Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Friday Links

Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

“I ruined my engagement with Facebook, and apparently I’m not alone” [via Digital Trends]

“Cuddler For Hire” [via Narratively]

“Stop Saying ‘I Have a Boyfriend’ [when guys hit on you]” [via Luna Luna]

“Relationship Wisdom From Someone Who Loves Being Divorced (Louis C.K.)” [via TresSugar]

“Dating Is the Worst, and Other Scientific Facts” [via HuffPo]

“‘I’m 124 sandwiches away from an engagement ring’” [via NYPost]
Related: this and this.

“The real boy crisis: 5 ways America tells boys not to be “girly”” [via Salon]

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to wendy@dearwendy.com and if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

128 comments… add one
  • katie

    katie September 27, 2013, 1:46 pm

    i dont like it when people blame facebook for their “cheating”. and i realize that article didnt say that specifically, but i still hate the general thought process.

    and the “rules” at the end for how to be on facebook? why are those needed? maybe these people just arent as good at committed dating as they think they are…

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest September 27, 2013, 1:50 pm

      I blame booze for my cheating. Its a much better excuse.

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      • avatar

        Banana September 27, 2013, 1:50 pm

        I was just about to write the same thing, katie. I don’t think FB has made cheating easier. It’s just made making an excuse for cheating easier.

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    • avatar

      Kerrycontrary September 27, 2013, 2:22 pm

      I don’t think the rules are necessary, but I think they are good guidelines. If you know you are prone to cheating or temptation, limiting your options to screw up can be helpful (like an alcoholic not going to a bar every night).

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  • avatar

    lemongrass September 27, 2013, 1:56 pm

    That cuddler for hire is just too lazy to get a real job. Clever, maybe but lazy.

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  • iwannatalktosampson

    iwannatalktosampson September 27, 2013, 1:57 pm

    That facebook article is fascinating. I am admittedly fascinated by cheating in general. I can see how these things play out, but I’ve just never been tempted to facebook stalk ex’s besides the once a year inventory. And I never look back on them lovingly, just sort of as “oh weird look what he’s up too”. I just don’t get all these lingering feelings people have for their ex’s that can come back with some simple facebook stalking. I don’t know I’m a junky and want more details.

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    • avatar

      GatorGirl September 27, 2013, 2:08 pm

      I’ve only looked up ex’s like once a year, and it’s to see if my crazy ass ex is alive.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson September 27, 2013, 2:30 pm

        I guess after a while ex’s to me quit feeling like ex’s in the dramatic way and just seem like people I used to know, so when I look at them on facebook it feels no different than looking at girls I hung out with in high school or guy friends I had. I don’t get people having all these long lost lingering feelings. I feel like people need more hobbies. And their lingering feelings should be a huge red flag that they’re unhappy with their current life – but that has nothing to do with the ex.

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      • katie

        katie September 27, 2013, 2:33 pm

        AMEN.

        actually, i just got a friend request from a boyfriend of mine in junior high, i just remembered. but yea, i totally looked at all his stuff, but i dont even really want to talk to him….

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl September 27, 2013, 2:35 pm

        Oh yes, I agree with you. Most of my past ex’s are just people I once new. The only ex I have “lingering feelings” for is my abusive asshole one, and the feelings are that I want to punch him. I totally agree that still having lingering romantic feelings is probably an indicator something is currently off.

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  • avatar

    GatorGirl September 27, 2013, 2:05 pm

    The Lewis CK thing really rubbed me the wrong way. Especially the first joke. I also just don’t think he is funny.

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle September 27, 2013, 2:19 pm

      Yeah, I can see how some might take issue with certain things he says, but I also LOVE love love him & think he’s hilarious. And a lot of the things he said, I do find to be true & clever, like the divorce being good news thing, & the “women get to decide quietly if they will let a guy fuck her” (which yes, I do take issue with the “let” thing, but I TOTALLY was like, “heh, yeahhhh” because I remember times where I ~literally~ would think things like that, after a random thing a guy did or said?)

      Oh, also the dick thing. The dick thing for sure.

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      • avatar

        rachel September 27, 2013, 2:23 pm

        WFS, haha, I pretty much had the exact same reaction.

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      • katie

        katie September 27, 2013, 2:28 pm

        yea, he is amazing. and he speaks the truth! thats what i love. he is just real about things in the funniest way

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl September 27, 2013, 2:28 pm

        It was mostly just the first joke which to me implied woman don’t put out after marriage. I hate that stereotype.

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      • avatar

        rachel September 27, 2013, 2:30 pm

        Yeah, that’s pretty dumb, though maybe it was true in his marriage, haha.

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      • katie

        katie September 27, 2013, 2:30 pm

        he had two kids, so its probably true.

        another reason i dont want kids.

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      • JK

        JK September 27, 2013, 2:33 pm

        Psh I have 2 kids and my sex life is just fine, thankyouverymuch 😛 Hernias, stress, and all.

        But seriously, it´s a joke! How can it rub people the wrong way? And honestly it´s prob a stereotype for something. how many people just do stuff to get “the ring” then change completely after marriage?

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      • katie

        katie September 27, 2013, 2:38 pm

        thats good to hear, honestly, lol.

        that is one thing people always say, like, oh well its not all onsies and butterflies! you will never/very rarely have sex again, bla bla bla.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest September 27, 2013, 2:54 pm

        Yea, I gotta agree with JK. Unless you are one of those people that doesn’t like sex a lot (?), its not going to happen to you. I’d say in a year, I maybe said I was too tired twice.

