Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

His Take: “He Doesn’t Want the ‘Honeymoon Stage'”

DW HIS TAKE LOGOHis Take questions are answered by our panel of smart, opinionated, and funny dudes. The guys are pretty split on their advice to this letter writer:

I met a guy online and we started texting back and forth. He told me he had been “talking” to other women, which was fine by me because we had just started talking. On our first date we hit it off and, yes, we slept with each other. We cuddled after and slept in. He asked if I wanted to grab breakfast, but I didn’t have time. On the second date we went out for lunch and hung out at his place; then I hung out with him and his dad. We did not even make out on the second date. On the third date he asked me if I wanted to grab a bite to eat and spend the night. I obliged. I asked him while we were out if he was sleeping with any other women. He said he has fun with me so why sleep with other women, and sleeping with more than one person is gross to him. We slept together again. I asked him why it feels as though he doesn’t want to get to know me and he said: “I’ve worn my heart on my sleeve for too long and have just been hurt.” He said that he wants a relationship of friendship and sex, that he doesn’t want to cuddle all the time and experience “the honeymoon stage” because that eventually ends. Fair enough. I went to sleep and woke up to him cuddling me. When I had to leave, he said “please don’t leave” and we kissed good bye. What is going on?! — Cuddled

Screen Shot 2014-01-08 at 7.14.33 PMBrian: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. The end.

Oh, you need an explanation? Fine. “He doesn’t want to cuddle all the time and experience ‘the honeymoon stage’ because that eventually ends.” Wait, this isn’t even an explanation. It’s an obvious lie and you shouldn’t stand for it. He specifically stated he’s just interested in you for sex (oh, and friendship — yeah, because he sounds like a blast to hang out with, and clearly you’re going to be great friends when you dump his sorry ass) and, while there’s nothing in here specifically about what you want, only a kind of timeline of events in your pseudo relationship, it’s clear that you’re not happy with the direction this is headed in.

You don’t talk about yourself, what you want, how old you are, etc., so allow me to infer that you are in your early 20s (at the oldest) and want some sort of respectful relationship (at the least), whatever that means to you. This is not a relationship. This is a weird relationship. It’s possible that, having met his father, you are subconsciously considering this more of a serious coupling than it really is. However, he’s un-serious and contradictory, dishonest and bizarre. Luckily, since you say nothing about your own feelings for him, you’re virtually indifferent to him anyway.

The time you’ve wasted reading my response is time you should have spent finding someone better for you. Have fun out there.

Dennis Hong 400Dennis Hong: First off, good for him for not making out with you in front of his dad. Who wants to see their kid doing that, anyway? Ergo, let’s remove that tidbit from our pile of clues we’re trying to piece together. That means we have exactly one clue that he is keeping some distance (the comment about wearing his heart on his sleeve and what he wants and doesn’t want), and roughly 20,000 clues that he likes you, including both his words and his actions. If this were a vote, “he likes you” wins by a landslide. For this reason, I don’t see any need to question what’s going on after, what, three dates (?). You’re seeing someone you like, who seems to like you right back, and I think you should just enjoy the so-called “honeymoon phase” without turning it into the “inquisition stage.”

unnamedGuy Friday: Some more context as to the spacing between these dates would have been ideal, but failing that I’m going to suggest that perhaps he already told you what’s going on: He wears his heart on his sleeve. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing; I do too. It just means he is going to suck at hiding his feelings with you. So you get what happens here: He knows that INTELLECTUALLY he needs to take things slow emotionally, but his HEART is already signing up for that “honeymoon stage” he’s talking about. If the dates happened to be fairly close together, that just supports my argument further.

I think you need to decide what YOU want from him and then tell him. If you want to have a relationship, cuddling, etc., then give him your blessing, and I imagine he’ll be thrilled. If you don’t, tell him that he doesn’t have to feel bad about taking it slow because you like it that way. But it sounds like he’s ready for more if you are.

If you’d like to ask the guys a question, email me at [email protected] with “His Take” in the subject line and I’ll pass your question along to them.

12 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Sunshine Brite March 23, 2015, 2:15 pm

    What’s going on? It sounds like casual dating or FWB and you want more than that.

