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“He Got Me Pregnant and Then Dumped Me”

Pregnancy test

I’ve had this (male) best friend, “Jim,” for the last 20 years. Since we were both 15 we have known that we have loved each other. The problem was, we were never in the same state or single at the same time. We are both 27 now.

This past May, he and I took a vacation to see his parents. His parents are like my own family and I visited them yearly for the past several years. Jim and I had planned before this trip that since we were both single we were going to share a room while we were there and see where it took us.

Well, we ended up sleeping together — all the time, multiple times a day for the entire week we were there. He couldn’t keep his hands off of me, couldn’t stop staring at me, etc. Then towards the end of the trip, he started looking at houses, talking about moving, etc. He then asked me to move out there with him (he wanted to be closer to his parents). Since I have been in love with this man since I’d even ‘liked’ boys, I told him I would start looking for a job and getting ready to move.

I immediately did that once I got back. He texted me every day or every other day to tell me he loved me and missed me. He called as often as he could (he worked two full time jobs in Montana). He told me he put in his transfer request to go back out to where his parents are.

I then found out that I was pregnant. I was on the Pill, so it wasn’t something planned. We had, however, talked about having kids for years. We were also talking about getting married. When I told him the news, he was so excited. At that point, we made the decision that I should go out to live with his parents until he was able to get there.

I worked remotely for my job as long as they could keep me on, sold almost everything I owned, sold my car, and moved to Mississippi, from California.

Jim still texted me every day or every other day to say he loved me and missed me. He would call as often as he could. I was having a hard time because his parents smoked in the house and it would make me sick all the time, etc. It seemed like all I did was complain to him. I didn’t know anyone out here, etc.

Well after two months, he texted me and broke it off with me. He decided to get back together with his boss who is 10 years older than he is, has three kids (the oldest just 10 years younger than Jim). He told me he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore, that when we had sex his feelings had changed, and he wanted to be with her instead. (It’s against his company policy for them to date).

His parents do not think he is being honest. If his feelings had changed, why did he act the way he did when we were together? He also was very rude to me on the phone. He now won’t contact me or his parents.

The worst thing is I haven’t been able to find a job here, I can’t get back on my feet, and I am miserable and sad. He told me this woman was worth giving up our friendship and everything we had together. She also knew that he got me pregnant and still wanted him. His parents keep telling me this isn’t like him, he wouldn’t do this, etc. I never thought he would either in a million years otherwise I wouldn’t have given up my life for him.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t get it, and I don’t understand why he just up and walked away from everything we had. This woman isn’t worth it; she isn’t a good person. She is putting him at risk, and I don’t get why he would give up on the woman he has been in love with since he was 15. — Pregnant and Miserable in Mississippi

Regardless why Jim is behaving the way he is, and regardless how surprising and out-of-character it is and how much this other woman isn’t worth the repercussions of his actions, the fact is none of that really matters. What matters here is you and your baby-to-be and what you are going to do to support you both and create a happy life moving forward. Obviously, you have several choices and none of them should include a relationship with Jim because he has yanked that option off the table and kicked it like an empty soda can across a lonely dirt road. You may never find out why, and that might hurt for a long time, but he’s shown his true colors, and you have bigger fish to fry.

Now that you don’t have a reason to stay in Mississippi, I suggest you move back to where you had a life. Will your old job take you back? If not, where else can you find work? Follow the work leads because you’re gonna need some money. Next, decide whether you’re ready and prepared to be a single mother. There’s no shame if you aren’t. Just because you’re pregnant doesn’t mean you have to keep the baby. You’re about three months along now? There are other options, including adoption.

If you decide to keep the baby, you’re going to need help. Where do you have a support system in place? In addition to following work, you need to follow your support, ’cause mama gonna need it. Are there family or friends, other than the smokers in Mississippi, that will put you up until you get you get back on your feet? Are there people who will pitch in and help you care for your baby? If not, again: you have other options.

