Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Friday Links: August 24

Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

From The Telegraph: “Study shows marriage stops men drinking – as their wives hit the bottle instead”

Conversely, “Drinking After Divorce: Men Are More Likely Than Women To Turn To Drinking After Split, Study Suggests” from the Huffington Post

From Shapely Prose: “A guy’s guide to approaching strange women without being maced”

From Jezebel: “Listen Up, Ladies: Here’s Everything Real Men Think Is Wrong With You”

From CNN.com: Rapist suing for parental rights (WTF!!)

This one from Remnant Time is just funny: “5 Ways To Save Some Fucking Money”

From Learn Vest: “I Can’t Afford My Friends’ Weddings”

From Random House: Four advice columnists—Cheryl Strayed, Cary Tennis, Emily Yoffe and Lynn Coady—talk shop

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to wendy@dearwendy.com and if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

You can follow me on Facebook here.

67 comments… add one
  • iwannatalktosampson

    iwannatalktosampson August 24, 2012, 1:04 pm

    Ha that article about 5 ways to save money is hilarious.

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      SpaceySteph August 24, 2012, 4:00 pm

      #5 is my favorite. When I go out I don’t even have that much fun because I think about how much crap I need to get done at home, like dust something, or empty the dishwasher. I should just go home and do it, then I have a clean house and saved a bunch of money.

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    Trixy Minx August 24, 2012, 1:26 pm

    Yay mime is posted! Its the advice column one.

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    kerrycontrary August 24, 2012, 1:27 pm

    I’m kind of annoyed with the “I can’t afford to attend my friend’s wedding” article. Ok, I get having to attend a lot of weddings during certain time periods of your life. But this author is going into debt ($4000 is not just a little debt!) instead of saying no. Plus her parents are paying for her to attend these weddings when she’s 29. This isn’t some 22 year old fresh out of college having to attend 4 weddings the summer after graduation. You should have your shit figured out at 29, seriuosly.

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      jlyfsh August 24, 2012, 1:35 pm

      i understand the sentiment but even when you have your shit together things happen. i had to choose not to attend a friend’s wedding this past summer because of money. it was substantially more than $400 (like 5x that) but i just didn’t have it.

      however, the person who wrote this article definitely doesn’t seem to be very good at managing money!

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        kerrycontrary August 24, 2012, 1:50 pm

        Yeh, and I totally get that. I think not attending the wedding is the responsible thing to do. But I think this author just keeps saying “yes” to every wedding even when she can’t afford it.

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        jlyfsh August 24, 2012, 2:11 pm

        definitely agree that she needs to learn to say no, it’s not always the fun option, but you have to do what you have to do!

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        Trixy Minx August 24, 2012, 2:12 pm

        Also, she gives them three gifts! That is way too much imo.

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      • MaterialsGirl

        MaterialsGirl August 24, 2012, 2:16 pm

        There was a summer where I was in grad school, my stipend was mysteriously cut over the summer (and they didn’t let us know until we tried to pick up our checks), and I had TWO summer weddings to attend. Both were very out of state and for good friends. I ultimately said ‘no’ to the more expensive one which would have required paying for a room at a spa retreat hotel thing. The other was much more manageable and I had already planned to stay with a friend’s parents. Turns out, I picked the right wedding to go to since the couple whose wedding I couldn’t attend got divorced.

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        bethany August 24, 2012, 2:25 pm

        Yeah, she is over gifting, for sure.

        We got very few engagement gifts, and the ones I liked the most were little things from my girlfriends, like bridal magazines, or a bottle of champagne. She’s also spending way more on gifts than she should be, given her current financial state. Give what you can afford. If it’s $50 or $150, that’s fine, but make sure it’s reasonable for you.

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        Clare August 24, 2012, 3:06 pm

        She has a whole financial planning/money management blog! Seems like she needs to do some more research.

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      Christy August 24, 2012, 3:13 pm

      I mean, think about all the people we went to grad school with who are right around 30 and just starting a new career. It’s not like they have the money for expensive weddings. (They also wouldn’t take help.)

