Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Friday Links

Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

“My Bunny Ruined my Sex Life” [via Salon]

“More than half of couples DON’T have sex on their wedding night – mostly because the groom is too drunk” [via DailyMail]

“Study Shows: Many People Don’t End Up With Their True Love” [via CBSLocal]

“29 Underrated Things About Being In Your Late Twenties” [via Buzzfeed]

Ted Talks: Amy Webb: How I hacked online dating [via Ted.com]

“Court Says Nebraska Teenager Too Immature to Decide on Abortion” [via ABC News]

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to [email protected] and if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

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87 comments… add one
  • katie

    katie October 11, 2013, 12:37 pm

    ha, if i ever had a typical open bar, late night dancing wedding, you better believe i would not be having sex at the end of it. way to tired, i will just call it right now. i mean, honestly, some fridays i cant even muster sex because im too tired from the week. i have also had issues with this on vacations. lol.

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle October 11, 2013, 12:43 pm

      Yeah, it’s a tossup— my boyfriend is frequently too tired for sex at night, even without alcohol, so at first I was like, “Oh, this will DEFINITELY happen” but then again, we’re usually pretty awake, in that drunken way, after weddings? So if we usually have sex after OTHER people’s weddings, odds are good for our own, right? πŸ˜‰

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      • katie

        katie October 11, 2013, 12:45 pm

        haha, yea, i think thats a good gauge. i havent had sex after another else’s wedding- but i havent been to very many with jake, or very many period, so maybe i dont have a good enough sample size, lol

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    • mandalee

      mandalee October 11, 2013, 12:49 pm

      I had the open bar, late night, dancing wedding, and there was no way I was having sex after being “on” all day. After all that talking, dancing, smiling, posing, I wanted to just lay still and not move until the morning.

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    • avatar

      kerrycontrary October 11, 2013, 1:01 pm

      yeh, ain’t no chance for sex on my wedding night. I’m always too tired on Friday nights.

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    • avatar

      bethany October 11, 2013, 1:33 pm

      We had an open bar, and that didn’t stop us! πŸ™‚ We didn’t have a typical dance party type wedding though, it was more relaxed and casual, but with lots of drinking.

      Out of my 3 best friends, neither of the 2 who are married had sex on their wedding night.

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    • GatorGirl

      GatorGirl October 11, 2013, 1:58 pm

      We had people in our wedding suite drinking with us until 3 am our wedding night. There was no hanky panky going on. It actually wasn’t until late the next afternoon haha. We had just beer and wine but I def drank plenty of it (and danced my ass off).

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    • mylaray

      mylaray October 11, 2013, 2:23 pm

      I think the morning after (or well the afternoon after) should be the new wedding sex. I was talking about this with my fiance recently and we were guessing if we will have sex, and then I found out I’m supposed to get my period then and ugh, that’s like my nightmare.

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    • avatar

      Jessibel5 October 11, 2013, 3:09 pm

      We ended up doing it before the wedding, just to make sure it happened.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest October 11, 2013, 3:12 pm

        WHAT?! Premarital sex? Whoaaaa.

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      • avatar

        Jessibel5 October 11, 2013, 3:16 pm

        Right? One last chance to sin! (and our wedding was in my ultra-Catholic grandmother’s house!)

        And our marriage is doomed because we saw each other beforehand, right?

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest October 11, 2013, 3:26 pm

        Wait…you’re not divorced yet? That’s pretty shocking. Also shocking? That lightening didn’t strike down on you.

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      • katie

        katie October 11, 2013, 4:13 pm

        MORNING OF WEDDING SEX.

        thats what im going to do. best. idea. ever.!!!!!

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  • avatar

    TECH October 11, 2013, 12:47 pm

    “Study Shows: Many People Don’t End Up With Their True Love”. That whole concept is just silly to me. They used the term “love of my life” several times in the article. That whole phrase “you are the love of my life” just seems off to me. If you’re not done living your life yet, how can you know if someone is the love of your life?
    And then if you lose the “love of your life” are you going to find a second “love of your life”?
    It just seems so dramatic. If you’re happily in a relationship, just say you love the one you’re with. Bold statements like “soul mate” “true love” and “love of my life” are subject to change.

