Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Friday Links

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Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

Related to a recent discussion topic: “How to Have Great Sex in a Gender-Equal Marriage” [via Policy Mic]

“The Countries Where Men Do the Most Housework” [via The Atlantic]

Stages of Winter Rage [via NPR]

“28 College Students Explain Why Feminism Is Important To Them” [Buzzfeed]

“Female Pilot Has Perfect Response To Passenger’s Sexist Note” [via HuffPo]

“What Is Your Brain on Pot?” [via The Atlantic]

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to wendy@dearwendy.com and if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

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58 comments… add one
  • avatar

    bethany March 7, 2014, 1:07 pm

    I can vouch for the stages of winter rage. Anyone who’s friends with me on FB will see almost the exact same progression!!

    Just fucking be warm already!!!!!

    ps- I just got the math question wrong! omg, I’m embarrassed.

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    • honeybeenicki

      honeybeenicki March 7, 2014, 1:28 pm

      Haha, that is not an accurate description of my stages of winter rage. Nowhere from me would anyone ever hear about how great snow is. I think the nicest thing I have to say about it is that it can be pretty if I’m looking at it from a distance and I don’t have to walk or drive on or near it. I’m a little ridiculous with my winter/snow/cold hatred. I really should have moved to AZ when I had the chance. I don’t belong in WI.
      BUT it is accurate of a ton of my friends and family.

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    • avatar

      rachel March 7, 2014, 1:29 pm

      I think I follow the stages pretty well, though these days it doesn’t take that long to get from “pretty!” to “snow…again???”

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  • theattack

    theattack March 7, 2014, 1:19 pm

    Wow, I’m shocked that US men supposedly spend 82 minutes a day on housework. Shocked. Not even close in my home.

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    • othy

      othy March 7, 2014, 1:30 pm

      I don’t think we spend 82 minutes a day combined in my household. Maybe on Saturdays when we do laundry? But even then, we eat out so weren’t not spending time cooking/doing dishes.

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      • theattack

        theattack March 7, 2014, 1:38 pm

        Wow, really?

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      • avatar

        rachel March 7, 2014, 1:39 pm

        Yeah…I mean I’ve admitted to being less particular about cleaning on here before, but I can’t even imagine spending 82 minutes a day.

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      • theattack

        theattack March 7, 2014, 1:44 pm

        I don’t think it’s just cleaning though. I think it’s all housework. I’m not the cleanest person either, but I reach that easily by myself.

        Cooking dinner – 45 to 60 minutes
        Putting away leftovers and cleaning up the dining area – 5 to 10 minutes
        Unloading and loading the dishwasher – 10 minutes
        Washing anything leftover – 5 to 10 minutes
        Folding a load of laundry – 10 minutes
        Putting away that load of laundry – 5 minutes
        Scooping the litter boxes – 5 minutes
        Walking the trash/litter to the dumpster – 10 minutes

        All of that is 95 minutes, and that doesn’t even include things like vacuuming or dusting or cleaning a bathroom.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl March 7, 2014, 1:49 pm

        I wonder if cooking is included? I wouldn’t put it in the “housework” category myself…feeding myself is it’s own category in my eyes. The article doesn’t specify.

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      • theattack

        theattack March 7, 2014, 1:53 pm

        Oh really? I like cooking in theory, but it’s definitely a chore to me after a full day of work. And it’s definitely part of the labor in a household that has to be divided somehow. I’m also assuming that things like chopping wood or mowing the grass would be included too. It would be nice to have it specified.

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      • lemongrass

        lemongrass March 7, 2014, 2:18 pm

        Meals definitely count as housework. I don’t even want to try to add up how much housework I do in a day.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl March 7, 2014, 2:51 pm

        Here’s my rational for why cooking doesn’t count- I have to feed myself daily as part of taking care of myself, staying alive, etc. I also have to shower, go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, etc. So everything related to those tasks, including food prep, I would put more in a “self maintenance” category than a house work category. GGuy totally agrees with y’all though.

        I also couldn’t really find in that article their source. I think it’s the OECD people, but I couldn’t find the info on their site. It would be nice to know what housework meant for the purpose of the study.

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      • avatar

        rachel March 7, 2014, 1:54 pm

        Yeah, I guess when you include cooking it makes more sense, though a lot of that stuff doesn’t happen every day.

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      • theattack

        theattack March 7, 2014, 1:56 pm

        The only thing on that list that we don’t do every day is taking out the trash. Everything else is daily for us. The stuff that isn’t daily (like vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, cleaning the bathroom, etc.) I didn’t list.

