Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Friday Links, July 19

Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

Love this: “How to make friends as a grown up: stop being a victim, start making plans” [via Offbeat Home]

“Sex on Campus: She Can Play That Game, Too” [via NYTimes]

And a response piece to the above article: “New York Times Investigates UPenn, Discovers Women In College Have Casual Sex” [via HuffPo]

Here’s a camp memoir essay for those of us who are nostalgic for the summer camps we never attended: “The Oldest Girls” [via The Hairpin]

“The link between successful women and sport” [via FT Magazine]

“How Some Women Benefit From Marrying a Man Who Makes Less Money” [via The Atlantic]

“5 tips that may save your wedding (and your sanity)” [via CNN]

“The CTFD Method Is the Greatest of All Parenting Trends” [via Jezebel]

“Massachusetts’ Simple Solution for Preventing Domestic Homicide” [via Slate]

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to [email protected] and if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

94 comments… add one
  • avatar

    lets_be_honest July 19, 2013, 1:06 pm

    Every parent should follow the CTFD Method.

    drink?

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    A La Mode July 19, 2013, 1:16 pm

    “How Some Women Benefit From Marrying a Man Who Makes Less Money”

    Can we please just stop talking about how men’s income can benefit women? Everybody gets all up in arms if anybody dares talk about it the other way around, but it’s somehow okay when it’s a woman being concerned about her partner’s earnings or earning potential. I just wish we could focus on how trends affect both partners regardless of gender.

    Reply Link
    • theattack

      theattack July 19, 2013, 1:23 pm

      I don’t think the solution is to stop talking about it altogether. If you think we don’t talk enough about the other side, let’s talk about that TOO. I personally love talking about the divisions of labor and earnings in relationships, and it’s important to keep that conversation going to make sure we’re on the right track and to see how our decisions might affect us.

      Reply Link
      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson July 19, 2013, 1:25 pm

        I kind of love talking about it too. I am fascinated by it. Specifically I love talking about how one situation is great for one couple and would never fly in another relationship. Why is this? I need to know.

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      • theattack

        theattack July 19, 2013, 1:27 pm

        haha, Maybe because the combinations of what we’re too lazy to do change with each relationship.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson July 19, 2013, 1:32 pm

        Agreed. It kind of gives credit to the thought that finding true-last-a-lifetime-love is really really hard. Humans are so dynamic, and although I do believe people can and do change certain things for a partner to make a relationship work, sometimes certain things can’t be changed.

        Okay semi related but also tangent-y. I am specifically fascinated by having witnessed certain people change in a relationship when their prior partner wanted them to do the same and they didn’t. What is it about a new relationship or new person that makes them finally willing to (insert X)? Do they just love the new person more? Are they more mature? Have they decided for themselves it is a flaw worth changing?

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      • theattack

        theattack July 19, 2013, 1:37 pm

        That is really interesting. And do people ever grow more willing to change because they feel more pressed for time as each relationship ends? Or do they genuinely want to change?

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      • avatar

        rachel July 19, 2013, 2:04 pm

        Yeah, it is interesting. And it definitely happened with my ex. I dunno, I think sometimes a big life change like a breakup sometimes inspires other changes.

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      • avatar

        SasLinna July 19, 2013, 3:48 pm

        It’s a combination of another person bringing out better sides in you and the will to make the next relationship work and make necessary adjustments for that to happen.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl July 19, 2013, 1:30 pm

        I think it’s interesting to talk about too. I think division of household chores is a fascinating subject. (And we have no money so I don’t have an opinion on that.)

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      • avatar

        A La Mode July 19, 2013, 1:33 pm

        “I just wish we could focus on how trends affect both partners regardless of gender.”

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl July 19, 2013, 1:38 pm

        IMO, you can’t disregard gender. It’s a fundamental part of a person. Just like race or age.

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay July 19, 2013, 1:55 pm

        Yeah, but I think part of the issue here is that attitudes on it are based on a history of one gender making more than the other, and the recent change in that. Especially because so many people have ideas in their heads of what sort of income a man or woman should have, which affects how they see it when their spouse makes more or less than them.

