’t last forever. And maybe it shouldn’t. There will be a different kind of fun… and so much LOVE when I have children. It’ll be another phase to experience.

Which isn’t to say everyone needs to do it that way. It’s just what (I think!) works for me.

[daisyParticipant]

SweetPeaG, glad to know I’m not alone! Of course, having kids isn’t something to do just to take up time, but I guess for most people it really is the best way to make adult life worthwhile.

Neither my boyfriend nor I has ever wanted kids, though fortunately we both have lots of super cute nieces and nephews to spoil (although mine live way too far away from me!). I just really wonder what we’ll feel like when we’re 50, and all our friends have grandchildren and we have a dog. I think step one is that I need to find a job that’s either more fulfilling or that pays well enough for us to travel more!

[JKParticipant]

Ugh, I´d typed out a long reply and it somehow disappeared.

@katie: I hear you on the childcare, I started working again when my eldest was months old, but only 2 days a week for 4 hours, one day my mum babysat, the other day she stayed with my husband, I wouldn´t have wanted to leave them with a stranger, either.

@SweetPea I guess the thing that surprised me the most was how brave I was during childbirth (totally natural, and both girls were BIG). And also how completely different 2 girls can be.

ABout the lifestyle changes; I guess a lot depends on your lifestyle before kids. We´ve always been quite homebodies, so nothing has changed much, aside from having to pause movies several times to rescue the 1 year old from whatever mess she´s gotten herself into. Which brings me to my next point, if your kid is more adventurous it will be more demanding. My eldest was always very well behaved, the youngest does. not. stop. ever. And climbs onto the furniture, grabs knives/scissors, empties cupboards/drawers, etc. But, it´s a good workout, I guess.

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