I’m not a very religious person, but he and his family are. I didn’t go to church or anything before we got together. I started going with him because I knew how important it was to him and his family. Granted, I didn’t go every. single. time. But I was going. I was compromising. I was trying.
This past Saturday, I told him that I didn’t really like going to church. He pretty much said he already knew that because I didn’t go all the time with him. But nothing more was said about it. On Sunday morning a friend of mine needed help unloading a U-Haul before she had to return it. I told him I was going to help her because she didn’t have anyone else and he decided to go to church. He acted fine before we left the house, so I didn’t think it was that big a deal. About an hour into my helping her unload her belongings, he TEXTED me and told me how upset he was and how I really hurt his feelings by not being there and spending time with him and his family (even though they live about a mile down the road and we visit them all the time). I explained to him (again) that she really needed me and I apologized for not being there.
Long story short, he pretty much told me that his family doesn’t approve of me anymore because I don’t like going to church. He broke up with me and made me pack all of my stuff and move back to the state that I am from. He let his family pressure him into breaking up with me because our religious beliefs differ. I am so broken right now. I wanted to spend my life with him. We were talking about getting married in the future and starting a family. He is SUCH a good guy. He treated me like a queen. I just don’t understand how, if he really loves me, he could let his family ruin what we had all because I didn’t go to church. I have been all but begging for him to let me come back to him, but he refuses. He said he has a very traditional family and they have very high expectations of him, which include being in church pretty much every time the doors are open and also raising a family in church.
Should I just give up and move on or continue to pursue him even though he is always trying so hard to please his family and they will probably never approve of me again? — Not a Church Lady
Yeah, you should MOA. You moved way, WAY, WAY too fast (dropping everything and moving to another state and moving in with him after knowing him — long distance! — for a month?!) before you knew each other and before you had any clue whether the other’s values and lifestyle meshed with yours. You two are not a match. This isn’t about his family “pressuring” him; this is about not sharing lifestyle choices and long-term goals. (He wants a partner who will go to church all the time, be very enmeshed with his traditional family, and will raise kids at church; you don’t want those things and pretending otherwise or “compromising” on a really big issue isn’t going to work.) It was a mistake to move in with him before even knowing him, and it would be a mistake to continue pursuing this dead-end path. Move on. And next time, make sure you really know someone before you make such big relationship steps. And don’t “drop everything” else when you do!
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].