Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“He Canceled Our June Wedding and Already Has a New Girlfriend”

Broken heart

About two months ago, my then-fiancé canceled our upcoming June wedding. Well, first he postponed it, saying he wanted to work on things and that still loved me and wouldn’t fall out of love with me, and then a week later, saying he had no feelings when we kissed, he ended the relationship. We own a home together, so I am in the process of getting a separation agreement and getting bought out of the home we share. I have reasons to believe he was pursuing someone for a while. He knew her since high school and never talked about her, but I recently saw her cover photo pic on Facebook of both of them looking cozy and holding hands, which makes me think it’s official. He got this new girlfriend so very quickly that he must have been at least emotionally cheating on me or wanting to take a chance on her while still investing in our future.

He called everything off and broke up with me because of my spending habits. I owed a measly 2K on my credit card, and he said he wanted a debt-free life and someone with more status and intelligence. He should have told me when he was unhappy back in January before we sent out wedding invitations in March!! But he didn’t because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings.

Anyway, we still live together and he was with her this past weekend. But when I returned home from a cottage Sunday evening, we ended up fooling around, so he cheated on her I assume. It was just plain physical, even for me. I think he’s disgusting because he didn’t even fight for me and ended our engagement to find something new and shiny while he kept telling me that, while he isn’t ready to handle another girl, he is missing something with me and trying to figure it out and you never know about the future. Now I wonder if she even knows he’s still living with me.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I am tempted to write her and let her know he was with me this past weekend. I mean, I don’t owe her anything, but I would like to see him suffer a little. — Jilted

I’m so sorry about your broken engagement. Your hurt and anger and confusion are understandable, and they are practically palpable in your letter. But it will get better. You will get over this and move on, and, if you don’t let walls build up around your heart, you can find great love. Better love than what you had with your ex. But you can’t let walls build up. And you can’t let anger and resentment get the best of you. And you can’t focus on revenge or the desire to see the man who hurt you suffer, however tempting that might be. The desire is normal, of course, but it won’t get you anywhere. It won’t make you feel better in the long run. It won’t bring you closer to happiness.

What will bring you closer to happiness is moving through the pain because on the other side is forgiveness and joy and acceptance. On the other side of your pain is the rest of your life, and the course you take through your pain will determine so much about where the rest of your life will lead you. On this side of the pain, when everything is still so raw, I recommend surrounding yourself with people who lift you up. I recommend not looking at your ex’s Facebook page and not reaching out to the woman you think is his new girlfriend. I recommend accepting that people, even people we love/d and trust/ed, are flawed, sometimes deeply so, but their flaws or the imperfect way they love and treat us isn’t a reflection of our own worth or the limits of what we deserve.

I recommend not sleeping with your ex anymore and creating as much space between you and him as you can, even if it means crashing on a friend’s couch or in a loved one’s guest room for a while. In that space, surrounded by love and looking forward, you will be in the best place to find forgiveness. And forgiveness is really what will set you free. Finding forgiveness in the course of your pain can give you a pretty amazing start to the rest of your life. And you deserve that.

***************

Follow along on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

43 comments… add one
  • avatar

    joanna June 4, 2014, 9:13 am

    Quit looking at Facebook. Seriously, it helps. Facebook pages are one big pot of narcissism- look at me, look at me, LOOK AT ME! Just refuse to play that game.

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  • Addie Pray

    Addie Pray June 4, 2014, 9:16 am

    WWS. Also, another reason not to reach out to his girlfriend? People are nuts. NUTS! You have no idea how she’ll react, and you could find yourself to be the target of a very angry, vengeful crazy woman. I think in situations like this it’s best to just quietly walk away from that mess.

