Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Friday Links

Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

“What Happens When 20 Strangers Are Paired Off And Asked To Kiss? Magic” [via HuffPo]

“Millennials in Adulthood: Detached from Institutions, Networked with Friends” [via Pew Research]

“Princeton mom says ‘it’s all on women’ to find husbands, to be in control” [via Today.com]

I love this: “I met you the day before John died.” [via StoryCorps]

Related: “How to actually “marry smart” [via Salon]

“‘Hi, I’m right here’: An open letter to Paul Ryan about poverty and empathy” [via Salon]

I’m guessing some of you can relate to this one: “My Life as a Retail Worker: Nasty, Brutish, and Poor” [via The Atlantic’

“Buy less, do more: 5 reasons why experiences make us happier than things” [via Salon]

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to wendy@dearwendy.com and if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

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81 comments… add one
  • avatar

    kerrycontrary March 14, 2014, 1:57 pm

    I like the Salon article. Especially the part about dating guys who are so obviously mistakes. Just don’t KEEP dating them for forever unless you want the constant drama. I’m also a big supporter of younger bachelorette-hood and living on your own and supporting yourself and being temporarily broke. But I know not everyone’s life takes that path.

    Also, my mom always told me to find someone to marry in college. And I kind of resent that advice and wish she hadn’t. I understand what she said it, because she met my dad when she was in college and they got married at 20 (!!!) and she doesn’t have any other perspective. And it IS easier to meet people in general in school. but I’m certainly not going to mention anything about a “husband” if I’m blessed with a daughter and she’s going to college. I stayed with my “college boyfriend” longer than I should have. Finding someone to marry wasn’t my main focus, but it shouldn’t have been a thought at all! And I ended up finding the person I’m going to marry at the very last second of college, right before my graduation. But I wasn’t looking for him, or for a husband, by that point. I didn’t even think I would see him again after a few weeks. I was convinced I was going to be single until I was 28 (and I was looking forward to it!!).

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    • GatorGirl

      GatorGirl March 14, 2014, 2:06 pm

      I actually really didn’t like the article. Maybe it’s because I started dating my now husband at 22? Other than the part about educating yourself, it’s like a big pity party (her words) should be thrown until you hit 30, and then just marry a nice guy that comes along. Huh?

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      • avatar

        Kate March 14, 2014, 2:48 pm

        Yeah, I didn’t get the part about “marry your friend that you weren’t into before but now you realize you are.” I mean, how often does that really happen, and why is that being billed as “how to marry smart?” I feel like I’m missing something. I do agree with the part about learning to be alone first, which I skipped and had to do later.

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary March 14, 2014, 3:22 pm

        I don’t think she’s saying “you have to live your life this way”, I think she was just saying “this is one way to live your life and still end up with a great husband” in response to Princeton Mom. I mean I met my fiance at 21 but I still had a lot of the same moments on her list (except for the bad sex in my 20s, there’s no reason to have bad sex. and it only takes a few weeks to start to learn someone’s body. so I don’t think amazing sex is only reserved for marriage. that’s silly)

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    • Portia

      Portia March 14, 2014, 2:08 pm

      Dude, my parents met when they were 10, at camp. Every year before I left for camp my mom would wax poetic about how wonderful camp was and you never know who you’ll meet. My fourth year of camp, I switched to an all-girls camp. No married or formerly-married person should give any unsolicited advice about where to meet a future partner. Can we make this a rule?

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    • Portia

      Portia March 14, 2014, 2:12 pm

      Also, the “faking orgasms” advice? Horrible! Dan Savage would be appalled!

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      • theattack

        theattack March 14, 2014, 2:15 pm

        Yeah, that was bad.

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    • theattack

      theattack March 14, 2014, 2:14 pm

      It didn’t resonate with me at all, because people do things differently, and there are thousands of ways to end up happy. I can appreciate that this was one person’s way to get there though.

