Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Wedding Week Shortcuts: “I Didn’t Get a Plus-One for My Live-In Girlfriend and I’m Furious!!”

It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.

One of my fraternity friends, whom I’m not very close with, is getting married and I was invited to the bachelor party. I sent back the invitation saying my girlfriend and I would attend the wedding. He calls me right after he gets the RSVP saying that, due to venue size and how he wants to invite all his frat guys, my live-in girlfriend of six years can’t attend. I’m furious because I will be spending over a grand on his bachelor party. He said there is a hard and fast rule that only engaged, married, and/or in-the-wedding-party can bring a significant other. I know for a fact this rule was bent. What should I do now that my girlfriend doesn’t want me going and all my friends are telling me to suck it up? Why should I spend all this money on him when we aren’t good friends and he can’t even invite my serious live-in girlfriend to his wedding? — Pissed at My Frat Bro


If you don’t want to spend a grand on a bachelor party for someone you aren’t even good friends with, DON’T. You could still go to the wedding without attending the bachelor party. Or, you could skip the wedding, too. As rude as you might think it was of this guy not to extend a plus-1 to your live-in girlfriend of six years, it was kind of rude of you to presume she was invited and inform the groom she would be attending if nowhere on your invitation did it indicate anyone other than you was being invited.

I’m going to a wedding this summer of a close friend, and I just looked at their registry and GOOD GOD! Everything on it was ridiculously expensive. It’s not like they’re starting out with nothing; they have been living together for years, but it’s like they want to replace their entire household with the highest of high-end products. Seriously, I’m a poor grad student and I can’t even afford to buy them one of the towels they registered for on top of traveling to their destination wedding. Is it okay to not give them a gift or to get them something off-registry? What is a good, reasonably priced wedding present? — Broke Wedding Guest

 
Yes, of course, you can get something off-registry. I have wedding gift suggestions here at a variety of price points. It’s also ok to not give a gift and to give a card with a heart-felt, hand-written note inside. Anyone who would feel offended by a lack of gift from someone without a lot of money who traveled far to be at their wedding isn’t worth worrying about anyway.

My honey and I are getting married over Labor Day weekend and we’re super happy and excited. It will be a second wedding for each of us, so this time we’re going smaller and only having about 50 people (immediate family, closest friends, etc.). I was going to send out Save the Date cards as soon as possible, but my fiancé suggested we just send out wedding invitations instead and those who RSVP “no” can be replaced by people on the B list. What are your thoughts on this? — Second-Time Bride

 
I’d send out Save the Dates, and, since you are only inviting immediate family and closest friends, you could ask that anyone who already knows that he or she won’t be able to attend let you know as soon as possible. Then send invitations out two months before the wedding and, if you get additional RSVP regrets, you can send out last-minute invitations to your “B” guest list with the understanding that most people will probably already have their holiday weekend plans made and won’t be able to make the wedding (and that they’ll also suspect they were last-minute additions to the guest list, so consider how that might affect your relationship with them versus not inviting them at all to your intimate wedding).

In about a month I’m going to a good friend’s wedding and I’ll have met some of his other mates and they’re all nice. So that’s fine. Except, he’s also invited someone else I was close to about four years ago until we had a very messy “friend break-up.” I feel absolutely rotten about some things I did that contributed to that break up, but, also, I’m not completely sure why things had to become so fraught – I think there were more reasons for the fight and break-up than I knew about at the time and that I still don’t know now. I’ll have to see this person at the wedding and I’m not really sure how to react to her. I think I should make an effort to go over and say hello at the start of the festivities, and then slink back to my separate corner and talk to some other people for the rest of the time we’re there. What do you think? — Expecting Awkward Ex-Friend Run-In

 
Eh, I don’t think you need to make a big production of going over and saying hello. I mean, don’t go out of your way to avoid her, but, if you happen to end up near each other (in line, on the dance floor, what have you), a simple, “Hi, how are you? Nice to see you,” will suffice. The issue with looking for her and approaching her is that you then analyze your “performance” afterward. Plus, the slinking back to your corner is weird. Just wait for a natural, organic opportunity to give your regards and move on. And try not to worry about this too much. There will be plenty of other people at the wedding and the focus will be elsewhere anyway. Plus, champagne and cake!

