Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“He Facebook Friended the Woman He Cheated On Me With”

I have been with my boyfriend for three years. About one year ago, I discovered he was having an affair with a girl (she was barely 18, we are nearly 30) who lived in the town he traveled to frequently for business. He claimed for months they were just friends, but every time she would call, he would leave the room, so I knew SOMETHING was happening. He finally confessed that he was in love with her, we broke up, and he moved out of our shared house. A few days later he moved her up to our town. Less than a week later, he was crying to me and wanting to come back. I let him. Two months after that, he did the same thing. We broke up, he left, she came back up here.
Again, he and this girl called it off and he came back. Stupid to let him back, I know.

Now it’s nearly a year later and things between us have been good. I still have some issues trusting him, but so far he has been honest and open about everything, even the things I don’t necessarily want to hear. My problem is, he wants to continue a friendship with the girl he left me for. Twice. I have told him that in no way do I want her around. But, he keep saying he “never turns his back on a friend.” THEN, I got an email from this girl’s current fiancé saying that she and my boyfriend had slept together recently. My boyfriend denies this, and I believe him. He said he realized this girl was drama and that he was going to cut it all off because her friendship wasn’t worth losing our relationship. A couple days later, though, he accepted her friend request on Facebook (or vice versa; I don’t know.) Obviously, this “friendship” isn’t over.

Writing this, I realize that I am paranoid and our relationship is unhealthy. I just kind of want someone to tell me what no one else can: the truth. Should I dump him? Am I overreacting? Is it OK for him to be friends with someone he cheated on me with? (I say NOOOOO). — Twice Bitten

You want the truth? The truth is your boyfriend is a scumbag and has made and continues to make a fool of you while you stand by his side like a clueless woman who doesn’t realize she has a choice not to be exploited and disrespected. Honey, get out of that relationship. MOA! He cheated on you with a teenager. He left you for her twice. You have good reason to believe he continues to cheat on you with her to this day. And then on top of it all, your boyfriend goes and accepts this girl’s friend request on Facebook, telling you he “never turns his back on a friend”?? WTF?! He sure didn’t have a problem turning his back on you when he dumped your ass twice to take up with the teen, did he?

What more do you need to have happen before you get some self-respect and move on? Do you need to actively catch them in bed together? Do you need to be dumped again? I guarantee — stay with your boyfriend a little longer and both of those scenarios are likely to happen in the not-too-distant future. But don’t let them happen! Move on! Pack up your stuff and get the hell out of there. Your boyfriend isn’t over this girl, he doesn’t respect or care for you, and you don’t have a future together (how can you when you don’t trust the guy?). Move on and then get yourself some therapy so you can address the issues that kept you in such an unhealthy relationship for so long.

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected] and be sure to follow me on Twitter.

100 comments… add one
  • avatar

    TheOtherMe August 24, 2011, 3:02 pm

    ” I just kind of want someone to tell me what no one else can: the truth. Should I dump him? ”

    yes. yesterday

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    • avatar

      lk August 24, 2011, 3:04 pm

      Or, like, a year ago :/

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    • avatar

      soandso August 25, 2011, 1:45 am

      I’m wondering why no one else has told her that…

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      • avatar

        Neil G. August 25, 2011, 1:23 pm

        He should’ve stayed dumped the first time… It’s one thing to try to work through infidelity if you’re married and have years and years invested (and possibly kids involved), but if were only together a year or two then you should’ve moved on and not looked back.

        The thing is, he thinks that at this point he can get away with it… because he has. He knows you’ll get pissed, blow up and in a few weeks all he has to do is tuck his tail between his legs, tell you he’s “weally sowwy” and that it’ll never happen again and you’ll gleefully accept him back into your life. Don’t do it.

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  • avatar

    Jena August 24, 2011, 3:03 pm

    You should have dumped him after the first time he cheated. STOP SETTLING.

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  • avatar

    lk August 24, 2011, 3:03 pm

    This is not healthy. Please turn *your* back on *him* ASAP & don’t turn around, since you have not been capable of realizing how bad this man is for your mental & emotional well-being.

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  • avatar

    Laurel August 24, 2011, 3:06 pm

    DTMFA! This guy is super sleazy. There are so many reasonable, decent, grown men who shudder at the thought of dating a teenager, and you’re willing to stay with a “man” who dumped you *twice* for one?? No way. Dump him! Do it today!

