Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Friday Links

Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

“Silly Things People Have Said to Me When I Tell Them I’m Not Having Kids” [via HuffPo]

“27 Reasons Why Kids Are Actually The Worst” [via Buzzfeed]

“The nine smartest marriage tips ever” [via Salon]

“Now, a Kiss Isn’t Just a Kiss” [via NYTimes]

“An Anti-Rape Campaign That Shames the Perpetrator, Not the Victim” [via Take Part]

“Marijuana and the Modern Lady:
What it means that more women are defending pot as a natural form of relaxation”
[via The Atlantic]

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to wendy@dearwendy.com and if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

51 comments… add one
  • GatorGirl

    GatorGirl November 1, 2013, 1:47 pm

    So, in the kids are asshole one…I feel like the parents in #1 and #3 where not making the most responsible decisions. The little girl in the dresser, well a- tipping hassard! b- her leg is stuck, I’m assuming it’s painful…why stop and take a picture?? And #3 those scissors!! Ah! Giving the parents the benefit of the doubt that she like, opened a drawer and stole the scissors…I wouldn’t have taken a picture, I would have grabbed the scissors!

    I know I’ll get shit for saying this, but it just looks so dangerous! Pictures should be the last thing their mind!

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    • iwannatalktosampson

      iwannatalktosampson November 1, 2013, 1:56 pm

      Yeah but kids are ridiculous and you have to stop and make fun of them sometimes. And I swear their bones are made of silly string. I would rather make fun of them first, and then worry about how they did that to themselves second. And you’ll know if they’re in pain. They’ll be screaming. Those kids were not. So it’s funny.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl November 1, 2013, 1:59 pm

        The little girl with the scissors was screaming! I know you have to stop and make fun of them sometimes- I thought the rest of the pictures where pretty fun. Those two just seemed particularly dangerous and that worry’s me. Dressers tipping over on a child is one of my biggest/worst child rearing fears.

        The rest where hysterical. The girl with ice cream up her nose? Too funny. All the face plants? Hysterical.

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    • avatar

      AliceInDairyland November 1, 2013, 1:57 pm

      You never cut your own hair as a kid? I thought everyone tried that at least once…

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh November 1, 2013, 1:59 pm

        I gave my sister bangs because she kept asking for them 😉 My mom still doesn’t know how or where I got the scissors. And at this point I don’t remember! 🙂

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl November 1, 2013, 2:01 pm

        No, I did, and that is funny. But those scissors where intense. I would have ripped them out their hand in 2 seconds…not stopped and took a picture with the kid swinging scissors around.

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      • avatar

        AliceInDairyland November 1, 2013, 2:05 pm

        I guess she looked like she was old enough to responsibly wield scissors (minus the hair thing) and was just crying because she realized she lost half her hair. 🙂

        I was more worried about that mega slide propped up on hay bales without really any sides. That seemed concerning to me

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl November 1, 2013, 2:10 pm

        Oh yeah, that one was scary too. I guess the scissor thing massively is dependent on the child, but my gut reaction was just so “ahhh big pointy scissors! Little kid! Take them!” Dramatic yes, but that’s where I went.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle November 1, 2013, 2:14 pm

        The markered up baby was the only one that bothered me, weirdly.

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      • Imsostartled

        Imsostartled November 1, 2013, 3:07 pm

        Yeah, at that age I was using adult scissors. Even the little one’s are enough to chop your hair off… I think I was 4 and I gave myself these awful bangs. It’s pretty hilarious when I see pictures from that time-frame.

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray November 1, 2013, 3:10 pm

        I still cut my own hair a lot. And friends’ hair. When they are drunk enough to let me.

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      • avatar

        Banana November 1, 2013, 3:55 pm

        ^ this

        I started doing it in college because I was too broke for the salon and I just wanted a blunt bob-length cut anyway.

