Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Friday Links, July 13

Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

Yikes!:

“Why do moms in my generation regress, whether by drugging, cheating, or going out too late and too often? Because everything our children thrive on—stability, routine, lack of flux, love, well-paired parents—feels like death to those entrusted with their care.”

Read more of “The 40-Year-Old Reversion” from The Awl

A funny piece written by a new friend — and neighbor: “Got Milf?: Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Post-Baby Sex (But were afraid to ask)” from the Observer

From The Telegraph: “Watch out lotharios: Faking romantic feelings can actually lead to the real thing”

From ABCNews: “Seven Signs Your Spouse Is Cheating on You”

From Glo: “10 Things Never to Say to Childless Friends”

From Huffington Post: “Dispelling The Myth Of Gender Bias In The Family Court System”

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to [email protected] and if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

37 comments… add one
  • avatar

    kerrycontrary July 13, 2012, 12:13 pm

    Um…I don’t even know how to comment on the 1st article. I hope I don’t behave like that when I’m a mom. And I hope I’m not so miserable or bored that I have to constantly medicate myself with alcohol/prescriptions/drugs.

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    • avatar

      MJ July 13, 2012, 12:26 pm

      That article was so, so depressing. If that’s life in your 40s, we should all just die now. Or nuke Brooklyn. (Not really.)

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    • Leroy

      Leroy July 13, 2012, 1:20 pm

      It’s not the age, it’s the culture.

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    • avatar

      Clare July 13, 2012, 1:28 pm

      That was terrible! I don’t think I’ll ever act like that…

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  • avatar

    jlyfsh July 13, 2012, 12:22 pm

    yikes is right for the first article. i didn’t even finish it. and loved the article about what not to say to someone without kids. for some reason people find it perfectly acceptable to comment on certain things like if you’re dating, when you’re going to get married, if/when you’re going to have kids, if/when/why you should or shouldn’t have more kids or why one gender is better than another. i’m probably more sensitive to this article because my husband and i are both in our 30s and have been married for i guess what is socially the correct amount of time before you should start thinking about having kids and i get asked about it what feels like ALL the time. or if i have a conversation with someone and we get to no, no kids, i get some of the responses in the article. like aww it’ll happen and then when i say, no we don’t want kids the next response is what does your husband want. do you think if he wanted kids and i didn’t we would have gotten married? so very annoying!

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  • avatar

    Clare July 13, 2012, 12:45 pm

    I love kids and I really want to be a mom someday, but the second article kind of freaks me out. The more I know about the actual process of giving birth and everything that comes after (physically), the less I want to have kids!

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    • katie

      katie July 13, 2012, 12:54 pm

      right??? omg. its terrifying to think about.

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      • avatar

        Clare July 13, 2012, 1:29 pm

        I know it’s worth it in the end but STILL.

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      • katie

        Katie July 13, 2012, 1:40 pm

        Yea. I’m still trying to figure out if it would be worth it… Sigh.

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      • Amybelle

        Amybelle July 13, 2012, 4:53 pm

        I have more intense orgasms since giving birth, and with a lot less effort. It’s awesome. Obviously that doesn’t happen for everyone, but my point is that what’s true for someone else might not be true for you. And whether you have kids or don’t, your life, your body, and your sex drive are going to change over time, maybe for better, maybe not…you can never know ahead of time if anything will be worth it!

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  • katie

    katie July 13, 2012, 12:54 pm

    i really liked the last line from the first article: “nothing changes, you just have to pay a babysitter”. and i also think that was the point…

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    • avatar

      kerrycontrary July 13, 2012, 2:05 pm

      From what I hear EVERYTHING changes.

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      • katie

        katie July 13, 2012, 3:00 pm

        no, i think it was more about their way of life… like, that was the pont of the article i think- people are people whether they have kids or not. these people were probably drinking and doing hard drugs in their teens/twenties, and so now after they have kids, that didnt magically solve their (possible) issues with drinking/drugs, and it didnt magically turn them into “good” fathers and mothers who are upstanding citizens and who dont do those kinds of things (good being in quotes because just because people drink or do drugs doesnt make them bad).

        im sure if someone from a different lifestyle wrote a similar article, the same would be true… like, someone who really liked movies and staying in and knitting by the fireplace isnt going to magically change into a social mom getting their toddler into every activity they can. they are still going to like staying in, watching movies and knitting by the fire…

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  • iwannatalktosampson

    iwannatalktosampson July 13, 2012, 1:47 pm

    Ah everyone read the Glo article and discuss it. I picked it!

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    • iwannatalktosampson

      iwannatalktosampson July 13, 2012, 1:48 pm

      It’s 5 o’clock somewhere right? I am doing a take home midterm and think I would have more fun if I did it at the pool with a beer. Thoughts?

