Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Friday Links

Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

The problem is that [Jezebel and other white feminist media outlets] completely sidestepped the other glaring teddy bear in the room, and that is the commodification of black female sexuality in Miley’s performance. But it’s not a thing that white women deal with, so it didn’t warrant inclusion or discussion by the white-led mainstream feminist media. What Miley did last night was easily one of the most racist displays I’ve ever seen. From her insistence on twerking, to her use of all black women as literal props (they were teddy bears) to her smacking of her dancer’s ass and the simulation of rimming, it is very clear to me, that Miley thinks that black women’s bodies are to be enjoyed, devalued and put on display for entertainment purposes.

Read more in: “Solidarity is For Miley Cyrus: The Racial Implications of her VMA Performance”

“Ohio couple married 65 years die 11 hours apart” [via TODAY]

Yes to all of this: “To the Unwashed Masses of Mothers” [via Scary Mommy]

“I Love You But Sorry, I Can’t Afford to Celebrate Your Happiness” [via XOJane]

“Facebook isn’t making you depressed, but the internet is” [via The Verge]

Good to know: “How to Find Someone to Talk to When You Can’t Afford Therapy” [via LifeHacker]

A Brief History of How Living Alone Came to Seem Totally Normal [via The Atlantic]

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to [email protected] and if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

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127 comments… add one
  • iwannatalktosampson

    iwannatalktosampson August 30, 2013, 1:15 pm

    I’m curious about everyone’s thoughts on the racial implications of Miley Cyrus.

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    • avatar

      GatorGirl August 30, 2013, 1:17 pm

      I sent it in. The more I thought about it, the more I thought the authors basic point was spot on. Miley in essence used black women as props…how can that not be racist?

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      • dabbler

        dabbler August 30, 2013, 1:26 pm

        But are they props any more than any other backup dancers in the history of the VMAs, or pop performances in general?
        Didn’t like Brittany Spears or someone years ago walk on her dancers and stuff? That’s generally what they do with backup dancers, more or less.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl August 30, 2013, 1:29 pm

        Britney did walk on dancers- but it wasn’t one specific race of dancers that all looked like a same stereotype.

        Yes, dancers are props essentially, but seeking out one race to be your prop, a race that has historically been marginalized in this country, and even more specifically women of that race who’ve been afforded even worse treatment…I mean that’s off.

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      • dabbler

        dabbler August 30, 2013, 1:33 pm

        Fair enough.

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    • theattack

      theattack August 30, 2013, 1:22 pm

      I definitely think it’s racist based on using black women as props and in the context of her goal to become more black, or whatever she said.

      But I don’t think twerking as a white person is innately racist. It might be cultural appropriation from African dances, but I don’t think it’s racist for a white person to twerk anymore than it’s racist for a white person to play jazz. I thought it was odd that the author suggested that Miley couldn’t have grown up twerking. I distinctly remember that twerking and bounce was all anyone did growing up.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle August 30, 2013, 2:41 pm

        I’m glad twerking as a white person is not innately racist, because someone (also a white person…) recently taught me how to twerk, & now I can’t stop? (Sorry this is my only contribution to this discussion so far. I definitely agree with you about the racial elements in Miley’s performance)

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle August 30, 2013, 2:41 pm

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    • dabbler

      dabbler August 30, 2013, 1:22 pm

      I think it’s bullshit. Race never even crossed my mind while watching that disaster (on YouTube, because I was curious about what caused such a shitstorm). I think articles like that actually contribute to race issues than do anything to help/bring awareness/whatever the point was supposed to be. It’s like people are looking to invent reasons to be pissed off about stuff.

      I was more weirded out about the tongue thing. What is that about?? Ew.

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      • theattack

        theattack August 30, 2013, 1:25 pm

        Are you black? If not, it doesn’t surprise me at all that it didn’t cross your mind. That’s not the point.

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      • Copa

        Copa August 30, 2013, 1:26 pm

        Agreed! Down to the tongue thing, haha.

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      • avatar

        Jessibel5 August 30, 2013, 2:13 pm

        AMEN! Three times in the first 10 seconds of the performance, why bring it back into your mouth at all? Just leave it out there. Then continuously sticking it out. It’s so crass. Do guys find that sexy at all? Because I’m assuming that was what she was going for. Her dancing was just repeating the same things over and over again. Bend over, shake ass, stick out tongue, pump fist, do something crazy, repeat.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl August 30, 2013, 1:26 pm

        So, you don’t think there is anything wrong with the way she used black women as props?

        Race didn’t come to mind when I watched the train wreck, but it has stuck with me since. Overall I was more weirded out by the image of Beetlejuice being grinded on by a latex clad child.

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      • dabbler

        dabbler August 30, 2013, 1:32 pm

        Haha about beetlejuice.
        Honestly, I just don’t see it as using black women as props. I see it as using people as props, and in the context of pop princess performances? It just wasnt surprising to me, I guess.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson August 30, 2013, 1:28 pm

        See my thoughts were similar to yours (even down to the gross tongue thing) but I don’t know. I could be missing something I guess and don’t want to pop off about it if I’m wrong. I also watched it on youtube after the shitstorm and racist was probably one of the only words that didn’t come to my mind while watching it. Everyone thought it was super vulgar too and I don’t know – I guess I’m jaded because it seemed pretty par for the course for entertainment shows? I have seen way dirtier and vulgar rap videos – pretty much every single one actually shows dirtier things. And correct me if I’m wrong – I only watched about 2 minutes of the 6 minute youtube clip – weren’t the teddy bears in full costume? How did everyone know they were black women?