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle October 11, 2013, 12:51 pm

      I thought that article was dumb, too—sort of just discounted the whole thing as soon as I saw it was buying into that whole “soul mate” / “love of my life” / “one that got away” bullshit. Just because some people think like that (which, if they do, it’s faulty thinking, IMO) doesn’t mean it’s a solid concept.

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      • muchachaenlaventana

        muchachaenlaventana October 11, 2013, 12:59 pm

        yeah this just depressed me, not because I buy into the “love of your life” or whatever and I too agree it is subject to change, but because I am single and feeling sad about it and the title was like a man bummer for a second because I have one guy I think of as a great love of my life, but god I really hope he wasn’t the only one I get, or I am doomed to never be as happy as I was with him because we didn’t work? Its just stupid. I think “love of my life” and things like that are what people fall back on when they are single/alone, or are in a relationship that are having some downs (like people who have been married awhile and are like Oh it would have been so much easier with my Gerry or whatever, its like a coping mechanism sometimes). Anyways this article was just sort of annoying ha I couldn’t really get through it though so if it got better towards the end I will stand corrected.

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      • avatar

        TECH October 11, 2013, 1:08 pm

        Lately I’ve been really hard on myself for choosing to love the people I’ve loved in my life. I tend to get into this mindset of “How could I have been so stupid?!” to think that person was such a big love? I guess that’s why I’m kind of happy I’m single right now. Being in love can make you such a delusional person.

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      • muchachaenlaventana

        muchachaenlaventana October 11, 2013, 1:44 pm

        A lot of the time you can’t choose who you love, it just happens. Hindsight is 20-20 but I think if you really give it some deep thought you will realize you couldn’t be who you are without having had the experiences with people you have had in the past. I had a lot of these feelings after someone I really loved hurt me a lot. It lasted for a long time, like 2 or more years where I wanted to Eternal Sunshine him out of my life. But then I realized if I hadn’t loved him, I wouldn’t be who I am and I love the person I am now, and all that has gone into making me this person. Loving someone is never a bad choice in my book, and the fact you aren’t with these people anymore sort of goes to show in the end, you made the choice that was probably hard, best best for you.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle October 11, 2013, 2:25 pm

        Brains do weird things, like I admit when I saw the title, at least 2 people came to mind (& I’m in a relationship) haha. But the title sets it up so you’re like, “oh shit, who would My Person be?” And you’re (my, our) mind is all-too-helpful— “Your ex! The one you exchanged vials of blood with!” (Yes, I did this, everyone, shut up) or “That FWB who wanted to date you at intervals, but your logic won out & decided you’d be a shitty match!”

        But yeah, I agree it’s a coping mechanism (when those thoughts start to expand, & cannot be easily dismissed)

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      • avatar

        TECH October 11, 2013, 2:30 pm

        Ok, you have to tell the story about how/why you exchanged vials of blood.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle October 11, 2013, 2:54 pm

        haha basically, I think I said something to my ex about how Angelina Jolie & Billy Bob had blood vials, & I always wanted to do that? (I was 17, & sort of “goth”, like, on the inside? although never presented myself that way) (Also, ugh, please ignore that apparently Angelina & Billy Bob was my aspirational relationship?)

        Anyway, so the day before he went off to college, he surprised me with these matching vials (made of glass, with a screw-off top that you could thread a chain through to wear it as a necklace). We filled them with blood (wait, is this the “how” part of your question? We got straight razors at Walgreen’s or some shit—apparently those are things you can just, you know, buy??—& cut the tips of our pinkie fingers), & then swapped them (so he had mine, I had his? Obviously. Or, I mean, that’s the only way to do it, right?)

        The-end.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow October 11, 2013, 3:02 pm

        I’m pretty goth on the inside too. I also have hipster tendencies.

