Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Friday Links

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Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

The Clooney Effect: Introducing the age of the Trophy Husband [via The Atlantic]
Helen Fisher’s latest study on American singles flips stereotypical relationship dynamics

“Being Thin Didn’t Make Me Happy, But Being ‘Fat’ Does” [via Huffington Post]

If you’re at all active on social media, you’ve probably seen pictures in the last couple days of “the dress.” Here, “The Two Women Behind The Dress Definitively Reveal Its Color” [via Slate]

“The Trials And Tribulations Of A Token Pretty Girl” [via Ravishly]

“Fifty Shades of Grey Is a Great Dating Guide” [via NYMag]

“The Marriage Secret No One Wants To Admit” [via HuffPost]

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to wendy@dearwendy.com and, if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

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32 comments… add one
  • Diablo

    Diablo February 27, 2015, 1:41 pm

    Regarding the marriage secret, I’m convinced that one of the keys to a longlasting marriage is learning to fight well. You are going to fight. Some of the time, it will be your fault. Sometimes it will be because you are wrong on some important issue, or failing to see your spouse’s point of view. More times, it will be because you are acting like a spoiled stupid dick. Everything idiotic or pointless about you is going to come out over 25 years or so. So you have to learn how to fight without breaking the thing. So many friends in moments of trouble have said, “You don’t do THAT, do you?” in reference to their own fighting. They seem to think that we always talk things over sensibly, and never scream at each other. Well, we do. But somehow we avoid saying the things you can’t come back from. Somehow we avoid crossing the lines that kill respect and intimacy, and have ended relationships of people we know. And a few times we cross them, but still find forgiveness. And a lot of times, our fights turn silly and become fun, where we hurl ridonkulous insults at each other, often taken from movies like Anchorman. I’ve taken the sting out of a couple of fights by calling my wife a “smelly pirate hooker.” Who’da thunk that would work?

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    • honeybeenicki

      honeybeenicki February 27, 2015, 1:48 pm

      We try our best to fight fair. And honestly, we don’t really scream at each other. Yes, we’ve raised voices (but rarely) but we made a promise to each other to try talking things out and dealing with them right away before they became big things. And to fight fair. We aren’t always good at it, but we make it work.
      .
      The best advice I have for anyone fighting (other than calling your wife a smelly pirate hooker, which works too) is to get naked. I mean, who can argue when they’re naked? That’s just silly.

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    • avatar

      cinnamonwhiskk February 27, 2015, 4:15 pm

      Anchorman quotes for the win! My partner and I have to do the same and make a complaint or fight into a joke. We both hate fighting so much that to make fun of the fighting itself stops/lessens the feelings and then we’ll talk about it later.

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    • Portia

      Portia February 27, 2015, 5:20 pm

      We do Anchorman insults too! Eventually I’ll say “well, you have bad hair” and Bassanio will do his impression of the fire eyes. It’s impossible not to dissolve into laughter after that.

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  • honeybeenicki

    honeybeenicki February 27, 2015, 1:53 pm

    I liked the article about being fat and happy. I decided I’d had enough and started losing weight in may of last year. Between May 9 and November 14th, I lost 31 pounds just by eating less crap, eating more good stuff and walking every day. And at every 10 pounds I lost, I rewarded myself (with edible things, because I’m food motivated). I heard a lot of shit from people around me – “oh you shouldn’t eat that if you’re trying to lose weight,” “you’ll lose weight faster if you give up soda all together,” “that doesn’t look like something you should be eating,” but ultimately I didn’t want to be thin and unhappy. I wanted to be happy and healthier. Since I had finally been diagnosed with hypothyroidism and could effectively lose weight, I wanted to do it at my own pace without depriving myself. I occasionally deprived myself (do you know how many calories there are in a funnel cake?!) but I didn’t completely take away everything I enjoyed. Moderation was key. Now I’m gaining weight and it’s hard for me in my head because I just worked so hard to lose some of it, but apparently that’s what happens when you get knocked up.

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    • avatar

      K February 27, 2015, 2:02 pm

      Yes – this is so important. Total deprivation doesn’t work. You can still enjoy “bad for you” foods while you are on your weight loss journey.

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    • Lady_Red

      Red_Lady February 27, 2015, 2:29 pm

      Yes to moderation!! It’s totally not worth being skinny if you can’t eat delicious food. There’s definitely a balance. My Grandma had a magnet on her fridge this said “nothing tastes as good as being thin feels” and I always thought it was so dumb.

      I lost weight before I good pregnant too, and it was so weird to watch the number on the scale go up, after so long watching it go down. I did pretty good for most of the pregnancy, gaining a minimum amount, till I skyrocketed in the final months. Now I have 20lbs to loose, and it’s bullshit about breastfeeding helping with weight loss, for me at least.

