≡ Menu

“He Never Expresses His Feelings For Me. Should I MOA?”

It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in three sentences or less, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go. Today we discuss … well, basically three situations in which da ladies need to MOA!

I’m in a LDR with a great guy I’ve been dating for a year — I’m 33 and he’s 39. The issue is not in the bedroom but outside of it. He does not express his feelings for me verbally — at all. I am secure to a point but there is a part of me that needs to hear I am missed, thought of, etc. I have brought this up to him numerous times only to be told that the issue is mine because I should know by his actions how he feels. Well, due to his job I see him once every two months, and when we’re together if I want a hug, kiss, or to hold hands, I have to initiate it. The last time we were together, I cried after we had sex because I felt like a whore; why am I only worthy of affection in bed? I love him, but this lack of intimacy is really becoming depressing and based on the fact that it has been a year I’m thinking he isn’t going to change. Should I MOA? — Feeling like a Whore

 
Please see the last comment.

I love my boyfriend, but I’m always expecting him to disappoint me. For example, I have plans to come visit him soon (we live on opposite coasts), and I jokingly asked if he would sweep me off my feet at the airport and he said “Probably” and then followed up (jokingly) that it would be less effort for him if I just came to his apartment. My dad said, “You shouldn’t have to ask him— he should want to.” I am so tired of always wondering if he is going to pick me up, remember Valentine’s Day, or send me a text message during a hectic day when we can’t talk properly. He has never been good at small gestures like that and blames it on being “bad at romance.”

Is there anything I can do, or should I just assume he is not going to change? We will be long distance for at least another year and I don’t know if the relationship is going to survive his lack of consideration, no matter how much I love him. — Disappointed in Love

 
Please see the last comment.

I’m in my mid-twenties and I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost two and a half years. He makes me laugh, and we have a lot of fun together. The problem is that from the very start, I’ve known that I’m a much more affectionate person than he is. He doesn’t like french kissing, so we never make out; he barely hugs and cuddles with me; and yes, the sex is less than spectacular and too far between for my taste (and for our age!). I’ve brought this up to him a lot over the course of our relationship, and each time he either promises to do these things more often or makes a joke about it, which makes me feel sad and rejected. I’m getting to the point where I’m trying to decide whether I can live without these things for the rest of my life, and I’m thinking, no, I can’t. What can I say to him to make him understand that I’ve reached a make-it or break-it point with him on this issue without sounding like I’m giving him ultimatums? I really don’t want to MOA from this great, but reserved, guy. — Asking Too Much?

 
All three of you letter writers today have made it clear to your respective boyfriends that your needs are not being met and all of your boyfriends have made it clear they aren’t going to change just to meet them. This does not make the men or any of you “bad,” or “needy” or whatever other degrading adjectives we could use, but it does mean that, clearly, you are not in good matches. If you’re feeling unsatisfied, disappointed, and like a whore (!!), for the love of God, MOA and find someone who can and will meet your needs without so much arm-twisting.

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmail

{ 87 comments… add one }

avatar ReginaRey April 15, 2011, 9:09 am

Preach it, Wendy!

Why, why, why oh WHY do all of us women keep doing this?! Once and for all – if you have to convince someone you love to show you affection, to be considerate of your needs, and to I dunno…ACT LIKE YOUR BOYFRIEND, you’re in the wrong damn relationship! If your boyfriend has made it clear he isn’t going to even cover the FUNDAMENTALS of being soemone’s partner, then show yourself enough respect to leave the loser and find someone who doesn’t need to be convinced! They aren’t going to change, and you shouldn’t have to cajole someone into being a good partner. People who truly love you and want to be with you no matter what are HAPPY, no GIDDY, to pick you up at the airport, hold your hand in public, and NOT MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A PROSTITUTE!! Rant Over.

P.S. None of these guys are “bad at romance.” That’s a thinly veiled excuse to treat you less than you deserve, because they don’t really care or want to do anything more. Why would you want to be with someone who treated you like that?!

avatar LTC039 April 15, 2011, 10:31 am

I SOOOO AGREE!!! It’s sad & I’ve been that girl myself! My ex would never show affection, he would WIPE HIS FACE after I kissed him!!!! If that isn’t a clear slap in that face, I don’t know what is? Yet I stuck around for 3 yrs thinking “he would change”… We were also in a LDR & the times I went to go visit him, *I* would have to pay a cab to get to his dorm because he was “too busy.”
He ended up dumping me & I felt so stupid for having let a jerk like that get the best of me & pretty much destroy my self esteem… But I will say I have learned my lesson.
Wendy’s advice was on point! If you have expressed over & over to your partner that they are hurting you & they are doing nothing about it, MOA. The breakup hurt is FAR LESS than the hurt you’ll experience of hating yourself after the relationship (inevitably) ends! Because it will! Please ladies! BE STRONG & MOVE ON!! You’re worth WAY more!

