Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Friday Links, June 7

Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

“BDSM Correlated With Better Mental Health, Says Study” [via HuffPo]

Woah. “The proposal that ended a friendship” Jeff and I thought we’d found the perfect couple friends — until one of them made an offer that changed everything [via Salon]

“All Over but the Lease” A strange thing can happen to young couples in New York City. Just when it seems everything is going according to plan, they move in together. [via NYTimes]

“The 3 Biggest Myths About Marriage Today” [via The Atlantic]

“Court Says Some Morning-After Pills Must Be Available OTC Now” [via NPR.org]

“Online daters are ‘more likely to end up in a happy marriage’ than those who meet through traditional methods” [via Daily Mail]

“The truth about female desire: It’s base, animalistic and ravenous” [via Salon]

“Street Harassment: Two Can Play at This Game!” [via The Stranger]

An oldie but goodie: “A Letter to Men From Christina Hendricks” [via Esquire]

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to wendy@dearwendy.com and if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

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55 comments… add one
  • Fabelle

    Fabelle June 7, 2013, 2:16 pm

    Okay, the “proposal that ended a friendship” one—yeah, I can see how that’d be odd (& dealing with my own open group of friends, & open, adventurous past— while now being in a monogamous relationship— I can relate to a degree) BUT, did anyone else think they made a really big deal out of it? Or is my perception screwed? I read it & was kinda like, “Oh, calm down, he didn’t ask ~to~ jerk off your husband, he only said ‘with’!” I also think she read a bit too far into it— like who says he was necessarily ~attracted to~ her husband? maybe he’s just into jerking off with a buddy while watching porn? (Again, yes, I would think it was super weird if my boyfriend got a request like this. But I doubt we’d cut the person out of our lives?)

    On an unrelated note, I came here right after lunch, saw and UPDATED on the deleted thread, but when I logged in, it was gone 🙁 I must’ve timed it exactly wrong.

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    • iwannatalktosampson

      iwannatalktosampson June 7, 2013, 2:20 pm

      No I read it and was like ummmmm do you know he wasn’t joking? I mean everyone’s heard of circle jerks right? Is that not a thing anymore?

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    • avatar

      Em June 7, 2013, 2:21 pm

      No, I thought they blew it completely out of proportion, too. I mean, really? You’re going to give up your ONLY friends over something like that? And you’re going to assume not only that it’s a gay thing, but that his wife would be upset about it?

      Jeeze, people these days.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle June 7, 2013, 2:37 pm

        Exactly!

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    • avatar

      bethany June 7, 2013, 2:29 pm

      The exact same thing happened to me! (with the Deleted Thread- not a jacking off friend!)

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    • Lindsay

      Lindsay June 7, 2013, 2:29 pm

      Yeah, I found it strange that they just decided immediately to stop being friends. It’s not like the husband told him he wasn’t interested and the guy kept asking. Though I guess the fact that they’d all know but his wife would be a little weird…

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    • avatar

      kerrycontrary June 7, 2013, 2:32 pm

      I think I’d just be really weirded out. I wouldn’t be like “oh crap we can’t be friends anymore”, but I would think it would be hard to keep a secret from his wife like that. And it would always be some sort of weird elephant in the room.

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    • avatar

      GatorGirl June 7, 2013, 2:48 pm

      I would leave the final decision up to GatorGuy, but I would be 110% sketched out and put off by a male friend asking to masturbate with him. What? Honestly I would probably end a friendship over it.

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    • avatar

      honeybeenicki June 7, 2013, 2:48 pm

      I thought the same thing while reading that. While it would be a little weird, I don’t see why husband couldn’t just decline and they could move on with their friendship. It didn’t have to be a game changer. Especially since it seems like she’s the one that made the huge deal out of it, not her husband.

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    • katie

      katie June 7, 2013, 3:18 pm

      yea i have all sorts of problems with that after reading it… first off, shes a little crazy/insecure or something- she says she would freak out when he would come home after being out with his friends, wondering if he was cheating on her. thats not normal. also, she says that dana’s “excitement” in life was marrying a bisexual man who could “end up playing for the other team at any moment”. i find that super condescending. i dont like this girl. its kind of understandable that she has no friends, almost? she sounds terrible..

