Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“He Didn’t Come With Me To My Abortion”

I just had an abortion and my boyfriend didn’t come with me. I begged him to come, and he said he would be there, but he didn’t show up. He chose to hang out with his friends instead of coming and supporting me. When I first found out I was pregnant, he expressed very deeply that he wasn’t ready to be the father. He also made comments saying he didn’t want me to have his child. He called me three times after the abortion to tell me he cares. When I asked him why he didn’t come, he said he didn’t want to see haunting images of the baby or see me “kill his child.”

I have never been so hurt and sad in my life. This situation showed me he doesn’t care about me. I just want to know if I should continue to be with him? And if he ever truly cared about me? — Feeling Abandoned

No, you should not be with him, and, no, he doesn’t care about you very much (if at all). Make no mistake: He wanted you to have the abortion. He did not want to have a baby with you and become a father. But he also had no problem at all letting you deal with the emotional and physical effects of that decision on your own. He felt morally conflicted enough about the decision to avoid any sense of responsibility and ownership of it — giving you that role, solely, and without any support — but will embrace the relief that the pregnancy is terminated. Frankly, he’s a scumbag — one of the lowest of the lows, and, no, you should not be with him.

I hope his behavior isn’t making you question your decision. It sounds like your feelings of conflict are directed solely at him, but if that isn’t the case and you’re feeling conflicted around your decision to terminate your pregnancy, please seek support in caring sources: Ask your clinic or doctor for a referral for counseling; talk to close friends; reach out for online support in safe virtual spaces like this abortion support forum or this after-abortion support group. Your dickhead boyfriend’s deplorable behavior is a reflection on him — his weak character — not on you. You’re going to be ok. You’re going to be so much better without him than you ever would be with him.

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

19 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Ale November 11, 2016, 8:37 am

    No, you should not continue with him. He abandoned you when you needed him the most. Gave you an excuse for not taking responsibility for his actions. He is a dick. Don’t expect him to be there for you any other time you need him. You should dump him and find someone to talk to.

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  • avatar

    Brise November 11, 2016, 8:57 am

    All my sympathy is with you in this difficult time. I understand your sadness, but I think you should focus on yourself, on your own well-being after a difficult decision. That was your decision too, wasn’t it?
    About your boyfriend, at least, the situation is very clear and it will help you to act on it: he doesn’t deserve to be a boyfriend, he acted appallingly despite your request for support. He did abandon you and doesn’t act as a team with you in difficult times. The sooner you put an end to this relationship, the better you will be able to take care of yourself. He is no partner, not reliable, a coward who chose himself to disappear at the most important moment, and who tries to blame you. So have him disappear of your life for good. You can surely do better than him.

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  • avatar

    LisforLeslie November 11, 2016, 8:58 am

    He’s awful. You asked him to support you through a medical procedure. He promised and then failed to support you. I recognize that there is an emotional component but he took the cowards way out and he left you to deal with the physical and emotional challenges. He has no excuse.

    Aim higher. You deserve someone who will be there during difficult times.

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  • avatar

    Essie November 11, 2016, 9:14 am

    Should you continue to be with him?

    Um, only if you like being on your own with no support when things get tough. Like when you get sick, or are in an accident, or you lose your job, one of your children gets sick. Or one of your parents passes away. Or, if you just like being in a relationship with a complete and utter asshole.

    Did he ever truly care about you? Do you really think that that’s how someone acts when they truly care about you?

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  • beelzebarb

    beelzebarb November 11, 2016, 9:25 am

    This is even beyond him not being there. Look at the language he used. He encouraged her to have an abortion and then said she killed his child. That is vicious.

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    • avatar

      RedRoverRedRover November 11, 2016, 10:57 am

      This is exactly what jumped out at me. It’s bad enough to not show up. But to say that to her afterwards, when he was fully part of the decision? After what she had to go through totally alone? He’s horrible. Dump him.

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    • avatar

      Ale November 11, 2016, 11:45 am

      Maybe gaslighting?

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      • avatar

        RedRoverRedRover November 11, 2016, 11:53 am

        Trying to put all the responsibility on her, I would guess. He’s probably conflicted abut abortion and is trying to make it her fault.