***************

Follow along on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

72 comments… add one
  • Addie Pray

    Addie Pray May 8, 2015, 9:14 am

    LW1: Oh good god. Don’t spend $1,000 on the bachelor party. Not because of the perceived slight, but because that would be stupid (with or without a Plus One invite). Go to the wedding, without your girlfriend. It sounds like she is not a close friend of this guy or his fiancee (have they ever even met?), or else she would have gotten her own invitation. In any event, it’s one night; you’ll survive the night. Go throw back some beers and reminisce your frat days; you’ll have fun. And she’ll find something to do without you, for that one night.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      tbrucemom May 8, 2015, 11:01 am

      I agree to a point. This obviously is a serious girlfriend of 6 years. Not everyone is able to get married or wants to for that matter. Why would a fiance of a year trump a live in GF of 6 years? I get not automatically adding a plus one but this is a case where the GF should have been invited. Now if it ends up that all the “frat guys” are going solo then yes the GF is probably better off staying home. Yes the LW was wrong to automatically add her to his RSVP, he should have called first. I had several people ask me if they could bring someone they were involved with and I said yes because I’m assuming they were at least semi-serious if they bothered to ask. As far as the $1,000, WTF? I don’t even know what would cost that much unless it’s a destination bachelor party.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        SpaceySteph May 8, 2015, 11:17 am

        Having been through this not that long ago, I still have PTSD over the “plus one” debate. Honestly, the couple gets to make whatever rules/dividing line they want regarding who gets a plus one and who doesn’t (except, I’d argue, that married couples must be invited as couples) and if they decided that engaged couples are in and dating cohabitating couples are out, then that’s their prerogative.

        Regardless, if an invitiation is addressed to Mr. Letter Writer 1, then he is wrong to assume it means “and Girlfriend.” He can be mad she isn’t invited and not go, or go without her and be mad, or get over it and be mad, but the faux pas here is assuming his gf was invited when she wasnt’… not that they didn’t invite her.

        Link
      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray May 8, 2015, 11:28 am

        Because that’s how the wedding couple made the decision. For the record, I think it’s kind of dumb. Some people don’t want to (or can’t!) get married to their partner but that doesn’t make them less serious. Putting aside how we judge the seriousness of other people’s relationships and whether that’s fair (because I don’t think it’s relevant here), thems the rule for this wedding. You can follow the rules or not go. I guess if I had found the rule more offensive, I might say “stick your ground, don’t go to that asshole’s wedding!” but I think the rule he’s laid down is fairly common, right? But you’re right; maybe he is offended. Maybe he has no intention of getting married for whatever reason and he feels slighted by the “only spouses can come” rule. LW, you shouldn’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable. But it seems silly for some reason, without more info. It seems like you just want special treatment or like you can’t go to a party alone.

        Link
      • avatar

        ktfran May 8, 2015, 11:33 am

        Agreed! I too, think it’s kind of silly, but where do you draw the line? Once you start making exceptions for some, you have to make them for others. That’s why people make these sort of rules.
        .
        Last year, my friend decided to send everyone a plus one; however, she sort of let the singletons know not to bring some rando to the party because it wasn’t cheap.

        Link
      • avatar

        mertlej May 8, 2015, 11:52 am

        My sister is basically extending plus ones to anyone with a significant other, regardless of how long they’ve been dating, but doesn’t want anyone who is single or casually dating to bring a random date just because they can. But, that is less for space purposes and more because she and her fiance don’t want a bunch of random strangers at a day that is so meaningful for them. I think that is totally fair.

        Link
      • avatar

        ktfran May 8, 2015, 12:56 pm

        Totally agreed.

        Link
      • avatar

        tbrucemom May 8, 2015, 12:23 pm

        That’s what I’m getting at. I understand married couples are a no brainer as well as engaged couples. But there are a lot of people that are committed to each other and can’t or don’t want to get married and they shouldn’t be excluded. Nor should someone just automatically get to bring someone because they don’t want to go alone. I understand that the wedding couple gets to decide but I believe there are wedding rules and then there are doing the right thing rules. Maybe our ancient wedidng rules need to be updated.

        Link
      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray May 8, 2015, 3:14 pm

        “Maybe our ancient wedding rules need to be updated.” This! Yes! Praise the lord!

        Link
      • Lyra

        Lyra May 8, 2015, 11:59 am

        Plus ones are weird…I think sometimes people tend to take it really personally. It’s not necessarily intentional I don’t think. In this case I think inviting engaged/married plus ones made the decision for the couple easier. Like “oh, Susie has been dating whatshisname for a year, but they’re not engaged or married. Plus we haven’t met whatshisname so we’ll just invite Susie”. The couple getting married is usually just trying to cut costs. It isn’t anything personal, and ultimately the couple is making that choice.
        .
        Plus ones also add up VERY fast. I added plus ones to all my cousins’ invites no matter what because that was the fair thing to do, and it ended up adding about 40 extra people to the guest list. It’s still a few months out yet, so I don’t know how many are actually bringing guests.

        Link
      • Lyra

        Lyra May 8, 2015, 12:02 pm

        Also, Navy Guy’s bro’s girlfriend took it SUPER personally that the save the date didn’t have her name on it. We are just adding “and guest” to those who had a plus one to make thing simple. I explained to her that it wasn’t anything personal, but I was shocked at how upset she was.

        Link
      • Portia

        Portia May 8, 2015, 3:21 pm

        40??? I don’t even have 40 family members! We went with no plus ones for cousins because it would have made it impossible to invite any friends, based in capacity.