        …Shut up.

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      • avatar

        rachel October 11, 2013, 3:03 pm

        Haha, man, I was actually goth in high school (like, all my clothes were from Hot Topic kind of goth), but we never went that far. My high school boyfriend did write me a song entitled “My bloody valentine”

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest October 11, 2013, 3:14 pm

        Hahahaha. Pictures please!

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      • Cassie

        CassieB October 12, 2013, 4:01 pm

        So now you can clone each other.

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    • iwannatalktosampson

      iwannatalktosampson October 11, 2013, 12:55 pm

      YES! I hate that. Or when people say their marriage is successful. Well, yeah maybe now, but you’ve got a whole lotta years left before you die, so easy there killer. It is all so dramatic. I love whoever I’m dating at the time best. They are my favorite. And then when we break up I get a new favorite. It’s like the sex and the city episode where charlotte thinks you only get 2 real loves or something and then carrie realizes she has already had hers so she’s fucked. So dumb.

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      • muchachaenlaventana

        muchachaenlaventana October 11, 2013, 1:02 pm

        Ha exactly. My roommate is like “so in love” and ” i have never felt this way about ANYONE BEFORE” and it get so old because I am like, girl this is the same exact shit you were telling me about the first guy you dated and were serious with (she is just so over the top nonstop with it, they have also been dating for like 4 months so although I am happy sometimes I want to unload the cynicism but I bite my tongue. Anyways yeah, romantic love is like such a present feeling because its so overpowering. When I am with someone and I am happy they are the love of my life and wonderful to me, when we break up and I get into a new relationship that person then becomes the person I love the most.

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      • avatar

        ktfran October 11, 2013, 1:39 pm

        Alright, I’m probably totally pissing my friends off. But I’m super excited about “the kid”. And I honestly haven’t been smitten with someone in a long time. And it feels pretty good. I mean, I’ve dated a lot since my last long-term, and I was kind of just dating people to be dating people. Like, I felt meh about them, but thought I would eventually start liking them? SO WRONG.

        Anyway, I’m excited. And I want to tell people I’m excited about it.

        My friends probably hate me.

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      • muchachaenlaventana

        muchachaenlaventana October 11, 2013, 1:48 pm

        ha I mean I am SO happy for my friend and she had a similar situation, and its fine but hearing about it all the time (for a solid 4 months now) like 24/7 gets old and since I don’t want to burst her bubble I just let her gush, so I need an outlet. I think she just forgot how it felt to be like really into someone, but its just that those feelings aren’t really unique or like I hate the “i have never felt like this before” because chances are you have, and you just forgot because it didn’t work out. Maybe I am just bitter ha, and I have never even really casually dated, so everyone I date I am really into, maybe I just have a different perspective. That said I am sure your friends are happy for you and maybe not as much of a cynical asshole as I am πŸ™‚

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        ktfran October 11, 2013, 1:52 pm

        Ooh, at least I don’t say that I have never felt like this before! I say it has been a while since I’ve been excited about someone. So, I’m already better than your friend!!!! You wouldn’t hate me πŸ™‚

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      • avatar

        ktfran October 11, 2013, 1:55 pm

        Also, I’ve been walking around with a permanent smile for the last three, plus weeks. We were dancing around dating for several months before that. Anyway, I know I’m kind of barf worthy and ridiculous at the moment. Ok, not kind of. A lot.

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary October 11, 2013, 1:03 pm

        Yeh, I don’t really like when people who have been married like 2-4 yrs are smug marrieds. Like you don’t know what it’s like being married for 10, 20, 40 yrs so don’t talk like you do.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson October 11, 2013, 1:15 pm

        I just don’t like smug people about love in general. It’s the saying every happy family is happy the same way and every unhappy family is unhappy for different reasons. NO ONE HAS A SPECIAL LOVE. If every single person is loving the same way (which you all are, don’t lie to yourselves) it is no longer a “special” thing. To you it is, sure, but it is actually extremely normal to be in love.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl October 11, 2013, 2:14 pm

        Yes! I hate when people who’ve been married for like a year longer than us give us advice about longevity. Hello, you’re not there yet!! I will whole heartedly listen to advice from people who’ve hit 20, 40 or even 50!! years because that is a rarity.