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      • avatar

        A La Mode July 19, 2013, 2:18 pm

        I just think that it is a catalyst for sexism. DW is a bit more enlightened than most communities, but as long as writers keep churning out crap about how high earning women are disadvantaged by lower-earning husbands etc etc, the majority will continue to operate on the (horribly oversimplified) idea that men are ATMs. I work in a business that has quite the large cross section of employees, and that sexist crap is how they all still see the world and dole out advice according to such when discussing each other’s relationship problems. It’s a bigger problem than I think people realize.

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  • avatar

    TECH July 19, 2013, 1:40 pm

    I loved the article about “How to Make Friends as a Grown Up”
    Sometimes it makes me feel like a complete loser that I’ve had trouble making friends as an adult. I work from home and have lost contact with friends from high school. All my college friends are out of state. I basically only have one good friend that still lives in my area and he’s so wrapped up in his new relationship that he has no time for me any more.
    I keep trying to remind myself that all it takes is one really good friend to open things up for you.
    I think part of the reason why it’s so hard to make friends is that people are so disconnected from people that live in their communities. I live in a suburban town that has very few “meeting places” (basically just the library and the beach and a coffee shop). It kills me that there are probably really cool people that only lives blocks from me, but I don’t know them because there just don’t seem to be places to meet them. I mean, what should I do, knock on their door and say hi?
    Even when it comes to dating, people do the online dating thing more often than “traditional dating” some times. We live in such a virtual world.
    More and more people are starting to work from home which makes them more isolated. Less people go to church or get involved in things that traditionally used to bring people together. It’s so hard to meet people!

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    • avatar

      GatorGirl July 19, 2013, 1:52 pm

      I agree it’s super hard to meet friends! I live in a weird college town in the middle of no where and fall in this no man’s land of over 22 but not yet having kids. I have yet to figure out how to make a female friend.

      I do think people would look at you like you had 6 heads if you said “You seem really cool! Let’s try to be friends!”

      Reply Link
      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson July 19, 2013, 2:18 pm

        I think the main thing is that girls get really – I don’t know – afraid of rejection when they’re older. But EVERYONE is scared of rejection, so I think it’s this circular problem. Maybe I just have no shame, but if I want to make a friend I just ask them to do something with me. Hey wanna get drinks Thursday? Done. Look how easy that was. It shouldn’t be this big pressure thing.

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      • avatar

        TECH July 19, 2013, 2:21 pm

        Yeah, I think that’s a really good point. I think it’s a confidence thing.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl July 19, 2013, 2:23 pm

        I don’t even get to the point of knowing someone well enough to know if I want to get a drink with them! I’ll usually have a nice, but not super in depth conversation with someone out on the Sunday Funday and it seems premature to plan a friend date that soon. You know?

        The people at my part time job, are all nice, but a lot are older (like 40+) or younger (like still in undergrad/under 21). My town has this weird age gap (about 23 to 32 or when ever you have a child) that is like no man’s land. It sucks.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson July 19, 2013, 2:28 pm

        See I think who cares if you don’t know them well enough if you want to get drinks with them. You’re making drinks into this big thing. It’s not. It’s a regular Tuesday booze day you know? So if you meet someone at a bar on Sunday, casually bring up a sweet restaurant that has awesome margs deals on Thursday and then be like hey you wanna go? Cool let me get your number. And if they bail on you – so what? I don’t really care that much about people’s opinions of me enough to care if they end up ditching. If they don’t go that’s a reflection of them not me. I’m fun. It’s not a date you know? You’re not deciding whether or not you want to stick anything anywhere. And I mean you’re a beer drinker – so you’d probably be drinking beer that day anyway – now you’re just doing it somewhere else with someone else.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl July 19, 2013, 2:32 pm

        I think I’m just painfully shy. I also have a hair of social anxiety disorder that I’m still working on getting over (which lead to massive panic attacks and medication about 6 years ago). So yeah, I’m just not that care free!

