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Friday Links

Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

“Why Women Aren’t Welcome on the Internet” [via Pacific Standard]

“Surviving Anxiety” [via The Atlantic]

“23 Things to Do Instead of Getting Engaged When You’re 23″ [via Huffington Post]

“Ten Research-Based Wedding Vows” [via Psychology Today]

“Female Tech CEO Says ‘Leaning In’ Isn’t The Answer” [via Business Insider]

“The Shark Has Pretty Teeth, Dear: Why I Teach Women Self-Defense” [via The Hairpin]

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to wendy@dearwendy.com and if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

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{ 58 comments… add one }

avatar Sansa January 10, 2014, 1:15 pm

Hi everyone, my name is Sansa and I suffer from GAD (generalized anxiety disorder)

Hi Sansa.

That being said, the above article on anxiety really irks me because it doesn’t capture a GAD sufferer, I don’t think it was written by a GAD sufferer. It’s natural to get anxiety with public speaking and with the birth of a baby. Can the anxiety be overwhelming? Sure. That’s what the meds are for, but this is not the story of a GAD sufferer.

This link is. http://www.cnn.com/2014/01/08/living/anxiety-coping/index.html?utm_hp_ref=women&ir=Women#cnn-disqus-area

I read it yesterday, posted it to Facebook and took it down 15 mins later because I was embarrassed to admit it. The article that I posted hits so close to home and was written by someone who suffers just like I do.

I’m not trivializing what the original link is talking about but there’s a major difference between GAD and normal anxiety that gets a bit out of hand.

avatar Sansa January 10, 2014, 1:28 pm

After reading more, his anxiety seems like a non issue compared to his various disorders. As for self medicating, that’s so unbelievably dangerous, I think that’s what gave me the knee jerk reaction of “what a load of crap about anxiety” this article doesn’t really help anyone. Maybe it can show that people aren’t alone, but I see no lesson here.

Behavioral therapy, not liquor or little bits of xanex here and there (2mg of xanex a day plus small doses for panic attacks) and other meds prescribed by my dr. help me to live my life, to be able to go to the grocery store and not be afraid, to be able to get out of my car etc. I feel like he’s got more than situational anxiety on his plate.

avatar kerrycontrary January 10, 2014, 1:38 pm

Ok marriage at 23 article…I am generally not a supporter of young marriages (but I’m talking 19, 20). But I know a lot of people who got married at 23 or 24 who I don’t think will suffer from a young divorce. And I think the author was wrong in her generalizations, because all of the people I know 1) went to and graduated from college and 2) studied abroad, so they had traveled. I don’t think young people should feel any rush to get married just because their own parents got married at 22, but for some people it’s the right decision and they’ve already been dating for a few years and there’s no reason to put it off. I don’t think it means that they’re scared to go through their 20s without someone by their side. I dunno, there was just a lot of judgement there that I don’t think was completely accurate.

avatar lets_be_honest January 10, 2014, 1:47 pm

Yea, Lots of judgment in that article. Your comment prompted me to read it. I think it just depends. I look at people like lemongrass and clearly its working for her really well. But take another young married person, probably not. It all depends. That said, I would be very nervous of Lil or one of my sisters decided to marry at 23.

avatar lets_be_honest January 10, 2014, 1:49 pm

Haha to #17. Apparently you cannot eat a jar of nutella if you are married. I’ll add that to my list of reasons to never marry.

call-me-hobo call-me-hobo January 10, 2014, 2:39 pm

I couldn’t help but think “WOAH DREAM BIG” when I read that lol

avatar lets_be_honest January 10, 2014, 2:43 pm

Isn’t it really sad to think some people will read that and agree with it though? Ugh.

avatar lemongrass January 10, 2014, 5:23 pm

Aww thanks LBH. Yeah, I’ve always said that getting married at 22 isn’t for everyone, or even most people nowadays but for me, it is good. I think it is really immature to make sweeping statements of what people should or shouldn’t do with their lives (within reason). Part of the beauty of life is that there are so many different ways to live your life and that everyone does it a little bit different. The author seemed to think that once you get married you turn into a robot and stop having unique experiences. Also it’s a little hypocritical to think you are “winning” by eating a whole jar of Nutella and multiple cakes and then call me fat for getting pregnant.

