Home › Forums › Get Advice, Give Advice › You never think domestic violence is going to happen to you
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kare 10 months ago.
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July 7, 2012 at 9:15 am #33186
Very glad to hear you’re getting out of there! It sounds like he’s trying to lull you into a place of denial by behaving as if everything will go back to normal. Stay strong– try not to write back to any of his outreaches, & remember he’ll probably volley throughout an entire range of emotional reactions in order to get one out of you.
July 7, 2012 at 2:57 pm #33198How is the move going?
July 7, 2012 at 3:53 pm #33199Ugh to the mutual friend. What s/he is really saying with “are you suuuure?” type questions is “please deny what’s going on so I don’t have to feel bad about being friends with an abuser.” Those are people you don’t need in your life.
I’m glad you don’t care what they think and I’m glad you’re moving. I hope everything goes smoothly for you.
July 7, 2012 at 7:50 pm #33214@iwannatalktosampson: The move went well, despite a little bit of rain near the end. I got home a little while ago, showered, and now I’m drinking a Shiner before I take a much needed nap. Since it was such short notice, my friends were either out of town or working this afternoon (aside for mutual friends who it wouldn’t have been appropriate to ask), so it was just me and my mom! Luckily I have been working out a lot lately!
This house is so depressing now with all my stuff gone. My ex is gonna walk in tomorrow and just lose it. I really won’t blame him for being upset. Still, I did what I had to do. There is no fucking way I would have killed my body moving today in the Texas heat/rain if I didn’t feel I needed to move out immediately. My cats are just making it harder on me. They’re going crazy needing attention. They aren’t making this easy.
My ex finally got cell phone service today and texted me half way through my move. He told me he got my message (telling him that I was probably going to move out) and that he is “willing to do anything and everything.” I’ll email him him right before I leave tonight, explaining how I’ve been feeling and why I moved out- past tense. He needs to know that he’s the one who made this happen, not me.
Well, I better go take a nap and get the rest of my tears out because I am meeting up with some friends and the foreign guys tonight! I’m probably way too exhausted to go out (definitely way too exhausted), but I’m trying to make something good out of this day. So dammit, I’m gonna have fun tonight.
Thanks for all the advice/well wishes, everyone. I’ll probably be back with another update or two in the recent future. Hopefully they will be boring, happy updates!
July 8, 2012 at 7:40 pm #33246Yeah he’s just not getting it. Is all your stuff moved out now? How was your night out?
July 8, 2012 at 11:49 pm #33255I know I’m super late on posting, but I feel its safe to say that we are all so so proud of you for how much courage you have to take care of yourself and to leave a dangerous situation. I cannot imagine how heart wrenching it must feel to have to do this, because you cared about that person so much, but you are doing the right thing for you 100%, and it will make you that much stronger. Take care of yourself, and have some fun, you deserve it. *HUGS*
July 9, 2012 at 11:33 am #33303Great job on closing the door on this relationship in order to remain safe and healthy. It’s very hard to tell someone you have to move on from them, even though you may still be very much in love with him. In the end, your happiness trumps all and that’s all that really matters. Just keep pressing forward and continue to try and get your life in order. Your ex will come back and try to lure you back into a relationship with him. If you were to go back, then that says to him that what happened before didn’t matter. The relationship would have two paths to take at that point. He would either never lay a finger on you or again, or he’ll start going upside your head with his fist. The risk is really not worth the reward to see which person he will become in the future. Friendship is possible in the distant future, but I would say romance is off limits.
July 9, 2012 at 12:29 pm #33313Yeah, I just want to come on here again to say that it seems he’s really looking to make this all go away (based on the whole “I’m willing anything and everything” shit) So just remember that– if he freaks out or whatever upon finding you & your stuff gone– his emotional reactions/pleas/anything at all he says to you is based on a desire to erase what happened and get you back. After an incident like this, a caring, non-abusive person would accept & understand the fact that you’re leaving. He already isn’t doing that.
Keep us updated– you’re being very strong, brave, & I admire the way you’re handling this!
July 12, 2012 at 8:47 pm #33604So, I actually have a GOOD update! A bizarre update, but good.
After I moved out, I had a long conversation with my ex. He was extremely sad, but surprisingly understanding. He addressed the email I wrote him and I think that hearing me go through my emotions really made it all sink in. There was quite a bit of miscommunication leading up to my move (the mutual friends, the phone call), but I’m still very glad I moved out. It was the wake up call he needed, and the peace of mind I needed. I decided to keep a line of communication open with my ex (mainly because of the cats) and it’s been successful so far. He’ll text me every other day or so, asking me something that could help him in therapy. Today, for instance, he asked me for 5 behavior changes I would like to see in him. He then asked how those behaviors made me feel, apologized, thanked me for responding, and that was it. He’s giving me space, but updating me on his progress. I have already seen a huge turnaround.