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      • avatar

        TECH July 19, 2013, 2:39 pm

        I’ve been shy my whole life too. People have always said things like, “Why are you so quiet?” or “You need to be more confident!” or “You need to put yourself out there more!” As if being quiet or shy is such a horrible thing.
        I think it’s a fine balance. It’s good to embrace the shy parts of yourself but also important to get out of your comfort zone and engage strangers in conversation when your instinct is probably not too. Ugh, it’s a struggle for me.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl July 19, 2013, 2:42 pm

        People always think I’m rude or snobby because I’m quiet at first, but it’s totally not true! (okay I might be a tiny bit snobby)

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle July 19, 2013, 2:46 pm

        Yeah, I’m definitely the quietest person in the room at first, & then I open up slowly. I’ve gotten comments like, “Oh, you’re actually REALLY COOL.” (Or, more often, these are filtered through my friend who introduces me to people: “Yeah, so-and-so wasn’t sure about you at first, but now they always ask me if you’re coming & they think you’re really cool.”) Thanks???

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle July 19, 2013, 2:49 pm

        Oh, & those with a tinge of social anxiety, do you find yourself more comfortable in situations where you know the set-up of everyone (do not know how to phrase that…) will be obvious? like, say, a restaurant where you know you’ll be…at a table? My pre-event social anxiety is much worse when the event is something like a house party, because I know everyone will be all spread out, & ohgod, I don’t know the setup of the house, & where am I going to put my body??

        (As a note, I’m usually fine in all situation ~once I’m there~. My anxiety is MOSTLY isolated to before whatever social thing is happening.)

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl July 19, 2013, 2:55 pm

        Yeah, knowing the physical layout helps a ton. If I don’t know where the bathroom is I will undoubtedly have to use it (in an emergency sort of way). Also when GGuy doesn’t introduce me. That ups my anxiety to no end. I know I can introduce myself, but in my mind it’s more polite for him to introduce me to his work associates.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle July 19, 2013, 3:05 pm

        Oh yeah, my boyfriend always had issues introducing his girlfriend (that sounds weird, but I witnessed many parts of his past relationship, including him never introducing his now-ex.) He brought it up in a complain-y way to me once, like “Oh, Ex always got mad when I didn’t introduce her” & I was like, “Yeah, she should have been mad, that was rude” (<—maybe I said it nicer, I don't remember)

        But anyway, he's better about it now—he'll make it a point to introduce me right away MOST of the time? If he forgets within those first few seconds though, it won't get done & I'm just standing there freaking out inside. (And yes, like you, I know I can introduce myself…but then I feel like that makes it obvious he forgot to introduce me, & I'm all tied up in knots. haha)

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 19, 2013, 2:39 pm

        Get there early and down a quick beer!

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl July 19, 2013, 2:40 pm

        Haha, sadly a beer doesn’t calm those nerves. I wish it did.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 19, 2013, 2:48 pm

        Wow, really? That always works for me!

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl July 19, 2013, 2:57 pm

        yeah, I’m a weird one. Oh well.

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      • katie

        katie July 19, 2013, 2:32 pm

        youve never been more sexy then right now.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson July 19, 2013, 2:35 pm

        I like the way you move.

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle July 19, 2013, 2:14 pm

      I loved that article, too. I really do try to reach out, but she was spot-on about the “let’s totally do a thing sometime…” “yeah, totallaayy” thing. Ugh.

      I met a girl from Girlfriend Social yesterday for lunch—she happens to work very close to me—& it was cool. Is anyone else having luck? (& remember, I live in a highly population dense area)

      There haven’t been any intense friend connections for me lately though (either over the site, or IRL). It’s sad & makes me miss my friends. I reached out to one of my close friends yesterday just to be like, “I miss you all the time, but sometimes I REALLY miss you & wish you were closer!!” & that’s nice to do, I think. Even if you don’t get a response right away (although she did respond), you know that your message is out there, & you’ve expressed yourself honestly, & your friend will PROBABLY remember that in a few weeks, & get in touch.

      Sorry I’m babbling. I think I have heatstroke.

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      • avatar

        TECH July 19, 2013, 2:18 pm

        That’s cool about the Girlfriend Social thing. Was it awkward? Did it feel like online dating or something? I would totally consider doing Girlfriend Social but I’m kind of shy by nature. Did it feel like a blind date?

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle July 19, 2013, 2:27 pm

        Yeah, I’m shy by nature too (or maybe not shy, just introverted? I dunno). It did feel a bit blind date-ish— like, we’d been texting each other just making conversation (“what are you up to this weekend?” “Oh cool” “How was your fourth of July?” “Sounds fun!”), & then we Facebooked each other (so I had a pretty good idea what she looked like, & vice-versa), & since we work so close, we decided to get grab lunch. (All this exposition, I’m just trying to outline the process. haha. Which I guess is a similar process to online dating?)

