Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Friday Links

No satisfaction

Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

“Top 12 Tips For Rekindling the Flame in a Sexless Marriage” [via PopSugar Love]

“What I Learned From Getting Divorced at 29” [via It’s Just Brunch]

“Mom Fights Back Against Sexist Sixth-Grade Pool Party Dress Code” [via HuffPost]

Related: “School Dress Codes Don’t Protect Students — They Force Teachers To Police Girls’ Bodies” [via Bustle]

“The Breakup: Just over a year after my mom died, my boyfriend of three years walked out — carrying his deodorant and phone charger. And then, I was grieving all over again.” [via Modern Floss]

“A Generation of Unmarried Parents: Today’s young parents are committed to their kids, even if they avoid walking down the aisle.” [via Parents]

On Hollywood sexism: “Maggie Gyllenhaal: ‘At 37 I was ‘too old’ for role opposite 55-year-old man'” [via The Guardian]

“13 Signs You’ve Gotten Way Too Comfortable With Your Long-Term Partner” [via HuffPost]

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to [email protected] and, if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

24 comments… add one
  • Lyra

    Lyra May 22, 2015, 12:18 pm

    I skimmed the dress code article, and I have to say dress codes definitely do have a place in schools. I don’t deal with this too much because I teach in elementary schools now, but as someone who worked as a substitute teacher for high schools and middle schools regularly, I was astounded at some of the things girls in particular decided to wear. Ridiculously tight leggings as pants for example. LEGGINGS AREN’T PANTS.
    .
    Of course girls have been fighting against dress codes since the dawn of time so this really isn’t anything new…but it’s interesting to me how now all of a sudden this is such a huge deal and girls are feeling shamed because of it. Dress codes exist for a reason. It’s not entirely about being a distraction; it’s about helping teenagers realize that certain things just aren’t appropriate in certain scenarios. A low cut top, or shorts with your butt hanging out are not appropriate at school, and most definitely would not be appropriate in a work setting. It’s not about “body shaming”, it’s about learning how to dress for different situations which is a lifelong skill. The biggest challenge with dress codes is defining what it is. What is too short? What is too low cut? Since every girl is built differently and clothes lay on them differently it makes the dress code very subjective unfortunately.
    .
    For the record I would have the exact same opinion if a guy came in wearing shorts that hang halfway down his butt or a sleeveless cut-out t shirt cut all the way down exposing his sides. Unfortunately with girls’ clothes, dress codes get more complicated.

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    • Miel

      Miel May 22, 2015, 12:25 pm

      I generally agree with you, however for that particular case, all girls needing to wear a t-shirt over their swimsuit ?! I think that is a bit intense. We are basically saying guys will display completely bare chest and girls will have to wear a non-see through non-form fitting complete coverage t-shirt. Why can’t girls wear their swimsuit like everybody else? I don’t think they have had problems in the past of 6th grade girls wanting to go at the pool party in a monokini…

      And I know some people disagree on that, but as a swimmer I would hate having to wear a heavy cotton t shirt over my swimsuit. Swimwear are designed to be light even when wet and to be form fitting so the fabric doesn’t impair movement. Wearing a t-shirt make swimming harder and drowning easier…

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      • avatar

        RedRoverRedRover May 22, 2015, 12:44 pm

        There are two articles about dress codes, I think Lyra was talking about the second one.

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      • Miel

        Miel May 22, 2015, 12:49 pm

        Oh you’re right, sorry about that Lyra, I agree with what you said !

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      • avatar

        ktfran May 22, 2015, 1:02 pm

        I read the swimsuit article, which I find appalling, but not the dress code article.
        .
        Read some of the comments on the swimsuit article. It depresses me that people refuse to see the double standard being set forth.