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      • avatar

        rachel March 7, 2014, 2:00 pm

        Well, like I was thinking cooking is definitely not an hour every day. We (um okay usually Ross) usually cook for more than one night, and leftovers take way less time to cook, and have fewer dishes.

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      • theattack

        theattack March 7, 2014, 2:04 pm

        Oh, well that’s definitely true. We don’t cook every day either, but I have to do it most days because P eats everything in one sitting. No matter how much I cook we hardly ever have leftovers. If you count a day when I’m not cooking the time is definitely slashed.

        But then still, I’ve been trying to do one weekly or semiweekly chore a day too. So add forty five minutes of vacuuming or cleaning a bathroom, and it’s still that much.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl March 7, 2014, 2:08 pm

        Do you make up plates in the kitchen or do family style? They say for portion control it’s better to make up the plates in the kitchen. (if you care at all, not everyone does)

        We usually cook specifically with the intention of having left overs, so I’d be annoyed if it all got eaten.

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      • theattack

        theattack March 7, 2014, 2:13 pm

        Yup, we almost always make plates in the kitchen for that reason. We also bought smaller plates to try to fix it. Believe me, I get VERY annoyed. Especially when I’m starving, and I go to pull out the leftovers the next night only to be surprised that there’s nothing there. Then I have to start cooking when I’m already hungry and didn’t have anything planned. And it’s not exactly nice to tell your husband to stop eating so much. Meal planning has not been working well for us for this reason.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson March 7, 2014, 2:50 pm

        But can’t you just cook like double? I find it hard to believe he doesn’t have soooome food limit, haha.

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      • theattack

        theattack March 7, 2014, 3:01 pm

        That’s when I’m already cooking for like three nights though. He even admits that he actively tries to eat everything that was prepared, no matter how much it was. Like when I cook chicken, I usually make four breasts, leaving three for him and one for me for the next three nights. I cut mine up and split it for the next three nights, expecting him to eat one breast a night. Instead he’ll eat two and a half of the breasts in one night (plus lots of everything else too) and make himself sick. It’s really ridiculous, and we can’t afford to spend even more money on groceries. I have tried nearly everything from cooking only just enough for one night so he can’t overeat to cooking for an army. Meals and meal cleanup are by far the things that tax our relationship the most. haha

        I remember you saying that Ethan used to eat all of your leftovers too though, so surely you know how that happens!

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl March 7, 2014, 3:10 pm

        That’s so not okay. He makes a point to over eat? That’s not healthy and honestly something that a doctor should be consulted about.

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      • theattack

        theattack March 7, 2014, 3:15 pm

        I don’t think he needs to see a doctor about it. I think he just needs to stop fucking doing it. It’s a self control problem more than anything. I really didn’t comment to complain about him at all. haha It just all devolves into what happens with our labor every day.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson March 7, 2014, 3:17 pm

        Yeah no he would all the time. He was a garbage disposal, and never gained weight it was crazy. But I guess we never fought about it because I like cooking, I am not one of those people that are protective over left overs (unless we’re talking about Hacienda’s chicken burritos – which he knew I would kill him for) and I just made a lot of food.

        It kind of almost sounds like an eating disorder? Like over eating to the point of being sick all the time is not healthy or normal. I thought he was like Ethan and just had a really freakishly high metabolism.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl March 7, 2014, 3:21 pm

        I know that wasn’t the point of your post, but disordered eating is a real thing. It’s not always as easy having a little self control. I’m not trying to be a jerk, just food for thought. Disordered eating is a sensitive topic for me, so I’m going to drop this.

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      • avatar

        Ella_ March 7, 2014, 3:22 pm

        Theattack, what if you just make the plates and immediately package the leftovers into tupperware for the next day and put them in the fridge?

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      • theattack

        theattack March 7, 2014, 3:24 pm

        GG, I’m not trying to be insensitive about eating disorders. I never said they weren’t real. I didn’t even know over eating could be a disorder.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl March 7, 2014, 3:27 pm

        I know you’re not trying to be insensitive. And yes over eating can be an eating disorder. It’s a sensitive topic for me since I had (well have since it never really goes away) and ED in high school/college. It very well might just be a self control issue, or it could be something bigger. So just wanted to put that out there.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle March 7, 2014, 3:29 pm

        OKAY so, like. I know you don’t want to talk about this anymore TA haha, but if he’s actually telling you, “yeah I try to eat ALL OF IT nomnom” then do you respond in any way? Like do you say, “oh honey no, actually, I’m only cooking this amount so ~we have leftovers for the week~ so can you save some please?” (or maybe you can immediately put half of what you make into the refrigerator?) If then he’s like, “no I still have an URGE to eat it all! Must eat everything!” then yeah, that sounds disorder-y. But maybe it’s just him not understanding he doesn’t need to clean the plate & everything on the table? I dunno.

