Update from RR About the Ex-Boyfriends and Big Wedding

[ReginaReyParticipant]

So this weekend was the BIG WEDDING (aka the wedding that I was maid of honor in, where two ex-boyfriends would be present). It was a beautiful, really fun weekend. Everything went really, really well. Almost TOO well, and that’s where my problem lies.

The most recent ex and I (we broke up about 10 months ago, and he was a groomsman in the wedding) got along well. We saw each other for the first time since the day we broke up at the rehearsal, and ended up chatting and joking around a bit at the rehearsal dinner. It was non-awkward and fun and turned out better than I’d imagined. The next day during the reception, when the dance floor opened and it turned to slow dancing, he asked me to dance. I didn’t really think I could say no, even though I wasn’t sure how good of an idea it was to dance so intimately with him, so I did. We caught up a lot during that 3-song-long slow dance period, which was nice, but it also felt…too familiar.

After the brides and groom had their send off, the bridal party went out to a local bar. After having seen and talked with him so much, and after having gotten pretty drunk, I ended up drunk crying in a booth with three of my fellow bridesmaids/girlfriends about him. I think both of us had tried so hard to be normal and non-awkward that it felt TOO normal…like no time had passed at all between now and our breakup. Even after 10 months, it’s hard for me to look at him and think anything other than “Oh, that’s my boyfriend.” I cried for a long time, because it was very much a re-opening of the wound. It dredged up so many feelings and nostalgia and confusion, and it was a lot to deal with.

After interacting and talking so much the past three days, he says he’d like to be friends if that’s possible. The thing is, I don’t feel like his friend. I don’t see him as a friend, and I don’t think I have it in me to see him that way for a long time. And I’m fairly certain he doesn’t see me as just a friend, either. I think the feelings and the nostalgia and everything else hit him just as hard as it hit me.

We’ve always been pretty brutally honest with each other, so I told him that I wasn’t sure how possible it would be for us to be friends. I told him that while I didn’t exactly want to go back to never speaking to him or seeing him, I also wasn’t sure that I was capable of hanging out as “friends.” We were never friends before we dated, and it would seem that neither of us really know how to be anything other than girlfriend/boyfriend when with the other.

So I’m…torn. Seeing him reminded me of how much I’d missed him, and how much I don’t want him to go away again. But the reason I don’t want him to go away isn’t strictly platonic. I didn’t expect to still have feelings for him, but I do. And at this point, I have no idea what to do about it. It’s only been 10 months since our breakup. I’m not totally against people getting back together after a break up. But I don’t think it’s been enough time. I’m not sure that we’ve both changed enough as people (though both of us have done and been through quite a lot in the past almost-year) for anything to be different in a romantic relationship again. I’m usually a very firm believer in the notion that if you’re going to get back together someone, it better be a NEW relationship, not a continuation of the old one. If that makes sense.

He wants to get lunch today to talk about being friends. I think he’ll be all for it, but I’m not sure he’s all for it for the right reasons. I don’t think I could hang out with him consistently without feeling like he was “mine”…which would make it hard for me to be available to other people, or for me to see him dating other people without feeling hurt or jealous.

So what the hell do I do? I didn’t expect to feel the way I do. I thought I’d never consider dating him again, and right now it’s all I can think about. I miss how well he gets me. I miss talking about all of the things we have in common. I miss how easy it is to just be around him. I don’t want to go back to never speaking. But I’m afraid of what “being friends” could inevitably lead to. I feel like no matter what path I take, I could very easily get hurt. Is this all just nostalgia talking? Do I need to get some space from him after this weekend and see how I feel?

I’m sorry for the rambling! I need some thoughts from my DW friends!

[Addie PrayParticipant]

Oh sweet pea! I’ve been wondering how the wedding went. I’m going to get coffee, think for a minute or two (but not more), and then email you. In the mean time, just to clarify: are you saying that I should or should not buy the townhouse in Lincoln Park that is outside of my price range but that has an amazing rooftop and not one but TWO garage parking spots? (Kidding, we can talk about *that* later.)

[JKParticipant]

RR, I get that it can be tough seeing an ex like that, and I can imagine that old feelings must pop up again, esp. since (as far as I remember) you didn´t break up with him because it was a bad relationship – more like you couldn´t see yourself with him in the long run, no?
But try to remember that you did break up with him for a valid reason. Are you dating again? Maybe it would be a good idea to get out and meet other people.
And yes, I think you need some space from him now.
Sorry this wasn´t more help,I just woke up. If I can think of something more coherent later I´ll post again.

[Addie PrayParticipant]

I agree with JK. It’s not surprising that you and your ex were so comfortable and clicky – that was never the problem in your relationship. I sent you a long email with my rambling thoughts. My MO was to just let my finger tips type away and hit send without editing or thinking very long so you could have my gut reaction. But here’s a modified version of that:

Think about all the reasons why you broke up with your ex and then ask yourself if, in the time that you’ve been apart:

1) Have the problems been fixed? If yes, then why not give the relationship a shot?

