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Friday Links: May 11

Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

From the Belfast Telegraph: “How many sexual partners should a woman have had?”

From The Hairpin, an essay about early female bonds: “Girls I Have Loved for One Moment”

From Daily Mail: “Weddings are destroying marriages”

From MSNBC: “Oversharing on Facebook as satisfying as sex?”

From the New York Times: “‘What Were You Thinking?’ For Couples, New Source of Online Friction”

From the Gloss: “Online Dating Tips From Professionals and Happy People”

From CNN.com: “5 ways to feel less powerless”

From Yahoo Shine: “Don’t Even Think About Divorcing Until”

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to wendy@dearwendy.com and if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

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Comments on this entry are closed.

avatar lets_be_honest May 11, 2012, 1:55 pm

On the first article, I’m surprised the average is 4.7 actually. Not surprised the men’s number is higher than women’s though.

avatar rachel May 11, 2012, 2:15 pm

Did you think it would be higher or lower? Just curious. I actually had no idea what it might be.

avatar lets_be_honest May 11, 2012, 2:27 pm

I thought it’d be higher.

CatsMeow CatsMeow May 11, 2012, 2:19 pm

Umm, yeah…. I’m feeling a little bad about my “number” right now? I thought it would be higher for both the men and the women. Among my friends, it’s higher.

avatar rachel May 11, 2012, 2:22 pm

Mine is higher. And actually, among my friends I’m pretty sure the women are more likely to have significantly higher numbers than the men.

avatar rachel May 11, 2012, 2:23 pm

And I don’t feel bad about my number, though I maybe wouldn’t mind if a couple of them hadn’t happened for other reasons.

avatar bethany May 11, 2012, 2:35 pm

Same here!

CatsMeow CatsMeow May 11, 2012, 2:38 pm

Yeah, I guess I shouldn’t feel “bad” about it. I’m not uncomfortable with anything I’ve done, and I’ve never been pregnant or had an STD, so that’s a plus. I’m just kinda like….really? 4.7?? Lifetime?! I’m single and 30. I’ve been sexually active for 12 years. I will say that I “average” less than one partner per year. But yeah. I’m higher than 4.7 for sure.

avatar rachel May 11, 2012, 2:44 pm

See, that confused me though. I don’t know if it’s lifetime. At the bottom it said that they had surveyed people 25-34 years old.

avatar GatorGirl May 11, 2012, 2:26 pm

I was surprized it was only 4.7- I know my number is higher. I’m also surpized the guy number was only 9.3 or what ever- every guy I know my age is higher than that.

I don’t really feel “bad” per say about mine, but I wish I would have taken the advice of adults in my life and been more selective about who I slept with. But it is what it is.

avatar lets_be_honest May 11, 2012, 2:29 pm

My number is by far the lowest of my girlfriends (I’m @ 4 now, though I don’t really count one of them, so in my head its 3). So much so that when I ended up pregnant, no one could believe I was the one out of the group that it happened to. Only takes one time kids ;)

avatar lets_be_honest May 11, 2012, 2:32 pm

Just to clarify, I got pregnant by the 2nd guy I’d ever slept with, and I only had slept with him once! Cra-zy.

JK JK May 11, 2012, 5:37 pm

I got pregnant by the 2nd guy I ever slept with, as well. But I´m married to him.
Yep, my number is 2.

avatar Addie Pray May 11, 2012, 6:13 pm

You’re a slut ball!

avatar lets_be_honest May 11, 2012, 8:40 pm

:)

avatar bethany May 11, 2012, 2:35 pm

It’s a LOT higher among my friends, too.

Personally, I feel like the number is completely irrelevent- Why shoudl it even matter?

Leroy Leroy May 11, 2012, 7:53 pm

you should think of yourself as above average!

