≡ Menu

“He Didn’t Think I Was Skinny Enough”

I’m 31 and met a man almost four years younger than me on a dating site. I’m a divorced single mom, so I know my looks aren’t what they use to be. Anyway, we connected so well, it was like we became best friends in a short amount of time. We became intimate and of course it was pretty amazing; everything seemed to be going well, except for one thing: he never took me anywhere. When I finally brought it up, he claimed he thought we were just FWB, which wasn’t the case, and that he was attracted to me and liked me a lot, but couldn’t be with me due to the fact that I wasn’t “skinny enough.”

I know I’m not skinny, but I don’t consider myself fat. I’m a size 12, and I’m curvy more than anything. I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life, and suddenly I felt like I was 21 again being judged for stupid little things. He begged me to continue sleeping with him and be his friend. I ended up sleeping with him once which was a disaster for me, and I tried to be his friend. He didn’t want to let me go, but yet he wanted to keep me a dirty little secret. Finally, it ended because he met someone that was perfectly skinny for him. This has really affected my self-esteem, and how I “put myself out there” and meeting other men. How can I change this? Is hope lost for women who aren’t skin and bones? Was this man truly embarrassed by me? — Not Skinny Enough for Him

Here’s what happened: this guy was not into you/ attracted to you enough to make you his girlfriend — or even take you out on a date — but you were good enough to relieve a little sexual tension while he waited for someone he did like. Does that mean that every guy you’re going meet is like that? Hell, no! Does that mean that every guy out there has a similar preference for skinny women? No! There are plenty of men for whom a size 12 — or whatever your size — is a perfect turn-on. But you’re only going to be a good match for them and good girlfriend material if you work on your self-esteem first.

How do you do that? You can start by measuring your value not by guys’ interest in you, but by your accomplishments, positive qualities, and the friendships and relationships you’ve cultivated over the years. If you’re feeling insecure about your looks, get a post-divorce “makeover” to boost your mood. Hit the salon and update your hairdo and color. Book a massage. Get your nails done. Schedule an appointment with your dentist and get a good cleaning or even some whitening if you think you need it. Ask a good friend or two to go shopping with you to help you pick out a couple new outfits that make you feel good about yourself. Join a gym or fitness class and focus on health not weight. Exercise releases feel-good endorphins that boost one’s mood and self-esteem. Smile more — smile at yourself in the mirror and smile at strangers on the street. Smiles are like a natural facelift, shedding years from your age and making you look warm and approachable. Once you feel more confident about your looks, take a few new photos for your dating profile.

Most important, don’t shy away from “putting yourself out there” because of one dumb guy. There are going to be lots of dumb guys out there who will use you and take advantage of you if you let them, but for every one them, there are many wonderful, genuine guys who want to get to know you and take you out and treat you well. Don’t miss out on all the opportunities you could have with any of them just because you feel a little burned by some dude you knew for a few weeks. That’s lame. And quit sleeping with guys who don’t have the decency to take you out for a nice date first and treat you like a lady. Believe that you are too good for that because you are.

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter. ]=[

facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmail

Comments on this entry are closed.

avatar MissDre July 28, 2011, 3:07 pm

Hell no!!! You are fantabulous as you are, you do not need to change! I am a size twelve too and I’ve always struggled with my weight. I have closet a full of clothes that are a dress size too small and I’m often talking about dropping ten pounds to get into them, but my boyfriend says he loves my ass and please don’t lose too much weight.

So yes, there are men out there who will be attracted to you as you are. If you are happy, do NOT change yourself for a man and do NOT let one man’s idea of what’s attractive make you value yourself less.

avatar Painted_lady July 28, 2011, 3:38 pm

I second this, MissDre! My boyfriend made me promise when I got onto latest fitness kick that I wouldn’t do a thing to my ass. He’s said that’s the only part of my body he has strong feelings about one way or the other, and since his strong feelings are in favor of my keeping a little weight on, I’m perfectly fine with it.

avatar Calliopedork July 28, 2011, 4:07 pm

My bf is the same way we’ve been exercising together and whenever I do something that may slim my butt he starts tsking at me

avatar Riefer July 28, 2011, 4:46 pm

Wait, how do you focus your weight-losing in certain areas, so as not to affect your butt? I thought that when you lose, you lose it from all over. You don’t get to choose, your body does. Because I’m bigger on bottom and smaller on top, and I always lose weight on top first, which obviously sucks because it makes me even more of a pear. If there are exercises where you lose from thighs/butt and nowhere else, let me at them!

