Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Friday Links

original

Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

“Women Agreed With Compliments Men Gave Them Online, And It Didn’t Go Well” [via HuffPost]

How cool is this?! Here’s a TV clip of our very own Bcamber and the story about how she discovered a good friend of hers is her half-sister. [via Global News]

“The Baby Checkpoint: How Long Should You Wait to Have Children?” [via Self]

“How Likely Is It That Birth Control Could Let You Down?” [via NYTimes]

“Talking About Estrangement” [via The Toast]

“How marriage makes people healthier” [via The Economist]

“To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This” [via NYTimes]

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to wendy@dearwendy.com and if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

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37 comments… add one
  • Crochet.Ninja

    Crochet.Ninja January 16, 2015, 1:22 pm

    who are these assholes that retract compliments? i’ve always said thank you, or something along the lines of ‘you know it!’ and always have a positive response. the people i’m around like confidence. i’m guessing the majority of the public does not – because they don’t have it.

    or maybe it’s just the people on dating sites that can’t take it??

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. January 16, 2015, 1:23 pm

    The only appropriate response when someone compliments you is “Thank you.” Anything else comes off as conceited. So, we can’t even compliment anyone anymore? Geez.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy January 16, 2015, 3:17 pm

      I think this particular woman was responding the way she did as an experiment. I think the reactions of these men suggests that they don’t think women she feel good about themselves without a man giving them reason or permission to. It’s a power thing. These sorts of guys don’t appreciate women feeling empowered on their own without the “help” of their validating “compliments.”

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  • Addie Pray

    Addie Pray January 16, 2015, 2:12 pm

    Bcamper, I think you’re the first DearWendier to make the Friday links!

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    • honeybeenicki

      honeybeenicki January 16, 2015, 2:21 pm

      Well she’s just that cool!

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom January 19, 2015, 2:11 pm

      I just watched the story. It’s wonderful!!!

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  • Miss MJ

    Miss MJ January 16, 2015, 2:38 pm

    I think “Don’t wait to want one” regarding having kids might be the worst advice I have ever heard. Children aren’t checklist items that you should just have because that’s what people do. They aren’t there to fulfill some need you have or think maybe, kinda, sorta one day you might possibly think that you should have had. They’re people. Only have them if you, right now, want to be responsible for the care, education and development of a thinking, living being that will be totally independent from yourself, will likely not be what you expect and owes you nothing AND you are prepared to sacrifice all that you need to do to make that happen and love that person unconditionally, even if they are nothing like what you “wanted” your kids to be. The end.

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    • avatar

      SasLinna January 16, 2015, 2:53 pm

      I think doctors tend to be biased with that one since they tend to see a lot of people who experience fertility problems later on, but probably don’t talk a whole lot to the people who have stayed childfree and still don’t want kids in their late thirties or forties. I do believe making a more ‘logic-based’ choice for having kids is right for some people, but it’s definitely not something that you can advise to everybody regardless of how they describe their attitude towards having kids. It’s almost like the advice assumes that everyone is going to be happy having kids, regardless of their motive for first trying to have them.

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    • avatar

      Kate January 16, 2015, 2:58 pm

      I was thinking that too, then I got distracted and didn’t write a reply. I am SO GLAD I didn’t have a kid even though I didn’t really want one. I’ll be 40 in a few months, and I’m sure there are others like me out there who just… kids are not for them and they’d be happier without. And yeah, what does that do to the kid if I have one and it wasn’t really what I wanted to do? Wtf. The author of that article should be a Big Sister or other type of mentor for teen girls, or just hang out with her nieces and kids’ friends. She should not get pregnant unless she starts to feel the desire for a child.

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      • avatar

        Kate January 16, 2015, 2:58 pm

        *friends’ kids, not kids’ friends

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      • Miss MJ

        Miss MJ January 16, 2015, 3:14 pm

        I thought that she should be a teen mentor, too, since that’s what she feels strongly about. Whose to even say that her hypothetical teen would (a) even be a girl and (b) have a rough adolescence, anyway?

        I know people who have had kids because that’s what they were “supposed” to do. And while the kids are well cared for and not physically neglected or abused or anything, it is very, very obvious that they are a major inconvenience to them.

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      • veritek33

        veritek33 January 16, 2015, 3:49 pm

        I became a big sister this year.

        Random, but highly recommend. My little and I so far enjoy swimming and making pizza. We’re a match made in heaven.