Fabelle Fabelle May 11, 2012, 3:16 pm

Yeah, among my circle the number is much higher. And CatsMeow, I feel you!! (even though I know there’s no reason to feel bad)

avatar Addie Pray May 11, 2012, 2:39 pm

I haven’t read the link… but 4.7 can’t be right! I mean, like, there’s no way. Did they include nuns and little kids in the survey? Because ok, that’ll bring the number down.

avatar lets_be_honest May 11, 2012, 2:44 pm

Good call, lol.

avatar Anna May 11, 2012, 3:01 pm

They probably included people like me, who require love before sex and therefore have very low numbers. I’m 28 and my number is….ready for this?…you’ll be shocked…2. Yep. 2. Technically it was 3 but I don’t count the first one because I didn’t consent, it was basically sexual assault. So I only count the 2 that I chose to sleep with.

avatar Addie Pray May 11, 2012, 3:05 pm

Hey, I loved all 23 partners. The deep, passionate kind of love, real intimacy.

Wait, no.

Btw, I just reached up and pulled 23 out of the air. Ahem.

avatar Addie Pray May 11, 2012, 3:09 pm

I said it for shock value so everyone stop judging me and shut the hell up! I can’t hear you. Bla bla bla bla blahhhh. Yea, so what. I’m 33. You know what, this is personal and I don’t want to talk about it.

avatar lets_be_honest May 11, 2012, 3:12 pm

Duh, we’d all get yelled at for slut shaming, so we can’t say anything. Side note – I think that’s bs. Call a spade a spade. If you are slutty, don’t be ashamed and if you are ashamed, don’t be a slut.
Peese to yell at me now.

avatar lets_be_honest May 11, 2012, 3:12 pm

*don’t
don’t yell at me now.

avatar Addie Pray May 11, 2012, 3:19 pm

I want to tattoo that on my lower back!

CatsMeow CatsMeow May 11, 2012, 3:55 pm

Well, it’s just that “slutty” is so subjective. I mean, how do you define it?

avatar lets_be_honest May 11, 2012, 4:06 pm

Well, for example, I find Addie’s above comment to be very slutty, but seriously, look at who we’re talking about here, ya know ;)

No, you’re right. There is no real definition.

avatar Addie Pray May 11, 2012, 4:10 pm

You’re sick, sick, sick if you interpreted “a slice of pizza wrapped around a chicken finger dipped in ranch dressing” as slutty! Oh, the other comment. Yes, very slutty.

avatar Anna May 11, 2012, 3:20 pm

No one’s judging anyone here. In today’s society, I am probably considered a prude because I have no desire to meet random people at bars and take them home that night. I know a LOT of people who do that at least twice a week.

avatar rachel May 11, 2012, 3:53 pm

The couple of one night stands I’ve had, the sex was pretty awful anyway.

CatsMeow CatsMeow May 11, 2012, 5:15 pm

Meh. I’ve never had sex with someone I *just* met, but yes, I’ve had “casual” sex. It doesn’t have to be some “rando” (do people say “rando”?).

avatar convexed May 14, 2012, 1:29 pm

Yeah. My sister and I are both early to mid 20s (in age). She’s a virgin; I’ve been w close to 30 guys. We were both raised the same, are both emotionally healthy and happy w our choices, minus the occasional dating misstep we’ve both had. We admire each other and never tease about these things. Women do what works for them, thoughtfully in most cases I believe, so there’s no reason to judge, its a waste of time. I think a lot of time is wasted slut an virgin shaming when we coul be valuing and learning from each otherr.

avatar SpyGlassez May 16, 2012, 4:09 am

Or people like me, who are essentially asexual. My number would even out anyone’s number. I have never engaged in intercourse. So if someone’s number was 12, but they were being averaged with me, suddenly their “number” is 6. VERY different.

In MY area and in MY friendship circle, 1-2 partners is much more the norm. I don’t judge people who have a higher number, but I’d be lying if I said I understood it, just like I’m pretty sure my lack of interest is difficult for others to understand most of the time.

avatar Sunshine Brite May 11, 2012, 2:42 pm

Agreed, that seems like a ridiculously low number given what I feel is average among my friends, including those who have only been with one.