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray March 14, 2014, 2:18 pm

      I haven’t read the article but I read your comment about your mom telling you to find someone to marry in college…. and it got me thinking: when i was growing up, there was never ever any emphasis on dating – nothing at all! No talk about the right kind of guy, the wrong kind of guy, the ideal guy, when and where to meet him, nothing. And I actually kind of resent that. Because I grew up really just not expecting to need any guy – not that your mom telling you to meet a guy in college means she was telling you you need a guy – but, I dunno, like I never dreamed about my wedding or thought about what kind of guys I’d meet in college, etc. Anyway, and I kind of resent that. Because I never really took dating seriously. And I should have. And I never really tried that hard. And I wish I had. Because the truth is I like being in a relationship and I wish I had made that more of a priority. When/if I have a daughter, I want to figure out a right balance – not make her feel like she needs to have a man but well damnit all to hell catching a good one before they all get taken is not such a bad thing! I also want to teach my daughter to, like, not be so crass because I think my mom screwed my sisters and me. Because I dunno something tells me dudes don’t really want to listen to me talk about poo…. I mean, not that I’m crass per se. But, I don’t give off that girly dainty delicate vibe. That’s it, I want a girly dainty delicate vibe. I also want a cold and ruthless but regal vibe like Claire Underwood from House of Cards. I want to be elegant and feared. Ok, this weekend I’m coming up with a new persona for myself.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest March 14, 2014, 2:26 pm

        Did she talk to you about guys when you started dating? Or were dating someone already?

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray March 14, 2014, 2:58 pm

        Nope, never. She never says anything about it at all. No talk about sex, protection, marriage, weddings, nothing. The only sex-related things I’ve heard her and my dad say is you should just know yourself, be smart, sex is healthy and fun, but that’s it. Just general things like that – not even lectures, just things they say in passing, but nothing specifically directed to me or to any particular relationship. And still nothing about relationships – those few things were more about sex. Sometimes she asks questions that date her, like “so, going steady with anyone special?” But otherwise, it’s like she just trusts my judgment and trusts me to know what I’m doing and trusts I’ll, you know, introduce her to him if I feel it’s appropriate. Idiot. (Really, idiot. I think my siblings and I all find ourselves in not the best relationships and/or alone.)

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest March 14, 2014, 3:01 pm

        Hmm, this is really interesting to me because I’ve tried to not talk about it either, although I guess I’d give advice if she were dating someone, but at the same time, I could see thinking I trust your judgment, etc. and you are very smart Addie, so I get why she would feel like you’ve got it under control. Why don’t you ask her for advice some time? Or ask about how she knew your dad was the one she wanted to spend her life with. I love hearing about those things from older relatives and then you can kinda pick and choose what you like about what they said for your own life.

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray March 14, 2014, 3:08 pm

        It’s funny, I get a little nervous just thinking about asking that question to my mom. That shows how awkward talking about relationships is in my family. I also kind of feel like the ship has sailed. I mean, sure we could talk about it now, but I wish in my formative years we had talked more about dating, how fun it is, how it’s good practice to figure out how to rely on someone while still being strong and doing all the things you want and how to figure out how to communicate your needs. I wish “good, healthy relationship” and all the practice needed to get there was more emphasized, more of a “good goal to have” and encouraged in my family. But it wasn’t. It was more like a “meh, only silly girls focus on boys! You don’t need a boy! Just focus on school” sort of thing…. and the consequence was I kind of believed them. They tricked me!!!! I dunno, I don’t think I’m explaining it well but it’s just something I’ve noticed lately – I think all my siblings and I are just not good at those things and we haven’t had the practice needed and I guess… well, I guess i blame my mom, ha. I’ve told her so too. When we were on a road trip last fall I told her that she really screwed me over b/c I’m 35 (well, then 34) and an idiot when it comes to dating. She said oh well, at least you have a good job and you’re nice to your family; it was too hard to cover ALL The bases so i picked the ones i thought best. She’s funny when she’s drinking.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest March 14, 2014, 3:34 pm

        I’m really glad you shared this. Thanks!