        Meeting in person had an element of strangeness, but the questions you ask each other are pretty basic (like, I met up with one other girl about a month ago & we ran down the same “list” basically). It’s like, “where do you live? How far?” Sometimes, “what roads did you take to get here?” And then it goes into, “Where do you work?” “where did you go to school?” & that leads into other stuff. If there’s a pause, you can always ask a random-ass question because it’s understood that it’s a first meeting & things are awkward. There’s also discussion about the process of finding friends through the site—which is different than online dating, I’d suppose? (i.e. you wouldn’t be all, “Omg you wouldn’t believe how many guys I’ve been talking to that never actually make plans! Guh!!” on a date, right? haha)

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      • avatar

        bethany July 19, 2013, 2:37 pm

        Still no luck on GF social. I’m going to keep trying!

        My problem is that most people I’m meeting around my age have kids, and just don’t have the time/energy for friends right now.

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    • avatar

      Kerrycontrary July 19, 2013, 2:20 pm

      I have trouble making friends too. I’ve really tried to nurture my friendships from afar this year. So even though the people I’m closest to are far away, our friendships have remained meaningful. And I’ve become ok with hanging out with people who may not be my close friend but they’re someone to hang out with.

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    • avatar

      SasLinna July 19, 2013, 2:56 pm

      Making friends should be approached similar to dating. I think an important factor is trying to gauge whether there the other person could be a good match for you instead of trying to randomly befriend everyone. And just was with dating, there can be too much too soon situations. It CAN be hard to make friends, lots of people aren’t looking for any, and as with a romantic partner, it’s only really worth it if you have a good connection. It’s mostly a numbers game I believe, and then making use of the opportunities you get. Like, you have a great conversation with someone – ask if they want to go for a drink. Another thing is learning to live with rejection. It’s probably not going to work out most of the time, but you can find a few good friends within a longer period of time.

      Reply Link
  • Miel

    Miel July 19, 2013, 2:33 pm

    The “sex on campus” article just made me feel sick. Some girls really think hookups is a way for them to build better resume on the long run ? I just think that’s sad. I feel like those girls should re-think what sex represents for them. If they just need the physical release, they could just buy a vibrator already. Or if they really want the physical and emotional connection that comes with a human partner, they could cut a bit on the four different social clubs, and actually date somebody they enjoy being with. This is not even about “I just went through a horrible break up and I’m not ready to date seriously”, this is just “drive-thru sex”, where you don’t even think it’s worth finding a parking spot before getting your fast food fix.

    Am I the only one who felt like my relationship gave me an additional motivation to perform well in school, organize my time efficiently and get my priorities straight ? My resume will look so much better (it already does) because I did things I would have not done without the emotional support of my boyfriend. My best friends would have not been there the way he was, and I would have not gotten all the scholarships/internships/grad school acceptance if it wasn’t for my relationship.

    And can I just say that the quote “If I’m sober, I’m working” is the saddest thing I’ve read today ? Really ? Girl, stop drinking so much, and stop working so much. Take a yoga class or something.

    Reply Link
    • iwannatalktosampson

      iwannatalktosampson July 19, 2013, 2:37 pm

      Sorry for partying.

      Reply Link
      • Miel

        Miel July 19, 2013, 2:45 pm

        Sorry if I sounded like I’m against partying. I’m not. I like to go out, I like to drink, and I like to dance in clubs. I guess I just like to party with my friends, not with strangers that are potential hookups. And I like to be sober with people when I first get in bed with them.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson July 19, 2013, 2:51 pm

        I just think it’s weird that you’re putting what you need onto others. Casual sex isn’t good for you – great! That doesn’t mean many, many people don’t go through a casual sex phase and don’t have a blast doing it. It sounds pretty – judgmental? – to say that THEIR time would be better spent going to yoga. Maybe they disagree and think yoga is stupid and would rather spend college acing orgasms. To each their own.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle July 19, 2013, 2:54 pm

        “college acing orgasms” —I read that as “spend college collecting orgasms” at first, hahaa

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      • avatar

        honeybeenicki July 19, 2013, 2:58 pm

        That’s cool, college students should collect all the orgasms they want. But how would you display this collection? You can’t really put them in a book like stamps (do people still collect stamps?)

