Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Friday Links

Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

“What Humans Can Learn From A Simple Kiss” [via NPR]

Related to the rape column from last week: “College Women: Stop Getting Drunk.
It’s closely associated with sexual assault. And yet we’re reluctant to tell women to stop doing it.” [via Slate]

“The Great American Menu: Foods Of The States, Ranked And Mapped” [via DeadSpin]

This is really sweet: “She Didn’t Think The Love Of Her Life Was Romantic Enough. Then She Looked Out Her Office Window.” [via Upworthy]

“More women seek pregnancy with donor eggs” [via USA Today]

“10 Things Only Women With Big Boobs Can Understand” [via HuffPo]

An artist takes photos of white, middle-aged corporate women sporting traditionally black hairstyles [via Slate]

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to wendy@dearwendy.com and if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

132 comments… add one
  • katie

    katie October 18, 2013, 12:47 pm

    i do agree with the college drinking article that binge drinking is out of control and if that stopped, things like sexual assault would be reduced too.

    i also loved that they mentioned lowering the drinking age as a way to combat it! i have no idea why that hasnt happened yet.

    at my college, drinking was HUGE. so so huge. kitchen workers are notorious for alcohol and drug problems, and like the article said a little, it was like a chicken and egg situation- were they drinking and doing drugs because they were in the industry, or was the industry making them do it? it was weird. i never drank a ton though, and ive always been like that. and i was always kind of the odd one out…

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    • avatar

      A La Mode October 18, 2013, 12:51 pm

      I really liked this bit:
      “I’m always feeling defensive that my main advice is: ‘Protect yourself. Don’t make yourself vulnerable to the point of losing your cognitive faculties,’ ” says Anne Coughlin, a professor at the University of Virginia School of Law, who has written on rape and teaches feminist jurisprudence. She adds that by not telling them the truth—that they are responsible for keeping their wits about them—she worries that we are “infantilizing women.”

      At my college, they have mandatory “alcoholism screenings” and a ton of other preventative measures. I suppose it has helped in that no “public student” rapes have been reported this semester so far, but unfortunately they have already happened in the Greek system.

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      • avatar

        Jessi October 18, 2013, 5:54 pm

        Of course. Did you read that “frat guys are 3x more likely to rape” stat? Totally not surprising at all. I so agree about teaching women to look out for themselves, but it’s so frustrating that the primary teaching isn’t devoted to teaching men NOT to rape. Lessons are still instilled everywhere – if the man does ____, he therefore earns sex/the woman.

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle October 18, 2013, 12:50 pm

    When you guys kiss, do you try to time your breathing with the other person so your inhales are opposite to your partner’s, & you can breathe in the air they’re exhaling through their nose as they kiss you? Because I do, & then I tell my boyfriend his carbon dioxide smells good.

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    • Miel

      Miel October 18, 2013, 1:00 pm

      Usually when I kiss, I need to remind myself of the fact that I have a nose. I’ll be out of air and break the kiss and then like “oh, never mind, I can breath trough my nose !” So no synchronized nose-breathing thing… I’m still at the beginner level.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson October 18, 2013, 1:14 pm

        I wish I was kissing right now.

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    • avatar

      Christy October 18, 2013, 2:07 pm

      No! I don’t want to breathe her carbon dioxide – I want oxygen. I try to match breaths, but we breathe at different intervals, so we don’t match up.

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    • avatar

      EricaSwagger October 18, 2013, 3:35 pm

      Did you know you can breathe through the other person’s nose while making out?

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle October 18, 2013, 3:39 pm

        No! Tell me more. haha

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      • avatar

        EricaSwagger October 18, 2013, 4:02 pm

        I’d like to preface this by saying I found out totally by accident lol.
        Anyway, you just make sure your open mouths are sealed against each other (so you could only breathe through your nose) and the one person just relaxes their throat — and then the other person breathes from their mouth, and it pulls air through the first person’s nose.
        It’s really kinda cool!

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle October 18, 2013, 4:16 pm

        Ahh okay totally trying this!

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  • avatar

    jlyfsh October 18, 2013, 12:50 pm

    I know women with small chests have their own set of issues, but the big boobs article made me laugh. Oh, boob sweat and two sports bras so my boobs don’t hurt after a run, haha.

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    • avatar

      jlyfsh October 18, 2013, 1:15 pm

      also I love the SC shrimp n grits is #2 on the food map. Oh my gosh my friend got some this weekend and they were so good. Probably more butter than I ever want to know went in to them, but they were just so good!

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    • KKZ

      KKZ October 18, 2013, 1:15 pm

      Bear calls me Tits McGee all the time!

      I can relate to boobsweat, pop-outs and spillovers, sports bras (an eternally frustrating conundrum), stretch marks from the teenage growth spurt in that area, too-expensive bras at specialty stores, physically holding them with my hands during exercise (jumping jacks are the WORST!!! any kind of jumping, really, but I had one class where that was part of the warmup all the time and I hatttttted it) and yes, ALL of my clothing decisions are breast-based.

      I can say I was never really teased for it growing up; I can’t really relate to the “no one looks at my face, everyone thinks I’m a dumb slut” thing. I don’t think I’ve ever caught someone looking at my cleavage instead of my face – if they do, I’m oblivious to it.

      Surgery is on the 2014 agenda/wishlist, I’ve been saving up for about a year now. Still not super-close to the total but should at least be able to make a dent and finance the rest.

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    • Copa

      Copa October 18, 2013, 1:29 pm

      I think I have the perfect boobs, you guys. I really do.

      All seriousness aside, though, when I was heavier, my boobs were a C-cup, and while I never had the issues listed there, I found them so annoying. They just got in the way all the time, and it was so dumb. They’re back to B cups, YAY! and like I said, they’re really nice boobs.

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    • avatar

      rachel October 18, 2013, 1:44 pm

      Yeah, I can relate to that one a lot, haha. Whoever made demi-cups in my bra size is just playing a cruel joke, because that sure won’t do.

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      • KKZ

        KKZ October 18, 2013, 1:56 pm

        That’s the thing that really gets me, when brands that make bras for “average” breasts (A-C cup) think they can just add more fabric and call it a DD with NO thought to practicality. I’ve gotten frustrated by this in the dance world too, finding sooooo many cute dance tops that only go up to a D, and the selection in the “plus sizes” is usually bleh at best or completely unusable/impractical at worst.