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      • LlamaPajamas

        LlamaPajamas March 14, 2014, 3:40 pm

        If it makes you feel any better, the only sex talk my sister and I got when we were growing up was that we’re not allowed to have sex before we get married and if we do we won’t be allowed to have a white wedding. When my parents found out that my sister was having sex with her boyfriend the summer after her freshman year of college, they forbade her to go back to school until she “got her life back on track with God”. No joke. She ended up going back for her sophomore year and finishing college (and now she has a PhD) but she lost financial support from them and they basically thought she was ruining her life. We weren’t allowed to date until we were 16 and we were never allowed to be alone with guys in isolated places (e.g., their apartments), but they also constantly warned us against getting married too early and making the same mistake they did. Those were some serious mixed messages. So my sister and I never learned how to date normally and really resent the baggage we carry regarding sex and how to interact with men. I have a lot of pathetic/funny dating stories from my 20s and just started figuring things out in the past few years, then I met Mr. LP last year when I was 32. We both enjoy talking about poop so I think we’re a good match. We were talking about what kind of secret signals we could give each other when we look at rental townhouses so we can indicate whether we want to apply immediately or get the hell out, and he suggested farting in the dishwasher as the signal that we don’t like a place. I hope you find a guy who appreciates your Moose poop stories (which are hilarious, BTW)!

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest March 14, 2014, 3:47 pm

        Oh boy! My mom would never entertain the idea of bringing us to the gyno for birth control. Guess she learned that lesson the hard way lol.

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      • LlamaPajamas

        LlamaPajamas March 14, 2014, 3:50 pm

        Ha! I’ve always had serious problems with my period and finally got up the nerve to ask my gyno for birth control to help with that before I went to college. My goal was not having to worry about bleeding heavily while living with roommates in a tiny room but she was convinced I just wanted to have lots of sex and harassed me about it a lot. Oy.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest March 14, 2014, 3:53 pm

        Yep! Same with my sister…who I had to secretly take to the gyno.

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary March 14, 2014, 3:20 pm

        AP–that’s so interesting to me thanks for sharing. My mom didn’t put TOO much focus on it other than finding someone to marry semi-young, but my grandma focused on traditional roles as women and relationships a lot. But she got married at 16. Also I watched a lot of soap operas starting at age 3 which gave me a kind of screwy view of relationships. I wish my parents had talked a little more about what a “healthy” relationship is, but they modeled a healthy relationship so I guess that’s even better than talking about it.

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      • sobriquet

        sobriquet March 14, 2014, 4:03 pm

        My mom was the same way, AP. My dad was even worse. My mom is the epitome of a woman who doesn’t need a man (not that she would ever say that). I just think there are so many valuable things you can teach young teens about dating and feelings and what not and I got none of that. That’s just not how my family is. We barely HUG and when we do, the hugs are half-hugs.

        I also wouldn’t fathom talking about relationship problems with her unless the relationship was over. My mom has her doctorate in psychology and would totally psycho-analyze the fuck out of any guy I was with if I gave her enough information. She is a massive help after bad relationships end, however. It’s incredible. I moved in with her after my ex assaulted me and I’d update her about communication (his crazy texts and emails that weren’t crazy at first) and she’d break it down for me and explain exactly what he was attempting to achieve. She explained the crazy to me!

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      • sobriquet

        sobriquet March 14, 2014, 4:07 pm

        Oh and to put things into perspective: I was too terrified to tell my mom I started my period whenever I was 12. I waited 4 months and then wrote a note to her and taped it to her bathroom mirror so she would see it. A few years later when I got my first yeast infection and thought I somehow got an STD (through oral sex?!), I was also too terrified to bring it up. So I dealt with horrendous itchiness for 3 weeks until I again wrote her a note and taped it to her bathroom mirror.

        I was an anxious teen, let me tell ya.

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  • mylaray

    mylaray March 14, 2014, 2:17 pm

    That Marry Smart article was interesting and I liked some of what it had to say. But I can’t get on board with faking orgasms being a good idea. I resent the idea that sex has to be horrible in your 20s or that sex is always awful with hookups. It doesn’t have to be amazing, but I don’t like the negative view the writer has. I’m not apologizing for someone not getting me off and I’m not going to stroke someone’s ego either. I don’t care if it’s a one night stand, I’m all for showing/telling someone how to get me off. And if it doesn’t happen, I’m not going to take the “blame” for it by faking.
    .
    I got married young-ish, but I didn’t focus on finding someone by X age. It was mostly luck. And I’m not for or against marrying young because some people are ready, and some people aren’t. But I enjoyed her points of working really hard, being on your own, and “becoming the man you want to marry — or rather, the woman the man you want to marry will want to marry.” I think no matter what age you marry at, those things are really important.