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      • honeybeenicki

        honeybeenicki February 27, 2015, 3:25 pm

        Yeah, I’ve heard that for some people they lose weight breastfeeding, but some people don’t. It burns calories, but also makes you hungry so that seems counter-productive to me. I figure I can worry about all that after I have the baby and get on a schedule and everything.
        .
        And girl scout cookies taste much better than being thin feels.

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    • Diablo

      Diablo February 27, 2015, 2:31 pm

      I have waited to say anything about this to lots of people (even those who know what i look like IRL), because i wanted it to stick and be for real before i started beaking off. But i reached my point this past November. I started watching what i eat and working out. I have lost 28 pounds so far, though as a big guy, I have a ways to go before i am exactly twiggy. One of the things i’ve found out is that there is a certain segment of my acquaintance who expect some kind of born again, all health and virtue kind of attitude to accompany this. Hah! I have NEVER embraced virtue willingly. I personally prefer sloth, vice and excess. I’m only doing this to keep my doctor off my back and to feel better and have more energy. I don’t care if i get thin. I don’t care how i will look at the beach (Spoiler: 49 yo guy with a gut). My doc was threatening me with medications, which so far i have been lucky enough to avoid, while my missus and most of my friends are mostly on some sort of high blood pressure, cholesterol and other typical middle-aged meds. I am a degenerate case: i have been blessed with good health and minimal consequences for my profligate lifestyle. I have dishonoured that gift, and I am just trying to rebalance a bit and stay med-free. So, yeah, I reward myself with ice cream now and again. I have a few drinks when i am jamming with my guitar buddy. And to all the well-meaning people who think i’ve turned from the Dark Side: your Virtue is your problem. i have no intention of tarnishing myself with it. End rant.

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      • honeybeenicki

        honeybeenicki February 27, 2015, 3:27 pm

        Ha – as far as the being blessed with the minimal consequences, I was the same. But after I lost 30 lbs…. my cholesterol skyrocketed. WTF? I mean, I went through all that trouble to lose weight and THEN my cholesterol got bad? That’s not cool.

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      • Mr. Cellophane

        Mr. Cellophane February 28, 2015, 10:06 am

        @Diablo, I could have written this almost word for word. Except that I just reached the breaking point earlier this week. The first digit on the scale was a 3 for the first, and hopefully only, time in my life. While it has been fun packing on 75 pounds over the last 10 years, it is time to get off the train to diabeetus.

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      • Diablo

        Diablo February 28, 2015, 3:49 pm

        Good luck with your journey. I don’t have much advice. I’ve just been basically gutting it out on an exercise bike we’ve had gathering dust for a while. It minimizes the time I have to invest versus, say, going to a gym, allowing me time to also keep doing my other hobbies/habits, online poker and guitar. If I had to give up guitar, i likely wouldn’t keep up with the exercise. Not eating – the simplest yet most difficult thing in the world. Try to pretend the food you aren’t eating is unpalatable anyway – “Who wants a turnip? Blech!” Take liberal doses of punk rock to manage your rage.

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    • avatar

      Sunshine Brite February 27, 2015, 2:50 pm

      Yes, when I started coaching for the fitness company that really got me back into fitness I’m not really looking to get ripped, I’m looking to get back where I was when I didn’t really have to think to have working out be what I did. I still have a sweet tooth and like a happy hour/nightcap with the best of them, but some of the other coaches have me questioning not going for optimal health.

      I got healthy enough (aka consistent enough) to get diagnosed with PCOS so hopefully my hormones will balance out and the weight to get back to where I feel strong will come along with it. All while avoiding going back to any disordered eating behaviors and avoiding pro-ana/mia materials. Learning to be nice to myself is the best.

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  • avatar

    Kate February 27, 2015, 1:59 pm

    I keep seeing articles like this and I wonder if there’s something wrong with us, because we don’t fight. I did start to lose my shit about the floor a few weeks ago because the dog walker had walked all over it with salty boots and no matter how much I cleaned it it still had a white film on it. I was afraid it was ruined, and my husband was like, it’s not, I’ll fix it. And I said, I don’t want you to fix it, I just want you to acknowledge that it’s ruined. Then I took the dog out and when I got home he had googled it and was cleaning the floor with hot water and I said thank you and I’m sorry I got upset. That’s the worst thing that’s happened. I wonder if we’re just going to go nuclear someday.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy February 27, 2015, 3:49 pm

      I wonder if it might be different if you had kids. I can count on one hand — well, on a couple fingers, really — the amount of fights Drew and I had before we had a child. Now, we fight more frequently, though probably still a little less than average. We’ll have to see what a second kid does to us…

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      • avatar

        Anonymous February 27, 2015, 6:24 pm

        Yeah I bet it would be different with kids. I just can’t imagine screaming or calling names, not that I haven’t done that in the past and not that my mom didn’t model that behavior!