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      • Miel

        Miel October 18, 2013, 2:16 pm

        Like the “extra-push-up-double-super-cleavage bras” that are basically made for AA cups that want to look like Bs… and then they put more fabric and more padding and call it a D. Not it’s not ! Why would a D cup want to wear your most intense push-up bra ? The padding on those is so heavy, I feel like I’m working out just putting it on.

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      • avatar

        painted_lady October 18, 2013, 3:57 pm

        Actually, it depends on your shape. Mine are…I dunno, dense, droopy, ugh, something, and I need a little extra support just so they’ll stay at normal height. I hear a lot of people who know me say, “As big as they are?! Why do you need the push up?” I generally remind them that if they’ve seen me outside the gym/derby practice, they’ve seen me in a push-up bra.

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster October 18, 2013, 5:13 pm

        I’m a 34D. I once let a Victoria’s Secret sales clerk talk me into buying a push up bra… I look like a porn star with that bra on. It’s gorgeous, but I barely ever wear it because my boobs are practically touching my chin. It’s absurd. And it was effing expensive! My boyfriend likes it, though. Lol.

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    • avatar

      Ladybug October 18, 2013, 2:05 pm

      I can relate to all the issues listed in that one, especially shopping based on what kind of bra will be required with an outfit! And I would kill to find a sports bra that would actually hold my boobs in place in place during a run. Short of duct tape, I don’t think such a thing exists.

      I don’t recall ever being teased about my size, even though I was sporting D cups by 13. But then I was a mousey little nerd, so the human piranhas that frequently masquerade as middle school girls had so much fodder there that I guess they just never got around to the boob jokes.

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    • lemongrass

      Lemongrass October 18, 2013, 2:19 pm

      Being an H cup I was definitely teased growing up! This article didn’t even mention breastfeeding which is more complicated when you could smother your newborn if you aren’t paying attention. Luckily in Canada a breast reduction is covered medically and to be honest I will be having my next kid a lot sooner than I would have if I had smaller breasts so that I can get mine reduced after.

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      • Northern Mermaid

        Northern Mermaid October 18, 2013, 2:25 pm

        I have BIG boobs. My last bra was an F/G and I always leave Nordstrom crying because it’s so hard to find bras that aren’t ugly in my size. I’m 25…I don’t want my boobs to be encased in a nude sack with three inch straps. I want to be pretty, damnit! And then finding a bathing suit is also another tear-fest. And I TOTALLY got teased in middle school about being dumb and slutty.
        And I can only buy men’s button downs, so basically I only wear them for field work. I think boobs are why I mostly wear dresses—-it’s hard to find tops that don’t make me look ridiculous.

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      • lemongrass

        Lemongrass October 18, 2013, 2:48 pm

        Yeah back before I had E and would wear bikini style bathing suits I wore a sports bra. Everything else was just wayyyy too revealing for me.

        Also no one is asking me the overly personal question of when I’m going to have the next baby. Guys we are kinda trying now!!!

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      • MissRemy

        Ally October 19, 2013, 12:58 pm

        To all members of ‘the big-titty-committee’ (love that haha!) brastop.com, brastop.com, brastop.com! They do international shipping for a reasonable rate and cater specifically to those of us with larger boobs. I shop no where else for lingerie now 🙂 Amazing how a well fitting bra can make your clothes look so much better.

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  • GatorGirl

    GatorGirl October 18, 2013, 1:03 pm

    I know there are so much bigger things to discuss from the drinking/rape article, but I found it amusing they singled out the University of Florida. “…according to The Insider’s Guide to the Colleges, when the University of Florida plays Florida State University, “Die-hard gator fans start drinking at 8 am. No joke.” ” This is literally EVERY game (not just big ones), and it’s the same everywhere else in the SEC. UF v FSU is actually a really tame weekend here since most undergrads are out of town for Thanksgiving.

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    • iwannatalktosampson

      iwannatalktosampson October 18, 2013, 1:06 pm

      It’s the same at all big colleges. It’s called breakfast beer. Or sometimes breakfast whiskey. And it’s delish.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl October 18, 2013, 1:11 pm

        It is delish. But I do agree it fosters a bad environment if people aren’t careful…shwasty faced undergrads by like 3pm opens up all kinds of questionable behavior; from fights, to what the article describes, to alcohol poisoning.

        I do love a good beer with my breakfast.

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    • avatar

      rachel October 18, 2013, 1:43 pm

      Yeah, doesn’t everybody do kegs and eggs?

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  • katie

    katie October 18, 2013, 1:03 pm

    i have always been curious about donating eggs. i actually got sort of into the interview process once. i just dont know if i could do it because i dont really believe in the fertility industry as a whole… but its cool that increased egg donation has increased healthy babies born.

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    • avatar

      TECH October 18, 2013, 1:10 pm

      Yeah, I don’t think I could ever donate my eggs. I always see ads that say you’ll get $8000 for being an egg donor. That’s like, not even half of a Honda Civic. Not worth it to me. To have on my conscious that there’s a child walking around the world that looks half like me and half like some random dude I’ve never met. It seems almost science fictiony.

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    • GatorGirl

      GatorGirl October 18, 2013, 1:32 pm

      I looked into egg donation, and I would have done it if the restrictions weren’t so crazy. It was thinking like you can’t drink, a multitude of doctors appointments, I believe there where restrictions on sexual activities (all my remembering from 5ish years ago). There was also the “assault” it puts on your body…pumping you full of hormones to get egg releases. It wasn’t worth the $5k to 10K they where paying.

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      • katie

        katie October 18, 2013, 2:09 pm

        yea, the whole procedure kind of freaked me out. and it does have its own risks and everything.

        i would probably go through it for someone i was close to, but just for money it didnt seem too worth it

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle October 18, 2013, 2:09 pm

        I feel like I posted this here before, in regard to a past egg donation discussion(?) but here: It really goes into terrifying detail of what your body goes through, as well as the process they put you through. I had lightly entertained the idea of donating my eggs before I came across this, haha

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  • avatar

    Amber October 18, 2013, 1:12 pm

    I still don’t see how telling woman not to binge drink to lower their chances of being assaulted is any different from telling someone if they don’t want their call stolen, to lock it. If they don’t want to be pickpocketed, wear a money belt. Or encouraging self defense classes, whatever.

    I feel like it’s gotten to the point where no one can say anything about how women need to make smart choices about their safety, without someone saying it’s victim blaming. Because at the end of the day you can only control yourself and your actions, so I don’t see the problem with telling women not to get falling down drunk around a bunch of strangers.