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      • meadowphoenix

        meadowphoenix September 27, 2013, 2:47 pm

        The “it’s just a joke” defense for when someone gets mad at a terrible joke is the worst.

        I mean, it’s not really hard to imagine why it rubs people the wrong way. Usually jokes work because there is an underlying assumption. If that underlying assumption is something like “Women don’t really like sex” that is the basis for a lot of shitty male “persuasion” then maybe you can understand why a joke which reinforces that makes people mad.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest September 27, 2013, 2:55 pm

        Honestly, I think people who get mad at those jokes are often the ones the joke is true about. Not always, of course.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl September 27, 2013, 2:59 pm

        I completely disagree. I get mad at joke’s which are made at the expense of gay people, and I’m not. I get mad at jokes made at the expense black people, and I’m not. This particular joke does relate to me, being that I’m newly married, but often jokes are not made from a nice place. Just because it’s a joke, doesn’t mean it’s not coming from a place of hate or dislike or judgment.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest September 27, 2013, 3:03 pm

        by “those jokes” I was referring to the ones about women not really liking sex. And I do think people who are super offended by those jokes are often (again, not always by any means) people who realize the joke is true about them.

        Nothing to do with anti-gay or racist jokes. Only anti-gay or racist people like them.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl September 27, 2013, 3:08 pm

        Ok, well taking the other kinds of jokes out, I still think it’s reinforcing a very negative stereotype of married women and that’s why I don’t find it funny.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest September 27, 2013, 3:12 pm

        You don’t think its a stereotype for women for a reason? I do. I think there are more women like that than not. I mean, I hope I’m wrong, but if all the married men out there were totally satisfied bc their wife wanted sex just as much as they do, maybe it would no longer be a stereotype.

        I’m sure its not true that sex completely ends after marriage, but I do think its true that many women want sex less than men, which is why men say this. And if you like to have just as much sex as your husband, then why not just say that’s an untrue joke?

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      • katie

        katie September 27, 2013, 3:22 pm

        not to mention so many women act/talk/dress/put out/ect a certain way to “land” a man, and then after the wedding settle back into whoever they really are.

        because obviously, the wedding is all that matters. once you get that ring, no more work is needed.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl September 27, 2013, 3:23 pm

        I think the stereotype may be partially true, but I also think people have unrealistic expectations about sex for a multitude of reasons.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest September 27, 2013, 3:28 pm

        But basically it comes down to this: do “you” want to have sex as much (or very close to as much) your husband (who wants a reasonable amount)?
        If not, then the stereotype exists because of that. So instead of the joke being my wife doesn’t life sex nearly as often as me, its becomes she never wants sex, because that makes it “funnier.”

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl September 27, 2013, 3:33 pm

        And I don’t think it’s funny. I think it’s pretty unfunny.

        Which is totally fine. Everyone doesn’t have to have the same sense of humor.

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      • katie

        katie September 27, 2013, 3:48 pm

        also, this is HUGELY a cultural thing. have you ever read those “how to be a housewife” pamphlets from the 20s or 50s or whatever? women were literally coached to not be interested in sex, to make up excuse after excuse as to why they “couldnt”. so this whole topic is a lot bigger then just married women anyway…

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest September 27, 2013, 3:49 pm

        Of course. That’s fine you don’t think its funny. I’m not trying to convince you of that.
        You just said you disagreed when I said its often true, but then you agreed that it might be true. That’s all.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl September 27, 2013, 3:56 pm

        Katie I completely agree that this whole thing is really a “bigger issue” thing and the joke may be completely irrelevant in 20 years.

        LBH, I don’t find where I said I disagree with you, I’ve just said over and over it reinforces a negative stereotype (even if some women do fulfill the stereotype I still think it’s negative).

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest September 27, 2013, 3:59 pm

        GG, the first line of your reply to my comment was “I completely disagree.”

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl September 27, 2013, 4:04 pm

        About who gets mad a the joke…not about if women fulfill the stereotype. Which is what I thought you where referencing.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl September 27, 2013, 4:06 pm

        Like you said “people who get mad at those jokes are often the ones the joke is true about” and to that I said I disagree. I said the stereotype may be partially true…it’s not the same thing.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest September 27, 2013, 4:09 pm

        Ah, gotcha.

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      • avatar

        TECH September 27, 2013, 3:04 pm

        “Honestly, I think people who get mad at those jokes are often the ones the joke is true about. ”
        I agree with that. Also, Louis C.K. is an equal opportunity offender. He makes fun of everyone, and most of all, himself. When it comes to mainstream comedians, he’s pretty low on the scale of offensiveness.

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      • JK

        JK September 27, 2013, 4:03 pm

        Not to mention that “wife who never wants sex” is prob one of the oldest comedy schticks.
        And like I said above, the amount of people (both men and women) that pull a bait and switch once they get what they want (be that marriage, akid, whatever), judging by people I know, and advice columns, is appalling.

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      • meadowphoenix

        meadowphoenix September 27, 2013, 6:07 pm

        No actually the people who I know who tend to hate those jokes are the people who find treating women as a monolith distasteful and full of shit. These women are also the types who like being sex-positive and getting the sex they want and don’t particularly like the cultural stereotype as women as “givers” of sex, for the aforementioned male bullshit that comes from that.