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  • avatar

    lk August 24, 2011, 3:06 pm

    & HOW in the F-ing world did her fiance get hold of LW’s email address?? Very confusing.

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    • cmary

      CMF August 24, 2011, 3:09 pm

      I wondered the same thing! How convoluted.

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    • Budj

      Budjer August 24, 2011, 3:07 pm

      facebook message probably

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      • avatar

        lk August 24, 2011, 3:11 pm

        creepy, creepy, creepy!!!! just the fact that he knew where to find her/who she was would be enough to have me running the hell away from bad-bad-boyfriend. & WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY would she believe her boyfriend when he said he hadn’t slept with her??????????? mysteries abound.

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      • Budj

        Budjer August 24, 2011, 3:14 pm

        I don’t think it’s creepy that the fiance contacted her… The fiance was pissed and wanted to rat out the LW’s bf – the girl obviously knows who the LW is and it’s as easy as typing someone’s name in the search field on facebook to find their name and send a message.

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      • Budj

        Budjer August 24, 2011, 3:16 pm

        As far as believing the BF? Why did we (at least I did, haha) believe in Santa Claus as children? We wanted to believe it and put trust in our parents….those lying bastards.

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      • avatar

        TheOtherMe August 24, 2011, 3:29 pm

        …”We wanted to believe it and put trust in our parents….those lying bastards.”…

        HAHAH —-> C.O.T.W. 😀

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      • Budj

        Budjer August 24, 2011, 5:00 pm

        haha pretty pleeeeease!

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  • avatar

    kerrycontrary August 24, 2011, 3:08 pm

    Exactly was I was thinking Wendy! LW, your boyfriend does not respect you. In fact, he probably doesn’t respect women in general. Because if he did he wouldn’t lie and cheat on you. Furthermore, when you tell him something specifically bothers and hurts you (like being friends with that homewrecking biatch), he wouldn’t continue to do it! How can you even stand to be in the same room as him nonetheless live with him? And you know why you attract a disrespectful man like this? Because you don’t respect yourself.

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    • avatar

      oldie August 24, 2011, 4:50 pm

      I gave this the purple thumbs down, because I really don’t see th 18-year old as ‘that homewrecking biatch’. Really? More like she’s a near-adolescent who was preyed upon by the scumbag 30-something boyfriend, whom we know to be a liar and serial cheat. So, why blame the girl? It doesn’t matter if bf stays away from this particular girl, he’ll just find another. This is not a case of Lolita homewrcker seducing a good man away from his girlfriend.

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      • avatar

        kf August 24, 2011, 6:21 pm

        Exactly. EXACTLY.

        “He said he realized this girl was drama” says it all. Congratulations on being plan B, after teenager #1 turns out, shockingly, to be “drama”. Is *your* plan A to hope that teenagers #2, 3… all turn out to be drama also?

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      • avatar

        Kerrycontrary August 24, 2011, 6:25 pm

        It’s not like she was 14. When I was 18 I knew enough not to sleep with some other girl’s live-in boyfriend. Plus, she’s obviously old enough to be engaged and *possibly* cheat on that fiance.

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      • avatar

        Maracuya August 24, 2011, 6:29 pm

        Yeah. I agree that while it’s not fair to put all the blame on her (he is her crappy boyfriend and deserves the blame.) I take issue with the whole ‘She’s 18, she’s so young and naive!’ I feel like that’s almost insulting. When I was 18, I wouldn’t have slept with anyone else’s boyfriend, sorry.

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      • avatar

        kf August 24, 2011, 6:39 pm

        The point is not “she’s so young and naive”; the point is that the teenager’s character has absolutely nothing at all to do with LW’s problems. I wouldn’t have slept with anyone else’s partner at 18 either, but when I was 30, it’s conceivable that in a moment of weakness I could have slipped up with another appropriately aged adult. I could NEVER EVER EVER have been seduced by, much less left my partner twice for, an 18 year old.

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      • landygirl

        Landygirl August 24, 2011, 7:07 pm

        I don’t really feel sorry for the teenager and I’m fairly certain that this won’t be the last time she gets in the middle of a relationship. Let’s hope she finds some character at some point.

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      • avatar

        Maracuya August 24, 2011, 7:16 pm

        I agree. I don’t think calling her a homewrecker is productive because it puts the active role on her, when…clearly the guy is a roamer. But calling her a ‘near-adolescent who’s been preyed upon’ seems to absolve her of any responsibility.

