Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Friday Links

Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

“Millennials Want Children, But They’re Not Planning on Them” [via NYTimes]

“Kama Sutra For Couples Who Have Been Dating for Over Three Years” [via McSweeney’s]

“The Ten Names That Make The Best Husbands And Wives” [via The Telegraph]

“7 Things I Know For Sure About Happy Marriages” [via HuffPo]

“Wealthy Women Can Afford to Reject Marriage, but Poor Women Can’t” [The Atlantic]

“Reasons You’re His Girlfriend and Not His Wife” [via Chron]

“Save your Relationships: Ask the Right Questions” [via Momastery]

“The Gospel Of Parenthood, According To Tina And Amy” [via HuffPo]

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to [email protected] and if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

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73 comments… add one
  • GatorGirl

    GatorGirl January 17, 2014, 1:37 pm

    I liked the millennial article. It’s something that I’ve thought a fair amount about, how will we balance kids and working fulltime (which we’ll both likely have to do).

    I also liked the 7 things article, it’s similar to what our general approach to marriage is.

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    • GatorGirl

      GatorGirl January 17, 2014, 2:21 pm

      There is no good place to put this, but I just found out my favorite kind of tampon was discontinued. I’m like distraught.

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      • avatar

        Christy January 17, 2014, 2:56 pm

        Which kind? Not that I want to know your favorite type of tampon is, but I do want to know if I should be concerned myself.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl January 17, 2014, 2:59 pm

        Haha, I understand.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest January 17, 2014, 3:34 pm

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl January 17, 2014, 3:38 pm

        you’re hilarious.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest January 17, 2014, 3:39 pm

        haha 🙂 i had to!
        I don’t have a real favorite to recommend.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl January 17, 2014, 4:14 pm

        Dude, I just found out they discontinued my f-ing shampoo too. WTF?!?!

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson January 17, 2014, 4:18 pm

        It’s a conspiracy.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl January 17, 2014, 4:20 pm

        Fuck em all. I’m going to eat more ice cream.

        edit- I should stock up, they might discontinue my favorite flavor.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest January 17, 2014, 4:21 pm

        what shampoo?

        that really crazy!

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl January 17, 2014, 4:23 pm

        We both use it, so our shower is less cluttered. Now we’re going to have to find something new….wahhhhhhhh. UGH. I’m about to go to every drug store in this damn town and buy every last box of tampons and shampoo like a crazy woman.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest January 17, 2014, 4:25 pm

        So bizarre! Reminds me of Elaine and buying all the birth control.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl January 17, 2014, 4:27 pm

        IDK why all my shit is getting cancelled this week??? How annoying. Next thing you know they’ll discontinue Miller Light or bread and butter pickles or another staple in my life. ARGH.

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      • theattack

        theattack January 17, 2014, 4:21 pm

        wtf? Seriously? What kind of shampoo?

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle January 17, 2014, 4:30 pm

        That sucks, dude. If it helps, Bath & Body Works discontinued my favorite scent recently. It was seriously MY FAVORITE EVER, & I used over my “nice” perfumes, & got more compliments on it, too. Then I was there for the sale, & it was fucking gone. So I ordered it on Amazon (oh god, did I use Wendy’s link?? I think I was in too much of a rage to remember)

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl January 17, 2014, 4:35 pm

        what smell?

        Amazon is sold out of the tampons, but I might order the shampoo through Wendy’s link if I can’t find it in any stores. Annoying.

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  • katie

    katie January 17, 2014, 1:40 pm

    in the 7 things about marriage article, i found the “divorce isnt an option” one interesting… we were talking about that earlier this week, and the stuff that she says after “divorce isnt an option” is not stuff i would categorize under “divorce isnt an option”… like, what she said i feel is achievable even if you dont go the “divorce isnt an option” route.

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      Banana January 17, 2014, 1:47 pm

      Maybe she could rephrase it as “ignore the escape hatch?” Because what she’s saying is, if you pretend there isn’t a way out, you’re forced to confront your problems and differences as if the only option is to work them out between you and reach a compromise. When you’re eyeing the door, there’s less motivation to find reasons and ways to stay. I didn’t mind the “divorce isn’t an option” phrasing, but I think that’s what she was really getting at.

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      • EscapeHatches

        escapehatches January 17, 2014, 2:34 pm

        Don’t ignore me!