        Also, that joke is about every woman, because it’s not saying “Oh those women who don’t like sex are so funny.” The joke works because the assumption is supposed to be universal. So you can take it personal, LBH, because it’s talking about you regardless of whether you like sex personally or not. There’s no irony here.

        Anyway I find your “the only people who don’t like are the people it’s about” really fucking dismissive. It’s fine if you like the joke. It’s gross that you feel like you have diminish the concerns of people who don’t like that joke into some personal hurt.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson September 27, 2013, 2:48 pm

        Yeah that’s such a dumb stereotype. It goes back to how girls only “give” sex because they could never actually want it on their own. Barf city. I think sex, like other things in life, are cyclical. Like supposedly women get silly horny in their early 30’s and not so much during menopause. And then when you add in life factors like kids, stress, jobs, etc., I think how often you do it is just like any other phase in life and not at all related to being married or not.

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray September 27, 2013, 2:30 pm

      Of course you don’t like him, because I do! It is so funny to me how two people (e.g., AP and GG) can consistently have the COMPLETE OPPOSITE opinions and reactions to things in life, both big and small. I mean, it’s kind of impressive, no? Just to be thorough and test out my theory, tell me what you think of:

      1. The number 9 (it’s my favorite number)
      2. Sneaking mini bottles of wine into movie theaters (it’s my passion)
      3. Baths (i hate them; i get so bored)
      4. Halloween (it’s my favorite holiday)
      5. French manicures (I think they are dumb and soooo 1996)

      Ok go!

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      • katie

        katie September 27, 2013, 2:31 pm

        ap, have you ever found a GOOD mini wine bottle company? i drink the ones on airplanes and they are barely tolerable.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray September 27, 2013, 2:34 pm

        I am easily impressed when it comes to red wine. You’d think after all the red wine I drink I’d develop a more sophisticated taste but nope. If it’s red I probably love it.

        That said, my favorite mini bottles are Woodbridge. They’re harder to find though. I have a place I go where I stock up on: Francis Ford Copola wine (usually pricy but where I go they are $5.99) and Woodbridge minis. I got there and buy them by the case. I’d tell you where but then I’d have to kill you.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl September 27, 2013, 2:37 pm

        Ohhhh I love Francis Ford Copola wine! The Rosso is the bests $8 bottle of wine I’ve ever had. We actually served it at our wedding.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray September 27, 2013, 2:44 pm

        Yes! See? We *are* two peas in a pod after all. 😉

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl September 27, 2013, 2:46 pm

        I tried some new Pinot Noir from them recently…idk what it was called something in Italian. But it was like 5 buck more and the Rosso is so better. I turn into a total red wine drinker in the fall/winter.

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      • katie

        katie September 27, 2013, 2:56 pm

        hmmm, next time you will have to get me some WHITE WINE so i can try the white.

        and then you will lose all your red wine cred with whoever sells you these cases bahaha

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl September 27, 2013, 2:33 pm

        1. I like 7 MUCH better.
        2. I’ve sneaked beer in!
        3. Eh, only when I’m sick.
        4. I actually LOVE Halloween and force GGuy to carve pumpkins and watch Hocus Pocus with me every year.
        5. I prefer a nice pale pink 🙂 but I’m too cheap for manicures.

        So, not completely opposite!

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      • avatar

        bethany September 27, 2013, 2:47 pm

        #2 is my favorite thing to do EVER.

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      • avatar

        Morgan September 27, 2013, 3:16 pm

        I am with you entirely on numbers 1-5.
        1. My favorite baseball player when I was little wore number 9 and it’s been my favorite ever since
        2. obviously that is why god made mini bottles of wine
        3. baths are overrated
        4. dressing up and getting drunk is the best because its just like college
        5. never got the appeal. I’m super into wine colored nails right now. I like my nails and my beverages to match, what can I say.

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    • HuggaWugga

      HuggaWugga September 27, 2013, 4:36 pm

      I feel the same way about his bit about “single people problems”. Yes, I understand that I don’t have to be responsible for anyone else, and I get that he’s coming from a place where he was married and had those responsibilities. And I’m probably taking our culture’s notion of ‘you’re nobody till somebody loves you’ to heart. But thanks, Louis CK, for reminding me that I don’t affect anyone’s life in any way and that my life really doesn’t matter because I don’t have a family of my own. 😛 Yeesh, I think I’ve internalized some sad messages here.

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  • katie

    katie September 27, 2013, 2:10 pm

    haha, ok, sex poll:

    this quote from louis ck- “After sex, you’re looking at two very different people. The man just wants to lay there and be cool, and the woman wants to cuddle, something that men love to make fun of women for: ”They always wanna cuddle, they’re so needy.’ . . . She’s not needy, you idiot, she’s horny! Because you did NOTHING for her. You did absolutely nothing. If you f*ck a woman well, she will leave you alone.”

    do you find that true? i absolutely find that true. we call them “sexy comas” in our house.

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    • avatar

      lemongrass September 27, 2013, 2:13 pm

      Not true for me. I don’t want to cuddle while I’m still catching my breath but right after I do. But so does my husband so it works out for us.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest September 27, 2013, 2:14 pm

      Omg, we call them sex comas too!
      Is it possible you slept with my boyfriend, used the term, and now he is rebranding it as his own term?

      I do not like cuddling after sex at all.