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      • taurons

        atlimbo June 7, 2013, 3:23 pm

        With you on all of this.

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      • Cara

        Cara June 7, 2013, 4:01 pm

        Yeah she seems super weird. Some other things bothered me too, like, oh woe is me, I can only be friends with other DINKs, because everybody else is just sooo different. And this whole fixation on each other, like, you really can’t even find, say, a yoga class that has SOME people you can hang out with?

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      • katie

        katie June 7, 2013, 4:05 pm

        yea. im pretty sure some guy wanting a circle jerk with her husband is least of her problems…

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay June 7, 2013, 4:11 pm

        Yeah, I get the impression that she didn’t try very hard to make friends or no one actually wanted to be friends with her. It’s just very unlikely that ALL the unmarried couples and singles she met were SO obnoxious. What was her sample size, like two?

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      • avatar

        Matcha June 7, 2013, 5:54 pm

        Yeah, I’m coupled up and most of my friends are single. We have couple friends too. But her complaining–talking about ex-boyfriends comes with the territory of dating. It’s called being a good friend.

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    • avatar

      CG June 7, 2013, 2:42 pm

      I wish the author would have provided some follow-up about Dana. Like did she keep calling/texting about getting together for a while? I just feel like if she never tried to get in touch after August’s proposition, she had to know what happened, right? So I wish the author would have clarified that.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle June 7, 2013, 2:50 pm

        I wonder about that, too. Very weird, inconclusive ending.

        (Also, on another point, why did she give them both completely gender-less names? I was super confused at first, haha.)

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    • taurons

      atlimbo June 7, 2013, 3:22 pm

      I’d have to agree. Also, I found the whole last bit very anti-bisexual (as in, Dana married a bisexual man – which August had never claimed to be, and self-identity is what matters – to give herself drama and danger? And just because the writer assumes he’s bisexual, she also assumes he’s a philandering deviant?). UGH. If the rest of the piece hadn’t already put me off, that one line would have been enough to do it.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle June 7, 2013, 3:54 pm

        Oh wow, I didn’t even see that line. WTF.

        Also, yeah, the entire thing had a really off tone. From the initial, “does his wife know what he’s doing ~behind her back~??” to the “I wish I could just close my eyes & forget all this.” Very much overreacting. And I found it weird that she doesn’t address male masturbating at all, just skips straight to “he came onto my husband.” Like her whole attitude was, “nice try, but I know you were hitting on my husband!” I’m glad others agree!

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark June 7, 2013, 8:47 pm

      It was so much fucking drama… No wonder these people have no fucking friends. Honestly, if you are that age in LA of all places and have ZERO friends something is seriously up with you. Oh, the horror… Oh, how tragic! Who will we buy vintage dishes with now?!

      God Good. Shut the fuck up, already.

      It’s NOT that hard to make friends when you live in one of THE hippest places in all of Los Angeles. Honestly, this whole story just sounded fucking made up to me… Like somebody something dreamed up on the fly as they were desperate to get published…

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  • avatar

    GatorGirl June 7, 2013, 2:39 pm

    I have to say it’s really nice to read something that is positive about marriage. In the months leading up to our wedding so many people “joked” that we shouldn’t get married and our lives are over blah blah blah. It was such a freaking debby downer.

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    • avatar

      kerrycontrary June 7, 2013, 2:43 pm

      I hate when people do that! It’s like if they are so unhappy in their marriage then why are they still married?

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      • avatar

        bethany June 7, 2013, 2:47 pm

        Exactly. Just because you’re unhappy (general you, not YOU, you), doesn’t mean that I will be!
        True, I’ve only been married for a year and a half, but it’s been pretty rad so far. I have to say though, my coworkers (all guys) always seem jealous that my husband is “allowed” to do whatever he wants. It makes me feel sad for them, that their wives seem to keep them on a leash/tell them what they can and can’t do.