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      • katie

        katie July 19, 2013, 3:01 pm

        i say that after the orgasm you have to create a visual representation of it on a 2X2 square a la instagram and then line them up in a frame or something. you can show off your collection, pointing out the especially good ones too, because they will be more visually something- complicated, colorful, sparkly, whatever.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow July 19, 2013, 3:17 pm

        It’s like Pokemon.

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      • avatar

        rachel July 19, 2013, 3:02 pm

        Maybe it’s more like a scavenger hunt?

        Collect one orgasm from:
        a frat guy
        a guy in a band
        someone with dreadlocks
        anyone while on illegal drugs
        etc…

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      • avatar

        honeybeenicki July 19, 2013, 3:16 pm

        And for bonus points it can be instead of just a guy in a band, a drummer, a bassist, etc. And extra for each member of the same band.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl July 19, 2013, 3:21 pm

        Hello what about athletes?! Do you get bonus points for banging dudes on 3 out of 4 of the major sports at your school? I should have gone for a baseball player to have all 4.

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      • avatar

        rachel July 19, 2013, 3:38 pm

        Oh clearly that should go on the list. That’s why I added an etc, I knew I was forgetting some obvious ones.

        Yes, I think you should get a bonus!

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl July 19, 2013, 3:49 pm

        What about someone from Rhode Island? That should be MEGA bonus points. (thinking back I didn’t actually sleep with him, dang!)

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      • avatar

        rachel July 19, 2013, 3:52 pm

        Well, I feel like the scavenger hunt list should be customized for each school. Because if you went to school in Rhode Island, well, that wouldn’t be much of a challenge now would it?

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      • katie

        katie July 19, 2013, 3:59 pm

        just curious- why rhode island? that seems so random to me. lol

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl July 19, 2013, 4:03 pm

        I went to school in NC and this guy is literally the only person I’ve ever met from Rhode Island. So it was a nifty idea at the time. Like sleeping with someone from a foreign country.

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      • katie

        katie July 19, 2013, 4:06 pm

        ohhh ok. haha i guess i know too many people from rhode island then. they arent very exotic to me..

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle July 19, 2013, 4:08 pm

        I slept with a guy from Tennessee once, & there was definitely some kind novelty in that? And one of my main dudes in college was originally from Connecticut. I think I had some vague notion of “doing” the 50 states but sadly never reached that goal, hahaha

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl July 19, 2013, 3:03 pm

        Like I said I didn’t read the whole article, but the first example was a person the woman knew well and repeatedly slept with…so not a stranger.

        Also, great, you don’t like casual intoxicated sex, good for you! I don’t like judgy mcjudgersons or yoga, good for me!

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    • avatar

      GatorGirl July 19, 2013, 2:39 pm

      I don’t have the patience to read that whole long article, but I can identify with them. I was drunk probably 70% of college, and while I had a bf for 2 (okay technically 3 but I cheated on him for a year because I’m a terrible person) I spent the other 2 years “bed hoping”. I had regular f-buddies who I would call late night when I wanted to get some. 99% of girls I knew in college acted the same way. If you didn’t you where a weird-o. I don’t think it was really “sad” per say, but misguided.

      I will say I could have coffee (or even a whole meal) with all of my hook up buddies and did interact with them socially regularly.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 19, 2013, 2:42 pm

        I think its only sad if they wanted real relationships.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl July 19, 2013, 2:44 pm

        I agree. I had no interest in real relationships. I enjoyed my casual sex phase.

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      • avatar

        bethany July 19, 2013, 2:54 pm

        Yes. I’m like GG. I hooked up all through college, and it was awesome. I didn’t really want a boyfriend. I didn’t want to talk to these guys sober or when it was light outside. It was my choice to behave the way I wanted to, so why should it be a problem to anyone else?

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest July 19, 2013, 2:42 pm

      Eh, if someone wants to have drive thru sex because they like sex without strings, who am I to judge? Knock yourself out.
      I didn’t date while in school, but honestly, my boyfriend has played no role in my career other than listen to me bitch without giving feedback. I like it that way. Gives me independence.