        Link
      • Lyra

        Lyra May 8, 2015, 3:24 pm

        I know, it’s insane. Those darn Irish Catholic farm families I tell ya…

        Link
      • MissRemy

        msremy May 8, 2015, 4:36 pm

        Is it common to just invite your cousin without a plus one? I really hope so because i hadnt thought of that, it would solve many of my guest list worries! Would add at least 13 people when I’m trying to keep it small 🙁

        Link
      • Portia

        Portia May 8, 2015, 4:50 pm

        If we make it a thing, it’s a thing. Let’s start a trend, msremy!
        .
        It cut down 4-7 on my side alone. My reasoning for that came from the fact that I only have enough space to invite 10 non-family/family friends for my side (and 3 of those are significant others).

        Link
      • Lyra

        Lyra May 8, 2015, 5:43 pm

        My cousins range from age 15-38 so we cover a gamut. I cut it off at “anyone still in high school does not get a plus one”. I can guarantee half of the cousins who got a plus one will not even bring anybody, but since I have a lot of cousins who are in relationships but also a lot who are single, I felt it was the courteous thing to do. The thing is that EVERYONE in my family goes to weddings. Everrrrryone. And if I count relatives — aunts, uncles, cousins — I have about 80 of them. So yeah.

        Link
  • Addie Pray

    Addie Pray May 8, 2015, 9:17 am

    LW3: I think you should send the wedding invites now. If people RSVP no, you can then send invites to the B list team, with plenty of time before the wedding, so they might not ever know they were wait listed. Voila!

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Sunshine Brite May 8, 2015, 9:17 am

    LW1 – Woah, that doesn’t really sound out of line to me to have a potential guys’ night out type scenario at a wedding if you know someone through a group, it’d be more like a group outing than a couples’ thing even if it was a wedding. That’s just my take on it though and it might be the groom’s take too. If you want to see your frat bros, go to the bachelor party and wedding, hang out, etc. but if you don’t, don’t. It’s like any invitation.

    LW2 – You could do a card and whatever you feel comfortable spending on a gift card to wherever they’re registered? Wendy’s suggestions are fun and awesome. Or just a card. As a close friend, they shouldn’t be upset by this and if they are, question their friendship.

    LW3 – I like save the dates, I have flexibility at work to accommodate things if I know long enough in advance. 2 months is actually kind of pushing it for me not to be stressed at work getting everything ready to go for a few days off in a row. Plus, a lot of people have standing Labor Day plans so they can switch/cancel them/plan in your wedding if needed.

    LW4 – WWS

    Reply Link
  • othy

    othy May 8, 2015, 9:27 am

    LW4 – Yep, WWS. I recently went to a wedding of one of the few high school friends I’m still in touch with. She invited a lot of our other high school friends, who I am quite glad not to see on a regular basis. I didn’t make a big deal out of seeing them, and didn’t go out of my way to say hi to them or to avoid them. I was polite and friendly, as I was with many of the other guests. And that’s all it needed to be.

    Reply Link
  • kmtthat

    kmentothat May 8, 2015, 9:33 am

    Frankly, I don’t get the point of sending out Save the Dates if all the details are worked out (venue, date, time, food options, dress code, hotel block, etc.) ESPECIALLY since it is for a holiday weekend when a lot of people would prefer advanced notice with as much info as possible so they can book flights etc. before the prices jump up even higher.
    .
    And Like AP said, it would solve the B team feeling like last minute invites if you invite them a little closer to the wedding after a few people send their (early) regrets.
    .
    That being said, I’m all for paperless invites! Save the trees, save the money, make it easy.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    ktfran May 8, 2015, 9:38 am

    LW2 – I feel you have the most sane letter in this bunch. I’m not sure how close you are with others who are attending the wedding, but if you want and can afford to give a gift, you could go in on a big ticket item. For my friends shower, several of us went in on a pots and pans set and it ended up being only $40/person.
    .
    LW1 – I would probably be slightly annoyed if I had a long-term significant other that was overlooked. I would be more understanding if bride/groom didn’t really know significant other. And honestly, this wedding sounds more like a reunion for all of you, so how much fun would your girlfriend have? I also think it’s insane that she doesn’t want you to go without her. Controlling much?
    .
    LW3 and 4 – you’re both over thinking things way too much.
    .
    3: since your wedding is so small, you presumably talk to the desired guests on a regular basis. Just mention the date next time you talk and tell them the invite will come later. Send invites. Get replies. Send more invites. Done and done.

    4: WWS all the way. I doubt this person cares nearly as much as you do. Say hello. Be polite. And that’s all you really have to do.

