Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Google Search Questions, Vol. III: “Do Birthday Threesomes Actually Happen?”

I’m always amused by the different questions people type into their Google browser to end up at my site, so much so that I created a feature in which I address some of those very questions. After the jump, check out what’s on the minds of inquiring people this month, Including whether birthday threesomes actually happen.
 

 

1. How do I tell him I’m fat?

I assume you haven’t met in person yet — if you have, um, this probably isn’t an admission you have to point out to him — in which case you should simply send him a current full-length shot. You could attach a note, like: “Here I am on the 4th of July!” or something.

2. Why am I such an idiot?

I suspect it has something to do with all that tequila you drank last night.

3. Do all white girls have sex before marriage?

You’ve never been to Utah, have you?

4. Am I my boyfriend’s mother?

Oh God, I hope not.

5. Should I accept my ex’s friend request on Facebook?

Only if you happen to be — or have any interest in being — friends in real life.

6. Who was Jim’s neighbor’s boyfriend?

Carl.

7. Is it normal for guys to be sexually attracted to their sisters?

Only if their sisters are Angelina Jolie, I guess.

8. Do birthday threesomes actually happen?

I’m sure they occasionally do, but I suspect they happen much, much less frequently in reality than they do in fantasy.

9. Can you get pregnant if a guy has sex with your friend without a condom?

Only if you lie on your back afterward and pedal your legs in the air really fast while singing “Macarena.”

10. What do you call someone who is too opinionated?

Hmm… an advice columnist, maybe? An internet commenter? A political TV or radio talk show host? The fashion police? Mother-in-laws? Wedding guests? People who have ever been pregnant and had babies before you? Your neighbors? Your office-mate at your last job? People who went to boarding school? People who blog for a living? Lawyers? The guy you sat next to on your last transcontinental flight? The lady at the dry cleaners? Your grandma?

48 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Addie Pray July 8, 2011, 12:16 pm

    Ha! This was funny. Wendy, I want a google search questions answered every Friday. (Please).

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    • Dear Wendy

      Wendy July 8, 2011, 1:59 pm

      I’m thinking once a month from now on. They’re fun to do.

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    • avatar

      Jshizzle July 8, 2011, 10:43 pm

      You absolutely have to keep doing this Wendy, Ann Landers would totally do it.

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  • avatar

    applescruff July 8, 2011, 12:26 pm

    I recently learned that here in Utah, people have “non-committal make-outs,” or NCMOs (nick-moes). The students I work with tell me this is an important part of BYU culture, and the Mormon version of a one-night stand.

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    • avatar

      spaceboy761 July 8, 2011, 12:37 pm

      I’m not sure if this is hilarious or sad.

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        kerrycontrary July 8, 2011, 12:45 pm

        I vote hilarious

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      • Budj

        Budjer July 8, 2011, 12:45 pm

        Both.

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      • avatar

        artsygirl July 8, 2011, 1:29 pm

        sadly hilarious or hilariously sad? similar to the orange/red or red/orange dilemma which has plagued crayola for decades

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    • avatar

      ReginaRey July 8, 2011, 1:31 pm

      God that is so lame. One of my good friends is Mormon, and bless her, I just don’t get it. She went from JUST starting to date a guy in November to being married the following May, and now they have a baby. And he just graduated. I guess they get married so fast out of sheer horniness.

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      • avatar

        applescruff July 8, 2011, 1:34 pm

        I have never seen so many babies on a college campus as I have since I’ve lived here. And pregnant girls…who MEANT to get pregnant. It’s a totally different culture out here.

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      • avatar

        spaceboy761 July 8, 2011, 2:41 pm

        So are they serious about the no sex policy? Like can a guy get a handy, or what?

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        ReginaRey July 8, 2011, 2:47 pm

        I’m going to assume that most Mormon girls have not seen or otherwise handled an erect penis until their wedding night. Can you imagine the wedding night? You’re imagining magic and unicorns and you get 30 seconds of pain and extreme awkwardness.

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      • avatar

        sarolabelle July 8, 2011, 2:58 pm

        30 seconds! LOL!

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      • avatar

        MissDre July 8, 2011, 3:17 pm

        It’s so true… haha

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      • avatar

        ReginaRey July 8, 2011, 3:30 pm

        Haha yes, 30 seconds. At least that’s what my joyous initiation was like.

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      • avatar

        Rachelgrace53 July 8, 2011, 4:42 pm

        Be glad yours was 30 seconds… Mine took forever and I was crying in pain…

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      • avatar

        G July 8, 2011, 4:00 pm

        Not to be all Sally Serious here. It’s not the life I have chosen… but maybe there is a lot of happiness in this way they chose to live? I think to only be with one person your whole life is sort of a beautiful idea. My life certainly took a different path, but kudos to them if it works!

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      • katie

        katie July 8, 2011, 7:19 pm

        a beautiful idea, yes? but in reality….. i dont know if it works out that way.

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      • katie

        katie July 8, 2011, 7:19 pm

        i didnt mean a question mark after that yes.

        as in, yes it is a beautiful idea.

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph July 8, 2011, 11:57 pm

        Speaking as a semi observant Jew with some very orthodox friends who do the same thing.. it absolutely does work but their expectations and goals are different. Being in love is secondary to living a godly life and raising children.
        It’s not wrong or right, its just not for me. I want to be madly in love with my husband.