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  • katie

    katie March 14, 2014, 2:46 pm

    ok, i think the “marry smart” article was like, satire. like i think she was describing her life, or just various random details of her life, that all added together help to shape who she is, who is now a happy person. like in a funny way, to say, no go ahead- make all the mistakes. do everything “wrong”, and it’ll end up ok.
    .
    i actually like that, i think its really poetic and real-life. i think that going along with some weird book about “checklist of things to do to get x thing” is not realistic at all ever, if we are talking about intangible life things, like getting married. you can do everything “right” according to all the different people who think they have a handle on the proper steps to take to get things, and you can still fuck it up. i like the above approach better.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest March 14, 2014, 2:53 pm

      Oh good! I thought it was satire too, but only skimmed it and everyone started commenting as though it wasn’t.

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    • GatorGirl

      GatorGirl March 14, 2014, 2:58 pm

      I have such a hard time figuring out subtle satire. Because honestly, I think this could be real advice too. You know?

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      • katie

        katie March 14, 2014, 3:15 pm

        i feel like i have a hard time with it too- but i guess i saw it this time? lol i dunno.

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    • mylaray

      mylaray March 14, 2014, 2:58 pm

      Yeah, that’s true. I thought it could be satire, but wasn’t sure. But I see so many women who think faking orgasms is a good idea so the writer shouldn’t joke about that.

      But yeah, I do like how she said it’s okay to make all the mistakes. That’s a good point.

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    • avatar

      kerrycontrary March 14, 2014, 3:14 pm

      WKS. I think it was in response to what the Princeton Mom wrote. I really think she was saying “you can do all this shit wrong and live a messy life and still find a great husband so ladies in your 20s who are single you are NOT doomed to be alone forever if you don’t find someone in college”

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  • GatorGirl

    GatorGirl March 14, 2014, 2:52 pm

    I only skimmed the “Buy Less, Do More” article but I really like the premise. We’ve been in a big shift the last two years from pretty materialistic/status concerned to a more simple, experience driven lifestyle and I have to say it’s pretty awesome. I’ve stopped obsessing about little materialistic details and we’ve focused on doing more things. We’ve also had a big shift in our thinking relating to being environmentally conscious and trying to be a lot more knowledgeable about what we put in our bodies. And I think the term “Stuffocation” is hysterical.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest March 14, 2014, 2:54 pm

      I love that term! I get anxiety when there’s too much shit around. Purging is great.

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    • avatar

      kerrycontrary March 14, 2014, 3:16 pm

      OMG THIS. So this weekend I was telling a girl about how I live in a studio and I got the nastiest reaction from her. Like she was absolutely floored that I could live in 400 square feet with 1 (ONE!) closet. She was like “we’re in 1000 square feet with 8 closets and we’re bursting at the seams”. which to me is NOT something to be proud of. Like you’re bragging to me that you filled your apartment up with just shit that you probably don’t need? I’m proud of minimalist lifestyle and not buying crap that 1) I don’t need and 2) won’t fit in my apartment.

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      • muchachaenlaventana

        muchachaenlaventana March 14, 2014, 3:35 pm

        ha ew, was this in D.C. because if so, not surprising.

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary March 14, 2014, 3:39 pm

        Yup. And I mean, my studio is soooo affordable for the DC area. I am so proud of myself for living alone and be able to pay my bills and support myself. I mean the rest of our friends aren’t this way so I chalked it up to her being a jerk. But my fiance and I are both anti-stuff and I think that’s a good thing.

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    • katie

      katie March 14, 2014, 3:39 pm

      gg, i sent that one in… read the whole thing!! it it super interesting, and he said that as a society we are past the point of “stuff saturation”, meaning that our culture is going to value “stuff” less and less (after valuing it so much at an increasing rate for so long). im excited for the future!

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl March 14, 2014, 3:43 pm

        I will this weekend! I just have way too much to do. I can’t wait for materialism to die out. I’m tired of people thinking it’s a BFD because Kate Middleton wears an outfit more than once (the horror!) or that I’m cool carrying the same purse for 3 years because it still works. I’d SO much rather spend our money on trips, visiting family, etc.

