Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Friday Links

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Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

“Does a More Equal Marriage Mean Less Sex?” [via NYTimes]

“Facebook ‘friend’ sends anonymous note: Stop the vacation postings” [via Journal Sentinal]

“You’re the Boss of Me: The everyday miseries of child-centered parenting” [via Slate]

“Mental illness, suicide, depression were in my family. But they didn’t have to be in me.” [via Washington Post]

This one is an excerpt from the new book, I Forgot to Remember, which might be a good choice for our book club. “The accident that killed me: Thanks to a freak occurrence, I remember nothing of my first 22 years. The person I had been is lost and gone” [via Salon]

“Romance at Arm’s Length” [via NYTimes]

“What Is Rape Culture?” [via Buzzfeed]

“‘Spinster’ Photographer Poses With Mannequin Family to Depict American Dream” [via Feature Shoot]

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to wendy@dearwendy.com and if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

59 comments… add one
  • avatar

    ktfran February 7, 2014, 12:13 pm

    Speaking of Book Club, I just read the Husband’s Secret and really, really like it. I might like it better than What Alice Forgot. And I’m reading Where’d You Go Bernadette right now. Super interesting and I’m not sure how I feel about it yet. Anyway, Wendy and everyone, any time you want to discuss these, I’m all in!

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest February 7, 2014, 12:31 pm

      I’m ready to discuss Fault in Our Stars!

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster February 7, 2014, 1:51 pm

        Me too! I finished it in like two days what now feels like a hundred years ago. I wanna talk about how perfectly he described Amsterdam and because I was just there a few months ago, I felt transported back.

        And all the more important stuff, like kids who have cancer. That stuff too.

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      • avatar

        ktfran February 7, 2014, 2:10 pm

        So, I wasn’t going to read it. But should I? Is it really good?

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    • dabbler

      dabbler February 7, 2014, 1:34 pm

      I was so confused by the writing style in the beginning of Bernadette. By the end it all makes sense, but I was like what’s with all these random letters? Haha.

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      • avatar

        ktfran February 7, 2014, 2:10 pm

        Good to know. It’s a weird writing style, but the second book I’ve read that does this. Is it the new thing?

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      • dabbler

        dabbler February 7, 2014, 2:15 pm

        New to me. 🙂

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      • avatar

        ktfran February 7, 2014, 2:18 pm

        I need to remember the other book. I’ll have to go back and see what I’ve read. Oh, I just looked. Reconstructing Amelia. It was partly told through text messaging and facebooking.

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      • Amanda

        Amanda February 7, 2014, 2:49 pm

        Meg Cabot has a series of books told that way. I think it’s called the Boy Next Door seris or something. They’re more grown up than the Princess Diaries. They’re a fun read. Basically, they’re just fun, silly chick lit.

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  • avatar

    bethany February 7, 2014, 12:25 pm

    Re: the Facebook thing– WTF is wrong with people? Don’t want to look at vacation pics? Then DON’T. Unfriend them or hide their posts. Seriously. I don’t understand why people complain about having to see certain things on FB at all. Don’t like it, don’t look. It’s like writing a letter to a TV network telling them you hate their show. Well, if you hate it, watch one of the other channels!

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    • iwannatalktosampson

      iwannatalktosampson February 7, 2014, 12:28 pm

      I went on a hiding spree at one point because everyone was annoying the holy fuck out of me. But then it was like I only saw things from the same people over and over again, and that got annoying because too much of anyone is a bad thing. So then I was like wtf do I even have facebook, I hate everyone equally. But then I just avoided it for a few weeks and felt better. Now I try to use it in moderation in an effort to avoid hating all my friends.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson February 7, 2014, 12:34 pm

        But on a serious note people, stop fucking sharing your 10 year video.

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    • avatar

      jlyfsh February 7, 2014, 12:33 pm

      I think people go to Facebook and want it to be for their pleasure and nothing else. They only want to read stories, see photos, etc that are entertaining to them. Which is fine! But, it’s Facebook it doesn’t read your mind (yet) so you have to tell it what to show you and what not to. And if vacation photos bother you so much that you have to send a written letter? I mean I feel like you have some other issues going on.