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    • avatar

      MissDre October 18, 2013, 1:26 pm

      For what it’s worth, I agree with you. I also agree that society needs to do a lot more to deal with men who think they are entitled to have sex with anyone they want, whether she consents or not. There isn’t just one single strategy to combat rape. I think we need to be looking at it from all angles.

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      • avatar

        Amber October 18, 2013, 1:34 pm

        Addressing rape culture issue is the long game though. Women not getting mentally incapacitated around strangers is like the low hanging fruit that would quickly reduce these types of rapes (if women listen and do modify their behaviour).

        But I definitely agree that both need to be addressed.

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    • KKZ

      KKZ October 18, 2013, 1:26 pm

      The high incidence of sexual assault when alcohol is involved is not a cause-and-effect argument, it’s simply a statistical observation. Trouble is, most people forget this and automatically assume that two things that are statistically linked MUST be linked by cause-and-effect. If only we could get everyone to accept that correlation =/= causation, this idea that we can’t talk about correlated things without assigning blame wouldn’t be so hard to fight.

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      • avatar

        SasLinna October 18, 2013, 1:34 pm

        Word. If only more people understood a thing or two about statistics.
        I’m really tired of the whole conversation around rape prevention. It makes me sad.

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      • katie

        katie October 18, 2013, 1:51 pm

        yea, this is the real problem behind the “dont drink if you dont want to be raped” thing. i mean, can we look at all the data of what “contributes” to rape? it would be a reallllly long list, im sure.

        i do not, however, have a problem with talking about the terrible binge drinking culture and i do believe that if heavy drinking slowed, so would rapes and sexual assaults. but, like you said, it wouldnt be a cause and effect thing.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson October 18, 2013, 1:54 pm

        I’m totally okay with talking about that. But why don’t we talk about how men who are intoxicated are more likely to rape and more likely to not be able to recognize enthusiastic consent when they see it. Why is it ALWAYS focused on the victim? ALWAYS. Because most rapists aren’t monsters, and no one wants to talk about that.

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      • avatar

        rachel October 18, 2013, 1:55 pm

        Yes, great point.

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      • katie

        katie October 18, 2013, 1:59 pm

        yep. lowered binge/heavy drinking would lead to less rapes for a lot of reasons, like you said.

        maybe, could we start saying that men shouldnt be the ones drinking because they then are more likely to rape and they are not be able to give or receive consent? why isnt that an argument? it IS always about what the potential victim, who can never predict when she will become a victim, can do to NEVER become a victim. its ridiculous

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson October 18, 2013, 2:01 pm

        It is the most ridiculous thing ever. I don’t know what to say. Today is the most coherent I’ve been on the subject in a while, it’s just so baffling to me. I have never once seen it suggested that maybe men should quit drinking in an effort to lower the rate of rapes.

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      • avatar

        bethany October 18, 2013, 2:35 pm

        ITA. Obviously women need to protect themselves from harm, but men need to stop fucking raping people. I mean, seriously.

        In male on female rape, the only way it can 100% be prevented is if men stop doing it. That’s it. Men, and all people, really, need to be taught to respect other people, and that No means NO, and that to have consensual sex, you actually need to have consent.

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      • KKZ

        KKZ October 18, 2013, 2:01 pm

        Why is it ALWAYS focused on the *female* victim? Why don’t we talk about how people of any sex who are intoxicated are more likely to not be able recognize consent – their own or someone else’s?

        That’s another way the conversation has to change. Going into every discussion about rape assuming that we’re talking about male-on-female rape is already limiting the conversation and supporting cultural myths about male and female sexuality. There are ways to talk about rape in gender-neutral terms.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson October 18, 2013, 2:02 pm

        Yeah I didn’t even want to touch that today, but you’re right. Men get raped too and there are so many fucked up prejudices in people’s minds.

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      • KKZ

        KKZ October 18, 2013, 2:11 pm

        I’m not pointing this out to be mean, because I do believe you’re educated on this and believe you when you say you know it’s a problem, but … you’ve written several comments on this topic on this page all through that male-to-female lens. It’s a culturally-implanted bias and I’m not holding you responsible for it, but if you’re really this motivated to change the conversation around rape, start with paying attention to your own language.

        God there was no way to not sound bitchy writing that. Much love IWTTS! All’s I’m sayin is, let’s start changing the conversation even while we’re talking about changing the conversation.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson October 18, 2013, 2:13 pm

        Yup I did that on purpose. I didn’t just “accidentally” only talk about male on female rape. I specifically chose to only focus on the article listed in this thread. Which was the “girls don’t get black out drunk or you’ll get raped” angle. If you would like to start a discussion about female on male rape you certainly can.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle October 18, 2013, 2:17 pm

        Yeah, I think it’s natural to use male-to-female rape language when discussing an article that is discussing that.

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      • KKZ

        KKZ October 18, 2013, 2:24 pm

        It’s two angles to the same article, and both are legit. You’re upset that the article is another in a long line of advice pointed at the victims, not the perps. I give you that – totally legit complaint. I’m upset not only at the victim focus, but the gender focus. I’m annoyed at rape always being posed in a heteronormative way casting females as victims. You can write a very good article about the dangers of mixing sex and alcohol without filtering it through the male perpetrator/female victim paradigm, but that’s not the first place most people go – that’s rape culture for you.

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      • katie

        katie October 18, 2013, 2:06 pm

        well, thats the only rape there is, remember. its only ever a scary, creepy, strange male that rapes an unsuspecting and compromised female. if there were more kinds, we would need more dialogue about it. come on, thats crazypants!!

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl October 18, 2013, 2:05 pm

        Yeah I completely agree. There was no mention of maybe it would be a good idea if the rapists weren’t black out drunk too.

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      • Northern Mermaid

        Northern Mermaid October 18, 2013, 2:27 pm

        Iwanna for the win!

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      • avatar

        SasLinna October 18, 2013, 2:02 pm

        Yes, the list of what “contributes to rape” would be long. For example, since a lot of rapes are perpetrated in intimate relationships (or after they end), one of the leading risk factors for getting raped probably is “having a boyfriend”. But everyone understands that you can’t tell women to just not get involved with men at all. Having a boyfriend is considered “normal”, getting drunk isn’t. People think they are commenting on objective risk increases, but there’s a huge distortion in how those risks are perceived .

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle October 18, 2013, 2:20 pm

        Awesome point.

