Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Friday Links

Love 2

Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

“24 Signs You’ve Found Your Soul Mate” [via PopSugar Love]

Very interesting read: “The Man Whose Brain Borrowed Nearby Identities” [via NY Mag]

“Scary Smart: Do intelligent people worry more?” [via Slate]

“The average wedding guest will spend $673 this year” [via Market Watch]

Well, someone really hates mass, public marriage proposals: “This Is Why You Don’t Pitch Us Your Marriage Proposal” [DCist]

“The Moral Bucket List” [via NYTimes]

“Why I’ll Always Put My Husband Before My Kids” [via Yahoo]

“I Sat In on My Son’s Sex-Ed Class, and I Was Shocked by What I Heard” [via The Stranger]

For you Canadians: “Cheap date index’ lists Toronto, Ottawa among best cities for frugal romance” [via CBC]

“Thousands Of Young Women In U.S. Forced Into Marriage” [via NPR]

“The grooming decision that makes men attractive to twice as many women” [Mirror UK]

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to wendy@dearwendy.com and, if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

39 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Michelle April 17, 2015, 12:46 pm

    Yeah, I’m kinda in agreement, in a big, huge, massive way about the stupidity of public proposals. This is likely to be one of the defining moments of your relationship. Why it needs to be a public spectacle is ridiculous. Yeah, I know people are into whatever they’re into, and up to a point I could see sharing this in front of a very selective group of people, but goodness. They’re just painful to watch. (I realize your mileage may very. Let’s not commence with the obvious pointing out of my grinchiness. I am well aware that I’m missing whatever girly gene makes me gush over these proposals, diamond rings, babies…) 🙂

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    • avatar

      RedRoverRedRover April 17, 2015, 1:32 pm

      I don’t think it’s a “girly gene”, there are plenty of guys who obviously think they’re great, since they keep doing them. I just think it’s the type of person you are. I agree with you, I think it’s a personal thing and I would hate a public proposal. But I think there are other people who get a buzz out of everyone else seeing their personal stuff. Just take a look at Facebook. 🙂

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    • mylaray

      mylaray April 17, 2015, 1:49 pm

      I’m not a fan of mass proposals that involve lots of people and filming. While public proposals aren’t my thing, I don’t see anything wrong with a simple one in public. Also, since when did prom proposals become these huge things? That seems even dumber to me.

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  • avatar

    K April 17, 2015, 12:54 pm

    I’m surprised to hear that $673 is the average per guest. I guess that takes into account expensive airfares and such. I’ve only been to a couple of weddings I’ve needed to fly to, so usually airfare isn’t part of the occasion. And the dining out estimate, if you spend more than one night somewhere, sure – but otherwise maybe one meal the next morning before driving home after the wedding. And dressing up – if you are re-wearing a dress and shoes, then that isn’t a cost either. I have 5 weddings to attend this year and I’m certainly not spending $673 on each of them – thank goodness!

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    • avatar

      Vathena April 17, 2015, 1:16 pm

      Haha, I thought that number was low! My husband and I have friends and family scattered all over the country, so in the last 10 years I’ve attended 3 local weddings and at least 12 that required airfare, car rental, and hotel. (And this summer we’re attending one that requires two flights and a 2.5-hour drive, each way, with our 2-year-old.)

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      • avatar

        RedRoverRedRover April 17, 2015, 1:36 pm

        I guess that’s why it’s an average. 🙂 I’ve never spent that much on a wedding.

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      • avatar

        K April 17, 2015, 1:50 pm

        Yikes! It probably helps that I live in the Northeast, so big population centers like DC, Philly, and Boston are all within a reasonable drive of my home north of NYC.

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      • Portia

        Portia April 17, 2015, 2:05 pm

        I live in DC, but all my friends and family get married elsewhere. The most “local” one I’m going to this year is Boston.