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      • avatar

        Kerrycontrary October 11, 2013, 3:13 pm

        So, my grandparents have been together for over 60 years. Not exaggerating, they got married young and they’re in their mid-80s. But since they got married young, a lot of their relationship advice/experience is on-par with a 17 year old. It’s really interesting. Like my grandma just has this very immature expectation of finding someone to marry. And when they fight, they act like teenagers and yell and scream and then give each other the silent treatment for up to a week. It’s like they’re frozen at the age they got married. So I don’t really take relationship advice from them haha.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow October 11, 2013, 3:46 pm

        Yes! I have a friend whose relationship/marriage I admire and aspire to, but… omg I will NOT go to her for dating advice. She met her husband when she was 17 and had no dating experience, and it shows.

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      • avatar

        Jessibel5 October 11, 2013, 3:14 pm

        Right before I got married, one of my younger sister’s friend’s and his girlfriend were hanging out with us at a party, and this girl was giving me marriage advice. They weren’t engaged, weren’t cohabitating, weren’t married, both are 6 years younger than me, and the guy was cheating on her left and right. I had to stop myself repeatedly from patting her on the head.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl October 11, 2013, 3:39 pm

        At one of our showers, a much younger GF of GGuy’s friend (she is 21 we’re 28) was giving me and my soon to be MIL advice on how to “whip” our men into doing what we wanted…It’s still a family joke.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl October 11, 2013, 3:41 pm

        Oh, a few minutes later at the same party a light fixture serendipitously fell from the ceiling almost hitting her in the head. I think someone was trying to tell her something…

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl October 11, 2013, 3:41 pm

        Oh, a few minutes later at the same party a light fixture serendipitously fell from the ceiling almost hitting her in the head. I think someone was trying to tell her something…

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  • avatar

    MsMisery October 11, 2013, 1:24 pm

    That article about the bunny- if that is the real reason those women are not calling the author back or going on date 2 (he doesn’t mention extra limbs or eyeballs), then they’re totes lame. Unless you’re allergic, in that case just be like “Sorry I’m allergic.” But, I don’t get it. I see nothing un-masculine about a dude with a rescued pet rabbit.

    And the last article about the Nebraska rape case, I saw some coverage on that this week on Rachel Maddow. SO MUCH ANGRY AND STUPID I can’t even. Gonna force you to have this baby and possibly perpetuate the foster child cycle because you’re “too immature” to decide to abort. Bah.

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    • avatar

      bethany October 11, 2013, 1:51 pm

      I didn’t read the bunny article yet, but your comment reminded me of this guy my friend and I met at a bar once. Within the first 10 minutes of talking to him he started telling us all about his “precious little girl”. His bunny. It was weird.
      I’m all about bunnies as pets. For guys, girls, whoever. But this guy took it to a creepy level really quickly.

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    • avatar

      rachel October 11, 2013, 2:08 pm

      Haha, I was wondering whether he does a crap job of cleaning up after it. Rabbits can smell pretty bad if you don’t keep up with cleaning.

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    • mylaray

      mylaray October 11, 2013, 2:16 pm

      I had a hard time taking that article seriously…like is it meant to be funny/a joke? Because I really don’t get why a guy would have trouble dating or having a sex life because of a bunny. Don’t women love bunnies? I think a single woman would have a harder time if she had a bunny.

      But it sounded like he never kept his bunny in a cage since it was disrupting things, so I don’t see why he can’t just put it in a cage while people are over. Also, I don’t understand how he can live with a loose bunny all the time. I used to have one, and oh my gosh did I have to bunny proof the house. I bought so many phone and ethernet cords after my bunny chewed through a bunch (which is dangerous).