        Afterwards, though, I just did it because it feels so good. It’s like I HAVE THE POWER OVER MY HAIR! though for my most recent pixie cut, I went to the pros.

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    • something random

      something random November 1, 2013, 3:18 pm

      I thought most of these were hilarious. But I’m not sure I would have interpreted a door falling off the hinges onto a kid’s head as the funniest thing in the world. The only one that really made me cringe was the bathtub one. Little kids seriously drowned all the time. And the ones that drown most often are the ones who feel like they can swim and parents aren’t as cautious. Shudder.
      The scissor one didn’t bother me too much because I feel like it was probably a lesson learned and kids seriously need to work on fine motor skills like cutting by the time they are four or five. The toilet one was pretty funny but I wouldn’t have stopped to take a pic. That’s gonna push training back months.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl November 1, 2013, 3:20 pm

        Safety scissors!! You can totally hone fine motor skills with out giving kids massive sewing shears.

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      • something random

        something random November 1, 2013, 4:42 pm

        true

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  • mylaray

    mylaray November 1, 2013, 2:03 pm

    I really liked the marriage tips, especially the one about trying to find the soft emotion. I love that idea. That’s something I try to do with people, especially my fiancé, and I do like the name for it.

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle November 1, 2013, 2:15 pm

      That one was my favorite, too (the soft emotion one)

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  • avatar

    ChemE November 1, 2013, 2:27 pm

    I liked the “Silly Things People Have Said to Me When I Tell Them I’m Not Having Kids” article. I’ve not personally heard those things since we haven’t been shouting “no kids!” from the rooftops, but I loved the responses. I would feel the same way.

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    • othy

      othy November 1, 2013, 3:44 pm

      I’ve heard all of them except the ‘but your body is capable’. The “what will you do when you are old” is the one that irks me the most, because I’m working hard to save up for a comfortable retirement, and I hope that I can afford to hire people to help me with things (that I wouldn’t want my non-existent kids burdened with anyway).

      One that they should have had on the list, that I’ve gotten before “Well, that’s selfish of you”. I’ve gotten that one a lot.

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      • avatar

        LT November 1, 2013, 4:57 pm

        Man, the selfish one. I’m a person who really, really wants a kid. You know why? Deep down inside, I’m so self-centered that I think any kid I make will make the world a better place to be, because I’m such an awesome person. Can’t get much more selfish than that.

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  • KKZ

    KKZ November 1, 2013, 2:29 pm

    Aha! See! I wasn’t crazy when I was discussing the pot stigma on the forums last week. As a professional, college-educated woman, I’ve kept pretty tight lips about my hobby to most, even coworkers who have referenced their own habits right in front of me (male and female). I try to carefully vet people before I reveal the substance, and quantity of that substance, that I enjoy most.

    Y’all asked me what I do for concerts and events to get pumped instead of tailgating and/or drinking? I’ll give you one guess.

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  • Miel

    Miel November 1, 2013, 2:32 pm

    The Anti-Rape campaign almost brought tears to my eyes. For once its not the victim’s fault. I really like the concept behind the adds.

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    • honeybeenicki

      honeybeenicki November 1, 2013, 2:55 pm

      That one reminded me of these two lists I found a few months ago:
      How to Prevent Rape

