Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“He Made Plans With Other Women”

My boyfriend, “Tony,” and I have been together for over six years and have been living together for almost a year. Tony was known to be quite the ladies’ man before we dated, and although I trust him 100% with my heart, I feel that he may not always tell me 100% of his plans when he hangs out with his boys. I’m 28 and my boyfriend is 33. Recently I felt the urge to look through his phone, and it seems as though a few months back he was planning to go to a hockey game with his friend but decided not to go because I was going to go as well with his sister.

Reading his texts, I conclude he was planning to go with his friend and two girls they partied with at another time. It seemed he was really upset to not go and be missing this “good time/chance” because of me. I had no reason to look through his phone, but the opportunity arose and I took it and this is what I found. Now, I am not sure how to confront Tony about something that happened so far back and not look stupid and like I violated his privacy. But he disrespected me to the fullest and I feel disgusted.

I need help on what my next steps should be. I love him and I know he loves me, but I’m not down for this. I have a line and he crossed it. I do everything for this man. Please help. — Not Down For This

Oh, come on — be honest with yourself. You don’t really trust Tony, do you? And it seems for good reason! Why else would you go through his phone — looking through several months of texts — if you trusted him? Why would you worry that Tony doesn’t always tell you “100% of his plans when he hangs with the boys”? You don’t trust him. He was a “ladies’ man” before you dated and you worry that he still is. Sounds like he hasn’t shed that persona entirely, and you need to call him on it.

How do you call him on it? You tell him that you don’t trust him, which is a problem in itself, and that, when an opportunity arose to snoop through his phone, you took it. And what you discovered has left you feeling disgusted and betrayed. Tell him he crossed the line and you don’t know how you’re going to move on from this and ever trust him again (if you ever did in the fist place). And then listen to what he has to say for himself. If he gaslights you (makes your snooping a bigger deal than the issue your snooping uncovered), I’d move on. If he lies to you (says the texts were a “joke” or a friend of his was using his phone or he doesn’t remember and therefore it never happened), I’d move on. If he blames you — says this was during a time when you weren’t paying enough attention to him, I’d move on. Basically, the only response that’s remotely acceptable to even move toward a conversation would be an immediate apology and some expression of shame and regret on his part. And even then, you only move forward to a conversation about the state of your relationship (including your urge to snoop and what that means about your shaky level of trust).

Six years is a long time to invest in a relationship and often I hear from women in your boat about how that’s simply too much time to invest in someone and then just walk away. But would you tell people on a sinking ship to stay aboard because they set sail so long ago? No, that would be stupid. If they stayed aboard a sinking ship, they’d sink along with it, no matter how long they’d been onboard. Once they realize it’s sinking, the only smart thing to do is to get off it one way or another. So, if you determine that your relationship is sinking — and, frankly, it sounds like that’s the way it’s headed — please do yourself a favor and jump ship. It’s likely the only way to save yourself.

***************

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy​(AT)​dearwendy.com.

16 comments… add one
  • Cleopatra Jones

    Cleopatra Jones July 31, 2017, 3:16 pm

    I dunno. Was there a clear indication that Tony had been planning an illicit rendezvous with another woman? Or did Tony just want to go hang out with some friends (two of whom were women) without his girlfriend?

    Honestly, this letter could go either way. Tony could be a sleazebag cheater or LW may be needy and clingy to the point that Tony just wants to hang out without her. I personally feel like I need more context.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      Lucy July 31, 2017, 3:58 pm

      Agreed… I feel like, just with this info, I don’t know enough to conclude he was doing anything shady. And if she went through several months (?!) of texts and this is literally all she found, it seems even less likely that he’s up to much.

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      SpaceySteph July 31, 2017, 4:00 pm

      I agree, the texts don’t seem super incriminating on their own. Certainly room for either us or the LW to have misinterpreted what was going on.

      Confront him if you want, but really there can be no love without trust and there is obviously no trust. Time to MOA.

      Reply Link
    • Copa

      Copa July 31, 2017, 4:08 pm

      Agreed.

      Also, LW, I’m not sure why you feel like you need to approach this like you weren’t violating his privacy. You WERE violating his privacy. After six years, if this is how low your level of trust is, I say move on regardless of what you found on his phone.

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      FannyBrice July 31, 2017, 4:34 pm

      Even if LW is reading into the texts, the fact is that she doesn’t trust him and he, apparently, doesn’t have a good time hanging out with her, so the MOA advice is still solid. This relationship is on life support.

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    TheHizzy July 31, 2017, 3:56 pm

    Not gonna lie – feel like the LW is reading WAYYYY into something. If there was only *ONE* *POSSIBLE* indication MONTHS ago…..no. I wouldn’t even bother with it. If you ran across several different issues then yes.