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    • avatar

      RedroverRedrover March 16, 2014, 11:08 am

      I’d like to buy less, do more, but one of my big hobbies is knitting, and it comes with a lot of gear. Same with guitar-playing. I keep thinking we should dial down the material possessions and get a smaller place, but then where would all my yarn go? And I need room to have two guitars, a chair, an amp, and a music stand set up. I also have a lot of books that I reread all the time, and that I don’t want to repurchase as e-books to save space.

      So question, out of curiosity – for all of you who live in a small place and aren’t crowded, what are your hobbies? Do you go out a lot? Are any of you introverts? It seems to me that an introvert would have a hard time in a small place, unless their hobbies were all electronic (gaming, movie-watching, ebooks, etc).

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  • theattack

    theattack March 14, 2014, 3:01 pm

    I am in love with the poverty article. Seriously.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest March 14, 2014, 3:05 pm

      I hate when doctors or dentists guilt trip you for not coming enough…when you are sitting at their office. It makes me never want to go again. I wish she had told him the truth to shame him. I know that’s not the point of the article in general, but it got me upset for her.

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      • theattack

        theattack March 14, 2014, 3:13 pm

        That was infuriating for sure. I’ve always wondered if one of the reasons dentists have such a high suicide rate is because they see so many people who can’t afford their services. I’ve always imagined they feel some sort of existential worthlessness that spirals into a horrible depression. His comment makes me think that’s probably not true.

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary March 14, 2014, 3:18 pm

        I have no shame in saying “I didn’t have dental insurance” or “I can’t afford that” and my dentist is actually great about it. He backs off the second I say “i can’t afford it” (my teeth are screwy) and I really appreciate that.

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      • theattack

        theattack March 14, 2014, 3:23 pm

        There are so many people who don’t have dental insurance that I’ve never been embarrassed about saying it. I can imagine that someone living in poverty would struggle with admitting that more though, because they might think of it as a mark of their poverty and not something that even middle-class people can struggle with.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest March 14, 2014, 3:24 pm

        You’re lucky. I took Lil to the dentist way back when, long before you could even tell whether she’d need braces in the future, and the dentist was trying to talk me into some thing that will eventually be needed prior to braces (under the assumption that I guess everyone needs braces?). Anyway, as I’m explaining I’ll hold off til its actually necessary or am told she actually needs braces, the guy goes ‘you don’t want your kid to be one of those kids that has a bad smile, do you?’ And says this right in front of her. Asshole. First, no one has a “bad” smile jerkoff, and I already told you I can barely afford the dentist, but yea, explain to my 3 year old that mommy doesn’t give a shit about her and now she’ll be ugly. Ugh.

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      • theattack

        theattack March 14, 2014, 3:31 pm

        That’s just horrible. Holy shit.

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary March 14, 2014, 3:33 pm

        I had a dentist (not my current one) once say to me “OK, but don’t come crying to me when you have crooked teeth on your wedding day”. WTF. First of all, my bottom teeth are slightly out of alignment but not noticeable. Second, I had 8 YEARS of orthodontics. If that didn’t make my teeth perfect, nothing will. I don’t understand dentists who just assume everyone wants or can afford a perfect smile. I’m fine with my teeth, they’re the ones who aren’t.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest March 14, 2014, 3:35 pm

        Its very bizarre, and pretty much the worst way to drum up business if that’s their goal.

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      • BriarRose

        BriarRose March 14, 2014, 3:48 pm

        My daughter (unfortunately) inherited my very weak enamel and is super prone to cavities. When she was about 4 we were at the dentist and the dentist noticed she was already starting to have issues and said to me, “You know, you actually need to brush her teeth every day”. I was floored! He went on to tell me that he hadn’t seen a dentist for the first time until he was 18 but didn’t have any cavities because he brushed daily. How nice for him! Needless to say, we never went back.

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      • theattack

        theattack March 14, 2014, 3:56 pm

        That drives me crazy. I’ve received the same comments from dentists before when it’s purely genetic. I even had some of my teeth grow in without any enamel at all, and I’ve gotten so much crap for it from dentists and hygienists.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest March 14, 2014, 3:57 pm

        Grrrrrr

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      • Miel

        Miel March 14, 2014, 4:55 pm

        My dentist always wait until he is elbow-deep into my mouth to say “you should remember to floss everyday” and then all I can say is “ahhahhwahhahhahwahhahha”. What I’m trying to say is “but I DO floss everyday !!!” but I can’t so he keeps thinking I’m just messy.

