Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Getting Personal: “I Lost My Best Friend to Another Woman”

Guest columnists and contributors are generously sharing their talents and insights while I’m taking some time to care for my new baby. Today’s post is another from anonymous writer, “Nancy Isaacson.”

It’s been almost one year since he and I last talked. I was in the car with my boyfriend. It was Christmas Eve. He was on speaker, and we awkwardly talked about his recent trip, how his mother was doing, holiday plans, work. He had made lots of apologies for being so MIA: work was busy; there was a lot going on. But I knew that it ultimately came down to his girlfriend not being okay with our friendship.

I suppose I understand – what woman wants the man she loves to be in touch with his ex? I once marveled at my wonderful boyfriend, expressing surprise that he was so accepting of this other man in my life – even reminding me to be patient with him when I was upset or suggesting celebratory gifts we should send when he was promoted. His words stuck with me: “You were together for six years. If it was going to work out, it would have worked out. But he helped make you the woman you are, and I love that woman.”

The ex is a wonderful man – kind, generous, intelligent, thoughtful, driven, charismatic… But after six years, we had settled into a best friendship. We wanted different lives, and we knew we wouldn’t find that happiness we both deserved with one another. It had always been a long distance relationship, and though we saw each other almost every weekend the breakup was easy … and inevitable. It was so clear to us both that the passion, the chemistry, the kind of love you want with a life partner had faded. Instead, it had become the kind of love you have for your family: unconditional, unyielding, comfortable.

Post breakup, we stayed in touch, talked regularly, and saw each other a few times a year when passing through each other’s cities. Not long after, I met my current boyfriend, but our friendship and closeness remained.

And then he met her.

It doesn’t matter that I live thousands of miles away. It doesn’t matter that I live with a wonderful man I intend to marry. It doesn’t matter that I love her boyfriend like a brother — that any sexual attraction we had died long before we broke up. All that matters is that I am another woman who is important to him, and apparently that’s not ok.

She forced him to choose, and he chose her.

Our last conversation didn’t provide any warning of what was to come. It was followed by fewer and fewer texts and instant messages promising to call, a voicemail on my birthday, getting sent straight to voicemail on his birthday, short responses to my emails, no replies when I called. And finally, within a few months, no contact at all.

I don’t begrudge him his choice, but it’s difficult wishing him happiness when there’s a small hole in my heart that nothing can fill. I imagine it’s like the loss one feels when losing a parent or sibling – there’s always the desire to reach out and share things with them, always the impetus to call, followed by the inevitable let down when you realize you can’t.

Through Facebook I found out that they moved in together. That his mother got married. That he’s taking wonderful vacations, and working too hard.

I don’t begrudge him his choice, but I often find myself maddeningly angry with him that he couldn’t convince her that I’m no threat. (The anger is easier than the sadness.) I remind myself that loving someone means wishing the best for them: sending them love through space and time; supporting their choices; and trusting a history of good judgment. So this holiday season I wish him joy, happiness, a Christmas tree that smells as good as mine … and a beautiful woman who loves him in the way that I could not.

51 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Carolynasaurus December 14, 2011, 12:05 pm

    This is a great piece, but the whole time I was reading it, I kept wondering about the advice that would have been given if the current girlfriend had written in, or if you had.

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  • avatar

    LTC039 December 14, 2011, 12:22 pm

    I had a situation similar to that, except I was first friends w/ the girl, then became really close with the guy (never dated him) & once THEY started dating, she forbode me from speaking to him & I lost both friendships… That was high school though, so it was more acceptable. I guess in my life, I have such a close relationship with my family (my parents, aunts, uncles, grandma, etc…) that I’ve never put too much importance on friendships. I’ve been through many diff. “best friends” & we’ve parted ways with little remorse on my end.
    I guess this person was pretty much family to her….But yeah, I wonder what the girlfriend’s side is?