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      • avatar

        MsMisery January 19, 2015, 12:40 pm

        You’re awesome 🙂

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    • avatar

      RedroverRedrover January 16, 2015, 4:34 pm

      As someone who didn’t wait to want one, I disagree.
      .
      I got to the age where it was either have one now, or never have one. And I didn’t have a strong urge either way. I didn’t *want* one, but I didn’t not want one either. So for me, it was a logical decision rather than an emotional one. And I actually prefer it that way because it forced me to spend a lot of time thinking it through, rather than just responding to a biological need. You can do everything you described (take the responsibility, sacrifice, etc) without having your biological clock to tell you it’s time.

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      • avatar

        Sara January 16, 2015, 10:11 pm

        Thank you. I think this will be logical decision for me, too. I’m close to “now or never.” I think I’m anxious about taking the next step *because* I take this decision so seriously.

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      • avatar

        RedroverRedrover January 17, 2015, 10:39 am

        Good luck! If you ever want to talk about it, let me know. And if it makes you feel any better, I think I would have been happy either way. I’m glad I chose the way I did, but looking at the life I used to have, I think I could have been happy with it too.

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom January 19, 2015, 2:26 pm

      That whole article was awful. She just assumes that if she has a child it will be a girl and as a teen, her imaginary daughter will want to come to her for advice about boys and other teen things. Her teen daughter is much more likely to confide in her friends. She sounds delusional and narcissistic if she thinks her daughter wants to hear that her mom didn’t really want a baby but had one anyway. Does she think her daughter would want to hear that she was unwanted? Now if she does have a baby that child will someday find those words out there on the internet and she won’t be able to take them back, even if she regrets them, even if they emotionally harm any child she has. I hate to think about her having a son since that thought doesn’t seem to have crossed her mind. When you have a baby, you get who you get. You don’t pick their personality or interests or talents or what they look like. It all unfolds as they grow and you find out who they are and each one is so different and unique you can’t really imagine who they will be, you wait and find out.

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  • Miel

    Miel January 16, 2015, 3:05 pm

    It’s the second time I see the NY Times article about birth control and I just have this question : What is typical use ?! I know that the definition is “what real people do on average”, but what do real people do ? I’m on the pill, I have been for 4 years now and I’ve never forgot my pill in 4 years. Not a single one. I take it at the same time every day. Is that typical use ? I can’t believe that would be. I believe that’s the definition of perfect use. But what is typical use ? Forget a pill per month on average ? Forget a pill per 6 months ? Forget a pill but take it less than 12 hours later, once a month ?
    .
    I don’t know. I just want to stop freaking out when I see those diagrams.

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    • avatar

      SasLinna January 16, 2015, 3:12 pm

      I don’t know how typical use is defined exactly, but I’ve seen that with regard to condoms it includes sometimes not using one! Obviously that’s going to majorly affect the statistics. I’ve been using condoms close to perfectly (I believe) for many years and never got pregnant. With a near-perfect use of the pill you’re even safer. There’s always some danger of human error, but ‘average’ behavior seems to be enormously risky behavior and if you’re pretty conscientious you might be far from average.

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      • avatar

        RedroverRedrover January 16, 2015, 4:52 pm

        I used condoms for about 16 years, never had one pregnancy with them. I did have a couple of broken condoms, but luckily Plan B is easily available here and I always got it.
        .
        I think one way to use condoms “wrong” is if the guy doesn’t grab the base of it as he’s pulling out. Then it slides off a little and I guess some sperm could get out. Luckily for me, I’ve always been with guys who were as concerned about pregnancy as I was. I don’t know who these guys are who just risk it and then take off.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy January 16, 2015, 3:18 pm

      If my DW inbox is any indication, “typical” use is forgetting your pill three times a month or so. Every month.

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      • avatar

        Kate January 16, 2015, 3:19 pm

        Hahahaha!

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    • avatar

      RedroverRedrover January 16, 2015, 4:36 pm

      I would never go on the pill, because I’m awful at remembering to take them. So the “typical” use probably includes people like me who just lose track of time and days. Of course, if I forgot a pill, I’d be the kind of person who would use condoms afterward (or not have sex) until I’d gotten back on schedule. I can’t believe people just go ahead and have unprotected sex anyway. What do you think is going to happen?

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      • Portia

        Portia January 18, 2015, 11:45 am

        This is why I went away from hormonal pills during the last few years of my degree. I was just so terrible at remembering every day, so it was pointless.

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      MsMisery January 19, 2015, 12:44 pm

      I started taking it as a teen and I may have forgotten it more often then (like, taken it the next day, which according to package directions was ok for that brand), but after a while it just became routine. I don’t forget them now and I never had any scares. Once you establish taking it, I don’t understand forgetting it. Either take it with something (your other meds, a vitamin, breakfast), write a note, or set an alarm or something. I just do it first thing getting up in the morning.