        Last time I went, I sat on the chair and I said “ok, I DO floss everyday ! I just want to put that out there ! Now you can look at my teeth”

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      • avatar

        bethany March 14, 2014, 3:27 pm

        My dentist offers a program for people w/o dental insurance. It’s 2 cleanings/exams, x rays, and then a 15% discount on any work you need done for under $300/year. It’s nice to see people making programs like that available.

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    • avatar

      Kate March 14, 2014, 3:12 pm

      @TA, it is good. Did you read “Nickel and Dimed?” I was obsessed with it.

      My husband grew up in poverty and is scared of going to the dentist for the same reasons as the woman in the article. And doesn’t like to smile. 🙁

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      • theattack

        theattack March 14, 2014, 3:14 pm

        No, I haven’t read that, but it’s going straight on my To Read list right away. Poverty is one of my favorite topics.

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      • avatar

        Kate March 14, 2014, 3:21 pm

        I bet you will love it. I read it like 4 times. I don’t know if you know the premise, but the author (who was middle-aged at the time), moves to 3 places – Florida, Minnesota, and Maine, and takes minimum wage jobs as a waitress, Walmart employee, and maid, and talks about her experience trying to live on what she makes. Amazing. And of course she finds it’s NOT possible to live on a minimum wage job.

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      • theattack

        theattack March 14, 2014, 3:29 pm

        That’s sounds like a really relatable way to describe poverty instead of just theoretical calculations.

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      • avatar

        bethany March 14, 2014, 3:22 pm

        I read that years ago… It was really good.

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    • mylaray

      mylaray March 14, 2014, 3:21 pm

      I loved it too. I wish everyone knew what it really is like to be poor. There really would be a lot more empathy and less pointing fingers.

      Also, I became a stripper when I was 18 so I could afford a complete set of dental implants. They were too messed up to fix otherwise, which is just sad because at that age, teeth shouldn’t be that messed up if you have the money to go to the dentist regularly. Making that kind of money felt like my only way out at the time.

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    • GatorGirl

      GatorGirl March 14, 2014, 3:24 pm

      I’m so confused reading this…Overtime pay has very clearly defined rules around it, and it doesn’t sound like he ever met any of them. Also, I would assume he was getting paid to stay past the “9pm quitting time” so he was getting compensated? Maybe I’m missing something…

      edit- just got to the “wage theft” part…being ready to work at the designated time isn’t wage theft. He clocked in late and was reprimanded, that makes sense to me. He took a long break and was reprimanded- this actually happened to me last night at Kohls. I was covering a 30 minute break for a register person. She finally came back 50 minutes later which put me way behind on my responsibilities. I like a lot of his points about it not being a living wage and the general shit retail workers go through, but I just don’t get some of this. And I work it regularly right now.

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      • theattack

        theattack March 14, 2014, 3:32 pm

        I don’t think we’re talking about the same article? Are you talking about the letter to Paul Ryan?

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl March 14, 2014, 3:36 pm

        hahah no. okay I thought you where talking about the retail article which ALSO talks about poverty a bit. whew.

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary March 14, 2014, 3:36 pm

        So in terms of wage theft, I think he was saying that in retail or a lot of PT jobs they expect you to be there actually 10-15 mins early, but you aren’t getting paid. And I think he was getting paid to work until 9pm, but then not paid for additional work afterwards which included cleaning, taking out the trash, etc….which is probably an hours worth of work.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl March 14, 2014, 3:40 pm

        Well if he wasn’t getting paid after 9pm and still required to work, than yes that is theft. And he should have reported it to the company HR because big companies like that are actually super concerned with following federal laws.
        .
        I’m “required” to show up to Kohls with enough time to put my things in my locker, get my name tag on, and clock in when my shift starts. I’ve worked in 3 different retail companies and 5 different stores in 3 different states and that’s been the policy. I don’t see how that’s “wage theft” that you need to have time to put your stuff away when you get there…

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      • avatar

        bethany March 14, 2014, 3:49 pm

        Yeah, I mean when I worked retail, we clocked in and on the registers. You clock in when you’d go out onto the floor to begin your shift, and you clock out on your way out the door. if anything the 5 minutes that you’re there early to get situated evens out with the 5 minutes at the end of your shift when you’re getting your crap from the back before you walk out the door.