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  • avatar

    bethany December 14, 2011, 12:46 pm

    My husband still has occasional contact with his x, and I said the same thing that the author’s boyfriend said. He dated her for 4+ years, so she must be a good person, and without her, he never would have become the man he became. So I respect her and the relationship he chooses to have with her.

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  • avatar

    Kerrycontrary December 14, 2011, 12:48 pm

    I do like this essay because I can relate to it. I’m slowly losing one of my only good friends from my hometown because his wife has always viewed me as a threat, even though I’ve never made a move on him since they’ve known each other. He invited me to their wedding because I’m one of his only good friends left from home, and she wouldn’t say hi to me there. I hope if she gets to know me she’ll see that I don’t see him like that. That being said…The writer of this should realize that perhaps her ex’s girlfriend now fills the role that she used to so he no longer needs her. He probably still confided in her for so long after their breakup because they were best friends during their relationship. Now that he has a woman in his life who is his new best friend, he wouldn’t hang on to the old one. The writer also needs to realize that the new woman in his life realized that confiding in her (the writer) took away from some of the intimacy of their new relationship. He made his choice, and while it’s unfortunate that both sides have to lose a friend, they both chose who they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with and it wasn’t each other. I don’t ehar of many exes (from serious relationships) that stay close friends for the rest of their lives.

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    • avatar

      silver_dragon_girl December 14, 2011, 12:58 pm

      That’s exactly what I was thinking. Sometimes we stay friends with exes and they continue to fill our need for intimacy, even though we’re moving on to other romantic partners. But I think once a new relationship reaches a certain point, you need to shift your intimacy towards that person, instead of continuing to confide so deeply in the ex. It’s very sad that this results in the loss of friendship (even if it’s not a complete loss of contact, just a loss of emotional depth), but I think it’s sort of the natural progression of things. Perhaps some people are capable of sustaining multiple deep, intimate relationships of that level. I know I’m not one of them!

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      • FireStar

        FireStar December 14, 2011, 1:40 pm

        I totally agree. I “lost” most of my guy friends when they became serious with their girlfriends because ultimately they didn’t need me to fulfill the role of the female confidant anymore since the girlfriends were fulfilling that role. I think it is natural. You generally have less time to devote to intense friendships when you are building a life with someone else too. You can still be friends – just the dynamic changes and you are not as close.
        Also, the new woman may become suspicious when she sees how strongly the “friend” is trying to hang on to the friendship with her boyfriend… and then the whole thing just has the opposite effect of what was intended. I find if you are just accepting of it there is a natural lull in the friendship but ultimately you get to keep your guy friend – and may even make a new female friend over time.

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    • mandalee

      mandalee December 14, 2011, 1:37 pm

      I think this is a great explanation of what happens. My husband had a girl friend that he dated for a few months years before me and they hung out with best friends before he met me. However, once we started dating, he slowly stopped relying on her for things. She used to be his Thursday dinner date, but well, he had a girlfriend now, so that stopped. I never forced the ending of their friendship, but it was actually *her* who say me as a threat to their friendship, and my husband didn’t appreciate that. We got married years after they stopped talking, and I heard from many people that I was to blame for why she wasn’t invited. When really that wasn’t the case. Their friendship had its season, and then it ended. We all have friendships that don’t last forever, they serve their purpose, and that’s it. Why would a friendship with an ex be any different?

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  • avatar

    Ktfran December 14, 2011, 12:57 pm

    How incredibly sad Nancy. With that being said, you are an awesome person and very kind.

    I’m going through somthing similar and it is heartbreaking. While living in Florida, my best friend was male. We started working at the same firm only months apart. For five years, we would hang out, help one another, joke. It’s like were were brother and sister and he helped me through a few difficult times. We even traveled together more than once. There were never romantic feelings between us. I moved away and we kept in touch. Last year, he started dating someone. I was so happy for him. I visit once a year and usually stay with him a night or two. I met the girlfriend. She was super nice. We all got along. I thought nothing of it. Then the e-mails stopped. He cut off contact. The only thing I can contribute this to is the girlfriend. Other than that, nothing has changed. I don’t even get excuses. Just nothing. And it sucks. I still sent a bithday card and I sent a Christmas card. I can’t help it. He was one of my closest friends. Eventually I’ll stop. But right now, I still hope that he’ll get a hold of me again. That will fade.