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      • katie

        katie July 13, 2012, 1:52 pm

        make it into a game. any question you automatically know the answer to = one drink. any question you have to look up = 2 drinks.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson July 13, 2012, 2:17 pm

        This is a GREAT idea. The good thing is that It’s not due until Monday at 5, so I can always work on it semi tipsy today and then check my answers Monday morning. Win-win!

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    • katie

      katie July 13, 2012, 1:53 pm

      i think ill need that article in not too long… jake and I (oh, he needs a DW name.) dont know if we are going to have kids, and i know as soon as the when are you going to get married that we are getting now stops, its going to turn into the when are you having kids… so it was informative. thanks.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark July 13, 2012, 2:09 pm

    Hah! That ABC article on the 7 Signs? Hilarious! Look, if you’re seriously so fucking STUPID that you don’t already know any of those startling revelations you truly deserve to be cheated on since you’re obviously too stupid to live — much less be married…

    6: He smells like perfume…

    Come on, seriously? Where is number 8? “There is frequently lipstick on his dick — and it’s so not your shade, either.”

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    • call-me-hobo

      call-me-hobo July 13, 2012, 3:48 pm

      9: When you try to initiate intimacy, his response is always, “No thanks, I just had some sex.”

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      • AKchic_

        AKchic_ July 13, 2012, 3:54 pm

        “My wrist really hurst tonight babe… see… masturbated too hard today.”

        *giggle*

        Sorry, couldn’t resist that.

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  • MaterialsGirl

    MaterialsGirl July 13, 2012, 3:45 pm

    wow wow wow to the ‘regression’ article. I’m not having that much ‘fun’ in my twenties..

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  • Kristina

    Kristina July 13, 2012, 4:37 pm

    My mom has been very oddly pressuring me to have kids lately–though she doesn’t want me to have any now. She has always said all 10 of those things in the “10 Things Never to Say to Childless Friends” article. It’s obviously a little different since she is my mom, but still, I don’t appreciate it. I have many friends who are in their mid and late 20s and some of them same the same things to my boyfriend and I. It’s annoying. I’ve gone from the “never, ever, ever wanting kids” camp to the “eh, possibly, someday” camp. My boyfriend isn’t entirely sure either, so it’s strange to have all this pressure from our friends–particularly the older ones (as in older than us) who are married and with a kid or two already. Add in to the fact that I may or may not be able to have a kid due to infertility, and I really don’t appreciate people who like to think that having the kids is the only option in life when you reach a certain age, or have already been together a long time.

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  • AKchic_

    AKchic_ July 13, 2012, 3:53 pm

    *sigh*

    I see it all too often on the first link. The excuses are “I’m just not letting my kids change me”, usually. Or “you’re only as old as you feel/act”. I get accused of being “boring” for staying at home all the time. Honestly, the bar scene just doesn’t interest me. Yeah, I went out after I started my 2nd divorce (everyone insisted I get out and “cut loose”, including my own mom). But there really is no point, and Anchorage isn’t exactly known for it’s thrilling night life.

    The adults who do this crap are pathetic. They are still living a teenage mentality.

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark July 13, 2012, 5:03 pm

      I also think many parents today AREN’T that connected to their kids. How can they be? When they simply dump them off at daycare for somebody else to raise?

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      • AKchic_

        AKchic_ July 13, 2012, 6:56 pm

        I can partially agree with you. Partially. With societal changes, it is becoming more and more common (and necessary) for people to have and need two-income households in order to pay bills. I’m not saying that SOME lifestyles couldn’t stand to be scaled back. I’m saying that some folks are doing okay and are being responsible, but do need two incomes in order to do so, and aren’t living off of the welfare system in order to do so, either.

        Daycare does have it’s place in our society. Unfortunately, too many take this to mean surrogate parency. That’s not what it’s for. Yes, it’s a substitution, but only on a parttime basis.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark July 13, 2012, 8:00 pm

        I agree, but I do think that is has sadly gone from being a last resort to the go-to option for far too many…

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      • Amybelle

        Amybelle July 13, 2012, 8:43 pm

        I think it’s sad that far too many people who don’t have kids are far too judgemental of those who do. If the worst thing you do as a parent is put your kids in daycare you are doing just fine. And it’s incredibly obnoxious to claim that parents who “dump” their kids in daycare aren’t connected to their children, or are less connected than those who stay home with them full time.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark July 13, 2012, 8:53 pm

        Perhaps I actually base this on being around people who have kids… Its readily apparent to even the most casual outsider. But go on, convince yourself otherwise…

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson July 15, 2012, 9:44 am

        I was at the pool yesterday Mark for like an house and there were two Dad’s there with two kids each. Neither Dad got in the water ONCE to play with their kids – they sat on chairs playing with their iphones. It was ridiculous. Occasionally they would yet at their kids for something – but I’m not even sure they would have noticed if they started drowning. It was really sad. They had wedding rings on and I imagine this is the only quality time they get with them all week. I at least know that’s the case for one set of the kids because I occasionally see the mom there with them during the day during the week. And he was telling his kids they couldn’t stay too long because they were going to the museum with their mom later. It’s like people don’t even like to hang out with their kids – it was like a chore for him. It was weird. I wanted to get in the pool and play with them and engage with them. You could tell they were just craving their Dad’s attention – but apparently whatever was on his phone was more important.