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      • avatar

        MsMisery February 7, 2014, 1:10 pm

        Actually, there was an article last month on Slate about how FB is getting ready to customize your news feed with only the posts it thinks you want to read. So. Yeah, reading your mind in 3… 2… 1…

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh February 7, 2014, 2:13 pm

        well then hopefully people won’t have to worry about this anymore, right 😉

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      • othy

        othy February 7, 2014, 2:49 pm

        I’ve already started seeing it. If I’ve liked a page, but then don’t interact with the page at all, they stop showing me the posts in my newsfeed. But just because I don’t “like” every post doesn’t mean I don’t want to see them in my newsfeed!

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      • Miel

        Miel February 7, 2014, 4:34 pm

        Facebook asked me already many times “hey we want to have your opinion about those things on your feed” and basically they show me some actual post that my friends had made over the last day, asking me if I want “more of that type of post” or “it’s ok” or “less of that type”. And then proceeded to only show me the three most meaningless post on my feed (basically three posts from that super distant acquaintance of mine about how he liked a song on spotify or something). I was like “who wants to see MORE of that ?”

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    • GatorGirl

      GatorGirl February 7, 2014, 12:41 pm

      So I across the board agree with you, but I have a hard time in practice. I would obvi never write a note like that, but there is this one chick who is CONSTANTLY posting job related questions. I want to strangle her some days (like today when I’m EXTRA pissy). But I try to scroll by and ignore.

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      • avatar

        MsMisery February 7, 2014, 1:13 pm

        I have two friends who use their feed to post about how wonderful their life is. “My job/house/life/car/boyfriend/face/body/lunch is the best in the world.” Almost every post. Then all their friends *like* every one of these posts. I have a hard time with that sort of thing, especially since I know these people IRL and they aren’t like that IRL. I think FB does weird things to people.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson February 7, 2014, 1:17 pm

        “FB does weird things to people” YES. Holy balls people sometimes are so different than what their facebook would lead you to believe. I have a friend that literally every single time I talk to her on the phone she’s complaining about something her husband did or does, and then at least every other day she has a post about how “blessed” (fuck do I hate the word blessed) to have such an amazingggg husband. Or she probably says hubby because she’s gross like that. And then I wonder why I’m friends with her, all because of her facebook persona. Because in real life she’s honest and hilarious. But man I hate her on facebook.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest February 7, 2014, 1:49 pm

        I see the opposite just as often. I used to think you were normal and thanks to facebook, I think you are fucking crazy because all you do is complain and trash people and vent about your “hubby.”

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson February 7, 2014, 1:51 pm

        HA! Jokes on you, I no longer have a hubby. Thanks for rubbing it in.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest February 7, 2014, 1:55 pm

        haha! Jesus. The GENERAL YOU.

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      • Cassie

        Cassie B. February 7, 2014, 1:56 pm

        I can’t help it that I just want to constantly share with the world on Facebook how blessed I am that my hubby and I have our special love! My eyes feel moist with all the tears of joy.

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      • Cassie

        Cassie B. February 7, 2014, 1:57 pm

        Did I forget any obnoxious words?

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl February 7, 2014, 2:29 pm

        My aunt says “I love you to infinity and beyond, @CrazyAssUncle” all the damn time on fb and I want to scream “STOP RUINING TOY STORY!!”

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      • Cassie

        CassieB February 7, 2014, 6:58 pm

        Hahaha that’s an interesting way to quote Buzz Lightyear…

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      • othy

        othy February 7, 2014, 3:32 pm

        “angel” “love of my life” “he’s my rock”

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh February 7, 2014, 3:36 pm

        oh gosh or when they use all three of those along with wifey or hubby (points when they use those and aren’t married, and it’s not because they can’t get married).

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      • avatar

        Kate February 7, 2014, 4:10 pm

        You didn’t say “love of my life” or “I love you just as much today as I did 10 years ago.”

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest February 7, 2014, 2:00 pm

        Did you copy and paste that from my FB?

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow February 7, 2014, 2:45 pm

        I ALSO HATE THE WORD BLESSED. Let’s ban it, along with “bling.” (Pleeease can we stop saying “bling”??)