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        GatorGirl August 30, 2013, 1:34 pm

        Some of the bears where in full costume, some where black women with bears as “back packs”. Did you see the part where she slapped the woman’s ass and simulated oral sex? Or when she stuck the foam finger between her legs and trusted at the air? It was beyond inappropriate IMO. I don’t think I’ve ever seen an award show performance so vulgar. Videos, yes definitely, but not an award show.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson August 30, 2013, 1:37 pm

        I honestly don’t watch award shows because I just think they’re so boring. I mean I guess that’s vulgar but not really to be unexpected? I don’t know, I’m just not shocked at all. And aren’t those award shows all about shock value? It’s like Vegas on crack – anything goes.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl August 30, 2013, 1:45 pm

        I guess I just am really disappointed. In all honesty the rest of the show was CLASSY compared to Miley. JT, Lady Gaga, heck even Kanye West seemed to have leaps and bounds more couth than that performace.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest August 30, 2013, 1:46 pm

        Its not all that more shocking than madonna was years ago. I get that’s the point. But if her point was to be mature, didn’t work. I think the difference between being shocked by say, madonna, versus miley is that miley looks like a child.

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        TECH August 30, 2013, 2:09 pm

        And Madonna is just hands down a better performer. A one of a kind original. Most pop singers have just been imitating her for the past 25 years. Madonna has more talent in her fingertip than Miley does in her whole body.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest August 30, 2013, 2:17 pm

        Did bgm change his name to tech?

        Its all shock value I think. She was just the first to do it I guess.

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      • avatar

        TECH August 30, 2013, 2:20 pm

        Haha yeah, I guess I could see why it would sound like BGM. I just think Miley is pathetic and Madonna is more interesting.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark August 30, 2013, 11:56 pm

        The only shocking thing about the performance wasn’t the “SHOCK” attempts but rather how bad — as in hopelessly amateur — it all was. Pathetic. At best, this looked like the very first rehearsal at for a Madonna concert… (M rehearses for 10 or so weeks, so yeah, this Miley mess was fucking rough.) Just ghastly and so absurdly unsexy. That tongue. Ugh.

        Also, if you want people to think you are a sexy grown up, maybe set your number to something OTHER than Teddy Bears…

        Conclusion: Eh, I always thought Miley was a no-talent child of nepotism. NOW, I sincerely KNOW she is… Just awful, awful all around.

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      • dabbler

        dabbler August 30, 2013, 1:42 pm

        I just thought it was gross. Nothing about it was appealing in anyway. She looks like a little kid trying to prove she’s all grown up now, by being as lewd as she can be. Which is basically doing the opposite and showing how immature she actually is.

        I thought the reaction photos of the crowd were hilarious. Of course, a lot of them were faked, or showing reations that weren’t to her specific show, but still funny.

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      • avatar

        Grilledcheesecalliope August 30, 2013, 1:54 pm

        The article and the outrage about the racial aspect of the performance is more of a critique of the whole “new Miley” thing, she went from a girl who said she had never listened to Jay Z, to rockin a grill, twerking and saying how she wants her new sound to be more urban (read black). She’s using hip hop culture as her means to rebellion, and being utterly idiotic about the implications and her appropriation (example, when called out on Twitter she pouts and tweets “I know what color I am bitch”). She doesn’t have any connection to the culture she is currently stereotyping for money, not racially or economically. And the fact that Miley twerking is fine as long as she isn’t wearing spandex (this isn’t the first time she’s done) but black women have always been told that the way our bodies naturally move is vulgar, is just too much. It was interesting to see Miley and Macklemore on the same stage. Both are privileged white kids doing thing that are traditionally part of black culture, but Macklemore acknowledges his privilege while Miley denies and ignores it. End Rant.

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        tbrucemom August 30, 2013, 4:05 pm

        I agree. I didn’t think it was racist at all. Didn’t like it, kept thinking what a decadent society we have become when this is considered enterainment. The women were paid, probably very well to participate, no one made them do it. These accusations take away from true cases of racism. For that matter, I didn’t even think it was sexist. Like I said these women chose to participate. Just because someone who is a feminist doesn’t like it doesn’t mean it’s sexist if the people that are actually doing it do it of their own free will. Again, takes away from true cases of sexism.

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      • avatar

        Grilledcheesecalliope August 30, 2013, 4:11 pm

        Can I ask what your ethnicity is?

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      • theattack

        theattack August 30, 2013, 4:16 pm

        But who gets to decide when something is real racism or real sexism? Probably not the people who are privileged. IMO, men can’t tell women when something isn’t “really” sexist, and whites can’t tell minorities that something isn’t racist either. I don’t know your ethnicity, so maybe you’re not speaking out of privilege.

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      • avatar

        Nadine August 30, 2013, 5:03 pm

        Yes yes yes. And yes.

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay August 31, 2013, 11:18 am

        I don’t really have a lot of opinions on Miley’s performance or care very much (I didn’t watch, so I can’t say if I think it’s sexist or whatever), but I do have to say that just because the women chose to participate doesn’t make something not sexist. And I don’t think most people who were calling it sexist were saying so because they thought the women were being forced to do it for no money — I mean, that’s not sexism, that would be like kidnapping or slavery? I assume they were referring to the message it sends.

        And saying that it can’t be sexism is like saying that arguing that women shouldn’t get the right to vote wasn’t sexist because some women said they agreed with that statement (because some women did).