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  • BriarRose

    BriarRose June 4, 2014, 9:24 am

    Um, that totally sucks. I seriously feel for you. How awful!!
    .
    Sorry to share my personal story (again) but maybe you’ll find some similarities/solace in it. My then-husband of 5 years was gone for 6 months for work training. Came home and the first night told me he loved me but wasn’t happy. Next night said he didn’t love me anymore and wanted a divorce. Was hanging out with a “friend” from the training all the time. Yet was still living with me and wanted to have sex because he was “confused”. It dragged on for a long, painful time (because we had a child together and I didn’t want to walk away so quickly) but we eventually divorced. I have no idea what became of his “friend” but she’s no longer in the picture. I moved to a different town, got a better job, met an infinitely better man….the whole 9 yards. I look back now and realize the divorce was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Why would I want to be with someone who would treat me and our marriage with such nonchalance? I imagine someday you’ll feel the same way too. Right now though, feel free to be mad/hurt/furious/heartbroken.
    .
    Just don’t contact the other girl. I texted the “friend” in my case once, and it just infuriated my then-husband and made things worse.

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  • avatar

    for_cutie June 4, 2014, 9:28 am

    I know right now there does not feel like a bright side to this, but at least you were not married. While there are things you are dealing with, at least a legal divorce is not on that list. My close friend had something very similar happen to her – fiance was cheating before the wedding – and it went on for 3 years of marriage before she caught him. The divorce has been long and painful. Find a little comfort in the fact that you were saved from a doomed marriage.

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  • avatar

    j2 June 4, 2014, 9:30 am

    I most definitely agree w/Wendy on not sleeping with your ex again. You really need to “dis-invest” yourself in him, and having sex with him almost certainly prevents you from doing that. After all, he was not just a FWB or a simple exclusive relationship, he was your fiance and you were (are) living with him in a house you own together.

    Additionally, you might consider this a “narrow escape ” — and be thankful on that score.

    That is, this cad would probably have pulled this same crap AFTER you were married. Hell, maybe while you were pregnant with his child. As bad as this is, that would have been a lot worse.

    And now, he is HER problem. Not yours.

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  • avatar

    Teri Anne June 4, 2014, 9:38 am

    I am sorry your ex-fiance is such a creep. Instead of simply saying that he wanted to end the engagement, he attacked you by saying you lacked intelligence, status and the ability to manage money. But you are still good enough to sleep with while he also pursues another woman. I know this is very difficult for you right now, but eventually you will see how much better off you are without him.

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  • Lyra

    Lyra June 4, 2014, 9:46 am

    This is crappy. So so so crappy. No one deserves this and I’m sorry you’re going through it, LW.
    .
    Any breakup that I’ve had, I found that letting go of things is so freeing. For example, I had a LOT of anger towards my ex for a LONG time, but once I finally let that go I felt so much better. Yeah be angry but don’t let that anger consume your life. Let that anger propel you forward to bigger and better things. As Wendy and others have said, get out of the house you share. Get yourself out of the situation so you can start to heal.

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  • avatar

    Lily in NYC June 4, 2014, 9:47 am

    He actually told you that he wanted someone with more intelligence and status?? What a dick move. He was cheating on you for sure and is trying to make excuses so he doesn’t look like such a cad. Don’t bother with telling the new woman in his life that you slept with him – he’s just going to tell her you are crazy and making stuff up to get back at him and she is going to believe it because she wants to be with him.
    Try to make a clean break – it’s difficult but will be so much easier in the long run. You dodged a bullet with this guy.

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  • iwannatalktosampson

    iwannatalktosampson June 4, 2014, 9:48 am

    You really showed him that he doesn’t deserve you… by sleeping with him. Why does everyone do this? Seriously all we hear about is people sleeping with their ex’s while being pissed at them. I guess hate fucking really is a thing. I just don’t get it.

    Also if you’re trying to save some dignity in this whole thing, don’t become the other woman. It’s pretty shitty if he was cheating on you while telling you he wanted to work on the relationship, but what he did really doesn’t matter anymore… you’re not together. So get out of the house and move on. You shouldn’t want to be with someone like that anyway.