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        rachel June 7, 2013, 2:48 pm

        A friend from college posted the other day about how he’s sad to hear guys joking about how his wife must run the house, and let him do things, and whatever. And how glad he is that his wife is a partner.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl June 7, 2013, 2:50 pm

        Yeah, most of the people who have said the negative stuff are men, usually patrons at the bar GatorGuy works at. They all seem to have such terribly negative views. One comment he’s gotten a bunch is “Well kiss watching every NFL game goodbye!” and I’m like hell no, I’ll be at the bar yelling at the tv louder then him!

        It’s one thing to say marriage is hard work, because I fully believe it is, but all the negativity makes me fume.

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      • katie

        katie June 7, 2013, 3:02 pm

        just another positive thing that could come out of doing away with traditional gender roles!

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle June 7, 2013, 3:10 pm

        Speaking of doing away with traditional gender roles…

        <– I read this the other day!

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        GatorGirl June 7, 2013, 3:22 pm

        While I like this overall, it’s a little windy. And the Quaker comments aren’t 100% on point but that’s no big deal.

        We walked into our ceremony together. And he saw me in my dress like 8 months before the wedding. He was just as involved in the creative wedding crap as I was in say the booze selection. There did come a point in the days leading up to the wedding when people kept asking me f-ing questions. I swear I was asked 450 questions in 3 days. I wanted to EXPLODE. I started just tell them to ask GatorGuy or my mom or my cat. I could have cared less at that point.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle June 7, 2013, 3:39 pm

        Yeah, I was on-board with a lot of it—or at least the message/idea behind it—but some of it was too much…in the other direction? Like, too non-traditional for the sake of it? I agree with most of it, but, for example, I’m totally going to wear white. because I like white, haha.

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      • avatar

        bethany June 7, 2013, 3:40 pm

        My husband was oddly opinionated about our wedding. Maybe because he’s a wedding photographer and has been to so many of them? He picked the cake, he vetoed the first colors I picked, he picked the photographer, he designed the Save the Dates. All the other decisions we made jointly (except for my dress and the BM dresses).

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl June 7, 2013, 3:44 pm

        Does he have a “traditional” day job too? Just out of curiosity. GatorGuy had super strong opinions on some things too, which I thought was interesting. Like music and wording of the invitations.

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        bethany June 7, 2013, 3:49 pm

        At the moment he does (eventual goal is to just do photography). At his “real job” he’s the art director of a small business, so he does creative stuff there, too.

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary June 7, 2013, 3:17 pm

        That’s such a bizarre thing to say. I know a lot of women who watch football, or if they don’t they don’t care if their husband does while they do something else.

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        GatorGirl June 7, 2013, 3:25 pm

        We are in the deep South and a lot of his patrons are Bible Belt construction works who are staying at the hotel bar, so that probably skews it a little, but it really was getting old.

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      • avatar

        spark June 8, 2013, 9:26 am

        I thought you lived in Gainesville?

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      • avatar

        Christy June 7, 2013, 5:03 pm

        You know, I love football, and I can imagine a world wherein I would get sick of my spouse watching football. Mostly because it would mean I was in charge of getting ALL the weekend work done all fall.

        But eh, I’m surviving the Stanley Cup playoffs, I’ll survive anything.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl June 8, 2013, 10:32 am

        We pretty much just ignor weekend tasks in the fall, haha. We do make a point to work together to get things done so we can both relax and watch our games. I can see how in some relationships a rift could happen if there wasn’t teamwork and communication.

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      • Astronomer

        Astronomer June 7, 2013, 3:10 pm

        I think my husband got the wrong idea from his friends about how our power dynamic was supposed to be. He was the last in his group to get married, and it does seem like all his friends have a wife=boss thing happening in their marriages. But I get super-weirded out when he asks ME if he can go to bed early or watch a basketball game or have a second beer. Like it’s supposed to be up to me or something? Last night I kind of snapped at him, “You’re a grown-ass man. When do YOU want to go to bed?” I wish he’d get out of the habit. It’s embarrassing when he asks those kinds of questions in front of other people.