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    • avatar

      bethany January 17, 2014, 1:52 pm

      I think people need to start re-wording that whole “Divorce is not an option” thing, because that’s not really what they mean. She even says so in the next sentence. I think what she means is that when things get tough divorce isn’t the easy way out, you agree to work through your problems not just “cry divorce”.

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    • GatorGirl

      GatorGirl January 17, 2014, 2:07 pm

      I’m with banana and Bethany. I’ve always used that phrase…even though it’s not really the true thing I’m trying to say.

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    • theattack

      theattack January 17, 2014, 2:15 pm

      I thought the same thing, Katie. It’s just not a good phrase. Of course it’s not healthy to think of divorce as a solution to normal marital problems. IMO, divorce is a really good option for either 1) an extreme situation, like abuse or infidelity, or 2) an unbreakable pattern of really negative behavior.

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  • avatar

    bethany January 17, 2014, 1:48 pm

    I knew there was a reason Dave was a great husband! It’s all due to his name! 🙂

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  • avatar

    lets_be_honest January 17, 2014, 1:54 pm

    Sweet, I’d make a great wife thanks to that name article.

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    • theattack

      theattack January 17, 2014, 2:01 pm

      Charlotte?

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest January 17, 2014, 2:03 pm

        No, Lets. Didn’t you see the name Lets on there?

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      • avatar

        bethany January 17, 2014, 2:06 pm

        I know what it is!!!

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      • theattack

        theattack January 17, 2014, 2:07 pm

        No you don’t! Seriously? LBH gave away her identity?

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      • avatar

        Christy January 17, 2014, 2:57 pm

        Seriously, that’s like the one remaining mystery. I know more about most of you than I know my siblings.

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      • avatar

        bethany January 17, 2014, 2:58 pm

        She gave it away VERY early on… I’m not going to say any more than that.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl January 17, 2014, 3:02 pm

        I bet it’s Jessica.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest January 17, 2014, 3:05 pm

        haha, you guys are funny. bethany is right though!

        on that note, I feel super sexy and mysterious right now, so thanks!

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      • avatar

        lemongrass January 17, 2014, 3:10 pm

        Is Louise, right?

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      • theattack

        theattack January 17, 2014, 3:07 pm

        Omg have to go through the archives

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      • avatar

        bethany January 17, 2014, 3:29 pm

        Ok, I’ll tell you. It’s Lucille.

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  • avatar

    lets_be_honest January 17, 2014, 1:57 pm

    Re: the wealthy woman/marriage article. I haven’t read it yet, but how sad of an idea. However, when my boyfriend and I started splitting shared bills, I can’t deny that didn’t lighten the load a LOT.

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  • avatar

    ktfran January 17, 2014, 2:00 pm

    RE: Names Article

    I’ve been saying this for years, I WOULD make the best wife…..

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    • katie

      katie January 17, 2014, 2:21 pm

      Yes this means I’m a good wife too!

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      • avatar

        ktfran January 17, 2014, 2:31 pm

        Yay. Good wives club!

        Now I just need to find a husband. You at least have a start on the other half of the equation.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest January 17, 2014, 3:06 pm

        I didn’t see Jake on that list, so she clearly doesn’t have a start on the other half of that equation. Sorry Katie!

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      • katie

        katie January 17, 2014, 4:18 pm

        its cool, im just gonna tell him his new name is andrew. problem solved!

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  • avatar

    bethany January 17, 2014, 2:05 pm

    The millennial article was interesting. I’m not a millennial, but the reasons they mention in the article are the reasons why we’ve waited so long (and are still waiting) to have a family. There is so much stress involved with how it will work (aside from how much it’ll cost!). How am I going to leave my baby after 3 months to go back to work? How are we going to get it to and from daycare and still have time to get to work? How will manage a 35 minute train ride, picking up a kid from daycare, then getting home, making dinner, taking care of the kid, bathtime, bedtime, and all the other stuff that’s required in daily life? If the US is really concerned about a dropping population/birth rate, it needs to step up like other countries (Hello, Canada!), and allow mothers to be with their babies, and allow families to have the chance to actually parent their children. Until then, they can expect to see that birth rate drop and drop.

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    • theattack

      theattack January 17, 2014, 2:11 pm

      Very true. I keep reading this over and over, that we need to do something, but I haven’t actually heard anyone step up to make a change.