    I don’t understand why this happens. If this boy and I wanted to be together, we could have. But we didn’t want that. We were friends. Why must some feel threatened by platonic, opposite sex friendships? They can, and do happen. I find it sad that people are so untrusting and insecure. I choose not to live my life that way. But I guess to each their own.

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    • katie

      katie December 14, 2011, 10:18 pm

      i completely agree. its very sad, it just makes me think how pitiful their lives must be. my boyfriend just sent his ex’s whole family a christmas card along with our pile to the rest of our family and friends, and my christmas card from my ex’s family is hanging up next to my future mother in law’s…..

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  • avatar

    Colleen December 14, 2011, 1:01 pm

    “Anger is easier than sadness…” I’m discovering that is true in my own life right now. I think that anger is easier because I can blame someone else, because I have a target at which to be angry. I’m angry because I’m sad because I’m hurt. Acknowledging that hurt makes me sit with my own bruised feelings. Anger often seems easier than that.

    Thanks for sharing.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest December 14, 2011, 1:33 pm

      In the end, it won’t be better to be angry though.
      But I agree, anger is way easier than sadness.

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      • avatar

        amber December 14, 2011, 1:37 pm

        i think sometimes people need to be angry for a little while in order to get over something, specifically break ups. like you said it’s not good to be angry forever. but, it may be what you need to get over the hump. and then you can let go of that anger.

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  • avatar

    grendel December 14, 2011, 1:02 pm

    So in the letter when the guy had to choose between his fiance and his male friend, it was a foregone conclusion that he should choose his fiance, but if his partner wants him to choose between her and a female friend, the right answer isn’t so clear?

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    • avatar

      Aaron December 14, 2011, 1:13 pm

      … what?

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      • avatar

        grendel December 14, 2011, 1:16 pm

        Which part of my single sentence comment confuses you?

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      • avatar

        Aaron December 14, 2011, 1:36 pm

        Reading below clarified. I hadn’t seen a previous letter of a similar situation, and your comment didn’t explicitly allude to two separate letters; I was trying to figure out where the first situation had been mentioned in “the letter.”

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      • avatar

        GingerLaine December 14, 2011, 2:44 pm

        Yeah, no worries, Aaron. The situations are in no way similar, so it wasn’t anything you missed so much as someone else making a real stretch to try to get the point across that we’re all man-haters here.

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    • avatar

      amber December 14, 2011, 1:21 pm

      i think in that letter you are referring to people were saying that the friend had done something to create a wedge between the lw and the fiancee. versus this letter where the writer didn’t *do* anything, the fiancee just didn’t approve of their friendship. or maybe the gf sees something in the friendship that the writer doesn’t, maybe she thinks that her bf secretly holds a torch for the friend still and she think they shouldn’t be friends. people make these sorts of decisions all the time, letting go of friends that no longer fit with their current life. however, these right answers aren’t clear or easy to make. much different than letting drama affect your relationship.

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      • MELH

        MELH December 14, 2011, 1:28 pm

        Ok in that letter it was choosing bewteen his fiance and a male friend who had clearly overstayed his welcome in their home. that is not the same thing as completely disappearing from a friend’s life because of your fiance. if that letter had said my fiance doesn’t want me to hang out with my friend anymore, the advice would have been different.