        One time our gate broke and we couldn’t get out of the store, and you’d better believe we all got paid for the hour we sat there trying to get out of the store.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl March 14, 2014, 3:52 pm

        Yeah, IDK I just felt like the whole thing was him whining about how shitty retail is. Duh. I’m not a fan of spending hours on my feet on concrete cleaning up after other people, but it’s what I’m paid to do.
        .
        Last night was fun though because I got to help a man pick out a bikini for himself!

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        bethany March 14, 2014, 3:53 pm

        Yeah, like he’s making a big fuss about bag checks…. Ummm, doesn’t EVERYONE in retail do bag checks? I mean the pat down is a little much, but it’s pretty standard.

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        bethany March 14, 2014, 3:57 pm

        Ok, he’s making me mad. He says: “Mop the floors in the bathroom, replace the toilet paper and scrub the toilets if necessary. Vacuum. Empty the garbage. Wipe down the glass front doors, every night, even if they don’t really need it. It was all part of the job, done after your shift has ended but without overtime pay.”
        *
        He’s making it sound like he’s doing all those things off the clock, which is clearly illegal. But I’d bet my ass he really just means that those things are done after the store closes. Our store closed at 9, but our closing shift was until 11, because all that stuff needed to be done. And anyone who’s ever been to the mall realized that in like 85% of stores you do not sit unless you’re on break. Duh.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl March 14, 2014, 4:01 pm

        Yeah I didn’t get that part either. If they where not paying him that’s obviously illegal and he should have dealt with that. If he’s just mad he doesn’t get to go home when the store closed…um well that’s a great joy of retail, hanging out in the closed mall doing remedial tasks! And there are TONS of jobs you don’t get to just sit down during, so whatever about that.

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        lets_be_honest March 14, 2014, 4:04 pm

        That was maybe the worst part about waitressing. Finally closed and you still have to stay another half hour at least.

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        bethany March 14, 2014, 4:07 pm

        AND– Later in the article it clearly stated he was working about 30 hours a week. Why would he expect to be paid overtime? I know at Express you only got overtime when you worked over 40 hours/wk. Working after the store closes doesn’t entitle you to overtime. Idiot needs to learn what the word means.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl March 14, 2014, 4:11 pm

        Right?! He talks about 6 hour shifts and less than 30 hours a week. Neither of which qualify for overtime…

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl March 14, 2014, 3:58 pm

        Kohls doesn’t do bag checks! I was floored! But yeah AE and Hollister did bag checks and we couldn’t put our coats on before leaving, they would check the pockets that way (rather than a pat down). Some one from my Kohls was actually arrested recently for stealing stuff! He got caught going into the fitting room and putting clothes on under his clothes!

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        bethany March 14, 2014, 4:02 pm

        I have to stop reading it. It’s making me REALLY mad. This guy sounds like a whiny shithead, and I can’t stand it. Working retail is hard work. Unless you work at that stupid hat sore, Lids. It seems like they never do anything there. You have to stand, you have to help people, you have to hustle and work quickly. You have to deal with asshole customers who talk down to you all the time. The hours start early, and end late, especially at holiday time. You cant’ take an extra long break because your co-workers suffer if you do. If everyone comes back from lunch 10 minutes late, think about how long the person to go to lunch is going to have to wait. You can’t come in late for a 2pm shift, because someone else’s shift ends at 2pm, and they need to leave. Maybe they have to get to class or pick up their kids. This guy is just an idiot and I can’t take it.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl March 14, 2014, 4:07 pm

        hahahah. That’s pretty much how I feel. (I’m also begrudgingly going into Kohls almost 2 hours!!! early so this other girl can leave to pick up her kid. I do not want to stand for 6+ hours tonight!)

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      • avatar

        bethany March 14, 2014, 4:11 pm

        This article should have been called “Whiny Entitled Man Works Retail and Realizes That he Has no Clue How Hard a Good Chunk of People Work for Very Little Money”

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    • katie

      katie March 14, 2014, 3:35 pm

      geez that was heartbreaking!
      .
      also, i hate dentists. sorry to anyone who is a dentist but i have never had good experiences with them. like, ever. i havent been in a loooong time, because i hate them.