avatar spaceboy761 April 15, 2011, 9:21 am

I say we institute a new rule where crying after sex means instant MOA and the rest of the letter is disregarded.

avatar NolaGirl April 15, 2011, 9:36 am

Unless of course it’s weeping with joy at how mind blowing the sex was ;)

avatar spaceboy761 April 15, 2011, 10:14 am

Eh. I think even that would fall into the category of what psychologists call “fucked up”. I would stick with MOA even in that circumstance.

avatar NolaGirl April 15, 2011, 10:18 am

haha I think it’d be the dude who’d need to MOA in that circumstance ;) You can’t MOA from yourself!

avatar demoiselle April 15, 2011, 10:40 am

No, crying after sex is not weird or fucked up. Sometimes it’s just so emotionally intense or intimate that tears come. That kind of crying after sex is a good, healthy thing.

avatar HolsteinHoney April 15, 2011, 10:58 am

I totally agree with you. The first couple times I had sex with my now boyfriend I was so blown away by how attentive he was to my needs that I ended up crying. I hadn’t even known what good sex was up until that point. Granted it was a bit awkward but he handled it well.

avatar Red_Lady April 16, 2011, 1:19 am

I came really close to crying after sex once. I have no idea why- it wasn’t like it was extra-amazing sex (just really good ;) ) but I just felt the urge to cry. So I’m going to have to agree w/ demoiselle, ‘cuz I wouldn’t consider myself “fucked up”
But crying after sex because you feel worthless? That’s DEFINITELY an MOA situation

avatar spaceboy761 April 15, 2011, 10:18 am

“That tittybang was just so beautiful! No words… [sobbing]… no words… [sobbing]… they should have sent a poet.”

See how creepy that was? We can’t have that going around… MOA immediately.

avatar cmarie April 15, 2011, 11:10 am

You come across as really cruel and immature…you should do something about it. Sex with someone you love can be a very emotionally intense experience, tears can come naturally, not the histrionics you use as an example.

avatar Desiree April 15, 2011, 11:17 am

I really think this one can be chalked up to he’s a man. Men can be kind and sweet and even sensitive, but for most their is a limit to how much of the female mind they can deeply comprehend. I suspect that a female’s desire to cry after sex might be beyond that line of understanding for most. (And, besides, there are huge aspects of the male brain that I don’t understand and don’t WANT to understand, so it evens out in the end.)

avatar Desiree April 15, 2011, 11:18 am

I was going to edit my reply, but it seems I can only edit stand-alone posts, not replies to other comments…

avatar spaceboy761 April 15, 2011, 12:01 pm

Right. Because all men are emotional cripples. I forgot that because actually I learned it once but then I read that David Wright only hit 10 home runs in 2009, so that brain cell was reallocated from life knowledge to National League baseball.

avatar spaceboy761 April 15, 2011, 11:52 am

OK. If your sense of humor is so poor that you actually read a comment with the word ‘tittybang’ in it and didn’t immediately detect it as sarcasm, I just feel sorry for you.

avatar MissDre April 15, 2011, 12:00 pm

I actually laughed out loud when I read that comment :)

avatar cmarie April 15, 2011, 12:06 pm

I get the sarcasm in it, I just don’t think your assertion that crying after sex is wrong, as long as it’s the I’m-so-happy type and not the I’m-a-whore type. My sense of humor is just fine thank you, it’s my tolerance for immaturity that is fraying. If you really didn’t mean it when you said any crying after sex was “fucked up” than I’ll willingly take it all back and apologize. Until then I stand by what I said.

avatar spaceboy761 April 15, 2011, 12:34 pm

Let’s back up here. If you read my initial comment, I stand by it. Basically, if somebody is making you feel so badly about yourself that you actually cry after sex, it’s over. Whatever other positives are going on the relationship aren’t worth it.