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    • JK

      JK September 27, 2013, 2:14 pm

      Absolutely true!!!! Louis CK is awesome.

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray September 27, 2013, 2:19 pm

      F*ck everyone with their sex comas!

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray September 27, 2013, 2:21 pm

        Sowwy, I’m jealous. My only comas these days – and for the foreseeable future — are from eating at Chipolte.

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      • avatar

        bethany September 27, 2013, 2:22 pm

        Mmmmm… Barbacoa. Yum.

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    • avatar

      jlyfsh September 27, 2013, 2:20 pm

      yeah I don’t like to cuddle right after. although, usually after we let the dogs back in and we each cuddle with one of them, haha.

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    • avatar

      bethany September 27, 2013, 2:21 pm

      I hate cuddling with anyone other than my cat.

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    • avatar

      GatorGirl September 27, 2013, 2:22 pm

      I don’t like to cuddle-cuddle but I like to be in bed with like an appendage touching a little. So like a hand on a thigh or something.

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      • avatar

        Christy September 27, 2013, 3:03 pm

        Same here!

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    • Miel

      Miel September 27, 2013, 2:31 pm

      I’m with GG. He likes to lay on his back, and then I lay on my side and touch his shoulder with my hand. But I don’t think that qualifies as cuddling.

      We talk though. And women get made fun of because they like to have pillow talk. But we like to talk. I’ll tell jokes and we’ll laugh and never get dressed up.

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    • raptor

      gillociraptor September 27, 2013, 6:17 pm

      I don’t really like to cuddle afterward.

      My ex used to get pissed at me about it. I’d get up to use the restroom afterward (because, you know, I didn’t want a UTI), and he’d start guilting me about how I wasn’t staying to cuddle with him. Sorry I care about my health, dude.

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle September 27, 2013, 2:13 pm

    Okay usually I’m not all “I sent that one!!!” but I sent the “Stop saying you have a boyfriend” one (haha) because I wanted to see what you guys thought? I see the point & wish I could just be like, “Not interested!” with no explanation, but yeah, I do always fall back on “I have a boyfriend” because it is effective* (& I do legitimately have a boyfriend now, but I used to say that when single also)

    *and yes, it sucks that it’s effective because men tend to respect the presence of another man over your unexplained disinterest, but if that’s the most effective thing, that is what I will do? because I hate that whole back & forth, and want it to be over ASAP?

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    • avatar

      Kerrycontrary September 27, 2013, 2:20 pm

      I use the “I have a boyfriend” because I do and it is why I’m not even thinking of an approaching man in that way. Like I could be interested if I were single, but I’m in a relationship so it’s not an option. When I was single I would say “no thanks” and if someone bugs me I yell “ew gross get away”.

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    • avatar

      A La Mode September 27, 2013, 2:21 pm

      “Oh, so you have a boyfriend?”
      “I said, I’m not interested.”
      “So you’re a lesbian, then?”
      “Actually, I’m not interested.”
      “You seem crazy.”
      “Nope, just not interested.”

      I have quite literally had this exact conversation, multiple times. Invariably I ended up having to be very rude toward the guy. Most of them refuse to accept an honest answer!

      The author makes a very good point about redefining acceptable reactions by refusing to cop out…
      “I’m not saying this is easy. I’ve gotten into my fair share of arguments with men during what were supposed to be fun nights out with friends over whether or not I have the “right” to tell them to buzz off, boyfriend notwithstanding. However, there are a few reasons I continue: 1. So that maybe, possibly, the man I’m speaking to, or other men observing the encounter, may learn something about the agency of women, 2. So that maybe, possibly I might be inspiring other women observing to do the same so that one day, we can be a huge kickass collective of ladies standing up for our right to go crazy on the dance floor without being hassled, and 3. So that I can go home that night, sweaty and tired and happy, and know that I gave myself all the respect that I deserve.”

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    • katie

      katie September 27, 2013, 2:22 pm

      i really liked it, and i have started to stop using a boyfriend as an excuse. i will bring it out if i have to, i guess, but i do hate that i just cant say no. thats ridiculous.

      sidenote (stupidly long) story: last week when i got back from travelling i was waiting on jake to pick me up at the airport. my boss and i walked outside to where the cars go, and i was like, see you monday! and he got in his wifes car and left. then one of the traffic directors asked me if i travel every week, and we started chatting about how its cool, but sometimes it sucks, whatever, and then this random guy tried to hit on me. and he asked if i was married, and im not so i said no, and then he asked if i was single, i said no, but he like didnt hear me or something. and then he tried to tell me how i would love his mom because she is from germany and makes all these amazing pastries all the time. he wanted to get a drink with me that weekend, and i was like, actually i really need to clean my house and hang out with my cats, i havent seen them all week! and then he apologized about being drunk and his mom came to pick him up and he staggered to the car. but thats one of the only times ive ever not had to resort to the “i have a boyfriend” speech. and really, youd think if i would rather hang out with my cats then with you that would say something. whatever. it was weird.

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      • katie

        katie September 27, 2013, 2:24 pm

        oh- and then, when i told my boss about it on monday, he was like “what? why didnt you say, i am taken, i have a boyfriend?”

        so… yea.