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      • theattack

        theattack March 7, 2014, 3:37 pm

        Yeah, I’ve said that to him many times, Fabelle. And then I make him very aware when I’m pissed off about having to cook again the next day too. He knows in theory. I think he just forgets about it, or he ignores the effort it takes to cook again or something. I don’t really know. I’ve asked him before if it’s okay for me to make his plate and then put everything away, but he thinks it would feel like I was his mom or something, so I haven’t tried that yet.

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      • theattack

        theattack March 7, 2014, 3:38 pm

        And this anonymous down thumber is really starting to piss me off. Fuck you, down thumber.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl March 7, 2014, 4:01 pm

        See that’s exactly why my alarm bells are ringing. He knows it’s wrong, it upsets you, throws off the plan, etc etc but can not stop himself from doing it. I don’t think he is intrinsically a dick (based on everything else I know about him) so that’s why the disordered eating alarm went off.

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      • avatar

        muse March 7, 2014, 4:03 pm

        Just chiming into support Gator Girl and say that I too have a history of disordered eating. I used it as a sense of control and while I love food, abstaining from it during chaotic periods gave me a sense of control. If his over eating is causing him pain and he’s not eating because he’s hungry, then yeah its disordered eating because of the psychological component.

        If he’s hungry-like ravenous-by the time dinner is served he needs to eat more well spaced smaller meals during the day to avoid this. He is seriously harming his health with this and being ‘his mother’ might actually be whats needed in this scenario. A normal portion of chicken is 3 oz. Here is a visual guide to serving sizes I use to help me determine if i’m within health guidelines:

        Hope that helps!

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest March 7, 2014, 4:06 pm

        I can go crazy eating sometimes, but its not an every day thing, so yea, if its every day eating like that, I could see being concerned. Plus its rude, no? He knows you need/want that food and you are the one cooking it. That shit would not fly for me.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl March 7, 2014, 4:07 pm

        Thanks Muse!! My issue was always based on control issues too. Glad you’re doing better now too!

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      • theattack

        theattack March 7, 2014, 4:10 pm

        Thanks for the link, muse. I think I’m going to use that a lot.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom March 8, 2014, 2:12 pm

        Have you tried telling him that the extra is for tomorrow and you’re not going to cook tomorrow so if he eats his food before then he will have to come up with his own dinner tomorrow? Then, if he eats it don’t cook anything. You can make a joking or friendly comment along the lines of “I see you’ve already eaten dinner,” or “Looks like you’ll be cooking tonight.” Then don’t worry about it, leave him to come up with his own dinner. If coming up with his own dinner bothers him he’ll start leaving the food in the refrigerator and if it doesn’t he’ll continue eating his dinner early and then happily find something else to eat at dinner time. Either way, you can relax and let him make his choice and live with his choice.

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      • avatar

        bethany March 7, 2014, 1:54 pm

        I wouldn’t count cooking either. Some days I will spend 5 minutes doing housework, other days I’ll spend 2 hours on it.

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      • othy

        othy March 7, 2014, 1:54 pm

        We typically cook meals that take less than 30 minutes, with about 10 for washing up (loading/unloading the dishwasher, storing leftovers, etc). Cat litter’s about 5 minutes a day. We do 2-3 loads of laundry a week, which amounts to about 30 minutes of joint work (so 60 total for the week).

        Then there’s the other jobs (sweeping/mopping/vacuuming), but we live in a small house so it only takes 20 minutes or so to do the whole house.

        So, my high estimate would be about 60 minutes total housework minutes per day? Total, with it split probably about 35 minutes for me, 25 for Othello (most of that is the cooking vrs clean up time, since Othello doesn’t like to cook).

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest March 7, 2014, 2:00 pm

        I’m the opposite of you and I don’t spend 82 minutes a day cleaning. How is that possible? I guess if you cook for a really long time?

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl March 7, 2014, 2:03 pm

        Right?? I’m a clean freak and the actual cleaning part of my day is maybe…20 minutes? I wouldn’t include cooking in my personal reporting, but if you did it might take us 30 minutes on average. So 50 minutes a day? Plus maybe 2 hours on the weekend? Maybe we just clean efficiently?

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      • theattack

        theattack March 7, 2014, 2:06 pm

        Well, I don’t know how you guys live in your homes, but I guess things just get really nasty in our apartment. We make lots of messes.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl March 7, 2014, 2:11 pm

        Looking at your list…the whole pack up left over/load dishwasher/wash dishes part take us maybe 15 minutes total? So yeah, idk just different ways of doing things?