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        Nadine August 30, 2013, 5:02 pm

        So because race never crossed your mind, it wasn’t racist? See this is actually the problem. Just cos you don’t see doesn’t mean it aint there. In fact the very fact so many people don’t see it is the problem.

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      lets_be_honest August 30, 2013, 1:24 pm

      I barely watched it, and didn’t notice it was only black women. I guess its not possible they just happened to be the best backup dancers. Weird. Racist? Idk.

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      • theattack

        theattack August 30, 2013, 1:26 pm

        And not just black though. Black women who all had similar body shapes that are objectified and stereotyped allllll the time.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest August 30, 2013, 1:43 pm

        So not that its LESS racist, but do you think its different at all since those women signed up for this? Like, they weren’t forced to do it.

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      • theattack

        theattack August 30, 2013, 1:49 pm

        No, I don’t think that makes it less racist. It just means that she didn’t exploit those women, but it doesn’t change the overall goal and the message she’s sending. I’m not saying it’s racist on an individual level, but it is on a cultural level.

        Also, if a gig paid enough, I would subject myself to a lot of degrading things. I have no idea what those dancers were paid, but I think it affects the individual-level of racism if they’re paid too much or too little to do that.

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        lets_be_honest August 30, 2013, 1:52 pm

        Ok, makes sense. Separate racism from exploitation.

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      • theattack

        theattack August 30, 2013, 1:54 pm

        Yes, but I do think this is racial exploitation on a cultural level, just not on an individual level.

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      • avatar

        LT August 30, 2013, 3:21 pm

        The problem is that she is attempting to be “sexxxy” and she sees acting “black” is the way to get that message across. It’s not just that she has only black back-up dancers. It’s that she’s attempting to define blackness by aping the worst stereotypes, and using “black woman” as shorthand for “sex object.” It’s just…exactly what the worst white people have done to black women for centuries.

        Frankly, the whole foam finger thing was gross, but no grosser than expected. It was the fake rim job to the woman whose face was obscured by an animal costume was the gross part. Talk about using women as objects…

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      Christy August 30, 2013, 1:46 pm

      Honestly, I stopped watching the youtube video because it was so unbelievably racist. Women have been exploiting their own sexuality for some time now, and that doesn’t phase me anymore. You want to use your sexuality to earn money? Great. You want to reduce an entire race to one subculture? And exploit THAT to earn money? A historically exploited race? Not ok.

      There are two issues: Miley considering all of black culture to be ratchet culture, and Miley using what she thinks of as black culture to get attention.

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        lets_be_honest August 30, 2013, 1:48 pm

        Couldn’t you argue that the dancers themselves were exploiting each other by agreeing to do it for cash? I’m really curious what you guys think of that.
        I don’t even know what ratchet culture is.

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        GatorGirl August 30, 2013, 2:38 pm

        I hate the word “ratchet” when it’s used in reference to anything other than the tool. I guess I’m just out of touch and/or too white. Sorry if that offends anyone, but I honestly think it’s true.

        This article is well written about “ratchet” and the meaning now and historically.

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        Grilledcheesecalliope August 30, 2013, 3:56 pm

        Ratchet is still not completely a compliment, it’s like bitch -context based.

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        TECH August 30, 2013, 1:53 pm

        Having regrettably heard Miley Cyrus interviewed on multiple occasions, I don’t think she’s smart enough to understand the implications of exploiting herself and others to get attention and make money.
        The bar for legitimate art and entertainment has gone so low in this country it’s depressing. We keep giving attention and energy towards people who so clearly don’t deserve it. Sadly, Miley will get a career boost out of this. And the American consumer is to blame, because we’re just as dumb as she is.

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    • Miel

      Miel August 30, 2013, 1:46 pm

      I read the articles a few days ago and thought “oh that’s super interesting”, but then a friend of mine, who is black, really disliked the article. When I asked why, she basically said “why is hip hop or twerking “black cutlure” ?” Her point was that by saying “Miley is using black culture” it also means twerking, or whatever she’s doing, is a “black culture thing”. She took the example of a black person singing in a rock band. Would that be racist because the black person is doing a “white culture thing” ? So basically, yes, the dancers were used as props, but to say “they are black, they are twerking, it’s black culture” puts race where there shouldn’t be a race issue.

      I don’t know how I feel about that opinion, but… it made me think. Now I don’t know what I feel about the article.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow August 30, 2013, 2:23 pm

        The author addressed that, though – she said the other problem was that Miley was taking ONE aspect of black culture and just calling it black culture. Also, the rock band example doesn’t quite hold up since rock music has its roots in jazz and blues.

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      • Miel

        Miel August 30, 2013, 2:44 pm

        But how many rock band singers are black ? I can personally name one, and that’s all. However, nobody would say to a black rock singer “you’re trying to fit in white culture. It’s racist”, because we don’t define rock as “white culture”. I don’t know all the anthropological roots of twerking, but it still made me think “why is it wrong for Miley to twerk and be surrounded by black dancers… What would be different if it was one black person surrounded by white persons, doing something not typically associated with black person” ? Like… can’t we share culture across the different skin colors people have ? Why is that such a fine line to walk on ?

        And by the way, I don’t think Miley was respecting her dancers or anything like this. And I don’t think she understands “black culture” or whatever that mean. But for us, as the public, why do we interpret it that way ?