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      • KKZ

        KKZ October 11, 2013, 3:49 pm

        Plus they leave droppings EVERYWHERE! If he let it run loose and sleep under the bed, there was probably a massive mound of poo down there. I rabbit-sat for a friend way way way back when and found turds in my closet years later. Plus the bunny pulled my comforter into her cage and proceeded to rip it to shreds.

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  • avatar

    bethany October 11, 2013, 1:45 pm

    I think the “Love of your life” article is dumb. In my opinion, a lot of people tend to romanticise relationships that they may have had when they were younger, and looking back might hold onto that “love of my life” mentality, when really, they’re just looking back with rose colored glasses.

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  • avatar

    AliceInDairyland October 11, 2013, 1:10 pm

    I celebrated my 3 year anniversary last night and I filled up a WHOLE CARD talking about our SPECIAL LOVE full of sappy crap so that article about “the one” is not as irritating as I would normally find it. So there. I’m gonna be a smug-co-sinner for a few days. Also can I thread jack this and talk about our delicious anniversary dinner that we went to that cost $80 freaking dollars for both of us?!

    I had: door county cherry martini, duck confit with potato hash
    he had: wine, fancy-pants grass fed steak
    we shared: pommes frites with aoli(did you know that is a fancy name for french fries?!), the tiniest piece of short rib in a pumpkin puree with a blackberry sauce, we each got a delicious tiny roll, and…

    amuse bouche (sp?) which is apparently a free weird food item from the chef. This time it was a tiny piece of plum that was soaking in elderberry-something.

    WE HAD SPECIAL FOOD FOR OUR SPECIAL LOVE (also we had a gift card).

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    • iwannatalktosampson

      iwannatalktosampson October 11, 2013, 1:17 pm

      Bhaha I swear I didn’t read your comment before I posted mine. Just for you alice, just your love is special.

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      • avatar

        AliceInDairyland October 11, 2013, 1:47 pm

        πŸ˜‰ Obvs, only I can have special love. Otherwise it would not be special.

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    • katie

      katie October 11, 2013, 1:17 pm

      thats actually a great price for a meal like that. $40 per person with a drink? awesome. your duck could have cost easily the $40 in other areas.

      in my opinion, you know its a good place if they serve an amuse. not that the food will always be 100% be awesome, but you know at least they care and they are trying. amuse’s are basically my gauge for how nice a place is, haha. also, amuse bouche actually means happy mouth in french, its supposed to be like a tiny little thing to get you excited about the rest of the meal. always only one to two bites. they are awesome, i used to love creating them.

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        lets_be_honest October 11, 2013, 1:25 pm

        Yea, I was wondering if she thought that was cheap or expensive. I spend $40 on lunch at McDs. Sheeeet. πŸ™‚ (that’s bc im a pig, not because its actually expensive)

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        AliceInDairyland October 11, 2013, 1:45 pm

        Bahaha, I know it’s a good deal relatively but here in the not-big-city-midwest that is STEEP. It’s like the 3rd fanciest restaurant in town. I’ve never spent that much money on a meal for 2 people before, it seemed crazy!!

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh October 11, 2013, 2:16 pm

        yeah it’s pretty pricey for where i am too, alice! even at the nice places around here we can eat for $50 for two with tip and drinks. which i think is expensive so we don’t do much!

        i read lbh’s comment as i’m in to the pig somehow and my first thought was they have piggly wiggly’s in new york?

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        lets_be_honest October 11, 2013, 2:29 pm

        I need to move to where you guys are! I go out to eat a lot, can’t even remember a bill being under $50, but I do go out with 2 other people usually.
        No piggly wiggly’s here. Cute book series for kids though πŸ™‚

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle October 11, 2013, 4:00 pm

        Hey LBH remember that thread where someone mentioned wine opening/pouring fees? And I was like “what the hell is that”? Well, I’ve been out at several of our BYOB places since then, & there is no wine opening/pouring fee, so I’m not totally crazy (this was you, right? If not, ignore me :D)

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      • katie

        katie October 11, 2013, 2:31 pm

        in denver for restaurant week they used to do a $52.80 meal for two (5280 is the feet in a mile altitude reference for you non-colorado people), and they now have to increase it because the good restaurants stopped participating because they couldnt make any money. so sad.