    Reply Link
  • Guy Friday

    Guy Friday May 8, 2015, 10:07 am

    LW2: So, a quick story: when my wife and I were registering, we felt like kids in a candy store when we walked through Bed Bath & Beyond with those little scanner guns, seeing things and being like “Ooh! Let’s add this! And this! And 3 of these!” And then we looked at the registry several months later, and we had added these gorgeous crystal wine glasses that were $80. PER GLASS. And we registered for 12, since we were matching it to our china set. And we felt like giant idiots. We jokingly refer to it as “being in the wedding zone,” but it’s totally true; a couple can get so wrapped up in the excitement that it doesn’t even click right away for them. Or, alternately, since a lot of stores offer you the chance to buy anything left on your registry for a discount (BB&B was 20% off), they may have put it on there with the expectation no one would buy it and they’d take advantage of the discount.
    .
    I guess what I’m saying is that gift cards to the store they’re registered at are ALWAYS safe to give. One of our couple friends who were 3 or 4 years younger and recently out of college gave us a $50 gift card to BB&B with a beautiful letter talking about how we both showed them what a strong loving couple looked like, and we framed the letter. Some people gave us $25 gift cards, and you know what? We looked at it for what it was: their giving us a gift to celebrate our marriage. We didn’t care what the price tag was; we cared that they thought of us.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      tbrucemom May 8, 2015, 10:55 am

      Yes for gift cards! Especially if there for a place where the couple is registered and they can pool them all together.

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      SpaceySteph May 8, 2015, 11:39 am

      In general, we made our registry for the rich old lady friends of my grandmother who think giving money is gauche but have no problem buying 4 of those $80 crystal glasses– even if they aren’t invited to the wedding. I didn’t expect any of our friends to buy us that stuff.
      I wouldn’t get too bent out of shape judging the couple. I agree that if you’re traveling to the wedding, you presence is the present. A nice card and no gift is totally fine. A nice card and small gift (like a framed photo) is nice. A nice card and something off registry is nice, too.

      Reply Link
    • Lyra

      Lyra May 8, 2015, 11:46 am

      I gave my uncles a gift card last year when they got married. I couldn’t afford much, but since they both love Target, voila, gift idea! They have been together for about 25 years and are verrrrry well off (they own a very successful business together so their wedding was super duper fancy), so I felt kind of dumb, but the thank you note they sent back was very grateful. They talked about how much they appreciated the support of them taking the plunge and getting married.
      .
      That actually reminds me, I stained their deck that summer as a gift too… Maybe the LW could offer to do something for the couple? Even if it’s hosting a nice dinner or something, that might be a nice gesture.

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      va-in-ny May 8, 2015, 12:13 pm

      A lot of places now offer a discount to the couple if things on the registry haven’t been purchased after the date passed. A gift card is always a good idea to help them get some of the things they really wanted.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        SpaceySteph May 8, 2015, 1:12 pm

        We actually added stuff to our registry after we got married so we could go buy it on the discount with our gift cards. Because they do give you like a one-time coupon where you can close out your registry and get 20% off. So like I wanted a fancy handheld vacuum cleaner but I didn’t register for it and then I just added it to the registry right before we drove to Bed Bath and Beyond to do our closeout… Thanks Aunt Susie, for the vacuum cleaner!

        Link
  • mylaray

    mylaray May 8, 2015, 10:50 am

    I personally think Save the Dates are confusing, and also unnecessary. And if you’re getting married over a holiday, I would just send invitations now. Especially when so many people travel to weddings these days, I think the sooner you send them out the better. And then if you want to send more, then do that. Though, the way the wedding is described with it being just close friends and family, I don’t really see why you would want to have a B list anyway.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      tbrucemom May 8, 2015, 10:54 am

      Totally agree. Labor Day is 4 months away. If they were going to send a Save the Date it really should have been sent by now. As far as the “B” list. I wonder how many are on it? If it’s not too many I would just send an invite to everyone knowing that there will be some that won’t be able to go especially since it’s a holiday weekend and then no one’s feelings will be hurt thinking they’re “second best”.

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      snoopy128 May 8, 2015, 1:50 pm

      Save the dates are confusing on such a short timeline.
      I just sent one out for a party I’m hosting for a family member and had so many confused replies because people wanted more details or wanted to know if the date was set in stone (for booking flights). In this case (the event is a month and a half away), I wish we’d just done an invite.