avatar Banana January 10, 2014, 1:47 pm

Ditto everything you said. I also agree with the author in general that there are probably some life experiences you should get under your belt before you marry, but Peace Corps? I know she’s not being completely literal with this list, but SERIOUSLY? Everyone should join the Peace Corps before they’re 23? Really? That was the moment I just went “Get over yourself.”

avatar kerrycontrary January 10, 2014, 1:57 pm

Yeh I kind of hate when people randomly throw out Peace Corps since they rarely realize that you need 1) education–usually a college degree and 2) a skill that would actually be useful. It’s not like they just take everyone.

call-me-hobo call-me-hobo January 10, 2014, 2:41 pm

Not to mention that the Peace Corps is a SERIOUS time commitment, with a minimum of service of 27 months. That’s a HUGE time commitment.

mylaray mylaray January 10, 2014, 1:55 pm

Yeah, I agree it came off a little judgmental. I got engaged and married at 23, and am now 24, and I don’t necessarily advocate for marrying young, but age isn’t a good predictor for readiness anyways, which is why I don’t like articles that always want to pin ages to it. Heck, I’ve done everything except one thing on that list, whereas my husband, who is 28, doesn’t have nearly as much life experience as I do. Just because I married young doesn’t mean I can’t still travel, do crazy things, and live life.

avatar Sansa January 10, 2014, 1:58 pm

I thought people were getting married later and later in life?

avatar lets_be_honest January 10, 2014, 2:03 pm

No, only when someone is writing an article about marrying later in life. If you are writing about marriages happening earlier, then the stats change.

avatar bethany January 10, 2014, 2:00 pm

I couldn’t actually make it through the article. I found it really obnoxious. Marriage at 23 wouldn’t have worked for me. And it wouldn’t have worked for a lot of people I know. Actually, I think I know 2 people who are now divorced who got married around 22-24– BUT– Unless you have a direct interest in the person (it’s your sister, brother, close friend), what does it matter if other people get married and divorced? Who cares?
Everyone is different. People mature at different rates. Some people are ready to get married at 23, some aren’t ready until they’re 50. Who cares?

avatar iseeshiny January 10, 2014, 2:16 pm

The person who wrote it is 22, so I just wrote it off as someone justifying their choices by tearing down someone else’s.

theattack theattack January 10, 2014, 2:17 pm

Yes, I couldn’t stand that article either. If marriage prevents you from continuing to live your life, you are doing both marriage AND life wrong.

GatorGirl GatorGirl January 10, 2014, 2:18 pm

The only good point she makes is “the LGTBQ community isn’t ruining the sanctity of marriage, the Kardashian family is.” haha

avatar kerrycontrary January 10, 2014, 2:23 pm

My little soapbox on Kim Kardashian and marriage: 1st Marriage) She was 19 and in an abusive marriage. She made a mistake by getting married at 19, and she’s “allowed” to get divorced if her husband beats her. No arguement there 2nd Marriage) she married the wrong person but realized it too late when her bajillion dollar wedding was already planned, the whole world knew about it, and it was going to be on TV. So she went through with it trying to make it work but it didn’t. And Chris Humphris is kind of a jerk. She wouldn’t be the first bride who went through with the marriage cause she didn’t want to cancel a wedding. She made a mistake.

So…I don’t think the Kardashians are ruining marriage. In fact, I don’t think anyone is.

GatorGirl GatorGirl January 10, 2014, 2:42 pm

It was kind of a joke…hence the “haha”

rawkmys0cks rawkmys0cks January 10, 2014, 3:47 pm

And when she said this…

“Sure. Some days I wake up and stare at my ceiling thinking: “I’m single as fuck.” But then I realize that those friends are going to get knocked up and fat soon soooo in retrospect, who really is winning here? I’m in China. I’m having the best time of my life. I am responsible for my own happiness.”