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      • MELH

        MELH December 14, 2011, 1:28 pm

        Oops that was supposed to be a reply to grendel…

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    • avatar

      MKS13 December 14, 2011, 1:30 pm

      I don’t think it’s fair to claim that the answer would have been clear if the friend had been male. It’s always a matter of the role someone plays in your life. If the friend had just been some random dude that the fiance didn’t like yea it would have to be the fiance.
      But if it’s your best friend who you’ve grown up with or has been in your life for a number of years (e.g. the lw’s situation) then it’s usually not fair for a newly entered partner to demand an end to the friendship (regardless of gender) without a solid reason.

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark December 14, 2011, 1:44 pm

      Hah! I was going to bring this up myself, but am feeling lazy today… Kudos to you, Grendel.

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    • avatar

      MJ December 14, 2011, 6:35 pm

      She’s NOT LIVING IN THEIR HOME. For a year. Dear lord, there’s a huge difference in the two situations.

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      • avatar

        Nadine December 15, 2011, 8:28 am

        This is also a personal essay, not a request for advice. Big difference.

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  • genevathene

    PallasAthena December 14, 2011, 1:39 pm

    I’ve been thinking about platonic male-female friendships a lot, especially after some recent discussions about this video on Reddit (not the most fantastic place on the Internet, I agree, but bear with me): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA&sns=fb

    While the video could definitely have been edited to suit the creator’s personal opinion, it opened my eyes. Many of us here on DW seem to be women. What if the platonic male friendships we have, and strongly defend, aren’t entirely platonic on the other side?

    I had a guy friend that I met in high school at a geeky tech conference. Though we lived many states apart, we continued our friendship regardless. We openly thought of ourselves as siblings, and helped each other out when one or the other had boyfriend/girlfriend questions or concerns. Six years into our friendship, he tells me he was actually interested in dating me all this time, but was waiting until we lived closer to each other. I felt so betrayed! Especially since he had a steady girlfriend for half the time we had known each other!

    Part of me wants to chalk this up to an unfortunate blip in the reality of healthy male-female friendships, but it’s admittedly made me skeptical. While I’m sad for the author — heck, I’m sad for losing the friendship I thought I had — I wonder if maybe we women can be a little oblivious to what really goes on. :/

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    • avatar

      Me December 14, 2011, 2:04 pm

      oh mannnn that video made me sit back and evaluate all of my friendships with guys, and seriously? heebie jeebies. My best guy friend and I have known each other for 19 years, we used to have sleepovers when we were younger, and he is like my brother. I would swear up and down that he doesn’t think of me as anything more than a sister, and would probably have a stroke if he suggested otherwise.

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      • Will.i.am

        Will.i.am December 14, 2011, 5:21 pm

        I’m a male and I can honestly tell you I only have one true female friend. And by friend, I do mean one that I never kissed or dated, and we can confide in each other with information. At the same time, our friendship works just like the LW’s. When either of us got in a relationship, our friendship would lose its steam.

        I always felt men and women that had a lot of opposite sex friends, were just into the attention they got from them. Every girl I’ve ran into that had a lot of guy friends, either kissed, slept with, and/or dated 75% of the guys. They would tend to use the excuse that they wouldn’t get along with girls, but got along better with guys. Of course you do, guys are naturally attracted to women that like the same activities they do.

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    • avatar

      John Rohan December 14, 2011, 4:54 pm

      I was about to bring up this very point, and you got to it first. Does anyone remember that scene in “When Harry Met Sally“, where Harry explains why men and women can’t be just friends? Basically it’s because men think of sex constantly, and eventually the man always wants to sleep with the woman, even if she is ugly. (I suppose gay men would be the exception). I thought it was a funny exaggeration. But later in life my own experiences have only reinforced what Harry said. Once when I did a real hard look at all the real female friends I’ve ever had, it dawned on me that all of them crossed beyond friendship at some point or another. Either I became interested in her, or she became interested in me, or we became friends after we had already been romantic.