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      • Amanda

        Amanda February 7, 2014, 2:51 pm

        I see your “bling” and raise you a “YOLO”.

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      • Cassie

        Cassie B February 7, 2014, 7:05 pm

        Oh man, here it goes:

        My eyes are moist with tears of joy, thinking about how blessed my hubby and I are with our special love that extends to infinity and beyond. My DH is my angel, the love of my life, and my rock. I really hope that for Valentine’s Day, he gets me panties with major bling on them. After all, YOLO. BABY I LOVE YOU JUST AS MUCH TODAY AS I DID 1O YEARS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!1!

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      • Cassie

        Cassie B February 7, 2014, 7:10 pm

        Ahhh I have too much fun with life sometimes.

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    • TaraMonster

      TaraMonster February 7, 2014, 1:57 pm

      Seriously! A couple I’m close with does exactly what those people do, and it does annoy the crap out of me (they’re also guilty of more heinous FB crimes- like posting on each others’ walls how much they love each other while sitting next to each other. Vomit.), but ya know what I did? I HID THEM from my feed. Because that’s on me. Duh. Sending someone an anonymous letter like that is really sad and small minded. WTF.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow February 7, 2014, 2:47 pm

        I never hide the annoying people. It’s a weird form of entertainment that I love and hate simultaneously.

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      • othy

        othy February 7, 2014, 3:04 pm

        I have people that I don’t like but I keep on my news feed (like old coworkers), simply because I like watching them burn in the fire they started themselves. Does that make me a bad person?

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    • avatar

      csp February 7, 2014, 2:13 pm

      So I have been on both sides of this. I took an 8 month break from facebook. My husband and I had 2 miscarriages and all the baby pictures/happy family pictures just killed me. Now, I didn’t write a letter or post to stop posting about their babies, I just removed myself.

      On the flip side, I got a very nasty vacation email. Two things you should know for context. In the last 7 years I have traveled the world and since college I have gained 40 lbs. I had an ex- friend from college write me the nastiest private message that said I showed off and now I am fat. I hadn’t spoken to this woman in 10 years. I think facebook is a great way to connect to some people and can really bring out your own insecurities in others.

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      • avatar

        bethany February 7, 2014, 2:16 pm

        WTF?! What a bitch!

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      • avatar

        csp February 7, 2014, 2:41 pm

        The second I read it I was shocked then quickly realized that the message clearly had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow February 7, 2014, 2:49 pm

        Good for you! That’s a very mature reaction. I would have cried in my beer while plotting revenge.

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      • avatar

        WAPS February 8, 2014, 10:06 pm

        Sometimes I think that the kind of free, instantaneous communication we have now (PM, email, gchat, etc) allows us to say really terrible things without forcing us to reconsider due to sheer inconvenience. Like. what if she had to write that out and physically send it? First, she’d have to get a pen and decide what kind of stationery the situation called for; do you send “you’re a show-off and fat now” in a card, or do you just use regular paper? Then she’d have to write out the message, go find some stamps, find your address (or your last known physical address from 10 years ago), and put the letter in the mailbox. I can’t imagine anybody who would go to all that effort just to be a petty bitch!

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark February 8, 2014, 12:22 am

      Honestly? Vacation photos are the only things most people post that actually interest me. I simply love vacation pics…

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  • iwannatalktosampson

    iwannatalktosampson February 7, 2014, 1:36 pm

    Everyone go read the sex article and comment! GO!

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest February 7, 2014, 1:47 pm

      I have the sex.

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    • the_optimist

      the_optimist February 7, 2014, 1:59 pm

      I was like…. are you talking about the mannequin article? Totally missed the first article. Reading now.

