Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Friday Links

Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

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Should you and your boyfriend or girlfriend move in together? Here’s a flowchart to help you determine whether that’s a good idea.

“Bubbles Carry a Lot of Weight: Texting Anxiety Caused by Little Bubbles” [via NYTimes]

It was like the moment I gave myself permission to feel unhappy with her, years of pent-up frustration came out: Erica was possessive; Erica was self-centered; Erica didn’t listen. I still remember the moment when I realized I had stopped liking Erica. I woke up feeling queasy and uncomfortable… “It Took Me 15 Years to Break Up With My Best Friend” [via Elle]

“5 Cynical Marriage Tips Every Couple Needs to Learn” [via Cracked]

I’m not really sure this woman’s complaints about motherhood are unique to or because of her age, but ok. “Fortyhood: Why You’re Too Old to Have a Baby After 40” [via Huffington Post]

“Columbia University student vows to carry mattress everywhere while alleged rapist remains on campus” [via NY Daily News]

Aw, yeah: “Wine and Exercise: A Promising Combination”

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to wendy@dearwendy.com and if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

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30 comments… add one
  • gigi

    gigi September 5, 2014, 1:41 pm

    On Fourtyhood… I sometimes wonder if we don’t, as humans, become more set in our ways as we get older. And perhaps the sudden change of a baby is just too much for someone set in their “adult child-free” routines. Let’s face it, until you are in it, you can’t truly know what it is like. You just can’t fully prepare for it. I think in your late 20s, early 30s, you are still used to life changing frequently, you take it more in stride. However, if life flows on in the same pattern for 15-ish years & then all of a sudden turns upside down with the addition of a baby, I think possibly you might have a harder time adjusting to that. No matter how much your heat wanted that change….. That & you just have less energy after a certain point. I don’t think I could do it again. I don’t want to do it again now. Although I am amazed that she didn’t think about how old she would be when her child went to college, or got married ahead of time….. seriously!

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    • rawkmys0cks

      rawkmys0cks September 5, 2014, 1:54 pm

      I always kind of thought that would be the case, with being an older parent. It’s more of a shock to the system. Kind of like how when I moved in with my fiance at 23 we had a super easy time with it…we had both been living with roommates for yeeeears. And suddenly I got to live with my best friend and sex person? Awesome! We didn’t have to negotiate routines or anything, because we both came in without one, and developed them together. I sort of imagine having a baby when you are less established as an adult to be similar…though of course that comes with its issues too (mainly having less money and possibly less stability for kids). Every choice comes with tradeoffs.

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      • avatar

        RedroverRedrover September 5, 2014, 3:52 pm

        I don’t agree, it depends on the person. I lived on my own for over 15 years (without even roommates) before getting married to my husband. But moving in together wasn’t an issue for us. It went very smoothly, in fact. I’m kind of surprised at how easy it was.

        We had our first kid when I was 37. I think the main thing is that I’m more tired now than when I was younger, although that could be because I had a huge burnout at work a few years ago. I feel like I’ll never not be tired again, not because of the baby, but because of the burnout. So it was a struggle getting through the first 4-6 months, but we did it, and now I can’t imagine not having my little guy. I’m even considering having another.

        I think in both cases, the main thing was that I wasn’t totally hung up on having that thing. I wanted to get married, but not so badly that it’s all I thought about. I figured I’d be fine if I didn’t. Same with the baby. Whereas my sister, who wanted a baby very badly and had a lot of trouble conceiving, is really struggling with being a mom. It’s not living up to what she thought it would be. And she was only 33 when she had hers.

        So I would say that in general, older moms are probably the ones who have been waiting for so long for the right guy, or having so many fertility problems, that they’ve been aching for motherhood for years (maybe even decades). They’ve wanted it so bad and built it up so much that it just can’t live up to what they thought. A 25-year-old is much less likely to get to that kind of fever pitch of wanting a baby, mainly because they still have so much time to do it.

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        RedroverRedrover September 5, 2014, 3:53 pm

        Ugh, sorry about the no paragraph breaks. Forgot you have to put the . in between.

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      • rawkmys0cks

        rawkmys0cks September 5, 2014, 4:45 pm

        Ahhh I like your explanation better than mine. Upset expectations are truly hard to deal with.

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  • FireStar

    FireStar September 5, 2014, 2:56 pm

    The 40 motherhood author just sounded like she didn’t think things through. Like the people who think about the wedding and not the marriage. She thought baby and nothing else. That’s more a reflection on her than her age. If anything it’s a little short sighted for someone old enough to know better.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy September 5, 2014, 3:11 pm

      I totally agree.