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    • avatar

      RedRoverRedRover May 22, 2015, 12:43 pm

      I think the main problem with dress codes is that one of the main reasons I’ve seen be given for them is that certain styles of dress on girls are “distracting” for the guys. I mean, that’s all kinds of messed up. The message there is that it’s the job of females to ensure that males aren’t thinking sexual thoughts about them. It’s the same kind of thinking that leads to blaming women for rape, or sex-shaming them. Or worse stuff like honour killings. Women shouldn’t be required to be the “virtuous” sex.
      .
      As to dress codes in schools, I understand the need, and honestly I think it would be better for schools to just do uniforms. I wore a uniform in highschool and it was great. I mean, it was ugly, but we all wore the same ugly. And it gets you ready for looking professional in your adult life. I don’t know why more schools don’t do it, it makes things easier for the kids, the teachers, and the parents.

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        Cleopatra Jones May 22, 2015, 2:50 pm

        IME, even with a uniform kids will still find a way to ostracize other kids.
        .
        My oldest wore a uniform in public school and the kids just refocused on what kind of shoes, belt, backpack, or jacket each other wore.
        And for the kids who wore revealing/inappropriate clothes, they somehow managed to do that in uniforms (think skin-tight uniforms or being out of uniform).
        .
        I’m just not a fan of a body shaming for girls. We have enough problems in this country with teen girls and body image.
        /rant

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        RedRoverRedRover May 22, 2015, 3:24 pm

        Yes, they did refocus on other things, but honestly as one of the kids with no money I felt like I stood out a lot less. And then on “civvies day”, where we could wear normal clothes once a month, I could actually wear something nice because I didn’t need a whole closet full of clothes. I just had a few outfits, and they were good ones that I liked.
        .
        Anyway, the main reason I like uniforms is that they get rid of this whole dress code debate. The uniform is the uniform, and you wear it. We had mandatory skirt lengths and that was it. If you weren’t in uniform you got written up, and too many write-ups led to detention.

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      • Lyra

        Lyra May 22, 2015, 4:57 pm

        Oh I agree, body shaming is a big issue. I just really don’t think dress codes = body shaming, which seems to be the trend with these types of articles.

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      • Lyra

        Lyra May 22, 2015, 4:55 pm

        Those kinds of clothes CAN be distracting though. I’ve compared notes with my teacher friends about this exact topic and we are in agreement…if someone’s cleavage is hanging out or their butt is hanging out the bottom of their shorts it’s distracting for everyone — other students and teachers alike. Unfortunately much of the time the girls who wear those types of clothes are searching for that sort of attention. For example, when I worked at a summer camp I had to tell this one girl who was very well endowed and wore a push-up bra and low cut shirts every.single.day to go change. She would literally walk around with her chest out and she would purposely bend over in front of the boys to get their attention. I’ve seen that in schools too where girls *purposely* parade in front of others just to get attention…the wrong kind of attention unfortunately.
        .
        I’m by no means saying that every girl does that because obviously not everyone does. However, I’ve noticed a trend that the majority of girls who are speaking up against dress codes and claim body shaming *are* the type who purposely try to get attention by wearing the clothes that they do. Obviously body shaming is a huge huge huge issue, and I’m not trying to diminish that at all, but I really think this whole “dress code = body shaming” is getting to be the boy who cried wolf.

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      • LadyinPurpleNotRed

        LadyinPurpleNotRed May 22, 2015, 10:33 pm

        The problem is you are putting it on what the girl is wearing, not how she is behaving. Different story. She is behaving in a distracting manner. Wearing a spaghetti strap tank top and shorts that cover everything they need to and not much else because it’s 95 degrees out and feels hotter than that is a different story. They are saying the simple fact of wearing that is too much for a boy to handle and that’s utter bullshit. Just because you (general you, not specific you), think it’s easier to shame girls into covering up, doesn’t make it right.

        When the rationale is so you don’t distract boys–AND SAY NOTHING ABOUT THE BEHAVIOR–it’s compete and utter bullshit. Walking down the hall in shorts and a tank top shouldn’t cause the girl to get in trouble for being a distraction to boys…they should learn to control themselves if they find it a distraction.

        It’s the lazy way of trying to “deal” with the situation.