      The other problem is human nature. The women in this forum all seem sympathetic to the LW, but be honest here – jealousy is fairly natural. If your own boyfriend/husband became good friends with a woman, I’m pretty sure almost all of you would secretly seethe at it or openly freak out about it.

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    • avatar

      DebMoore December 14, 2011, 7:30 pm

      I had the same thing happen to me. Good friends, openly called each other siblings till one day he admitted he had been in love with me the whole time. Threw me for a loop! I didn’t react very well (I was really floored) and after that our freindship changed and eventually died. It was a bummer.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark December 14, 2011, 1:39 pm

    Be angry at her, not him. She is the controlling insecure one.

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    • genevathene

      PallasAthena December 14, 2011, 1:42 pm

      True, but if the author meant more to him, he would have chosen to either leave the gf or convince her that the author is a harmless friend. So I still think the author is justified at being angry at him, instead.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark December 14, 2011, 1:46 pm

        Right. Because crazy, deranged and hopelessly insecure indivuals (which is precisely what this woman has to be in order to make such a pathetic demand of her boyfriend) are just so damn easy to convince. They are so willing to listen to reason and are always, always looking to follow both logic and common sense.

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      • mandalee

        mandalee December 14, 2011, 2:01 pm

        While some women are extremely insecure and hopeless, we really can’t say that’s the case in this situation. We don’t know if the best friend was holding on way too tightly to this friendship as time moved on, and that caused alarm in the girlfriend and probably her best guy friend also. She mentions that her boyfriend helped her when she was upset, so maybe her response was enough to send off warning bells.

        I am not insecure at all in my relationship, but had something similar happen with my now-husband’s best girl friend. I didn’t mind their relationship at all, and encouraged, until we moved away and we got serious, and she became incredibly clingy. She couldn’t accept her place in his life anymore and freaked us both out.

        So, what I’m saying, is not every ex best friendship dissolves because the girlfriend is woefully insecure.

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      • avatar

        LW December 14, 2011, 7:41 pm

        ** To clarify, if you re-read, I was talking about my CURRENT boyfriend helping me when I was upset… definitely not relying on the ex for emotional support, etc.

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      • avatar

        Yammy December 14, 2011, 9:39 pm

        I got that part of it but I was a bit confused by what you meant by upset. Did you mean the ex had done something to upset you or you were upset about something unrelated and the ex was just grating on your nerves or something?

        Other than that one part though, this is a nice piece. I think many of us can relate to this sort of situation. Thanks for sharing!

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    • FireStar

      FireStar December 14, 2011, 1:49 pm

      I don’t think the situation calls for anger but wouldn’t you be angry at the person who chose to walk away from your friendship if you are going to be mad at anyone? There is no point in being mad at someone who had no connection to you. It’s like when women get mad at the other woman for a cheating husband. The husband is the one who had the relationship with you – direct your anger there. He is the one that made the choice that hurt you. The other woman is nothing to you.

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      • avatar

        Shamawa December 14, 2011, 2:20 pm

        Yes, this! How does the LW even know that it wasn’t the male friend who decided to scale back on the communication? She does say that “she forced him to choose, and he chose her”, but how does she know this if they haven’t been communicating, and if during their last phone call she didn’t know the split was coming…isn’t she just getting mad at the wrong person for ending the friendship? The gf may be insecure, and she may have asked her bf to end ties with the LW, but does the LW *really* know that that is the case, or is this a bit of projecting?

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  • avatar

    Sasha December 14, 2011, 2:29 pm

    This is beautiful and heart-breaking. Thank you for sharing.

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  • avatar

    Rei December 14, 2011, 2:42 pm

    Heh, the funniest time I ever lost a guy friend (we’re friends again since he broke up with his ex) was because she didn’t want him to talk to me. Why? Apparently (actual quote), “My tits are too nice.” That’s nutty right there!
    But your situation is much sadder and I’m very sorry for your loss.

