This past May, he and I took a vacation to see his parents. His parents are like my own family and I visited them yearly for the past several years. Jim and I had planned before this trip that since we were both single we were going to share a room while we were there and see where it took us.
Well, we ended up sleeping together — all the time, multiple times a day for the entire week we were there. He couldn’t keep his hands off of me, couldn’t stop staring at me, etc. Then towards the end of the trip, he started looking at houses, talking about moving, etc. He then asked me to move out there with him (he wanted to be closer to his parents). Since I have been in love with this man since I’d even ‘liked’ boys, I told him I would start looking for a job and getting ready to move.
I immediately did that once I got back. He texted me every day or every other day to tell me he loved me and missed me. He called as often as he could (he worked two full time jobs in Montana). He told me he put in his transfer request to go back out to where his parents are.
I then found out that I was pregnant. I was on the Pill, so it wasn’t something planned. We had, however, talked about having kids for years. We were also talking about getting married. When I told him the news, he was so excited. At that point, we made the decision that I should go out to live with his parents until he was able to get there.
I worked remotely for my job as long as they could keep me on, sold almost everything I owned, sold my car, and moved to Mississippi, from California.
Jim still texted me every day or every other day to say he loved me and missed me. He would call as often as he could. I was having a hard time because his parents smoked in the house and it would make me sick all the time, etc. It seemed like all I did was complain to him. I didn’t know anyone out here, etc.
Well after two months, he texted me and broke it off with me. He decided to get back together with his boss who is 10 years older than he is, has three kids (the oldest just 10 years younger than Jim). He told me he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore, that when we had sex his feelings had changed, and he wanted to be with her instead. (It’s against his company policy for them to date).
His parents do not think he is being honest. If his feelings had changed, why did he act the way he did when we were together? He also was very rude to me on the phone. He now won’t contact me or his parents.
The worst thing is I haven’t been able to find a job here, I can’t get back on my feet, and I am miserable and sad. He told me this woman was worth giving up our friendship and everything we had together. She also knew that he got me pregnant and still wanted him. His parents keep telling me this isn’t like him, he wouldn’t do this, etc. I never thought he would either in a million years otherwise I wouldn’t have given up my life for him.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t get it, and I don’t understand why he just up and walked away from everything we had. This woman isn’t worth it; she isn’t a good person. She is putting him at risk, and I don’t get why he would give up on the woman he has been in love with since he was 15. — Pregnant and Miserable in Mississippi
Regardless why Jim is behaving the way he is, and regardless how surprising and out-of-character it is and how much this other woman isn’t worth the repercussions of his actions, the fact is none of that really matters. What matters here is you and your baby-to-be and what you are going to do to support you both and create a happy life moving forward. Obviously, you have several choices and none of them should include a relationship with Jim because he has yanked that option off the table and kicked it like an empty soda can across a lonely dirt road. You may never find out why, and that might hurt for a long time, but he’s shown his true colors, and you have bigger fish to fry.
Now that you don’t have a reason to stay in Mississippi, I suggest you move back to where you had a life. Will your old job take you back? If not, where else can you find work? Follow the work leads because you’re gonna need some money. Next, decide whether you’re ready and prepared to be a single mother. There’s no shame if you aren’t. Just because you’re pregnant doesn’t mean you have to keep the baby. You’re about three months along now? There are other options, including adoption.
If you decide to keep the baby, you’re going to need help. Where do you have a support system in place? In addition to following work, you need to follow your support, ’cause mama gonna need it. Are there family or friends, other than the smokers in Mississippi, that will put you up until you get you get back on your feet? Are there people who will pitch in and help you care for your baby? If not, again: you have other options.
Obviously, Jim isn’t off the hook. He can choose not to be in a relationship with you, but he doesn’t get to choose not to be responsible for his child. If you decide to keep your baby, you need to file for child support. If he fights you, take him to court. Fortunately, you are close to his parents, so they may also pitch in and help out financially (or not!). Or… their help may be contingent on you staying close to them. If that’s the case, you’ll have to decide whether any help they may offer (and they may not offer any) is worth staying in Mississippi, even if you can’t find a job there. If it is, I’d still strongly advise getting your own place as soon as you can. Without a job and without much financial assistance, you may need to apply for government assistance. I suggest looking into that immediately. There are programs that can help you feed and clothe your baby while you continue looking for a job (and remember, follow the work!).
I’m sure this is a very scary and lonely position for you to be in. You have to put Jim and your feelings for him on the back burner and figure out the immediate logistics of your (growing) issue. Remember that, as hopeless as things seem now, you have choices (choices that have been and continue to be hard-fought). There are people and programs in place to help. But you have to act quick… and smart. This is the time to follow your head, and let your heart take a break from doing the leading.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.