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    • GatorGirl

      GatorGirl June 4, 2014, 10:04 am

      Yeah, I don’t get the hate fuck thing. Especially when you think you’ve been cheated on and then do the same.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson June 4, 2014, 10:12 am

        Yeah and I guess the reason that it bugs me the most is that LW’s will mention that they slept together as some type of proof that *maybe* just maybe, he still loves her. No. Sex after someone breaks up with you means they wanted to have sex with you. Nothing more. If anything you’re just showing them how little you value yourself.
        .
        To me banging an ex is just about the least emotionally healthy thing you can do. To have sex with someone that has treated you like shit? I just don’t get it. And then to claim it’s “just physical” – LW, quit lying to yourself. The sooner you can be honest about what you want and what you’re trying to accomplish by staying in touch with him the better.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson June 4, 2014, 10:15 am

        And it’s one of those rules that EVERYONE thinks they’re the exception too. Like oh no, it’s bad for other people to do it, but we can keep banging because we’re just more enlightened and less emotional about these things. We just wanted to have sex. We both know it means nothing. It’s like the automatic delusional world people crawl into after a break up to justify their masochistic behavior. Everyone is the rule. None of you are the special blue bird exception. It’s not healthy! Stop doing it.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 June 4, 2014, 10:19 am

        Yeah she slept with this dude after he pretty much called her not smart enough, or classy enough to be with him.
        .
        I feel bad for this LW, because that really is a shitty situation that her ex put her through, but she pretty much just let this dude win. He gets everything he wants, that is the one thing she could have kept from him.

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      • Kate B.

        Kate B. June 4, 2014, 10:29 am

        I am curious why these two comments were given thumbs down?

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      • avatar

        SasLinna June 4, 2014, 11:09 am

        I don’t give thumbs down, but I think it could be because the comments imply that she somehow stooped on his level by sleeping with him? Which I don’t have an opinion on, but other people may.

        Anyway, I just wanted to comment on the sleeping with exes thing. I completely agree that it’s a bad idea. No sex with exes is a good rule. However, I think a lot of good breakup rules only really sink in through experience. Not for everyone, but for many people. The no contact rule is similar. Most people will contact an ex after the breakup. Only when they realize the consequences they really understand why no contact is a breakup rule. Most people will do exactly what they want after a breakup, rules be damned. Then they are miserable and start understanding the rules. Or that’s my experience anyway.

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      • avatar

        SummerRose June 4, 2014, 1:47 pm

        Do you mean “no contact with exes” right away after a breakup? Or no contact ever? Because I know people who are friends with their exes. I myself am very close friends with my first ex-boyfriend. But regarding sleeping with exes, I think it depends on the circumstances. I’m sure there have been people who could sleep with their exes without things getting messy. It really depends on the situation; they’re all different.

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      • avatar

        SasLinna June 4, 2014, 2:15 pm

        I meant no contact right after the breakup, until you’re over the relationship.
        As for sleeping with exes, every rule has its exceptions, but this is one that actually holds in 99% of all cases. There are very few people who look back on sleeping with an ex and think “that was a great idea”. (Again I’m talking about sleeping with an ex in the aftermath of a breakup, and not years later or something.)

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  • avatar

    jlyfsh June 4, 2014, 9:53 am

    Does anybody listen to The Bert Show on their morning commute? I usually don’t but yesterday I found it randomly, I think our local station just started playing it? Anyway, they had a lady who had been sleeping with this guy for a year. But, he was married. His gf and wife lived in two towns hours apart. And the gf wanted to get the wife on the show to talk to her and get some questions answered and some closure. The wife came on but she definitely didn’t give the gf any closure, other than to call her some names.

    I realize in this case the roles are reversed, but take a note from that experience. Even if you want him to suffer, it will probably be you who does if you go forward with telling her.

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  • katie

    katie June 4, 2014, 10:02 am

    LW, i hope this doesnt come across as harsh- it doesnt matter that he already has a girlfriend. it doesnt matter that he may or may not have been emotionally cheating on you. it doesnt matter that this girl put a picture of the two of them anywhere. it doesnt matter that he is confused- nothing matters except the part where he called of the wedding and broke up with you. focus on that. focus on the next steps that come from that, which should include not sleeping with him and moving on, both with your life and legally.

