July 3, 2012 at 2:33 pm #32788
Hi guys, I was hoping to get your advice. Maybe you’d tell me what you’d do in this situation.
I am going to be a bridesmaid in my friend’s wedding. She lives 6 hours away, and I should point out I am the only out of town guest. I had intended on bringing my boyfriend of nearly three years to the wedding as my date, but she let me know that for the rehearsal dinner they are only letting married individuals bring their spouses as dates.
Furthermore, at the ceremony, of course, I will be away from my boyfriend. He will have to drive to the ceremony and reception on his own because I am in the wedding party limo (even though he doesn’t know the roads) and during the reception I will sit at the head table without him. I know much of this is unavoidable since I am in the wedding party, but it kind of stinks because I will be separated from my boyfriend most of the time. I asked my boyfriend how he felt, he said it was up to me, if I wanted him to come he would.
If it were you, would you leave the boyfriend at home, take him and feel awkward that he doesn’t know any one and you can’t be with him, or talk to your friend about including him more?July 3, 2012 at 2:42 pm #32789
Ha it’s funny you should bring this up – I have an identical situation in September – and Ethan said the same thing. I’ll go if you want me to. So he’s probably not going to go. I know if I was in his shoes I wouldn’t want to spend so much time by myself in a city I’m not familiar with when the only people I know are the bride and my wife – who’s in the wedding.
So that’s how we’re handling it. It’s weird my wedding is 6 hours away as well. To me – doing things by myself isn’t weird. We are both really independent so the fact that I’m married and going to a wedding solo isn’t awkward for me. I am going to know pretty much EVERYONE there – and I am so excited for the wedding. When I thought about the pros and cons of him going I realized the only reason I cared if he went was so that other people weren’t like – OMG they must be fighting or he must be a shitty husband – I can’t believe he didn’t come. And then I realized it’s not about other people. It’s about us and our relationship – and we know we’re solid and awesome – and it’s only one weekend.
I could go on and on about how often I feel like I am constantly trying to be “normal” and do things in a way that other people won’t judge my choices – but that’s a soapbox for another day. So do what you feel comfortable with.July 3, 2012 at 2:43 pm #32790
I’d leave him at home. Sounds like it’s going to be no fun for him anyway…He’s not even going to be able to sit with you at dinner? IMO, that’s pretty rude of the bride to not seat you guys together… I was in wedding last summer and my husbnad (fiance at the time) sat with me at the head table. When I was married a few months later, we had our own table and the bridesmaids/groomsmen sat with their dates at other tables.July 3, 2012 at 2:48 pm #32791
i agree with leaving him at home. unless he knows other guests and can hang out with them, he’s going to be pretty bored.July 3, 2012 at 2:54 pm #32792
I’d go alone… You’ll have more fun if you aren’t constantly worrying about your boyfriend…July 3, 2012 at 3:21 pm #32793
If he isn’t included in things, then why should he come? You can’t sit with him, he won’t know anyone, and honestly, you won’t get to spend any real time with him and there’s a good chance he’ll get lost/be late to the wedding/reception. He might as well stay home and enjoy a weekend sans you (not saying you’re a chore) and relax. One of you might as well, right?
Were I in your shoes, I’d go alone. Hell, were the roles reversed, I’d tell my SO to go and have a great time, I’d see him when he gets home.July 3, 2012 at 3:23 pm #32794
I would think about everything else the weekend entails. Is it in a fun city where you guys can have fun together after the rehearsal dinner and wedding? If so, you guys could take those few hours as an opportunity to hang out and do something really fun. There’s also the possibility of a fun six-hour road trip. Cheesy playlists and the license plate game, anyone? Also, you could presumably still dance with him at the wedding. You’re not forced to stay in your seat the whole time, right? I’m guessing that you have plenty of other opportunities for fun together!
But if it doesn’t sound fun to either of you, then there’s no reason for him to go! You can have an opportunity to hang out with other people you know, and he can have a guy’s weekend at home. Also consider if he’s the type of guy that loves social events and finds weddings really fun. It sounds like he’s not excited about it since he basically said he would only go if you wanted him to.July 3, 2012 at 3:34 pm #32796
Your boyfriend should be invited to the rehersal. End of story. It is rude to breakup social units at events.