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  • avatar

    Calliopedork July 8, 2011, 12:26 pm

    Once I typed “why does… ” into google on my boyfriends computer. It auto populated “why does my girlfriend hate me?”. He was sitting right next to me and got really embarrassed. It was hilarious

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      Riefer July 8, 2011, 3:41 pm

      Oh man, I just tried that now on my own machine. First was “why does my eye twitch”, and second was “why does my mom turn me on”!!!!!!!!!!! What the? Are they in order of most common search terms, because if so, then that’s pretty messed up.

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      • avatar

        Fairhaired Child July 11, 2011, 9:15 am

        type in “why is there” in your google search 😉

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      Sailorbabe July 8, 2011, 3:51 pm

      EPIC!

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    • avatar

      ncp July 8, 2011, 5:29 pm

      I didn’t even get that far. I typed in “why” and the first one was “why is the sky blue”. Second? “why do men cheat”.

      Although I had to laugh at “why is my poop green”.

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  • avatar

    spaceboy761 July 8, 2011, 12:31 pm

    Sometimes I take my wife’s laptop, type ‘secret vascetomy’ in my wife’s Google browser, and walk out of the room.

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    kerrycontrary July 8, 2011, 12:44 pm

    haha! I have a blog as well (www.kerrycontrary.blogspot.com) and I love the searches that take people to my site. such as “What’s stuck to my biore nose strip”

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      MsMisery July 11, 2011, 9:05 am

      I have a blog, too. Sorry if this is a n00b question, but how do you figure out what searches people use to end up at your site?

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  • avatar

    sweetleaf July 8, 2011, 12:46 pm

    “Am I my boyfriends mother?” made me laugh so hard!

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    BoomChakaLaka July 8, 2011, 12:49 pm

    6. Who was Jim’s neighbor’s boyfriend?

    Carl.

    This is why I love you Wendy! Please do these more often!!!

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  • avatar

    SGMcG July 8, 2011, 1:11 pm

    I can spend a good hour going onto Google and typing words to see what are the most popular searches. For example, if I type the word “Is”, Google search will automatially prompt as first “Is kevjumba a heterosexual bear wrestler?” I didn’t even know that this is a question I should ask myself?!?

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    TheOtherMe July 8, 2011, 1:41 pm

    OMG i just started typing “Why… and the # 3 search was “Why is my poop green” gotta love Google !

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      NOLAGirl July 8, 2011, 1:51 pm

      Hah…its my number 5. I wonder how it figures?

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      Bethany July 8, 2011, 1:54 pm

      It’s # 6 for me, and right under it is “Why do men cheat”

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      Rachelgrace53 July 8, 2011, 4:46 pm

      “Why is a raven like a writing desk” is third under “why is…”
      People google the most ridiculous and hilarious things! What part of the name “the mad hatter” makes people think that question has an answer???

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    • Firegirl32

      Firegirl32 July 11, 2011, 10:35 am

      It’s my #2! …no punintended… 🙂

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    Greebo July 8, 2011, 2:31 pm

    I saw this and tried typing “Can I get” into Google and got autocomplete suggetions including “Can I get pregnant from a dog”. I am afraid. I am very afraid.

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      MissDre July 8, 2011, 2:52 pm

      Oh lord I just saw “can i eat my period” …. WTF???

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        melikeycheesecake July 8, 2011, 3:39 pm

        Nasty but hilarious!!!!

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        Riefer July 8, 2011, 3:42 pm

        And? What’s the answer? LOL

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    LTC039 July 8, 2011, 1:52 pm

    God help the school systems!

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    MissDre July 8, 2011, 3:18 pm

    I also just found “Why does my mom turn me on” …. Eeep!

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      TheOtherMe July 8, 2011, 3:22 pm

      Teehee …. I think we could do this ALL DAY !! 🙂

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    SGMcG July 8, 2011, 4:33 pm

    Typing “Is just” gets you all sorts of questions:

    Is justin bieber gay
    Is justin bieber dating selena gomez (they also ask “Is justin bieber married to selena gomez)
    Is justin bieber a virgin
    Is justin bieber coming
    Is justin bieber a christian
    Is justin bieber in jail
    Is justin bieber dead
    Is justin bieber jewish

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    LTC039 July 8, 2011, 3:57 pm

    Just typed “How come…” & got:

    *How come I’m dead
    *How come I can’t get wet
    *How come I look different in pictures

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    Greebo July 8, 2011, 5:11 pm

    Try “Is it normal”. I got “Is it normal to eat your period blood” and “Is it normal to be sexually attracted to numbers”.

    “Is it normal to e” gets “…eat boogers” and “eat your poop”. “Is it normal to k” gets “…to kiss your dog”

    “Why do z” = “Why do zombies eat brains?” “Why do zombies drop feathers?” (Huh?) “Why do zippers say ykk”

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  • katie

    katie July 8, 2011, 7:23 pm

    ok, wait, lemme get this straight… these are questions people at their house have typed into google, and DW pops up on the search results?

    i get it some of them (i actually think i remember the letters they would have pulled the words from), but who is Jim’s neighbor’s friend??? what the heck is that???

    people are so weird.

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  • avatar

    Irina G July 11, 2011, 10:56 am

    Hah! This is really funny, but I must say Birthday threesomes DO happen. I gave my guy a FFM threesome for HIS Bday in December and in return I got a MMF threesome for my Bday in March. They were really fun! 🙂

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