avatar Calliopedork July 28, 2011, 4:49 pm

Brazil butt lift and leg lifting. You will lose general weight but those areas will tone more

avatar Riefer July 28, 2011, 4:56 pm

Oh, ok. :( Yeah, that still doesn’t help me much because my boobs always disappear when I start exercising, and no matter how toned my bottom half gets, it’s still big. And when I say my boobs disappear, I mean smaller than an A cup. At one point in my life I actually was up to a B cup, but wanted to trim my waist. I worked out hard for like 6 months, boobs went totally away, waist stayed the exact same. :( I ended up looking worse than before. I know this is off topic, but if anyone has good tips for my scenario, I’m all ears. I did try doing a lot of upper-arm/chest exercises, to tone the muscles underneath the breasts, but when there’s absolutely nothing on top of them it still doesn’t look good.

avatar Desiree July 28, 2011, 5:24 pm

I’ll throw this one out there, but do keep in mind that everyone is different. All the toning exercises you were doing for your chest *might* have increased your weight loss in that area. A lot of where people lose weight is determined by genetics, but my friends and I have noticed that we can influence it somewhat by what areas we train the most.

avatar RoyalEagle0408 July 30, 2011, 5:21 pm

That depends on your definition of what looks “good”. Some of the most beautiful women I know are barely As.

avatar ncp July 28, 2011, 4:13 pm

I’m normally underweight, and now that I’m pregnant and have put on some baby fat, my husband can’t keep his hands off my ass! He’s going to be so sad when it all turns into breastmilk…

avatar Anonymous July 28, 2011, 4:24 pm

No he won’t! He’ll just have something else to hold on to. ;)

avatar ncp July 30, 2011, 8:57 pm

Notice I said “turns into breastmilk“. I said absolutely nothing about anything happening to the size of my breasts. :-(

avatar Painted_lady July 28, 2011, 4:42 pm

Okay, I read that very quickly, and I was VEEEERRRRY confused for a second. Like, wait, that’s not where breastmilk comes from! confused.

avatar Kelbells July 28, 2011, 5:17 pm

Ha! My bf says the samething. Anytime I compare myself to anyone he goes on and on about how much he loves my ass. If I try to shrink it, he threatens to force feed me burgers until it’s back to where he likes it. Definitely helps me feel confident! And, trust me, there are plenty of guys out there who LOVE that. Don’t change for anyone but yourself.

avatar neuroticbeagle July 28, 2011, 8:18 pm

“So your girlfriend rolls a Honda, playin’ workout tapes by Fonda
But Fonda ain’t got a motor in the back of her Honda
My anaconda don’t want none
Unless you’ve got buns, hun
You can do side bends or sit-ups,
But please don’t lose that butt”

avatar Red_Lady July 28, 2011, 11:42 pm

Exactly what I was thinking!!

landygirl Landygirl July 28, 2011, 3:08 pm

Basically, this dude is a choad and was trying to pawn his issues with weight onto you. He was using you then tried to make you feel guility for it. MOA and don’t look back, you’ll find the right one for you.

Heather Heather July 28, 2011, 10:55 pm

I’m so glad to see someone finally had the lady balls to use the phrase ‘choad’.

:)

avatar emjay July 29, 2011, 7:59 am

Love the lady balls comment! :)

avatar kerrycontrary July 28, 2011, 3:10 pm

LW, I’m so sorry a guy treated you this rotten :( I know how one guy can do something horrible and then it sets off a chain reaction of insecurities in yourself. I would follow Wendy’s advice of a post-divorce makeover to increase your confidence, and then put yourself out there again! You will meet the right guy eventually, but I always say that you may have to go through a lot of crappy men to meet a great one, but that one is really really great and totally worth it. And just to insure that a guy respects you and isn’t using you for sex, make sure that your first (and subsequent) meetings are actually dates.

avatar MJ July 28, 2011, 3:14 pm

LW, it’s very possible this guy WAS attracted to you. Very attracted to you. BUT, because of stupid expectations of his friends/society, he felt like he had to show up in public with a skinnier woman. He wasn’t man enough to say “this is who I want to fuck and you all can just deal with it.”

I don’t know if that helps you, because it still means he was a douche, but he was an immature douche. Fortunately there are more mature men who a) know what they want and b) don’t care what other people think.