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy September 5, 2014, 3:15 pm

        Related: A friend of mine stopped by this morning with her son who’s jackson’s age and her 5-week-old baby. While the almost 3-year-olds went nutso in the way 3-year-old boys do, her sweet little baby just cooed and slept and ate and looked adorable. If I didn’t know that that sweet little baby was going to turn into a nutso toddler in about 18 months or so, it would be so easy to just not think about that part, which is what I bet a lot of people do when deciding to have a baby. Babies turn into toddlers turn into school-aged kids, turn into teenagers, turn into people who leave and break your heart a little when they do. All the while costing you a shit ton of money!

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      • Ika

        Ika September 5, 2014, 3:44 pm

        I feel the same way! Yesterday Iws at a birthday party with my 3 year old. And the sister of one of her kindy friends was there, and shes at that cute bby phase where the star playing, wtht he inectious giggle and all. I felt the maternal urge, but only for like 5 minutes haha

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    • Portia

      Portia September 5, 2014, 3:33 pm

      I agree. And I have seen this in people under 40, probably under 30 too.
      .
      Also, while reading it, I was thinking about grandparents who raise their grandkids for various reasons and are still OK. It must be because they’ve already raised kids that they know what they’re getting into, unlike the author.

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    • avatar

      ktfran September 5, 2014, 3:46 pm

      Yeah, I read that article and didn’t like it at all. Like you said, FireStar, people just want to reach these life “milestones,” without thinking about the repercussions.
      .
      This article could 100% be written by any woman at any age.

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      RedroverRedrover September 5, 2014, 4:19 pm

      I’m also not crazy about how she assumes that all the other older moms are “mommy liars”, and she puts herself forward as one of the few who will tell “the truth”. That’s pretty self-centered, to assume that your experience is the only possible one and that anyone who says otherwise is lying.

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    • avatar

      Muffy September 5, 2014, 4:41 pm

      I also really didn’t understand how all her regrets wouldn’t have happened to her if she had her child in her 30s. Like wishing she had travelled more with her husband, saved up more money. It kind of sounds less like regret in being a 42 year old mother and more like regret in being a mother in general. If she’d had the child earlier she would have had even less travel time and money saved up. Further the problems she cites like trading in her freedom warrior for nap time schedules happen to moms of all ages.

      I think it’s hard to be a mom at any age. My mom had me at 27 and then my 3 brothers followed closely after with the last of the 3 born at age 32. She then had my sister when she was 41. Motherhood was probably harder when she was 27 and starting out her career as a lawyer while her husband was also starting out in his own career. By the time she had my sister my mom was a stay at home mom. I mean yeah my parents will be “old” when she goes to college but their age also gives them a lot more time at home with her. Also my moms siblings had kids late, one had her first at 36 and the other had his first at 42(wife was 42 as well). All of them still have careers. My aunt who had her first kid at 36 is CFO of an oil company and my aunt and uncle who had their first and only kid at 42 are doctor and a dentist. And they all travel all over the world with their kid- like Philippines, Central America, Thailand etc..

      Anyways rant over. Point is this woman is just whining because motherhood to her isn’t all she thought it would be. Just because her party train stopped when she had a kid doesn’t mean it’s directly related to your age. If anything when you are older you have more money for a nanny to help out with picking up kids from school so you can continue your career or go out at night.

      I don’t think there is any right time to be a mother. I guess the time is right when you want to be a mother whether that be at 25,30,35 or 40.

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        lets_be_honest September 5, 2014, 5:12 pm

        Hmm, my mom had her first at 19 and last at 42 (?). She’s definitely more tired now that she’s older and there is a difference obviously between me being 32 having a mom who is still young, but to my youngest sibling, she’s the “old” mom. She still does all the same stuff though – girl scout troop leader, trekking the kids to stuff, camping, etc.

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    • TaraMonster

      TaraMonster September 5, 2014, 3:43 pm

      Bingo. She even admits that:
      “Sitting here now, I realize that I really didn’t think about what would happen once the baby arrived. My goal was to have a baby; after that, there had been no clear plan. ”
      .
      What the what? You didn’t realize how tough it would be to raise a child? That’s like 95% of the reason I’m still on the fence about it!