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  • avatar

    Melanie December 14, 2011, 3:03 pm

    I’m purely going off of my own feelings here but this:

    “there’s always the desire to reach out and share things with them, always the impetus to call, followed by the inevitable let down when you realize you can’t.”

    I typically don’t feel that “empty feeling” unless the person I’ve lost was my love. I, at one point, lost my best friend to her now husband and while I was sad about it; it was never that ” small hole in my heart that nothing can fill”. Just struck me as a little odd. I’m not really sure how others in similar situations feel though.

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  • Jess

    Jess of CityGirlsWorld.com December 14, 2011, 3:25 pm

    Good essay and I think it captures the difficulties many of us have in losing someone that was once so much a part of our lives.

    I have been through a nearly identical situation with an ex. He’s married with a child now. I have a boyfriend that I live with. We live an ocean apart and he’s drifted into a no contact zone which makes me sad. We’re both happy and have found new love. Why can’t we at least have the occasional coffee or phone call to check in and wish each other well?

    Last year I was in his part of the world (WITH my current boyfriend) for the first time in years. I really wanted to meet and see him after all those years. But, he dodged me left and right and eventually I gave up (not wanting to be a stalker!).

    This brings to mind a great sentiment. I too wish my ex, his wife, and their daughter well. I hope they are happy and content.

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  • avatar

    Calle December 14, 2011, 3:47 pm

    This was interesting to me. While I had a friend with an irrational gf, I can also sympathize with the significant others of people in very close opposite sex friendships. I sometimes believe that people are set in their ways and don’t realize that friendships evolve. I have a few close male friends and my friendship evolved with them once we were all in relationships. No more frequent 11:00 pm phone calls or dinners with just one guy and me. It turned it to more coffee/lunch meet ups, less phone calls and texts, more group dinners, and that was okay. I think all of us kind of unconsciously made that decision that we wanted to devote a little more time to our significant others and that we could do that without detracting from our friendships. After all, you only have so many hours in a day.

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  • leilani

    leilani December 14, 2011, 4:45 pm

    I worried about a similar situation happening to me. I was with my ex for 5 years, and while we had a very unhealthy relationship in many ways, we love each other unconditionally. Since we broke up, we have stayed very close, even though both of us are dating other people now. He has a lot of personal problems and I am a huge part of his support system, and I know I could count on him for anything–he truly is my best friend. I can, see, however, that my new boyfriend is getting progressively more and more uncomfortable with our closeness. He said he was totally all right with it in the beginning, and he still hasn’t said outright that he doesn’t like it, but I can see him bristle a bit when my phone rings and its my ex-boyfrend–again. He has made a few offhand comments about him being a bit too close, and I’m really scared that it might come to a point where I have to choose. It would be devastating for me to lose my ex as a friend, but I don’t really know if its wise to choose to my ex-boyfriend over a guy I could potentially have a future with….eh, rough stuff.

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    • avatar

      Calle December 15, 2011, 6:53 am

      I kind of discussed this before. One of my closest friends is a guy and I am a big believer in being friends with men. At the same time, I think whether your friendship is with a man or woman change is necessary at times. It is a tough situation but I think friendships have to evolve sometimes. I have a few guy friends and while were are still close our friendships have stopped functioning in the following manner. For example, T used to call me or I would call him and suggest we grab Mexican food and and drinks after work on Fridays because we work really close to one another. It became an almost weekly thing. However, we both currently have serious significant others and have stopped this tradition. Fridays are usually date nights for most people, so we have occasionally grabbed dinner as we used to but we ALWAYS invite our so’s…We tend to spend our Fridays nights with our significant others and grab a coffee or lunch together instead during the week. To be frank, I would feel wrong having dinner on a Friday night mano on mano with another guy on a frequent basis and I would feel a little weirded out if my boyfriend was in a similar situation. Maybe it is not “hip” to think that way, but I think a lot of people have limits about certain things. This guy might be your best friend but you can’t be his therapist or the number one girl in his life when you have a boyfriend. What happens if you dump the boyfriend but get a super time consuming job? Are you going to spend what free time you have consoling your ex? My point is, if it Friday night and your friend calls you when you are with your boyfriend and this is frequent you have to set some boundaries. If it is a serious relationship, the relationship with the guy should be given a little more weight than the relationship with the ex. If this is someone you think you might marry, he is going to end up coming first. Most people put their husband/wife/domestic partner and family before their friends.