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      • avatar

        Vathena April 17, 2015, 2:15 pm

        We’re also in DC, but have attended weddings in Ohio, Indiana, New Hampshire, Minnesota, Colorado, Atlanta, Chicago (4), and Arizona (2)…I think I’m probably leaving some out 🙂

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    • honeybeenicki

      honeybeenicki April 17, 2015, 1:32 pm

      I don’t think I’ve ever spent that much on a wedding as a guest. Then again, a lot of my friends either haven’t been married (and don’t plan to), had local weddings, or small weddings. The last wedding I went to, I spent… $70. If you don’t count the gas used to drive the 45 minutes to get there. And that was just a gift ($50) and clothes after losing weight ($20 at Goodwill).

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    • mylaray

      mylaray April 17, 2015, 1:44 pm

      I think it makes sense the average is highe (still seems low to me, but then again it’s an average). Particularly with more people moving far away and keeping in touch with friends from all over. I’ve only been to a couple of weddings within driving distance.

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    • Portia

      Portia April 17, 2015, 1:57 pm

      Oh I’ve spent way more to attend most of the weddings I’ve been to. I’ve only been invited to two weddings that were local to where I was living at the time. Every wedding I’m going to this year except my own will involve a plane ride, plus staying over for at least 2 nights.

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      • Portia

        Portia April 17, 2015, 2:07 pm

        For my own wedding this year, we considered how many people would have to travel for various locations. With our list as it was, over 75% would have had to travel even in the location with the largest number of guests. I just did a count of the current list and 78% of the people we’re inviting are from out of town (and I’m counting Baltimore and Philly as local).

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      • avatar

        ktfran April 17, 2015, 2:44 pm

        Yeah… I have three weddings this year.

        One is across country – LA. The airfare, car rental and hotel room (i only need to get for one night and staying with friends the other nights)alone is close to $600. That’s not including food.

        One is about an hour and a half away. I need to rent a car and get a hotel room. That one will only cost about $200.

        The other is here, so we’re talking cab ride to and from the venue. Yay! So, like $30.

        The above estimates don’t include showers, bachelorette parties, presents (both shower and wedding) etc. So, let’s tack on another $400 for presents for three weddings and $200 for parties.

        Luckily, last year my sister picked a navy JCREW dress for her bridesmaids. Totally pairing that with a fun new belt and maybe a pair of shoes for these weddings. I also had a wedding last year and bought a pretty black lace dress. That’s getting reused too. So, clothing cost is minimal!!!!

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      • Portia

        Portia April 17, 2015, 2:57 pm

        Oh boy, you don’t want to hear what my year will be like… 5 weddings (plus my own makes 6), 1 was on the West Coast (plus we drove 6 hours each way from the nearest airport), 3 in the Midwest, the last in Boston so at least I can take a train. Thank goodness I’m not a bridesmaid and that my own wedding is in our town because yeah, plane tickets ain’t cheap, plus other stuff (I’m rewearing dresses as much as I can). But I’m hoping this will be the bumper crop of weddings and I won’t have another 6-wedding year after this.

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      • avatar

        ktfran April 17, 2015, 3:13 pm

        Dude… Six total, one being your own. Yikes!!!!! I’m tired just thinking about that.

        My cousin is also hoping to get married at the end of this year, but that will also be in Chicago. Phew!

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      • Portia

        Portia April 17, 2015, 3:20 pm

        I have another really good friend who just got engaged but doesn’t have a date yet. The first thing I thought after hearing that was I hope it’s going to be next year not this year. Or else I might explode into a puddle of champagne.

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      • avatar

        ktfran April 17, 2015, 3:22 pm

        I don’t blame you at all. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.

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      • avatar

        K April 17, 2015, 3:51 pm

        Haha, now I feel better about being happy that I can’t attend a friend’s wedding that was just announced since it’s on the same day as one of the others.

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      • avatar

        K April 17, 2015, 3:50 pm

        I have one in L.A. this summer too! Luckily that’s the only one we’re flying to, and we’re turning it into a vacation and visiting Yosemite and Sequoia National Parks afterwards. We’re only spending money on a hotel on 2 of them – the others we can stay with friends, or they’re close enough that we can come back the same night.

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  • avatar

    ktfran April 17, 2015, 1:10 pm

    The sex ed class article depresses me.