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      • theattack

        theattack August 30, 2013, 2:52 pm

        We don’t have to call rock white culture because basically all of the mainstream culture is white culture. And it’s not wrong for black people to participate in white things because white people don’t need culturally safe spaces from any other groups of people. All of society is our safe space. It’s a power dynamic difference. As long as racism and racial oppression exists, the black community has a right to form a cultural space that is their own away from the influence of the white majority.

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      • Miel

        Miel August 30, 2013, 2:57 pm

        I see. So basically, we need to let black people (and other minorities) have their own cultural expression, so not “everything” is white ? I guess I understand that explanation more. I know us french canadians are pissed off when the english canadians try to make everything “english”. We are the minority and we want to keep our culture as “english-free as possible”. I guess we wouldn’t like seeing an english singer surrounded by french artists “props”.

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster August 30, 2013, 9:17 pm

        I’m like super late to this party and probably won’t comment elsewhere bc you’ve said so much of what I’m thinking. But I’m loving your comments on this.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow August 30, 2013, 3:09 pm

        TA answered for me. But also, I don’t think rock is “white culture” anyway. It might be dominated by white people currently, but there have been lots of influential black rock artists. Chuck Berry is one of the pioneers of rock music.

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        LT August 30, 2013, 3:25 pm

        The article got a bit lost in itself, but the author has been clarifying over the past few days. Basically, white people rapping or singing the blues or whatever isn’t offensive unless the white people say, “LOOK HOW BLACK I AM, DOING THIS BLACK THING!” Particularly if it’s something associated with negative stereotypes of black people, like being overly sexual during dancing, without any positives, like having dancing skill. Basically, the offense lies with intent: if the intent is just to act “black” (whatever the definition), then it’s not OK. If the intent is to have fun while dancing or rapping or whatever, and you respect those who came before you, then it’s fine.

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      • theattack

        theattack August 30, 2013, 3:30 pm

        Really good points. I like that a lot.

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      Jessibel5 August 30, 2013, 1:54 pm

      One of the problems with Miley’s re-invention of herself (and something that’s been written about a lot) is that she’s appropriating an entire subculture. I’ve been saying for ages with her “twerking” obsession that it’s NOT twerking. Twerking involves a lot more body and butt control than what she’s doing, which is just bending over and shaking her ass, but is calling it twerking. http://www.fuse.tv/2013/08/big-freedia-miley-cyrus-twerk is another article that I found really interesting. The entire thing she’s doing lately seems more like an attention grabbing desperation act than anything else, and that’s what bothers me.

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        Grilledcheesecalliope August 30, 2013, 4:14 pm

        Exactly, Miley doesn’t even twerk.

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    • CatsMeow

      CatsMeow August 30, 2013, 2:13 pm

      Yeah, I think it was racist, although it admittedly wasn’t the first thing that popped into my mind while I watched it. I couldn’t get over the sheer stupidity of the whole thing. I mean, really, it was all just so STUPID. Her tongue, the bears, the song itself – ugh. All of it, ugh. I don’t even care about the “vulgarity” or blatant sexuality. That’s all good and fine, and I agree with those who are pointing out the hypocrisy of slut-shaming her and leaving Robin Thicke out of it. But yeah, overall, I’m just…. amazed sometimes at pop culture and the fact that there are people who are into some of that kind of shit. (Not ALL pop culture, but yeah, a lot of it just makes me go “wtf?”).

      Gaga was awesome though.

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      Addie Pray August 30, 2013, 2:14 pm

      I thought the race article was interesting, I liked it. I didn’t see Miley’s performance, just the few images circulating the web. What I found most disturbing was that no one seems to giving Robin Thicke anyshit for his role – a 36 year old man dancing with an almost-naked girl who is barely legal singing about the big dig dick he wants to give 2 her. As if it’s Miley’s fault.

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        Addie Pray August 30, 2013, 2:19 pm

        No just an almost-naked girl who is barely legal, but one who has her hair in little pony tails and is dancing around with teddie bears – even dressed as one at one point. SICK. SICK. SICK.

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      • Miel

        Miel August 30, 2013, 2:20 pm

        Actually my first thought was “This guy is married ! And he gets his junk pressed on a barely legal girl in underwear ? How is that appropriate ? If I was his wife, he would hear about it for years”. I think this was so inappropriate, and he should be old enough to see it. But you know… After the “Blurred line” video, apparently he won’t shock anybody anymore.

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        Addie Pray August 30, 2013, 2:21 pm

        Yea that too. There was an interview with Robin Thicke’s mom about disturbed she was about Miley…. Oh really, about Miley, and not your grown-ass son the father of your grandkids, but Miley, the idiot kid?

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        Addie Pray August 30, 2013, 2:22 pm

        * about ‘how’ disturbed she about Miley

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        TECH August 30, 2013, 2:23 pm

        Haha, I read that Paula Patton, who is Robin Thicke’s wife, was totally fine with the performance. (As they sit in their mansion and count their money.)

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        Addie Pray August 30, 2013, 2:38 pm

        Dumb idiots. Everybody’s a dumb idiot. (Except us, of course.)

        (I love calling people “dumb idiots” – i dunno why)

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow August 30, 2013, 2:29 pm

        Right? All while he’s singing about the “blurred lines” of consent. Ew.

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        lets_be_honest August 30, 2013, 2:31 pm

        Did you see the xojane article about that judge who said the 50 y.o teacher didn’t really do anything wrong in raping his 14 y.o student since she was “older than her chronological age?” Horrifying.