      Reply Link
  • Lyra

    Lyra May 8, 2015, 11:14 am

    LW1, you need to get over this. Honestly I wouldn’t go to either the bachelor party or the wedding. It sounds like you aren’t even close to this guy anymore, so why even bother if it is bothering you and your girlfriend so much? I think you’re stuck in this mindset of the fact that he was/is your frat brother and you feel obligated to go…maybe there is a fraternity tradition at the wedding or something that you want to take part in, I don’t know. You also need to keep in mind that even though your girlfriend didn’t get an invite, that isn’t about you. Every single couple getting married has to go through their guest list and trim down quite a bit in order to fit their budget. It’s INSANELY rude to assume not only that she was invited, but also to get pissed that their “plus one” rule wasn’t bent for you. How much fun do you really think your girlfriend is going to have at this wedding? You’ll probably be drinking beer and reminiscing with the guys. Somehow I don’t think she is very close with this group of your friends so she’ll probably be bored out of her mind.
    .
    It is irksome to me when people register for only the most expensive things, or only at a super high end place. In my opinion it is polite to register for gifts that fit a range of budgets. For this couple, I wonder if they are already pretty well off and though the prices are expensive to the LW the prices don’t seem too bad to the couple. Still, I find it kind of rude. I will say, Etsy has a TON of super cute gifts that are affordable, and many can be customized. Maybe a piece of wall art or a wine rack or something…

    Reply Link
  • kare

    kare May 8, 2015, 12:49 pm

    So this in no way adds to the discussion, but it’s a random plus one drama story (those are the best, right)? So my coworker was in a wedding, and all of the bridesmaids are super close friends. They talked and everyone agreed to two girls with boyfriends would bring their boyfriends, and the other two girls wouldn’t bring a date since they’d be so busy with the wedding stuff to devote much time to someone who would know no one. One of the single girls sends in her rsvp a month before the wedding with her ex boyfriend as a plus one. She hadn’t mentioned him in months, no one knew they were together or even communicating, and she didn’t tell the other single girl she decided to bring a date. The bride hates the ex boyfriend (to the point where neither one of them will stay in a room if the other enters it). Then the bridesmaid asked if she could change who she was walking down the aisle with because it was a guy she had slept with and her date would be pissed if they walked together.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Sioux May 8, 2015, 1:20 pm

    LW1: I believe that you have every right to be offended and skip the wedding. As a proper host, all guests should be invited with their significant others. You and your GF are a social unit and deserve to be treated as such. It is incredibly rude for anyone to decide what types of relationships are “serious enough” to make the cut…. How can you be asked to go celebrate their union when they have so blatantly disrespected yours? I’d skip and seriously reevaluate my friendship with them.

    LW2: WWS

    LW3: No no no! B-listing is so rude. As someone who has been B-listed, it stings big time to receive a “sloppy seconds” invitation. So you’re having a intimate affair, cool! Can’t hate there. Some of your nearest and dearest can’t make it, so you are filling seats…..and of course I have to bring a gift? Yuck! Even if you don’t intend to, it looks gift grabby and really hurts guests feelings. While I’m sure it will be lovely, your wedding is not The Event of The Year where people will be clamoring for an invite: if you care about those B-Listed, invite them period.

    Wendy, I usually agree with you a million percent, but this etiquette advice is just not great. At the end of the day, etiquette is not about traditions and stuffiness, but about not being an asshole to your guests. B-listing and not inviting couples is being an asshole host.

    Reply Link
    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom May 8, 2015, 2:02 pm

      Your advice to LW1 assumes that the inviting couple has unlimited money and unlimited space and are thus able to invite an unlimited number of people. Real life intrudes and puts limits on almost everything, including a guest list.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        Sioux May 8, 2015, 2:41 pm

        I agree people don’t have unlimited money. If you can’t afford to invite both halves of a couple, then neither of them should be invited at all. Period, end of story. “Come celebrate our love and union as a couple while we disrespect your relationship by saying your SO is not important enough to be invited.”

        There is nothing wrong with having a small, intimate wedding. There is nothing wrong with inviting who you can afford to invite. I do not believe truly single guests need a date (though it is nice if you have the room in your venue and budget…)

        Look there are no laws to stop people from committing this blunder. However, as a potential guest, LW1 does not have to take this and just suck it up and follow their “engaged or married” rule. He can absolutely decline and not feel a speck of guilt.

        Brides and Grooms will continue to do how they do, but those who choose to not invite couples together will reap the consequences of hurting said couples, and perhaps even losing friends over it.

        I would never attend an event where my H was not invited….ie not welcome. Even before we were married or engaged, at any point in our relationship. And I know he would do the same if the tables were turned. And those who committed this slight would be cut out, no matter how close I was to the bride and groom. Sorrynotsorry

        Link
      • avatar

        jlyfsh May 8, 2015, 2:49 pm

        Honestly with your attitude I think the people you’re cutting out are probably the lucky ones.

        Link
      • avatar

        Sioux May 8, 2015, 2:53 pm

        Doubtful. I was an amazing and gracious host at our recent wedding in February and made sure all of my guests in relationships, including my little brother’s new girlfriend, were welcome. I planned accordingly budget wise and invited everyone with their significant other. But thanks for the assumption!

        Link
      • avatar

        Sioux May 8, 2015, 4:52 pm

        If someone feels “lucky” to lose me as friend because I prioritize my relationship with my husband and will not attend an event where has been excluded, good. They are not my friends. DH and I are a package deal.