And don’t forget, confidence (even if you have to fake it) is the sexiest thing of all.

avatar Michele July 28, 2011, 3:15 pm

Yes! The man enough thing. I was trying to find those words. A guy with confidence, who doesn’t feel like he has to impress people, is not going to care if you don’t look like the “ideal woman”. And that guy is the guy you want.

avatar Michele July 28, 2011, 3:14 pm

That guy? Is an ass. End of story. From personal experience, I can assure you that lots of guys love curvy women.

Also, what Wendy said.

avatar lemongrass July 28, 2011, 3:17 pm

That guy was a straight-up jackass. Don’t let his issues create more for you! As a size 10 myself, previously a 16, the right guy will love you for you, not your body. My husband proposed to me at my heaviest with no diet in plan at that time, because its who you are inside that matters.

avatar MissDre July 28, 2011, 3:27 pm

For real, my best friend is probably 80-100 pounds overweight and she’s been on and off diets for as long as I’ve known her and yet all her husband worries about is whether or not she’s happy. He couldn’t care less about her size! And yes, she was that big when met her and he STILL wanted to marry her! Because he was attracted to her and he loves her.

avatar lemongrass July 28, 2011, 3:46 pm

No kidding. I was actually an 8 when my husband and I started dating. I ballooned and he never said a word. He didn’t think it was his place to critize. In hindsight, I told him to say something if I did it again, because it was unhealthy.

avatar LTC039 July 28, 2011, 3:18 pm

The way to get better at “putting yourself out there” is by realizing that the problem here wasn’t you (except for the part where you slept with him that last time, but we’ll get to that in a minute) the problem here is that this man is NOT a God, contrary to his belife, that determines the beauties from the fuglies! Of course, hearing something like that is not exactly easy to forget, but why would you want to be with someone who would actually utter those words to you? I think this guy & the previous LW would’ve been a great match! A guy with class would a) not judge you solely on what the ticket on the back of your pants says & b) if he wasn’t so interested & felt there wasn’t that attraction there would break things off in a completely different way.
You need to be thankful you didn’t waste another second with this low-life creep & try really hard to cast those encounters aside as “psssh HIS problem!”
Trust me, do what Wendy says, go get a makeover, hit the gym if you want, & once you are really really happy & confident that will totally radiate out into the universe & you will find a REAL man!

avatar SpaceySteph July 28, 2011, 3:22 pm

What a jerk! LW its understandable that you are having some self esteem issues- it must be difficult to get divorced and have to put yourself back out there.

But just because it didn’t work out with your ex husband, and because you met one douchenozzle on a dating site, doesn’t mean that there aren’t men who will find you attractive and like you for you and who want more substance than skeleton.

You just have to keep looking. And in the meantime, explore all the wonderful things about you. Are you a good cook? Are you a good mom? Do you like rock climbing or running or painting? I am sure there are plenty of good things about you… keep developing your interests, exploring your talents, and don’t worry about what guys might think of your appearance. Your life is about so much more than what a random guy on the internet thinks of you.

avatar Turtledove July 28, 2011, 3:27 pm

You. Are. Not. Fat.

Ok, now that that’s out of my system. I’m a size 16. I’m not fat, I’ll be fat when I can’t bend over and look at my toes. Trust me, I take off my shirt and my husband is not looking at my belly or my muffin top or whatever other flaw I perceive in myself. When you’re with a good guy who is genuinely attracted to you, he’s not going to mind the saggy bits or squishy spots because 1. he’s not looking for your flaws and 2. he’s got plenty of his own (and is really hoping you don’t complain about the back hair) You quasi dated a skeez and you have my sympathies. But, you need to make peace with your body. Take a dance class or a yoga class– something to get you moving and thinking not about what your body looks like, but all the wonderful things it can do. When you can walk around at whatever size you happen to be and not care about your size, you will never fall prey to this type of man again.

avatar SpaceySteph July 28, 2011, 3:43 pm

Ooh try yoga! I just started yoga… the class has such a diverse group, young women, older women, chubby women, skinny women. Everyone was so nice and friendly and not judgy. Not at all the way I feel walking into an LA Fitness. Yoga rocks.

avatar MJ July 28, 2011, 4:07 pm

I do yoga AT LA Fitness. Whoa!

avatar SpaceySteph July 28, 2011, 5:34 pm

Bummer… my former LA fitness didn’t have yoga, just a bunch of beefy dudes and skinny girls. Now I run outside and do yoga at a private studio and don’t ever have to look at ridiculous beefy dudes grunting at their reflections.

avatar LTC039 July 28, 2011, 7:10 pm

I do Yoga at LA Fitness too!! WOW

avatar Michele July 28, 2011, 3:45 pm

Thirding the yoga! It’s all inwardly focused, and as you get stronger and more flexible you’ll appreciate your body even more. Plus, it’s a stress reliever.

avatar Anna July 28, 2011, 5:29 pm

I definitely agree; I am a size 14 with curvy thighs a full C-cup…my boyfriend is definitely turned on when I take it off! When we met, I was very skinny (for me) at about a size 7 and he actually didn’t think I was as attractive because I had very little in the thighs and butt and hardly any boobs. He has actually grown more attracted to me as I’ve “grown.”