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    • iwannatalktosampson

      iwannatalktosampson October 18, 2013, 1:32 pm

      The main reason it bothers me is because why AGAIN is there an article focused on what the women can do and not how to not be a rapist. Why the fuck is the focus always on what women should do to avoid being raped. How about articles on the entitlement of some men? That they deserve sex. What about articles on how to raise and educate men on what enthusiastic consent looks like? Why not have more discussions about the rights of people in relationships? What about some discussions about marital rape? How about discussions about the legal threshold of proving rape? FUCK anything! Just don’t give me one more article about how “statistically” women can avoid rape. Because you avoid rape by not coming into contact with rapists. PERIOD. If you want to write an article about the dangers or binge drinking – FINE. Be my guest. But do not ever write an article about why women shouldn’t binge drink for the SOLE PURPOSE of avoiding getting raped. Fuck that. I have no idea why we continually have this discussion and why I continually want to rip my hair out.

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      • avatar

        MissDre October 18, 2013, 1:36 pm

        Agree with you, too.

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      • avatar

        Amber October 18, 2013, 1:39 pm

        Yeah, this is one issue where I can definitely see both sides. I still agree with Emily Yoffe’s article though (and rebuttal).

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      • avatar

        SasLinna October 18, 2013, 1:39 pm

        Totally agree. And people saying stuff like “there’s no right to get drunk”. Why yes, actually there is. The most ironic thing to me is that telling women not to drink is like one of the age-old things that women are always told. Yet every year or so someone writes a click-baiting article making it sound like it’s this new, revolutionary and oh-so-taboo idea.

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      • avatar

        SasLinna October 18, 2013, 3:35 pm

        To prove my point, someone quoted the same “women, don’t drink!” argument in the comments to this article:
        It was quoted from a 1980 article.

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      • avatar

        rachel October 18, 2013, 1:46 pm

        Preach.

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      • katie

        katie October 18, 2013, 1:54 pm

        BOOM.

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      • KKZ

        KKZ October 18, 2013, 2:04 pm

        These articles exist. You can find a lot of them at The Good Men Project – goodmenproject.com – as one example.

        Just because those articles aren’t getting picked up by Salon or HuffPo or other mainstream publishers doesn’t mean no one’s talking about them.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson October 18, 2013, 2:07 pm

        Great so they’re not mainstream – so someone would have to already been tuned in and sensitive to these issues to see them – awesome that solves nothing.

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      • rawkmys0cks

        rawkmys0cks October 18, 2013, 7:06 pm

        Oh god…GMP…I have read their stuff, and *some* of it is good and/or thoughtful, but a lot of it is some MRA bullshit. I take it with a grain of salt…

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle October 18, 2013, 7:15 pm

        This.

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      • avatar

        Nadine October 19, 2013, 2:57 am

        Its an awful problematic website. Not touching with bargepole.

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    • avatar

      Meredith October 18, 2013, 6:22 pm

      The problem is because instead of telling women “don’t get raped” we should be telling men “DON’T RAPE”. Why is the onus on the women? I’m not saying it’s a smart idea to get falling down drunk, but I don’t think that’s a good idea even aside from the potential it has to contribute to a rape.

      Why is it the women’s responsibility to prevent a rape and not the men’s responsibility to NOT RAPE?

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  • avatar

    MissDre October 18, 2013, 1:14 pm

    Everything about the Big Boobs article I can totally relate too! My SIL freaked out the other night when I mentioned spending $200 on a bra. She was like WHAT!?!? Well, I’m an H cup. I can’t just go to La Senza or Victoria Secret and pick out any old cute little A or B cup bra out of the sale bin for $10. I have to go to a specialty boutique down town and be fitted.

    I also can’t go without a bra, ever, or my boobs will hang down to my waist and yeah it definitely makes me insecure. I also can’t wear anything backless, nor can I go strapless… and even those converter bras don’t really work for someone my size. It sucks.

    After I have children, I’m definitely getting a breast reduction. I’d like to go down to a C cup I think.

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    • avatar

      Scattol October 19, 2013, 6:06 am

      You know of course that La senza and Victoria Secret are actually owned and operated by the same company

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  • landygirl

    landygirl October 18, 2013, 1:17 pm

    Emily Yoffe wrote a response to her critics about the piece that Wendy just linked…

    http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/10/18/rape_culture_and_binge_drinking_emily_yoffe_responds_to_her_critics.html

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    • avatar

      A La Mode October 18, 2013, 1:29 pm

      Thanks for bringing that to my attention! These two paragraphs were quite succinct:

      If this woman were to speak up, she’d be accused of being part of the “rape culture”—one of those elastic terms that’s used as a cudgel to shut people up. But when a woman who is counseling victims of rape feels constrained from giving practical advice to young women about the beneficial effects of keeping their wits about them, we really have a problem in the culture.
      The need to close down discourse on difficult subjects was another popular response to my piece. This was best summed up in Jezebel’s rebuttal to my story, which stated: “DON’T write ‘how not to get raped’ columns in the first place.” It’s unfortunate that instead of wanting to engage in discussion of complicated, sensitive topics, a fellow journalist would prefer to dictate that only certain points of view are ideologically acceptable.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson October 18, 2013, 1:44 pm

        You know what I find a complicated and sensitive topic to discuss? Rapists. Lets talk about that. Lets talk about how the majority of rapists know their victims. Last I checked 80%. That means 80% of rapists are your neighbors, your friends, your co-workers. Lets stop looking at rapists as the scary guy in the mask. He’s the clean cut guy next to you on the bus. He has parents and siblings and a job and friends. Is that uncomfortable for people to talk about? Good, I have no problems talking about that.

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    • avatar

      Sara October 18, 2013, 2:57 pm

      I was expecting a more thoughtful response to the criticisms from EY. She’s mostly saying that she’s just misunderstood? But I understood her. She said: “[Binge drinking is] closely associated with sexual assault. And yet we’re reluctant to tell women to stop doing it.” Why didn’t she choose to write: It’s closely associated with sexual assault. And yet we’re reluctant to tell men and women to stop doing it.” I don’t think this was a sensitive issue: we certainly aren’t as reluctant to tell young women not to binge drink as we are to tell young men not to binge drink.

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle October 18, 2013, 2:14 pm

    I can’t even with the rape article. Read it yesterday, as well as reactions to it both positive & negative, & I’m just exhausted. Tell everyone to stop binge drinking, don’t just tell your girls that binge drinking might get them raped, while telling your boys that binge drinking might get them ACCUSED of rape (you guys saw that line, right? SO MANY PROBLEMS with that thinking; first, it implies that men don’t rape, only get “accused”—falsely, I presume— & it also implies men don’t get raped)

    Reply Link
    • CatsMeow

      CatsMeow October 18, 2013, 2:23 pm

      YES! Yes yes yes THAT LINE… I can’t…. UGHHHH.