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    • Kristina

      Kristina August 24, 2012, 2:41 pm

      I definitely get how expensive it can be to go to weddings, but that article also annoyed me a lot. The fact that she pays 50% of her income in rent (and doesn’t have the extra room to be doing so), and then lets her parents pay for plane tickets at 29 and such is irresponsible in my opinion. It’s one thing if you don’t have the money after budgeting well, but it’s another thing when you’re not managing your money well in the first place. Even then, there’s nothing wrong with not attending if you cannot afford it.

      I have 2 very expensive weddings to go to next year, one of which is in India, and I’m saving for them now so I won’t have to get into debt. Though, I’m not sure I’m looking forward to all the endless weddings to attend.

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        Christy August 24, 2012, 3:12 pm

        See, I’ll grant her the rent. NYC is really expensive. But couldn’t she have taken the bus to Boston if she was really that strapped for cash? No shame in MegaBus.

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      • MaterialsGirl

        MaterialsGirl August 24, 2012, 3:18 pm

        even my Mother has taken megabus.. it’s not that bad

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    jlyfsh August 24, 2012, 2:18 pm

    i just can’t even begin to process the article about rapists having parental rights.

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      GatorGirl August 24, 2012, 3:16 pm

      This isn’t 100% relative but…In 6th grade I went on a church trip to Mexico. During that trip I learned that one of the other girls on the trip had been raped, birthed a child from that rape, and her mother decided to adopt the child as her own. So the rape victim was being raised with their rapists baby as a sibling! I’m not saying anyone made the wrong decision here and it sounds like the child was getting a great upbringing, but as a 6th grader (and still today) I have a hard time wrapping my head around it.

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      • MaterialsGirl

        MaterialsGirl August 24, 2012, 3:22 pm

        and that’s another point the article talks about: the notion that ‘rapist babies’ are constant reminders of a painful situation. That may be in some cases, and certainly abortions and adoptions are the way to go for many people, but the author points out that some women have the “it’s just you and me, kid” attitude about the babies. That they are both victims. I have a hard time figuring out what I would do as well, but I guess it’s just one of those you have to be there to understand it situations?

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    • MaterialsGirl

      MaterialsGirl August 24, 2012, 2:26 pm

      I know. That was my contribution. This is her website. !

      you know, she practices in Chicago. AP-have you met her at all? Maybe she can do a guest spot on DW?

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        Addie Pray August 24, 2012, 2:34 pm

        I’ve never met her – hadn’t heard of her until now. Interesting. Clearly her rape was not a legitimate rape because she got pregnant. That, or her body malfunctioned. [We’re still allowed to make a mockery of Akin right?]

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      • MaterialsGirl

        MaterialsGirl August 24, 2012, 2:40 pm

        oh totally. I’m reading through her Georgetown Journal publication now. VERY interesting points. It’s trickier than you think. Just stating the sentence “Should my rapist have parental rights?” would elicit “NO’s” from everyone, BUT you then have to deal with all the other preconceived notions and laws dealing with “what is rape” and “rapist’s child” etc.

        http://georgetownlawjournal.org/files/pdf/98-3/Prewitt.PDF

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        6napkinburger August 26, 2012, 12:05 pm

        I have met her. she’s kind of awesome. I met her in a different context though.

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        haggith August 24, 2012, 2:45 pm

        thanks for the link! a pdf copy of her book in available in her website too. the abstract says that 25000 women become pregnant through rape every year… appalling

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      • MaterialsGirl

        MaterialsGirl August 24, 2012, 3:01 pm

        Here’s a link to an article which shows a chart with the protection levels for rape victims who go ahead with the pregnancy
        http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2012/08/rapist-seeks-child-custody-shauna-prewitt

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    • katie

      katie August 24, 2012, 3:44 pm

      i know- i just dont even know how to process that…

      i mean, i was thinking about it, and parents DO have parental rights, right? so then i was like, well shit. i guess its probably not even that hard for rapists to get visitation!! omg.

      and now im sad.