LW, the boy you encountered was very immature and you should never EVER judge your own value based on what an asshole guy has to say!!

avatar Anna July 31, 2011, 1:42 pm

Why the thumbs down? I didn’t say I purposely gained weight…my average size has always been around 14 except for the one year right before I met my bf when I ate nothing but grilled chicken salads and ran every day…it was a pretty miserable year. When it comes down to it, I’m a foodie.

leilani leilani July 28, 2011, 3:42 pm

I’m sure you’re aware that the only women with boyfriends or dates are not “skin and bones”. Lots of things are easier for people that 100% fit the mold of what society tells us is perfect and hot, but that hardly means that all hope is dashed for the extreme majority who don’t. While in the dating pool, everyone is going to run into someone that doesn’t like something about them. I can’t even imagine how exhausting it would be to try to change all of those little things for any dude that comes along rather than just realizing that you aren’t a match and moving on to the next.

leilani leilani July 28, 2011, 3:48 pm

Also, it amazes me that there are guys out there that say these kinds of things to women. Whatever happened to, ‘I’m sorry, I just don’t think we’re a romantic match’ or ‘I’m not looking for anything serious’? There are euphemisms for these types of situations, people! I know everyone hates it when guys do the fade out, but if this BS is what they’re all keeping inside, I’d rather they just disappear.

Budj Budjer July 28, 2011, 3:56 pm

As a previous comment suggested I think he was using it as a way to make her feel guilty and still continue to have sex with her, rather than break it off, until he found someone that fit his description…absolutely the mature and best way to handle it would have been to just state you weren’t a match, but this guy is a shit bag.

avatar Theenemyofmyenemyisagrilledcheesesandwich July 28, 2011, 3:49 pm

I’m going to get flamed for this.

Yes, the guy the LW wrote in about was jerking her around, and treating her less like a human being that a pressure release valve. That sucks. Yes, different men have different tastes when it comes to how curvy/skinny the women they are attracted to are.
I get that, I agree.

But can we please PLEASE stop perpetuating the unhealthy myth that anyone who loves you will love you regardless of how you take care of yourself? That’s not true for men, and it’s not true for women either. I categorically do NOT mean that there is a set size that someone needs to be in order to deserve love, but taking care of your health, taking care of your attractiveness is something you should feel compelled to do if you love the other person. No one should stop loving you because you put on a pound, but no one should be expected to love you unconditionally regardless of how over/underweight you may become. Expecting unconditional devotion sets up your partner for failure.

Someone who loves you will try to overlook many of your flaws, but that willingness on the part of your lover to round you up the perfect doesn’t mean you are.

avatar SpaceySteph July 28, 2011, 3:53 pm

If the LW wrote in to say she weighed 500 pounds and had to be craned off her couch to go on this date with this jerk, I might admit you have a point.

But being a size 12 is not a flaw. And I fully advocate finding someone who will find you sexy at size 12 or 14 or 16, because they exist. It doesn’t mean you can’t lose a few pounds, it doesn’t mean license to eat nothing but cheese doodles and ho hos because your boyfriend loves you fat or skinny. But it does mean that you shouldn’t feel like you have to be a size 2 to be sexy.

Also I think that the desire to want your SO to take care of themselves is admirable. Lord knows I encourage my boyfriend to get his ass up off the couch and come running with me even though its hot and we’re tired. Its not because I want to see him skinny, I just want him to be healthy so we can live longer together. And thats something people who love each other do. But the LW and this guy were not at that stage, and he has no clue (and neither do the rest of us) if she takes care of herself or not. Not everyone who is healthy will be skinny.

avatar Theenemyofmyenemyisagrilledcheesesandwich July 28, 2011, 4:00 pm

And I totally agree that you shouldn’t have to be a size 2 to feel sexy. This guy wasn’t going to respect the LW no matter what size she is.