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  • avatar

    peachy June 4, 2014, 10:05 am

    It may not feel like it right now, but you are lucky to being getting away from someone undependable, selfish, emotionally dishonest, and denigrating to boot. He’s done you a favor by showing his true colors before the wedding. Don’t let him enjoy one more second of your awesomeness, the candy store should be closed for chumps of his caliber. Just keep the house buyout businesslike and get out of there asap. Best wishes to you!

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  • avatar

    lets_be_honest June 4, 2014, 10:09 am

    LW, I’m on my way to come kidnap you and will free you once you promise to not sleep with this jerkoff again.

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  • avatar

    ktfran June 4, 2014, 10:12 am

    First thing first – stop living with him. I understand you own a house together, but one of you needs to rely on a close friend or family member to help you out a little bit, until things are figured out. Personally, I think he should be the one to move out, like yesterday, since he’s the one that broke it off. But if he doesn’t, I think you should and I’m positive people who love you will want to help you out.
    .
    Next, delete him as a friend on FB, or at the very least hide him. Absolutely resist the temptation to check up on him.
    .
    I truly believe distancing yourself from someone is the best way to heal and move on with your life. And honestly, aren’t you glad you figured all of this out now instead of after the marriage? Maybe it’s too soon, but I hope one day you’ll come to find it ended up being for the best.
    .
    Finally, WWS, all the way.

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  • avatar

    bethany June 4, 2014, 10:23 am

    Lw, you need to get out of that house. Nothing good is going to come from you being there. Even if you have to sleep on a friend’s couch, then do it. It’s better than being around him.

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  • muchachaenlaventana

    muchachaenlaventana June 4, 2014, 10:27 am

    First I am really sorry you are going through a break up. I think soon you will realize how much better off you are, or at least I hope so.
    .
    I think you need some space here. You are still so caught up in the drama of it all and think that by telling this girl it is keeping the connection up or doing something to maintain that relationship or hurt him or make him realize how wrong he has been, but really it would probably backfire as someone mentioned above. I had something exactly like this happen in my first relationship. Literally, to a T except thankfully we did not live together. For the first few months I tried to maintain contact, get him to realize how stupid he had been, admit he was seeing the new girl, I stalked them on Facebook, and was basically just being a little cooky. We even had sex during the time I know they were together and I wanted to tell her to hurt them, but really that was just a lame ploy to somehow spite him/her for hurting me and he would have lied about it and she probably wouldn’t have given a shit. It would have made me look even more pathetic. Same case for you. It was when I finally deleted his number, got rid of our mementos, deleted my Facebook account, and got space that I realized what a little fuck he had been and how much better off I was, that I deserved better, and that he really sucked. You need space and that perspective. If you can move out and crash with someone do so-even better, he is in the process of buying you out, if you can afford it move out and find a new place. Also don’t sleep with him again-he is feeding you lines of bullshit and was a dick to you, why would you ever want to sleep with someone who told you you aren’t intelligent or refined enough for him?? Like WTF own your dignity and take it back from him. Again not to be harsh but you said you are disgusted by him, let your actions show that too.

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. June 4, 2014, 10:35 am

    My advice is to move out. Right now. Do whatever you have to do to make it happen. And stop looking at Facebook. It’s only torture. And stop sleeping with him. It is over. Personally I think you dodged a bullet. I am positive that this other woman will find out who he is on her own and if she has any self-worth she’ll dump his ass cold, so there’s no need for you to tell her. She probably wouldn’t believe you anyway. If she does know about how he treated you and is dating him anyway, well, she deserves what she gets.

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  • veritek33

    veritek33 June 4, 2014, 10:45 am

    I’m so sorry this is happening.

    Yes, get off facebook or just block/unfriend him. The day I blocked my ex was the smartest thing I did in the aftermath of my breakup. And do what Wendy says, go sleep at someone elses house for a bit and create some space.

    He sounds douchey and you dodged a bullet. Hugs.

