Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Friday Links

Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

Turning to Baby Registries to Subsidize Parental Leave

Men are FOUR times more likely than women to want sex on the first date

“Honest Wedding Vows for Real Marriages”

Team Trump Is On A Bizarre Mission To Convince You They Value Women

Pence casts tie-breaking vote to advance bill that would let states withhold federal funds from Planned Parenthood

Be careful out there: Nobody know how dangerous online dating really is—and dating sites won’t talk about it

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to [email protected] and if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

32 comments… add one
  • avatar

    MissDre March 31, 2017, 9:23 am

    Re: Men are FOUR times more likely than women to want sex on the first date

    I knew a guy who told me that if a girl didn’t sleep with him on the first date, he would never call her again. I mean, he’s certainly allowed to want what he wants but… it kinda made me not want to be friends with him anymore.

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      RedRoverRedRover March 31, 2017, 5:33 pm

      Yeah. That’s just gross.

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  • Copa

    Copa March 31, 2017, 11:19 am

    So, I only had the time to skim the article about the dangers of online dating, but it reminded me of a local story about a woman who was assaulted after a first date from OKCupid. Turns out, it wasn’t his first offense. I know we’re not supposed to blame the victim, and certainly nobody deserves to be assaulted even if they don’t use the best judgment, but good grief, was she a dummy. The guy creeped her out so bad, I believe she cut the date short and said she was going to meet some friends. He offered her a ride home, which she willingly took. He drove her to his place instead. She also admitted to willingly going into his place, where he then assaulted her. It was such an exasperating read, because c’mon, use better judgment!

    I guess I don’t believe that online dating is inherently more dangerous than meeting someone at a bar if you are cautious (meeting in a public setting! Internet stalk your date!) and use good judgment (do not get into a car with someone who frightens you into cutting the date short).

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    • avatar

      Kate March 31, 2017, 1:41 pm

      I agree, it’s not more dangerous than any other way of meeting people, I think kids are just getting dumber. Pick a user name that won’t let people know who you are if they google it (i.e. Not the name of your blog, stupid), dont use pics youve posted elsewhere online, don’t tell them your last name until at least the first date, meet in a public place, don’t give them your number until the day of the date, let someone know where you’re going and with whom, and then if you go home with a guy you know nothing about, god help you, but it’s the same as if you met him anywhere else.

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    • avatar

      dinoceros March 31, 2017, 3:26 pm

      Yeah, if you’re creeped out by someone enough to want to end the date early, it’s best to avoid being alone with them unnecessarily.

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    • Copa

      Copa March 31, 2017, 3:46 pm

      I was curious, so I found the link: https://www.dnainfo.com/chicago/20161118/wrigleyville/okcupid-rape-sexual-assault-robert-walters

      I didn’t get the details quite right, but some of it is more exasperating than I remember. She was worried he’d follow her home, so she got in the car with him — even after he’d made inappropriate comments and touched her inappropriate. WHY.

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      • avatar

        Kategreen March 31, 2017, 10:50 pm

        Probably because she was drunk and even though she felt uncomfortable, it might have been a different level of discomfort than “this is a potential rapist.” Or maybe it was that level and she tried to do what she saw as making sense at the time.

        There is definitely value in talking about how women can do what they can to avoid awful situations like this, but I have to say, your comment is reprehensible. “I know where not supposed to blame the victim.. but what a dummy.” I sincerely hope you continue to be so lucky as to not have anything awful happen to you the next time you exercise poor judgment or let your guard down for just a second. Because we ALL make bad decisions (especially in hindsight), and the only difference for this woman is that she was unlucky enough to have been on a date with a RAPIST that night.

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  • avatar

    ktfran March 31, 2017, 12:41 pm

    Adorable picture Wendy. And I really like the honest wedding vows. Maybe the fiance and I will pull a few of those lines for our what is hopefully a 10 minute ceremony.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy March 31, 2017, 2:32 pm

      Oh, that’s not me — just another redhead lady with a toddler girl 😉

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      • avatar

        ktfran March 31, 2017, 4:06 pm

        Seriously? I really thought it was you so I had to go back and look harder. Damn.