Obviously, Jim isn’t off the hook. He can choose not to be in a relationship with you, but he doesn’t get to choose not to be responsible for his child. If you decide to keep your baby, you need to file for child support. If he fights you, take him to court. Fortunately, you are close to his parents, so they may also pitch in and help out financially (or not!). Or… their help may be contingent on you staying close to them. If that’s the case, you’ll have to decide whether any help they may offer (and they may not offer any) is worth staying in Mississippi, even if you can’t find a job there. If it is, I’d still strongly advise getting your own place as soon as you can. Without a job and without much financial assistance, you may need to apply for government assistance. I suggest looking into that immediately. There are programs that can help you feed and clothe your baby while you continue looking for a job (and remember, follow the work!).

I’m sure this is a very scary and lonely position for you to be in. You have to put Jim and your feelings for him on the back burner and figure out the immediate logistics of your (growing) issue. Remember that, as hopeless as things seem now, you have choices (choices that have been and continue to be hard-fought). There are people and programs in place to help. But you have to act quick… and smart. This is the time to follow your head, and let your heart take a break from doing the leading.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

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{ 58 comments… add one }

avatar Something random August 20, 2014, 8:45 am

Wow. I don’t really have anything to add. You spend one week with someone and 90 days later you are living unemployed in a different state with the parents of “someone” who won’t return your calls and you are expecting his child. I’m overwhelmed just reading about it; I can’t imagine what the lw is going through. Honestly, it would be too much for me to mentally handle parenthood in this situation. I hope she listens to Wendy.

avatar something random August 20, 2014, 9:08 am

Helllooo!! Is anybody else out Heerrree?!

Amanda Amanda August 20, 2014, 9:18 am

I’m here – just sitting at my desk with my mouth agape. I’ve got nothing to add except my heart breaks for her and I hope she listens to Wendy!

avatar Coconot August 20, 2014, 9:23 am

Wow this is a tough one! As something random said it’s crazy how your life changed in just 3 months. Please follow Wendy’s (excellent) advice. I would strongly not recommend staying in Mississippi with the grandparents even if they offer financial support. That will be temporary and strings attached (as any family money is). If you value your mental well being, then one way or another, you need to move as quickly as possible towards financial independence. I don’t think staying in a state where you have no job prospects and no friends is a good idea. Good luck with everything!

call-me-hobo call-me-hobo August 20, 2014, 9:33 am

LW, I’m so SO sorry for what you are going through.

Jim just showed you his true mettle. Sure, it’s fun to talk house, children, and family as pillow talk, but when the rubber meets the road- he doesn’t want these responsibilities. As soon as he realized that having a baby means taking care of someone, he went back to the comfortable relationship with his boss where, I’m assuming, he is treated like a boy toy.

Listen to Wendy. Your hardest challenge is finding your support system. I know you are living with his family now, but is there anyone you can reach out to in your family? Are they in an area that is more lucrative for you to restart your career? Use who’s available to you.

Good luck, LW. Whether you decide to become a single or mother or no, I hope you have all the support you need to make the decision that is best for you.

avatar Scooze August 20, 2014, 9:36 am

Nothing like an unplanned pregnancy to bring out someone’s true character. If it hadn’t been for that, the LW may have held onto this loser for months or years. In any case, it looks like the baby daddy has panicked and fled, most likely because he didn’t feel ready to take on a wife and baby after a two month relationship. As Wendy said, if she does keep the baby, make sure she gets support!