I just get bothered when in reaction to the unfair beauty standards that are imposed on women, we respond with an attitude that any body criticism is unwarranted. That if someone loves you, they can no longer judge whether or not you are attractive. That ONLY what is inside counts. Women don’t treat men that way. The way a man looks, MATTERS. His hygiene MATTERS.

I don’t think the LW has a problem with either of those examples (how would I?) and she is CLEARLY not the problem here. He is. I just don’t like knee-jerk cultures that lack nuance.

avatar robottapocalypse July 28, 2011, 6:30 pm

“This guy wasn’t going to respect the LW no matter what size she is.”
This is sooooooo true. She should take some time to see what she’s hunting for and how she’s advertising it.

I hear the women here calling for Kate Harding to appear. There are fetish sites for this kind of thing. I suggest the LW go to those for dating. You will find men with similar values, and that matters in this compartment. Men who value your size will value you for it.

But, don’t expect really fit guys to want you unless they have a fetish for it. If you can’t keep up with him physically, you won’t be able to do the things he enjoys doing or share physical activities which would be a heartbreaking disadvantage for long-term dating a fit person. Fit people rarely stay that way by sitting around.

Finally, I totally agree that investment in the things about yourself that your spouse values is an investment in the relationship. Picking someone who values you for who you are and who you can be is key. You won’t get anywhere picking someone who can’t value you from the start.

avatar Jenwaw July 29, 2011, 9:28 am

Um, I respectfully disagree. She may be able to “keep up with a “fit” person”, afterall, she stated her size, not her work out plan or eating habits. She isn’t even close to the fetish point. Usually men looking for that are looking for 260 lbs plus.

People come in all shapes and sizes, metabolizism changes through out people’s lifetime (especially with women.) Come to think of it, she didn’t even say that she wanted “a real fit person”. I think she is just looking for some one to care about her.

avatar SpaceySteph July 29, 2011, 9:47 am

Agree with you Jenwaw. A size 12 is a normal person with a not terribly unhealthy weight, not a fetish item.
I oscillate between a size 10 and a size 12, however I run 2-3 miles 4 times a week, play softball, am getting into yoga, eat semi-healthy. I’m not exactly a cow. While I could not start dating a marathon runner tomorrow and keep up with him for 26 miles, if he actually liked me for me and hung around long enough, I could train myself up to that level.

The idea that a fit person would only date a size 12 because he had a fetish for fat chicks is ridiculous. Maybe he would like her for her intelligence or personality. Replace size 12 with size 20 and you MAY have a point. MAY. But there’s more to compatibility than appearance.

avatar MissDre July 28, 2011, 3:54 pm

Looking after yourself is part of loving yourself. Nobody’s saying, gain 100 pounds and it doesn’t matter. I think people just mean, whatever your body/fitness/health goals are… do it because you love yourself, not because you’re afraid somebody else won’t love you.

avatar robottapocalypse July 28, 2011, 6:36 pm

loving someone, and being interested in having sex with them are two incredibly different things.

I love my brother, but would never have sex with him. I love my best friend bubba, but I wouldn’t have sex with him….

leilani leilani July 28, 2011, 3:55 pm

I don’t think anyone was perpetuating that myth in this particular thread. Never did Wendy say that this guy is an ass because he didn’t like her figure. She simply said that there are guys that will, while suggesting that she look into taking better care of herself to boost her self-esteem. At a size 12, I really don’t think health is an issue at this point.

avatar neuroticbeagle July 28, 2011, 8:01 pm

I had to give you a purple thumb at this because depending on certain factors like genes and height, a size twelve can cause health problems. I was a size twelve when the doctor told me to lose weight because I am only five foot tall and the extra fat was exasterbating a certain health condition that I am genetically predisposed to having. (thanks mom and dad )

I know that no where in LW’s letter is this implied, we have no way of knowing how healthy she is, but I wanted to throw it out there that there is such a thing as an unhealthy size 12.

avatar Marie July 28, 2011, 9:49 pm

Exactly.And being 145 pounds for one person,depending on their height,might be considered fine.But for another person’s height,it’s considered too heavy/skinny.

avatar Britannia July 29, 2011, 12:55 am

I was about to say the same thing. We don’t know how tall the LW is or what her BMI is.

For all we know, she’s 4′ 9″ and a size 12 in women’s, which is NOT healthy no matter how you swing it. Just like being 6′ 0″ and a size 0 is not healthy.

leilani leilani July 29, 2011, 10:19 am

But I don’t think there was anything in the letter to indicate that health was an issue. She said she was a size 12, and “more curvy than anything”. This really doesn’t imply obesity.

avatar neuroticbeagle July 29, 2011, 10:56 am

I did not say that she was obese. In fact, I mentioned that I had absolutely no clue as to what the LW’s health status is; I wasn’t talking about the LW.