Brad Brad May 11, 2012, 5:21 pm

mine is lower.

avatar AndreaMarie May 14, 2012, 12:48 pm

Those numbers are super low. I guess it depends on whether or not someone was in a longterm relationship (having sex with the same person for 3 years) and a bunch of other factors. For example, 2 of my girlfriends who have been w the same guy since college are only at 3 or 4. However, my single girlfriends are well into the double digits. I;m not ashamed, I’m at 14 but Ive been single/dating for the last 5 years (im 28). Also 9 for guys is equally low. I know some guys with numbers in the 40s!

Kristina Kristina May 11, 2012, 2:26 pm

Yeah, I was surprised about the low averages for sex partners. My boyfriend and I were talking about this recently, because neither of us really told the other exactly how many people we slept with, and based on things he said prior, I assumed he slept with more than me. And he couldn’t hide the fact that he was a little disappointed. Which is silly.

I really liked the article about weddings. It bugs me how much some people focus on the wedding and not the marriage. As an artist/designer, deep down, I would love to plan a huge, expensive wedding. But that’s not realistic, and I honestly would be fine with getting married at city hall. Though my boyfriend and the types of guys I date probably would want some sort of wedding. I would rather spend money on an amazing honeymoon / buy an apartment.

avatar lets_be_honest May 11, 2012, 2:31 pm

Even if I had all the money in the world, I’d never do a big, formal wedding. Maybe big in terms of invitees, but I never dreamed of a big puffy dress and napkins with our initials on them. And now, seeing how hard it is to plan for my friends, I am even more sure its not for me. I’m stressed out enough.

avatar GatorGirl May 11, 2012, 2:40 pm

I agree. Even if I had an unlimited amount of money I still wouldn’t do anything swanky/lavish and I hate ball gowns. Like a lot. I need to start thinking about my own wedding dress and am really dreading it. I honestly might just order one from J Crew with out even trying it on and be done with it.

avatar GatorGirl May 11, 2012, 3:05 pm

But I do think if a couple wants to have a bigger wedding, can afford it with out going into crazy debt and aren’t doing it to impress people or live up to some “standard” then by all means have a big fancy wedding. But the problem is when people want to just have the wedding and not the marraige.

Kristina Kristina May 11, 2012, 2:41 pm

Yeah, even I would never want to go as far as napkins with initials and a puffy dress. And definitely after seeing those around me who have planned weddings, it makes me want to stay out of the process entirely. I am helping my best friend plan her wedding next year and that stresses me out enough. At least I can live vicariously through her so I don’t feel the need to have one.

Brad Brad May 11, 2012, 5:27 pm

Puffy dresses and ruffles just make women look fat in them anyway. Those 2 styles need to die. If I had to throw away my jean shorts I demand that big puffy dresses and dresses/shirts with ruffles have to go.

avatar Anna May 11, 2012, 3:05 pm

I agree. My wedding would be small, inexpensive, and low-key. I don’t have a ton of family and friends to invite and I don’t have expensive tastes. I’d rather have more money for the honeymoon and married life after that. My parents have said they will give me $2,000 for my wedding when I get engaged. I bet I could plan a wedding for not much more than that.

avatar lets_be_honest May 11, 2012, 3:10 pm

Unfortunately some of my family has very expensive taste, and I’m a people pleaser, so I’m sure it would get carried away rather quickly. I like expensive wine and handbags. Other than that, Walmart is my dear friend.
I would love a decent sized wedding (only because I’m lucky enough to have a large, lovely family), but low-key all the way.