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    • katie

      katie July 19, 2013, 2:52 pm

      yes, those damn slutty sluts and their want for sex, all the while making the decision that a relationship isnt the number one priority and the goal of life.

      the horror.

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      • avatar

        Eagle Eye July 19, 2013, 2:58 pm

        Yeah, I couldn’t actually get through the article because of it…

        I did not go to UPen, but I have some close friends/ family who did, and like, these completely intense women who go there will be running the world (or at least Goldman Sachs/ the World Bank) some day…so, like, meh about their personal lives?

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      • avatar

        rachel July 19, 2013, 2:58 pm

        Imagine, paying tens of thousands of dollars to go to college, and wanting to spend your time working on your education instead of your MRS degree!

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle July 19, 2013, 2:53 pm

      I’m more annoyed with the article as a whole? I feel like I’ve seen ten different versions of “ladies be hooking up!!!” articles—that all seem to toy with the same conclusion (“maybe ladies can’t actually have casual sex without thinking of themselves as whores/ruining themselves for their future marriage/becoming sad”)

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      • avatar

        honeybeenicki July 19, 2013, 3:06 pm

        As far as the article goes, I only made it a few pages in before I saw this line:
        “They have gotten such strong, vitriolic messages from the extreme feminists saying, ‘Go it alone — you don’t need a man,’

        And – I’m gonna be honest – I had to look up the meaning of the word “vitriolic” and started to get pissy because fuck that. I know I don’t need a damn man. I was raised – not by a group of feminists, but by my mom – to believe I CAN go it alone and I DON’T need a man and that if casual sex is what I wanted instead of strapping myself into a relationship I didn’t want just to be able to have sex then that was ok. Why should I have to have a boyfriend?
        And as far as the whole stop working so much and take yoga – some of us didn’t have that option. I was in school on an academic scholarship so I had to work my ass off as far as classes went. And I was broke as hell so I also worked a full time job. It’s not like I had a choice.

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        lets_be_honest July 19, 2013, 3:08 pm

        What are you saying Honey? Every woman needs a man! That was the first thing I said to my daughter when we has The Talk. I’d expect more from you.

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        honeybeenicki July 19, 2013, 3:19 pm

        I know, I’m sorry. Next time I talk to the kids I’ll make sure they know what’s what. I think I may have given them the wrong impression already. I hope it’s not too late to fix it.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 19, 2013, 3:33 pm

        Lead by example. Make sure you shower your husband with thanks for allowing you to live. Ask permission to leave the house. Never, and I mean never, wear pants, literally or figuratively. That should undo at least some of the damage you’ve done. I’ll pray it will.

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      • avatar

        honeybeenicki July 19, 2013, 4:10 pm

        So, should I buy skirts and dresses or can I just go completely pantsless? And we’ll probably have to tell them that dad was wrong when he said “Happy wife, happy life” and they know I deal with the money/budget so we’ll have to fix that too. So much to undo! I should make a list.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 19, 2013, 4:21 pm

        The only time you should be happy is if you’ve sufficiently pleased your husband for the day and he says he is happy. If you haven’t done that today, get off this website now!

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      • avatar

        SasLinna July 19, 2013, 3:14 pm

        Saying that you don’t need a man is “vitriolic”? Dear lord.

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        painted_lady July 20, 2013, 12:47 am

        YES. And never – seriously, never – do these articles go, wait, why? There’s this implication of “bitchez be crazy and havin emotions” and chalking it up to something inherent in being female that gives us a sad. At no point does anyone stop to think, “Oh, maybe it’s that idea that women shouldn’t have casual sex” – huh, the EXACT SAME SENSIBILITY that prompted the writing of this article, WEIRD – “that creates our sense of ‘something’s wrong here’ and then their eventual sense of shame and need to atone or change or god knows what.”

        I remember the moment I finally realized my very sweet rebound FWB and I should never date. He was my go-to guy for sex after a breakup, and we ALWAYS tried to date, and it NEVER took because, to be honest, I love him and I’m grateful for him setting me back on my feet, metaphorically speaking, after three separate breakups, but he was very irritating and we couldn’t even be friends. And it was so freeing to tell him, hey, howzabout we just have lost of sex and maybe some wine after and then go our separate ways? And he seemed so relieved that he didn’t have to go through the motions, which I knew he was doing and kind of made me feel like a whore. And no, I was never sad, and I was able to go on and have a very successful relationship. But the sooner we stop treating girls who choose to have a lot of sex, whether under the influence of alcohol or not, like circus freaks worthy of sensational articles, the sooner anyone will quit thinking of them that way.

