Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Friday Links

03-boyfriend-muscle.w529.h352

Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

“Is His ‘Boyfriend Muscle’ Out of Shape?” [via The Cut]

Female company president: “I’m sorry to all the mothers I worked with” [via Fortune.com]

“Let’s Really Be Friends: A defense of online intimacy” [via New Republic]

Beautiful essay discussing the meaning of rings in relationships [via Manifest Station]

“4 Things to Keep in Mind If You’re Going to Take a “Break”” [via Popsugar Love]

This is interesting. Any thoughts? “Medicating Women’s Feelings” [via NYTimes]

“Study shows men are more narcissistic than women. Surprises no one.” [via Washington Post]

[photo via]

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to wendy@dearwendy.com and if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

20 comments… add one
  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark March 6, 2015, 1:23 pm

    Um, really? When it comes to narcissism, I’d say the two sexes are hilariously evenly matched.

    Reply Link
    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy March 6, 2015, 1:32 pm

      I actually think women tend to be more narcissistic then men, so I was surprised by the title of the article, myself.

      Reply Link
      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy March 6, 2015, 1:33 pm

        But I think men tend to be more arrogant. Maybe the difference in subtle, but definitely noticeable, in my humble opinion.

        Link
      • avatar

        MsMisery March 6, 2015, 1:39 pm

        Agreed, but then again, maybe I am confusing “narcissism” with “vanity.”

        Link
      • sobriquet

        sobriquet March 6, 2015, 2:32 pm

        Have you been to a gym lately? It’s the men who can’t stop staring at their reflections… haha. I actually think we’re ALL full of ourselves. It’s human nature. I think narcissism simply manifests in different ways depending on gender.

        Link
    • something random

      something random March 6, 2015, 9:19 pm

      My hunch is you’re right.

      Some of the questions that participants ranked included ” If I ruled the world, it would be a much better place” and “I know that I am good because everyone keeps telling me “I like having authority over people” and “I insist upon getting the respect that is due to me.”

      I think woman are just as likely to possess the “manipulativeness, self-absorption, aggression and arrogance” associated with the big five personality definition of narcissism but less likely to admit to agreeing with those statements during a study because there are more negative social consequences at stake.

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    MsMisery March 6, 2015, 1:38 pm

    Re: the online intimacy article. In adulthood and outside of work, I’ve met some of the greatest friends online (and we met on MYSPACE, so Facebook be damned!). Granted, we’ve never met IRL (one lives in NC and one in New Zealand), but we talk regularly, exchange cards and gifts, all the things “regular” friends do. I talk to them more often than some of my IRL friends who live nearby. I would actually love to meet them, it’s just logistics. I think the stigma of online relationships being any less “real” is coming to an end, especially when so many online dates turn into marriages.

    Reply Link
    • othy

      othy March 6, 2015, 1:43 pm

      Agreed! I’ve met some of my best friends online. I’ve met a handful of them in person. One of my friends from the group (who is an IRL friend) actually invited all of them to his wedding. A couple were going to come but ended up having a family emergency and couldn’t make it. I am meeting one of them for lunch next Friday, since we’re driving through his town on the way to my brother’s house. I’m so excited!

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    K March 6, 2015, 2:16 pm

    I’ve also been to the wedding of an online friend, and have met up with a few others around the country. And I have a bunch of great friends I met through my hiking group which is a Meetup group.

    Reply Link
    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy March 6, 2015, 3:04 pm

      I made my real first online friend in 1999 (on a message board of an author we both liked). We are still friends 16 years later and have hung out in person lots of times (she lives in milwaukee, so when I still lived in chicago, we actually saw each a couple times a year). In the early days, when we emailed almost daily, she probably knew more about me/ what was going on in my life than many of my IRL friends.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        Wendy (not Wendy) March 7, 2015, 4:11 am

        Which author? Just curious. I’ve met several of my closest friends in a similar way. Some friendships haven’t really worked in person, and other friendships have only really taken off after meeting in person. I never think about these being people I “met online” until someone asks how we became friends. I have so many friends and acquaintances from college and previous jobs that I only interact with online anymore anyway.

        Link
      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy March 7, 2015, 10:35 am

        The author was SARK, who writes like self-help books for the female creative set. I’m not as much as fan of hers as I used to be back in the late 90s/ early 2000s. Back then, she had a popular message board that I spent a lot of time on when I had a boring office job. It was a very open, supportive community and kind of an inspiration for the message board I created here on DW.

        Link
  • avatar

    TheRascal March 6, 2015, 3:19 pm

    My ex was the first online friend I made. We met on MySpace….

    Reply Link
  • the_optimist

    the_optimist March 6, 2015, 3:36 pm

    That article on rings was so beautiful.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    rieux March 6, 2015, 6:42 pm

    The Popsugar article on breaks is hilarious:
    “Well every relationship and situation is different, but there tends to be two kinds of breaks:

    The breaks that lead to making up
    The breaks that lead to breaking up”

    YOU THINK?

    But it did remind me of an on-again off-again relationship I used to be in, where we broke up so much that we actually had the catchphrase “Is this a Ross break or a Rachel break?” We both preferred the Ross breaks 😉

    Reply Link
  • something random

    something random March 6, 2015, 8:42 pm

    Okay people, I’ve got a rant. And it’s going to be long-winded. You’ve been warned.

