June 15, 2012 at 3:38 pm #30264
Me 36, he 45, we live in different countries in W Europe. We met shortly 6 years ago, while he was on business in my country, had a few friendly dates but I discovered he was married, not happy he said, but I stopped any contact with him. Last year he found me on FB, had been divorced for 4 years and in a few months convinced to me to have a long distance relationship. He visited me twice and all year last year he was the most amazing partner, he made me feel loved and special every single day, he wrote, texted, called and wanted us to have a video call almost every day!
This year things have changed, we’ve had less and less phone calls or video calls, only a few chats but we emailed and texted daily. It started when in Jan he got a new job that required a lot of his attention. I thought it was my turn to dedicate more to the relationship so I tried to accommodate, allowing him his space, trying to find the right moment, only addressed my doubts two or three times in a very polite and tactful manner on the phone, wrote only funny loving emails and texts.
While I know that our relationship is not at its best and there are things that he has stopped sharing with me but we are not discussing them because he would simply become distant, my question is about his online flirting that has started recently and I can’t understand it because I wouldn’t do that. I know this is not our real and biggest issue but as I said before this doesn’t seem to be the time to get to the bottom of the situation.
Three days ago we were talking about meeting next month, we both seemed to be very happy and at night time he sent me a lovely text saying that he couldn’t wait for us to be together again. When I visited his public Deviant account (my secret!) that evening I saw that a girl that lives pretty close to his area had posted the day before on one of his holiday photos ‘I want to go there!’ He replied: ‘When do we go?’ She replied: ‘Soon!’ Well, my boyfriend 20 minutes later after he sent me the lovely text saying that he couldn’t wait to be with me replied to her: ‘I look forward to it!’ Then he voted as favorite her two new pictures from that day, much more provocative then anything she had posted before and complimented her: ‘So expressive!’ To me she wasn’t expressive, she was cheap.
I know he didn’t have a serious interest in her in spite of flirting with her, he simply wouldn’t choose someone like that for a relationship but I texted him that night asking where was he going to go on holiday, where I live or to where he invited this girl…I told him that people are entitled to have fantasies as long as they remain that and the energy and the attention should be invested in our relationship if we think it’s worth it. I also told him that I found that girl to be cheap.
This was four days ago and he hasn’t contacted me since. I have been so upset that I didn’t want to speak with him anyway but I had no doubt that he was going to be affected by what was happening between us but now I am not so sure anymore. On Deviantart he hasn’t contacted that girl anymore but added a few new girls who pose naked to his watch list…
Besides this, there’s Instagram. He opened a public account a couple of months ago, sometimes he shares some of the pictures on facebook too so again I don’t feel guilty for following his activity even if he doesn’t know I’m doing it. A couple of weeks ago he started flirting with a married woman who is also a facebook friend and lives in his country. While they ignore each other on facebook, she was pretty insisting on Instagram in these two months I would say, and in the end he started to play the game. Again I thought it was a relationship with no future and decided not to discuss it with him hoping that he or she would stop this, he is in a relationship and she is married after all…But he even flirted with her by voting on a pic where she shows her breasts two days after I texted him that I discovered and was upset he was flirting with that girl on Deviantart and besides this there are other random girls who pose provocatively which he follows on Instagram too.
I feel I’ve had enough. This year has been so difficult, I mainly stayed in the relationship because of my feelings for him and how wonderful he used to be last year, hoping that I will see that man again. I don’t know if he flirts in real life, I don’t know if he does it online because he has no one in his life except me that for some time will have to be so many kilometers away. But I feel that he shouldn’t do it, it takes his time and energy away from our relationship and I am left with many doubts and so sad most of the time.
I would appreciate any comments that could help me understand if it’s normal for a man in a long distance relationship to follow so many girls online and sometimes flirt, while he texts and emails me that he loves me very very much, more than he could say. Is this some kind of repressed sexuality due to not having me in his life or lack of love and respect towards our relationship? Are men so visual, sexual and different of women?
I apologize for the long text! Thank you for taking the time to read it and for any comments!!!June 15, 2012 at 4:01 pm #30269
So, I think guys that do this kind of thing tend to do it for their own ego.
Besides this conversation where you called the online girl “cheap”, have you had an actual discussion with him about how you feel about his online activities? I think you straight up need to tell him “I find it disrespectful to our relationship that you are spending all of this energy on other women” (or something to that effect). If he is not willing to cut it out, and he knows it makes you feel lousy, then he clearly doesn’t love you as much as he says.
It’s not unreasonable to ask your boyfriend to not talk to/flirt with other girls on line.June 15, 2012 at 4:29 pm #30273
I don’t know, this guy unfortunately sounds like a wanderer. He tried dating you when he was already married (good for you, by the way, for ending it when you found out… but he doesn’t seemed to have changed much)
Flirting online isn’t “technically” cheating, but these actions coupled with his past ones make him seem extra shady. Not mention, yes, he is taking time away from maintaining his long-distance relationship with you. I would try contacting him again & asking what the deal is– does he want to continue dating you? and if so, what is he willing to do to work on what you guys have?June 15, 2012 at 5:17 pm #30275
It sounds to me like he’s checked out of your relationship already, and that’s why he’s doing it, just like he had checked out of his marriage when he dated you the first time around.
But the biggest problem I see with this guy is not the all the disrespect (and there’s a lot of it, btw. I don’t think any of what he’s doing is respectful to your relationship) but the immaturity of this whole thing. I don’t think all the following exhibitionist girls online and flirting with them publicly would be appropriate even for a single 45 year-old. I find it a bit repulsive, honestly.June 15, 2012 at 5:52 pm #30281
I second Rainbow.
Also, I think that retooling your tag line may bring it more into perspective for you- Why WOULD a man in a[n] LDR follow and flirt with girls online? No, for real…there is no reason for said man (a 45 yr old?!?!? uuugh) to be doing that. NONE. He is definitely checked outtta the realtionship.June 18, 2012 at 12:52 pm #30548
Tinas, you say that you “feel so sad most of the time”…
I feel like that statement says it all.
Wendy posted something the other day about an “app” for your phone to tell when you should “MOA”. Now, that is a silly concept, I know. None of us should need a phone to tell us when we should break up a relationship. But, the basis of the app wasn’t so bad. You track your day-to-day feelings. If you were feeling great most days, then you have a relationship worth working on. But, if you feel sad most of the time… then why are you staying? I think it might be time to go. You deserve better than everyday sadness.
*Unless* he is willing to work on this. By his lack of communication for FOUR days after you called him out on his behavior… well, he doesn’t seem willing to do the work.
I know this will hurt really badly to end things. But, it will eventually go away. If you stay with him- always wondering, always tracking his moves, always feeling sad… nothing will change. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
So sorry you are going through this. Best of luck!June 19, 2012 at 5:29 pm #30689
Thank you all for replying. I really appreciate it. May you have lots of kind and happy days!
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