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  • TaraMonster

    TaraMonster June 4, 2014, 9:53 am

    FWIW, I just want to add to the din of voices yelling “What a douche!!!”

    Everyone else has pretty good advice, but I’m swamped with work so I have to halt at being mad for you, girl. That shit is horrible and you deserve way better. [internet hug]

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  • avatar

    Painted_lady June 4, 2014, 10:57 am

    LW, please please please stop sleeping with him. If you’re not at the point that doing that – and then possibly calling the girl he cheated with – seems insane and damaging, then there’s no way that being around him is in any way good for you. I don’t think it’s in any way possible that sleeping with an ex isn’t a bad idea. Even if you aren’t in love with him, even if you’re not trying to hurt him, I don’t think it’s a good idea. I have been in a relationship where the other person only told me when it was over exactly how long he’d been done and how little he thought of me not to tell me. And in my experience, I’d have done anything – ANYTHING – to prove I was over him. I wanted so badly not to care that I hadn’t noticed that he didn’t love me anymore. And if I’d had the opportunity to sleep with him to convince myself that I cared so little we could even have sex and not let it bother me, I’d have done it I’m a heartbeat. It’s stupid and crazy, but I know firsthand that when your heart’s been broken so completely, you aren’t thinking straight.
    *
    Think about it like this: every time you sleep with him, add six more weeks to the time you’ll need to get over him, whether it’s getting over loving him or getting over the toll the breakup is taking on you. And think about what that says about how much control he has in your life. Don’t give him that kind of control. It’s an understandable urge, it really is, but it isn’t one you should act on anymore. If you can’t trust yourself not to act, don’t give yourself the opportunity. Get out of that house.

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  • Copa

    Copa June 4, 2014, 11:09 am

    Your (likely) cheating ex-fiancé wants someone “better”? Um, please. You deserve someone who doesn’t have weak character. He “didn’t want to hurt your feelings” so he, what? Waited until a hot second before the wedding to call things off instead of speaking up when his doubts were strong enough to (presumably) seek companionship with someone else? Because that would somehow hurt your feelings less…? (Really? HE is the one who “wants someone more intelligent”?) Add “selfish” and “coward” to the list of charming attributes gleaned just from a few sentences about him…

    I’m sorry you’re going through this, LW, and I’m sorry you’re hurting. This letter was hard for me to read because I’ve been in similar situations before, minus the engagement (but I was living with one, and we’d stared ring shopping). And it hurt like hell, and I imagine it’s worse when you’re engaged & planning a wedding & so close to the date.

    I understand the pain and fierce indignation. But, like others have said, it doesn’t really matter because you’re not together. Move out of the house. (Even if he’s going to be the one keeping the house, I think under these circumstances, were I you, I’d tell HIM to get out until you are ready to leave. Seriously.) Stop sleeping with him. Cut contact. Stop checking their Facebook activity, it’s just going to make you feel like shit. (I know because I’ve been there & done that.) Their relationship isn’t your business.

    BTW, as someone who has been a “crazy ex” before because I did not know how to handle the pain, I’d recommend against it. And as someone who has had a crazy ex direct her crazy at me in the past for “stealing her boyfriend”, I can tell you that your ex’s new girlfriend will probably not care about anything you have to say.

    How someone treats you is a reflection on them, not you. I think this is super shitty and honestly believe that anyone decent would have ended things with you in the least shitty way possible. (I don’t think he could have ended an engagement without hurting you, but he could’ve at LEAST been a decent person about it. Sheesh.)

    You deserve better, and I hope you reach the point where you’re glad he’s someone else’s problem soon.

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    • Moneypenny

      Moneypenny June 4, 2014, 12:59 pm

      I like how you say, “how someone treats you is a reflection on them, not you.” SO true. And hard to remember when you’re in the thick of it. (I’m going through something like this right now, unfortunately.)