CatsMeow CatsMeow May 11, 2012, 3:58 pm

I can easily see mine getting carried away too. I’m not a fan of very “traditional” weddings, but I would probably want to splurge on venue, open bar, decorations, and entertainment.

avatar rachel May 11, 2012, 6:40 pm

The open bar is what would get me.

avatar GatorGirl May 11, 2012, 3:29 pm

You’ll be surprised how fast $$ adds up when planning a wedding, even a simple one. I am deperately trying to keep my wedding reigned into our budget- but with 204 people on the guest list (I wish I could make it smaller but lucky me I have an enormous family) and needing to rent a tent and bathrooms…we’re having to cut back everywhere. DIY flower arrangements, calling in favors for photography, dj, etc. We’re thinking of having BBQ orcomfort food to help keep costs down too.

So, I guess my point is wedding planning hasn’t been the rainbows and sunshine I thought it would be and man money adds up fast!

CatsMeow CatsMeow May 11, 2012, 3:57 pm

It DOES add up fast! Sometimes I look stuff up just for the fun of it. I’ve never actually planned a wedding. Plus I watch all those dumb shows. Four Weddings, anyone?

avatar lets_be_honest May 11, 2012, 4:09 pm

My daughter’s favorite show is the one with David something or other. My Fair Wedding.

CatsMeow CatsMeow May 11, 2012, 5:15 pm

I’ve never seen it, but it’s on Netflix so maybe I’ll give it a go.

avatar lets_be_honest May 11, 2012, 5:19 pm

Trust me, you will like it. Its very cute and the host is adorable.

CatsMeow CatsMeow May 14, 2012, 10:39 am

omg I watched it this weekend and now I’m addicted to yet another wedding show, haha…

avatar GatorGirl May 11, 2012, 5:29 pm

I spend my Friday nights parked in front of the tv watching wedding shows. My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding- sheer genius. Say Yes to the Dress is wearing on me though.

CatsMeow CatsMeow May 14, 2012, 10:40 am

I LOVE the Gypsy Wedding shows. I like SYTTD, but NOT the Atlanta version.

katie katie May 11, 2012, 2:40 pm

I loved the article about marriage. I love how someone has actually done a survey that hypothesizes that the larger and more lavish the wedding, the more insecurities the. Purple has about the impending marriage …. I also loved the quote that couples see marriage as an end, when in fact it is just the beginning. I am going to have to remember that one when I plan my own wedding someday. I think that’s a lovely way to think about a wedding anyway.

avatar rachel May 11, 2012, 2:45 pm

Lol, was this some sort of autocorrect problem? Purple?

katie katie May 11, 2012, 2:46 pm

haha yea.. that was supposed to be people.

avatar bethany May 11, 2012, 2:42 pm

I totally agree that these days people focus WAY too much on the wedding and not nearly enough on the marraige. A lot of people are willing to put the work into findign the right dress, invitations, venue, whatever, but they’re not willing to put the work into their relationships. It’s really sad.

I had a small wedding, and I had a few freak out moments, for sure… But for me the focus was on the ceremony and the actual act of getting married and starting our life together, not creating a ‘perfect day’ or being a ‘princess’.

avatar lets_be_honest May 11, 2012, 2:47 pm

What did you do for yours to keep it “small”?

I recently had a surprise 30th party, about 60 people there maybe (no one I didn’t really love as a friend or family member) in a VFW type hall. Beer, booze, some regular non-fancy food. The basics. Everyone was in jeans basically. It was perfect.

avatar bethany May 11, 2012, 3:14 pm

I wanted a small wedding from the begining- My motto was basically, if I wouldn’t feel comfortable just dropping by your house unannounced, then you’re not invited to the wedding. I also didn’t want anyone there who didn’t *really* want to be there (like LW #3 in the shortcuts), so we didn’t invite some friends from high school or college that we’re not regularly in touch with, who might have just come out of a feeling of obligation. We ended up inviting about 90 people, and around 70 were supposed to come before the natural disaster struck (see below).

We had a semi-destination wedding in the Outer Banks (NC) and Hurricane Irene destroyed the only road onto the island where we were married (a month before the wedding) and really complicated things! It doubled the travel time to the wedding and required people taking additional time off work, so that weeded out some additional people.