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  • Diablo

    Diablo March 23, 2015, 3:07 pm

    He’s emotionally immature, which automatically makes him suspect as relationship material. He might not be a bad guy, but if he’s not a lying douchebag player, he’s a little boy. The solution for wearing your heart on your sleeve is to stop doing that and not subject a woman (who might actually like you) to your absurd half-thought-out schema of how relationships work. The end of the honeymoon stage is the beginning of the real relationship, yes, but what’s the harm in being on your best behaviour for a bit until you build the basis for that real relationship? (PS – Cuddling is awesome and deffo not just for the honeymoon.) If there IS anything real there, you won’t be able to say exactly when that honeymoon ended anyway – all that good stuff you thought you’d never get just becomes your new baseline. Short answer – ask this guy if he wants to cut the crap already. If he tries to maintain the wall of BS that is his nerd-armour view of grownup relationships, dump his ass.

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    • avatar

      RedroverRedrover March 23, 2015, 3:24 pm

      Nice comment Diablo! I especially like the part about how if it’s real, you won’t really notice/care that the honeymoon’s ended, because things will just keep being good in a different way. I never really thought about it that way, but it’s true!

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  • Addie Pray

    Addie Pray March 23, 2015, 4:03 pm

    I notice a lot of women (and this LW) seem to place a lot of emphasis on cuddling. Like cuddling is what a man does only when he truly cares about you? Otherwise, he’d just fuck you and kick you out of bed? Or something like that? It’s silly. This LW is grasping for some sign that he truly likes her. But, he’s already made it clear that he doesn’t want to get to know her, so … I say that’s the only sign you should focus on, LW. Who cares about the “why” part. It could be for a host of reasons – pretend it’s whatever reason makes you feel better about yourself. Pretend it’s because his intimidated by how smart, successful, and charming you are. That’s what I tell myself about all failed relationships, haha.

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    • avatar

      RedRoverRedRover March 23, 2015, 4:11 pm

      Totally agree. Don’t try to “solve” the puzzle here. Seems to me this guy’s a mess and is reeling from past relationships and doesn’t know what he wants. Do you really want to be around for that? Tell him what you want, and if he can’t do it, then move on.

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    • Diablo

      Diablo March 23, 2015, 4:19 pm

      That’s because cuddling flat-out EQUALS emotional engagement. It is not possible for a man to be physically close to a woman after sex, or even independent of sex, and not be totally sincere about it. That insincerity would instantaneously show the guy’s true colours as an uncaring lout, almost like Pinocchio’s nose growing. That’s why men bolt, before they get found out. If a man cuddles you, you can trust him implicitly. You heard it here first. [OK, how many readers almost believed me there? A lot, I bet. You wanted to believe it, didn’t you?]

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      • avatar

        ktfran March 23, 2015, 4:27 pm

        Well played my friend, well played.

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      • Stonegypsy

        Stonegypsy March 23, 2015, 4:46 pm

        Damn, Diablo. You almost had me.

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    • kare

      kare March 23, 2015, 8:48 pm

      I mean I’ve definitely kicked guys out after sex with no cuddling…but I also don’t really like cuddling. The only way you get to cuddle is if you’re my cats or a friend with benefits that owns a pizza restaurant where I eat for free.

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  • Mr. Cellophane

    Mr. Cellophane March 23, 2015, 4:19 pm

    @ Addie
    You forgot “smokin’ hawt”

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  • avatar

    MsMisery March 24, 2015, 11:37 am

    All I took away from this is that I think “talking” is the stupidest euphemism in recent history. Can we please get back to the dictionary definition of “talking” and come up with something else for whatever you Youngs are doing with your time? /grump

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    • avatar

      RedroverRedrover March 24, 2015, 12:03 pm

      Hahahahaha I am totally with you! At least “hooking up” was a new term. What do you say now if you’re actually just talking to someone?!?!? Also, like I said in another post where we were talking about this term (actually talking, not talking-talking), it seems to be used to purposely create a grey area where no one knows what’s going on. It’s like a safe term for a relationship that doesn’t actually mean anything, and lets you put off any kind of discussion of where it’s going. Not helpful at all, in my opinion.

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