      If a woman is drunk, don’t rape her.
      If a woman is walking alone at night, don’t rape her.
      If a women is drugged and unconscious, don’t rape her.
      If a woman is wearing a short skirt, don’t rape her.
      If a woman is jogging in a park at 5 am, don’t rape her.
      If a woman looks like your ex-girlfriend you’re still hung up on, don’t rape her.
      If a woman is asleep in her bed, don’t rape her.
      If a woman is asleep in your bed, don’t rape her.
      If a woman is doing her laundry, don’t rape her.
      If a woman is in a coma, don’t rape her.
      If a woman changes her mind in the middle of or about a particular activity, don’t rape her.
      If a woman has repeatedly refused a certain activity, don’t rape her.
      If a woman is not yet a woman, but a child, don’t rape her.
      If your girlfriend or wife is not in the mood, don’t rape her.
      If your step-daughter is watching TV, don’t rape her.
      If you break into a house and find a woman there, don’t rape her.
      If your friend thinks it’s okay to rape someone, tell him it’s not, and that he’s not your friend.
      If your “friend” tells you he raped someone, report him to the police.
      If your frat-brother or another guy at the party tells you there’s an unconscious woman upstairs and it’s your turn, don’t rape her, call the police and tell the guy he’s a rapist.
      Tell your sons, god-sons, nephews, grandsons, sons of friends it’s not okay to rape someone.
      Don’t tell your women friends how to be safe and avoid rape.
      Don’t imply that she could have avoided it if she’d only done/not done x.
      Don’t imply that it’s in any way her fault.
      Don’t let silence imply agreement when someone tells you he “got some” with the drunk girl.

      And if you are still confused, try this:

      How to Prevent Sexual Assault

      1. Don’t put drugs in people’s drinks in order to control their behavior.

      2. When you see someone walking by themselves, leave them alone!

      3. If you pull over to help someone with car problems, remember not to assault them!

      4. NEVER open an unlocked door or window uninvited.

      5. If you are in an elevator and someone else gets in, DON’T ASSAULT THEM!

      6. Remember, people go to laundry rooms to do their laundry, do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.

      7. USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM! If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people, ask a friend to stay with you while you are in public.

      8. Always be honest with people! Don’t pretend to be a caring friend in order to gain the trust of someone you want to assault. Consider telling them you plan to assault them. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the other person may take that as a sign that you do not plan to rape them.

      9. Don’t forget: you can’t have sex with someone unless they are awake!

      10. Carry a whistle! If you are worried you might assault someone “on accident” you can hand it to the person you are with, so they can blow it if you do.

      And, ALWAYS REMEMBER: if you didn’t ask permission and then respect the answer the first time, you are committing a crime- no matter how “into it” others appear to be.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson November 1, 2013, 3:00 pm

        I love that list.

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      • theattack

        theattack November 1, 2013, 3:01 pm

        yes! This is what I want!

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  • theattack

    theattack November 1, 2013, 2:35 pm

    Honestly, I don’t see how the rape campaign put the onus on the perpetrator. It put the onus on other innocent men to stop rape, which they obviously should if they have the opportunity, but it’s not a message to rapists or potential rapists. I still like the campaign because we need to encourage people to step up when they see something wrong, but it’s not shaming the perpetrator.

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    • avatar

      kerrycontrary November 1, 2013, 2:46 pm

      Yeh I felt the same way. I couldn’t put my finger on it. I mean I think we should all be looking out for each other, and everyone should behave smartly and with vigilence but it seemed more of “look how I saved this person from rape! Can I have my gold star now?”. I think it’s a step in the right direction…but not quite there yet?

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      • theattack

        theattack November 1, 2013, 2:52 pm

        Exactly! I think we need campaigns like this one, plus campaigns that say things more directly to the potential perpetrator. We could probably prevent a lot of the unintentional types of acquaintance rape if we made campaigns encouraging enthusiastic consent, encouraging critical thinking, encouraging next-morning sex instead of drunken night sex, etc. Giving practical tips and encouraging people to think about their own actions could go a long way for good people who really don’t want to hurt anyone.

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      • avatar

        KKZ November 1, 2013, 3:09 pm

        I’d be intrigued to see if such a campaign could be pulled off in a gender-neutral way that doesn’t assume the perp is male and the victim female. Because that just takes one faulty set of assumptions (victim-blaming) and replaces it with another (rape is gendered). I just wonder what those posters could look like, how the message could read, what pronouns and models could be used.

        I think the bystander campaign is a step in the right direction, though. I imagine it starting conversations – some friends are walking around a campus or whatever and see the poster and start talking about times that’s happened to them too, whether someone stepped in on their behalf or they stepped in for someone else.