        Anyhow, that’s not the issue. LW’s got way bigger problems than ‘the other woman’ and waaay bigger than the issue of facebook friending. The guy’s a grade A creep.

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      • avatar

        El August 24, 2011, 7:06 pm

        “Plus, she’s obviously old enough to be engaged”

        Eh…I wouldn’t use this as a test of her possible maturity. Teenagers tend to throw the term “engagement” around pretty lightly. Didn’t everyone go to high school with one of those girls who “got engaged” to every boyfriend she managed to keep around for longer than 3 months? My guess is that this girl isn’t actually planning a wedding. She’s an immature kid who clearly doesn’t even know what (or who) she wants.

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      • avatar

        Kerrycontrary August 24, 2011, 7:51 pm

        I just think its silly that this thread became so long over a couple of words. I should’ve just said “Furthermore, when you tell him something specifically bothers and hurts you, he wouldn’t continue to do it!”. The “homewrecking biatch” wasn’t to be taken that seriously….Obviously I know that both parties are to blame in this messy situation.

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  • avatar

    silver_dragon_girl August 24, 2011, 3:10 pm

    Dump him. Dump him now.

    Please, LW, listen to Wendy. This guy is BAD NEWS. He will only continue to hurt you. He can offer you NOTHING except a relationship filled with disrespect, distrust, dishonesty, jealousy, lies, and suspicion. You deserve SO much more than that.

    You were willing to take him back, twice, which shows you are a caring, compassionate person, and you probably love him deeply. But caring, compassionate people deserve other caring, compassionate people, and this guy is NOT one of them.

    If he really, truly loved you, he would have nothing to do with this girl. It would be the easiest thing in the world for him to defriend her on facebook, to calmly send her a message saying due to their history they could no longer be “friends.” The thought of causing you any MORE pain or anguish than he has already would be so unacceptable to him that he wouldn’t even THINK about continuing ANY sort of “friendship” with this girl. Clearly, that is not the case.

    Please, please end this and move on to someone who will treat you well. *hugs*

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    • avatar

      MissDre August 24, 2011, 3:14 pm

      If he really truly loved her, he would never have cheated in the first place. But I get what you’re saying.

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      • avatar

        silver_dragon_girl August 24, 2011, 3:21 pm

        Well, yeah, of course. I just don’t think it’s very helpful to the LW for all of us to focus on how she SHOULD have dumped him and stayed away the first time. She needs help with the situation she’s in now.

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  • avatar

    Morgan August 24, 2011, 3:14 pm

    Dump. Him.

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    • avatar

      Britannia August 24, 2011, 3:32 pm

      Seriously, there aren’t even words forming in my head right now to give this LW any advice. All I could think after reading the headline is:

      “HELL TO THE M’FUCKING _NO_!”

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  • avatar

    Eljay August 24, 2011, 3:15 pm

    This guy is the lowest form of scumbag there is. My ex did this with a girl he “broke up” with and swore up and down that they were just “friends”. She just needed a friend during a tough time in her life. What a load of crap! He’s just looking for an excuse to stay in contact with her because he doesn’t WANT to move on or let her go. If you were a priority in his life, he would dump her ass like she were a grenade with the pin pulled. Don’t sacrifice one more second with this loser, you deserve better.

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  • avatar

    Lexington August 24, 2011, 3:17 pm

    I realize it’s hard to be living out a frat boy movie, but it’s true! You can take charge and live out a girl empowerment movie- it’s never too late!

    Thus ends my snarky advice for the day.

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    • avatar

      Eljay August 24, 2011, 3:18 pm

      heehee….I love “snarky”

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      • avatar

        Lexington August 24, 2011, 3:34 pm

        Let’s just say it’s a good thing I have no pressing urge to be an aadvice columnist…I can tell you right now 95% of my advice would be, “Grow the fuck up already.” 😉

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      • avatar

        Eljay August 24, 2011, 3:48 pm

        I know right! Wendy is so tactful and thoughtful with her responses! Sometimes (like with this LW) that’s exactly the response I would give! I vote for a new acronym “GTFUA”!!!!