In the end we had about 55 people- I got to spend a nice bit of time with everyone who came, and I genuinely liked every single person who was there.

I know people worry about offending someone by not inviting then, but I haven’t heard of a single person being upset about not being invited.

avatar lets_be_honest May 11, 2012, 3:16 pm

Sounds exactly how it should be done, imo. I’m remembering your hurricane nightmare posts now.

avatar bethany May 11, 2012, 3:42 pm

This thread prompted me to look at my wedding pictures again :) One of the things that ended up being a blessing about that damn hurricane was that everyone was just so happy that we were able to have the wedding and that they were able to make it down there, you can literally see the joy and love on everyone’s faces in the pictures… it’s pretty cool :)

that said, i’m so glad it’s over and I’m NEVER having a wedding again. If I end up widowed and want to remarry, it’s the courthouse all the way!!

avatar Nikki May 15, 2012, 4:16 pm

What island did you get married on? Hatteras, by chance? I love Hatteras.

avatar jlyfsh May 11, 2012, 6:43 pm

one of my best friends is currently, actually her ceremony probably just finished up, getting married in mexico. i loved the idea until i realized it would cost my husband about $3000 to go between airfare and to stay at the resort (very expensive and all inclusive) she was having it at. so i’m at home drinking a margarita pretending to be in mexico.

this comment actually has nothing to do with yours, sorry. other than all the wedding talk made me think of her. i’m kind of sad i’m not there.

avatar lets_be_honest May 11, 2012, 8:42 pm

I just had a pitcher of sangria to feel like I’m in Mexico :)

avatar lets_be_honest May 11, 2012, 2:51 pm

This is sort of like an open thread right? Thought I’d share this thought I had the other day. I was in a really, really bad mood. Just totally bummed out. Then I got some great news from my sister, and it changed my mood to super happy for her. So I started thinking about it, and decided that from now on, when I’m in a bad mood, I will think that I have to be in a bad mood because someone else needed my good mood. Sappy? yes. Made me feel better though.

avatar Addie Pray May 11, 2012, 3:01 pm

But if it made you feel better, does that mean someone felt worse, for you to feel better?

You know what sounds really good right now? a slice of pizza wrapped around a chicken finger dipped in ranch dressing.

avatar lets_be_honest May 11, 2012, 3:03 pm

Ooh, interesting twist you bring up!

I’ve just about had it with Ranch dressing. You’re overplayed Ranch! Get over yourself! I’d like my nuggets with something different for once. You know what’s yummy if you’re into dips? Burger King’s zesty sauce, mixed with their BBQ.

avatar Addie Pray May 11, 2012, 3:08 pm

I can’t believe you’re saying such mean things about Ranch. Did you kick a puppy today just for the hell of it too?!

But, yes, I’m into dips. I’ve never had BK’s. Chik-fil-A (not to bring that up again) has dips to die for.

avatar lets_be_honest May 11, 2012, 3:13 pm

Next time you are bored, go find a burger king. I could arrange for a mailing if you don’t have any near you.

katie katie May 11, 2012, 3:34 pm

Ranch is icky unless it is paired with vegetables.

avatar rachel May 11, 2012, 3:49 pm

Not true! OMG. The amazing cheapo drunk pizza place where I went to college had ranch to dip the pizza crust in and it was amazeballs. The pizza itself was also amazing, but only when intoxicated. Seriously, I ate it sober once and was like what the hell?

Will.i.am Will.i.am May 11, 2012, 6:10 pm

Haha. Too funny Rachel.

CatsMeow CatsMeow May 11, 2012, 4:03 pm

I’ll put ranch on most things. Veggies, french fries, hot wings, pizza, crackers, poppers, pretzels, sandwiches, what else? Not desserts. I can’t think of any sweet things that go well wtih ranch.