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      • Lyra

        Lyra May 23, 2015, 8:42 am

        My point is that myself and other teachers agree that inappropriate clothing can be distracting to *everyone*, even if the student doesn’t realize it. ALL students, and even teachers. It all comes down to the student choosing clothing that is appropriate, which is the whole point of the dress codes. Learning how to dress for each situation is a skill they will need throughout their entire lives. If a dress code indicates specifically that the reasoning is so boys aren’t distracted then yes I agree that is a HUGE issue. I really think at times wording of dress codes tend to get a bit muddled in translation though…more often than not school administrators go through this kind of stuff with a fine-tooth comb because it is a delicate subject and they recognize that. And like you said sometimes girls don’t mean to be distracting; I’ve definitely seen some pictures where their clothes were fine but they were sent home anyway, so the system is definitely far from perfect. My version of “appropriate” may not be someone else’s and that’s definitely what makes this topic so subjective and difficult to define.

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    • avatar

      booknerd May 22, 2015, 9:40 pm

      The issue with these double standards for boys and girls at school is that boys bodies are not policed the same way. Many of these viral school dress code stories lately- the girls are not wearing revealing clothing, but they are being sent home, covered up or both.

      Kids are being taught that women’s bodies are sexual and shameful, and distracting while boys are not. I don’t think kids should get to wear whatever they want to school, and a lot of responsibility is on the parents in these cases, but most of the viral stories are ridiculous. The clothing could be distracting, but pulling a girl out of school because her shorts are an inch shorter than the rule book says? Come on. It is unfair. It teaches girls that their bodies are sexual objects and perpetuates all sorts of things. Shame for being developed, shame for not, that women have to control their bodies because men can’t help but look. You can look up the hashtags and it’s ridiculous what girls are being pulled out of school for. Bodies are bodies. Girls and women have breasts. It’s not a big deal. Girls and women learn pretty quickly if they want to dress for attention or not. It’s almost victim blaming. It’s like pre-victim blaming. Well, did you see what she was wearing? No wonder she was cat called, followed home, sexually assaulted, etc.
      You know what should be taught in schools? That girls and women deserve to be respected, no matter what they are wearing. That women’s bodies aren’t objects on display for men. That women can wear what they want and not be slut or any type of shamed for it.

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      • Lyra

        Lyra May 23, 2015, 8:53 am

        If a boy is wearing pants halfway down his butt, or if he has a sleeveless shirt that is cut out to expose his sides then yes I will say something and I make him pull up his pants or cover up, or go home to change. If a boy was wearing a low cut shirt yes I would ask him to put on a sweatshirt or go home to change. The thing is, boys’ fashion is not often revealing.
        .
        This reminds me, I remember once in my high school which had a pretty strict no-spandex-pants rule, the nordic ski team wanted to wear their suits to school advertise their race that was happening that night. Of course, the suits were 100% spandex, so all the guys were told to either go change or put on a pair of athletic shorts over their suits. They went to the locker room and all put on shorts over their suits and it was fine; everyone was happy. The guys could still wear their suits, and they compromised so they were following the dress code. Yet if you look at boys’ fashion, you rarely see too-short shorts. You rarely see muscle shirts with too-thin straps. You rarely see low cut tops. You rarely see spandex shorts. Not that they *don’t* exist because obviously they do, but plain and simple boys’ fashion choices typically don’t expose as much skin.

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      • Lyra

        Lyra May 23, 2015, 8:55 am

        Also for the record I do see your point, and I do agree that body image and self worth needs more attention in schools, especially for women.

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      • avatar

        booknerd May 24, 2015, 8:31 am

        right, because women are objects to be looked at. That’s what fashion choices women have.

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      • Lyra

        Lyra May 24, 2015, 10:41 am

        Generally — not all the time by any means — female clothes expose more skin. That’s a fact. Just look at the shorts in a boys’ section versus the shorts in a girls’ section of any department store. If ANYTHING the fashion industry tends to teach girls they should dress “sexy” at a VERY early age which if you ask me is an issue all its own. What about teaching girls that she is more than the clothes she wears and building her self worth? Like I mentioned above, as a teacher I ALWAYS call out/send any guy wearing inappropriate clothing. Always. If a boy is wearing too-short shorts I sure as hell would send him home to change. If a boy is wearing a shirt that is too low cut I sure as hell would send him home to change. Is the system perfect? No. No system is ever perfect. However in NO way, shape, or form did I say or imply that girls are objects to be looked at. I actually find it offensive that you made that assumption.