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      • avatar

        bethany January 17, 2014, 2:17 pm

        There are so many things that companies could do to be more family friendly (and some of this could apply to everyone, not just those with children). Some things that are pro-family that would make a huge difference to me would be:
        *longer maternity leave. Hell, even 4 months would be better than 3
        *flex time, so if I need to leave early or come in late, I could make up that time another day
        *paternity leave

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      • avatar

        ktfran January 17, 2014, 2:30 pm

        I think flexibility would go a LONG way into helping families. Hell, just people in general. Because honestly, aside from being at or calling in for meetings, who cares if your work gets done at 7 in the morning, 4 in the afternoon or 10 at night. As long as it gets done and gets done well.

        My old boss (and close friend), was a clock watcher and wanted you to be at your desk eight hours every day. Her employees are considered some of the better proposal writers in the company. Our new boss doesn’t care, as long as we do our work. I like this flexible approach so much better. And I don’t even have kids yet.

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      • avatar

        bethany January 17, 2014, 3:00 pm

        Even something like 5 flex hours per employee per month would make such a huge difference!

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest January 17, 2014, 3:08 pm

        Obviously it wouldn’t work in all fields, but in the ones that it would, I really don’t get why everyone doesn’t have flex hours. My bosses are like, what the fuck do we care? Did you get your work done? Did you bring in enough $? Good, that’s all we need. And I’d never leave because of that (well, not NEVER). So they gain something too.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl January 17, 2014, 3:10 pm

        This is why I’ve stuck it out in my job even in the weeks I want to pull my hair out. I have a lot of flexibility, and I’m sure it will continue when/if there are kids so long as I can keep pulling my weight.

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        lets_be_honest January 17, 2014, 3:15 pm

        Yea, I’d say that flexibility is the #1 reason I’m at my job. The idea of missing out on school concerts, or even cuddling a sick kid, just so that I can bring $ home is the worst. I think its borderline evil to not allow flexibility (for parents and non-parents) at work when it could be allowed.

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      • avatar

        ktfran January 17, 2014, 3:24 pm

        My bff’s first child was born with down syndrome. She was so lucky in that her job has allowed her A LOT of flexibility to take care of her daughter. For instance, she doesn’t work nearly as many hours as she did before, but when she does work she gets things done and she stills gets paid well. Her salary didn’t drop at all. She’s very fortunate.

        Like you and gg have said, because of that, she won’t leave. And they know they’re getting a good worker. It really does make sense to accommodate when possible as long as people don’t take advantage.

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      • avatar

        ktfran January 17, 2014, 3:24 pm

        Actually, come to think of it, because she has to work extra hard at the office now to get everything done, we don’t IM during the day like we use to. We did that a lot.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson January 17, 2014, 3:24 pm

        Ugh I don’t want to turn this into a parent vs. non-parents fight but I HATE that I get the side eye if I EVER leave before 5 (so like 4:45) but the attorney’s/paralegal’s with kids – it’s just assumed they can leave whenever they need to. I get anxiety trying to justify whether or not my reason to leave before 5 is good enough. My boss gives no shits about sampson’s day care schedule or his vaccinations or anything.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl January 17, 2014, 3:37 pm

        I think that’s pretty shitty.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest January 17, 2014, 3:37 pm

        Yea, I agree its bs which is why I added in the parent and non-parent. Its not like non-parents don’t have emergencies too. Certain times its unavoidable in my mind (I’m thinking places that are, say, open on Xmas and you have no kids and I have 4 young kids for example), but still unfair. Do you agree with that at all? I’d like to think if I were childfree, I would offer to work Xmas morning but who knows.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl January 17, 2014, 3:40 pm

        But even if you don’t have kids LBH, you likely still have family.

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      • avatar

        ktfran January 17, 2014, 3:42 pm

        Agreed. That’s crap. Non-parents have a life outside of work too.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson January 17, 2014, 3:44 pm

        Yeah I mean you still have family. And you can just create a new family tradition where you open presents in the afternoon! Or the night before Christmas. I mean I don’t think just because you have kids and I don’t you deserve to spend Christmas with your family more than I do. Family is family. Really I just hate that any stores are open on Christmas at all. Like grocery stores, liquor stores, etc. shouldn’t have to be open. You can plan ahead people! The only things that should be open is emergency stuff – ER, police stations (in a limited capacity hopefully), firestations, etc.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest January 17, 2014, 3:48 pm

        GG, I know. I’m just thinking of a time where if I had to be the one who chooses, I could understand letting the parent go be with their little kids rather than a non-parent go deal with their emergency or family. I’d feel like I’m picking kids’ happiness over employees’ and somehow that’d make me feel ok about it? Not that that makes it any less unfair or less BS.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl January 17, 2014, 4:03 pm

        LBH, I think it’s one thing if the non-parent employee volunteers (like for real- not one of those implied you have to do it things) so the parent can have the holiday off, but to basically make it a policy is shitty.