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    • avatar

      GatorGirl September 27, 2013, 2:25 pm

      I worked at a mall kiosk for a little and wore a fake engagement ring. Before I did so many dudes would try to chat me up, and once I started wearing the ring I was left alone a lot more. It was just easier than trying to brush them off.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle September 27, 2013, 2:30 pm

        Yeah, I think I’m kind of an avoidant person when it comes to shit like this, so I would rather say “I have a boyfriend, sorry” which makes the conversation definitely end (err, usually? Save for the time the dude was like, “Well, can we text as friends?” & the array of dudes who are like, “Well, where’s your boyfriend tonight?” UGH. So maybe I should start saying “Not interested”, since I agree with the compelling argument for it.)

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest September 27, 2013, 2:56 pm

        I’ve said I have a bf because I just didn’t want to make someone feel bad by saying I’m not interested. Not that I think I’m some great catch or anything, but obviously if they like you and you say you aren’t interested, it can hurt feelings.

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    • avatar

      Banana September 27, 2013, 2:26 pm

      It’s kind of like when girls wear fake engagement rings to bars to dissuade guys from approach them. 1) I think that practice in particular is SUPER self-absorbed, because it’s kind of like saying, “I have to put this fake ring on because otherwise it’s inevitable that I will be so comprehensively swamped with unwanted male attention that I won’t be able to kick back and have fun with my gals!” Seriously? You really think you’re THAT hot? 2) It’s the same as saying, “I have a boyfriend” — can’t you just say you’re not interested, or otherwise deflect? It’s wimpy.

      I will say that sometimes it’s nicer to give an excuse (like having a boyfriend) than just saying “I don’t like you.” So there’s that.

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      • avatar

        Banana September 27, 2013, 2:28 pm

        Ak, I was writing when GG’s post went up, so I want to be clear I’m not calling you out! It’s different to do that when you’re working a mall kiosk or something and you’ve noticed a pattern that actually gets in the way of your work. That’s okay, I guess. But putting on a ring when you go out to a bar? That just rubs me the wrong way.

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        GatorGirl September 27, 2013, 2:30 pm

        Haha, no worries. I was pretty self absorbed back then! It was just easier than trying to deflect on like a busy Saturday night. I would just flash it and they would walk away.

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      • avatar

        Banana September 27, 2013, 2:37 pm

        I actually totally support that use of it! When you’re working, especially a kiosk, you’re trapped. You can’t really deflect or walk away from unwanted attention. In bar, though — why bother with a ring, just use your words and your body language to reject the attention, and walk away.

        FWIW a lot of girls I know personally who do the ring thing, I think are also secretly hoping guys will approach them. After all, the whole reason they’re doing it is because they assume they’ll be approached by guys. It would be a huge ego-blow to wear the ring and then not even have a chance to use it to ward off attention…

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson September 27, 2013, 2:41 pm

        I don’t know who these girls are that can’t go out in public without getting hit on: controversial opinion: they’re either exaggerating how annoying it is or they’re like giving guys the “fuck me” eyes and looking for attention, and then complaining when they come up to them. I only have my own personal experiences and those of my friends, but when we go out together we NEVER get hit on. And two of them are super duper hott. But when we go out we’re not trying to pick up guys, so we’re not putting out those vibes. I don’t know, I kind of hate it when girls talk about how getting hit on is just such this big bother. Or maybe it’s different in other parts of the country? I don’t know.

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        lets_be_honest September 27, 2013, 2:46 pm

        Haha!
        Speak for yourself. I never actually get hit on ever, but I can tell they really want to.

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        SasLinna September 27, 2013, 2:46 pm

        Huge regional/country variation on that one!

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        SasLinna September 27, 2013, 2:51 pm

        Have you ever been to France or Italy?

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        GatorGirl September 27, 2013, 2:56 pm

        Oh when I was in Mexico City my senior year of high school, the hitting on and cat calling was overwhelming! It felt like every single male, regardless of age or relationship status was trying to take me home. My male cousin (who is born and raised there) basically kept an arm around me the entire time.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle September 27, 2013, 2:48 pm

        I don’t know how often is a lot, but I do get hit on enough that it’s bothersome? I mean, it can be flattering, but it’s often too much of an interruption for me? When I go out unaccompanied by my boyfriend, dudes will come up to me even if I haven’t noticed them (so not giving “fuck me” eyes!) and I even get hit on at work? Like wayyy too often? (By visitors, tax people who are there for the week, delivery guys)

        Which I understand why it sounds like bragging (I’m sooo hot I get hit on EVERYWHERE) but I’m just trying to illustrate that it does happen (I also live in a crowded area so, that probably ups the chances of it happening). And it’s bothersome because I have to interact with someone I had no intention of interacting with, & I’m not sure which way it’ll go? And it’s awkward, & I tend to feel awkward a lot of the time anyway, so this encounter is now ratcheting up the awkward by a million?

        I mean, I deal with it, & sometimes it can be fun (like the one delivery guy who was very attractive, & we’d been chatting casually before he was like, “Sooooooooooo…”) but all in all, it’s anxiety-inducing, I guess?

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        kerrycontrary September 27, 2013, 3:10 pm

        I feel you fabelle. Thankfully it doesn’t happen in my work building, but outside, yes. Mostly it’s never fun with me, just infuriating.

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        GatorGirl September 27, 2013, 2:50 pm

        Post college I’ve never had the rampant hitting on, but when I was like 22 and still clubbing guys would be more aggressive.

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      • lemongrass

        Lemongrass September 27, 2013, 2:51 pm

        I used to when I was younger and single but haven’t been hit on in years. I do think if you’re looking for someone you give off a more open vibe that coupled people don’t.