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        rachel August 30, 2013, 2:34 pm

        I saw another quote from him that was like, of course it was illegal, but I mean it’s not like a brutal, drag you off the street kind of rape.

        sigh.

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        lets_be_honest August 30, 2013, 2:38 pm

        http://www.xojane.com/issues/stacey-rambold-cherice-morales

        And something about her having as much control as him. A 14 y.o student having as much control as a 50 y.o teacher!

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        Addie Pray August 30, 2013, 2:40 pm

        Gross.

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        rachel August 30, 2013, 2:40 pm

        Yes! I read that yesterday, I thought it was a good article.

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        Addie Pray August 30, 2013, 2:37 pm

        what does that even mean, “older than her chronological age”? like, does it mean “has adult-sized boobs”? or “can solve differential equations?”

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        lets_be_honest August 30, 2013, 2:39 pm

        She seemed mature, I guess. Read the link I just posted. Its a fantastic response.

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        GatorGirl August 30, 2013, 2:40 pm

        That guy was a monster.

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        lets_be_honest August 30, 2013, 2:41 pm

        And apparently was a known sex offender PRIOR to this. If I were that mom, pretty sure I’d murder both of them and happily spend the rest of my life in jail. 30 fucking days in jail for raping a child. I can’t even.

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        GatorGirl August 30, 2013, 2:46 pm

        It’s ludicrous the judge isn’t being penalized for such a weaksauce sentence. What? Also I will from now on google all teachers/sex offender registry check.

        I actually had to check all of our employees against a sex offender registry because we’re doing a publicly funded project and we’re not allowed to employ anyone who is registered on the job site. It was weird.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow August 30, 2013, 3:11 pm

        Yeah. Sick.

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        painted_lady August 30, 2013, 4:28 pm

        It’s like the Hannah Anderson case, that 16-year-old who was kidnapped by the family friend after he killed her mom and brother. That whole thing is beyond horrifying, and I’ve heard/read so many people expressing the opinion that “something’s not adding up,” as if this poor kid had seduced this middle-aged guy and persuaded him to kill her family. It makes me so mad I can’t even see straight. She can’t consent! She has said she was creeped out by him, but she didn’t say anything because it would have made trouble in the family (grooming!), and even if she pursued, he’s a grown fucking man and it’s his job to tell her no.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark August 31, 2013, 2:14 am

        Actually, there IS a lot about that case that sounds off…

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        painted_lady August 31, 2013, 9:21 am

        Sixteen, dude. SIXTEEN.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark August 31, 2013, 3:12 pm

        Yeah, and all those texts… And those overnight trips… The whole thing is just strange, I’m sorry. Her parents were also TOTAL idiots…

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray August 30, 2013, 2:32 pm

        Exactly. Yet, not a word about Robin Thicke. I tell you, our society’s reaction to shit is worse than the shit sometimes.

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      • theattack

        theattack August 30, 2013, 3:17 pm

        I have seen a lot of backlash against Robin Thicke though. I hear a lot of people saying “Why is Robin Thicke getting away with it? He should know better!” There are so many people saying it that those people have created the response to him.

        Really though, I don’t care what either one of them do other than the racism involved. I don’t give a shit if Robin Thicke and his wife are cool with him grinding up on a consenting young adult, and if Miley wants to put herself out there like that, she should go for it. They both look ridiculous, but there’s nothing wrong with either one, IMO.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark August 31, 2013, 2:14 am

        It’s hard to have a backlash against somebody absolutely nobody cares about…

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        GatorGirl August 30, 2013, 2:33 pm

        You know, in all honesty, I think it’s because Miley is female and it’s “not acceptable” for women to act that way and Robin is male, and well of course he wants to rub his penis on a young girl. Although, I have to say, his contributions to the actual “dancing” where way less over the top than Mileys. He had one part where she grinded on him, and she paraded around stage for the whole 6 minutes twerking and simulating sex acts with a foam finger.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson August 30, 2013, 5:32 pm

        I think everyone needs to quit refering to her as a child – she is engaged! She’s 21ish. And what she was simulating oral sex? SHOCKING. No one in the entertainment industry has ever done this! I’m going to go put on my lace dress and drink tea and scowl about how offensive this is.

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      • katie

        katie August 30, 2013, 5:57 pm

        i agree. i mean sure, say this is offensive to women regarding the general sexualization of women, bla bla bla, but dont put this particular incident up as something that is somehow worse. that makes no sense.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow August 30, 2013, 6:15 pm

        Yeah, it’s not the sexual nature of the performance that bothered me. It’s just hypocritical that she got called out for it when he didn’t. He didn’t do much, though…. except sing his rapey song while letting her grind on his dick. And she didn’t do anything I wouldn’t see a drunk girl at a club do.

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    TECH August 30, 2013, 1:29 pm

    That article about Miley Cyrus is really interesting. However, her style of dancing is nothing new. Pop stars have doing it for years. Arguably, with the inception of Rock N’ Roll back in the 50’s, you saw large scale commodification of black female sexuality. Let’s not give her an unwarranted amount of attention.
    The only real threat I saw with Miley’s performance is her lack of talent. She’s an attention whore will precious little to offer in terms of skill, orginality, or ingenuinity.
    But that’s old news.