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay June 7, 2013, 3:14 pm

        Haha, I know that’s probably annoying, but it’s kind of funny.

        My friend and her husband have this interesting dynamic where he does almost all the cooking and most of the chores, so when he goes out of town, she’s worried about how she’s going to feed herself. I don’t think she realizes that not all couples are like this because she keeps telling me I need a husband so that I don’t have to cook anymore.

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      • avatar

        bethany June 7, 2013, 3:45 pm

        I wish my husband cooked!!
        Well, he used to cook, but having chicken, mashed potatoes and mac and cheese for dinner every night didn’t appeal to me.

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      • avatar

        Christy June 7, 2013, 5:04 pm

        Mashed potatoes AND mac and cheese? You’re a lucky girl.

        Seriously, I’d eat that half the time.

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      • Astronomer

        Astronomer June 7, 2013, 5:05 pm

        Oh, man. That sounds like the worst problem ever. NOT. 🙂

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  • katie

    katie June 7, 2013, 3:06 pm

    BDSM-inclined people have better mental health? that is awesome. and it actually makes a whole lot of sense, it goes along the same parallels as that gay marriage article we had last week- when you do things out of the mainstream you have to actually think things through, be aware of feelings (your own and other peoples), examine your motivations, needs, ect, and that leads to better overall mental health and happiness, i think.

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    • avatar

      GatorGirl June 7, 2013, 3:12 pm

      It makes total sense if you think about it. But my question is…How are they defining BDSM? I’m sure there was a link in the article that explained but I guess when ever I hear “BDSM” my mind always goes to the extreme examples (like that one club on SVU) and I wonder maybe if some respondents did or didn’t reply a certain way because they didn’t think what they did qualifies? Like does it have to be pleather and the fancy studded whips or what about just grabbing a regular belt from the closet for a restraint? You know? I wouldn’t classify the later as BDSM but maybe someone who is having for real Vanilla sex would? hmmm.

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      • katie

        katie June 7, 2013, 3:34 pm

        thats a good question. i guess i assume it would have to be people who self identify, and for both BDSM and vanilla. i mean theoretically they could have gone to a BDSM convention or something, but you cant do that for vanillas (or are there vanilla conventions too? haha)…

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        GatorGirl June 7, 2013, 3:42 pm

        IDK about Vanilla conventions, what would they need to convene about? How to be MORE boring? Haha.

        So I would never identify with BDSM, but we definitely don’t have vanilla sex either. There can dominating days, restraints, roughing each other up to the point of an occasional bruise. I feel like that’s such a middle ground, so to speak, but we have to take into account the things you list (think things through, be aware of feelings (your own and other peoples), examine your motivations, needs, ect). Anyways, it’s an interesting theory.

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      • katie

        katie June 7, 2013, 5:00 pm

        haha, we need an inbetween. BDSM-ism. like monogamish.

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        Christy June 7, 2013, 3:42 pm

        I totally think it’s self-identification. And I agree with what katie said–BDSM has to be very deliberate.

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay June 7, 2013, 4:13 pm

        Definitely. More vanilla couples might try stuff out once in a while, but unless they do it a lot, then they probably wouldn’t identify that way.

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        EB June 7, 2013, 4:31 pm

        How I would define BDSM, is if the sex you are having requires a safe word 😉

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      • avatar

        Christy June 7, 2013, 5:06 pm

        interesting! I wouldn’t, only because BDSM doesn’t have to include consent play. Like, your partner can hit you with a flogger and stop when you say “stop” or “don’t”, and it’s still BDSM.

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      • avatar

        lemongrass June 7, 2013, 8:13 pm

        My marriage has a safe word. Ha!

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark June 7, 2013, 8:49 pm

      That said, I dabble in that and I’m a fucking mess… 😉

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  • theattack

    theattack June 7, 2013, 4:58 pm

    Whenever I go to DW it shows a Weekend Open Thread, but when I log in it disappears.

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    • theattack

      theattack June 7, 2013, 5:00 pm

      Just kidding, now I see it

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