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      rachel July 19, 2013, 2:56 pm

      Yeah, I dunno, I had a boyfriend in college but he was wrong for me, and I kind of wish I had been having casual sex instead. What works for you works for you, why be “sick” over girls who like casual sex?

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    • Lindsay

      Lindsay July 19, 2013, 3:08 pm

      “I feel like those girls should re-think what sex represents for them. ”

      Just because they see sex differently than you doesn’t mean they need to rethink it. It’s very short-sighted to think that your view of sex is the only valid one.

      And as for motivation, I didn’t have a boyfriend, but managed to turn in assignments on time and prioritize my commitments. I’m sure my friends with boyfriends did the same, but having a relationship certainly took up quite a bit of their time.

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        SasLinna July 19, 2013, 3:15 pm

        Exactly. Sometimes sex represents…sex. Doesn’t require much thinking, much less re-.

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay July 19, 2013, 3:27 pm

        And also, the idea that vibrator or long-term relationship are the only choices ignores the fact that there’s more to sex than simply having an orgasm. There are tactile things to enjoy during sex that you can’t get from a vibrator.

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        SasLinna July 19, 2013, 3:41 pm

        Not just tactile things I will say.

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    • CatsMeow

      CatsMeow July 19, 2013, 3:19 pm

      I will never understand why anyone else cares about other peoples’ sexual preferences or practices. As long as you’re not hurting anyone, go for it!

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow July 19, 2013, 3:20 pm

        I mean, unless you want to be hurt. Maybe I meant harm? Haha.

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        honeybeenicki July 19, 2013, 3:20 pm

        Or as long as the hurting is consensual 😉

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        GatorGirl July 19, 2013, 3:25 pm

        Infringing? As long as you’re not infringing on anyone else, go for it?

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow July 19, 2013, 3:41 pm

        That works too!

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    • Miel

      Miel July 19, 2013, 3:29 pm

      Well, I guess I’ve been shown my opinion wasn’t the majority’s one.

      I agree with you, women shouldn’t be judged by how many men they sleep with, or how they want to live their sex life, I should have thought about my words a bit longer than I did.

      I guess my initial shock is really because of the college setting. My college didn’t have residence nor greek life. We are have a fair amount of student (30,000 undergrad), we just don’t have the same campus culture I guess. I was going to uni in the morning to study, and I was coming back at my place at night, so did pretty much everyone else. The semester was made to study, and vacations were made to party, not both at the same time like what was depicted in the article.

      I really don’t want people to think I’m judging their life choice, although I agree my initial words were going in that direction. I just never encounter those behaviors throughout my college experience.

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      • katie

        katie July 19, 2013, 3:41 pm

        do you think it could be cultural as well? i know your from canada- and i just always assume that everyone else except for america values having a work/life balance.

        nowadays the concept of perfection related to how you become successful in america is crazy. you not only have to have great grades- you have to have perfect grades and be ranked in the top 10. and you cant just have perfect grades- you have to have volunteer hours. and you have to not only be in clubs, but you have to RUN the clubs. ect, ect, ect. its crazy. the time commitment is insane.

        does that happen in canada? is there a similar or even comparable need and definition for perfection?

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      • Miel

        Miel July 19, 2013, 3:50 pm

        At least in Quebec, yes it is extremely different. Nobody cares about which university you go to. To get into college you just need to not fail class in high school. Nobody needs volunteering, leadership in the community or things like that, except if you want scholarships. Scholarships are not essentials because education is very affordable. And if won’t really change your job prospect or grad school acceptance. Except if you want the Rhodes scholarship or something like that…

        And if you have your bachelor degree, no matter the GPA, no matter the university, you’ll probably find a job.

        We do work hard on academics to get through classes, but that’s because professors like to challenge us, not because grades are important.