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        AliceInDairyland October 11, 2013, 3:08 pm

        Our restaurant week is $15 per person for lunch, $25 for dinner and it’s a 3 course meal. It’s a CRAZY deal and I’m not sure a lot of the fancier places make a profit, but you have to wait in line for FOREVER since most places won’t take reservations.

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    • avatar

      AliceInDairyland October 11, 2013, 1:12 pm

      I dunno, needed to put that somewhere.

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    • GatorGirl

      GatorGirl October 11, 2013, 2:12 pm

      GGuy and I can hardly go out for wings and beer on NFL Sundays for less than $80 between the two. Y’all got a steal! I also now want duck.

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      • katie

        katie October 11, 2013, 2:24 pm

        seriously!

        also, i want duck too. i LOVE duck.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson October 11, 2013, 2:25 pm

        Colin and I went to a place for Saturday football and they had $2 beers! Can you believe that! I wanted to have 10 just so I could talk about how much money I’d saved.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl October 11, 2013, 2:30 pm

        Was it decent beer? We’ve taken to going to a craft beer bar (rather than the shitty sports bar) that doesn’t serve food but you can get sushi (among other things) delivered to you at the bar. The beers are like $5 to $8 each though but so tasty. I had the Founders Kentucky Breakfast Stout the other day. Holy deliciousness. It was like coffee and beer mixed together.

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        rachel October 11, 2013, 2:38 pm

        Oooh, I love a good coffee beer, I’ll have to look for it. GG, I don’t know whether New Belgium there will have it, but if they do, try Giddy Up, it’s another awesome coffee beer, a seasonal that they brought back this year after 4 years.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl October 11, 2013, 2:41 pm

        Per some fb stalking, you should be able to find it at a local craft beer store, they distribute to your state. It’s REALLY good.

        We just got New Belgium down here last month, so I will keep my eye out for your suggestion.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson October 11, 2013, 3:54 pm

        Well I don’t have exactly refined taste, haha. It was modelo. I essentially like beer flavored sparkling water – so all the light beers. But still. It was amazing. I was able to do exactly what I wanted and not have a huge tab.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl October 11, 2013, 3:56 pm

        I’d drink Modelo for $2! I’m a huge Miller Light fan even with my “expensive” beer palate. Give me a frosty mug full of Miller Light just about any day. My favorite is when the mug is so cold slush forms in my cheap beer.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson October 11, 2013, 4:02 pm

        Haha yeah I have fancy beers I like (Breckenridge summer wheat what what) but deep down I am a sucker for cheap beer. It’s a passion of mine. And I like mexican beers. And yeah don’t even get me started on frosty mugs. Is it 5 yet?

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl October 11, 2013, 4:05 pm

        Is it 3 tomorrow yet? We’re not drinking tonight. Lame.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson October 11, 2013, 4:23 pm

        I don’t even remember the last night I didn’t have at least one beer. Okay it might have been Tuesday, but if I had had more time between work and class I for sure would have. It almost seems like the more I work out the shittier I eat and drink – which I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to be like that. Most people work out a lot and then are more motivated to have good eating habits. I’m the opposite. I should try to only drink 3 days a week.

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        kerrycontrary October 11, 2013, 2:36 pm

        Yeh, I think we spent $50 at a bar last Saturday (in my hometown so it was reasonable), and we didn’t even drink THAT much. Our most expensive meal was $150 and I didn’t like the place which was a shame. He’s never taken me out to a fancy place again πŸ™

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    • avatar

      scattol October 11, 2013, 1:22 pm

      It’s amuse-gueule

      now you aren’t far since both gueule and bouche are essentially synonyms. Amuse-bouche seems to be a poor american restautrant translations

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      • katie

        katie October 11, 2013, 1:27 pm

        oh interesting, ive never heard that! and yea, pretty much all the america restaurants use bouche.