I took exception to your blanket statement that because someone is a size 12 they are probably a healthy weight. Some people who are a size twelve are a healthy weight, others are not.

I do not believe that a dress size determines whether someone is a healthy weight or not, especially since dress sizes can vary depending on the type of clothing, the style of the clothing and certainly the store in which the clothing was bought.

avatar RoyalEagle0408 July 30, 2011, 5:26 pm

I completely agree because I’m in the category of “If I was a size 12, I would be obese”.

leilani leilani July 30, 2011, 5:56 pm

I just think its weird that people are making this into a “health” issue when there is nothing in the letter that would suggest she has any health problems whatsoever in regards to her weight.

avatar Calliopedork July 28, 2011, 4:18 pm

That only applies to someone who loves you and who you love back. As a love partner u should take care of your health and appearance. Your love partner does have a right to let you know if you’ve let yourself go and the attraction is waning. It is unfair to expect your partner to keep wanting to screw you if you have drastically altered your appearance in a bad way. But the lw is the same size as when she met dickface so he is just a douche. You shouldnt screw people you find too ugly to be seen with.

avatar ForeverYoung July 28, 2011, 4:24 pm

That you, Calliopedork, that is exactly what I was going to say. No you should not let someone you love pick up unhealthy habits, but that doesn’t apply here. This guy clearly didn’t love her, so it’s not his place to discuss her health habits.

avatar silver_dragon_girl July 28, 2011, 3:59 pm

Incoming simile…

OK, LW, listen up. Guys are like chocolate. This guy, this douchebag/tool/jerk/d*ck/rotten excuse for an adult male, is like that crappy “chocolate-flavored coating” they put in cheap candy. It doesn’t taste very good and it only satisfies your chocolate craving for as long as you can delude yourself that it’s actually chocolate. After like 20 minutes you realize how yucky it is and want something better. BUT! Since it’s been a while since you had some real Belgian goodness, you fixate on the cheapo stuff and convince yourself that you need more of it.

There is WAY better chocolate out there. What do you want? Cake? Cookies? Solid candy? Light? Dark? Ice cream? With nuts (I would hope, but…)? Without nuts?

There are a zillion types of chocolate out there. MORE THAN ONE OF THEM will no doubt satisfy you. But not the cheap shit from the dollar store. You deserve WAY better. Girlfriend, I have dated, exclusively from dating sites, for the past 2.5 years, and my weight has fluctuated during that time. I can guarantee you that there are no more Toblerone bars at a size 8 than there were at a size 14. And no fewer, either :)

katie katie July 28, 2011, 8:00 pm

ahhh i love this!!! not only because i love chocolate, but because its so true!! and to take it a little further- you dont have to try very hard to find cheap chocolate, its all over, in a lot of candies. but to find the real, real good chocolate, the nice 70% straight from belguim stuff, you have to sift through all the crap chocolate. and once you taste it, you will be completely satisfied and will never even think about crap chocolate again.

avatar cdobbs July 28, 2011, 4:00 pm

ugh, if anyone should be embarrassed here it should be you for being with such a total tool! who cares what this loser thinks! go out and find a real man, not some shallow pathetic loser (who probably didn’t look like Brad Pitt himself!)! sorry my comments usually have a little rage mixed in as I write them while at work and in a cranky mood :P

avatar Painted_lady July 28, 2011, 4:04 pm

LW, I absolutely agree with Wendy and all the commenters that you’re not fat and you need to make an effort to rebuild your self-esteem and be happy with yourself. They’ve all said it way better than me. Find some physical activity you love, be it dance, yoga, roller derby, whatever, and sticking with it and watching yourself progress both in skill and in physical well-being will do wonders for your self-esteem. Make the effort in your appearance that you deserve.

One other thing, though, and I want it to be clear I am NOT judging you for inadvertently being this doucheapotamus’ FWB: don’t accept casual sex when what you really want is a relationship. A lot of women – myself formerly included in this group, which is why I can’t judge – want to be “cool” or not like other girls who only want a commitment, or whatever it is. We’re taught to be accommodating and gracious, and sometimes that means we feel like we should be grateful for whatever we can get. I know he didn’t overtly say you were FWB, but the fact that he never took you on a real date should, in future, be completely unacceptable. Lesson learned, and expect and demand better for yourself. No one is going to treat you better than you feel like you deserve, and you gotta own that you absolutely deserve a man who actually wants *you.*

avatar silver_dragon_girl July 28, 2011, 4:35 pm

Loud “seconded” to your second paragraph. That is one thing I have struggled with a lot– the desire to NOT be that stereotypical clingy girl who just wants to get married and have babies. And yet…I do want a long-term relationship, with the ultimate goal of having a family. So shouldn’t I be able to ask for that?