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  • avatar

    haggith March 31, 2017, 3:14 pm

    Oh, the vows….

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  • avatar

    Ron March 31, 2017, 4:11 pm

    Here is an interesting column from the NYT on surveys of millennials on sexual equality and the effect of affordable quality childcare and family leave on attitudes. Also note the relatively low support for HRC among male millennials.

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  • avatar

    Ron March 31, 2017, 4:53 pm

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    • avatar

      RedRoverRedRover March 31, 2017, 5:32 pm

      Well that’s fucking depressing.

      Also, love that there are men who are upset that the gains made by women come at the expense of men. Like, yeah, where did you think they would come from? You think we’re going to have equality but you still get a bunch of extra privileges for being a man? That’s literally impossible.

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      • avatar

        Kate March 31, 2017, 5:58 pm

        Ugh, I’ve been sensing for a while that we’re moving backward, and “feminism” has become this reviled term. The article makes sense though… in the US in the past generation, it’s gotten so much harder for women to be able to succeed at what used to be called “having it all,” or basically just being a working mom. My mom could do it in the 80s because child care was affordable, cell phones and laptops didn’t exist, she had an administrative assistant (!), and working hours were reasonable. And, most importantly, my dad shared the load equally with her. At no point did she do more around the house, or with the kids, than he did. And when we got a little older, we didn’t require supervision after school. We would walk home in a group of kids and then just do whatever, with friends or on our own. You can’t do that now.

        Even WITH all those favorable conditions, she was frequently frustrated at the sexism she encountered at work, and the stress of raising a special needs kid and then an asshole teenage girl would get to her.

        So yeah, I can see why kids who are the offspring of my generation are like, fuck this. Conditions today are such that working moms find it so much more difficult to be an employee and a mom, and most dads aren’t doing as much as moms do around the home. Moms are carrying a heavier load, and it doesn’t work out so great. There’s so much pressure now that didn’t exist 30, 35 years ago. Kids can’t be left to their own devices. You’re supposed to be supermom in addition to being a star at work. It’s bullshit! Like the author says, the answer is not to go back to male-breadwinner households, but I guess I can see why kids would think that. And the government is taking us back to the 50s instead of getting progressive with policies that would make dual-income families be able to make it work.

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      • avatar

        RedRoverRedRover March 31, 2017, 6:50 pm

        I agree with everything you said, and I can definitely see why women might just choose to opt out of a career because it’s going to be so hard. But that doesn’t really explain it for MEN. Like you said, a lot of women are still picking up the bulk of the unpaid work. Their men are doing a little more than what used to be expected, and what, that’s too much? They need a full-on housewife so they can do absolutely fuck-all at home? That’s infuriating.

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      • avatar

        Kate March 31, 2017, 7:04 pm

        I think it does make sense for men, because they see their moms struggling, they see their dads not doing as much (which seems normal), and they draw the conclusion that things would be better if moms stayed home. Also, they probably sense men’s dominance waning, and think they can get their power back by being the primary breadwinner.

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      • avatar

        RedRoverRedRover March 31, 2017, 7:39 pm

        Gen X saw their moms struggling, and said “why doesn’t dad step up?”. And then stepped up to a greater extent for their own wives. I think you hit the nail on the head with your second point – it’s more about the loss of powet. Same reason so many men (and whites) went for Trump.

        I also think the rise of. The internet has a lot to do with it. All these angry men whipping each other up onto a frenzy. Do you think it would be as bad without the “manosphere”? Ugh.

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    • bittergaymark

      Bittergaymark March 31, 2017, 7:22 pm

      Eh, it is more likely they had working mom’s and fucked up childhoods in lousy daycare… think about it.