    I felt uneasy about the Medicating women’s feelings piece. I’m always a bit weary of clinicians who write strong opinion pieces and are attempting to make money from selling pop-psych books to the general public. I feel the message coming across in this article carries the potential for harm. In my experience the best clinicians are good listeners and able to see each patient as an individual case that they have to dedicate time and concentration towards to understand. They avoid judgment in order to foster an environment of safety for their clients. Clinicians with strong personal bias (that aren’t examined and owned) make less accurate diagnosis, are more judgmental, and are prone to seeing what they expect to see. Obviously this is an opinion piece and should be taken as such. If this was Tom Cruise claiming that SSRIs are poison, I wouldn’t bat an eye. But despite his claims, nobody sees Tom Cruise as an authority on mental health and people are less likely to apply his ideas to their own mental health treatment.

    This isn’t to say that there wasn’t truth in the article. Just about everything she said was true:
    Woman are hardwired for hormonal fluctuation and feelings including fear and pain.

    Our emotional lives are deeply intertwined with our physical states and the connection between sleep, light, nutrition, exercise, touch, and social circumstances.

    Our health care system is highly capitalized and there is a tremendous amount of profit to be gained through pharmaceuticals. This undoubtedly influences the course of treatments practitioners provide.

    Being over-medicated can definitely blunt typical and healthy emotional responses.

    There are many historically documented reasons to believe that a young, white, male, neuro-typical model is the norm to which other people are diagnostically and unfairly compared. This leads to trying to make holes into rectangles.

    These are all interesting sound points that I would have loved to have read about more in depth. But I was uncomfortable with the direction she went (or sometimes didn’t go) with all of these points. It seemed like she was using them all to justify saying 1) we are ridiculously over-medicated with mood affecting drugs. And the more implicit message 2) The layperson, or common family practitioner can’t possibly have the diagnostic experience or qualification to determine the appropriate application of SSRIs. Better leave it to the specialized psychiatrists who know best.
    What I disliked about the blanket generalization of all of us being over-medicated is that she offers no real numbers to support the claim. It’s all anecdotal. So what if one in four women have sought relief through SSRIs? I’m pretty sure I’ve read one in four women have been raped or sexually abused. I’m pretty sure more than one in four women in this country self-medicate stress and trauma with alcohol , food, and pot. Are SRRI’s really so unhealthy? I’m pretty sure more than one out of four women get epidurals before labor or pop a midal during that time of the month. Is buffering pain really so bad?

    Personally I’ve had a lot of success using SSRIs. I haven’t been under the delusion that they were a cure all or think I didn’t have to work hard, get educated on myself, and make choices about my lifestyle. But without medication the other options would have been so much harder if not impossible to apply. But maybe I’m one of the REAL cases. Not like those other cry-babies who need to toughen up instead of begging for a completely un-stigmatized, fully accepted diagnosis of depression.
    And even if people are over-medicating, how is telling people to stop labeling sadness and anxiety as uncomfortable symptoms helpful diagnostically? Shouldn’t this Julie Holland be focusing on improving screening techniques? It’s not like people write themselves prescriptions. Her little anecdote about the woman who thought she might need an increase in SSRIs but just needed a pep talk? All I could think was good, so this psychiatrist did her job. Isn’t that what she is SUPPOSED to determine? In a respectful, thoughtful manner as I outlined in my first paragraph? I suppose towards the end of the article she tried to make a distinction between medicated and overmedicated. She said if medication “makes you complacent it helps no one”. And “when we are overmedicated, our emotions become synthetic.” Obviously, if a medication or dosage is a bad fit and isn’t helping adjustments are needed. I can’t wrap my head around why she would take one of the most empirically proven treatment options and try to scare people off from considering meds?

    Okay this is getting too long. I almost regret responding because I don’t share her opinion and hate to draw attention towards it.
    End Rant.

    Reply Link
    • something random

      something random March 6, 2015, 10:35 pm

      Did I scare everyone off? Rah Roh. That only sounds good when Addie does it.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        d2 March 7, 2015, 10:56 am

        Way to kill a fun weekend thread, SR! 🙂 Just joking.

        This was a challenging article to digest. In the end, I didn’t interpret her as being anti SSRIs – she did provide an anecdotal account of a patient to whom she was prescribing SSRIs. Instead, I interpreted her as being against over-medication and incorrect medication.
        However, her broad-stroke approach to the topic does come off as anti-SRRI. I also felt like her tone implies that the patient is the cause of mis-medication, instead of those who write the prescriptions.
        I suspect that her intent (I haven’t read her book, only the article) is to suggest that a balance of therapy and appropriate medication is the best approach, but that message is obscured in her negative presentation.

        Link
      • avatar

        something random March 8, 2015, 10:42 pm

        I hope I didn’t kill it off for everybody! I had fun. I think you said things much more succinctly than I did. I didn’t really interpret her as being anti SSRIs as much as anti SSRI’s being prescribed inappropriately. But I don’t think she made a very clear case about how much misuse is out there.

        Link
  • Lyra

    Lyra March 7, 2015, 9:37 am

    I really love the symbolism of the ring. I’ve been thinking of that a lot since we’ve been looking at wedding bands recently. I really love the symbolism of the braided wedding band — at the core it’s more religious than anything, but essentially it symbolizes weaving your lives together and supporting each other. I just love that.

    Reply Link

Leave a Comment