Nola then added a really funny comment, and the rest of it was just us riffing off of that. Somehow, someway, someone decided to either take the comments either way too out of context or far too personally, and here we are. How that happened in the midst of winking emoticons, I have no idea. I would have added winking emoticons of my own to further clarify the sarcasm, but self-respecting dudes over the age of 24 don’t use emoticons unless we’re doing it specifically to mock the use of emoticons. Which are for girls.

avatar Calliopedork April 15, 2011, 12:07 pm

Tittybangs are beautiful, never mock them

avatar spaceboy761 April 15, 2011, 12:35 pm

Of course they are! Why do you think I was crying? You think this is funny?! I would never… [sobbing].

avatar cmarie April 15, 2011, 12:46 pm

Yes, if a guy makes you cry after sex for the wrong reason it’s bad, but that doesn’t mean that all crying after sex is bad. That’s what I take issue with. Maybe I’m taking it too seriously and if so I’m sorry for getting all crazy girl on you. It’s been a bit of a stressful week so we’ll just chalk it up to those dang “hormones”.

avatar spaceboy761 April 15, 2011, 12:49 pm

Alternate responses:

“Try telling that to my wife.”

“That goes with saying, but if I were being sincere I would have said ‘boobsex’.

avatar WatersEdge April 15, 2011, 2:00 pm

booblovemaking?

avatar BeccaAnne April 15, 2011, 6:01 pm

This one time I had such an intese orgasm I hyperventilated and that turned into crying. Is that ok?

avatar ReginaRey April 15, 2011, 8:10 pm

No, that’s awesome…where can we get one?!

avatar emjay April 15, 2011, 9:25 am

Reginarey I nominate you for comment of the week! Stated perfectly with the right amount of attitude. I totally agree! :)

avatar MissDre April 15, 2011, 9:37 am

I feel like I must defend these girls somewhat… They are probably struggling to see things clearly because, while there are parts of their relationships that they are dissatisfied with, I’m sure there are also parts of their relationships that make them very happy. And I think they are probably just trying to find a balance…

We women are telling each other over and over again, never to settle for less! We are worth having our needs met and if a guy isn’t meeting our every need, we should MOA! Of course it is true that we should never settle for less, but we have to realize that people aren’t perfect and we can’t have every single thing we want in a man. If that were the case, relationships would be easy. But they are not, so we DO need to compromise on certain things.

So a lot of the women who write in, I think they are just struggling to figure out what they should and should not compromise on. They see a pro, and they see a con, and they are not sure which one outweighs the other.

Girls, all I can say is, if he does “this” but not “that”… just ask yourself, which one is more important in the long run?

avatar NolaGirl April 15, 2011, 9:39 am

I think the settle for less thing is more of a physical/tangible settling for less. No, he may not have rock hard abs and be don juan in bed, but if he makes you feel good, happy and loved and respects you. That may be what you need to focus on. Quit obsessing over the physical realities and look towards how he makes you FEEL. If you can find someone who makes you feel happy, safe, secure, beautiful, thrilled, and proud to be with them – it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t fit some list of physical or monetary characteristics. He’s the person who fits you.

avatar MissDre April 15, 2011, 9:46 am

I disagree, it’s not really just about physical things though. For example, sometimes I feel upset that my boyfriend never tells me that he loves me. But then I look at everything else he does. He spends all of his time with me, he calls in the evening to ask how my day was, he cooks for me, he helps with the dishes, he carries the groceries, he holds my hand, he asks about my mom, he’ll pick me up from the mechanic, he remembers my favourite brand of coffee (even though he hates coffee) and so much more.

Yeah, of course I want to hear it, but when it comes right down to it, I’m willing to go without hearing it all the time because I prefer being SHOWN in every other way.

avatar NolaGirl April 15, 2011, 9:51 am

But would you consider that settling or just acknowledging he is who he is? I wouldn’t consider that really settling because at the end of the day you’re getting the love that you want, it’s just not expressed all the times in the way you want.

avatar PFG-SCR April 15, 2011, 10:19 am

I don’t disagree with your general idea, MissDre, and like you, I don’t need the verbal affirmations as much as I need to see the behavior because “actions speak louder than words” to me. However, I want/need to hear “I love you” on a regular basis from my significant other, and that one is non-negotiable _for_me_.

avatar MissDre April 15, 2011, 9:39 am

PS I agree with Spaceboy that if you are so unhappy that you cry after sex… well that is a CON that outweighs any pro I can think of… Girl find somebody else who makes you feel good!

avatar ReginaRey April 15, 2011, 9:42 am

I agree with you that clearly no one is perfect, and relationships require a fair amount of compromise. But you should never compromise over basic needs. These guys don’t seem to be even fulfilling the basic, fundamental aspects of being a good partner! – Affection, respect, communication. When you aren’t getting the foundation of a good relationship, there isn’t much of a relationship to compromise on.

avatar NolaGirl April 15, 2011, 9:48 am

oh yeah, i totally agree. I’m just commenting re. the idea of settling. It’s not so much settling as looking past a laundry list of things you want in a partner. I think when people talk about settling they just don’t really word it correctly. It isn’t really settling, but broadening what you’re looking for. One should never settle on basic human respect and fulfillment in a relationship. But sometimes something you never thought would make you happy, might do just that.