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  • avatar

    csp November 11, 2016, 9:49 am

    LW, I think the conflict he felt is real and normal. HOWEVER, when you are choosing a long term partner, he is the wrong guy. There will be times in your life that people will need to step up and they won’t. As hard as this is to learn this way, you need to heed this warning. Life is hard and messy and you will get hit with tragedies that you didn’t even think to worry about. When these things happen, you need a partner who is there to hold you up. This guy did the opposite. It is better to stand on your own than try to lean on someone that isn’t there.

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  • avatar

    artsygirl November 11, 2016, 9:52 am

    LW – I am so sorry you had to make such a hard decision and then not be supported by your boyfriend when you needed him. A good and loving partner would have stood by you – he failed you on every level and then mitigated his responsibility by trying to play the hurt party. Hugs across the internet.

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  • avatar

    for_cutie November 11, 2016, 10:06 am

    LW, please focus on you and heal. He is irrelevant. Remove him from your life forever.

    I have a story to share. In college I had a friend who was so in-love with her boyfriend. He didn’t like condoms and she obliged. In a year and a half, she had 3 abortions. He was there for none of them. She was so in-love and so convinced that he was the one for her. He dumped her. All of these details are awful and wrong and heart-breaking.

    He’s shown you who he is, don’t give him the chance to hurt you again.

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    • avatar

      RedRoverRedRover November 11, 2016, 10:58 am

      That’s awful. 🙁

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    • avatar

      artsygirl November 11, 2016, 11:07 am

      I had a friend whose husband did a similar thing – hated condoms but she had bad reactions to hormonal birth control. When she ended up pregnant he was over joyed and she was devastated since hers was the sole income. Fast forward a few months, he sells their car behind her back and takes the money to go live in a another state with friends, still happy about the baby, just doesn’t want any of the responsibility.

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    • avatar

      Ale November 11, 2016, 11:46 am

      That’s awful. I hope your friend found the help that she needed.

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  • avatar

    Stilgar666 November 11, 2016, 10:58 am

    LW, What others have said.

    He chose to hang out with his friends instead of handling his responsibilities. Instead of helping you shoulder this burden, he decided his discomfort was enough justification to abandon you. Instead of thinking about how vastly greater your own turmoil was and he acted like a self-centered coward.

    What was he doing with his friends while you were undergoing an emotionally fraught medical procedure? Watching sports, playing video games, drinking, ultimate frisbee?

    He cared about the good times, he cared about the sex, but he doesn’t care about you.

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  • avatar

    Unwanted_Truth November 11, 2016, 11:44 am

    I just want to chime in here, I haven’t read any of the comments yet, but I did read Wendys advice and I totally agree. To be honest , my son is now on the verge of entering his teenage years. Before I found out I was going to be a dad, his mother and I were young and had been together about 4 years, and we had discussed early on in the relationship that neither of us wanted children. So in the beginning we agreed to use protection. Yet after the BC was working I stopped using a condom at her request (demand actually) . She ended up using a antibiotic that made her BC NOT WORK. I didn’t know nor did I educate myself on these things back then, and she got pregnant. Now, we both, without any form of argument or demand on my part, decided that abortion was what we were gonna do. The difference here in your letter and my our situation is that I cared ( still care) about her, her well being and her emotions going through this (she was acting nonchalant up until it was about to be real) i went with her was there in the room and there for 2 more years after, and I saw and witnessed what she went through. It was goddamn heartbreaking. I did , at that time feel relieved not to be a father then, but I couldn’t sleep and i felt like a POS while holding her and trying to make her feel better. This dude does not guve a fuck about what you had to go through and isn’t a fucking man in my book, you need to cut ties with this guy and please please please seek some temporary therapy to put your feelings and heart and mind at ease. Never ever let another man do this to you.

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  • avatar

    Unwanted_Truth November 11, 2016, 11:47 am

    To my comment btw so it’s not to confuse, she did have the abortion . We ended up having our child down the road.

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  • FireStar

    Firestar November 11, 2016, 12:18 pm

    Your boyfriend is an ass. I’ve had male friends go with other friends to support them when they weren’t even the boyfriends or involved with the women at all. One guy didn’t even particularly like the girl but she needed someone else so he showed up. And then there is your boyfriend. Who lied to you. Who abandoned you when you needed him. Who told you to have the abortion then made it all your fault for killing his child? Wtf by the way. Find someone better. It will not be hard.

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  • avatar

    Rod November 14, 2016, 8:56 am

    The bf should have been honest and said upfront that he doesn’t want to go. Yes he is a tool, a coward etc. They need counseling if they think they may want to stay a couple.

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