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      • Copa

        Copa June 4, 2014, 2:06 pm

        It’s one of those tings that can be SO HARD to believe when you’re in a situation like this one, but it’s SO TRUE and SO much easier to see when you’re removed from the situation. At least, that’s been true for me — it’s easy for me to fall into the “why wasn’t *I* good enough?” “Why wasn’t *I* enough?” “What’s wrong with *me*?” mindsets that have crept up on me when relationships have ended similarly to the LWs. It’s like being served a heaping help of self-doubt alongside the rejection, and it sucks, and I’ve had periods of my life where repeating that to myself is the only thing that has stopped me from ugly-crying over insensitive douchebags in embarrassing places.

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      • Moneypenny

        Moneypenny June 4, 2014, 2:32 pm

        Yes x100!! I totally do the same. Self doubt + rejection is so so hard. This is something that should be written on a sticky note and put everywhere!

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    • avatar

      Sonia June 4, 2014, 2:07 pm

      I am tweeting that line: “How someone treats you is a reflection on them, not you.”

      And I agree. Moneypenny, sorry to hear that you are going thru something.

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      • Moneypenny

        Moneypenny June 4, 2014, 3:53 pm

        Thanks Sonia 🙂

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  • Moneypenny

    Moneypenny June 4, 2014, 12:58 pm

    I completely concur with the others that this guy is awful, and even more so for essentially using your “shortcomings” as reasons for ending the relationship (for having some debt and wanting someone more intelligent?!). I am the kind of person who easily takes on blame even when things are really not my fault, so I know how it feels- but this is not your fault. Not at all. Please do what Wendy says. She gave some amazing compassionate advice. Internet-stranger hugs to you.

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  • avatar

    bostonpupgal June 4, 2014, 1:59 pm

    FIrst of all, I am so sorry you are going through this. I found out my ex-fiance was cheating on me and called off my wedding shortly before it was due to take place. Even though I was the one to call it off, I still felt so much of what you’re feeling: humiliated, angry, devastated, terribly sad. He said many cruel things to me that were his “reasons” for cheating similar to what your ex said to you: he wanted someone better than me, he didn’t find me attractive anymore, etc. all while lying to me every day and actively participating in planning a wedding and a future. It was gut wrenching and awful

    The most important things I can tell you are these: it gets so, so much better. Living well is the best revenge. Forgiving him does not mean you have to condone or understand what he did, not does it mean you can or should have him as a part of your life, it means coming to a sense of peace with the situation and letting go of the negative feelings you have about yourself as a result. Forgiving him is for you, not for him..if that makes sense. I never said a cruel word to my ex, exited as gracefully as I could and moved on to a full, single life. His life fell apart around him and he came crawling back on his knees begging me to take him back, to which I responded “I’m on vacation at the beach with all my friends and my new boyfriend, can’t talk right now”..it was the best.thing.ever.

    Get the heck out of that house, unfriend him on facebook, let yourself grieve, and cut him out of your life completely as soon as possible. In a few months you’ll feel like yourself again, probably a better version of yourself than you’ve seen in a long time. You will date again, love again, and be so, so much better off than with this cheating jerk.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest June 4, 2014, 2:08 pm

      Oh, LW, please do what boston here did!

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  • avatar

    Sonia June 4, 2014, 2:14 pm

    LW, I went thru an awful breakup last summer, 6 years together, he cheated on me which he owned up to. I was willing to work things out because I felt one indiscretion wasn’t a whole lot in our 6 years. He disagreed, thought that was “desperate” (ugh) then “confessed” to having been unhappy for 2 years. Really?!?!
    Fast forward to almost one year later (in fact, end of this month will be one year) and my life IS INFINITELY BETTER. I am soooo much happier in my self and my overall relationships. I wound up deleting my Facebook account (another great decision btw) and just shut everyone related to him out (I had it easier only because we had been long distance). My life is vastly different from then, from a new job, to new friends, to (soon) a new apartment. I just feel like a new and freer person. I learned to be more honest with the people in my life, and while I’m not dating anyone yet (though in love with my best friend, a whole other thing lol) I just feel LIGHTER.
    The last I knew about him and his new girl – who he decided to stay with – is that he was miserable, he screamed at her at Thanksgiving dinner, and that she likes to expose herself, even if kids are in the room (mind you, he had an issue that I would like to wear heels and nice stuff – he has an “asking for it” mentality, ugh, typing that makes me sad I was with such a loser). So TRUST ME, I won, and in the long run, you’ll realize you won too.