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      TECH August 30, 2013, 1:31 pm

      *with precious little

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark August 31, 2013, 3:13 pm

        That was the WORST dancing I’ve seen in a long time, talent-wise. It was almost like a mean spirited SNL parody of Miley but somebody who absolutely loathes her. Just flat out awful…

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  • avatar

    lets_be_honest August 30, 2013, 1:29 pm

    So this will probably sound really fucked up, but that couple who died hours apart, there is a part of me that wishes my grandpa passed quickly after my grandma. He is just so sad and lonely now, like he doesn’t have a place in the world. He has alzheimer’s, so even when he forgets she’s gone, he will say things like he feels he is missing something big, talks about a sense of loss. When I stay with him overnight, I keep a baby moniter next to my bed and I stay up all night listening to him talk to her about how much he loves her. Its dark and he doesn’t realize she isn’t there. Seeing his reaction the first time we told him she died was the most heart wrenching thing I’ve ever seen in my life. I think that couple was lucky.

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      GatorGirl August 30, 2013, 1:32 pm

      Yeah, now I’m crying. I can’t even imagine that kind of loss.

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        lets_be_honest August 30, 2013, 1:34 pm

        Sorry! They were just the best couple I’ve ever witnessed. That intense love you feel, the butterfly moments, early in a relationship…they never lost that. It was pretty incredible to see. I used to sit at their kitchen table and every half hour he’d say to me, isn’t she the prettiest woman you’ve ever seen, and she’d blush and say oh Frank, you are the most handsome I’ve ever seen. At 80+ years old! Still flirting and blushing!

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson August 30, 2013, 1:38 pm

        Seriously crying. Why would you do that? It’s a friday. I am so jealous of that kind of lasting love, I don’t think it exists. Or at least isn’t in the cards for me and 95% of the rest of the world 🙁

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        lets_be_honest August 30, 2013, 1:39 pm

        Sorry! Sorry! I didn’t mean to upset everyone. But yea, peter’s great, I still can’t imagine THAT kind of love forever.

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      • Copa

        Copa August 30, 2013, 1:40 pm

        Aw. I wanna still be in lurve and blushing when I’m 80.

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    • theattack

      theattack August 30, 2013, 1:35 pm

      I’m sorry, LBH. That has to be really difficult to watch, especially with Alzheimers. I can’t even imagine that pain. Have you had to remind him that she’s gone, or have you decided to lie about it?

      I understand the feeling of kind of wishing they had gone together. I wish that all the time for my grandfather too, although I’m grateful to be able to appreciate the time I’ve had with him more. It’s painful to know he cries almost all day every day, and I hate to see him giving away all of his stuff because he thinks it’s all pointless without her. I wish he didn’t have to suffer in his last years. So, I feel you on kind of secretly wishing that happened. I hope you can try to think of it as a chance to appreciate him on his own for a while.

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        lets_be_honest August 30, 2013, 1:42 pm

        We don’t lie about it. It might not be the decision I would make, but its not really my call. My mom and her siblings have decided to be honest about it. Since I’ve already made everyone cry, I won’t go into what that is like every day (reminding him she’s gone). What I’ve done though is have him dictate a letter to her every time I’m with him and have to remind him. Or I’ll ask about their wedding day which, amazingly, he can remember as though it just happened. And then he’ll talk about their first date after that and by then he’s happy again.

        I’ll try to focus more on my extra time with him, that’s a good idea.

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        Amy August 30, 2013, 3:47 pm

        This reminds me of my great grandparents. When he died my great grandmother had just moved into a nursing home. She was there for a little over a year before she passed. But I remember one time going and visiting her with my grandpa. She asked my grandpa “How’s Dad doing” My grandpa just responded “Well – he’s the same…” It was really sad. I wish they had passed away together too. I’m sorry your grandpa is sad. But it’s so neat that you can get him to remember those happy special times.

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    • SixtyFour

      SixtyFour August 30, 2013, 3:08 pm

      That doesn’t sound fucked up at all. At least not to me. I have had the same thoughts about my grandparents. They are still alive, but I secretly hope that they will die together. I don’t think one could survive without the other. Last year my grandmother was in the hospital for 2 months, and every day my grandfather was so anxious and lost. He couldn’t even do the most basic stuff without her. He was so worried. He would sit at her bedside every single day and just hold her hand. We had to almost force him to go home at night or out to eat. And I know my grandmother would be the exact same way if it were the other way around. She would be so lost without him.

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  • avatar

    lets_be_honest August 30, 2013, 1:32 pm

    Love the mom letter. I keep this quote on my to do list on my phone:
    “If we mums could harness the energy of our intentions and worries, we wouldn’t need fossil fuels.”

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    • BriarRose

      BriarRose August 30, 2013, 2:21 pm

      The mom letter totally made me cry. Great quote too. So true!

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    ktfran August 30, 2013, 2:13 pm

    I just read the mom letter. Is it weird that I’m 33 and still think my mom can fix everything? Like, last year I fell and totally cut up my knee (not scrape, deep cut that is still scarred) and the first thing I did was call mom and ask what to do. Or, when I’m having a horribly rotten day, I call my mom to vent and somehow that makes it better? Or, I can’t decide what I want for dinner, so I call and talk it through with my mom? Or that my first Thanksgiving with my ex and his family, I cried because it wasn’t my mom’s? Is it weird that I’m 33 and still think my parents are invincible? Probably.

    I think I need to call her now and say thanks.

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      lets_be_honest August 30, 2013, 2:25 pm

      I don’t think its weird at all. How sweet!