        Link
      • Portia

        Portia May 8, 2015, 3:07 pm

        Oh boy, I hope you’re not someone I was intending to invite to my wedding.

        Link
      • avatar

        Sioux May 8, 2015, 4:28 pm

        I know I’m not as none of my friends, family and loved ones are so gauche and rude to exclude my SO to attending their weddings.

        Link
      • Portia

        Portia May 8, 2015, 3:37 pm

        “I do not believe truly single guests need a date” – let’s point out just how single they are! For me personally, I would greatly prefer including plus ones for everyone to only excluding the single ones.

        Link
      • avatar

        ktfran May 8, 2015, 3:42 pm

        Hahaha. Thank you for that statement.
        .
        However I don’t normally invite a plus one because I don’t want to have to worry about their well being while I’m having a grand time with friends. Additionally, I’m going to be invited to a wedding this September where I’ll know nobody but bride and groom. I’m not sure if I’ll received a plus one. But the groom is young, 30, so even if I do get a plus one… I might take my chances, not bring a date and just meet new people at my table.

        Link
      • avatar

        jlyfsh May 8, 2015, 3:57 pm

        It’s funny being a gracious host factors in nowhere for me when deciding whether someone is a person I want as a friend. And in fact my statement had nothing to do with hosting abilities.

        Link
      • avatar

        ktfran May 8, 2015, 4:03 pm

        I meant, if I receive an invite with a plus one, I usually don’t invite someone because I like to have fun with my friends and not worry if the person I invited who might not know anyone is having a good time.
        .
        Since I haven’t been married, I don’t know what I would do about the whole thing.

        Link
      • avatar

        ktfran May 8, 2015, 4:10 pm

        I understood perfectly what your statement meant, and I actually appreciated it. I was merely explaining how I view plus ones, as a single person, when I receive them, in that I don’t invite someone just to be inviting someone because of before mentioned reason.

        Link
      • avatar

        jlyfsh May 8, 2015, 4:14 pm

        sorry ktfran that comment ended up in the wrong place!!

        Link
      • avatar

        Sioux May 8, 2015, 4:38 pm

        Hey if you’re totally cool having friends that treat their friends like crap by deeming their spouses/life partners/SOs like second class citizens and committing other hurtful etiquette “choices” that’s your right! Must be interesting! I, myself, am more discerning about the company I keep. Further, if you were hypothetically to make such a choice as to exclude s close friend’s SO for your wedding, they might act like they are ok with it and even still attend the event, it is because they have manners and class. I, myself, would quietly check the “regrets” box on that RSVP card and find a quiet way to distance myself from such a person. The bride and groom have made many choices in their wedding planning and if they cannot afford to host me with my SO properly, then I do not feel welcome. It’s pretty simple really!!

        Think about it! If you were to throw a dinner party at your house, would invite your friend but tell them “please don’t bring your wife, I don’t have enough room! It’s more important that these other people be there!” Would you not take offense to this?

        Link
      • avatar

        jlyfsh May 8, 2015, 6:08 pm

        trying to compare apples and oranges there. and really not extending a plus one is treating them like a second class citizen? really? that is probably the single most ridiculous wedding related thing I’ve seen on here.
        .
        I highly doubt you come across as being as classy as you think.

        Link
      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark May 8, 2015, 8:55 pm

        Damn. Sioux, you come across as kinda fucking nuts and hilariously petty and insecure.
        .
        PS — Hey, I can’t tell you how many fucking plus ones I’ve met at weddings that I never saw ever again as most people treat relationships like kleenex and yet they wonder why so many people don’t take each and every (in)significant other they are introduced to very seriously…

        Link
    • Portia

      Portia May 8, 2015, 2:39 pm

      It’s these attitudes right here that I don’t get. There are just so many reasons that a plus one or SO isn’t invited that making that assumption (that they’re disrespecting your relationship? What even?) is ridiculous to me. After 9 years of dating (before engagement), me and Bassanio were basically considered married by our friends, but I would not at all be offended if someone had only invited one of us. In fact, I think it happened once or twice. Also there are so many reasons the two of us haven’t attended together.
      .
      In fact, only invited “established” couples without those dating for under a year or whatever means, the inviter is judging the seriousness of the relationship and how is that their place?

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        Sioux May 8, 2015, 2:58 pm

        People establish their relationship status on their own. If they are adults and say they are in a relationship, then they are. I am arguing no one should be the “judge” of how serious a relationship is.

        And I know budget, space, etc is always an issue. It is for everyone. But, especially to a wedding, which is an event to recognize the love and coming together of a couple, say one half of a couple that is supposed to be your honored guest is not invited or welcome. It might not be intended to be an insult or disrespect to one’s relationship, but it can still hurt feelings. If you care enough about someone to have them attend your wedding, then you should treat them kindly by assuming they, with their SO is a social unit and should be treated as such.

        I would be very hurt if someone did this to me. And LW1 has every right to be hurt and choose not to attend as well.