My boo puts ketchup on pizza. Is that weird? Like, ALWAYS. I think it’s nasty.

avatar rachel May 11, 2012, 4:08 pm

Ew. that is weird. I had a couple of friends in college who loved so much ketchup on their fries that they would basically share a bottle when we went out to eat. As in, the waitress would have to bring another bottle just for them.

katie katie May 11, 2012, 4:55 pm

i cant do it! i have this issue with the temperatures of my food, and so ranch, being a cold condiment, has to stay cold. and so i cant eat it with anything like pizza or chicken fingers. ew. i just cant!!

avatar lets_be_honest May 11, 2012, 4:59 pm

haha! I love hearing people’s crazy food things. I can’t see my food being prepared or I won’t eat it. Hence why I never cook.
Anyone like ketchup on their fries? Jelly on their grilled cheese?

avatar rachel May 11, 2012, 5:19 pm

Ketchup is supposed to go on fries…

avatar rachel May 11, 2012, 5:21 pm

Also, I had a friend who wouldn’t eat sauce on anything. Even pasta. And she wouldn’t eat soup because she said it was just sauce in a bowl.

avatar lets_be_honest May 11, 2012, 5:23 pm

Oops, meant to write ketchup on eggs! That must’ve sounded very dumb.

I say soup is just a drink and doesn’t count as food.

avatar rachel May 11, 2012, 5:25 pm

Haha, I was mostly just confused. And I prefer hot sauce on eggs, but I think ketchup is pretty common.

avatar GatorGirl May 11, 2012, 5:27 pm

Ketchup on eggs is delishious. Sugar on grilled cheese is also good. And salt in light beer. And ketchup chips.

Will.i.am Will.i.am May 11, 2012, 6:13 pm

Coke and peanuts together is amazing as well. The added salt to the coke is great. Also, salt on ice cream is good too.

avatar Addie Pray May 11, 2012, 6:18 pm

Yum, yum, yum, yum!

avatar lets_be_honest May 11, 2012, 8:44 pm

Salt in beer? Gonna have to try that.

katie katie May 11, 2012, 5:33 pm

haha, ok here is my rational for ketchup: while ketchup is kept cold, it is meant to be eaten hot. it is only eaten on hot foods, and so that means that i am free to eat ketchup on fries, hamburgers, hot dogs, and yes, eggs sometimes. but, for instance, mayo is a cold condiment and only meant to be eaten cold (cold sadnwiches), and so you should never eat it with fries or on hamburgers….

yep. thats a weird thing i have. i also cannot do “cold” leftovers, like pizza or chinese food…. hot foods should be eaten hot, and cold foods cold. i get all freaked out otherwise! lol

JK JK May 11, 2012, 5:34 pm

Totally agree with your last paragraph!

avatar Addie Pray May 11, 2012, 6:24 pm

I like my leftovers cold. I hate the taste of re-heated chicken – gross! – and most other things re-heated.

I like a little bit of everything in each bite – hot and cold, crunchy and soft, salty and savory. … So I tend to mix everything together.

I like ketchup on my mac and cheese.

I’m so hungry right now.

avatar Addie Pray May 11, 2012, 6:25 pm

* meant “sweet and savory”

avatar rachel May 11, 2012, 6:43 pm

I love cold pizza, but I definitely couldn’t eat cold chinese or anything like that. Cold pasta or rice just icks me out. (unless it’s like, a pasta salad or something)

CatsMeow CatsMeow May 14, 2012, 10:42 am

You can keep ketchup room temperature. There’s no reason it has to be refrigerated.

Brad Brad May 11, 2012, 5:30 pm

I like the honey mustard from chick fil a and the bbq.

avatar bethany May 11, 2012, 2:59 pm

I really liked the “Don’t Divorce Until…” article- each of the contributors raised really good points that I think a lot of people might not think about.

I skimmed the comments to the article and several people said ‘why not have a list of things to go over before you get married- why wait until you’re on the brink of divorce?’– Clearly they haven’t read any of Wendy’s lists :)