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  • avatar

    SGMcG August 24, 2011, 3:22 pm

    Your “boyfriend” may “never turns his back on a friend.” Yet he does turn his back on his girlfriend on MANY levels. Not only is he a cheater, but he obviously does not respect your feelings regarding the incident and has no interest in building up trust with you. MOA, DTMFA, do whatever it takes not to be this guy’s girlfriend anymore!

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    • Budj

      Budjer August 24, 2011, 3:23 pm

      He probably meant “I never turn my butt to where I can put my penis”

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      • avatar

        SGMcG August 24, 2011, 3:28 pm

        OR maybe he meant “I never turn my penis away from an easy slip-in-slide.”

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      • avatar

        SGMcG August 24, 2011, 3:35 pm

        OR maybe he meant “I never turn my back on my future Baby Mama.” Heaven forbid. GET TESTED STAT LW!

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      • avatar

        Theenemyofmyenemyisagrilledcheesesandwich August 24, 2011, 4:26 pm

        Oh geez, I feel so bad laughing at this, but ‘OR maybe he meant “I never turn my back on my future Baby Mama.”’ cracked me up.

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      • Budj

        Budjer August 24, 2011, 3:37 pm

        haha yea…I can’t believe not one person has mentioned that one….I think it’s because most of us could only muster some form of MOA at first…but yea…she should double check that her V-house doesn’t have any uninvited guests.

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      • avatar

        Caris August 25, 2011, 10:33 pm

        I laughed so hard when i read this.

        *sigh*

        *lol*

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  • avatar

    MonMon August 24, 2011, 3:27 pm

    LW, have some dignity, please.

    In the meantime, DUMP this piece of dirt and seek therapy so you can build some self respect BEFORE you get into any new relationships.

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  • avatar

    Quakergirl August 24, 2011, 3:28 pm

    Here’s the truth: your boyfriend is an asshat and a liar and you deserve better! Dump him!

    Need some reasons? Let’s review, shall we?

    1) He dumped you for a teenager. That is beyond icky. He clearly has some issues or he wouldn’t be running after someone that young. (NB: I’m not saying all age differences are creepy, even big ones, but 18 is basically a zygote compared to someone who’s 30).

    2) He dumped you for a teenager twice!

    3) He then decided his “friendship” with her was more important than his relationship with you and continued talking to her.

    4) He may or may not have (but probably did) continue cheating on you with her.

    What part of this makes you want to stay with him? Grow some lady balls and kick his ass to the curb honey! …and then get yourself checked for STDs pronto.

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    • avatar

      crazymary August 24, 2011, 3:34 pm

      Extra thumbs up for “asshat”.

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      • MaterialsGirl

        Elizabeth August 24, 2011, 4:31 pm

        The word of the week is: Asshats.

        I’ve used it earlier in the week at work 🙂

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    • avatar

      Princess Bananahammock August 24, 2011, 4:14 pm

      Extra thumbs up for “lady balls.”

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    • avatar

      Eljay August 24, 2011, 4:28 pm

      Extra extra thumbs up for “zygote”!

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  • avatar

    Bethany August 24, 2011, 3:36 pm

    MOA and do it FAST. Grow a pair and kick this loser to the curb!!

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  • bagge72

    bagge72 August 24, 2011, 3:43 pm

    Wendy was being nice to you, I though she would have come down a bit harder, but no C-word! Haha Dump him, and don’t talk to him if you see him at a friends wedding, because you don’t have to do that either!

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    • avatar

      Eljay August 24, 2011, 3:51 pm

      Hahahahaaaaa!!! Touche’!

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  • avatar

    melikeycheesecake August 24, 2011, 3:48 pm

    Yeah… you gotta leave him. Really step back and re-read and re-think everything that has happened over the last year or so. You really trust him? You really think this is “the one” I mean REALLY?!!!! Find someone who will love and respect you!

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  • avatar

    AKchic August 24, 2011, 3:50 pm

    Honey, he should be lucky it wasn’t me he was dealing with. I wouldn’t have allowed him back the first time he left.

    You are with a guy who is not only reliving his experiences by TELLING YOU all about them (which hurts you all over again), he refuses to cut off contact, while paying you cheap lip service by saying that he realizes she’s toxic. She has a fiance that she is cheating on in order to continue sleeping with your guy. Technically, by 3 degrees of separation, you are sleeping with her fiance too. Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, doesn’t it?
    Get a girlfriend or three to come over (maybe even this girl’s fiance too!), help you pack up his shit while he’s not there, and then kick his ass out. Block him from all social networking sites, delete his number, etc. Get into therapy to figure out why you kept wasting time and self esteem on such a jerk. Get yourself checked for STDs. If that girl was cheating on a long-term guy/fiance already, then there may be other guys he didn’t know about. Better to be safe than sorry.