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      • theattack

        theattack November 1, 2013, 3:24 pm

        I agree on both parts, and I was wondering the same thing about gender neutral campaigns. Or it doesn’t have to be gender neutral, and you can just have identical ads for both genders perhaps. I don’t know. Either way it would actually attack the real cause of the problem instead of everything else around it.

        The bystander campaign is definitely good, and I support it for sure.

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      • mylaray

        mylaray November 1, 2013, 3:30 pm

        I’m actually working on an ad campaign right now for a nonprofit that shames the rapists, rather than being a bystander campaign. A lot of it is gendered so far, but hopefully it won’t end up that way (the goal is to keep it gender neutral), it’s just very difficult, especially with the lack of statistics and info on who the perpetrators are. I’ve been doing tons of research lately and I find it really intriguing; and I think there are opportunities for many different types of campaigns, especially given how varied rape and assault can be.

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary November 1, 2013, 3:56 pm

        I’ve seen some “He said no, so I stopped” (meaning man on man rape) before which is a great step in the right direction. But I think it’s difficult because rape is so much about power that it’s not even always (or ever) about the gender/sex of the person that the rapist is raping. I’m not sure how much rapists cross gender or sex boundaries. Like whether a repeat woman rapist (which most are) will rape a man. So yeh it’s hard to make it gender neutral.

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      • KKZ

        KKZ November 1, 2013, 4:29 pm

        All I know is, I’ve talked to a lot of men who have said they’d be more than willing to lend a hand in the prevention arena if it wasn’t so saturated with conversations, campaigns and messages implying that men, by their very nature of being male, are criminals or criminals-to-be, and women by their nature are victims waiting to be exploited. I’ve also heard from men who say they want to or have tried to contribute to prevention efforts but get accused of derailing and hijacking if they reference their own victimhood or try to raise awareness of male victims. I have a lot of sympathy for those men.

        (And don’t even get me started on that rare but vocal brand of person who pushes men out of the movement with vocabulary like mansplaining and White Knighting and Mangina and what-about-teh-menz. If I ever use one of those terms in a non-satirical way, shoot me.)

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      • theattack

        theattack November 1, 2013, 5:02 pm

        I generally agree with all of this, but it’s gross to me that someone would not step in against violence when they could just because the language used in campaigns (that doesn’t reflect everyone!) only includes the more well-known types of sexual violence. That’s not an excuse, and I can’t feel sorry for someone who would sit back like that over language. It’s not the victim’s fault that some campaign-writer chose words that aren’t fully inclusive, and that sin shouldn’t be punishable by allowing more assaults to happen.

        I really hope I’m misunderstanding your first point above.

        Moving on… There are two different arguments at play here. Do we want to represent reality (which is that the rapes we know about* are overwhelming male on female), or do we want to try to cover every single base out there to make sure no combination of perp-victim is excluded? I want to give the benefit of the doubt to anti- rape campaigners and assume that they’re just trying to target what’s most common rather than exclude certain types of rape. For the record, I’m not making an argument either way, but just trying to add some points for discussion.

        *Obviously the rapes we don’t know about are a huge aspect here, and the silence about male victims contributes to this substantially, so reported information is limited in use, but it is all we have to go on. It’s almost a chicken and egg situation, where we need the information to justify targeting campaigns that way (sometimes literally with grant funding), but you need the conversation to get going before people start talking about it more.