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    • Lady_Red

      Red_Lady February 27, 2015, 6:16 pm

      I wonder the same thing. I’m pretty sure my husband and I have never yelled at each other, and any disagreements we have tend to be resolved pretty quickly. We’re both very easy going people, and just haven’t come across any disagreements yet that we both feel really strongly about.

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  • Lianne

    Lianne February 27, 2015, 3:29 pm

    OK this dress is driving me up a f*&%ing wall. When I first saw it this morning it was absolutely white and gold. Now it’s blue and black. I am not crazy. Someone on the internet is screwing with us all!

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    • honeybeenicki

      honeybeenicki February 27, 2015, 4:05 pm

      I didn’t even see anything about the dress until this morning and then all of a sudden my news feed blew up with it. I always saw it as blue and black (well, blue and dark brown) so I guess I’m awesome? Or something? I have no clue why this is even a thing. I do find the articles about the science behind why we see it differently to be fascinating.

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      • Lianne

        Lianne February 27, 2015, 4:12 pm

        I hadn’t either until this morning. Now I just want it to go. a. way.

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    • TaraMonster

      TaraMonster February 27, 2015, 4:14 pm

      Same here. I just looked at it again and it’s blue and black. It was white and gold yesterday and today. I’m losing it!

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      • Lianne

        Lianne February 27, 2015, 4:17 pm

        See TaraMonster. Someone is out to get us.

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      • kare

        kare February 27, 2015, 6:51 pm

        I liked this article since the explanation made sense http://www.wired.com/2015/02/science-one-agrees-color-dress/

        I personally see it differently on my phone vs laptop and also if I look at a light source then the pic. I’m just glad there’s a scientific explanation. Yay science!

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  • avatar

    Laura Hope February 27, 2015, 3:33 pm

    I keep a journal. When I get mad at my husband I really try (if possible) to write a few pages before I attack him. Most of the time, being able to let it fly (you can say anything that comes to mind on paper) helps to avoid many unnecessary fights. Of course if he ever reads my journal, I’m screwed.

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  • coconot

    coconot February 27, 2015, 3:34 pm

    I honestly am still not sure how anyone sees it as white and gold. I feel like you people are all lying to troll me 🙂 In the brighter pics I see it as light blue and brown/copper but I can definitely tell it’s blue no matter what version of the picture I see, and I’ve put it on two devices and varied the screen brightness across its full range!

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    • Lianne

      Lianne February 27, 2015, 4:17 pm

      Girl. I will tell you, it looked NOTHING like blue or black. NOTHING. It’s mildly infuriating. And frankly, I am ashamed that I even care.

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      • muchachaenlaventana

        muchachaenlaventana February 27, 2015, 4:19 pm

        yeah I wish I could see the black, but even knowing the dress is black does not help. I do see the blue, like a light lavenderish/periwinkle in some of them but even moving my screen, changing angle and lighting no. The closest I get is that the gold looks bronzish brown.

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      • avatar

        K February 27, 2015, 4:27 pm

        Same here, I can see where people are getting periwinkle, but the gold/bronze is definitely not black at all to my eye. Meanwhile my artist boyfriend who works with color palettes and digital painting all day long said it was black (actually he described it as “bituminous coal”) and said he could tell it was black b/c of the highlights – ok??

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      • Lianne

        Lianne February 27, 2015, 4:37 pm

        That’s what I saw this morning, if I squinted/moved my screen. The colors are COMPLETELY different now – both the link Wendy included and the original post I saw on Facebook. Which is why I think someone is f*&%ing with us.

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  • avatar

    K February 27, 2015, 4:47 pm

    OMG I just clicked on the link and same for me! I have only seen it as white/periwinkle and gold up until right now. Nooooooo! But, other links to the dress on other sites, I still see it as white and gold. So now I’m just really confused.

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  • avatar

    Sara February 27, 2015, 5:53 pm

    I read the “marriage secret” essay – and some of the comments. A lot of people were like, “This is a lie. My husband/wife and I don’t fight. Sometimes we have heated discussions, though.” And I just keep thinking – what does a fight look like? How do you tell the difference between a heated discussion and a fight? Because if a discussion got heated, I’d feel like it’s a fight – even if we don’t do or say anything we’ll regret later.

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    • Lady_Red

      Red_Lady February 27, 2015, 6:19 pm

      Yeah, I’d classify a heated discussion as a fight.

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