FireStar FireStar August 20, 2014, 9:36 am

That is a lot. I know you are focused on the hurt Jim caused and what happened to your relationship and why…but sadly all that matters is that he doesn’t want a relationship with you anymore. You need to stop thinking in terms of being the woman he has loved since he was 15. You are now the woman he doesn’t want to be with. I know it hurts but you have bigger responsibilities at play now. Now is the time for you to make choices. Keeping baby? Adoption? If you are keeping the baby you need all that support Wendy was talking about. So move to where ever that is and find employment and slowly start rebuilding your life. If it is adoption, then go where you can rebuild your life. I think it’s key that you go somewhere though – all that smoke isn’t good for you or the baby. Wendy gave you a checklist -move, pursue employment opportunities, look at aid programs, or even going to a women’s shelter is a good place to start the rebuilding process since they can put you in touch with the resources available to you in that area that you will need to access to build your life back.
I’m sorry Jim wasn’t the man you thought he was. I know what it is to have a relationship with someone for more than half your life and to truly know them during that time…and then to have them disappoint you and to act in a manner you wouldn’t even have thought them capable of. There is no point in clinging to the past however. Your attention has to be on the future and providing the best life possible for your little one – whether you raise him/her or not.
And when you feel ready, maybe a little introspection may be needed to see why you drop kicked your entire life away based on the merest of wispy promises of a man – however long you knew him. Even if you were willing to give up everything for him – the normal behaviour would have been to join him after he followed through on his plans and moved back home. You didn’t just jump the gun – honey you were on the race track by yourself. Maybe talk to someone about that level of impulsivity when you are ready – especially if you are going to be a mom. Children need stability…and right now so do you – so good luck in building some back.

Raccoon eyes Raccoon eyes August 20, 2014, 9:46 am

“You didn’t just jump the gun – honey you were on the race track by yourself.” <– That is awesome. Nice. And very apt here.

avatar something random August 20, 2014, 9:51 am

This a really great response. Props for bringing up the smoking. It was so sad how the lw seemed to be blaming herself for complaining about the smoke making her sick and feeling lonely.

Skyblossom Skyblossom August 20, 2014, 10:00 am

She definitely needs the introspection at some point in the future. They went from long time friends to lovers to let’s get married in one week. One week isn’t nearly enough for a lifetime decision. Then she quit her job and became unemployed when pregnant. At the point in time when she definitely needs a a job and benefits, if her job had them, she gave them up to be unemployed and living with his parents even though he hadn’t yet moved. Not a good move for anybody. Even if he had stayed committed there was no guarantee that he would get a job transfer and be able to move. There was never a guarantee that he would end up in Mississippi so she shouldn’t have given up everything to move ahead of him. Probably there are red flags in Jim’s life that the LW has ignored because she has been in love with him for 20 years. Only Jim knows if he has been in love with her for 20 years but it’s more likely he hasn’t or he wouldn’t dump her so quickly and easily.

I’m sorry that this hurts LW and that there is no band-aid for this kind of hurt. Unfortunately, you don’t have a lot of time to worry about why he isn’t choosing you and isn’t moving to be with you. You have six months until you are a single mother and you have a lot to get done in that time. You need a job, you need to figure out where your baby will be born, you need to figure out childcare or you need to decide if adoption is your best option. Maybe focusing on what you need to do instead of on the betrayal will help you get through this.

avatar something random August 20, 2014, 10:17 am

Yep. I wonder if she is unemployed how she is paying for prenatal care. I hope she is receiving it. If she hasn’t already, I would visit a planned parenthood and get some counseling. If she can’t find a job and she is heartbroken and depressed its going to be very difficult to start facing reality of being a parent, especially a single one. Hopefully she can find some immediate support in her area.

Skyblossom Skyblossom August 20, 2014, 10:50 am

I think that our county health department does prenatal care. A county health department could point her in the right direction for prenatal care if they didn’t provide it themselves. It’s certainly something she needs immediately. They will also help her sign up for WIC. Our doctor’s office sends all children to the county health department for vaccinations so that the kids won’t be scared to go to the doctor. While we are there I see them signing up women for WIC so I assume that’s how it works. I also see women bringing in infants for well baby checks.

http://www.fns.usda.gov/wic/women-infants-and-children-wic

LW, WIC is a federal program that helps provide food, healthcare referrals and nutrition information to pregnant and breastfeeding women and their young children. It might be a good place to start researching what to do and you need something to help you take your mind off of Jim.

Skyblossom Skyblossom August 20, 2014, 9:39 am

Your priority right now needs to be a job. You need to be able to support yourself and your baby just because you need to and even though it shouldn’t make any difference, many prospective employers who realize you are pregnant will hire someone else because they won’t want to train you and then have you out for maternity leave. The job is critical. Once you know where you will be working, so know where you will be living, you need to decide about daycare. Many places have long waiting lists for daycare and you will need to get on multiple lists as soon as possible to have any hope of getting daycare for a young infant or you need to live near a family member who is willing to babysit. Definitely, look into what you need to do to get child support from Jim. You and the baby will need it and even though he can choose to have nothing to do with you and the baby he can’t legally choose to not support his baby. Try to stay on good terms with Jim’s parents because supportive extended family is good for children, even if you end up living in different state from them.