      Reply Link
      • Northern Mermaid

        Northern Mermaid October 18, 2013, 2:40 pm

        Yeah. You know how many men I have met that were like, “Let’s go out, get drunk, and score.”

        NOPE. How about a conversation in the mainstream media that says “Hey guys. If you’re going to be binge-drinking, don’t have sex. I usually like Emily Yoffee’s Dear Prudence column, but I’m kinda over her after this.

        You know what? If I want to go out and get drunk off my ass and have a good time, I should be able to without this fear of being victimized. Being drunk gives NO ONE the right to touch me.

        So, let’s see, what other things am I not allowed to do as a woman: Can’t go jogging at night, can’t go for a hike alone, can’t go to the bathroom in a bar alone, can’t have a boyfriend, can’t have male friends, male bosses, or male co-workers, can’t dress in whatever clothes I want. Can’t. Can’t. Can’t. Can’t. Can’t. FFS, I’m a woman, not a prisoner. I feel like being a woman in America is defined by what we can’t do, and I’m so so so so over it.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle October 18, 2013, 2:47 pm

        Oh, your “Let’s go out, get drunk, and score” thing reminded me of another rant I have lurking inside my brain—you know all those people who are like, “But women, women cry rape! A man & a woman get drunk & have sex, & all she has to do is ~regret it~ AND THEN CRY RAPE”? Well, guess what, that unlikely scenario would be *even unlikelier* IF we fucking lived in a culture that didn’t shame women for having sex/wanting sex in the first place?

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl October 18, 2013, 2:54 pm

        Oddly enough, I knew a lot of women in college who had the “Let’s go out, get drunk, and score.” Not sure where I’m going with that, just popped into my mind.

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    • KKZ

      KKZ October 18, 2013, 2:45 pm

      So maybe I’m a pessimist, but I frankly don’t see this problem ever being solved. Since when has any effort to curb people’s free will to drink alcohol actually worked?

      When I worked at the newspaper, we would publish announcements of when and where DUI checkpoints would be set up – I think that’s Ohio law, cops can’t just set up a random surprise checkpoint without making a public declaration of some kind. And every damn time we published one of those articles, asshats came by to say “Well, now I know what area to avoid when I’m driving drunk! Checkpoints are stupid and invasive, I’m going to drink and drive TWICE as hard now, and get away with it too, just to spite the cops.” etc. etc.

      Everyone thinks they can get away with it, and none moreso than teens/college-age adults. You can barrage them with all the anti-binge-drinking messages in your arsenal and they will nod and smile and agree and then go get shitfaced because “it’s prooooobably not going to happen to them.”

      Which is not to say we should stop trying, but damn, my expectations are really low that society will ever get a grip on this stuff. I think about the ideal feminist vision of the world, all consenting and equal and pleasant and non-rapey, and I laugh. We can try and try and try and try and that’s just not gonna happen. HOWEVER again, that doesn’t mean give up, because if the messages/movement stop even one rape from happening, that’s worth it. But let’s stop teasing ourselves with dreams of utopia, shall we?

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle October 18, 2013, 2:56 pm

        Right, totally, I mean, people have been binge drinking since the cavemen learned to ferment things (…? I don’t know how/when alcohol was made, okay?), & probably won’t ever stop, but I just mean “we” (as a society) should caution against the dangers of over-imbibing to EVERYONE, not just women.

        Of course, of course, college kids will get crunk. My roommate & I got caught with alcohol once, & our punishment was to research the dangers of alcohol & make a bulletin board in the hallway out of the information we found. We prrrrobably were drinking AS WE MADE the bulletin board, haha. But the messages regarding rape + alcohol shouldn’t be centered around “women be drinkin’ too much”, & right now, they are. And that should change. And it IS changing— I mean, I never even heard of victim blaming until maybe 4-5 years ago? Up until recently, few people questioned the logic of “don’t get yourself raped.” So the conversation is being changed, I think.

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      • Northern Mermaid

        Northern Mermaid October 18, 2013, 3:25 pm

        Fab–you and I are on the same wavelength. Yes. The “binge-drinking problem” isn’t one that’s ever going to be solved, but the discussion of “if you want to stop being raped, stop binge-drinking” HAS to stop. For one thing, like Fab pointed out, it’s all centered around women who drink too much, leaves out male victims (like KKZ pointed out) and that discussion takes culpability away from rapists and assigns it to victims and that is not ok.

        And Yoffee’s article was one part “Binge drinking is bad for all things” and two parts “Binge drinking will get you raped” and that’s just not ok.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow October 18, 2013, 3:26 pm

        I love watching videos of monkeys and other animals getting drunk off fermented fruit.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle October 18, 2013, 3:42 pm

        The other day the same gnat kept trying to drown itself in my wine (’cause yeah, in nature they get drunk off of fermented fruit). My boyfriend kept removing it & then letting it fly off when it was dry, & then I guess it would fly around drunkenly & dive back in.

        (Sorry this was my “taking a break from rape discussion” comment. haha)

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow October 18, 2013, 4:01 pm

        Ha, that’s hilarious.

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9HRSi8p9KI : drunken animals, complete with morning after hangovers.

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      • avatar

        SasLinna October 18, 2013, 3:33 pm

        I agree that binge drinking it not going to go away. Even alcohol prohibition didn’t really work. I think getting all worked up about it is just a way for some people to feel comfortably better-than. Yes, high alcohol consumption exacerbates some social problems. Are they going away if only binge drinking stopped? Nope.

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  • avatar

    bethany October 18, 2013, 2:42 pm

    I loved the pictures of the white women with the traditionally black hairstyles! What a neat idea. Also, I liked how “Many of the women Beal included in the project said they felt excited simply to learn about new products and styles and to be able to ask questions without feeling inappropriate”

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    • katie

      katie October 18, 2013, 2:48 pm

      yep. so awesome!

      i love natural black hair. i think it is so beautiful, and its so interesting how they style/cut/take care of it- completely different then white hair. i actually went to a black hairstylist once, and we started talking about white vs black hair, and she told me a little about it.

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    • avatar

      amanda October 18, 2013, 2:50 pm

      Same!