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest March 7, 2014, 3:14 pm

        I’m a speed cleaner, so maybe thats it?

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      • avatar

        Ella_ March 7, 2014, 3:21 pm

        My boyfriend is the opposite! He may spend longer cleaning than me but that’s because I clean a bathroom in 20 minutes and he takes 90 minutes. I honestly have no idea what takes him so long.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest March 7, 2014, 3:24 pm

        Oh, then I guess that makes the 82 min thing make sense. But its dumb to say that its 82 min because someone is super slow, right? Like, I COULD take 6 hours walking a block, but I don’t. haha

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl March 7, 2014, 3:29 pm

        Omg it take GGuy like 30 minutes to clean the toilet. IDK what he does, and I don’t ask because it’s his job…but really?

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      • avatar

        Ella_ March 7, 2014, 3:29 pm

        Oh totally. It is so frustrating to me for some reason that I would rather just clean the bathroom and have it be done instead of having to wait around for him to do it. So, he does the chores I hate doing and if he cleans the kitchen or bathroom, I just go do something else and close the door and try not to think about how long it is taking.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest March 7, 2014, 3:22 pm

        Still though, this say only ONE member of the household spends that much time, so if its even, I don’t get it at all. Unless you are crazy slow to the point of incompetency, how can it take almost an hour and a half A DAY? Are these men throwing food on the walls?

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      • avatar

        Ella_ March 7, 2014, 3:31 pm

        I have no idea! I am a clean freak and love to clean but I speed through things. Maybe people vacuum every day?

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest March 7, 2014, 2:22 pm

        I heard a line that went something like this: its easier to keep a clean house clean than to clean a dirty house or something. Lil says duh when I tell her that though.

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      • mylaray

        mylaray March 7, 2014, 2:29 pm

        Yeah I figure it’s easier to spend an extra few minutes to put my stuff away when I get home/make a mess instead of letting it pile up.

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      • avatar

        rachel March 7, 2014, 2:11 pm

        Haha, this makes me feel better.

        And…worse? Because maybe I should just suck it up and clean more if it doesn’t actually take that much time!

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  • othy

    othy March 7, 2014, 1:24 pm

    I’d love to see an addition to the countries/chores graph, with how many minutes per day women spend on household chores for the same counties. Like, do people in Slovenia simply do more chores overall? Or is it that the men are decreasing women’s workload? A male to female ratio by country would be more informative to me.

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    • avatar

      rachel March 7, 2014, 1:28 pm

      Agreed! For instance, in countries where dishwashers are more common, I bet the total number is lower.

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  • mrmidtwenties

    mrmidtwenties March 7, 2014, 1:26 pm

    I enjoyed the article How To Have Great Sex in a Gender-Equal Marriage, but found the title unrelated to most of the article

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    • theattack

      theattack March 7, 2014, 2:33 pm

      It definitely wasn’t instructive on how to have great sex (or any sex), that’s for sure. I enjoyed the article, but I found it severely lacking in an examination of sharing paid labor. I could believe Gottlieb’s position that couples have more sex in marriages with labor divided traditionally, but household labor is only half of that. It seems pretty obvious that it won’t work if you examine couples in which both work outside the home, and you then deconstruct only the household labor to skew it all toward women. Household labor AND paid labor would need to be examined in traditional and equitable ways to come to any conclusion.

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      • avatar

        RedroverRedrover March 7, 2014, 3:26 pm

        That study was ridiculous anyway, I read the whole thing. The non-equal couples were having sex like one extra time per month. Sorry, I’d rather have my husband split the housework with me than have one extra sex session a month.

        Not to mention that you’re absolutely correct, theattack. The study didn’t take into account what the total amount of work was for each person. I actually worked out the numbers, and according to the study the women in the older dataset were actually doing almost twice as much work as the men. So yeah, if men take on more housework, it means they are taking on more *total* work. They’re lightening the woman’s load so that it’s more equal. And I’m sure we all know that a tired partner is a less randy partner. That’s just how it goes.

        There’s no way that study’s peer-reviewed. It’s absolutely awful. Just crap made up to grab headlines.

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  • mylaray

    mylaray March 7, 2014, 2:10 pm

    I’m half Slovenian. Sadly my husband is not.
    .
    But in all seriousness, I don’t think I measuring chores by minutes is an accurate description at all. Living spaces vary a lot, the list of chores varies a lot. Also my husband is home during the day more than I am so he does a lot each day (~a few hours) but for couples that are out of the home more, 30 minutes a day might be a lot and that could be equal for a couple.

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