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      • avatar

        bethany July 16, 2012, 5:39 pm

        That kind of stuff makes me so sad. 🙁

        When I was little, my dad came home from work early one night, and tried to pick me up. I started screaming because I didn’t know who he was. Shortly after he basically asked to be demoted at work, because spending time with him family was more important to him than a job.
        I’m beyond thankful to have parents that were invested in me, and hung out with me.

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      • theattack

        theattack July 15, 2012, 4:34 am

        I think both of you have great points. Bonding happens when you spend time with your kid, and obviously taking them to daycare instead of staying home decreases the time, and therefore decreases the connection. That’s just logic.

        But I believe that parents who use daycare _can_ put forth enough effort in their time together to bridge that gap. It just takes extra work that, unfortunately, not everyone is willing to put forth. Some parents want to bond with their children so they make that happen despite the daycare, but others miss out on a valuable connection because they don’t realize or don’t care to take a step extra for their child during their time together. It’s not necessary to demonize parents who use daycare altogether (which I don’t think BGM was doing), but it’s smart to recognize the gap there and observe the differences so we can optimize on our resources without damaging our final product.

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      • avatar

        evanscr05 July 16, 2012, 10:25 am

        There are some pluses to daycare, though (and for the record, I have no children, but these are points friends/family with kids have expressed to me and I think they are valid pros).

        1) Kids need to be exposed to germs. They need to be able to built up their immune system so being around other kids helps with this. And while doing this certainly upticks the number of illnesses your kids have at an early age, it can also mean that later on down the road, they get sick less often and thus miss out on less school/work.

        2) Kids need to play with other kids. Humans are social creatures, so it’s good to expose your children to other children so they can learn to develop bonds with people outside of their parents/family and so they can learn to fend for themselves.

        3) Being in daycare can help with societal expectations once they start school, like learning how to focus, how to sit still, how to speak/connect with non-related adults, how to share, and how to deal with lots of different races/cultures/personalities/etc.

        I definitely think when I have kids I’d like to either be a stay at home mom, or a part-time working mom, for the first few years of their life because it certainly is good for bonding, but at the same time, I think sprinkling in some day care here and there has its benefits, too.

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  • avatar

    Sasa July 14, 2012, 7:40 am

    I have a theory about the “40-year-old reversion” (assuming, perhaps incorrectly, that that’s really “a thing”). Many people in their 30ies – or maybe it already starts earlier for some – are under a lot of pressure to find a life partner, get ahead professionally, and to have kids. They are in a rush to set up an adult life (or one which looks adult on the outside) and don’t really stop to question why they are doing it. They do it because everyone’s doing it and think they’ll automatically be happy with it. Then, once they have a job, the wedding is over, the house is bought and the babies are born (or a few years old), they notice that they’re really bored by all this. Cynicism starts setting in when they observe other people around them acting out – cheating or doing drugs or whatever. Life is long, and they wonder what’s still in it for them. Answer: Excitement of any form. So… I guess it’s important to realize that setting up an “adult life” is not some kind of end goal after which you’ll just be blissfully happy forever. It’s just the start really. Bottom line, I think people who carefully think about what kind of life they want as 30-somethings won’t “regress” as 40-somethings.

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    • CatsMeow

      CatsMeow July 14, 2012, 12:55 pm

      Yeah. I totally agree with what you’re saying. I hate how people equate all that stuff with “growing up” – getting married, having kids, “settling down” and quitting the party scene. I think you can be a responsible “grown up” without doing all those things and without sacrificing what you consider “fun”. I also don’t think that having kids means your life must thereafter ALWAYS revolve around them; to me, that’s a recipe for unhappiness. But then again, I don’t have kids. And I might not ever. So maybe don’t listen to me. 😉

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      • avatar

        Sasa July 14, 2012, 2:50 pm

        Agreed! I’m 28 and for me the definition of “grown up” changed completely in the last two years or so. I now believe it just means living the life you really want, and living with whatever that entails. As a result, my “grown up” life now looks much different from what I would have thought a few years ago. I’m really happy with it for now. Of course for people who truly want to “settle down” in the traditional way, I think they’ll be happy with that, too. It’s just important to think it through rather than blindly doing what everyone else is doing.

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    • theattack

      theattack July 15, 2012, 4:39 am

      I agree, and as a young 20-something Southern girl, I witness a lot of people marrying too early and for the wrong reasons. It’s so easy to pick out the people who are marrying because it’s the next step after college from the people who are marrying because they love someone, have a strong relationship, and want to build a life and share adventures together. The differences are very significant.

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