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      SpaceySteph August 24, 2012, 2:47 pm

      I am trying to write a response but pretty sure my seething prevents me from formulating sentences.

      He’s a rapist. How is he not convicted? And in prison? And how can any convicted rapist get visitation rights for any child, even one he didn’t conceive through rape if the mother takes him to court? What court is allowing this crap?!
      AAHHHHH!

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        SpaceySteph August 24, 2012, 2:52 pm

        Like what I’m saying is that if a guy rapes a woman and is convicted, but also fathers a child through consensual sex… shouldn’t his history of sexual violence keep a court from awarding him visitation of that child?! Does character (or lack thereof) not come into the discussion?

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      • MaterialsGirl

        MaterialsGirl August 24, 2012, 2:57 pm

        SS-read through the PDF.. your eyes will be opened!

        It has more to do with the stereotypes on real rape, the % of women who take their rapist to court or even get a rape kit (and that rape kit actually gets run).. plus the wording of the laws requires you to be VERY CERTAIN that you could convict the man of rape and not have him plead to lesser charges.

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        jlyfsh August 24, 2012, 3:08 pm

        ugh that is just awful. awful. so now a woman who chooses to keep the pregnancy has to consider whether or not their is sufficient evidence to convict the rapist or she might just be sharing custody of the child for the next 18 years. and there are rapists who use that fact as black mail?

        i guess since these women are blessed with the pregnancy they should feel blessed that the father wants to step up? bleh.

        and thanks for sharing the pdf. i have to wait until after work to read it but it is very interesting. and scary.

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      • MaterialsGirl

        MaterialsGirl August 24, 2012, 3:13 pm

        it’s that whole ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t’ attitude toward women. First, they don’t want us to have access to abortion. If you choose not to abort, then you’re tormented for keeping the baby! Insane.

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        jlyfsh August 24, 2012, 3:15 pm

        ugh i used the wrong there. gah!

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      • SweetsAndBeats

        SweetsAndBeats August 24, 2012, 8:31 pm

        I’m all for having certain requirements in place for breeding rights, but the thing is that disallowing convicted rapists from siring and visiting his children is just one step closer to that, and most people think that breeding requirements are inhumane or something.

        It does suck, though, for the woman. She shouldn’t have to go through the court processes of removing his parental rights, but that’s just the way the law works.

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    bethany August 24, 2012, 2:36 pm

    I enjoyed the “how not to get maced article”– Especially the 3rd section: “Women are communicating all the time. Learn to understand and respect women’s communication to you.”

    One of my biggest pet peeves is when people (anyone, not just someone romantically interested in me), ignores physical clues that I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU! I can’t stand it when people try to engage in conversation when it’s clear that I just want to be left alone!! ipod on, eyes down in the elevator=do not talk to me!

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      Clare August 24, 2012, 3:08 pm

      I hate that too! If I’m sitting on a bench in a public park reading a book and you say hi and I say hi and then look back down at the book, leave me alone! I had some guy come up to me in that situation and his opening line was “So, today two people have told me I look like I’m gay. What do you think?” I didn’t even know how to respond.

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        Clare August 24, 2012, 3:13 pm

        After he finally got the message to go away, he asked for a hug. Ugh.

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        bethany August 24, 2012, 3:58 pm

        You should have hugged his face with your fist.
        I kid, I kid…

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    kerrycontrary August 24, 2012, 3:02 pm

    OOoh I like that article too. I hate when men don’t leave me alone in public. When you approach me in a f-ing PARKING LOT I will be scared of you and stand 5 feet away and get out of the conversation as early as possible.

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    GatorGirl August 24, 2012, 3:07 pm

    Lady who wrote the bridesmaid article…I’m at a loss.

    “I’m hoping to pay off a little over $4,000 of credit card debt by the end of this year. I don’t even use the card: It’s tied to my overdraft, so if I run out of money at the end of the month, it dips into that, which is where those problems are coming from.”