How bitter and mean does this sound? This whole article made me cringe. I’m 24 and engaged and I’ve done more than half of the things on her (puerile) list.

avatar lets_be_honest January 10, 2014, 3:49 pm

Well it is probably comforting to the married folk to know that they are no longer responsible for their own happiness. :)

rawkmys0cks rawkmys0cks January 10, 2014, 3:54 pm

I’m going to tell Jeff tonight when I get home that he’s responsible for my happiness from now on. We’ll see how that goes over :P

avatar Banana January 10, 2014, 4:24 pm

Yeah. The more I think about it, the more I think the only thing that article demonstrates is why its AUTHOR shouldn’t get married young: because she apparently doesn’t understand what marriage is. Does she think people just die after getting married? Or that they totally lose their individual identities? Or that they stop having their own dreams and ambitions?

And the other thing — what, exactly, IS so wrong about a young couple wanting a white picket fence existence early on? If they enter into it knowingly and maturely and it’s what they both want? Why does everyone HAVE to want the things the author wants, otherwise they’re superficial morons?

avatar lets_be_honest January 10, 2014, 4:31 pm

Its almost as if she’s only got her parents’ (or grandparents’ even) marriage to look at as what a marriage is like. So outdated.

avatar Banana January 10, 2014, 4:44 pm

Actually, it’s like she’s using Mad Men as her example of what marriage is like. I think that shows like that grossly exaggerate the amount of marital unhappiness of that generation — after all, it makes great drama. Living the marry-early, live-for-family lifestyle didn’t render entire centuries of people cripplingly unhappy and unfulfilled…it’s not for everyone, but it’s not for no one, either. I think a real sign that someone hasn’t had a lot of life experiences is if they’ve NEVER met an example of a happily married couple.

avatar lets_be_honest January 10, 2014, 4:48 pm

Fine Banana. Your example is much better than mine. Again.

avatar Banana January 10, 2014, 4:56 pm

It’s called better-example trolling. It’s the new thing.

And it’s better than yours.

avatar lets_be_honest January 10, 2014, 5:01 pm

haha. I love you.

avatar Banana January 10, 2014, 5:07 pm

I LOVE YOU BETTER.

rawkmys0cks rawkmys0cks January 10, 2014, 4:44 pm

It seems that’s exactly what she thinks when she says, “and it’s insane that I have already experienced more of the world in the last 22 years than my married peers will ever experience in their life.”

muchachaenlaventana muchachaenlaventana January 10, 2014, 1:45 pm

@kerrycontrary I agree completely!! I feel like that was an incredibly obtuse and judgmental article written in a sort of fit of passion after having to defend her single status, or deal with one too many Facebook updates or whatever. It came across as incredibly insecure. Although for me personally, marriage at 23 would have been a huge disaster (and I was close to marriage by 21) it can and does work for many people. Also I have traveled a lot and done a lot on that list and the author sort of throws it in people’s faces with “i have done more by 23 than they will in their whole lives.” Which is an attitude I HATE and have encountered from a lot of people who go a less traditional route after college. I mean everyone’s definition of “doing more” is different. I am envious of people who have children younger and will have time for those experiences when they are retired but not old yet. I wouldn’t wish that but sometimes I see the appeal. Anyways I had major problems with this article and think that HuffPo picked it up because it would garner comments and “buzz”.

avatar kerrycontrary January 10, 2014, 2:12 pm

The life experience thing: I think the author ignores that life experience doesn’t always mean traveling or having multiple sexual partners or exploring different religions. It can also include experiencing the death of a parent, working out marital differences, having and raising a child, knowing how to pay your bills, negotiating relationships with in-laws, so there’s a lot of life experiences this author does NOT have.

avatar Sara January 10, 2014, 2:15 pm

Exactly – and, you don’t *have* to stop traveling (or, for some couples, having multiple sexual partners) after you get married.

avatar Sara January 10, 2014, 2:14 pm

Yes. The line you quote: “and it’s insane that I have already experienced more of the world in the last 22 years than my married peers will ever experience in their life” really stuck out to me, too. She has *such* a realistic view of marriage since she thinks that once you get married, you stop being able to experience the world – So True! (/sarcasm)

GatorGirl GatorGirl January 10, 2014, 2:21 pm

I only skimmed the vows article because it was written all science-y to me, but I did like the part at the end where she said they where going to frame their vows and hang them as a constant reminder. We did something similar, and it’s currently hanging in the middle of our living room. I find my self stopping and reading our vows once a week-ish. It’s only been 8 months but I think I’ll continue to stop and read it regularly forever.

avatar lets_be_honest January 10, 2014, 2:26 pm

That’s an awesome idea! I really like that.
I only skimmed to read the actual vows and loved most of them.