        Link
      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom May 8, 2015, 3:50 pm

        The alternative to leaving out the significant others would be to leave out half of his frat brothers. I’m assuming that would leave lasting bad feelings at least as much, if not more so than leaving out girlfriends. To have someones new girlfriend be invited when you get left out would feel pretty rude to most people. It isn’t like a wedding is a couples only event. It is a friends are invited to share our day event.

        Link
      • Portia

        Portia May 8, 2015, 4:38 pm

        Excellent point. I’d rather piss off one frat brother than half to all the frat brothers.

        Link
      • avatar

        Sioux May 8, 2015, 4:54 pm

        Or…..here’s a novel idea…..! You could the right thing and be a good host and not piss off anyone by hosting ALL of your guests properly! Sounds crazy I know!

        Link
      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom May 8, 2015, 8:20 pm

        So now you are back to assuming an unlimited budget with unlimited seating. You are busy making every other person’s wedding all about recognition of your relationship. Why so demanding? Obviously it is all about you. Your self-centered arrogance probably gets you crossed off of lots of guest lists. Why would someone who doesn’t know you choose to invite you along with your significant other that they do know and skip inviting a second good friend. Are you afraid to go alone? Are you afraid to let your partner go alone? Do you think that people see your relationship as less than other relationships? You seem unusually militant as if you are working out a problem in a way that is actually rude even though you don’t think so.

        Link
      • Lyra

        Lyra May 8, 2015, 5:53 pm

        I think you’re making this VERY personal. It’s not. I have friends who I’m close to and I really don’t know their significant others at all. Hell I have friends who are married and I don’t know their spouse well at all. By all means yes, couples decide if they’re a couple or not, but plus ones aren’t about “oh they’re more serious as a couple so we’ll invite them as a couple”. It’s not about you. It’s not about your relationship. It is by NO MEANS disrespecting your relationship. The ONLY people who know the reasons for not inviting a plus one is the couple getting married. I’ve been invited to weddings without boyfriends before, and it was fine. I went with friends, I hung out, I had a blast. End of story. That’s it. Honestly your comments about this make you sound like you can’t go anywhere WITHOUT your significant other, which is alarming.

        Link
      • Portia

        Portia May 8, 2015, 6:57 pm

        Agreed, Lyra. On top of that, if a person feels every invitation or lack thereof is a reflection of their personal feelings about the relationship, they might want to think hard about why a perceived slight is so chock full of meaning for them. If they’re secure in their relationship and there have been other indications that these friends respect or accept your relationship, what does it matter if they’re included on every invitation? It’s a couple of hours where you don’t even see the people who invited you for more than a few minutes, and for bigger weddings that’s only if you’re lucky.
        .
        Plus, Sioux, I’m just gonna put it out there: someone else’s wedding is not about you.

        Link
      • Lyra

        Lyra May 9, 2015, 8:47 am

        Exactly. I did choose invite all spouses and include plus ones for almost everyone, but if I didn’t, my friends and family would have understood.

        Link
      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom May 8, 2015, 9:30 pm

        The relationship that is being honored by this invitation is the fraternity bond that was formed years ago. These guys probably are all together only at weddings so it is important to the entire group that they all be invited. So it is all or none for the group of fraternity brothers. After the entire group is on the guest list along with family and other close friends there are probably only a limited number of spaces remaining. So it comes down to how to fill those spaces. You could bump a fraternity brother for each significant other of a different fraternity brother but at that point you are ranking the relationship and value of each fraternity brother which will destroy the group pretty rapidly.
        .
        You are right that he can choose to not go and he can distance himself from these friends if that is what he wants. Maybe he doesn’t care at this point to remain friends with the entire group. He has to realize that if he doesn’t go because of his girlfriend then they’ll all be making jokes about the girlfriend having him by the balls. If he can’t go away for a weekend to see old friends without his girlfriend getting angry and feeling insulted it is a situation that says more about the girlfriend and her insecurities and controlling behavior than anything about the way they treat their friends. Friends understand this, the self-absorbed don’t. This has nothing to do with validating his choice of significant other. It has everything to do with honoring a long standing fraternal bond.

        Link
      • avatar

        Sioux May 8, 2015, 10:15 pm

        So why did some of the frat brothers get their SOs invited?

        Link
      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom May 9, 2015, 7:16 am

        We have to guess. My guess is that they invited spouses of brothers and fiances of brothers. He said other exceptions were made. Who knows, maybe they spend enough time with some of the brothers that they have become friends with some of the SOs and invited them because they know them. In that case the SO is also a friend who is invited as a friend. No matter how much it may bug you a spouse is a different social unit than a girlfriend.

        Link
      • Lyra

        Lyra May 9, 2015, 8:56 am

        The only people who know that are the bride and groom. But like I said above, it’s nothing personal against the couple, and it’s not a “disrespect” to not extend a plus one. Not to mention, it’s a party with his frat bros…how much fun is his girlfriend really going to have at this event?? From what it sounds like, I doubt she has met many (if any) of the frat brothers.