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      • theattack

        theattack November 1, 2013, 6:00 pm

        And it is so, so sad that men are shut down and accused of derailing when talking about their own victimhood and men’s sexual assaults. That’s terrible. At the same time, a few men (and you know the type I’m referring to, so I don’t mean this about most or even many of men talking about it) very loudly DO use their small problems to derail productive conversations about progressing women’s status in the world in truly important ways (or at least more important/prevalent than the MRA counterargument typically is). I don’t mean people who are saying they were raped or who are taking the topic seriously, but there are men in the world who do derail feminist conversations so much (like crazy MRA men, not actual activists), and they’re unfortunately disproportionately loud for their population size. Feminists most definitely shouldn’t assume that men are automatically doing that, but there are so few men who participate in the conversation, and sometimes it seems like there are more of the crazy, derailing type participating than the legitimate, concerned type, and I don’t think everyone takes the time to discern which type someone is. It doesn’t make it right, but it probably explains some of the inappropriate and horrible knee-jerk reactions.

        Also, I don’t think there has to be two different types of men in these conversations, and I would love for feminists to be able to listen to men and just hear their opinions as individuals rather than categorizing them, but I think a lot of us do that anyway, partially because there are clearly two easy-to-define categories, and partially as a defense mechanism against the meany-heads. We could also look at why there are two different types of men in these conversations, which probably relates back to men either being afraid of a backlash against them or being angry expecting a backlash, so they react in one extreme way or the other, afraid to say anything in the gray area. Maybe I’m babbling and generalizing too much and just need to go home. haha

        I hope I explained myself well, because I’m walking a line where choosing the wrong word could make me sound awful, so please know that I mean well, and I don’t think this is okay at all, and give me the benefit of the doubt if that sounds dismissive because I don’t mean it to be.

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      • mylaray

        mylaray November 1, 2013, 5:17 pm

        I don’t know where to put this, but if you haven’t seen this, this is a good ad campaign from a few years ago that specifically focuses on prison rape:

        An all encompassing anti rape campaign could never include all populations affected by it, which is why I think many campaigns work because for each type of rape or who the perpetrators are, a different conversation needs to take place. So yes, I do think things should be fully inclusive, but at the same time, one ad can’t truly be that way, which is why I like campaigns like the prison one because it is very focused and not as general if it were just about all rape.

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      • theattack

        theattack November 1, 2013, 6:07 pm

        Very good points. I like it.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson November 1, 2013, 2:55 pm

        I will celebrate this small step in the right direction.

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. November 1, 2013, 2:56 pm

    Add this to the list of “Silly Things People Have Said to Me When I Tell Them I’m Not Having Kids”: “I guess you won’t need that money your grandfather left you to buy a house.” (Thanks, Mom.) ??? Don’t single people need homes too?

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    • honeybeenicki

      honeybeenicki November 1, 2013, 3:01 pm

      Nope, single and child-free people can just live outside in a carboard box. Or a 40 square foot studio apartment. Whichever is cheaper.

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      • Kate B.

        Kate B. November 1, 2013, 3:10 pm

        Refrigerator boxes can be quite nice. You can do a lot with throw pillows and strategically-placed mirrors.

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  • Addie Pray

    Addie Pray November 1, 2013, 3:07 pm

    Aww, the kid one made me laugh so hard. Ok, going to read the rest now… That’s all.

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    • theattack

      theattack November 1, 2013, 3:12 pm

      Is it bad that I didn’t even realize the kid article was a joke? Those are all the reasons kids drive me crazy, so I assumed it was serious.

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray November 1, 2013, 3:21 pm

        Well, I mean, I thought it was obviously a joke but I guess it’s not funny to a lot of people. Maybe I’m part evil but every time I see a kid jump into a pool and miss, or something like that, I laugh my ass off – I mean, assuming they’re not hurt, bad. I’m not sure what that says about me. But I love the “functional [non]-useless[ness]” of kids, ha. Kids are so great, even when they’re shitty.