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      Jessibel5 August 30, 2013, 2:54 pm

      I totally call my mom to make things better too. Cooking questions that I can find the answer to on the internet? Nope, answer’s better coming from mom! Husband did something that I can’t believe? Call mom, my husband and my dad behave so similarly sometimes that she’ll know what to do! Asking if it’s ok to take a Sudafed AND a Tylenol together (or almost any drug interaction?) Mom knows! She’s way less scary and less likely to turn you into a hypochondriac than the internet!

      Mom also makes it safe to feel feelings. When my boss died in April, I held my shit together and was like “I can get through this, I’m fine!” Then when I called my mom and told her, it totally started the waterworks the second I heard her voice. Cried for an hour. Then SHE started crying because she was so sad for me! But she made me feel much better. And now I need to tell her I love her, but maybe I’ll text that because she likes looking at the “I love you” texts.

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        ktfran August 30, 2013, 3:09 pm

        Oh my gosh, I totally ask my mom OTC medicine questions. And I have a friend who is a pharmacist and her husband is an ER doctor. But mom is better.

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  • kmtthat

    kmentothat August 30, 2013, 2:15 pm

    Pretty sure I could have written the XO Jane article….though that scares me to write after the last wedding related thread…

    I love everyone, but let’s collectively stop spending SO MUCH EFFING MONEY on weddings in general.

    Annnnnnnd it Friday!

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      Addie Pray August 30, 2013, 2:23 pm

      Touchee, touchee

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      • kmtthat

        kmentothat August 30, 2013, 2:27 pm

        I may be a tad extra sensitive as I’m helping my frantic best friend deal with an extra 50 guests RSVPed for her wedding that 16 days away. Why there are people that get an invite addressed to them and only them and decide to invite their girlfriend of 3 months, 3 children, and parents is beyond me. I hate to say it’s a cultural thing, but crap, it totally is.

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        lets_be_honest August 30, 2013, 2:28 pm

        How is it a cultural thing? Just curious what culture you mean, since I feel like lots of people do that.

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        Addie Pray August 30, 2013, 2:41 pm

        well, kmen is a sexy, sassy, spunky Mexican so maybe she’s speaking on behalf of all sexy, sassy, spunky Mexicans?

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        lets_be_honest August 30, 2013, 2:42 pm

        Kmen is hot. I saw that meetup picture.

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      • kmtthat

        kmentothat August 30, 2013, 2:45 pm

        I do indeed speak for my brethren…I also grew up 15 minutes away from the border, so the cultural influence is heavy. People will RSVP whole families and not go…bring their own food, etc. Mind you the wedding is at a very nice winery…

        And you guys are awesome hahaha! I sure hope the men of Chicago think I’m a “sexy, sassy, spunky Mexican!”

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        GatorGirl August 30, 2013, 2:49 pm

        Ok so question…if it’s a cultural thing then why wasn’t it expected?

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      • kmtthat

        kmentothat August 30, 2013, 3:15 pm

        Eh, because she made a point of telling people it was a small (50ish) person wedding and it’s a 1.5-2 hour drive away from the city. I was surprised they weren’t clearer on the invitations or had better instructions on the wedding website. Regardless doubling the numbers was pretty surprising. But what’s done is done at this point…

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        GatorGirl August 30, 2013, 3:20 pm

        I wasn’t trying to be rude or anything, just if is the norm…I would expect the norm? KWIM? I’m sure it’s super annoying to deal with now.

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      • kmtthat

        kmentothat August 30, 2013, 3:51 pm

        No I agree, you should know they type of people you are inviting and generally be able to anticipate some things, which is why she excluded cousins in Mexico who are notorious for this type of thing, but then she has some very unexpected people pull it. I think you can’t just say it’s normal for people to be rude and over book by double though, you know? I’m glad they were able to handle the increase…I’m still a little sad the venue won’t let us have sparklers though 🙁

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        GatorGirl August 30, 2013, 3:59 pm

        Sparkler horror story. At my SIL’s wedding a year and a half a go, they did the sparkler exit and one of her drunk bridesmaids THREW a lit sparkler at her. Yup, a lit sparkler at THE BRIDE. Luckily the only damage was a small hole in the back of the dress, but we elected for fireworks instead of sparklers partially for that reason. Also because I love fireworks.

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        ktfran August 30, 2013, 2:50 pm

        I’m impressed with how good looking the Chicago DW girls are. Oh wait.

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        painted_lady August 30, 2013, 4:33 pm

        Ktfran, I don’t know what I was expecting, but you’re suuuuper hot. Well done!

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        GatorGirl August 30, 2013, 2:43 pm

        She needs to put her foot down and say no. Seriously. She should call and politely say “I’m sorry for the miscommunication, but your invitation was only for you and Johnny, we can not accommodate the additional guests. Please let me know if the two of you would like to attend.”

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      • kmtthat

        kmentothat August 30, 2013, 2:47 pm

        That’s what I told her! Or I offered as the MOH to call people myself. Her hubby is like “don’t worry about it, the more the merrier” and the venue let them take a bigger room. Fortunately they make really good money so it isn’t a financial push (the wedding is only at 110 people now) but still making her panic for things like extra flowers, food with the caterers, etc.