    I’m sorry you wasted so much time, energy, emotions and heart-ache on such a dumbass. The sooner you dump him, the sooner you can start healing and move on and make better choices for a happier future for yourself. You deserve better and I hope he ends up with a raging case of anal warts 🙂

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  • avatar

    Nina August 24, 2011, 3:53 pm

    “He cheated on you with a teenager…then on top of it all, your boyfriend goes and accepts this girl’s friend request on Facebook, telling you he “never turns his back on a friend”?? WTF?! He sure didn’t have a problem turning his back on you when he dumped your ass twice to take up with the teen, did he?”

    Wendy, yes yes YES!! This is exactly what I was thinking!! Literally, SHOUTED at the screen!!! 🙂

    Get out lady, out out OUT! He’s an immature sauce! Doesn’t even matter if he is cheating now, LEAVE!!!

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  • Budj

    Budjer August 24, 2011, 3:05 pm

    Dump his ass!!

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  • avatar

    Theenemyofmyenemyisagrilledcheesesandwich August 24, 2011, 4:07 pm

    Lady, you are only paranoid if your fears are UNFOUNDED.

    MOA.

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  • avatar

    Foots August 24, 2011, 4:13 pm

    DUMP. Now.

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  • Jess

    Jess of CityGirlsWorld.com August 24, 2011, 4:14 pm

    Wendy’s words may sting but LW asked for the hard truth so she got it. It’s all true of course!

    There are times when a person hurts their partner and forgiveness is possible. I’ve always believed there are also some things that are classified as “unforgiveables.” This is one of those examples.

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    • avatar

      Eljay August 24, 2011, 4:18 pm

      Completely agree.

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    • avatar

      Maracuya August 24, 2011, 4:19 pm

      I expected something different from the letter. Maybe more along the lines of: “My husband facebook friended this woman in his office who he had an affair with 9 years ago.”

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  • MaterialsGirl

    Elizabeth August 24, 2011, 4:32 pm

    DUMP HIM… then report back to us immediately for rounds of applause, congratulatory thumbs up, words of encouragement etc etc

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  • avatar

    AndreaMarie August 24, 2011, 4:34 pm

    This guy is a scumbag who clearly doesn’t care about “turning his back” on you…twice! And did you ever stop to think that things are good between the 2 of you now just because this teen is engaged?! What if her engagement falls through and she’s single again. I garuntee he will be out the door for the 3rd time.

    Let this creep pine away after his teen lover. You deserve so much more than do be is “filler” or second best!

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  • avatar

    sweetleaf August 24, 2011, 4:49 pm

    This can not be real. Are people really this stupid??

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    • landygirl

      Landygirl August 24, 2011, 7:01 pm

      Sadly, yes.

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    • avatar

      AKchic August 24, 2011, 7:04 pm

      Unfortunately, yes… some are this blind. I wouldn’t necessarily say “stupid”. It’s not stupid to want to believe that you are in a good relationship and that your suspicions are unfounded. It’s not stupid to give someone a second chance. It’s not necessarily stupid to having a loving or trusting nature. You can, however, stupidly go against your better judgement or instincts and be blind to your erstwhile lover’s faults, issues and obvious lies.

      It is stupid to be willingly blind, or purposely blind. Or even knowingly turn a blind eye towards the issue. She no longer can (which I think she was, because she was in denial of the issue for so long) and just wants that extra push to do what she knows she needs to do because her self esteem is so low now because of her lack of insight into her former love.

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    • avatar

      Bethany August 25, 2011, 11:22 am

      I had a “friend” who was in this exact same situation- Maybe she’s the LW, now that I’m thinking about it… But anyway, YES, she was that stupid. She kept going back time after time- he told her he would never love her, he cheated on her, he tried to pick up girls while they were out together- Eventually her relationship with him ended our friendship because I just couldn’t stand to hear about this loser anymore!

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  • avatar

    ReginaRey August 24, 2011, 3:52 pm

    “And then on top of it all, your boyfriend goes and accepts this girl’s friend request on Facebook, telling you he “never turns his back on a friend”?? WTF?! He sure didn’t have a problem turning his back on you when he dumped your ass twice to take up with the teen, did he?” THIS THIS THIS!!!!!!!