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    • katie

      katie October 18, 2013, 2:50 pm

      also, some of those hair styles are awesome! i hate that white women had to be a part of a project to get those styles put on them, and then that so many black women just get weaves or extensions to hide their own hair and become more white. although i dont know a whole lot about the styles, so i dont know which ones count as “covering up” or which ones dont.

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      • avatar

        bethany October 18, 2013, 2:58 pm

        I don’t know how anyone, black or white has the patience to get extensions/weaves. I couldn’t sit in that chair for hours. Thank God for the ponytail is all I have to say.

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      • katie

        katie October 18, 2013, 3:02 pm

        oh, no, they are pretty common, right? ive always read that, for black and white women actually.

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  • GatorGirl

    GatorGirl October 18, 2013, 2:50 pm

    The food article cracked me up. Until I got to PA. Cheesesteaks are f-ing delicious and scrapple creeps me out.

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    • avatar

      bethany October 18, 2013, 3:01 pm

      I’m so hungry now.

      Where’s your favorite cheesesteak from? I haven’t had a really good one in a while. I’m partial to D’alessandro’s in Roxborough, though.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl October 18, 2013, 3:08 pm

        I haven’t had many in like Philly proper, but my go to out in Kennett where my family is Giordano’s. Man I want one now. With fried onions, pickles and ketchup. YUM.

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    • avatar

      rachel October 18, 2013, 3:11 pm

      Haha, I thought it was funny, because it’s true that most of the state is more the scrapple type than the cheese steak type.

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    • CatsMeow

      CatsMeow October 18, 2013, 3:16 pm

      “But the cheesesteak mer m’mer Phiwwy cheesesteak mer! Shut it.”

      Haha, sorry. That was funny.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl October 18, 2013, 3:41 pm

        Maybe I’m so sensitive because I would kill for a good cheesesteak. These damn “steak and cheese sandwiches” down here are shit. I want a hoagie!

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    • avatar

      Christy October 18, 2013, 3:17 pm

      Wrong. Scrapple is the best. How can you NOT like your meat crunchy on the outside and soft on the inside?

      (That’s what she said, lol.)

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl October 18, 2013, 3:36 pm

        But it’s like meat PARTS not meat. I don’t like eating things that a- look like a brick, b- are pale grey (WTF?) and c- I can’t tell what is in it. barf.

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    • Paki

      Paki October 18, 2013, 4:09 pm

      the food one is so wrong for Kansas – We are known for hamburger casserole? Serioulsy? I don’t even know what that would be. Kansas is known for BBQ and Steak.

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  • mylaray

    mylaray October 18, 2013, 3:11 pm

    I went to a really small college, like 2000 people, so when we wanted to party, we went to a nearby college. The dean of my school refused to have Greek Life as long as he would be there, which I’m happy about now. The college my friends and I ended up partying at was a tech school and pretty nerdy, but even the frat and sorority parties were way out of control. I don’t even know what it’s like at a big university. But looking at all the frat parties I went to and all the horrible, messed up shit I saw, I wish Greek life would not be allowed at any school. I think they certainly have benefits, but it seems the negatives far outweigh the positives. It just seems like time after time, frat guys can prey on drunk, college girls and the guys are always protected. Everybody knows about the things that go on at various frats, yet no one in authority does anything about it. I’m not saying frats are the only problem with sexual assaults, but I think it’s a huge portion of it, plus the mentality of letting them getting away with it needs to stop.

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    • iwannatalktosampson

      iwannatalktosampson October 18, 2013, 3:14 pm

      Oh man but they’re so fun! How many times in your life do you get to make out in bubbles from a foam party that is floor to ceiling and do adult slip and slides indoors? You can’t put a price on that.

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    • katie

      katie October 18, 2013, 3:17 pm

      i agree. between the outrageous parties, the hazing, the culture of bro’s and everything- get rid of em.

      my college was also small, and we had one, i think, but it was the honors one. and i dont think they even had a house or whatever that you could live in.

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      • Northern Mermaid

        Northern Mermaid October 18, 2013, 3:35 pm

        Aw. I was in a sorority. At the University of Tennessee. Big Awful State School With Giant Greek System and guess what, no hazing, you ALWAYS had someone to go out with (so you know, you never had to walk home alone, or go to the bathroom alone), when my grades slipped I had a whole group of people riding my butt to pull them back up, and by sophomore year we’d made friends with men in fraternities that weren’t douchey. I was WAY more involved on campus than I would have been without the greek system. I don’t know—I think it varies chapter to chapter and school to school, but I had a GREAT bunch of women and an environment that made it easy for me to find a place in a giant school all the way across the country from home.

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      • avatar

        Jessi October 18, 2013, 6:11 pm

        Sorry, but, no, there isn’t “no hazing” in your precious Greek system. http://www.cnn.com/2012/09/25/us/tennessee-fraternity-suspended/ sororities seem in general less harmful than frats, but Greek system is Greek system.

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark October 18, 2013, 8:17 pm

        I was in a frat at U of A in the 1990s and nobody was hazed. Hell, I was disappointed as so much hazing is so homoerotic… But I didn ‘t get that itch scratched until my frat boy friend and I role played…

        Honestly? I don’t how an article telling young women NOT to get falling down drunk is even remotely comtroversial… If you are THAT much of an alcoholic at 18 — getting raped is the least of your problems…

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      • Northern Mermaid

        Northern Mermaid October 18, 2013, 8:26 pm

        Ok. Let me re-phrase. In the specific chapter that I was in–for four years all I found was a supportive group of women who had my back when bad things happened to me and gave me a place to belong. Like any club the Greek system is made up of the people who are in the club. That’s really what the Greek system is. A club. There are bad parts and good parts to any club, and the bad parts of the greek system are REALLY bad—but they are fixable—like by being suspended and having their charters revoked.

        Sorry to offend you.

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    • GatorGirl

      GatorGirl October 18, 2013, 3:39 pm

      I went to a SUPER small religious based college and we didn’t have Greek life, but our sports teams filled the void to a degree. We had house parties, the sports teams hazed each other to a degree, but it was still pretty tame. Seeing the sorority girls (and frat bros- gag) here at UF, I never would have graduated had I gone to a school of this caliber.

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  • avatar

    Liquid Luck October 18, 2013, 3:27 pm

    I haven’t read all of the comments, so I may be repeating someone. But I don’t even care, because this is something that should be repeated over and over.

