Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Friday Links

Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

“Elliot Rodger and Poisonous Ideals of Masculinity” [via The Atlantic]

“The Power of #YesAllWomen” [via The New Yorker]

“Your Princess Is in Another Castle: Misogyny, Entitlement, and Nerds” [via The Daily Beast]

“25 Signs You’re Succeeding At Life (Even If It Doesn’t Feel Like It)” [via Mind Body Green]

“Dads Who Do Dishes Raise Ambitious Daughters” [via NYMag]

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. “21 Maya Angelou quotes to live by” [via The Wrap]

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to wendy@dearwendy.com and if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

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13 comments… add one
  • cmary

    cmary May 30, 2014, 1:14 pm

    The article about Elliot Rodger makes me so angry. I swear, it’s enough already with how girls are raised to be this, and boys are raised to be that. You want women to respect you, be a fucking man. You’re a virgin? Girls don’t like you? Maybe you’re an asshole. You’re a woman and you don’t date? Or your’e still a virgin? So what? Why is it anything? Why does it matter that you were given GI Joe and I was given My Little Pony? Most women don’t think they’re princesses and most don’t want a prince. I don’t even know what my point it. It just makes me so angry that he gets to blame his fucked-upness on ANYTHING. Or that’s he’s a known person now. Way more than the people he killed.
    .
    Shouty. Sorry.

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      sarahhhh May 30, 2014, 3:17 pm

      I don’t know, I can’t exactly tell what you mean but it seems like you are saying that our culture didn’t play any role in what went wrong with him, or that it doesn’t matter that we’re indoctrinated in these gender roles/ideals. Maybe you just mean that he shouldn’t be seen with any sympathy because even IF those things played a role, it doesn’t excuse him, and if that’s what you are saying, I agree. I don’t feel bad for him. But I do think that he internalized our cultures misogyny and the massacre that took place is a direct result of that, probably combined with mental health issues. I feel like there is a lot to be gained by discussing his beliefs about women “owing” men sex, and his beliefs that his self worth is based on his ability to get sex/romantic attention, even if that means that his face is all over the internet and he maintains notoriety.

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      • shanshantastic

        shanshantastic May 30, 2014, 3:20 pm

        I think she’s going for the latter – our gender and cultural norms don’t excuse his behavior in any way.

        And I agree with you that we do need to have these conversations about the beliefs that have become so normalized…I just REALLY wish there was a way to do it without putting this one d-bag’s face all over the issue. Or any of them, really. They don’t deserve even notoriety.

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        sarahhhh May 30, 2014, 3:23 pm

        I guess, now that I think about it, we could reframe it as a conversation about the people whose lives were lost rather than the jerk who took those lives, and still have a productive conversation. I just really don’t want the conversation surrounding everyday misogyny to stop.

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  • GatorGirl

    GatorGirl May 30, 2014, 3:31 pm

    So I saw on the Today show today, they where talking about some study that says 1 out of 6 relationships starts from casual sex. There was a thread recently about that topic, and I want to post the link but I can’t find it anywhere!

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      lets_be_honest May 30, 2014, 3:33 pm

      But some guy told us the other day that once you give it up, they’re no longer interested GG!

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl May 30, 2014, 3:35 pm

        I know! I want to find the study to say haha!

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    • iwannatalktosampson

      iwannatalktosampson May 30, 2014, 3:36 pm

      Is it 5 yet? I’d like to participate in some casual sex.

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  • cmary

    cmary May 30, 2014, 3:39 pm

    The whole thing makes me angry and I’m probably not a good enough writer to explain. But I just hate the idea that it goes back to what he’s internalized, for God sake, and not just that there’s something wrong with him. Should someone (his parents, maybe) have known that something was wrong? Yes. Should they have kept closer watch on him? Yes. But this is still his fault, not the culture that he’s internalized. I’m not saying people don’t learn certain things, but you don’t get to kill people and cry about yourself saying I was taught that men should be this way and that’s why those people had to die. I’m sorry, you just don’t. And then all the conversations focus on what you learned that was culturally wrong or whatever and not the fact that you’re fucking crazy.

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    • cmary

      cmary May 30, 2014, 3:40 pm

      Oops, that was supposed to be a reply to sarahhhh.

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  • avatar

    RedroverRedrover May 31, 2014, 4:06 pm

    Am I the only one getting really, really tired of all the sexism on the web? It’s to the point where I wish the internet didn’t even exist anymore. You can’t go into even one comment section without being hit by it (DW is probably the best in that respect, actually). It’s just so damn depressing. It seems that so many commenters feel like it’s totally fine to throw this kind of stuff out there, about how women are bitches and they are out to get men and men have it so hard and all this. Obviously the people posting aren’t ready to go on killing sprees (or maybe some of them are), but they’re perpetuating this idea that women and feminism are specifically trying to punish men or blame men or make life harder for men. It’s damn exhausting. And it’s scary because I don’t run into people like that in real life, or at least I don’t think I do, and then I have to wonder how many people I think are totally normal, but deep down are agreeing with this kind of crap. 🙁

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    SailBobo May 31, 2014, 8:35 pm

    After reading the article and Elliot Rodger’s manifesto (as much as I could bear of it) I can only conclude that six people died of whinny entitlement.

    There was a complete lack of personal responsibility for his life. He tried skateboarding, and when younger kids could do better tricks he gave up and blamed them for the unfairness of life. He tried karate, and when people were better than him at it he gave up and blamed them for life’s unfairness. He felt he deserved the perfect life handed to him.

    He got into fights with his stepmother because, after he got kicked out, because he didn’t feel he had to knock on the door before he came in – “As the oldest son, my father’s house should be mine.” He couldn’t bring himself to talk to women (social anxiety) so he blamed them for not walking up and starting a conversation. He saw every couple walking down the street as a personal affront to him. Of course, with entitlement comes racism – “This black man lost his virginity at 13 to a blonde white woman? … I’m descended from British Aristocracy, and he comes from slaves.” Again, it was an unfair life. After High School graduation he wouldn’t work – the kinds of jobs that were offered were beneath him. He wasn’t rejected. He never tried.

    Maybe it is the climax to “The Age of Entitlement” – where people feel they don’t have to offer anything. They deserve better, for being the special flowers that they are – “Hey, this dick ain’t gonna suck itself.” The funny part is that he had a life-long friend in exactly the same position as him – 20 years old and a virgin – and he ask him, “Doesn’t it bother you.” His friend said, “I just try and focus on my good qualities.” For God sake, take Dan Savage’s advice, “Develop yourself into someone that women want.” I realize that social anxiety is a problem, but remember it’s your problem, not everyone else’s.

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  • avatar

    MsMisery June 2, 2014, 1:02 pm

    Re: “Your Princess is in Another Castle.” I am glad someone is trying to raise sexism and misogyny among all forums, because it obviously exists on the internet… but I have to say as a regular attendee of sci-fi conventions, I very rarely feel unsafe at them. I tend to feel like “ahhh, my people” if anything, even if I am dressed far more scantily than I would be anywhere else. The only time there have been issues is at LARGE venues who have double-booked the space and now we’re sharing a hotel with, say, NASCAR fans or College Football fans (that year there were some sexual assaults). But when it’s a nerd on nerd crowd, I have not yet had an issue, for which I am very thankful.

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