As far as the wedding day goes, I would have him come. A little while ago I was a bridesmaid and my boyfriend was “just a guest” things we a little weird but they worked out just fine. The only awkward part was dinner when we were eating at separate tables, but the head table got served so much earlier and faster than everyone else, I was able to sit with him while he finished. Plus I got to spend cocktail hour and all of the dancing with him and stay in a cool hotel. So yeah, I would bring him, he’ll be fine for the hour or so he’ll be alone at the wedding.July 3, 2012 at 3:35 pm #32797
I don’t think there’s a right or wrong here, it kind of depends on you and your boyfriend’s personalities. Is he an outgoing guy that would have fun spending some time mingling on his own with strangers? I personally enjoy that type of situation, so I’d like to be included. If you think he’d rather not though, and you genuinely don’t care either way, then tell him that and make it clear that you won’t feel unsupported or resentful if he’d rather not come.July 3, 2012 at 3:55 pm #32801
I think ultimately he will just end up not coming because he’s on the quiet side and won’t enjoy being around 100 people he doesn’t know. He would go to make me happy, but I know he wouldn’t have much fun.
I think bottom line is that I wish my friend was a little more inclusive. I’ve spent a lot of money on travel, hair, makeup, dress, gifts, etc. and being there for her in everyway I can. But I can’t tell her who to invite to her rehearsal dinner and where to seat people at her reception, because it’s “her day.” And this is why I hate weddings.July 3, 2012 at 4:18 pm #32815
Yeah, but the rehearsal dinner is typically an intimate event and everybody usually just goes there immediately following the rehearsal. If you start including boyfriends, then everybody single will just assume they get to bring a date, and hey, I get it… Rehearsal dinners are usually NOT paid for by the bride and groom either, but by their parents…
And having people’s “dates” sit them at the wedding party often looks ridiculous… It’s too many people at one long table. And PS your friend’s wedding should be about you spending time with them, not you on a date with your boyfriend whom they probably don’t even know anyway…July 3, 2012 at 4:36 pm #32821
@BGM I get what you mean about the dates to the rehearsal thing, but Tech said they’ve been together for 3 years- thats more than just a “date”. But you’re right it could totally be that who ever is paying for the rehearsal isn’t willing to pay for them. In my experiance the actual rehearsal dinner wasn’t that long so the BF would be okay too.July 3, 2012 at 5:18 pm #32841
Let him stay home and have fun.
I will definetely break up social units when my time come to marry! They see each other every day, why must they sit next to each other for those few hours too? It´s really just for the dinner, then everybody dances/ goes sit somewhere else anyway. I´d die if everybody I got to know would only get to know me and my so as a unit. I´m my own person!
I just don´t think it´s rude at all, rather a good way for everyone to meet new people!July 3, 2012 at 5:43 pm #32847
@GatorGirl- I’m with in that I think breaking up social units at a party is crazy, especially when it involves an out of town bridesmaid! I mean she’s trekking all the way to the town for the wedding, I don’t get it. We downgraded our rehearsal dinner to a private room in a sports bar so ALL of our wedding party significant others were there since they all had to travel hours to get there.
@TECH- I think you touched on a key part of what I hate about weddings- when the wedding isn’t “inclusive”. I was in five weddings before mine, and most of them were all about keeping the wedding party in a group, which led to some pretty boring weddings when I didn’t know anyone else in the wedding party. One of the brides wouldn’t even let us mingle during cocktail hour because we had to “watch and support” the pictures of just her and her husband. lol The day is such a blur for the married couple, it’s not like you spend quality time with them anyway.
At my wedding, everyone sat with their dates and we sat our own. We did pictures before the ceremony, so everyone could go party with whoever they came with once we walked down the aisle. Everyone had a blast and I made sure all the dates and all friends felt comfortable.
Anyway, complaining over lol I think it’s up to you if you want your boyfriend there and if he wants to come and will be comfortable.July 3, 2012 at 9:08 pm #32870
I think tradition says that all out-of-town guests should be invited to the rehearsal dinner. Because he would be considered a guest to the wedding, he should be invited to the rehearsal. And in my experiences as a bridesmaid, usually the dates/husbands of the wedding party were seated together at the reception. Once the formal wedding party duties were done we were free to hang out with our dates. At any rate, if your boyfriend isn’t outgoing, I wouldn’t take him. Also, I also think it’s rude to tell people they are being rude, so there really isn’t anything you can do about the rehearsal dinner snub.
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