    But address your trust with him.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    dinoceros July 31, 2017, 5:14 pm

    Unless the LW is making up the part about there being two women who they partied with, I guess I don’t really see how that could just be misinterpreted. Sure, it doesn’t mean that he was going to hook up with one of them, but I don’t think that just going to a game with your friend could be mistaken for getting together with two girls they parties with just out of someone being paranoid.

    In theory, I would say that if this is the only issue, then let it go, but I know that I could never do that. I don’t think the LW is just going to be able to brush it under the rug and suddenly trust him again, so I think it’s good to just bring it up. I think either way, this relationship is going downhill fast, because either he’s innocent and will feel distrusted or she’s going to find out something unsavory.

    Reply Link
    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy July 31, 2017, 6:54 pm

      Yeah, I don’t see how it can be misinterpreted either. In the texts, Tony shows enthusiasm for going to a game with his friend and two girls they partied with. Then, he decides not to go bc he finds out his gf (the LW) is also going to be at the game with her sister. He expresses disappointment that he’ll miss out on the good time. What other way is there to read this?

      Reply Link
    • Cleopatra Jones

      Cleopatra Jones July 31, 2017, 7:05 pm

      I guess I don’t see where ‘partied with’ = sex/infidelity.
      .
      I’ve partied with plenty of people and it didn’t include sex or infidelity, so I’m not really willing to assume that Tony has cheated on her. Maybe he was drinking or smoking pot, and LW doesn’t approve of that so he doesn’t invite her.
      .
      She should totally end it with him because she doesn’t trust him and she violated her his privacy to ‘catch’ him doing something but I’m not really willing to paint Tony as a cheating scumbag.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        RedRoverRedRover July 31, 2017, 9:05 pm

        I don’t think it means he cheated. I do think it definitely means that he wanted to hang out with those girls without his gf around, and that he was disappointed when he couldn’t. What kind of bf thinks that way? There’s no good explanation for it. If it was all above-board, he wouldn’t have cared if she was there or not.

        Link
      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy August 1, 2017, 5:33 am

        This, exactly.

        Link
      • avatar

        Hannanas August 1, 2017, 3:47 am

        Why wouldn’t he want to “party” with his girlfriend around, women or not included? I mean either he’s exploring cheating, is cheating, or embarrassed by his girlfriend.

        Link
      • avatar

        dinoceros August 1, 2017, 7:31 am

        It doesn’t mean he definitely had sex with someone or cheated. But it IS suspicious if a guy (who has a girlfriend) meets two women with another male friend, continues to make plans with them, and then cancels those plans when his girlfriend plans to come along. I find it very unlikely that folks here who had that situation happen to them would think it was innocuous. Whether he’s physically done anything or not, he’s essentially trying to go on a date with one of these women.

        I think the drinking or smoking pot thing is a major stretch since the LW said nothing about not liking drinking or pot. And has said nothing about him using those things. Not to mention that you can’t smoke pot at a hockey game. If she’s paranoid, then that’s totally an issue, but it just seems like people are tying themselves in knots to prove that she’s being ridiculous.

        Link
  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom August 1, 2017, 5:56 am

    “as I trust him 100% with my heart, I feel that he may not always tell me 100% of his plans when he hangs out with his boys.”

    In one sentence you say that you trust him completely and then immediately say you don’t trust him.

    It sounds like he was setting up a double date with his friend. Why else would he need to cancel because you were going to be there and why would you not know about these plans?

    You must not trust him or you wouldn’t have gone through his phone. There must be something happening or some change that made you feel like you needed to pick up the phone and search it.

    When you’ve lost trust it is very hard to get it back again. If you don’t trust him why not move on. If you’ve reached the point at six years where you don’t trust him how happy will you be in this relationship at twelve years or twenty years? It won’t get better. Save yourself twenty more years of searching his phone and move on.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    carolann August 1, 2017, 9:07 am

    I agree with RedRover ,if he had two female friends she should know about it. They have been together a long time. If his interest in hanging out having a good time with two ladies was innocent she would have heard of them.
    I know IF (wasn’t mentioned in text) alcohol and mary jane were involved well, those things mixed with members of the opposite sex often lead to questionable behavior. (so I have heard ;))
    Do people usually save months worth of texts? I never do that unless it is something legal or business related.
    I have had to use a program to get very old texts. I don’t use the cloud ever either.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    carolann August 1, 2017, 9:13 am

    And dinoceros mentioned you can’t smoke pot at a hockey game…trust me, people who smoke on the regular smoke everywhere. Maybe not in the arena,but before they got there or even in the car. (not good,but people do it everyday) Don’t ask me how I know.

    Reply Link

Leave a Comment