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  • avatar

    Banana October 11, 2013, 2:48 pm

    I know everyone’s already said it, but I’m going to say it too because I’m super grumpy right now and the “love of your life” article pissed me off:

    1) There is no such thing as “the love of your life.” There’s love right now, and love back then. Sometimes with the same person, sometimes with different people. Sometimes different kinds of love. Why do we think that anything besides the Disney Princess True Love fantasy counts for less? That’s why people are unhappy. Because they think the love they have counts for less than the love people tell them they could have had.

    2) If you’ve been in a marriage for decades and you’re unhappy that whole time because you feel like you “settled,” that is your fault. You made that choice: the choice to marry that person, and the choice to hang on to your shitty attitude about them as if it were more important to you to have a shitty attitude than to try to build love. I read articles like this and I get the feeling that the people who say they’re unhappy blame the universe, fate, or their partners, at least a little bit. The amount of blame that rests on those parties is NONE AT ALL. Your choice, your fault, end of story.

    3) If you think marrying your most passionate fling is the definition of “marrying your one true love” (I think that really is what most people think), do you really think that you’d be happy with that person if they didn’t also share your goals in life, your values, your interests, your attitudes, and all the other common ground you need in a life partner? 99% of the time it’s not fate or bad circumstances that pulled you apart in the first place, there was probably a reason. That reason would still be there if you stuck together — that reason would be making you unhappy.

    4) If you think “true love” is something that just happens, something that passively exists between two people who simply have to “find each other” to experience it, and not put any other work in at all toward building their love or making their lives happy, then no wonder you’re unhappy, because YOU’RE A MORON.

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    • GatorGirl

      GatorGirl October 11, 2013, 2:52 pm

      I love this.

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      snarkymarc October 11, 2013, 4:19 pm

      I wasn’t as offended by the article as most others seem to have been. I agree that the concept of “one true love” is lame and misguided. But I think that their are bad fits, good fits, and really great fits. I’ve only met 2 or 3 great fits for me in my lifetime so far and I’m in my 40’s. Finding someone who shares all your core values (family, money, ethics,…), is compatible (sex, sociability, activity level), and you have chemistry with is pretty rare. I also think there is a huge amount of luck and hard work involved in finding a great fit. I thought I knew my wife well before we got married, but it wasn’t really until we were 5+ years into it that I really knew who she was. It probably wont’ give anyone any comfort, but luck is a huge part of it.

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        Banana October 11, 2013, 4:37 pm

        I actually agree, Marc. I agree that not many people at all get to spend their entire lives with a “great fit.” I’m pretty realistic about that too — that you don’t always wind up with a great fit, even if you “do everything right” and date and search with a great attitude.

        What gets me is two things: 1) the attitude that an “okay” fit is not enough. Obviously we all want a “great fit.” But if you’ve built a stable, satisfying, fulfilling life with an “okay” fit, life ain’t so bad, you know? All your life’s happiness doesn’t have to be defined by making the perfect match. And…

        2) It seems like, underlying that attitude that the #1 contributor to happiness is finding a “great” fit (as opposed to settling for an “okay” one) is that love is a static quality: that once you pick the person you’re with, it’s the end of the story and you’re stuck with that quality of love for the rest of your life. As you pointed out, love grows and changes. Love also requires work, observation, consideration, thoughtfulness, and self-examination. All those people saying they’re deeply unhappy because they’re not with “the one” might not have been happy if they WERE with “the one,” because even with a great fit, love still requires work and a good attitude.

        I’m also realistic that there’s lots of bad luck in the world and not everyone’s going to be happy, period. But I think we open ourselves to lots of totally unnecessary unhappiness by obsessing over the idea that the key to happiness is finding the most perfect mate for you. It’s undeniably ONE of the keys to happiness, but it isnt’ the ONLY one.