Raccoon eyes Raccoon eyes August 20, 2014, 9:41 am

Ugh, LW, Im so sorry for the situation you are stuck in. It sounds from your letter that you want to REASON with Jim as to why he should stick with you. This will not go well. I know that from your perspective, it makes sense that he continue to be the man you thought you have known for so many years. But, as Wendy said, he has shown his true colors. And even if he did come crawling back (and he might, when this thing with his [potential] Sugar Mama falls through, presumably again) would you really want to build a life and a family with him? I hope the answer is no. I wish you the best of luck here in a tough situation.

FireStar FireStar August 20, 2014, 10:07 am

Men like Jim always come crawling back…until they leave again. I hope the LW finds enough strength to move on from him and to never go back. Even if she keeps the baby – and he wants a relationship with the baby at some point (!) – that doesn’t mean she has to be with the man who abandoned her pregnant with no money or no prospects in Mississippi. (That sounds like the worst country song ever)

Lianne Lianne August 20, 2014, 9:45 am

Yikes. That is a really tough position to be in, LW, but like Wendy said, you need to focus on you right now and not why this guy wants out. I am sure that is easier said than done, but really try to stay strong on this and think about yourself and your unborn baby.

avatar Zanderbomb84 August 20, 2014, 9:52 am

Wow, what Wendy said.

Also, can we stop saying “HE got me pregnant” for situations like this where you have two consenting adults.

avatar Lily in NYC August 20, 2014, 1:13 pm

To be fair, Wendy came up with that headline, not the LW.

avatar RedroverRedrover August 20, 2014, 3:16 pm

If you say “I got pregnant” it sounds like the woman’s fault, if you say “he got me pregnant” it sounds like the man’s fault. English isn’t great for this, it always seeks to put the responsibility somewhere. I guess you could say “we got pregnant”, but that’s not really correct because they aren’t both pregnant.
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Toooootally off topic, but it reminds me of an interesting article I saw about how using different language changes how you think. They showed English-speakers and Japanese-speakers a video where a person broke an egg. In some videos the person broke it on purpose, and in others it was an accident. When asked who broke the egg, everyone remembered who broke it on purpose. But when it was an accident, the English-speakers were much more likely to remember than the Japanese-speakers. That’s because in Japanese, they would describe the accidental one as “the egg broke”, without placing any blame.
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Anyway, it shows that Zamderbomb84 has a valid point, because the way we use language changes the way we actually think. But unfortunately that’s how english is built, it practically requires that blame be assigned. We could say “pregnancy happened”, but it would sound really weird.

avatar PumpkinSpice August 20, 2014, 10:21 am

Oh honey, I am so sorry for the way things ended up with this. Listen to the advice you are being given on here. Right now, you need to focus on the baby and your health and well-being. You want to be as strong and healthy mentally, physically and emotionally. Your baby will need a stronh and loving person to take care of him/-her. I am sure that right now, you are upset, confused and scared. Plus you are hurt, angry and worried about what life is going to throw at you next. The first thing is to get up brush your self off, and think about what you have to do for your baby. If you no longer have health insurance, start there. The government offers numerous plans for women who are pregnant. Set up a doctor’s appointment and get a check up to make sure that everything is OK with the baby. Then get on the computer, contact your olds boss, explain that the move is not working out and that you were thinking of coming back. (U don’t have to explain why the move didn’t work,just that it didn’t)-. Let them know you are interested in seeing if your old job is still available. If not, then stary networking. In the mean time, look into social services for the WIC Program, and other assistance that may be provided to help you put a roof over your head, and food in your belly. Yhere is a lot of support out there for women who end up as single mothers, make good use of those resources. As far as the father of your child is concerned. Remember that you are a strong woman and you will be hurt, upset and angry. This feelings are normal. He hurt he and you don’t have the answers as to why. You may never get those answers, the only thing you can try to do is encourage a relationship between him and his child. I think that this guy is scared. You guys knew each other for half your libes, then one night you sleep together, things wew incredible, and stayed hot and heavy the rest of your trip. You end up pregnant, plans are made and everthing is happening all so fast. You obliged to everything he asked of you. He probably was scared and overwhelmed and took the cowards way out of the situation. This does NOT excuse the fact of what happened and what he did. But it.might help you to put things in better perspective. You sound like a strong woman, LW, and I wish you the best of luck with moving forward. You child will need you to keep being strong, loving and dependable.