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  • possumgirl

    possumgirl June 4, 2014, 3:28 pm

    As you’re hearing, this happens to many people. And what you’re also hearing is true- it gets better. Oh, it’ll take a minute. A long minute. BUT! When that minute is up, you will find yourself so grateful that this happened. 1- You won’t be stuck with this immature and unfaithful person in a marriage. 2- You will make better partner choices going forward.

    Keep him on the outside of your skin, metaphorically and literally. Remove yourself physically from his presence. Defriend him on Facebook, don’t check up on his never girl and don’t ever make a scene in front of/to him. Above all, keep your dignity. He ain’t worth it.

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  • avatar

    Elle June 4, 2014, 3:33 pm

    Other commenters gave plenty of good advice, and I wanted to add my experience as well.

    As much as you want to, do not contact the other girl. Not because she won’t believe you (she won’t, you’ll open a whole ‘nother can of worms), but because he will break her heart too. Seriously, what he did to you, he will do to her.

    My very first bf, LTR, took my virginity – he left me for my childhood best friend. Pretty shitty, right? We were all around 20 at the time. I didn’t speak to him since, but I did talk to her once a few years later. We met at lunch (by accident, we happened to get lunch at the same place), and I told her I got married, I was going to start my PhD in a couple months, and she said that the guy hurt her deeply too.

    Given my story, you should only tell her if you really like her and want to spare her some heartache down the road. Otherwise, let her find out. And you know what? She should know better! A guy that leaves his fiancee two months before the wedding is not quite all there.

    Hugs, it hurts now, I know, but it will get better, I promise. I’ve been divorced for 5 years now, and in the past year I’ve traveled a lot around the US. I plan to go to Europe next year. Maybe Asia after that. There’s such a big world out there, all yours to discover and enjoy!

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    bunnybear June 4, 2014, 3:43 pm

    As a good friend always says: NO GOOD CAN COME OF THIS. Meaning: stop looking at FB, and don’t reach out to the ex. Absolutely NO GOOD WILL COME OF IT. It’s completely counter-productive.

    And for what it’s worth: when my ex and I broke up, we lived together for about 3 months – it was horrible. Since he was the douche, he tried to find other places to stay as much as possible – sometimes just a couple of days – other times a week. But, when we were home together, one of us slept in the bedroom and the other on an air mattress in the living room (NYC style!). I 100% regret not kicking his ass out sooner (you know…guilt that he had no $ and bad credit and it was going to take a while for him to find a place he could afford, blah, blah, blah). So….yeah….get thee out of the house ASAP. Camp on a friend’s sofa or extra bedroom or whatever. Just separate yourself as much as possible – it does wonders for being able to think clearly in this transitional time.

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    • iwannatalktosampson

      iwannatalktosampson June 4, 2014, 3:57 pm

      You’re such a tease – tell us what the most awkward thing that happened in that 3 months.

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        bunnybear June 4, 2014, 4:54 pm

        LOL. Im sorry to say that you’ll be disappointed. I set up all of these rules – like neither of us could bring anyone to the apartment – even friends – while we both lived there, etc. But, I won’t pretend that I wasn’t happy when he was supposed to have a night out with his friends and they all bailed on him last minute and he came slinking home all embarrassed. And I definitely ate the handful of dinners he made me in an effort to make up with me – because those were pretty much the only dinners he made for me in the 5 years we were together and I was gonna take whatever I could get! 🙂

        It took me going to Germany for 4 weeks to hang with the BFF to get the space I needed to tell him he better be the hell out of the apartment by the time I got back. Somehow he couldn’t find an apartment in those 3 months, but when he had just 10 days between ultimatum and my return, he found a place. I was such an idiot. And he was (and still is!) so lazy.

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