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        snarkymarc October 11, 2013, 4:58 pm

        I’m totally with you. A good fit between two people who are deeply committed to the relationship is much better than a great fit where the couple thinks the magic of their love will conquer all. Half the time I think my wife and I are a great fit and the other half we are only a very good fit. But we are both committed to it so that carries the day for us on most days.

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        Banana October 11, 2013, 5:34 pm

        by the way, your marriage sounds great πŸ™‚ admitted i’m a stranger on the internet who’s never met you and only gets stories of your family life from you, but — sounds like you guys got it figured out πŸ™‚ that’s what banano and I are striving for. some nights, driving down a dark highway listening to music with the windows rolled down, i feel like we were made for each other. other days, i gotta work to love the kid, when we’re running late for a relative’s wedding and i just want to take a nap and he’s doing his weird walk-about thing and I have to force myself to stop and think, “Well, I’m being fussy and grumpy right now — but why don’t I try to imagine how he’s feeling and be a little nicer to him?”

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        snarkymarc October 11, 2013, 6:34 pm

        Oh, you’ve just cursed us. The day I think I’ve got it all figure out is the day it probably all falls apart πŸ™‚ To be honest, most days I do think we have a really good marriage and I know I’ve been blessed with a great family. But like you’ve said many times before, life situations don’t make us happy, only each of us can make ourselves happy. I’ve gone through periods where I struggle with that. I’m going through a mini-mid life crisis right now. I’ve been working in the same career for a long time, been married for a long time (16 years), I don’t have any interesting personal hobbies going on right now, and a number of good friends have moved away recently. I get bored and frustrated. I can envision myself making the typical, stupid middle age mistakes that so many guys my age make. I don’t think I will, but it’s out there. So no, I don’t think I got it all figured out. But I’ll keep on trying. Sorry if I turned your positive note into a bit of a downer. I do appreciate that you’ve paid attention to some of my stories.

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      • mylaray

        mylaray October 11, 2013, 4:40 pm

        You said what I was thinking. I’m definitely not there yet, but if I’m still with my fiance in 20 or 30 years, then yeah, I would think of him as the love of my life at that point (more like the great love, not the only love).

        Plus, I think some people say “love of their life” as a sappy, stock phrase without fully realizing or meaning the actual meaning of the words. I think (or would like to think) that people who say that really do mean “the love of their life now” (as in the main love in one’s life, compared to other types of love like friendship and family love–that’s how I always viewed the term). But it’s just one of those phrases with different connotations.

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        snarkymarc October 11, 2013, 5:32 pm

        I tend to just make the automatic translation that “love of my life” = great fit. The article actually didn’t provide a definition which is probably why I wasn’t offended. But it did say that most people feel like they aren’t married to the love of their life, so maybe those people do tend to think more in sappy terms. Banana’s probably right – those people are mostly likely morons.

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  • Lady_Red

    Red_Lady October 11, 2013, 3:20 pm

    ” You made that choice: the choice to marry that person, and the choice to hang on to your shitty attitude about them as if it were more important to you to have a shitty attitude than to try to build love.”

    Yes!! I think love is a choice more than a feeling. I doubt there’s anyone that you can love all the time, but you can choose to focus on the good things about them, and foster those feelings of love.

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  • GatorGirl

    GatorGirl October 11, 2013, 3:54 pm

    Katie- Can I put homemade cream cheese icing into a piping bag (for cupcakes)? I want to make pretty swirleys on the cupcakes I make for Canadian Thanksgiving. (Sorry for the thread jack!)

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    • katie

      katie October 11, 2013, 4:23 pm

      absolutely. you can pipe anything that has a pipe-able texture.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl October 11, 2013, 4:26 pm

        I didn’t know if it was pipe-able, mine always seems SUPER thick! (Sorry I reasked, I lack patience.)

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    • iwannatalktosampson

      iwannatalktosampson October 11, 2013, 4:24 pm

      Homemade cream cheese icing is 1000 times better than everything else on god’s green earth, and I don’t even like frosting.

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    • avatar

      AliceInDairyland October 11, 2013, 4:01 pm

      YUM.

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