He’s going to therapy twice a week and his therapist seems really good for him. She’s not letting him separate the assault from the rest of his personality. She actually makes him use the word “assault” when describing what happened to me. I think he initially tried to use the word “accident” or “incident” and she didn’t let him get away with it. She also sent him home with a couple books and he seems to be reading them. We have only talked once or twice, but it has pretty much only been about his therapy. He’s finally getting the help he needs and it seems to REALLY be paying off.
I know that ultimately he wants us to reconcile. He has made it clear that he knows if that could possibly happen, it wouldn’t happen for a very long time. He wants to apologize to my family and friends eventually, too, regardless. He is very grateful that I haven’t completely cut him out of my life. So, as far as things stand right now, they’re good. It’s so nice to see that he is getting help so that this doesn’t happen again in the future to someone else.
As for me, I’ve just been spending a lot of time with friends, doing yoga, playing my guitar, writing. It’s difficult to live out of a suitcase, but it’s only for another month. It’s also difficult to be without a television. How am I going to watch Breaking Bad this Sunday?! At least there’s a couple swimming pools here.
I also have, um, a pretty big distraction right now. But that is for another thread (and possibly advice column, sigh).
July 14, 2012 at 2:59 pm #33687i’m so glad that he is trying to make the changes that he needs to make in his life. You seem to have a great mindset about it all. But how has no one commented on how big of a cliffhanger this is!!! I wanna know!
July 15, 2012 at 5:00 am #33701I haven’t responded to this thread too much yet, but have been following since the beginning, and wanted to give my two cents. While I think it’s good that he is in therapy, I would be very careful about how involved in his life you seem to be. This is what abusers do. By keeping you apprised of his therapy, by having you as a support for his recovery, you are, in a way, being given a share of the responsibility for his “healing” process. This can be used to manipulate you. And, no offense, but he has come across in all of your emails as a rather manipulative person. You are obviously a very caring, understanding, and nice person, and I worry that he is taking advantage of that. All of this just happened, and he is already dropping feelers about reconciling? And talking about apologizing to your family? Ugh. He doesn’t have the right to decide what he will do to “make this right” for you. Maybe I am biased, as I have worked with/dealt with abusers before in my day job, but I would break it off entirely. If he really wants to get better, he can do it without you. He doesn’t have the right to have you in his life. Let him get sorted, meanwhile live your life. If you decide you want him back, then by all means go back to him, but very very careful about this. He hurt you on purpose. It wasn’t an accident. Don’t ever forget that. There are millions of guys in the world who won’t try to smash your face in. I promise.
July 15, 2012 at 11:00 am #33702I just saw this update, and I’m really glad you got all of your stuff moved out safely and are moving on with your life. In a case like yours though, be very careful about remaining in contact with your ex. He does sound very manipulative and you are a compassionate person so you tend to fall for it. “He has made it clear that he knows if that could possibly happen, it wouldn’t happen for a very long time.” At that point, you should have told him it will never happen because you can’t trust him not to get physically violent with you. If you can see a friendship coming out of this in the future, that’s one thing. But don’t get his hopes up about rekindling the romance. Like mlippart said, there are lots of good guys in the world who won’t try to smash your face in.
Now, you mention a huge distraction…could it be foreign guys? If you’re already seeing someone else then you certain move on more quickly than I do. My breakup was 3 months ago and I haven’t really been interested in dating. Being single is a much better experience than I dreamed it could be. I’m not ready to ruin that with scary first dates quite yet. If you are seeing someone, don’t tell your ex about it. He could get jealous and come after you and/or your new guy.
Good luck! Keep us updated!!
July 18, 2012 at 10:12 pm #34005Yeah, so. Things are bad again. I’m not sure I really want to write about everything. I figure I need to vent. This is gonna be long.
I guess I should address the “distraction” I mentioned in an earlier post, since it becomes relevant later. It involves a little back story. (Scroll down a couple paragraphs if you don’t care.) I’ve been friends with my best guy friend since we were 13. I had an unreciprocated crush on him in high school. Throughout our twenties, we’ve never really been single at the same time, though there has been an obvious attraction. The one time we both were single- 4 years ago- he kissed me, it was amazing, but he immediately left and later apologized. He was still ending things with his long-term, long-distance girlfriend, but hoped we could remain friends. Our friendship totally changed after that, but we’ve remained friends over all these years. His girlfriend (of 3+ years) dumped him a few months ago and he took the break up pretty hard.
Now we’re obviously both single again and we hung out a couple weekends ago. We mostly just drank beer and talked about our past relationships and the general bullshit that came with their demise. Then we opened a bottle of wine and got in the pool and the conversation shifted to our history together. We got drunk. We made out. We slept together. And it was mind-blowingly amazing. I guess sexual tension built up over all the years will do that. Still, it was pretty stupid given the current state of things. We talked about it a few days later. I let him know that I was okay and that I didn’t want a relationship and it was just nice to have a distraction. He emphasized that he just didn’t want to make anything harder for me. He told me it was the most impulsive thing he’s ever done. He’d never had sex outside of a monogamous relationship before. Oh, and speaking of relationships, he was very bitter about them and not sure he ever wanted to be in another one ever again. So that’s how that conversation went. I thought it was successful. I thought it was mature. I thought we agreed that we could be friends and just have fun. I mean, it really was a nice distraction there for a week. This is probably the only time in my life I ever could have slept with him and not have it completely wreck me. He’s moving away in 2 weeks to another country for an entire year, by the way, so we’ll be apart for awhile.