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    • honeybeenicki

      honeybeenicki April 17, 2015, 1:31 pm

      I read that one last night and I agree— super depressing. But, that’s one of the reasons we teach our kids about sex at home. Unfortunately, there’s a difference of opinion between our household and their mom’s household on pretty much the “morality” behind sex (Although I find it hilarious that a woman who got pregnant “out of wedlock” or whatever the current term is 3 times by 2 men preaches to her children that they shouldn’t have sex until they’re married!) =/

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      • avatar

        ktfran April 17, 2015, 2:34 pm

        Ugh. People suck. I’m happy the kids have you all too!!!!

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      • avatar

        Cleopatra Jones April 17, 2015, 3:29 pm

        And as a general rule, abstinence for kids very rarely works. In theory, it’s great but when you are faced with those raging teen hormones and that dude/girl you’ve crushed on since 7th grade– well, abstinence flies right out the window.
        .
        My husband and I don’t preach abstinence but safe, protected sex!!!. We even showed our kids where the condom aisle was at the store, answered any questions they might have had, and then showed them where we keep the FSA card because you can buy condoms with it.
        .
        Also, the thing I realized (from my own awkward conversations with my mother about sex and birth control) was that you can’t wait until kids are teenagers to have a discussion about safe protected sex. By that time, they are way too embarrassed to talk to you and they’ve been listening to their peers (who probably don’t know anymore than they do), so they aren’t going to hear what you are telling them.

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      • Ika

        Ika April 17, 2015, 4:04 pm

        Yessssss to not waiting til your kids are teens! My 7 year old asks me a ton of questions. The other day it as if men had ovaries (since I had to explain to her what spaying meant when we spayed our kitty). All her friends mothers said the other girls haven´t even asked anything about sex yet !
        I got my daughter a book on where babies come from, she skimmed through it, said “that´s gross and not how babies are made anyway” and put it to one side. BUUUTTTT at least she knows she can come to me with questions.

        I am loving all your comments today Cleopatra 🙂

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      • avatar

        Cleopatra Jones April 17, 2015, 6:50 pm

        Aww, thanks. 🙂

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  • avatar

    snoopy128 April 17, 2015, 2:35 pm

    The article about putting her husband first before the kids was refreshing. A lot of the people with young children around me have this martyr mother mindset where the kids come first at the expense of other relationship and it’s really been grating on me.

    I also think that how you handle relationships (kids, SO’s, family, etc) are your choice to make and I try my best not to judge people based on those choices (within reason). But it was nice to hear about someone who bucked what I think is the current trend of helicopter parenting at the expense of other relationships. In the same way, I love that Wendy acknowledges the date nights and other things she does with just Drew, or with friends or with family.

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    • avatar

      RedRoverRedRover April 17, 2015, 2:51 pm

      Totally agree. Remember that article a few weeks back about how she puts her kids first and their marriage is totally suffering for it, but she still thinks it’s the right thing? Messed up. Your kids need your marriage to work. It’s the best outcome for everyone involved if the parents are happy together.

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    • avatar

      Jane April 17, 2015, 4:40 pm

      The best example of the prevalence of helicopter parenting is to read the reactions on HuffPo’s Facebook page when they posted this article. It was an immediate barrage of hyper-emotional protests along the lines of “I can’t believe anyone would do that to their kids!”
      .
      They seemed to miss the basic concept that 1) the article isn’t referring to random dudes, but to the HUSBAND; and 2) prioritizing the relationship with the husband does not automatically mean that you neglect the kids.