    OMFG LW. You want the truth?? Here it is – Your boyfriend treats you like absolute SHIT because you allow him to. You do not posses on ounce, not one morsel, of self-esteem or confidence. If you did, this situation would be laughable. No confident, self-respecting woman with her shit together even CONSIDERS dating a man who would leave her TWICE for a teenager. And then insist on being FRIENDS with this teenager. Your scumbag of a boyfriend has the mental capacity of an 18-year-old too, if at 30+ years old he thinks 1) cheating on his girlfriend and 2)with a TEENAGER isn’t creepy and vastly inappropriate.

    No, confident women with their shit together date MEN. Your boyfriend is a MAN CHILD!! Get out. Today! Dump his ass, and do not look back. Go to therapy, counseling, get a life coach, something – because this kind of disrespect of yourself isn’t healthy, nor is it normal.

    A lot of women like to say that “I deserve better.” And ultimately, that’s true. But you don’t “deserve better” if you don’t do anything, or put any work in. Right now, you’re putting 0 work into making your life better. So start today – get rid of the lousy ass boyfriend and start working on your confidence, self-esteem and self-respect. Because once you do, you WILL deserve more than this. You’ll be so above this, people like him won’t even make a blip on your radar. And that’s a GOOD thing.

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    • avatar

      Nina August 24, 2011, 3:55 pm

      ReginaRey, I just posted my comment and then saw yours! I didn’t mean to repost 🙂 Haha, too funny.

      Great minds think alike!

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    • avatar

      MonMon August 24, 2011, 4:19 pm

      Beautifully said, ReginaRey, as always. No sugarcoating, just how I like it 🙂

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    • katie

      katie August 24, 2011, 9:45 pm

      i totally agree. and i think that this guy might be going through a mid life crisis…. going after young girls, being apart of all the drama that comes with it, lying, cheating, ect… kinda sounds EXACTLY like high school, right, something that a 30 year old man might be pining after? im not making excuses for him, but i hope that the LW doesn’t want to date a high school boy.. i mean, i know I don’t.

      LW, let this guy go re-live his high school days and you go and live a real, grown up life. just please stop taking him back! omg!!

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  • CatsMeow

    CatsMeow August 24, 2011, 5:41 pm

    I think we’ve probably all been in one of these situations where we’ve stayed in a toxic relationship for too long – for a variety of reasons, I’m sure. LW, it’s a blow to your ego to admit to yourself just how HORRIBLY he has treated you and disrespected you, so it might be easier for you to put your blinders on and defend him. Just take it from us – this is not a healthy relationship. Get him out of your life ASAP and you will probably feel more relief than anything else. Being single is always preferable to being taken advantage of!

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  • avatar

    Princess Bananahammock August 24, 2011, 5:56 pm

    Am I the only one who finds it hard to believe that no one has told LW the truth? Geesh. After you dump this guy, find some better friends.

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    • avatar

      Bethany August 25, 2011, 12:46 pm

      I’m sure plenty of people have told her the truth, but she’s choosing not to believe them. We told my “friend” over and over what a loser her bf was- He cheated on her, sent her home from vacation in another country early (like packed her bags, drove her to the airport and said, “go home”), he told her he didn’t love her, he allegedly sexually assaulted her, the list goes on and on… But YES, we told her. She just chose not to listen.

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  • caitie_didnt

    caitie_didn't August 24, 2011, 6:38 pm

    Holy crap on a cracker, LW….DTMFA. DTMFA right now! Hell, DTMFA YESTERDAY!

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  • avatar

    va-in-ny August 24, 2011, 6:40 pm

    What would be the point of the fiance reaching out to you to tell you a lie? What good does it benefit him? In instances like these, truth comes.

    I say get out while you can still keep some dignity.

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  • avatar

    McLovin August 24, 2011, 5:45 pm

    You sound like you really care about this ass-clown, and that’s cool. He doesn’t feel the same way about you. He doesn’t, trust me. Forget about the FACEBOOK stuff, this guy isn’t worth any more of your time.

    Dump his ass right now and don’t look back. Anything you do to help him now makes you an enabler.

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  • avatar

    cdobbs August 24, 2011, 6:47 pm

    Dump this guy and get a real man, not a pathetic liar and cheater like this guy is!