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  • peppers87

    peppers87 September 5, 2014, 3:19 pm

    Wendy…your move-in criteria are sooooo much better than that flow-chart

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    • TaraMonster

      TaraMonster September 5, 2014, 3:36 pm

      I have been thinking this every time I see you comment: props on the Detective Tutoala avatar.
      .
      Related: I am not a reality show person, but Ice Loves Coco? BRING THAT SHIT BACK PLEASE!! I miss Spartacus! Did you know Spartacus and his offspring Maximus have a Twitter?! Now you know.

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      • peppers87

        peppers87 September 5, 2014, 4:14 pm

        haha I do not have cable so I have never seen Ice loves Coco but I feel like i would LOVE IT. loveeeee some SVU though. I just heard Peter Gallagher was hired as some SVU boss!

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster September 5, 2014, 4:50 pm

        He is PERFECT for SVU. I’m such an SVU junkie. The car that I had in college was named Detective Stabler. I love Christopher Meloni. If you’ve never seen the Daily Show clip where he plays “Tony Baloney” the cop who was pepper spraying the OWS protesters, you need to. It’s hilarious.
        .
        I think you can watch old episodes of Ice Loves Coco online. It’s so bad that it’s good!

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      • peppers87

        peppers87 September 5, 2014, 5:19 pm

        I am going to look into these things when I get home from work. Well, after I take off my bra, duh.

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      • peppers87

        peppers87 September 5, 2014, 5:21 pm

        And I definitely think Gallagher is taking over the spot in the L & O franchise where maybe a little bit of Mike Logan and Lenny Brisco intersect??

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      • peppers87

        peppers87 September 5, 2014, 5:22 pm

        oh GOD *Lennie Briscoe
        .
        Who am I??

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. September 5, 2014, 3:44 pm

    That friendship article hit home for me. Years ago, I ended a 30+ year friendship for many of the same reasons, and I find myself ready to do it again. Do I just find these people or am I just losing my tolerance as I get older?

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      ktfran September 5, 2014, 3:49 pm

      I’m going with the later. I mean, you’ve a little more established and a little more secure/confident, why bother with people who suck? When I was younger, I wanted everyone to like me and I was a people pleaser and didn’t think about what I wanted. Now? I don’t have time for that. It’s too exhausting.

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      • Kate B.

        Kate B. September 5, 2014, 3:56 pm

        Yeah, I’m leaning that way, too. When I think about all the crap I put up with from people when I was younger, it makes me cringe. I began to realize that a friendship is supposed to feel good. I should feel happy, or at least not angry, when I am with my friends. Now it seems like a no-brainer, but I wish someone had told me that when I was younger. Then again, I don’t know that I would have believed them. Maybe this really is something you need to learn in your own time.

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        ktfran September 5, 2014, 4:08 pm

        I think so. I’m so much more comfortable with myself than I was 10 years ago. Even 5 years ago. That now, I only surround myself with people who make me happy. I’m sure some people “get it” early. I did not.

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        lets_be_honest September 5, 2014, 5:15 pm

        I heard a great quote yesterday about this sorta thing:
        .
        Start ignoring people who threaten your joy.
        Literally, ignore them. Say nothing. Don’t invite any parts of them into your space.
        .
        I think I’m getting less tolerant of people who suck, but also more aware of how much people suck, if that makes any sense.

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      • Kate B.

        Kate B. September 5, 2014, 5:46 pm

        I’m feeling that, too. Sometimes it seems like everybody I meet sucks, and then I ask myself, are there really this many sucky people around me, or I am becoming “that person” who hates everybody? I do like that quote.

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    HmC September 5, 2014, 4:51 pm

    Man I love Cracked. Though they do tend to over indulge with the metaphors, haha.

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  • JenjaRose

    JenjaRose September 7, 2014, 10:19 am

    Okay, I’ve gotta heartily disagree with that flow chart! I’ve been with my guy for seven years and we live together, and NOTHING IN THIS WORLD could ever make me okay with the smell of his farts. It’s like he is rotten inside, man! It’s unlike anything I’ve ever smelled. The first time he accidently (and silently) farted around me many years ago, I panicked and thought a SEWER LINE HAD BURST. I’m like “OH MY GOD WE HAVE TO GET BACK INSIDE!” and we did and he had tears in his eyes from trying not to laugh and expose his foul secret. He once had to sleep on the couch for several hours because he was gassy and I thought I was gonna choke to death. I have woken up coughing and sputtering on numerous occasions, dude. UGH!

    I, of course, am a lady. I never do such foul things. 😉

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