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        bethany September 27, 2013, 2:58 pm

        When I was younger (and actually went out), my friends and I used to get hit on all the time. BUT– I’m really, really social at bars. I love talking to strangers at bars for some reason- guys and girls, it doesn’t matter. But anyway, I think when we went out I just gave off that “Hey, talk to me vibe”, so it used to happen a bit.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle September 27, 2013, 3:04 pm

        I’m just going to elaborate somewhat on my previous statements here, because the “talking to strangers at bars” reminded me— like, I ~don’t~ think it’s terribly annoying to have a dude you’re already chatting with kinda progress to hitting on you? I get it, that happens, people are trying their luck, & if they accept it when you turn them down nicely, then it’s just a blip. It’s just the dudes that come out of NOWHERE, where it gets kind of “Damn, now I have to address this”

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        bethany September 27, 2013, 3:13 pm

        Yes, I’m with you. I like talking to people. It’s the weirdos who come out of nowhere and won’t take the hint that get the “Sorry I’m married”, or whatever.

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        kerrycontrary September 27, 2013, 3:06 pm

        See my comment below, but I’ve been harassed (by strangers) multiple times a week lately. Mostly to and from work. So men telling me that they want to lick me, or not leaving me alone when I tell them to, or calling me “doll” when I don’t know them is fucking annoying.

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      • mylaray

        mylaray September 27, 2013, 3:15 pm

        I do get hit on a lot, but a lot of that is because I’m out alone a lot. I live right in the city so I try to get a lot of errands done by walking. I used to walk to work everyday too. When I’m with my fiancé, I don’t think I’ve ever been hit on, and it only very rarely happens when I’m with my girlfriends. But I think a lot of it is just the city and area I live in. When I lived in other cities, I was never hit on this much. It’s weird and it can be bothersome (because most of the time it comes off as creepy to me even if that wasn’t intentional) but I try not to be too bothered by it, as I know I just get all awkward about it anyways.

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      • JK

        JK September 27, 2013, 2:31 pm

        People really do the engagement ring thing? Wow

        I admit I used to do the “I have a BF” thing. But I was like 18/19 at the time. After that I was fine giving people a (polite) brush off, until at 23 I met my now husband. Why do people have such a hard time communicating? I mean seriously, its the recurring theme in 99% of letters on here and all other advice sites. Of course on the other hand we have the special little flowers that get mortally offended at anything.

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      • lemongrass

        Lemongrass September 27, 2013, 2:48 pm

        I used to wear a fake engagement ring to get into bars when I was a teenager. It worked!

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      • katie

        katie September 27, 2013, 2:54 pm

        haha, that just got you INTO the bar? how does that work??

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      • lemongrass

        Lemongrass September 27, 2013, 3:00 pm

        Didn’t get IDed when wearing one!

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        kerrycontrary September 27, 2013, 3:02 pm

        Ok, so I do NOT do the engagement ring thing. BUT, for the past 2 months I have been hit on or harassed every other day. I would say that I must be looking good, but the feminist in me knows that street harassment is a power play and has nothing to do with how a woman looks/dresses. This has included a man not respecting my “I Have a boyfriend excuse” (“what will he beat me up?” “No I just don’t give my number out to strangers you creep”) and a man talking about my genitals in front of my work. I”ve had it up to here with strangers lately. So if I knew the engagement thing worked, I’d probably do it. For some reason people still respect engaged/married as more committed than just in a, oh, 4 year relationship. But whatever.

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      bethany September 27, 2013, 2:34 pm

      I like the idea of just saying to someone “thanks, but no thanks”, but at a certain point, I feel like it can become a safety issue- Like at 1am when a dude’s drunk, a lot of times “thanks, but I’m not interested” seems like a challenge, and they can keep pushing and pushing, and it can get scary sometimes. “I have a boyfriend/husband” can shut them up and get them to leave you alone.

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    • avatar

      Banana September 27, 2013, 2:43 pm

      Here’s another take: what exactly would prompt that hypothetical conversation in the article? In my experience, I’ve been hit on a lot but only directly propositioned a few times So there’s be no conversational opening for “not interested.” If a guy’s giving me the creeps, I don’t make it into a big statement, I just move away from him and make it clear through my body language and lack of response that I’m not interested. In the few times when guys have directly said, “Hey, wanna go to my place?” or otherwise made a direct offer, I just say no. Never felt I had to have an excuse, and if they gave me crap (which happened once or twice) it seems natural to me to just give them crap back (“I said no, get off my back”) and once even had a bouncer make sure a guy didn’t follow me out.

      Banano and I actually love meeting people at bars in a friendly way — talking to the people around us. We even do it when we’re out separately sometimes (we trust each other a lot). If I sense someone I’m talking to is interested in me, I just drift away (figure if he’s fishing, I will leave him to it). Once again, if I ever got propositioned by one, I’d just say nope.

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      • katie

        katie September 27, 2013, 2:46 pm

        well, i think thats the point. a lot of women have a gut reaction of “no thanks, i have a boyfriend”, like they have to 1. have a reason to say no and 2. have a reason that would be taken seriously enough (ie. having a boyfriend is the ultimate excuse and another man cant argue it).

        it *should* happen like you experience it, all the time. just say no. but most women feel like they have to have an extra layer of insulation against it.