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  • avatar

    cookiesandcream August 24, 2011, 7:35 pm

    I find that a lot of people who remain in bad relationships need the companionship rather than the actual person. LW, you say that you took your boyfriend back even though he did a lot of things you yourself said that you didn’t like, and you even call yourself stupid and dumb for taking him back so many times. What does your boyfriend represent to you? What does he mean to you? Is he someone that you’re hanging onto because you genuinely think you don’t deserve any better (by the way, you most definitely do!)? Are you just afraid of being alone or that every other romantic relationship will be just as unhealthy? Do you hate the idea of having to “start over” with someone else? Do you think you thrive on all the drama he provides you?

    I think that you definitely need to work the most on the relationship you have with yourself. Throughout your letter you answered your own questions multiple times (“should I dump him” –> “our relationship is unhealthy”‘; “Is it OK for him to be friends with someone he cheated on me with?” –> “I say NOOOOO”), so I get the sense that you have a hard time trusting yourself and standing up for yourself. I’m going to echo all the people who are recommending therapy because a good therapist will help you get to the root of your issues.

    I wish you the very best of luck and hope that this is the starting point for you developing healthier, happier relationships!

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    daisygarfield August 24, 2011, 9:00 pm

    you shoulda MOA forever ago! by continuing this “friendship” he is blantanly disrespecting you. C’mon what could he possibly have in common with a girl who is in a totally different place in her life than he is. theres so many things wrong here that i wont even go into all of it.

    leave him

    the end.

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  • Heather

    Heather August 24, 2011, 10:02 pm

    Nothing to add that hasn’t already been said, but hoping that I can contribute enough to the quantity of comments that convinces you to GTFO of this situation stat.

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    Blitzen August 25, 2011, 12:47 am

    “Again, he and this girl called it off and he came back. Stupid to let him back, I know.”

    Oh, so you know. That’s good.
    I need to lie down.

    GET OUT GET OUT NOW!!!!!

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  • avatar

    moonflowers August 25, 2011, 5:02 am

    You are not overreacting; you’re underreacting. The proper reaction is to toss everything of his on the curb, MOA yourself, and never look back. And hopefully find a good therapist if your insurance covers it.

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  • avatar

    em August 25, 2011, 6:02 am

    “I just kind of want someone to tell me what no one else can: the truth. Should I dump him?
    Am I overreacting?
    Is it OK for him to be friends with someone he cheated on me with? (I say NOOOOO).”

    don’t try to understand, don’t doubt your conscience, he has a problem NOT you…leave right now and try to find help asap….it’s sad how you learn to live with disappointment

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  • demonpeach

    Demonpeach August 25, 2011, 9:58 am

    I read the letter and I almost did a double take – I could have almost sworn it was me writing to Wendy! Long story very very short I was with my ex for nearly 10 years, dated for 4, engaged 2 married for nearly 3 and a half. The first time was when we were married just over a year, he swore he wouldn’t do it again. Fast forward to a year ago, he takes up with a 19yo. (He was 33). I go on vacation without him, come back he asks for a divorce, I move out. Fast forward even more, our divorce is final this last April. LW, I know you don’t want to be alone, but I didn’t want to either. I finally stood up for myself and said I deserved far more than what I was getting.
    Moral of the story: Karma will come around and bite him in the a$$ – I heard through the grapevine that now my ex and his gf are having “problems”. I allowed myself a chuckle and moved on!

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  • avatar

    BGD August 25, 2011, 11:09 am

    “Writing this, I realize that I am paranoid and our relationship is unhealthy.”

    You are NOT paranoid and your relationship is exactly that… unhealthy. Your better than this. MOA. Thumbs up to everyone who agrees with Wendy and triple thumbs up to Wendy for being direct.

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  • avatar

    redessa August 25, 2011, 1:19 pm

    Never turns his back on a friend? This girl (yes girl, not woman) is not a friend! She’s an interloper in your relationship. And she’s not backing off. Whether it’s true or not (probably is), her own fiance thinks she’s still sleeping with your boyfriend. Heaven only knows why he’s still sticking around but you should be smart enough to MOA!!!

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  • avatar

    JustSayin August 25, 2011, 1:33 pm

    I’m going to echo what everyone else said. I also want to add that you are *not* paranoid! Somehow I think that might be a word your boyfriend called you, trying to make YOU feel like the person who is in the wrong. It could be that you know the truth logically, but you are emotionally convincing yourself that it isn’t as bad as you know it is. Therefore you’ve convinced yourself it’s paranoia. The mind and the heart often don’t play together nicely when it comes to love. It sucks.