    Wrong. You are using the credit card. Linking your credit card to your checking account for over draft protection is the same damn thing as swiping the credit card to buy a latte. Plus cash withdraws on credit cards almost always have way higher interest rates. I’m so baffled by this whole thought process here.

    If you can’t afford to attend DON’T GO. If you can’t afford an expensive gift DON”T BUY ONE. You’re not obligated to go to anyone’s wedding other than you’re own. Ugh this “pitty me” peice really annoyed me.

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      GatorGirl August 24, 2012, 3:17 pm

      I also found it annoying that one of the things she listed she got out of a wedding was eating a lobster. What?

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        SpaceySteph August 24, 2012, 3:23 pm

        I can’t even believe she spent $200 on gifts for a girl who could afford lobster at her wedding.

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        Trixy Minx August 24, 2012, 4:21 pm

        I can’t believe she spent $200 on gifts for anyone.

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    Taylor August 24, 2012, 3:09 pm

    Great set of articles! “A guy’s guide to approaching strange women without being maced” – I wish I’d read this years ago. I’ve spent years trying to explain to decent men that they can be threatening to women they don’t know. And great advice from jezebel – “Here’s my new beauty tip for everyone on earth: Go read a book or something.”

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    Christy August 24, 2012, 3:16 pm

    I don’t understand why she doesn’t go to weddings and explain that she didn’t have the money for a gift but she still wanted to celebrate. She’d save 9×200=$1800 by not getting those ridiculous gifts.

    Some people are just bad at money.

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  • katie

    katie August 24, 2012, 4:01 pm

    ok, about the wedding article:

    1. weddings cost too damn much. she mentioned in there that some friends had thankfully had the bacchelorette party and wedding shower in the same weekend, saving her two trips. and by trips, i assume she means literal trips- airfare, rented car, ect, ect. i think this is a HUGE problem with weddings- they arent just weddings. they are a bridal shower, engagment party, bacchelorette party, wedding day, and day after brunch…. they are actually at least 5 seperate parties. i dont get this, i always thought a wedding was just that, but now all your friends are expected to fly to exotic places for just the bacchelor party, and then fly probably in the other direction to the actual wedding. it just doesnt make sense to me.

    2. i actually agree with this lady that she is happy to be there on her friends and families big days. i think that weddings/birthdays/deaths/whatever are big things, and you should be there. thats not to say that your less of a friend if you can only go to the actual wedding part, but i would be that girl too. i would rather go to my friends wedding. that is an experience and a bond that is formed that money cant buy.

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      SpaceySteph August 24, 2012, 4:15 pm

      For my own wedding I told my mom she could throw 1 pre-party if she wanted. We ended up having a nice engagement party back home (I live in another state) and it was really fun to see everyone. I do think that if your people are spread out, its nice to get together with them (especially my extended family) without the added pressure of a crazy busy wedding. So I do think they’re not all bad, but they are definitely getting out of hand.

      When my friend found out I wasn’t having a shower, she went behind my back to my other bridesmaids to convince them to throw me a shower. But I know would kill me and her other 9 bridesmaids if we don’t throw her a shower, but like the girl in the article at least she’s doing shower and bachelorette party on the same weekend. Sigh.

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      • katie

        Katie August 24, 2012, 6:28 pm

        I like that- they aren’t all bad but they are getting out of hand.

        Definitely.

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    SpaceySteph August 24, 2012, 3:16 pm

    I also think this article about the weddings is ridiculous. First of all, you have 9 best friends? I doubt that. I really do.
    I have way more than 9 friends, but best friends?… 2, maybe 3. I have friends who I would eat ramen noodles for a month or skip fun things in order to afford to go to their weddings. Those are my best friends. And then I have friends who I would say “I’m sorry I just can’t afford it.”

    And like above, I’m shocked that shes spending so much on gifts and everything. I went to a wedding for a good friend far away and I got them a card. My flying halfway across the country, renting a car, and running a last minute Sudafed errand (among other errands) for the sinus-infected maid of honor were my gifts. Being there and helping out was my gift to the couple.