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      • katie

        katie July 19, 2013, 3:57 pm

        see, i think thats a huge part of it too. because women at these big, high power universities are only concerned with coming out with a good resume- and rightly so, because like i said, if you dont, success is hard to attain. giving time to a relationship -and that probably goes for any relationship, familial, friend, romantic- has to take a back seat. typical, stupid americans, right? lol

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      • avatar

        AliceInDairyland July 19, 2013, 4:39 pm

        That sounds awesome. My college experience would have been so different in Canada I think. Undergrad and those insane pressures (filling a resume, GPA, paying intense tuition) turned me into a nervous, hollow wreck of a human being that I wouldn’t wish on anyone else.

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    AliceInDairyland July 19, 2013, 4:37 pm

    Ooh that women-casual sex article got to me a little bit. I did end up reading through the whole thing, and I think they are missing out on the bigger picture of college and life and being a woman during this time is really all about. I have to pull out this excerpt from the book Starving Daughters, Perfect Girls because I could feel a lot of the struggle in this article. Here it goes, makes me cry every time…

    “These perfect girls still feel we could always lose five more pounds. We get into good colleges but are angry if we don’t get into every college we applied to… We win scholarships galore, science fairs and knowledge bowls, spelling bees and mock trail debates. We are the girls with anxiety disorders, filled appointment books, five-year plans.

    We take ourselves very, very seriously. We are the peacemakers, the do-gooders, the givers, the savers. We are on time, overly prepared, well read, witty, intellectually curious, always moving. We are living contradictions.

    We pride ourselves on getting as little sleep as possible and thrive on self-deprivation. We drink coffee, a lot of it. We are on birth control, Prozac, and multivitamins. We do strip aerobics, hot yoga, go five more minutes than the limit on any exercise machine at the gym.

    We are relentless, judgmental with ourselves, and forgiving to others. We never want to be as passive-agressive as our mothers, never want to marry men as uninspired as our fathers. We carry the old world of guilt- center of families, keeper of relationships, caretaker of friends – with the new world of control/ambition – rich, independent, powerful. We are the daughters of feminists who said “You can be anything” and we heard “You have to be everything.”

    We must get A’s. We must make money. We must save the world. We must be thin. We must be unflappable. We must be beautiful. We must be perfect. We must make it look effortless. We grow hungrier and hungrier with no clue what we are hungry for. The holes inside of us grow bigger and bigger.”

    I am NOT saying that casual sex is bad, but the article is pointing out that many women who may want a relationship don’t have time for one because we are all running, SPRINTING after perfection and we don’t let anything get in the way. Especially something like a relationship which forces us to be honest, intimate, and vulnerable. I think casual sex is awesome and a great fit for many people, but for some of the women interviewed I feel like I could almost touch the fear that hid just under the insane perfection.

    And it makes me so sad that we feel like if something won’t show up on a resume then it isn’t worth pursuing. And that it isn’t worthwhile, or important. Okay that was long…

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    • katie

      katie July 19, 2013, 4:47 pm

      brain twins, alice. i thought the exact same things.

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        AliceInDairyland July 19, 2013, 4:57 pm

        I want to hug all the perfect girls. I want to tell them that they are going to be great no matter what. I want to tell them that they can be happy. I want to tell them that there are other options besides sober and working. I want to tell them that they don’t have to give blow jobs as an appeasement gesture when they sober up and don’t want to have sex.

        On that last part… Did anyone do that in college? It is mentioned in the article, and I have found it is incredibly common among my classmates from undergrad.

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    • Lindsay

      Lindsay July 20, 2013, 3:31 pm

      I agree with you about all that. But I guess I was slightly skeptical of the article because I’ve never known anyone who specifically had casual sex for that reason. Like a lot of the really type A, high-achieving women I knew in college had long-term boyfriends (which sort of rounded off their “perfect” persona). Or if they didn’t, they consider getting a boyfriend the last piece to their puzzle and would have seen the casual sex thing as being the opposite. I guess the article just rubbed me the wrong way because I felt like it was another person trying to come up with a more politically correct way of saying that casual sex is detrimental to women and that their reasons for doing it are sad and misguided. Though I wonder if maybe I just didn’t go to a prestigious enough university or hang out with as successful people and that’s why I’ve never seen this phenomenon? Or maybe because it was the South, so some people were more conservative sexually?

      Anyway, I do agree with you about the pressures of college, where you have to make time to get perfect grades and also do tons of extracurriculars (but somehow not taking away from your study time).

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