    The problem I have with the binge drinking article is that it specifically targets women. It tells women not to drink because they’re susceptible, when it should be a warning to ALL people that binge drinking is dangerous. It talks about women being prime targets for rape after binge drinking, but what about all the men that are also susceptible to rape when they’re intoxicated? What if we took rape out of the equation at all, and just told people (men AND women) that binge drinking can be dangerous, and that, while you have the right to drink and make that choice about what you ingest, that lowering your guard that way can affect your ability to make safe choices. If you want to focus on colleges, we should focus on the entire demographic, not just half of it. There is no reason AT ALL that this needs to be a gendered message.

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    • avatar

      spark October 19, 2013, 10:51 am

      Sorry, but rape disproportionally affects women. Male rape exists, and should be discussed, but it’s silly to pretend that women aren’t the ones being screwed (so to speak) by the binge-drinking-and-sexual-assault culture.

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      • avatar

        Liquid Luck October 19, 2013, 12:45 pm

        I think it’s “silly” to ignore male rape victims because it happens to women more. I also think that focusing on female victims reinforces the stereotype that men can’t be raped by women, and that’s incredibly dangerous. As a society, I don’t believe we can actually say that men are not heavily affected by rape the way women are, because it’s even rarer for men to report rapes than it is for women, and by now we should all know that that rate of unreported rapes is ridiculously high, especially when compared with other violent crimes. True, I still don’t think the number of male victims would be as high as women (especially if we look globally), but I think that if we actually lived in a world where men felt comfortable coming forward, or even were told what happened to then DOES fall into the category or rape as much as women are, the discrepancy between the numbers would be a lot smaller than people want to believe.

        Bottom line, I think it’s unnecessary and harmful to the overall discussion to continually separate victims based on gender.

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  • sobriquet

    sobriquet October 18, 2013, 3:50 pm

    Give me a party full of sober women and drunk-ass males and tell me the problem would magically be fixed.

    I mean, no one is going to argue that binge drinking is a problem. It’s awful for your health and it hinders your cognitive ability in the moment. College students know this. But the moment it’s okay and sound advice to tell women to stop getting drunk in order to avoid sexual assault is the moment it becomes okay to tell women to stop looking sexy, and to stop flirting with guys and to never let their good guy friends walk them home (that’s how I was sexually assaulted). Hell, stop going to parties and bars altogether! After all, you’re just placing yourself in a position to get assaulted. It’s on you now.

    That’s why the argument that women should just stop getting drunk! makes my blood boil. It’s not like women are getting wasted and just begging for men to assault them, after all. It’s typically the men making terrible choices in these situations. (Not to belittle the female-on-male rapes that happen all the time.)

    Telling college students not to binge drink solves absolutely nothing. Only telling WOMEN to stop binge drinking reeks of misogyny.

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  • avatar

    TheRedhead October 18, 2013, 3:53 pm

    I totally agree with the Prudy’s article. The real problem though is everyone’s afraid to say binge drinking is bad and to stop doing it. I have no idea why, it’s a stupid behavior for anyone.

    Telling rapists not to rape is not going to work, for all you people saying “Well, men need to be told not to rape, don’t make it all about women etc”. Otherwise our prisons would all be empty. I mean, they KNOW it’s wrong, people. But they are still going to do it, just like the murderer is still going to murder, the robber is still going to rob etc. We can only do something about them once the act is committed, unfortunately, but it’s the only just way really. And more than likely any criminal will choose easy prey- like a rapist choosing a heavily intoxicated woman that can’t take care of herself. So will not getting drunk mean you won’t get raped? Of course not, but for that time you make yourself safe from that kind of predator. And that’s all anyone can ask for- to make yourself safe for atleast this given moment.

    Women, we are more vulnerable already, let’s take care of ourselves. Yes men get raped too and I would tell them the same thing about the binge drinking or anything that makes you easy prey. But I believe the article, and most people who have this same advice, target the majority, not the minority. Women have to deal with crap like being raped etc more than anyone else, so they try to help the majority.

    Being told how to avoid danger is nothing new and should be praised, not condemned. I see no difference in telling women to be coherent and aware of your surroundings (is this something us humans really need to be told? Kind of ridiculous) and telling anyone not to leave your doors unlocked at night. Don’t be at someones mercy and be defenseless.

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    • avatar

      HmC October 18, 2013, 4:06 pm

      “Telling rapists not to rape is not going to work, for all you people saying “Well, men need to be told not to rape, don’t make it all about women etc”. Otherwise our prisons would all be empty. I mean, they KNOW it’s wrong, people. But they are still going to do it, just like the murderer is still going to murder, the robber is still going to rob etc. ”

      Certainly that is true with some rapists, but I think you are failing to acknowledge the many many MANY cases of sexual assault where the men do NOT think they are doing anything wrong. They may think what they’re doing is a prank, or they may think that a drunken consent is sufficient consent. It isn’t. We live in a patriarchy that fails to educate young men on the true nature of consent and that is a problem.

      Jezebel covered these topics pretty well:

      http://jezebel.com/how-to-write-about-rape-prevention-without-sounding-lik-1446529386

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      • avatar

        SasLinna October 18, 2013, 4:16 pm

        Also, if rapists are just going to rape, no matter what, like Redhead argued, then if one woman is able to escape it’s just going to be another woman who will be raped. Either rapists just rape and the numbers of rape can’t be influenced, or the numbers CAN be influenced, which implies that rapists can learn. You can’t have it both ways.

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      • avatar

        HmC October 18, 2013, 4:18 pm

        SasLinna you are failing to acknowledge the one true solution- titanium chastity belts! That will really solve the whole problem of rape. Husbands can have the key of course.

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      • avatar

        Liquid Luck October 18, 2013, 4:36 pm

        Yeah, because husbands totally can’t rape!

        Seriously guys, stop trying to use logic. Ladies just can’t understand it, so it’s best if they just have other people tell them what to do. Really, it’s for the best.

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      • avatar

        TheRedhead October 18, 2013, 4:24 pm

        SasLinna-

        I happen to be of the school of thought that sexual offenders cannot be taught, and probably should just be rocketed off into space.

        The numbers can be influenced. But only by educating people on how not to be a victim. Which is what we do for everything from identity theft to kidnapping of children. We tell people ways to avoid being in that particular danger.

        If the guy likes to prey on drunk women who can’t take care of themselves, and there isn’t any around (in a perfect world, say) then what is he going to do? It atleast won’t be so easy for him and maybe he will make a mistake and get caught.