    Go to the wedding but don’t be a bridesmaid. Go to only the wedding, not the engagement party, shower, bachelorette, AND wedding. Buy one gift. Or buy no gift but offer and follow through with helping out. In the middle of planning my own wedding I can tell you that a friend offering to stuff envelopes with me for a few hours on a weekend, or help label 100 little glass jars, would mean a lot more than a new gravy boat!
    I should start a new wedding registry, where people offer their time and skills instead of money. It would be a huge hit!

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      GatorGirl August 24, 2012, 3:26 pm

      I totally agree with everything you said. I’m planning my wedding right now too and I will not be upset at all if guests don’t bring a gift. Our wedding is a destination wedding for about half of the guest list and I know if will be financially drainging for them. I’m just happy to have these people celelbrating with us!

      And that is a great idea; a donate your time registry. I would love it if I had more people to donate time the day of the wedding to help with all the set up!

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        SpaceySteph August 24, 2012, 3:54 pm

        I just think of it like the honeymoon registry where it’s like 2 plane tickets cost $800 but they’re looking for ten $80 gifts or something. So you could say: Stuffing invitations will take 4 hours, so you are looking for four 1 hour donations. Four friends sign up and then bam! Envelope packing party! And four friends who don’t need to buy you a gift because they gave you a Saturday afternoon.

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    • katie

      katie August 24, 2012, 3:40 pm

      OMG. make that registry happen!! i would ABSOLUTELY use that!

      i dont need wedding gifts. i was even at my cousins and they were showing me some of the things they got… like, a vase. and my mom got them this cake stand thing. and i just cringed at all of them. i refuse to register. and i planned anyway on asking my family and friends to just help me actually throw the party instead of gifts!

      im so serious that i would use it.

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      • katie

        katie August 24, 2012, 3:41 pm

        oh- she was also so excited about the kitchenaid mixer they got.

        i have had a kitchenaid mixer since my freshman year of high school. i have two, actually, between me and jake. i literally have no use for a registry!!

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      • MaterialsGirl

        MaterialsGirl August 24, 2012, 4:01 pm

        I have all my own GOOD kitchen stuff. Including the requisite kitchen aid mixer (the PRO 6quart ha!) ice cream maker, food processor, immersion blender, le crueset dutch oven, cake stand, cake carriers, graters, cookie presses, i mean what else could you even get me?

        I would like fine china, but I have no where to put it so I guess thats a later in life purchase

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      • katie

        katie August 24, 2012, 4:03 pm

        i have all those too, including the china. lol. i always thought i’d do a “house down payment” registry or a “dream honeymoon” registry. but, i would so much rather have some/most/all of the actual wedding paid for/done for me. i would make that trade any day over gifts, even money gifts.

        and i have the pro 6 qt as well! its nice. haha

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      • MaterialsGirl

        MaterialsGirl August 24, 2012, 4:25 pm

        do you have any attachments for it? Oh I just got this complete with the extra 4 screens. Can’t wait to can me some SAUCE! and salsa…

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        lemongrass August 24, 2012, 6:05 pm

        Love my kitchenaid mixer! I just used it today to make owl cupcakes, ala pinterest. I was licking all the icing off of the beater and thinking “I’d better damn well enjoy eating all the icing because when this baby comes I’ll have to share the beater.”

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        GatorGirl August 24, 2012, 8:07 pm

        Not going to lie…I’m excited about our registry. While I totally don’t expect gifts, I’m super excited for the ones we do get. Like All-Clad pots and pans. Oh I hope some of those are gifted!

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      bethany August 24, 2012, 4:01 pm

      Totally agree! I would rather have a person come to the wedding and really ENJOY the experience, than come to all those events (and get gifts for all of them), and then be stressed out about money and not have fun at the wedding.

      As an aside- I can’t tell you all how glad I am that the wedding is over. I loved it, but mother of God, NEVER again. Never.
      Good luck to all you engaged folks!

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        SpaceySteph August 24, 2012, 4:05 pm

        I already know this is true. The wedding crap has taken over my brain, my few spare weekends, my once-beautiful dining room table, and my spare bedroom. I eat dinner at my coffee table, but now it’s started to disappear under piles of wedding crap too.