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    • avatar

      SasLinna February 7, 2014, 2:00 pm

      Wow, that article was long! I only skimmed it. I’m in what I would call an egalitarian partnership (and I intend to keep it that way), but I don’t fit the picture painted in the article. For one thing, I watch porn (gasp) and I have no interest in pinterest. I also feel that I have a partner who is both very similar to me and yet I am very attracted to him and would say that I was totally prioritizing the erotic when I chose him. Maybe I’m just lucky or we haven’t been together long enough for the boredom to set in, but for me the switch between (say) doing chores and discussing stuff as equals and then hopping into bed and have hot sex is pretty effortless. It’s like the erotic is its own field and relatively unaffected by whatever else is going on. We usually have sex regardless of whether we had a quiet evening, or went out, or were fighting or whatever. I’ll report back in 10 years though.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest February 7, 2014, 2:01 pm

        What kind of a woman are you?! No pinterest AND you like porn. Ftr, I like both in case Iwanna needs to know for her poll.

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      • avatar

        SasLinna February 7, 2014, 2:08 pm

        Haha, well maybe I could get into pinterest, but I’m certainly not giving up on porn. I’m not sure why women watching porn is never discussed, you and I can’t be the only ones. But this was just one way in which the article was stereotyping quite a bit. Btw it was written by Lori Gottlieb, the author of “Marry Him, The Case for Mr. Good Enough”.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest February 7, 2014, 2:20 pm

        Well, if you ever want to be married or have a real wedding, I suggest you sign up for that shit STAT.
        Re porn – I don’t get it either. Sometimes I think I probably watch more than he does.

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      • avatar

        snarkymarc February 7, 2014, 11:35 pm

        My wife has been hinting about watching porn together and I have to say I’m kind of ambivalent about it. We tried watching some soft core stuff together and it is just really boring. I think because I was raised to believe that porn was forbidden, all the fun is gone if we share it. I”m sure we’ll give it a try, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to enjoy it if it is sanctioned viewing.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson February 7, 2014, 2:09 pm

        I do, thank you for your participation.

        I differ from the women in the article in that very few things turn me on more than a clean kitchen. In case it’s not apparent, I am not being sarcastic at all. If Colin put on cleaning gloves and scrubbed the sink I would get very turned on. Same with vacuuming.

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    • avatar

      RedroverRedrover February 7, 2014, 3:34 pm

      It’s an interesting article – I’d like to see the numbers on happiness. It sounds like from the article, that even though the women are less sexually excited, that they’re happier. Is the same true for the men? If so, then I would say the trade-off is worth it. Happy is happy, not much can beat that.

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      • avatar

        SasLinna February 7, 2014, 4:11 pm

        True, and the decrease in sex frequency for being egalitarian is actually just 1.5 times per month. That doesn’t sound very significant to me.

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  • kmtthat

    kmentothat February 7, 2014, 3:53 pm

    The first article has me convinced, totally convinced in my gut – that I do not want to have children. The biggest issue for these so called “egalitarian” couples if that the stress of child rearing runs them down and there is divided attention and a high increase of responsibilities. It seems most of the unhappy egalitarian coupkes they talk about assume children in the equation. I wonder what it looks like for childfree egalitarian marriages?

    And as for the picking a partner that vacuums makes them less attractive…I feel like you pick a partner with the same core values and different interests and that keeps it going. There is enough individualization and mystery for there to be more attraction. So if you want to fish while I go to improv…awesome. But we both care about a clean house, so cool. Let’s get it done. And I’ll still want you constantly.

    I have so many thoughts about this, but really, the main take away for me was: definitely no kids.

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  • avatar

    snarkymarc February 7, 2014, 11:31 pm

    Well, that all depends on how often they are having sex. The average for couples married 5 years or more with two kids is probably less than twice a week, so 1.5 less a month is a big decrease. I thought the article was interesting. We all have our turn-ons. I’m sure lots of women are turned on by conventionally masculine characteristics in men. It make sense in egalitarian relationships these characteristics are more muted in daily life. But I think that just means couples in that situation should adjust. If your women wants to be spank, then give a good spanking.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark February 8, 2014, 12:24 am

    The mannequin photo shoot is pretty damn cool.

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  • avatar

    Lovelygirl February 9, 2014, 4:23 pm

    I definitely see a difference in my egalitarian marriage in that we don’t have sex as often as I had in other relationships. But I am the happiest I’ve ever been. So the trade off is worth it to me. And I know he feels the same way since I did discuss it this weekend after I read the article. We don’t have kids and probably won’t have kids.

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