    I’m also going to add this from my own personal experience. I was extremely co-dependent on a person that I was in a toxic relationship with. He treated me bad, but I stayed. I am not saying that you are a co-dependent necessarily, but I found that reading self-help books on the subject *really* helped me through the breakup. It gave me a different perspective. “Women Who Love Too Much” is the best one I read.

    One last thing, a few people have mentioned how odd it is that no one in your life has told you to leave this dude. Maybe it’s possible friends and family HAVE told LW that he was a douche? It’s really easy to blow off what other people who are close to you say because one can always rationalize the negative comments with, “Well, they just don’t like him to begin with, so they are just biased!” or “They just don’t know the whole story!” LW, you have multiple unbiased, clear as day opinions and advice here. Please, please MOA!! It will hurt, but I promise you that you will look back and be SO PROUD of yourself for standing up for yourself. That right there is a great way to start regaining your self esteem.

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    • avatar

      TrixyMinx August 25, 2011, 11:00 pm

      I was in the same situation being co-dependent on my bf. He would come home and tell me all the bad things his friends said about me but it didn’t matter to him cause he “loved” me and I should toughen up because it shouldn’t matter what they say about me. It wasn’t until I found Dear Wendy on the Frisky did I realize that I deserved better.

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  • avatar

    mf August 25, 2011, 1:59 pm

    You aren’t paranoid. Wendy is right, MOA and find yourself a man who will treat you with kindness and respect.

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  • Tracey

    Tracey August 25, 2011, 3:00 pm

    You know you should dump him. You did it twice already. You know he’s cheating on you – with a teenager to boot (and, at the beginning of this mess, probably cheated with girl who was underage, which adds an additional ick factor to this whole scenario). You know he does not respect you, given the way he has treated and is currently treating you.

    Yet you are writing to ask permission to someone who is emotionally abusing you, betraying your trust, and is potentially putting you at risk for who knows what. Why? You know what you need to do in order to heal yourself.

    Here are the million dollar questions: Why are you tolerating this? Why do you want to stay with this man? Why are you letting someone misuse you? Why do you need permission to do what you admit you need to do a couple of times in this letter – dump him and don’t look back?

    Please end this relationship. Permanently. Do not take him back. Change your locks. Block his calls. Do not answer his texts or Facebook requests. Do not surf his Facebook page just to see how he’s doing. Do not contact the girl or her fiance or any of their friends. That will just be too much of a temptation to return to this drama. You don’t need that.

    Direct that energy instead to healing yourself. See a counselor to explore why you’ve tolerated this treatment for so long. Spend some time outside of a relationship to learn more about yourself, and develop a greater sense of self. Make a vow that you will never let anyone treat you like this again. You deserve better, and now you have to learn how to believe that.

    Good luck to you, and be well.

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    • avatar

      TheOtherMe August 25, 2011, 10:59 pm

      Tracey !

      I actually just logged in to say hi to a fellow frisky-er 🙂

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      • Tracey

        Tracey August 26, 2011, 4:41 pm

        Hi buddy! Hope you’re doing well!

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  • avatar

    Sue Jones August 25, 2011, 11:44 pm

    Dump him. You have my permission.

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  • avatar

    Annie1 August 26, 2011, 2:18 pm

    Yay, Wendy, for the straight talk! If she doesn’t listen to you, then she doesn’t want to listen, period.

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  • avatar

    Shadowflash1522 August 26, 2011, 2:25 pm

    “Trust is given freely once. After that it must be earned.”

    I’d give him one freebie. Maybe it was just wrong-place-wrong-time, maybe he’s really sorry, maybe it isn’t even what it looks like. Maybe he finally realized what he was missing and came crawling back to live happily ever after. “Maybe” doesn’t keep you warm at night, but I don’t believe in absolutes when it comes to relationships. I won’t kill a relationship over one event any more than I would kill a person over one transgression no matter how severe.

    That said, more than one transgression counts as pattern forming. Anyone, friend or lover, can walk away from me once and be taken back purely on faith. But I will not be jerked around by my feelings, so the second time you leave me you had better be sure, cuz it’s forever. “Fool me once…”

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