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom April 17, 2015, 4:44 pm

      I think that like almost everything else there is a balance. You can go too far toward favoring the kids but you can also go too far toward favoring the spouse. Our next door neighbors in our first house had a solid marriage where they put the marriage before the kids to the point the kids were neglected. The parents would come home from work and eat dinner, which their oldest daughter was required to cook when she got home from middle and then high school, then they left to go out together, every single day. They went all over the area to go shopping. They never took the kids and rarely bought anything for the kids. They would get notes home from school saying that their children didn’t have the appropriate winter clothes for recess and that if they couldn’t afford to buy them then the clothing would be provided. Then they would buy what the kids needed. They had money for antiques but never for basics for the children. The kids were all angry. The oldest child, the oldest daughter, resented having to do almost all of the cooking, cleaning and child care. The two youngest children, twin boys, resented being watched by their sister who picked on them nonstop to get even for being required to watch them. She would insult them, telling them how stupid they were. She would lock them out of the house during the day in the summer to keep from having to watch them. She was 13 so you can’t expect her to have acted like a mature adult. The boys especially, were very rebellious as teenagers. The parents still have a great marriage. They have always come first in each others life but to the point that all of their children suffered for it.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom April 17, 2015, 4:48 pm

        To show how self-centered these parents were they had only one car, it was a two seater sports car. They didn’t have a car that could carry the entire family. They had no intentions of taking their children anywhere. They got angry when they had to buy a van that could fit their family, I don’t know why they finally had to do that but they resented spending the money on a van, which severely limited the amount of money they could spend on antiques.

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      • avatar

        Cleopatra Jones April 19, 2015, 3:06 pm

        In those extreme cases like your ex-neighbors, I seriously question why they even had kids.
        .
        I agree that neither extreme makes any kind of sense too me.

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    • Ika

      Ika April 17, 2015, 4:47 pm

      I have to disagree. I mean it works for the author, but I couldnt do it. I don´t put my husband or my kids 1st as a rule Imean there a way tie haha), but my marriage is great, and my kids are happy, so I don´t think I´m messing up too badly.
      If either of the girls wants to come to bed with us, they know they can. Vacations of course have to be plannd with the girls in mind, but I couldn´t imagine taking one without them. Just a couple of years ago a trip like our upcoming one would have been out of the question, now all 4 of us are totally excited. We do have occasional date nights, but at least part of the reaso is because the girls love sleeping over at grandma´s. We have adult time after the girls are in bed, or when my husband gets home earlier than usual from work.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom April 17, 2015, 4:51 pm

        I agree. In a family every member of the family is important. You need to make sure you are meeting the needs of each family member. It doesn’t have to be one person on a value pedestal while everyone else is below.

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      • avatar

        RedRoverRedRover April 17, 2015, 5:06 pm

        I don’t think the author meant it as the husband always coming first. I think she meant that she won’t neglect the marriage in favour of the kids, and that sometimes if the choice is between the marriage or the kids, she’ll pick the marriage. I agree with that completely. If my husband and I were in a situation where, for example, we never saw each other because our son was enrolled in too many activities and we were constantly out shuttling him around; then no, we would not continue with that. He could do one less activity and we could get a babysitter and have a date night.
        .
        TL;DR, I think it’s just a response to the people who give their kids all their time and attention, to the neglect of their spouse.

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        snoopy128 April 17, 2015, 5:14 pm

        That’s how I took it as well. Not as a literal “my husband always comes first”, but rather that in order to maintain a balance, a commitment to focus on the marriage is needed- not only to sustain the wife, but also to provide positive role models for the children. This statement alone shows that the benefit of the kids is being strongly considered.
        Skyblossom- in your story the kids aren’t even second. It’s a bit of a harsh antidote to try and compare that this this article, in my opinion. Not putting your kids first all the time doesn’t mean they come last (after antiques and cars and nights on the town). I knew a family like you described. The children are just coming to realize that what their parents did to them was abuse and neglect.

        I just felt the article was a nice counter to last week’s article and it highlighted the fact that BALANCE is needed. Focusing all your attention on your children, at the demise of your marriage (or things that are important to you) is not healthy. As Skyblossom also showed- focusing on yourself above all else (i.e. your children) is also not healthy.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom April 17, 2015, 5:42 pm

        I would love to see an article where someone says we practice balance in our marriage. We value all the members of our family.

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      • Ika

        Ika April 17, 2015, 7:35 pm

        If I knew how to write I would do one!!!! want to coauthor? 😉

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      • Ika

        Ika April 17, 2015, 7:34 pm

        he wa you put itmakes snse.But the “if we can only afford one vaction that year we leave the kids at home” in the article really bugged me.

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