Amanda Amanda August 20, 2014, 10:40 am

Okay, now that I’ve had enough coffee and can do the words putting into sentence doing…wow. LW, this is a tough situation. I can see how you got swept up – it seemed like the fairy tale was coming true! Sadly, this one ended. And here’s the funny thing, nobody ever tells us what to do once the fairy tale ends.
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I completely understand why you’re focusing on the betrayal. It is probably the easiest thing to focus on. Hell, if I was in your position I’d be spending my time focusing on completely random shit. And you can do that – for only a few more days. Give yourself until the end of the week to wallow. Then, this weekend, start developing a plan. Start small if you have to (personally, when I’m overwhelmed sometimes my plan just starts with putting socks on). But start focusing on you and your new life (as a single mom or not) and start putting the pieces back together. You can do it, it’ll be tough – but you know what? Your life will probably turn out even better than it would have if Jim stayed.

avatar ktfran August 20, 2014, 10:41 am

LW, Wendy’s advice to you is excellent. Please really think about what you want (minus Jim, of course), and act accordingly. Wendy gave you some great ideas.
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Sort of off topic, and Wendy’s response about the child support made me think about it. This is exactly why I get so mad about the birth control and the abortion debates. Because seriously, if a woman actually decides to keep an unwanted pregnancy, a lot of the time, the men are off the hook with raising said child. Sure, you can take him to court for child support. But that sucks too and it really doesn’t guarantee anything. Basically, it just pisses me off that people are working so hard to limit women’s choices and a hell of a lot of men get off (pun intended) scot-free.
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I apologize for the rant.

avatar lets_be_honest August 20, 2014, 12:13 pm

Re: your off topic rant – This will sound nuts probably, but I’ve actually always felt that for me, since I chose to have a baby alone (right up front he said he wanted no involvement), that it should only fall on me to be responsible for her, financially and otherwise.

avatar RedroverRedrover August 20, 2014, 12:46 pm

I see what you’re saying, although that wouldn’t work for someone who personally didn’t want to have an abortion. They have a lot less choice. But besides that, the reason that both parents are supposed to be responsible is that it’s better for the child to have two parents supporting them than one. It’s great that it worked out for you, but there are MRAs who are pushing to have men let off the hook if they say up front they don’t want a baby. If that were the law, men would basically be able to never have any responsibility for any child of theirs. That’s the system we used to have before child support became a thing, and it was really bad for the children and their mothers.

avatar lets_be_honest August 20, 2014, 12:50 pm

I’m confused…why would that not work for someone who didn’t want to have an abortion?
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I totally agree that in the end, the point is that child support is for the child’s benefit, so more is better. I don’t advocate for my stance on this to become a law or anything because it would be the child who suffers. Its just how I feel about it.

avatar something random August 20, 2014, 12:53 pm

Maybe because they really don’t believe they have a choice even if legally they do?

avatar lets_be_honest August 20, 2014, 12:55 pm

I try not to broadcast this, but I was not willing to have an abortion. But I do get your point – you have to have this baby even if you don’t want it. Thanks for explaining.

avatar RedroverRedrover August 20, 2014, 12:56 pm

Yeah, I guess they could do adoption, that’s true. I guess I don’t think of adoption very often because personally I don’t think I could handle it. I guess I’m the opposite of most people – I’d have an abortion before considering adoption, for sure. Once the baby is there, I don’t think I could let go of it.