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      • avatar

        Kate March 31, 2017, 8:48 pm

        That’s what I said…

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom April 1, 2017, 1:32 pm

        I’ve seen some truly awful daycare and I have to agree. Kids who have been warehoused in a facility where they are basically immobile for 8 to 10 hours per day and given nothing to do don’t turn out well. One thing I’ve seen in the daycare centers in our area is that the toys don’t come off the shelf. They are there but if you watch not one child touches them. If the toys were played with by toddlers they would need to be cleaned before another child touched them and the employees don’t want to do that and so the toys are there for the parents to see but never to be used. Small children lay in cribs all day with nothing to stimulate their mind and children who are a little older mill around in a crowd but have nothing to do. When they hit preschool age they are in a class that has no free time to explore their own interests. Every moment of the day is structured. The kids sit in a row and listen to the teacher and don’t interact with each other. Again, no free time to explore their own interests. At the “high quality” daycare in our community the school age kids aren’t allowed to get within an arms length of each other. It’s horrible and depressing to see. I think if the parents use childcare they receive better childcare if they hire someone to watch their child in their home or take their child to someone who watches a small group of children in their own home.

        The local daycare centers pay minimum wage and the staff turnover is constant. Most employees don’t stay more than a few months. The hours are bad because the employees have to be there earlier than parents who go to work early and someone has to be there late. Any one employee isn’t there for the entire time but they either have to be there at 6 am or work late or work a split shift where they are there from 6 to 9 for school age kids before school and then from 3:30 to 6:30 in the afternoon to take care of the same kids after school. The split shift hours make it difficult to work a second job unless they can find a job working as a waitress over lunch. None of it pays any benefits. For all of that the cost is extremely high.

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    • avatar

      dinoceros April 1, 2017, 7:52 am

      I think something interesting is that when they are surveying high school seniors, teens today generally are more on the child side than the adult side as they were in the past. As in, the college students I work with think I’m supposed to do everything for them and don’t know how to use Google, etc. This is more so the case with the male students. When we talk about millennials, the older millennials DID have the busy working moms, but these (at least the upper-middle class white) 18-year-olds have the moms who do everything for their kids to the point that the kids are nearly inept. So, I think that for them, it’s more a case of being babied and wanting someone else to keep babying them as they grow up.

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      • avatar

        MissDre April 1, 2017, 8:41 am

        Omg teens these days ARE nearly inept. I know a 16 year old boy who can’t even pack his own lunch or his own change of clothes.

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      • avatar

        Kate April 1, 2017, 11:15 am

        Yeah, I sat next to a chatty guy on a plane the other day, and he said his wife is a college guidance counselor. When I was in college, I’d talk to my advisor, right, who was a professor? I don’t remember guidance counselors… but yeah, he said these kids have NO idea what they’re doing. They don’t know how to do the basics of everyday life, like book appointments, figure out what classes they should take, anything. And often when they get a grade on a test that they don’t like, “mommy” calls the school to pressure the professor to change the grade. And if it’s a parent who gives money to the college, they often get their way. If you grew up with mommy doing everything for you, and you just text and Snapchat and tweet, of course you don’t know how to communicate and you’d think moms need to stay home and take care of you. NEWSFLASH, you’re fine going to daycare, even “crappy daycare” and learning how to fucking associate with other people and do things besides play with an iPad or phone. It’s good for you.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom April 1, 2017, 12:14 pm

        This is like everything else, it depends on the family and the kid. I work with someone who controls everything she can about her kids. When her son went on a school trip to Washington D.C. she insisted on packing his bag for him. When my daughter went on a school trip to Washington D.C. she packed her own bag and I didn’t double check it. Both kids were 8th graders when they went on these trips. It tends to be the mom dominates the kid to insure the kid makes no mistakes. If my daughter forgot something I assume she’d learn from the mistake. The co-worker acts like if her son forgot something his entire trip would be ruined. Last year before we went to Europe the same co-worker couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t frazzled because she assumed I was packing for all three of us who were going on the trip and she didn’t see how I had time to go to work and be calm. She was packing for her family of four to go on vacation and she packed for all four of them even though the kids are teens, they were 14 and 17 last year. I explained that I was only packing for myself and that my husband and daughter would pack their own bags and that if they put their clothes into the laundry I would wash their dirty clothes so that they would be ready to pack but if they didn’t they would need to do their laundry and then pack their bags. It is a matter of family culture.