2) If no, are the problems still… problems for you? If yes, you’re setting yourself up for disaster because you’re going to get annoyed by him again and then break up and have to re-do the last 10 months of healing. But if your priorities have changed such that the reasons you broke up with your ex don’t matter to you anymore, eh, get back together! Pourquoi pas?

3) If #1′s a no, and #2′s a no, I really don’t think you should be friends with your ex. Because you’re too close and comfortable with him. And I can see you opting for a comfortable Friday night in with your friendly ex, on the couch in front of the TV, with pizza,… when you should be taking your ass out and potentially meeting someone new!

[Addie PrayParticipant]

You guys, I really need to do laundry and clean. It’s a fucking mess in my apartment. But I really don’t want to. So, quick, someone ask another question that just *needs* my immediate advice.

[Addie PrayParticipant]

Fine, I’m going to clean. Thanks for nothing, people. … Oh, but I think my yes/no flow chart is messed up. #3 should be if #1 is a no and #2 is a yes…. I should’ve thought more about that. Whatever, I’m going to clean. I’m really on edge right now: I have a messy apartment, no clean clothes, I need a manicure and a pedicure, I need a hair cut bad, I lost my el card, I’m crampy, I’m annoyed once again with an old boyfriend of sorts who keeps popping up in my life and getting me all hot and bothered and then disappearing on me (I haven’t ever talked about him on here – I’m going to try to keep it that way because when I say what I’m thinking out loud, I know exactly what I’d say to any LW but I don’t want to her it), … plus, I haven’t done yoga since Toronto and Iv’e been eating everything in sight and I feel fat and gross and …. There, I’m going to do laundry now.

[Addie PrayParticipant]

Update: I put a load of clothes in the wash. I’m back now. Still nothing here for me to read and re-read and comment on? God, it’s like you all have lives on this Sunday morning. Rub it in why don’t you.

[MackenzieLeeParticipant]

I think Addie’s flow chart is exactly right! I also think that you might be enjoying the feeling of being so close to someone again. I think this might be one of those ex-boyfriends that you can’t stay friends with. From reading your letter I think you’ve already come to that conclusion yourself you just want us to all agree and talk you out of considering being his friend. So I’m going to agree RR. The best way for you to move on with your life and be the happiest you can be is to keep him at arms length.

[ReginaReyParticipant]

Here’s an update for you, AP: I’m getting lunch with him in 2 hours. Your flow chart is very succinct and helpful, and I’m going to play it in the back of my head while we talk. I think no matter what, after this lunch I don’t want to talk to him for like a week. I need some space to clear my head and see where I naturally drift toward without any undue influence from him. I don’t know if the problems are still there, but I think I’ll get a good sense of it pretty quickly. And even if the problems aren’t there, it still won’t mean I truly want to be with him again. I want to figure out if what I’m feeling is nostalgia and a yearning for comfort…or if it’s actually something legitimate. A bit of time will tell, I hope.

[katieParticipant]

ha, ok, RR, i saw your facebook status after the wedding about seeing your best friends get married was the highlight of your year or whatever, my first thought was, oh she is going to have some stories about how that went! haha.. i am very glad though that the stories are about a boy and not about how your maid of honor duties messed up your friendship!

i said this on another thread, but i think it is very hard to become “just friends” with ex’s because your friendship and your romantic relationship are so intangled and intertwined in all relationships. its never just a friendship, and its never just romantic if its a whole relationship. so, i would just be honest with yourself if you really can be “just friends”. if you cant, you cant and thats ok! and if you are, then develop that.

if you are thinking about getting back together with him, thats a whole other ballgame… but i think your general idea of having time away from each other is a good plan. after all, weddings are super romantic affairs, amiright, and its only natural for you to want to fall into the arms of a familiar man there… lol

[iwannatalktosampsonParticipant]

I say meet him for lunch – have a quickie back at your apartment, and reassess after that. Sorry if that’s not the advice you were looking for. Giving RR advice is like telling Warren Buffett how to make money. You got this.

[Addie PrayParticipant]

Lol, I second IWTTS!!! Brilliant.

[ReginaReyParticipant]

IWTTS — That was the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me on DW. And you know how prone AP is to inflate my ego. So thank you for cheering me up. Though I will say, giving myself advice is NOTHING like giving other people advice. My feelings rarely cloud my judgment about other people. It nearly always clouds my judgment about myself.

And God, I haven’t had sex in a lonnnnng time so please, don’t convince me of anything that would be a bad, bad idea. Though trust me, I’ve already thought about it.

[Addie PrayParticipant]

Whaaaa? IWTTS pipes in for a to second and that was the “nicest thing anyone has ever said”? I just got “Regina Rey” tattooed on my lower back right above my ass so it will show when I bend over. Doesn’t that move you the most?! I’m hurt and insulted.

[iwannatalktosampsonParticipant]

Oh well good then, we’re on the same page. I’m sure a quickie won’t cloud your judgment at all. Plus you both are still obsessed with each other after 10 months of no contact. If that’s not true love I don’t know what is.

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