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        booknerd May 24, 2015, 1:54 pm

        Where did I say YOU said that?
        Jeez, Lyra. I swear you look for things to take offense to.
        I said above to look up the hashtags. What girls are being sent home for is ridiculous. I never mentioned you or your personal decisions in anything I wrote.

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      • LadyinPurpleNotRed

        LadyinPurpleNotRed May 24, 2015, 9:45 am

        I disagree…in South Florida I see low cut man shirts allllllll the time. And knowing some school teachers, they don’t get called out for being low cut. That’s what we like to call, double standards. Girls aren’t supposed to be interested in sex, so it’s not distraction. Whereas boys can’t help it. The way dress codes are enforced is entirely sexist. Rules may be written carefully. They sure as hell aren’t carried out that way.

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      • Lyra

        Lyra May 24, 2015, 10:24 am

        Ahhh, yikes! Yeah that’s not cool at all. I definitely agree with you in that case. I VERY rarely see low cut shirts on guys where I live so that’s where I’m coming from.

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  • coconot

    coconot May 22, 2015, 1:29 pm

    The Maggie Gyllenhaal article is sad, especially a lot of the (probably old men) commenters. They are all saying that Hollywood is that way because that’s what “the people” want. What about, Hollywood is this way because almost all of the producers, directors, and writers are older men into younger women? There are so few women writers and directors (not for lack of aspirants), and things will always be this way until more women get into the upper echelons of Hollywood.
    .
    On a related note, it feels like I have seen SO MANY movies in the last couple of years that don’t pass the Bechdel test ( . When I mention that after the movie to my husband, he’s usually like “oh really? I didn’t notice…” I guess in addition to thinking old guys can easily get women half their age, male writers also think that all women think or talk about is men…

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      RedRoverRedRover May 22, 2015, 2:08 pm

      This reminds me of a post I saw the other day on imgur. It was a post by a woman whose son had found her old gameboy and challenged her to play mario kart or something. She kicked his butt, and then her husband’s. I was shocked when I got to the comments, and they were full of confusion as to the grammar, or whether the poster was gay, or what. The assumption was that the poster was a man who had english as a second language and got the pronouns wrong, or that was a gay man with a husband. It took awhile for people to figure out that it was a woman posting, because there were no pictures of her in the post.
      .
      People thought it was funny, but I found it sad. Like, are men such a default that it doesn’t even occur to them that women are posting on the site too? It’s like we’re invisible. And I think that’s the big issue. It’s not that men are actively out there fighting to keep women out of Hollywood (although I’m sure a few jerks are), it’s that the men who are there don’t even see the women as possibilities. That’s a very hard problem to solve, and it’s not just occurring in Hollywood.

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  • avatar

    Sunshine Brite May 22, 2015, 3:01 pm

    Points to the divorce article for #AlwaysKeepFighting Jared Padalecki’s become my absolute fav on that show for his off-screen work and his recent outreach on Twitter and leaving Rome because he knew it was right for him rather than trying to keep up their schedule – the rest are already in Australia I think – could very well be saving his own life.

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  • Lyra

    Lyra May 22, 2015, 11:05 pm

    Looking through the rest of these, the grief one is interesting too. It makes me think of when my mom was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease a few years ago and my boyfriend at the time truly did not understand why I was so upset when she was diagnosed. I mean I literally cried for two days straight because I’m VERY close to my mom. I tried to explain it to him and he told me over the phone since we were in a LDR “well it’s not like she received a death sentence”. He didn’t even make an attempt to understand what was happening and how I was processing the information, he literally just dismissed it. We were together another year and a half until our break up, but looking back I truly wish I had opened my eyes to how he was responding to something that was so important to me.

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