        Link
      • Lyra

        Lyra May 9, 2015, 8:42 am

        Exactly. Very well said, Skyblossom.

        Link
    • Lyra

      Lyra May 8, 2015, 5:14 pm

      Whoa.
      .
      As I’m sure you know having had a wedding of your own, weddings are INSANELY expensive. I literally can’t include plus ones with all of my invites because if I included plus ones for every single person we would be WELL over 300 people and waaaaay out of budget. So yes I’m going to invite my 19-year-old cousin Betsy but not her “serious” boyfriend of 2 months, whatshisname…
      .
      Not to mention, getting plus one or not is NOT personal. The choice is ultimately up to the bride and groom, and it’s nothing AGAINST the couple if only one is invited. That’s the thing. My friend who got married a few years ago had a rule that she only invited significant others she or her husband knew personally and had met. They were right out of college and footing most of the bill themselves. It’s not them “disrespecting” the couples who weren’t invited as a social unit; it’s them being budget conscious and saving money. That’s all it is. It’s honestly kind of shocking to me that people get so worked up at going somewhere without their significant other…

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        Sunshine Brite May 8, 2015, 7:08 pm

        Yes, it varies so wildly. The summer Mr. Ginger and I started dating he had something like 6-8 weddings and eventually he’s like you want to go to so & so’s wedding and I’m like, do you even have a plus one? He’s like I dunno, probably. I’m like gah, do you even know the can of worms you just opened. Each of his friends had the space and he just clarified to see on the ones I could make with my schedule but it could’ve gotten super awkward.

        Link
      • avatar

        Sioux May 8, 2015, 7:32 pm

        I think if I’m taking time to celebrate with a newly married couple, to take the time and often money to travel, to present the couple with an appropriate gift, then yes I deserve to attend such an event with my spouse.

        I know people’s weddings “aren’t about me” but if you invite guests, your nearest and dearest then said guests deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.

        I can see my position is falling on deaf ears. I know weddings are expensive and stressful. As someone who paid for her own lavish one, I know it’s hard! But my opinion on the matter will always be, if you are ok treating your friend like this, why are they invited to your wedding in the first place?

        Link
  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark May 8, 2015, 7:04 pm

    LW1) Well, good to know that men can’t get just as pissy as women, I guess. Honestly? What’s the big deal? Frankly, I am amazed to many people even WANT to attend the weddings of people they don’t know as plus ones… To me you GFs freak out illustrates how immature she is how insecure she feels about your relationship.

    LW2) Ugh, the endless gift grab that is the modern american wedding. I hear you. As a single gay guy who will NEVER fucking get back the thousands he has shelled out — you have my permission to go wayyyyyyyy off the registry.

    LW3) Wendy nailed it.

    LW4) Yeah, just go and play it low key. A big dramatic reconciliation is clearly NOT in the cards anyway, so way push for one?

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Sioux May 8, 2015, 10:29 pm

    I can’t argue anymore, but I really hope this reached lurkers: http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1056849/which-is-the-worst-etiquette-mistake#latest

    If you don’t invite SOs, feelings will be hurt. It can end friendships. I share this opinion with many others.

    Reply Link
    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom May 9, 2015, 6:44 am

      Not inviting the entire fraternity could also hurt feelings and end friendships. You don’t seem to realize that there are all sorts of ways that feelings can be hurt. If this is the hill you want to die on so be it. Most other people don’t even see your hill let alone choose to die on it.

      Reply Link
    • Portia

      Portia May 9, 2015, 11:10 am

      “If you don’t invite SOs, feelings will be hurt. It can end friendships. I share this opinion with many others.”
      ^Reason I considered eloping. Then I thought, if my friends/family loves me and Bassanio and wants to share this day with us and celebrate, they won’t care and hold it over us. The ones who care more about etiquette than the two of us as people? I’d rather invite someone who’s excited/happy to be there regardless.

      Reply Link
  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom May 9, 2015, 6:40 am

    I’m wondering if LW1 is angry because his girlfriend is angry and what could make his girlfriend angry. Maybe she wants to get married and if they were married or even engaged she would automatically be invited. But, they aren’t married or engaged and so each time an invitation comes she is angry for being excluded. Not so much because she is excluded but because she isn’t automatically included due to their lack of marriage or engagement. If the underlying problem is a relationship problem he needs to address that issue. He does say that he isn’t close to the fraternity brother. If they aren’t close he can assume that if everyone got a plus one he would have been on the bottom half of the list of frat brothers who got cut from the guest list. If you aren’t close then don’t go but don’t make it about your girlfriend.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Ash January 16, 2017, 1:58 am

    Thanks For Sharing!

    Reply Link

Leave a Comment