Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Friday Links: April 27

Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

A filmmaker films his daughter every week for 12 years and makes a time lapse video.

To complement our discussion this week about moving in with a significant other: “The Downside of Cohabiting Before Marriage,” from the New York Times.

From Huffington Post: “What Women Want From A Man’s Apartment: What Are Your Biggest Turn-Ons?”

From “Five Signs She’s Not the One”

From Inc.: “5 Steps to Game-Changing Relationships”

From Lydia Netzer: “15 Ways to Stay Married for 15 Years”

From the TODAY show: “Couple, married 83 years, share their secret”

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to [email protected] and if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

10 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Taylor April 27, 2012, 12:11 pm

    Very cool video! I wish we could hear her.

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    Beckaleigh April 27, 2012, 12:29 pm

    My daughter will be 12 later this year and that video brought tears to my eyes. To see how much that little girl changed so quickly over the course of only one year (let alone all 12) makes me realize that my baby isn’t a baby anymore.

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  • CatsMeow

    CatsMeow April 27, 2012, 1:16 pm

    Men/Guys/Boys/Dudes of DW: What do you think about the AskMen one?

    #1 is relevant to me, I think. (“She’s Amazing – But You Still Can’t Commit”)

    “Yet, even though you know she’s ‘perfect,’ you can’t visualize yourself with her forever. It’s what psychotherapist Ken Page calls ‘the wave of distancing,’ and it’s pretty common. ‘You’re with somebody who’s decent, kind, and available — and yet you get bored, judgmental, and annoyed,’ he says. ‘So take a step back and let the wave pass.’ Good advice — unless, of course, the ‘wave’ lasts for six months. Then it’s probably not a wave, and either this relationship isn’t right or you’re not ready for any relationship.”

    Is the “wave” thing actually normal? My ex had trouble committing, telling me that he thought he couldn’t see a “future” with me. But now he says he was WRONG, and he CAN, and he’s trying to get back together. Did he have a “wave”? Is that really a thing?

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    • avatar

      NicoleMarie April 27, 2012, 4:06 pm

      I wondered about that “sign” too. I have been with my bf for 3 years now, love each other very much, and all his friends and family love me, and I just can’t understand what is holding him back from committing. I always wonder if maybe he just doesn’t view me as “the one”, or what the hell the deal is. His friends and family have both told me that this is the “best relationship he’s ever been in” so I’m not sure what the hang up is. Knowing that the “wave” phenomenon is true would make me feel a LOT better haha.

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    • Leroy

      Leroy April 27, 2012, 9:27 pm

      I don’t know. I think it depends on the guy’s personality. I’m not somebody’s who has experienced ‘waves of distancing’. But I do think that for a lot of men, the big commitment comes when they’re at a place in their lives that they feel they can meet the obligations that this entails. So it’s not a fear of committing to the woman, as much as the fear that they won’t be able to meet her expectations, or their own. The funny thing is that it’s often the same guys who will make good husbands, because they take the responsibility seriously, only they’ve psyched themselves out because their expectations are too stringent.

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      • avatar

        moonflowers April 30, 2012, 5:14 pm

        The most important thing I learned about guys ever (which I only learned last year, alas!) was that they’re not happy if they can’t make the woman in their lives happy. So that means they’re not going to be willing to commit unless they are sure they will be able to keep her safe, provided for, and satisfied in all aspects of her life – which, to them, often means having a good job or paycheck, or being able to afford a house, etc. It’s so different from how women see commitment – “If he loves me enough he’ll commit” – but it does have its own heavily practical sort of sweetness to it. 🙂

  • avatar

    SweetPeaG April 27, 2012, 1:33 pm

    Loved the “15 ways” one. I passed it on to my fiance and to my friends who will be getting married soon. It seems like some pretty sound advice.
    Thanks for posting!

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  • avatar

    sarolabelle April 27, 2012, 2:31 pm

    The Today Show story about the couple bugs me. Anyone who can do simple math knows 1925 was 87 years ago. I think that was when they met but they married in 1929.

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  • avatar

    Addie Pray April 27, 2012, 8:19 pm

    I loved that video. I want a kid so I can make a video like that. I also think I’d like a kid.

    I saw the segment on the old couple on the Today Show – and I thought it was adorable. I could watch those two all day long.

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  • avatar

    *HmC* April 27, 2012, 9:17 pm

    FYI- I sent Wendy that co-habitation piece from the New York Times. I realize that it’s an op-ed, and that some of the data it references is arguably unscientific. But it goes to the root of some of the main reasons I personally am not going to co-habitate (for me, it’s not for religious reasons, but more for practical reasons). I don’t personally believe in the whole “he won’t buy the cow if he can get the milk for free” stance (because who would want a guy like that and also, I’m not against pre-marital sex) so I like that that’s not what the article focuses on. Rather, it discusses the practical issues involved that I personally believe in, at least in the context of my life and my relationship. For example, someone brought up yesterday on here the whole slide effect, of unsuitable couples getting married, at least in part, because it’s harder to break up once you’re living together. I also like the piece because it offers advice for strengthening your relationship should you choose to live together, which I think is good considering how many people make that choice. And the author does insist that she doesn’t care what people do, either way, but is writing the piece to clarify that there are ways to go about it that are healthier for a relationship than other ways, though I suppose some would disagree that she is being objective.

    Oh! And the comments on the piece are pretty decent. My favorite ones:

    “If you’re the kind of person who either slides tepidly into major life moments or pours over social science research to develop love-life stratagems, then you’ve got bigger problems than divorce. Get your passions in order! As in, have some.

    So maybe you get married. So maybe you get divorced. Maybe both or either hurts. You grow. That’s how it works.” – historesque

    “Cohabitation combines the worst aspects of both marriage, and being single” – Wil

    “It’s almost more interesting reading the comments than the article, since many of them are taking strong offense on the “macro” of perceived political, gender, and religious issues rather than the “micro” of the strength of an individual relationship.

    The data here is certainly iffy, but that’s not entirely Dr. Jay’s fault; there’s very little good data on why relationships end, especially premarital ones.

    As it turns out, though, Dr. Jay’s view isn’t all that original. For almost 15 years, Carolyn Hax – certainly no conservative or anti-feminist – has been preaching the danger of moving in together. Why?

    – If there are outstanding unresolved issues that are potential deal-breakers , couples almost universally put off working on them when they move in, since there’s no urgency to do so. That means they just get worse rather than better over time.

    – The lack of a timeline and lack of work on issues mean bad relationships end up lasting far, far longer than they should.

    – It’s a heck of a lot harder to move out than to move in, both emotionally to break things off and financially.

    Ms. Hax’s solution to this is one I agree with: if you’re moving in with someone, you should be engaged – or if neither of you wants to get married, that you should be at the point where otherwise you would be engaged. That is, move in together only if you’re ready to work through life as a couple, with all the sacrifices, compromise, and planning that entails. Makes sense to me.” – Harold S

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