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      Jessibel5 August 30, 2013, 2:47 pm

      I had to put a moratorium on weddings for 2013. This summer I got two wedding invitations. There were no save the dates and both were e-mail invitations, both were only 6 weeks advance notice. The first one is 6 hours by plane and the second one is 5 hours by car. The first one is on a Sunday, so I’d have to take Monday off, and the 2nd one is on a Monday, so I would have had to take Monday and Tuesday off of work, not to mention hotels, rental car for the first one, gas for the 2nd one. I decided that I had to choose one and stick with it. The first one is for my best friend, so I picked that one, and I’m spending over a grand. I’m ok with this and am excited to go. This girl is my soul mate that I don’t smooch. But it also has kind of killed the chance that I can go to any other weddings in 2013, especially ones that require travel/hotels without a few months notice. I get saving money by not sending save the dates, but if you know you’re going to have people traveling long distances, can’t you shoot them an email a few months in advance to say, “hey, just an fyi, wedding’s going to be here at this time, I’d love to see you!” Then I would start saving up!

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      • kmtthat

        kmentothat August 30, 2013, 2:54 pm

        I agree. It’s just a tough thing because people don’t always have the final guest list ready for awhile. but your BFF mayyy have wanted to mention it a tad sooner.

        I am just hoping that I have a blast at the wedding in San Diego next month! My dad is extremely close with my BFF and is walking her down the aisle and doing the father daughter dance with her (I had a like a week of being jealous and then I realized how amazing it was to be able to share my Dad!!) We are both competitive with our speeches and wat to outshine the other haha. And i am trying to be extra super tan so I don’t look weird in the bright yellow dress I’m wearing.

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  • kmtthat

    kmentothat August 30, 2013, 2:49 pm

    Also, in exciting news, my kitty has decided she wants to try swimming! She keeps sticking her paws in her refilling water dish and paddling. I filled up the bath tub a little bit and she jumped right in and started playing. She’s soaked. It’s so damn adorable.

    And that’s how hot it is in Chicago today…kittens are jumping in water voluntarily!

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    • theattack

      theattack August 30, 2013, 4:18 pm

      Omg, please post a picture!

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  • mylaray

    mylaray August 30, 2013, 3:43 pm

    Things like that wedding article make me feel sad that so many weddings are so expensive for the hosts and the guests. We’re not rich by any means, but I don’t want the people who I WANT to be there to feel weighed down by money. I’m in no way saying this is something others have to do, but part of budgeting for our wedding includes the costs of making sure our guests can get there if they really need some help. We’re already spending more money on a party than we’ve ever spent, I feel like it just makes sense for us to help out. I’ve had to choose which weddings to go to before when I can only go to so many and it sucks. I wish there was an easier solution, but I have friends all over the place, which I think is much more common these days since technology helps us maintain these friendships better, but it’s hard when you can’t be everywhere and do what you want for your friends.

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  • avatar

    HmC August 30, 2013, 4:21 pm

    Oh lord I am in love with the person who wrote this first comment on the wedding article:

    “I AM SO. FUCKING. SICK. of these god damn wedding posts. Don’t come, do come, bring a gift, don’t, I don’t fucking care, just stop talking to me about it for the LOVE OF GOD AND ALL WE HOLD DEAR. That is my wedding gift, in advance, that I never have hear another human being on XoJane whine about going to weddings, or not going to weddings, or whatever. I WILL WRITE YOU THANK YOU CARDS
    I’m in a “Pinteresting my drunken barn wedding” mood today, and this is not going to put me off it. Don’t come, more bourbon swan for me. YOU’LL MISS THE GAYEST COUNTRY JAMBOREE.”

    Bah haha! Yes. Of all the people I know that have gotten married in the past few years, the ones that found the topic of their wedding and/or weddings in general to be super interesting and cared a lot about all the planning and details were ironically the least classy people (they also tended to have the least money, but not always, and to be clear I do not think that money=classy). Like they have something to prove. Which is why the whole wedding industrial complex thrives on way overpriced tacky shit. My favorite couple of all time (who also happen to be very well off) just eloped to Vegas, and tonight they’re having people over for massive amounts of paella and wine. And they asked that no one bring gifts. Love them.

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  • katie

    katie August 30, 2013, 5:43 pm

    i have so many thoughts about the miley thing.

    first- was she drunk/high? that HAD to be the first time she pulled out those moves. i mean it had to be- what set manager/creative director/choreographer saw that in the dress rehearsal and went “YES. MILEY- THE TONGUE. GENIUS. GIVES US MORE!!”?? i just cant imagine that happening. i have a feeling that the moves she pulled she busted out at that moment, and her manager and the VMA producers and set people were just cringing, watching the trainwreck that she produced.

    second- i did not immediately think it was racist, but that is because i am a privileged white person and i recognize that. i understand that i live in a world where under-the-radar racism like this just happens, everyday, but im not the intended recipient so it just goes over my head. after reading that article (which i sent in too, GG, haha), it was like -mind blown. and i do think it had much more to do with the overall “new miley” like someone said above more then *just* this performance. what would we be saying to miley if she was trying to be more “native american” with her music, or if she used all native american women, ect? i think even that would have been more “obvious” racism, which is so sad, because that means that black racism is just normal.

    and third- i dont think that the performance was particularly raunchy or whatever- it was no different then any other pop performance, except there was a severe lack of talent. at least when other female pop stars go all “slutty” they still look decent doing it…? like, instead of that god awful nude bathing suit thing, there was britney spear’s see through except for her naughty bits that were bejeweled number. or the “slutty” dancing- i could just name any other female pop star who can dance better then miley did. so i dont think it was particularly bad in that regard, she just doesnt really have any talent. i cringed for her just like i cringe at the poor drunk girls at the club who just cant dance.

    4th- i just felt really bad for those back up dancers who had to wear bears that were like 2 times their size. if it were me, i would have been like im a professional dancer and i have to WEAR A BEAR? and dance? are you fucking with me?

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