So, now to the bad. My ex. Yeah, he’s totally regressed since the last time I wrote in here. I went over to the house a few days ago to pick up some important mail and to see the cats. It was during the day, he had been very friendly, I thought he’d keep it lighthearted. First of all, he had a huge framed photo of me propped up on the dresser, which made me feel weird. He talked a lot about his therapy, but I got the “poor me, I assaulted you” vibe from the things he was saying. He talked a lot about missing me and again with the discomfort. Like, he’s not trying to get over me at all. He’s not acting like we broke up. He’s just acting like I moved out temporarily. Even though I have absolutely told him otherwise. I don’t know what kind of reality he is living in. I think he’s completely consumed with the thought of getting back together with me. At one point, he asked if he could give me a hug. I said no, I wasn’t comfortable with that and he STARTED CRYING. Is he fucking kidding me with that manipulative bullshit? I got my mail and made a swift exit. I thought it was obvious that I was freaked. I haven’t spoken to him since.
Then yesterday. My birthday. The worst fucking day. I was an emotional wreck. I knew it would be hard… I just didn’t realize I would be temporarily insane. A MESS. My ex kick-started the emotional breakdown yesterday by leaving me a bouquet of roses on my FRONT DOOR. It really shook me. Like, he actually thought it was okay to drive 30 minutes down to my mom’s place and walk up to the door while I was in inside. The note on the flowers said, “May this be the only birthday we’re apart.” I was scared that he was there watching me. It was irrational! It was an irrational day. He texted me a few times yesterday, too, ugh. (Meanwhile, my dad and brothers still haven’t called to wish me a happy birthday.) I cried while driving to Starbucks, that’s how much of a fucking mess I was. Then nothing went as planned. The plan was: lake with my best friend, then over to the pool for grilling at dusk. She had to cancel the lake. I wanted to cancel everything. I ended up sleeping during the afternoon, crying for seemingly no reason, and then waiting around for an hour for people to finally come over. The grill wasn’t even working, but at that point I didn’t care. I just cared about the beer. The only people I cared to be there were my best friend and my best guy friend mentioned above. He said he was coming. He said he was on his way. Then he texted to say that he hadn’t left his house yet and was afraid that he’d stay out too late and drink too much, so he was just gonna stay home. I’m so disappointed. He talked a lot about not wanting to make things harder for me, and yet. He knew I really wanted him there, too. He knew it was important. He even said- multiple times!- that he was coming! He’s just gonna be a flake. Fine. I’m not going to convince someone to spend time with me. His fucking loss. Then a security guard on a power trip kicked us out of the pool and I cried myself to sleep. Remind me not to have anymore birthdays.
Deep breath.
It feels like the assault happened months ago. I’m exhausted.
July 18, 2012 at 11:47 pm #34010I really don’t have advice for your update, but I wanted to offer my support. It sounds like you have emotionally distanced yourself from your ex in the sense that you realize it’s over, and you’re going to go on with your life. That’s probably part of the reason it feels like the assault was months ago. I’ve never experienced anything like that, but my breakup feels like it was a sooo long ago even though it was 2 months or so…I don’t remember honestly. Do you have a restraining order against your ex? I think it might be beneficial to look in to. I’m also assuming your mom is aware of the flowers and everything, but if not be sure to talk to her and come up with a plan for if/when he starts making regular visits. Also, take a self-defense class. Get a concealed carry license/taser/something if that would give you some piece of mind. But don’t fall into a false sense of security either.
I’m sorry about the best guy friend thing. I honestly don’t have an answer for that. I went through something similar with a guy friend, and still don’t know what the fuck happened. He was super supportive during the demise of my relationship, we acknowledged our mutual attraction, I was finally single, we messed around, then he flaked on me. I’ve heard from him once since then and he said something about “not wanting me to get attached to him”. Your best guy friend may feel similar. He might be worried you will get attached, then he will move in 2 weeks and be the one to hurt you even more. Of course making up excuses isn’t nice, but some guys seem to have problems being straight up honest. I’m so sorry your birthday went horribly wrong. Maybe in 6 months have a do over “half birthday” party. There are going to be bad days in the future when everything hits you all at once, but you are a survivor. You will pick yourself up and move on with your life. You’ve been through a lot already in a short amount of time and are handling it way better than most people. I don’t mean this to sound creepy since I don’t actually know you, but I am proud of you for leaving your ex. So many people give their abuser too many chances before they finally leave (if they ever leave), and you made the wise decision to get out after the first time. Stay strong and keep us updated.
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