        My daughter is now a sophomore in high school and she is researching colleges. She’s doing this on her own. The program she wants to get into only accepts 13% of applicants and she is figuring out what they want so that she can be in that 13%. When it is time to visit the school next year we’ll take her but I expect her to keep track of the application dates and to do the application herself except for the financial forms that the parents are required to do. I expect my kids to be fairly independent.

        The same co-worker requires her sons to text her as soon as they get home from school even though the oldest is now 18. I have never required my daughter to text me. I assume she can walk from the school bus to the house and let herself in.

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      • avatar

        dinoceros April 2, 2017, 10:54 am

        It depends on the family and the kid, but there’s a very large number of families and kids that fit this category. I’m not assuming it’s every kid. I definitely have students who are on top of things, but it’s a disturbing trend. I have students who come in every single week and ask me questions that Google knows more about than I do, and then others come in with a four-year plan they’ve made of every class they want to take. Just not enough of those students.

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    • TheLadyE

      TheLadyE April 1, 2017, 2:42 pm

      I actually see quite a bit of difference between myself and my younger sister in terms of independence. I was born in the early 80s and she was born in 1990, so we’re both technically Millennials, and we grew up in the same household, but our level of independence is totally different. I always just figured shit out, from the time I was about 16 when I got my first job. I picked out my college, I went to college, I figured out the classes I needed for my double major and how I could work out how to graduate on time while also spending a year abroad. I was the first person in my family to get a cell phone and I researched plans, picked it out, and paid for it myself. I moved out of our parents’ house after I finished my graduate degree and figured everything out, like bills, taxes, insurance, all the grown up shit.

      My sister, on the other hand, was asking my mom to proofread her college papers. She’s always been on our parents’ cell phone plan and had her car insurance wrapped up with theirs. She goes to my parents (or to guys she’s casually dating, who tend to be closer to my age – don’t even get me started on that one) for help with absolutely everything – things I would never, ever think to consult some guy I barely knew about, like which health insurance plan I should pick. She has an extremely difficult time making decisions and it takes forever. I think some of that may have to do with her personality, but it’s honestly like she can’t do anything on her own and it exasperates me and my mom sometimes.

      It’s weird, because we grew up in the same household, just 7 years apart.

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      • Portia

        Portia April 2, 2017, 3:17 pm

        It’s funny because I see that trend a bit for me and my sister (I was born in the mid-80s, my sister early 90s). But for my husband, I think his older sister (Gen X) was less aware of the practicalities of living on her own than he was. I mean, our sisters have figured things out for the most part, but the process seemed to take a bit longer for both our sisters even though I’ve was older and one younger and both have asked for our advice/help rather than the other way around. I think there can be a lot of variables that go onto this, though.

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph April 3, 2017, 4:04 pm

        Yes, my brother is 6 years younger than me (mid 80s to early 90s) and there’s a similar dynamic. When he was younger, he would always come home from school with some tale about some teacher who wronged him or an unfair grade and my mom was always calling his teachers to argue about stuff for him. My sister and I were always ridiculing them both for it. I always assumed it was because he was the youngest and she was babying him, but maybe it is a result of a change in attitudes and more helicoptering in general.
        My brother bought a car recently and was constantly calling my parents for advice. I bought a car a few years ago and basically texted them “here’s a pic of my new car” and that’s about it.

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  • avatar

    Ron April 1, 2017, 1:34 pm

    The NYT is on a role. Here’s another infuriating opinion piece by a conservative ‘feminist’ lawyer for R politicians. It seems the Times never allows reader comments when they post an obnoxious opinion piece or editorial.

    https://www.nytimes.com/2017/03/31/us/no-room-for-dissent-in-womens-movement-today.html?ref=opinion

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    • Portia

      Portia April 2, 2017, 3:23 pm

      The fuck? “The women’s movement in the 70’s was complex and multifaceted, but now that I’m staunchly pro-life, the modern women’s movement is all about baby killing. Oh, and we got everything we wanted (even if the Equal Rights Amendment that I was fighting for never passed), so no need for feminism these days. And, the pink hats look stupid.”

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  • avatar

    Ron April 1, 2017, 1:34 pm

    I give up. Roll not role.

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