Anyway, that kind of illustrates ktfran’s point, too. The guy just gets to go nope, I’m done. The woman is stuck with all the hard decisions, and going through all the hard things. She pretty much has to have an abortion, give the baby up for adoption, or raise it herself, all of which are difficult things to do. While the guy just keeps his normal life, no big deal. It’s pretty shitty. I know that part of it is due to biology, but part of it is also due to culture, that we just let guys get away with it.

avatar ktfran August 20, 2014, 12:49 pm

Oh, I think I would feel the same if I were in that position. It just sucks that it really is up to the woman, in most cases, and yet, people want to limit our options.

avatar PumpkinSpice August 20, 2014, 11:01 am

I know I wrote a long and rambling post, and I am sorry for all the typos. Its a little hard to write a long post on a mobile phone. I just wanted to touch base on the Jim part of your letter. I know how difficult it is to believe that you know someone for such a long time and then they crush your heart in a million peices and walk away. From reading your letter, the one thing that struck me was how fast you jumped the gun on everything. It is almost liked you were waiting so long for him to realize the potential the two of you had, and when you thought he realized it,you immediately gave up everything you worked so hard to build for yourself, for him. You gave up your job, your home, everything. Why is that, I wonder? I do understand the excitement and happiness it musthave brought to you to believe that after all those years, this man was professing his undying love to you.But you gave up everything, EVERYTHING, for him and did so without a second thought to what you were going to do. Did you bother to research any job prospects in your field? Did you take into consideration the cost of living compared to average salaries in the area? The local economy was it thrivibg or was 3/4 of the town unemployed?Or did this man promise the moon? Was he going to work, buy the home, pay the bills,while you stay at home and take care of the home and the children? (There is nothing wrong with being a stay at home mother/wife).Judging by the letter things were rushed without much thought being put into the whole situation and things had begun to get overwhelming, and moving way too fast. Instead of putting the brakes on and telling you this, and instead of suggesting that the two of you slow down and think things through more thoroughly, he let you give up everything for him and ran like a frightened animal with his tail between his legs back to what was familiar and comfortable. He is a coward and a frightened little boy instead of a man who steps up and takes care of his responsibilities and family. In everything we do and every mistake we make in life, there is a lesson to be learned, and I hope you take that lesson and remember it, because you don’t want to make the same mistake 2x

TaraMonster TaraMonster August 20, 2014, 11:04 am

I don’t think anyone has mentioned this, but if you decide to end your pregnancy, you do not have a lot of time left to make that choice in Mississippi. 20 weeks is the cutoff. You should also be aware that there is only ONE clinic in the whole state (in Jackson), and there is a 24 hour wait law that will force you to travel to the clinic twice.

Regardless of what you choose to do, I recommend that you leave his parent’s home and go somewhere you have a greater support system, and somewhere you can start re-building a future.

peppers87 peppers87 August 20, 2014, 12:00 pm

There is a great article about the doctor that helps to counsel and perform many of the terminations at the Pink House. The article itself is a great read: http://www.esquire.com/features/abortion-ministry-of-dr-willie-parker-0914

Just throwing it out there as another option or something to think about.

LW I feel for you! Keep us posted!

TaraMonster TaraMonster August 20, 2014, 12:17 pm

Totally agree. I read it a few weeks ago when it was first published. It’s such a shame that so many women have to jump through hoops to obtain a legal medical procedure. I admire Dr. Parker’s courage.

findingtheearth findingtheearth August 20, 2014, 11:28 am

As a fellow single mom, it’s a tough gig. You need to really think about what options you have, what you need to do, and who can help you. What is the best environment for this baby and for yourself? Do you have people who will help you at 3am in Mississippi, or can you move to where you do have a support system? Also, if you need gov’t assistance, you need to get it going. It can take some time to do all the paperwork. There is child care assistance, depending on the state you live in, the waiting list can take time.
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Also, is this the life you really want? Do you want to be a single mom? Even if you do file for child support and get it, the actual time and effort of raising a child on your own is a lot. It’s indescribable unless you have been there. Are you absolutely ready for that?