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        Banana September 27, 2013, 3:07 pm

        See, what I’m starting to think though is that it’s not all a “male authority” thing. I think many women are pressured into being “pleasers” and have trouble rejecting guys without an excuse, so they grab for the boyfriend one because it’s the simplest and doesn’t involve personally insulting the guy you’re talking to. I think a lot of women say it out of the desire to avoid hurting someone’s feelings (“I have a boyfriend” is easier to take than “You’re kind of creeping me out”). Which itself is a gender issue (why do women bear the burden of being the accommodaters?) but I don’t think it’s as black and white as the article puts forth (that “I have a boyfriend” translates into “I am owned by a man”)

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      • katie

        katie September 27, 2013, 3:18 pm

        i think its both…. i think women USE it for the reasons you outlined, but i think it WORKS on men because it plays into the male ownership of women.

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        lets_be_honest September 27, 2013, 3:53 pm

        Hmm, is that so bad though? That women don’t like to hurt feelings when rejecting someone? (who isnt creepy, just asking you out)

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        Banana September 27, 2013, 4:50 pm

        I don’t think it’s bad at all, actually. I think that when women feel such EXTREME pressure to be “nice” that they try to be nice even when a guy IS being creepy, that’s wrong. But I have no problem with saying “I have a boyfriend” as a nice way to let a seemingly harmless guy down. (I think I’m trying to say I agree with you?)

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle September 27, 2013, 2:52 pm

        Well, to your first point— like, one time this guy walked up to me from across the bar somewhere, & his opening was, “I’m about to leave, but I just couldn’t without getting your number!” In that case, “I have a boyfriend, sorry” was the best response? (Like, it wasn’t a sex proposition, but it was proposition-y enough)

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle September 27, 2013, 2:55 pm

        By which I mean— it’s not like we were talking & I slowly realized he was interested (which I think is what you were describing)? It was an ambush, haha

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        Banana September 27, 2013, 3:03 pm

        Okay, I get that. I guess I’m just really blunt, ha. I would have automatically said, “Nope!” and turned away.

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      SasLinna September 27, 2013, 2:44 pm

      I think we’re allowed to do whatever is effective. Like, why should I have to bear the burden of teaching some creep the valuable lesson that even if a woman is single she might not want to talk to him? It’s a lost cause, and not my fault. I’ll use any lines that are available to get creepy guys to back off.

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      • katie

        katie September 27, 2013, 2:47 pm

        and honestly, the really creepy ones dont care if you have a boyfriend, at least in my experience.

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        SasLinna September 27, 2013, 2:53 pm

        oh yeah. the times I remember having this conversation the next line was “but he isn’t here, right?”

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      • theattack

        theattack September 27, 2013, 5:04 pm

        Oh god, yes… One time I got that, and I responded that it didn’t matter whether he was there or not. The guy tried to convince me that my then-boyfriend didn’t really love me, so it didn’t matter if I slept with him. If he actually loved me, he would have proposed by then, so he must have been out playing the field to see if there was anyone better. He was probably sleeping with someone else right then. God I wanted to kill that guy.

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      TECH September 27, 2013, 2:46 pm

      I don’t understand saying “I have a boyfriend” to avoid some random guy who is hitting on you. Why not just say “No thanks” and move on? Why would you care about offending some strange guy’s feelings who you never talked to before? Or are people just that worried about what other people think of them? “No thanks” usually suffices in just about every situation.
      If a man is only willing to back off once he realizes he’s encroaching on another man’s “turf” that’s a pretty sad situation.

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        Morgan September 27, 2013, 3:22 pm

        Unfortunately, that is what the situation is some times. “No thanks” isn’t always enough. Even if I walk away I’ve had guys follow me around the bar after saying I’m not interested. And I’m not unattractive, I don’t think, but I’m not like, the hottest girl at the bar either, you know? And its sad that my lack of interest isn’t enough, that if he keeps trying I’ll give in or something. That’s why the “You’re saying no because good girls play hard to get but I know you’re interested” culture is so fucked up. No, I’m saying no to your offer of a drink/dance/request for my number/so you wanna get out of here, because my answer is no. period. end of story. My having or not having a boyfriend is irrelevant.

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        SpaceySteph September 27, 2013, 2:50 pm

        Well the article gives an example of a guy pushing for a reason, not willing to take “no” at face value.
        I am personally not so desirable to have ever been propositioned at a bar in such a way so I can’t say if it’s a reasonable scenario.
        But if a guy doesn’t take no for an answer and pushes for a reason, it’s just saying that by giving in and giving a (real or fake) reason you are reinforcing that there must be some reason and “not interested” is not a good enough reason.

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    • mylaray

      mylaray September 27, 2013, 3:06 pm

      I really liked that article and when I was single and now, I try really hard not to use the I have a boyfriend excuse. I’ve become more comfortable telling men to leave me alone if they continue after saying thanks, but I’m not interested. Last week a man wouldn’t stop, and he asked if I had a boyfriend so I said yes, as I’m walking further away, and then he asked me if I’m happy with him, and if I really do want to be with him, and he started asking for my boyfriend’s name (to prove I’m not lying?) and it was so frustrating that I feel like no matter what I say, the ones who want to pester you are going to do it regardless.

      Yesterday, I got hit on by a young woman, and that’s never happened so blatantly before. I felt a little awkward as always, but it was flattering at least. I did use the I have a boyfriend line (which is true) but in that case, it felt like the better thing to say.