        Look in a perfect world, anyone could do anything and no one would hurt them. But that’s not this world. Just because you *should* be able to get drunk and not have to worry about rape, doesn’t mean that that’s reality.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle October 18, 2013, 4:38 pm

        I see you’re doing that whole “reality check” angle thing, but it’s you (& others who share your mindset) who aren’t quite rooted in reality. You cannot—we cannot— always separate humankind into “rapist” & “not rapist” categories. There are billions of shades of gray, which is why promoting education about consent (aka “teach men not to rape”) is important.

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      • avatar

        HmC October 18, 2013, 4:38 pm

        “The numbers can be influenced. But only by educating people on how not to be a victim. Which is what we do for everything from identity theft to kidnapping of children. We tell people ways to avoid being in that particular danger. ”

        I’m not sure where to start because this statement seems so simply untrue and illogical I’m not sure how you’re missing the counter-argument? Human behavior is sometimes determined the moment we are born, but the vast majority of the time our upbringing and culture make all the difference. It’s no coincidence that people with more difficult backgrounds are more likely to commit a crime. Men who are raised not to respect the idea of sober consent are more likely to commit date rape. Most rapists aren’t boogey men jumping out of a bush, they are friends and dates who take things too far because we live in a culture with blurry lines around the idea of consent. Yes we should educate women (and men!) on the dangers of binge drinking, but saying the only way to change the numbers is to teach people “how to not be a victim” is patently false. We can raise MOST people to be good people, men and women.

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      • avatar

        SasLinna October 18, 2013, 4:40 pm

        The idea that we could all behave in ways so that there would just be “no one around” for a rapist to rape anymore sounds pretty absurd to me. That’s not reality either.
        Plus, if the numbers can be influenced (I think they can, to a degree) one influential factor is how easy we make it for rapists to get away with rape. By placing any part of the responsibility with the victims, we actually make it easier to get away with rape. More potential rapists feel they can get away with it as long as we’re ready to blame victims even a little bit. The more acceptable it is for women to drink, the less it will serve as an excuse for rapists.

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    • iwannatalktosampson

      iwannatalktosampson October 18, 2013, 4:08 pm

      Wow. Something totally new. I find your opinion so refreshing! You make such great points. Women, take notes.

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      • avatar

        HmC October 18, 2013, 4:14 pm

        iwanna I have a girl crush on you, sorry I’m not sorry

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      • katie

        katie October 18, 2013, 7:14 pm

        none of us are sorry….

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    • avatar

      Liquid Luck October 18, 2013, 4:48 pm

      ” I mean, they KNOW it’s wrong, people. But they are still going to do it, just like the murderer is still going to murder, the robber is still going to rob etc. We can only do something about them once the act is committed, unfortunately, but it’s the only just way really. And more than likely any criminal will choose easy prey- like a rapist choosing a heavily intoxicated woman that can’t take care of herself. So will not getting drunk mean you won’t get raped? Of course not, but for that time you make yourself safe from that kind of predator.”

      This part of your premise is severely flawed. Yes, there are some rapists, murderers, robbers, etc. who will commit those crimes no matter what, and the target doesn’t matter. But there are also criminals on the other end of the spectrum. In this case, there are many rapists who don’t realize their victims are too drunk to consent, or they are unaware that their victim is not resisting only out of fear and they take that as implicit consent, or the partners who think that it’s not even possible to rape your own spouse. These are the ones that can b educated, can be taught that what they thought passed for consent actually doesn’t, and they can change their attitudes and the resulting behaviors.

      “Yes men get raped too and I would tell them the same thing about the binge drinking or anything that makes you easy prey. ”

      This sentence is both confusing and contradictory to the rest of your comment. Either you actually believe that men being victims is a serious problem, in which case you should also be wondering why the article was targeting women alone, or you’re just adding it in to sound like you’re not completely ignorant and you don’t really believe that men can be vicitms, which is why your entire comment supports the idea that women are the ones who this issue needs to address. I agree with the idea of warning PEOPLE about the dangers of binge drinking (though it certainly shouldn’t be limited to a context of preventing rape), yet you say you “totally agree” with an article that singles out women as the ones who need to control their actions. So which is it?

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    • avatar

      spark October 19, 2013, 11:00 am

      Very well said, Redhead!

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  • avatar

    SasLinna October 18, 2013, 4:10 pm

    Actually having thought about it some more here’s a more optimistic take on the Yoffe article and the reactions to it. It seems like there has been a bit of a cultural shift where overt victim blaming has become less acceptable, so that even someone like Yoffe has to at least add a “I’m not victim blaming, but” disclaimer to her article. And she mentions that those who use the more subtle victim blaming arguments (like telling women not to binge drink) now increasingly feel uncomfortable because they get some push back from others when they do so. I’m really happy to hear that.

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  • SixtyFour

    SixtyFour October 18, 2013, 4:37 pm

    I have trouble navigating in my head my thoughts on alcohol and consent. Like I know that when someone is drunk they are incapable of giving consent and therefore it is rape. People will take advantage of others when they are drunk. But ya know, there have been many times where I was drunk and hooked up with a guy and it wasn’t rape because I wanted to be having sex with him. I feel like we should be taking the focus off of alcohol and moving it towards enthusiastic consent. Give the power back to the women to say that yes! I want to sleep with you and that doesn’t make me a slut! Or no, get your hands off me and actually have the guy listen.

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    • SixtyFour

      SixtyFour October 18, 2013, 4:42 pm

      And also as a lot of people have said above, there’s a lot to be said that being drunk and being raped – that they are correlated and that one doesn’t necessarily cause the other.
      I was assaulted once and we were both completely sober. I had gone a date with a guy and we spent the night at his place. Nothing happened beyond kissing the night before. I woke up to him touching me and it made me very uncomfortable and I told him to stop. He didn’t listen. I told him again. He told me to just go with it. I told him again – this time angrier. Then he told me I was being a bitch and why couldn’t I just calm down? Then I started crying and he told me I was being emotional. Then he went off on a tirade about he would protect me and no one would ever make me cry again. Then I ran out of his house because he was seriously scaring me. He tried to contact me many times after that and I ignored him.

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  • avatar

    Sue Jones October 20, 2013, 6:25 pm

    To me it is an example of putting oneself at risk. For me, walking down a dark alley alone at night in a sketchy neighborhood next to a van is putting myself at risk for a mugging or worse. Same with getting shit faced drunk. A woman who does that is putting herself at risk for lots of things. Not to blame the victim here. But…

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