GatorGirl GatorGirl January 10, 2014, 2:30 pm

Ours where 1000000 times more simple though. Haha. “I, GG, take you, GGuy, to be my husband, promising with divine assistance to be unto you a loving and faithful wife all the days of our lives.” It’s a pretty standard Quaker vow and we really liked it. I like that it’s the center of our home.

avatar snarkymarc January 10, 2014, 2:42 pm

It’s interesting that she didn’t include fidelity in her vows. Does that mean research doesn’t support that monogamy makes for a more successful and better marriage?

honeybeenicki honeybeenicki January 10, 2014, 2:52 pm

We have our vows (the actual piece of paper we read them off) kind of displayed. We couldn’t do a unity candle at our wedding because open flames weren’t allowed, so we did a sand ceremony instead. We poured 2 different colors of sand into a central vase and then we used the two containers we had the sand in to roll up our vows and put them in so we could read them and display them. They are big enough that you can still read the whole thing but small enough that they’re easily displayed without being obnoxious. We both still read them regularly and we’ve been married almost 5 years.

avatar lets_be_honest January 10, 2014, 3:06 pm

Are you saying the vow wallpaper I had created for our living room is obnoxious?

avatar Banana January 10, 2014, 3:13 pm

I’m saying you should have gotten the vow face tattoo. Except then you have to decide if you want other people to be able to read it or if you should print it backwards so you can read it in the mirror.

I kid, of course :) I’m loving all of these ideas!!

avatar lets_be_honest January 10, 2014, 3:17 pm

Read my face asshole! You promised to be faithful!!!!

avatar Banana January 10, 2014, 4:22 pm

“Read my face asshole” conjured some really disturbing mental images.

avatar lemongrass January 10, 2014, 8:23 pm

Oh man, now I feel like an asshole. I don’t remember my vows or have them written down. I know the gist of it though!

Imsostartled Imsostartled January 10, 2014, 2:40 pm

Wow I really was intrigued by “The Shark has Pretty Teeth, Dear” article. I also have trouble with the paradox that victims are never to blame for rape/abuse, but I also think there is value in teaching self defense and techniques to avoid harm. I think both are true, but I’ve seen so many people jump all over safety advice because they view it as victim blaming. I’m not saying that some safety advice can head into that territory (because a lot can), but I think it’s responsible to teach everyone certain things. You can be sure that I’ll be teaching my future sons and daughters how to hold keys when walking through a dark parking lot and to never leave your drink unattended. I’ll also be discussing the issue of enthusiastic consent with them, so they understand these issues from both ends.

avatar SasLinna January 10, 2014, 3:56 pm

I definitely think that learning self-defense techniques can be a source of empowerment. The sheer knowledge that you COULD do something to defend yourself can be helpful. On the other hand, there’s a risk of reenforcing stereotypes about rape when talking about self-defense. An out-of-the-blue physical attack is very unlikely.
I still believe one of the most important factors is the ability to be totally impolite and leave immediately when you feel threatened, and the ability to not care about making a scene.