        God I remember this one time – and I can’t even type this without laughing so hard I cry – my nephew was throwing this HUGE ASS FIT about wanting ice cream. I mean GOOD GOD – I’m not sure if I would have caved had I been his parent – but my brother gave him some fucking ice cream and he was so pleased with himself. What does the cute brat do right when he gets his ice cream? He starts showing off. “Hey auntie watch this” and turns it upside down expecting it to stay I guess and it all fell on the carpet and he started crying AND I STARTED LAUGHING SO HARD and then he started crying harder AND THEN I STARTED LAUGHING HARDER and … I am pretty sure I peed a little in my pants. One time I peed fully in my pants when something like that happened and it actually poured out through my pant leg onto the floor – I was like 28.

        I mean, I just appreciate kids for the endless laughter they bring to my days even when they are being shitty, you know?

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      • theattack

        theattack November 1, 2013, 3:28 pm

        haha, You would be such a good mom. You clearly love kids so hard and so unconditionally.

        I always find the first parts of those stories hilarious, but then when they start crying or screaming and don’t stop, I’m just like “HOW STUPID CAN YOU BE, YOU DID THAT TO YOURSELF AFTER EVERYONE WARNED YOU, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!??!?!” I could laugh for days about the kid falling off the slide (as long as they didn’t get hurt) or having the door fall on them or getting stuck in the dresser, but I want to push the stop button there and let someone else deal with the aftermath.

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray November 1, 2013, 3:40 pm

        Well, I have a really low tolerance when it comes to kids being dishonest or mean. I shut that down fast – like if they’re not sharing or if they’re being little meanies, which kids can be, even unintentionally. I don’t hesitate to discipline my nephews when I see them being little sneaky or mean shits. But when they’re being dumb shits? That’s just funny. Because they’re like these weird mutants who do dumb things and that’s just funny to me, I dunno know why.

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      • KKZ

        KKZ November 1, 2013, 3:48 pm

        Bear’s favorite phrase is “Well, don’t do that, and that won’t happen.”

        I think my mom ruined laughing at other people’s misfortune for me. I remember we’d be watching something like a clip montage of old people falling down on America’s Funniest Home Videos, and she’d just get this sad face and say “That’s terrible, you shouldn’t laugh at people getting hurt.” I was really young the first time I heard this and took it to heart. I feel so dirty inside when I laugh at someone else’s pain, even if it was a harmless prank or if they essentially deserved it.

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  • avatar

    Banana November 1, 2013, 4:17 pm

    Thread on the kissing article!

    I found this interesting:

    “The participants generally rated kissing in casual relationships as most important before sex, less important during sex, even less important after sex and least important “at other times.””

    I’d rate those occasions in almost complete reverse order. Kissing and snuggling are most important to me as the ways to express affection and love throughout the day, in our brief flyby encounters, or when we’re just too tired/not in the right place/not in the mood for sex. Kissing is the glue between all those other occasions described. Next most important is our kissing after sex. We often snuggle right after, and both my boyfriend and I find each other running up and smacking passionate kisses on each other while we’re cleaning up. Then, kissing during…it seems to intensify everything. Finally, the least important to me is actually kissing during foreplay, haha. Sometimes I think I even forget to kiss him while we’re amping up. I see it more as a signal — “Oh hey, Imma gonna make out with you, this means I want sex.” But I don’t really see it as a big part of foreplay once we’re in the hypothetical bedroom.

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle November 1, 2013, 4:32 pm

      Kissing during sex DEFINITELY intensifies things, but only if it’s very deliberate? Because I’ve had guys sort of just plant their mouth on mine during sex, & then kinda forget it was there? Like phoning-it-in kissing (because their mind is focused on all the other action going on). In that case, I’m kinda like, “okay, no more kissing. No kissing unless you MEAN IT” haha

      But I agree with you; just wanted to make that distinction & be like, “do you know what I’m talking about, anyone?”

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      • avatar

        Banana November 1, 2013, 4:33 pm

        Oh yes. “I believe you forget your face on my face.”

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      • theattack

        theattack November 1, 2013, 4:50 pm

        Eww, yes. I wish I didn’t know what you were talking about, but yes. That’s how I feel about kissing in general though. It’s gross if it’s not deliberate and focused.

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