        Do you wanna know, I spent an hour at the cake baker trying to decide what fucking cake to have at our wedding. I have heard that tasting cake is supposed to be the fun part, but all I can think is “I’m spending a hard-earned hour of vacation time to deal with CAKE.” Eff all this.

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        bethany August 24, 2012, 4:29 pm

        I put my husband in charge of the cake, because I didn’t really care (not a sweets person). It was actually really good though- people still talk about how good it was!

        Our cake actually fell apart the morning of the wedding (one of the 50 things that went wrong). Luckily the baker had an extra layer laying around, took the whole thing apart and re-made it. She was in tears when she delivered it and tried to give us our money back. The next day she sent us an email explaining what happened along with photos of it in pieces and hammers in the background! God only knows what she did to get that cake in once piece, but it was yummy!

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        GatorGirl August 24, 2012, 8:09 pm

        I can’t wait for all this pre-wedding stuff to be over and just be married! Wedding planning is no fun.

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    • Kristina

      Kristina August 24, 2012, 3:39 pm

      Love this! And people offering time and skills applies can apply to all types of events and parties. I couldn’t fly down for a friend’s party recently, so I offered to help with anything I could from where I am, and I know she greatly appreciated all the help, even though I couldn’t be there.

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  • Budj

    Budj August 24, 2012, 4:27 pm

    1 in 6…thank God there are only 5 men in my nuclear family… Seriously though…1 in 6? I hate statistics… I mean I have no clue what the real number is…and I’m sure it’s higher than most people that haven’t heard “1 in 6” think…but 1 in 6?

    Also – I just typically don’t approach strange women…but when I do….eye contact and any type of positive facial expression is typically a good indicator I have a green light…I think that is pretty much common sense… The world is not lacking in people with under-developed social skills though.

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      bethany August 24, 2012, 4:31 pm

      Yeah, that stat scared me, too. I have a lot of guy friends… a lot more than 6. It’s really scary 🙁

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      • Budj

        Budj August 24, 2012, 4:53 pm

        Well…not to downplay the severity as it is a serious issue…and I’m sure the finangling of that number from whatever study they did was to promote the fact that it is a real problem and something to always keep in mind…. but I highly doubt it’s 1 in 6.

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        Mandy S August 26, 2012, 11:46 am

        It’s actually likely far more than 1 in 6, as most rapes go unreported. I don’t personally know a single woman who has not felt in SOME way violated by a man or threatened by one during her life. It can be something as simple as an inappropriate catcall to being followed in the grocery store to acrually being raped (my current girlfriend was raped by two different men that I know of). I went to an international boarding school and an Ivy League university, so have experience with multi-national women. I have lived in small-town Massachusetts, New York City, and Los Angeles. I am friends with NO women who have not in some way been threatened by a man. Not that all men threaten (they don’t) but all women experience threats. I imagine many of the men who are threatening verbally are harmless physically. But not all of them are. The stat I read said 1 in 60 men are (possible) rapists, while 1 in 6 women are raped. Note – raped does not include harassed, beaten, groped, flashed in public, stalked, and in many cases depending on the state’s definition, sodomized. If you included those statistics, they would be far greater. Belief by doctors re: rape is that the actual number of women who are or will be during their lifetime is closer to 1 in 4.

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      • avatar

        savannah August 27, 2012, 8:37 am

        why?

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  • Kristina

    Kristina August 24, 2012, 3:33 pm

    Regarding that article about approaching strange women, I dislike when someone is approaching me and one of the first things a guy might say is, “I’m not trying to hurt you or anything”. It’s like they don’t get why I’m standing 5 or 6 feet away. They’ve probably already done or said something that made me step away. I can’t fully explain it, but when someone says that, it bothers me, despite that it may be done with good intentions. To me, you’re a stranger, so don’t try to convince me that I can trust you right away. Often, actions speak louder than words, and I will trust my gut.

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