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  • Dear Wendy

    Dear Wendy March 14, 2014, 3:47 pm

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  • mandalee

    mandalee March 14, 2014, 3:49 pm

    I loved that Salon article so much. It touches on so many things that really bother me with how people view poverty. My parents and many of the people in the town I grew up in (probably about 50-60%) were at the poverty line, below it or just slightly above it. However, I still remember the dirty looks when we used food stamps when I was a kid, at a time when both my parents were working 2 jobs each. My dad grew up even poorer and I remember him being so embarrassed about going to the dentist as an adult because my grandmother never took him as a kid because of finances and his teeth were in bad shape. I mean, do dentists honestly think people choose to not keep up with their dental hygenie? It really bothers me how doctors/dentists/etc view people that are lower income. I had a mom go off on a rant about “lazy, poor people on Medicaid” at a playdate in the rich neighborhood I nanny in and I was really uncomfortable because although I may be “middle class” now, I knew many people on Medicaid growing up that were anything but lazy and not poor by choice.
    .
    Part of the reason I wanted to go back to school to be a nurse practitioner was because I’m really interested in helping deliver primary care to lower income communities. I remember my dad telling me stories of skipping school because he was too hungry because his parents didn’t have money for food or sick because they couldn’t afford medicine and were embarrassed to sign up for government assistance. I think it’s really easy to call people living in poverty “lazy” from the comfort of having more money, but I don’t think people realize the stress of living in that situation and lacking the resources to do anything about it.

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  • Addie Pray

    Addie Pray March 14, 2014, 4:02 pm

    YOU GUYZZZZZ, the condo I basically bought yesterday is being sold RIGHT NOW AS WE SPEAK, 3 pm central time. Eeek, capital gains are ’bout to hit my bank account….. I’m gonna go on a shopping spree after work…. to Wallgreens for some drugs – I do not want to be sick this weekend. That’s all. Hooray for not being a home owner! Seriously home ownership stresses me the fuck out.

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    • avatar

      bethany March 14, 2014, 4:04 pm

      So you were able to make a profit?? Are you renting now?

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray March 14, 2014, 4:26 pm

        Right now I’m just staying with a friend. … I’ve looked at rentals and condos to buy but then stopped b/c I didn’t have time. I’ll regroup after this weekend and make “find permanent home” a priority. I am staying with a friend for a few weeks and then actually another friend has a second home that she doesn’t use and that happens to be a furnished condo in the city, so in a couple of weeks I am going to stay there (and pay for it, don’t worry) until the earlier of: (1) she sells the condo (her condo is for sale, so the downside is I have to keep it clean – egad – ha and (2) I find my own place. I figure I have a couple of months to figure it out. All my stuff (except clothes and wine)* is in storage. I purposefully kept my “medium” winter coat and sent my “extreme cold” winter coat to storage to make a statement: winter is over, damnit!
        *
        And yea I made a nice profit. A lucky turn in the market. Take that, ex-boyfriend who yelled at me for buying the condo… except I guess he was right, I didn’t stay very long did I. So it’s great, that the market is up. But it also sucks that the market is up now that I am on the buyer side. But I feel smarter now. And I know better what I want and don’t want.
        *
        About the wine* – so I did a really shitty job of packing; my car is full of crap, including all my wine. And I’m not unloading it either – it’s just sitting there. If you see a Prius cruising around town full of clothes and wine, that’s me. Last night I went to the car to get something and a bottle of wine I bought in Argentina just fell out, broke on the ground. All that wine just sitting in a puddle on the road. It was so sad and I started crying just on account of how stressed and tired I was after the move. Also, on account of the lost wine that I was careful to smuggle back into the USA (I say smuggle I dunno, maybe you can bring back 6 bottles of wine without paying anything) and that I didn’t drink to save it for a special occasion…

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    • avatar

      Kate March 14, 2014, 4:23 pm

      That’s cool… Being a homeowner stressed me out too. I was for 15 years, and now I rent.

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray March 14, 2014, 4:43 pm

        Renting is the way to go I swear! Except what I’m finding now is rent is so HIGH! It may just make sense to buy again.

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