LW, hold out for what YOU want. If you want to date without sex, that is FINE. If you want to hook up without dating, that is fine, too! Or anything in between. Do NOT be afraid or ashamed of asking for what you want.

Closed mouths don’t get fed.

avatar Eljay July 29, 2011, 8:39 am

“Closed mouths don’t get fed” LOVE THIS!

avatar Desiree July 28, 2011, 5:33 pm

Definitely agree with you. It sounds like, in the future, she should take a little more time to establish the nature of a guy’s interest before introducing sex into the equation. Nothing is guaranteed in the world of dating, but it should lower the risk for a repeat of this situation.

avatar neuroticbeagle July 29, 2011, 12:52 am

doucheapotamus

I nominate this as the best word on the thread.

avatar Wendy July 28, 2011, 4:05 pm

This made me so, so sad. I’m about your age, and divorced as well, and a size 10-12 (but probably a 16-20 in my head and when I look in the mirror). I’m glad your question wasn’t about how to starve yourself so you COULD be skinny enough for him or for what you think other guys might want. I hope you’re able to hold on to that healthy body image even in the face of this rejection. You certainly dodged a bullet there, whether you realized it at the time or not. Good luck!

avatar Britannia July 29, 2011, 12:57 am

Just a side note – you do NOT have to “starve yourself” in order to become skinny. Not all skinny girls are starving. I hate that bias just as much as I hate the bias that all fat people are slobs.

Calorie intake > calorie expenditure = fatter. Calorie intake < calorie expenditure = thinner. That does NOT always equate to being a glutton OR starving.

avatar ForeverYoung July 28, 2011, 4:19 pm

The thing about self esteem is that you have to understand it is all in your head. It is not real, it is only how you perceive yourself. So you just need to get a better attitude. You have to realize that this guy was a jerk and all that other stuff everyone above has said. But him being a jerk won’t give you any higher self esteem, so you have to start working on yourself.

Do things that make you happy. Like Wendy said, get a pedicure, buy a new dress, work out, whatever makes you happy and feel like you’re beautiful and worthy of love – do those things.

I don’t know if my little story will help, but i’ll share it in case it does. I used to be a size 12. I am only 5’1, so that was fatter than I needed to be, but I only weighed about 145. I was depressed and overall just didn’t feel good about myself, so I didn’t eat for a couple months (slight exageration – I obviously ate, but only about 700 calories a day for two months straight) and lost about 25 pouds. Now I am a size 4.

I still have the EXACT SAME ISSUES AS BEFORE. Now i’m self conscious because when people who haven’t seen me in a while tell me I look great I wonder if that means before they thought I was a huge fat ass and now only talk to me because I am what many people (not celebrities obviously) would consider a great size to be at. Having low self esteem affects people of all shapes and sizes. I’m only telling you this so you realize these self esteem issues are in your head, not stored in fat. If you lose the weight you aren’t going to magically be super confident. You didn’t mention wanting to lose weight specifically, so i’m sorry if this isn’t helpful to you, I just want you to realize you need to work on making yourself happy.

When I first told my husband that I was going on a diet he told me to be careful and not lose too much because he loved my muscular legs, big boobs, and curvy stomach. He said it made me look like a woman. Now that I am quite smaller (I swear when you’re this short you can lose 5 pounds and lose 2 dress sizes) he still loves the way I look. The point is that with the right guy, you will be perfect no matter what size you’re at. Find someone who loves who you are inside, so that when your outsides change with age, weight loss, weight gain, whatever, they will love you all the same.

avatar Desiree July 28, 2011, 5:38 pm

You are so right about the self-esteem issue. All the pretty girls that I have envied before probably have the exact same issues as me. My childhood best friend is a perfect example: slender, busty, blonde. Yet she stayed in an awful relationship for two years with someone who made her feel like dirt because she couldn’t accept she deserved better. It took meeting her now-husband to realize what she was missing. Most woman go through this, and it is not truly tied to how we look.

avatar SpaceySteph July 28, 2011, 5:45 pm

“these self esteem issues are in your head, not stored in fat. If you lose the weight you aren’t going to magically be super confident.”