Imsostartled Imsostartled January 10, 2014, 4:45 pm

I’m definitely with you on the “ability to be totally impolite and leave immediately when you feel threatened, and the ability to not care about making a scene.” I love the “Gift of Fear” (disclaimer on the domestic violence section) and how discuses that women have to combat societal pressure to always be nice and not make waves, instead we should trust our gut and MAKE A SCENE!!

avatar SasLinna January 10, 2014, 4:55 pm

I read parts of “Gift of Fear”, too. I definitely found it eye-opening, and I think a lot of the examples in the book show that the relevant action to protect yourself is usually FLIGHT and not FIGHT. What’s important to learn is to override the default, socially ingrained behavior of being polite when a situation is threatening.

avatar Banana January 10, 2014, 4:48 pm

Yeah, I think how people TALK about learning self-defense can sometimes lead to victim-blaming of a kind, but I don’t think that’s a reason not to LEARN self-defense. When we put political correctness above the practical reality of empowering women to defend themselves, the world has gone crazy. But as Sas points out, self-defense has to be combined with education about date rape and acquaintance rape, too.

Miel Miel January 10, 2014, 6:26 pm

I did some self-defense class and I still think that a lot of the movement we learned can be used in situation of domestic violence, not just random physical attack on the street. Things like “if someone grabs your wrist”. Or “how to dodge a punch or a slap”. I am more comfortable with myself knowing I can punch and kick if needed. Not necessarily to prevent rape, but just so I know I can do it. I’m 100 lbs, I’m a really small girl. Knowing a can break someone’s nose is just one more trick up my sleeve.

avatar Shadowflash January 10, 2014, 3:45 pm

I have a beef with the “Women on the Internet” article:

I don’t think it’s exclusively women that are harassed, made fun of, or stalked/threatened. Don’t get me wrong, it is my experience that plenty of trolls will go out of their way to harass me if they know I’m female (if they don’t know, it’s just the usual “suck my dick” trolling). Remember 9/11? If your avatar’s skin was the wrong shade of brown, if your username sounded Middle-Eastern, even if you just defended freedom of religion on principle you got all kinds of flamed. And yes, it got as far as stalking, death threats, even actual killings.

The real problem isn’t that the Internet is biased in favor of men–it’s that the Internet is biased in favor of harassers, whatever their chosen subject matter is. Making someone afraid because of who they are–let alone some imagined internet characteristics–should not in any way be OK. The problems of legal jurisdiction, pseudonymity, and accountability aren’t limited to public female figures. Don’t narrow this down to just another chapter in the gender wars.

avatar JoanJ January 10, 2014, 4:17 pm

Agree, however along those same lines, it does seem to mirror generic bigotry/privileged oppression of minority groups in general. The most slurs I see online are bitch and anti-gay slurs.

avatar jbk80 January 10, 2014, 9:04 pm

I teach at a large research university. A few years ago, male student who spectacularly failed my class posted my CV, wedding announcement, and contact information to a bunch of revenge porn and torrent sites with someone else’s naked pictures so that I could have the pleasure of being harassed by creepy strangers from across the country. Somehow, I doubt that he did that to his male professors.
Since some of the websites declined to remove my information, I still get harassed. Apart from having to retake the class, nothing happened to the student.

avatar iseeshiny January 10, 2014, 9:58 pm

To be clear, I thumbed that up cause I agree with you, not cause I’m glad it happened. I’m really sad that happened to you.

avatar Taylor January 12, 2014, 11:09 am

That is really messed up. Isn’t that harassment? How does someone get away with that, without punishment?

avatar jbk80 January 12, 2014, 6:21 pm

I filed a police report at the time and provided the student’s information. The police officer tracked down the student and called him, but nothing happened afterwards. What it basically came down to is that the police don’t have the skill or ability to pursue cases of harassment that occur online. Many websites (including well-known ones, such as Google) are unwilling to remove submitted content or to release user data such as the IP addresses of people who have uploaded/submitted abusive content. The internet is also a very hazy area for jurisdiction, which also makes the police more hesitant to put the time into investigating this type of harassment.
The good news for people who have taken naked pictures is that if you took them, you can have them taken down by showing you hold the copyright (pain in the butt, but possible). Unfortunately, since the pictures weren’t mine, I didn’t have that option.

avatar Taylor January 13, 2014, 1:03 pm

That’s messed up. It resonates with the “women aren’t welcome on the internet” article in that law enforcement hasn’t caught up w the digital age yet. Thanks for sharing your story, it made me take a close look at what kid of info students can access about me!

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