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  • avatar

    LW December 14, 2011, 4:56 pm

    LW here… a couple comments / points of clarification:

    – For a year after they started dating, we kept talking… she was never okay with the friendship, but he tried to explain, reason, etc., and we had a couple conversations about the fact that she didn’t want me calling him on his birthday (??), didn’t like that I sent his mom a Christmas card, etc… It was pretty clear that it was her choice, not his.

    – I’m not angry at her, or really even at him – I’m just sad… I miss my friend

    – Re: the comments about intimacy, etc… Our conversations weren’t particularly intimate… We caught up on work, travel plans, talked about what our friends, families were up to – fairly shallow conversations… Not exactly sharing hopes, dreams, fears… Certainly nothing that would take the place of a significant other. I also live thousands of miles away from him, so it’s not like we would see each other, run errands together, or fill that role for each other in any other way

    – I’m not looking for him to call every day, or anything like that… I’d just like to catch up, be able to call him when I got a promotion he knew I’d really wanted, let him know that my uncle (who he’s spent a lot of time with and got along famously with) has cancer… Wish him a happy birthday, and a Merry Christmas… I would have liked to have passed along my best wishes to his mom when she got re-married, and hear about his excitement at moving in with the ex. In short, I just want to still have him in my life, in the same way all my other good friends are.

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    • landygirl

      Landygirl December 14, 2011, 5:19 pm

      I find it very sad that this girl (I won’t call her a woman because she doesn’t seem mature enough) is so insecure that she doesn’t want this person to keep in contact with you. On a side note, yes she influenced him but he is the one that made the choice to cut things off and that stings. You think that you mean something to someone only to find out later that you don’t mean as much as you thought you did.

      Over this past year I have lost contact with longtime friends who have chosen to cut themselves off from me due to their own issues. As sad as I am about that, there is nothing I can do but move on with my life and cherish the friendships I do have. As sad as you are, you need to re-set your mind set regarding this guy because the deal is done.

      I hope that it eventually gets easier for you, I know it hurts.

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  • avatar

    the other guy December 14, 2011, 9:21 pm

    I make a point of only ever being friendly with my friends wives, never friends for a very good reason, to avoid any issue of crossing boundaries.

    All male/female friendships are prone to one or both parties developing feelings at some stage.

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  • avatar

    lexie.b December 15, 2011, 12:37 am

    I could’ve written this, change the length of the relationship and you’ve got my story.

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  • avatar

    Nadine December 15, 2011, 8:37 am

    This just makes me thankful all over again that my best guy friend (with whom, yes, there is some history) not only introduced me to my boyfriend, but is now dating pretty much the best girl in the world, and through him I get to be friends with her, which is a real delight.

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  • avatar

    Yatty December 15, 2011, 11:38 am

    This hit close to home for me. One of my only good guy friends from college went MIA as soon as he met his now serious girlfriend. I was mostly upset because when I started dating my BF I made sure he knew my friendship with this guy was non-negotiable. I just felt sad that he didn’t do the same for me. I think the disappointment in these situations lies in the fact that you realize the friend didn’t value the friendship as much as you may have.

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    Jay December 15, 2011, 12:18 pm

    It’s been a long time, MOA! And from the relationship I mean. People don’t necessarily remain friends no matter how long they’ve been dating. She is probably the woman he is going to marry and it only makes sense that she is the most important in his life. Of course he cares about her happiness. It is your boyfriend’s duty to make you happy, not his. 😛

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