I know I’m not skinny, but I don’t consider myself fat. I’m a size 12, and I’m curvy more than anything. I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life, and suddenly I felt like I was 21 again being judged for stupid little things. He begged me to continue sleeping with him and be his friend. I ended up sleeping with him once which was a disaster for me, and I tried to be his friend. He didn’t want to let me go, but yet he wanted to keep me a dirty little secret. Finally, it ended because he met someone that was perfectly skinny for him. This has really affected my self-esteem, and how I “put myself out there” and meeting other men. How can I change this? Is hope lost for women who aren’t skin and bones? Was this man truly embarrassed by me? — Not Skinny Enough for Him
Here’s what happened: this guy was not into you/ attracted to you enough to make you his girlfriend — or even take you out on a date — but you were good enough to relieve a little sexual tension while he waited for someone he did like. Does that mean that every guy you’re going meet is like that? Hell, no! Does that mean that every guy out there has a similar preference for skinny women? No! There are plenty of men for whom a size 12 — or whatever your size — is a perfect turn-on. But you’re only going to be a good match for them and good girlfriend material if you work on your self-esteem first.
How do you do that? You can start by measuring your value not by guys’ interest in you, but by your accomplishments, positive qualities, and the friendships and relationships you’ve cultivated over the years. If you’re feeling insecure about your looks, get a post-divorce “makeover” to boost your mood. Hit the salon and update your hairdo and color. Book a massage. Get your nails done. Schedule an appointment with your dentist and get a good cleaning or even some whitening if you think you need it. Ask a good friend or two to go shopping with you to help you pick out a couple new outfits that make you feel good about yourself. Join a gym or fitness class and focus on health not weight. Exercise releases feel-good endorphins that boost one’s mood and self-esteem. Smile more — smile at yourself in the mirror and smile at strangers on the street. Smiles are like a natural facelift, shedding years from your age and making you look warm and approachable. Once you feel more confident about your looks, take a few new photos for your dating profile.
Most important, don’t shy away from “putting yourself out there” because of one dumb guy. There are going to be lots of dumb guys out there who will use you and take advantage of you if you let them, but for every one them, there are many wonderful, genuine guys who want to get to know you and take you out and treat you well. Don’t miss out on all the opportunities you could have with any of them just because you feel a little burned by some dude you knew for a few weeks. That’s lame. And quit sleeping with guys who don’t have the decency to take you out for a nice date first and treat you like a lady. Believe that you are too good for that because you are.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org and be sure to follow me on Twitter. ]=[