Hah I love that! Could become my new mantra: “Body issues are not stored in fat!”

I had a similar problem you describe. In my junior year of college I decided to get healthy (note: not skinny) but in the process I lost about 30 pounds and about 4 pant sizes. And then when I met guys after that, I was always afraid to get involved with them. I mean obviously they only wanted me because I was “pretty” now, and if they knew the real me, the fat me, then they wouldn’t like me anymore. Nevermind that “pretty” is not exclusively defined by pant size. Nevermind that they hadn’t even known me when I was fat and therefore couldn’t possibly say whether they would have liked me then. I KNEW that I was only attractive because I was skinnier and so none of these boys could love me for me.

It took me YEARS to figure out that its not about my pant size and never was.

avatar ForeverYoung July 28, 2011, 9:34 pm

Thank you I’m glad you thought that was clever! I thought so and was starting to get sad that no one else was appreciating it! :) at size 12 She is not obese yet and I think since she has a realistic view point (admitting she’s not what she once was) as soon as she gets her self esteem in check then she can work on other things she can do to better herself

avatar oldie July 28, 2011, 4:29 pm

Size 12 is a very nice size. Post-divorce is a difficult time and regaining self-esteem may take a little while. You dated a complete jerk. Two things to ask yourself: 1) why did you wait until he dumped you instead of stalking out as soon as he said you weren’t skinny enough to be seen in public with 2) what attracted you to him in the first place and how do you want to recalibrate your criteria for guys you date more than once. Avoid desperation, you should expect to have to sift through a lot of guys before you find the right one for you. Things will get better.

avatar BigRedYouSay? July 28, 2011, 6:18 pm

“why did you wait until he dumped you instead of stalking out as soon as he said you weren’t skinny enough to be seen in public with”
THIS.

LW: No more dating for you until you’ve found your self worth. Self worth would have made you shed those excess pounds of which that man consisted the second he inflicted his assiness upon you. Listen to Wendy and the other commenters, please, and don’t waste another minute wondering if you’re skinny enough to date.

avatar HmC July 28, 2011, 6:52 pm

Thumbs up for the use of “assiness”.

avatar redheadblogger July 28, 2011, 4:37 pm

LW, I’m so sorry that you had to meet this toolbox. He didn’t deserve you, and I hope he finds Ms. Toolbox to keep him company while staying waif-thin. I’m a size 12 too. I’ve also dated online. I’m pretty sure that some first dates ended because of my size and the guys just weren’t attracted. But here’s the awesome thing: If they hadn’t passed on me, I wouldn’t have met my boyfriend. I’d be stuck in some dating circle with guys that don’t appreciate me and my size. I wouldn’t have this great man that tells me I’m beautiful and when I mention dieting gives me a weird look and says “just don’t lose the boobs or the butt…”
You deserve someone that will look at you with genuine amazement and appreciation.
I suggest taking Wendy’s advice and doing something nice for yourself, to boost your confidence a bit, and then get back out there. The guy for you will love you just as you are, and won’t want to be a FWB.
Good luck!

Astronomer Astronomer July 28, 2011, 4:53 pm

I want to jump on the “some dudes like bigger girls” bandwagon with a happy story of my own, because I can totally relate to the feelings the LW is expressing here.

True story: I met my boyfriend on the internet, I’m 30, a size 12/14, and we cannot stop having sex with each other. He’s ridiculously hot for my brain and my curves AND my wobbly bits, just like I’m ridiculously hot for his brain and his beard and his pot belly. Like, sometimes we’ll try to go out to eat, but we’ll get distracted touching each others’ faces, and the next thing you know, we’re doing it ten ways from Tuesday.

That’s not to say we don’t have mutual love and respect and dates. We have those things, too, and the sex would get old if we didn’t. But I’ll be darned if we can’t read in bed together for more than four minutes before the sexy times take over. The funny thing is that I used to be very, very pretty when I younger, and now I’m starting to look my age. (Gravity always wins, darn it!) But the majority of my relationships when I was a hot young thing didn’t have this kind of passion, and if they did, it certainly didn’t last.

Trust me, LW, there will be a man in your future who makes you feel beautiful and sexy just for being you, and he won’t be afraid to let you know. The trick is to not waste any time or headspace on the ones who waffle about what they want or make you feel like less than yourself. Believing that you’re worthy of being with a man who makes you feel this way is the first and and most important step, because otherwise, you’ll keep settling for punks like your most recent ex. All the things Wendy and the others suggest will help you get there.