Dear Wendy Dear Wendy August 20, 2014, 1:01 pm

Great to have your insight and perspective — thanks for sharing!

avatar lets_be_honest August 20, 2014, 11:46 am

I’m sure reading Wendy’s reply was overwhelming, so take a deep breath first. Then, make a list out of Wendy’s advice and just get started. I bet its easier to focus on Jim right now since thinking about anything other than you being single and pregnant is a nice distraction, but don’t. Focus on you and the baby. One step at a time. Good luck to you!

avatar lets_be_honest August 20, 2014, 11:53 am

Also, I want to remind you that you are brave and tough. It might not have been wise to sell everything and move, but it certainly is brave! And you did all of that really quickly too. Selling one thing on craigslist would be overwhelming to me. Keep reminding yourself of what you are capable of. Be proud of each little accomplishment you make in the next few months. You can do this.

Amanda Amanda August 20, 2014, 11:56 am

I was thinking that too – I’m WAY too much of a wuss to have that much faith everything would work out. I couldn’t have done it. It really is quite remarkable when you look at it that way.

avatar lets_be_honest August 20, 2014, 12:06 pm

Right!? I think its important for her to recognize what she’s done and what she’s capable of if she wants it. It is possible, even with little to no support. Its hard, sure, but its also crazy rewarding and an amazing thing to successfully pull off on your own.
p.s. I’m so glad findingtheearth chimed in on this. Hi!

avatar something random August 20, 2014, 12:14 pm

LBH, You often talk about Lil and that you were pretty young and single when you had her. What kind of support did you look for? Did you live or move close to family? Did you turn to friends? Were you able to afford or a get help with childcare in the beginning?

These are super personal, nosy questions. I’m very comfortable with a NOYB reply, if you don’t feel like sharing. I just think it might be educating to hear from someone who has been there.

avatar lets_be_honest August 20, 2014, 12:34 pm

I don’t mind at all. Um, so I was 20 when I got pregnant. I wasn’t in a relationship and basically said its fine if you don’t want involvement. I lived in the town I grew up in, so I was close to family and friends, but my family didn’t really help at all. Their thinking was ‘you got yourself into this, you deal with it.’ I had some school under my belt at 20, so I just kept going. I took 18-22 credits for each semester while I was pregnant to knock as much out as possible, and got a waitressing job. I was already working at a doctor’s office when I got pregnant, so that was perfect since they gave me prenatal care. Then I just worked as much as possible (its amazing how little sleep you can survive on!), saved everything I made (I was living with parents still while pregnant). Once I had her, after about 6 months, I was able to afford a 1 bedroom. I had to apply for medicaid for the baby, but other than that, I didn’t have to get any aid (lw, look into WIC!). A woman I had worked with once was starting an in-home day care, so she gave me a very nice rate. That was a life saver. We lived in that 1 bedroom, sharing our room, for about 5 years. Every day was hard. I was poor as hell. All my friends were living these amazing lives and still partying. My family wasn’t supportive. Tired wasn’t even the word for how I felt. But I was happy. I was proud of myself. And I finally had this perfect little person who just loved me no matter what and that really was all that mattered then.

avatar lets_be_honest August 20, 2014, 12:35 pm

Whoa, sorry for the length and dramatics at the end haha.

FireStar FireStar August 20, 2014, 12:51 pm

I love this story every time I hear it.

avatar something random August 20, 2014, 12:49 pm

Thanks for sharing. What a great model you present of the courage, hard work, and sacrifices of a single parent.

avatar lets_be_honest August 20, 2014, 12:52 pm

Thanks. I really think anyone could if they wanted to though.

Classic Classic August 20, 2014, 12:38 pm

WWS, follow Wendy’s excellent advice. Also, I would like to join findingtheearth and lbh in saying that raising and financially supporting a child entirely on one’s own is indescribably difficult to do, really unimaginable unless you have done it, yet it is possible to do with extreme hard work, focus, and dedication. If you are going to keep the baby, you need to focus on getting ready for the baby and get prepared. If you are going to move, do it now, before the baby is born. After the baby is born, it would be possible for the biological father to get a court order preventing you from moving the baby out of the county, regardless of whether or not you and the father are in a relationship.

avatar lets_be_honest August 20, 2014, 12:40 pm

Classic! Such a good point about relocating before the baby is born. Smart thinking!