        Like, back in college, all the managers at the restaurant I worked at volunteered to work on Halloween so that the one manager with a kid could take it trick-or-treating. It was totally just a nice thing to do. It wouldn’t have been cool if they had to expect to work just because they don’t have kids.

        I think in general companies should be sympatric to employees needs (like flexibility), so long as the employees are fulfilling their work obligations.

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        lets_be_honest January 17, 2014, 4:08 pm

        I agree GG. I don’t think it should be made an official policy at all and yea, most people I think would volunteer if they were able to, so hopefully its not an issue usually. I remember my brother not being around Xmas mornings a lot because he’d volunteer to work for that reason.

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      • avatar

        ktfran January 17, 2014, 3:19 pm

        You’re right. It’s not possible in all industries. I’m glad I ended up in one where it is. And that was purely happenstance.

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        stickelet January 17, 2014, 5:01 pm

        The problem with flex time is that a lot of jobs can’t offer that, especially lower income jobs, because we are a customer service based society. Someone who works at Walmart can’t come in early or leave late, because their shift is scheduled in advance. Sure, they can possibly trade shifts with a co-worker but that won’t always be possible.
        I agree that flex time is a great solution for a lot of people, but it won’t work for everyone/every company

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      • EscapeHatches

        escapehatches January 17, 2014, 2:43 pm

        So Senator Gillibrand has a good first step in front of Congress now:

        Call your reps and senators, this is the first act of it’s kind to address these issues:
        The “Family and Medical Insurance Leave Act” or the FAMILY Act would create an independent trust fund within the Social Security Administration to collect fees and provide benefits. This trust would be funded by employee and employer contributions of 0.2 percent of wages each, creating a self-sufficient program that would not add to the federal budget. Benefit levels, based on existing successful state programs in New Jersey and California, would equal 66 percent of an individual’s typical monthly wages up to a capped monthly amount that would be indexed for inflation. The proposal makes leave available to every individual regardless of the size of their current employer and regardless of whether such individual is currently employed by an employer, self-employed or currently unemployed, as long as the person has sufficient earnings and work history. In this way it would apply to young, part-time and low-wage workers.

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        WAPS January 17, 2014, 2:48 pm

        I can’t really tell from that site (or maybe I just missed it), but does it apply to every worker or just women?

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    • avatar

      Matcha January 17, 2014, 2:26 pm

      3 months? My job gives 6 weeks maternity leave.

      ‘m in the same boat. Want a kid eventually but don’t see having the time or ability available to have one. It’s daunting.

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      • EscapeHatches

        escapehatches January 17, 2014, 2:44 pm

        I work for a super liberal city… and we get… nothing.

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        Christy January 17, 2014, 3:00 pm

        Yeah, the feds don’t have ANY paid maternity leave. I actually had a coworker suggest I start saving up my leave in case I want kids in five years, so I’ll have a bank of leave to take. She said it took her years to save and years to save back up again for emergencies.

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      • avatar

        Matcha January 17, 2014, 3:20 pm

        That’s completely ridiculous!

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    • GatorGirl

      GatorGirl January 17, 2014, 2:28 pm

      We don’t even have a maternity leave policy! There are only two ladies who work at the office, and like 8 guys all of whom who have taken less than a week off when their kids where born. So I’m not really sure what to expect.

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      • avatar

        bethany January 17, 2014, 3:02 pm

        I’m one of 3 women in my company. Our “policy” is very vague and more of a case by case basis. The woman I work directly for took 3 months with both of her kids, but I think only 1 month of that was paid.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl January 17, 2014, 3:07 pm

        Since I handle HR, I’m trying to get a policy into our handbook this spring. A little sneaky but I don’t feel bad about it.

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  • Addie Pray

    Addie Pray January 17, 2014, 2:26 pm

    I have never not loved something Tina has said.

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