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      • avatar

        RedroverRedrover January 19, 2015, 1:14 pm

        I don’t get up at the same time each day. If possible on the weekends I sleep till like noon. 🙂 I don’t do anything unfailingly at the same time every day. I guess I could set an alarm so I have to wake up, take the pill, then go back to sleep. But nah. Plus I used to travel a lot for work, mainly to Europe, which meant taking it at the same time all the time would’ve been a huge pain in the ass. I don’t mind condoms, and none of my past boyfriends ever complained. That’s what my husband and I used till we decided to have a kid, as well.

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy January 19, 2015, 2:04 pm

        How do you manage to sleep past 7, let alone until noon, with a kid? tell me your secrets!!!

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      • avatar

        RedroverRedrover January 19, 2015, 2:19 pm

        My wonderful huuuuuuusbaaaaaand! We take turns. 🙂 Each of us gets one weekend day to sleep in, while the other gets up early with our son. Works really well for us.

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy January 19, 2015, 2:58 pm

        Oooohhh. Nice!

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      • avatar

        RedroverRedrover January 19, 2015, 3:08 pm

        Yeah, I don’t know why more parents don’t do this! When I told my friends, their minds were blown. I need to sleep in! 🙂

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    • avatar

      SpaceySteph January 25, 2015, 6:18 pm

      Here’s a paper from the NIH that explains “typical use”… sort of: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3638209/

      Here’s the relevant passage:
      Typical use does not imply that a contraceptive method was always used. In the NSFG and in most clinical trials, a woman is ‘using’ a contraceptive method if she considers herself to be using that method… In short, ‘use’—which is identical to ‘typical use’—is a very elastic concept that depends entirely on an individual woman’s perception.

      So basically, typical use stats are based on a sample pool of people who report using it. While some, like you, are good about taking the pill every day at the same time, others who report that they are “on the pill” may actually be really shitty about it. You both go into the same sample pool and out comes an average. So, while the pill is not 100% effective, if you use it like you do, your results will be far better than the typical use. Then there’s anecdata of women who have had multiple accidental pregnancies on the pill because they don’t take it regularly. The average is somewhere in the middle.

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph January 25, 2015, 6:25 pm

        Wanted to add… it’s worth noting that typical use approaches perfect use, the easier the method is to use. So condoms, you have to use one every time you have sex… typical use is not doing that, so there is a big gap between perfect and typical use there.
        Pill is a little easier, because missing one pill every now and then is not usually enough to undo the efficacy of the pill.
        Then you get something like an IUD, which you literally have to do nothing for about 5 years in order to use right. So typical use results there are better not necessarily because the method is that much more effective, but because it’s easier to use correctly.

        So like take this chart from that paper: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3638209/table/T1/
        If you notice, the copper IUD 1 year perfect use is 0.6% of women get pregnant. That’s actually WORSE than the hormonal pill, which shows 0.3% of women get pregnant within one year of perfect use. But when you look at typical use, IUD typical use is 0.8% which is basically the same as perfect use… but in typical pill use, it goes up to 9% which is terrifyingly high.

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    Kate January 16, 2015, 3:09 pm

    I just read this in a Washington Post article… reassuring.

    A review published in May in the journal Contraception shows that most unintended pregnancies on typical pills (those containing a combination of estrogen and progestin) occur only after two or three missed doses in a row.

    “If a woman misses one pill every cycle, probably it’s not going to have a lot of impact on the pill’s effectiveness,” says Caroline Moreau, a Johns Hopkins epidemiologist specializing in fertility and contraceptive use. “Levels of hormones are going to be high enough that it’s going to suppress ovulation even if one pill is missed for 24 hours.”

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    • Miel

      Miel January 16, 2015, 3:17 pm

      The words “misses one pill every cycle” are already giving me a syncope.

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    • Miss MJ

      Miss MJ January 16, 2015, 3:17 pm

      Anecdotal evidence alert: I’ve been taking BC pills for about 18 years now (with only one brief break). I have occasionally missed one pill and taken it late – never more than one in a row – and I have never gotten pregnant. For whatever that is worth.

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  • avatar

    bcamber January 16, 2015, 8:00 pm

    Woot woot made the Friday links!!!

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  • mylaray

    mylaray January 16, 2015, 8:11 pm

    In my experience many doctors are inadequate in informing patients of the true risks of getting pregnant with each form of contraception. A lot of people don’t know that it is compounded over time. Back in my slutty phase when I was getting the depo provera injection and made it clear I wasn’t in a relationship, I had a doctor tell me I could stop using condoms now since I wouldn’t get pregnant on the injection. The very brief time I was on the pill I was never told to take it at the same time each day (and actually had no idea about that until recently). I don’t know how easy it is to figure out but I would be curious in knowing the stats when you combine multiple forms (over time).

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