Dear Wendy Dear Wendy August 20, 2014, 1:01 pm

Great points, Classic! I hope the LW takes all of this into consideration.

avatar Portia August 20, 2014, 1:15 pm

It’s a good idea, but that distinction might depend on the state, I think. Look up the recent Bode Miller custody case for an example. The woman moved from California to New York at 7 months pregnant and the judge decided the custody case was in California’s jurisdiction, that she had fled the state (to start a program at Columbia University, not even just to leave). I do still think it’s a good idea, but she should look into custody law in her state, just in case.

avatar csp August 20, 2014, 1:08 pm

LW, there are a bunch of great comments here and Wendy is spot on. Your world is spinning and you need to center yourself. Focus on the path you want. My favorite book is the Alchemist and there is a quote: The book describes people’s inability to choose their own Personal Legends. And it ends up saying that everyone believes the world’s greatest lie.” “What’s the world’s greatest lie?” the boy asked, completely surprised. “It’s this: that at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what’s happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. That’s the world’s greatest lie.”
.
Realize that you took a certain order of steps to get you to this point in your life. It will simply take a different set of steps to get you out of this situation. Make a decision and start stepping toward your own goal.

Kate B. Kate B. August 20, 2014, 2:59 pm

Totally off-topic but germane to this post: I just went out a bought a copy of this book. It sounds like something I would enjoy. This is another reason I like DW. I get book recommendations. :)

avatar csp August 20, 2014, 5:06 pm

Woo Hoo! That book changed my life. It might simply have been the time that I read it but it gave me such a profound change in my life perspective…not to oversell it or anything :)

Kate B. Kate B. August 20, 2014, 5:19 pm

I’m looking forward to reading it. (Once I get through the other 5 books ahead of it in the queue.) In fact, I’m wondering if I should have bought a second copy to mail to my brother. He totally believes the lie.

avatar snarkymarc August 20, 2014, 10:39 pm

I read the Alchemist last year and it really didn’t do anything for me. I couldn’t relate to the style of writing and so I just wasn’t prompted to think about any deeper meaning. I guess I’m kind of a moron that way. I’m reading The Samurai’s Garden right now and it is similar. I’m feeling like a moron all over.

avatar Sue Jones August 20, 2014, 1:55 pm

Get an abortion and move back to where you used to be and see if your old job will take you back.

avatar Jim August 20, 2014, 2:28 pm

DO NOT. DO NOT bring a child in to this world if you think you cannot handle being a single parent.
Its cruel to the child and cruel to yourself. You still have options.

Cassie Cassie August 20, 2014, 9:20 pm

Why did you dump her?

Lyra Lyra August 21, 2014, 12:31 am

OK I’m ridiculously late to this party and honestly haven’t read many of the other comments. I think Wendy covered ideas for how to handle your current situation very well. I’m focused on the fact that you literally moved across the country for a guy that you really don’t even know. Yeah you knew him as a teenager, but let me tell you, that was NOT love that you felt for all those years. You felt lust for him. You longed to be his girlfriend. Essentially you had put him on this enormous pedestal where he was the Perfect Boyfriend, Perfect Future Husband, and Perfect Future Father. NO ONE lives in a rom com, and that’s basically what this is. Think about it this way: Girl meets Boy in high school, Girl doesn’t see Boy for YEARS, Girl reunites with Boy, Girl has fun week/weekend with Boy, Girl gets pregnant, Girl moves across the country for Boy to wait for him. LW, that’s NOT how relationships work. He was never going to swoop in on his white horse and be the Perfect Husband for you. It’s alarming that you literally threw your entire life that you knew in California away for a guy that you really don’t know much about at all. As much as you THINK you know him, you don’t. Please do some introspection to determine why you jumped in so quickly and why you were so willing to drop everything just to be with this guy (who in all honesty doesn’t sound that awesome anyway).

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