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      SpaceySteph September 27, 2013, 2:42 pm

      So I clicked that link very suspiciously, wondering if it was going to be from a guy who was basically saying something like “I’m a nice guy and I just want to talk and I’m not actually hitting on you oh woe is me everyone thinks I’m a creeper.”
      I do not abide that kind of crap because 1) Most guys who think they are nice are probably actually creepers sometimes/all the time 2) You don’t get to decide if you creep me out, I do and if I decide you creep me out I have a right and responsibility to deflect you and 3) fuck off.

      So I was pleasantly surprised that it wasn’t like that at all. And I agree with the premise. If you’re not interested, then you shouldn’t have to lie about a reason. And men at bars should understand that they are not universally desirable and women are not a buffet for their picking unless another dude (or lady) got to them first. Women don’t need to give you a reason. See #3 above.

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    bethany September 27, 2013, 2:20 pm

    The FB cheating article hit home with me… when I was in college my x-boyfriend essentially did the same thing, but with email. He got married not long after we broke up. It started as a quick email about a shared interest, and it turned into him staying late at work for the sole purpose of emailing me. We talked on the phone, texted, emailed constantly. It eventually did end up with him physically cheating on his wife.
    Looking back I realize I should have called the whole thing off sooner. It was a really shitty thing to do.
    I think there’s a really strong allure to online communication… You can try to make yourself feel less guilty because “Nothing really happened”, but really, when you’re staying late at work, or spending more time on the computer just for digital interaction, clearly “something” is happening.

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      kerrycontrary September 27, 2013, 4:48 pm

      Oh Bethany…That must’ve been hard for everyone involved. I’m big on “the past should stay in the past” for this very reason. Now if this man hadn’t cheated on his wife with you he probably would’ve cheated on her with someone else…but UGH. I think if you can’t share it with your SO then you probably shouldn’t be doing it (walking that fine line between normal privacy and secrecy).

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    SasLinna September 27, 2013, 2:38 pm

    I recently deleted my facebook account. I didn’t have any problems with exes on facebook – and no one ever tried flirting with me through fb. But I started to notice that I was only using it to look at people who I no longer talk to in real life. It’s just weird to me, this sharing of information in front of an audience of people you don’t really care about in the end. I think it can create a sort of fake presence of people in your life that aren’t really there. Anyway, so I kind of understand how facebook can bring back ghosts from the past, though not to the point this guy reached.

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. September 27, 2013, 3:00 pm

    I liked the Facebook article. The author makes a good point about the difference between growing up with Facebook and growing up without it. I grew up without it (and without an internet, too) and it kind of bums me out that digital interaction is slowly replacing inter-personal interaction. I know that there are certain people in my life I’d never speak to if I didn’t have Facebook, because that’s how they communicate. (And I just used “speak” to refer to Facebook interaction. *sigh*) The Facebook generation has a whole new set of rules for dealing with people that I just didn’t have.

    On a somewhat related note, my friends and I were speculating the other day just what our Facebook posts really say about us as people. Taking my recent posts alone, people would learn that I like air racing, deep-fried peaches and that I cruise Ebay looking for vintage Parcheesi pieces. And all about the cool classic Chevy that showed up in my parking garage this morning. But I digress.

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  • avatar

    Addie Pray September 27, 2013, 3:00 pm

    Because everyone is dying to know: I’m supposed to be on a plane right now headed to California but I decided to stay put in Chicago this weekend to catch up on sleep, cleaning, biking, and yoga. And now it’s 2 pm and I”m leaving work early to catch an afternoon movie with my young coworker. BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

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    • iwannatalktosampson

      iwannatalktosampson September 27, 2013, 3:14 pm

      Get er done.

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    HmC September 27, 2013, 3:04 pm

    I find Louis C.K. fucking hilarious and brilliant(season 3 of Louis on Netflix now, yay!). But I do think that a huge part of what makes comedy like his appealing is his unique delivery, tone, etc. It matters a lot if he is saying something with a chuckle in his voice, or angrily, or in a way that he’s clearly being sarcastic, or most importantly in the context of a bigger overall rant, and that gets lost in a written article like this. It’s like when I made a joke on here about “white people problems” and someone was offended (Louis says that all the time and it’s not hateful at all, except maybe against entitled white Americans)- I could see why a comment I make online would be offensive since there is no context of my comment is or what my general attitude is, plus I’m *maybe* not as good with comedic timing as Louis. Sooo yeah my point is just, you shouldn’t judge a comedian by quotes taken out of context and printed online.

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle September 27, 2013, 3:34 pm

      Yes, yes, yes. I totally agree with you.

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    • meadowphoenix

      meadowphoenix September 27, 2013, 6:19 pm

      I completely disagree about him specifically. He has many of the same problems George Carlin has, whom let’s be frank, Louis C.K. is definitely style-jacking. He can be hilariously funny about universal issues, but when it comes social issues, let’s say, he crosses over the line far more than he’d care to admit.

      On his show, he skirts off satire enough for it to be uncomfortable, while pretending that it’s still satire.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray September 27, 2013, 6:44 pm

        George Carlin was the best! (IMHO)

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        jlyfsh September 27, 2013, 7:19 pm

        i remember watching him on hbo when i was younger, i loved him!

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        rachel September 27, 2013, 6:45 pm

        George Carlin was a genius.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray September 27, 2013, 8:11 pm

        WRS

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