But at the bottom line, the advice I’ve always given my friends. Do the goods outweigh the bads? Does he make you feel bad more than he makes you feel good? It should never be 50/50. The question is what can you live with? What makes you happy? You should be happy in a relationship most of the time. I think generally if you have to ask if it’s time to MOA, it’s probably time to MOA. A relationship should be a refuge, a safe place to go – it should never be contentious or stressful. What’s the point of being with someone if you don’t feel comfortable and safe with them?

avatar MissDre April 15, 2011, 9:49 am

Yeah, I am not saying that these girls should put up with being treated like crap. Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m just saying, I can understand why they may have trouble seeing the situation clearly.

avatar Amy April 15, 2011, 10:56 am

Nola Girl, MissDre, and ReginaRey – I think you all should be nominated for comment of the week! I want to print off your comments, post them on my bulletin board and give a copy to every woman I know.

avatar MissDre April 15, 2011, 11:02 am

@Amy, yay my first nomination! hahaha

avatar phoenix287 April 15, 2011, 5:09 pm

“I agree with you that clearly no one is perfect, and relationships require a fair amount of compromise. But you should never compromise over basic needs. These guys don’t seem to be even fulfilling the basic, fundamental aspects of being a good partner! – Affection, respect, communication. When you aren’t getting the foundation of a good relationship, there isn’t much of a relationship to compromise on.”

Thank you ReginaRey! This gets my vote for comment of the week!

avatar HmC April 15, 2011, 11:20 am

Just to add one thing to what everyone has already said (great comments today guys!)- I think a very important element of all three of the above letters is that each of these girls has communicated their feelings to their guys, and all of the guys have systematically rejected their feelings. That is, *the guys* refuse to adjust or compromise even a little, in order to make their girlfriends happier and more comfortable. Everyone is an adjustment, that’s true, but it shouldn’t just be the girls adjusting!

At the beginning of my relationship with my current boyfriend, he let me know that he wasn’t really a “phone guy”. I had been used to talking on the phone almost daily in my other relationships, and I wasn’t sure how it would feel not to talk on the phone. Well, I let him know that communication was important to me, so we found a compromise that makes us both happy. We text and email (on a very equal basis) and save our big talks for in person, and we spend a lot of time actually together. It was a slight adjustment on both of our parts, but we’re both very happy. I know my boyfriend isn’t a naturally good communicator, I’ve even heard him admit to such when talking with friends, but he puts in an effort with me because he cares about my happiness, not just his own.

You shouldn’t want to change who a man fundamentally is. But a relationship basically *is* one huge life adjustment. If that’s not acceptable to you, guy or girl, then you shouldn’t be in one.

avatar Jess April 15, 2011, 4:22 pm

I always had the problem of thinking things would get better. Like with my pothead ex, there were always these points on the horizon where he would quit smoking. (and actually be a fun, caring person again who added value to my life).

of course these quitting deadlines would keep coming and going by… finally I met someone else, and remembered what being happy with someone actually felt like. It was sooo easy to dump him after that!

avatar MissDre April 15, 2011, 10:01 am

Wendy, as women we all talk a lot to each other about the things we should never compromise on when it comes to a relationship.

Have you ever written anything about what we can compromise on? You’re married, you of all people know that relationships are give and take. I’d be interested to see a list of things you think are ok to brush off / let go.

Dear Wendy Wendy April 15, 2011, 10:04 am

That’s a good idea. Look for something next week!

avatar Emsz April 15, 2011, 10:07 am

I don’t think there can be such a list, because that would be a different list for every person. Everybody has different priorities.

avatar Jess April 15, 2011, 10:18 am

Yea but I think there are some general guidelines that people should keep in mind. To be happy maybe you need to reevulate your priorities.

Example:
To have children or not: Not a compromise-able thing
Number of children to have: compromise

avatar Painted_lady April 15, 2011, 10:38 am

I think there’s a set of pretty concrete things that apply to all relationships, though.
And I would say all of these things are pretty obvious, but I read this site.

avatar sarolabelle April 15, 2011, 10:23 am

Good idea!

avatar Desiree April 15, 2011, 11:23 am

This is so important. I have seen many women in my life trampled on by men, and I myself have been treated like lower than dirt by more than a few. I developed such a hard notion of “I won’t settle for less! I won’t let a man treat me like that!” that I sometimes forget that real, good relationships DO involve compromise from both sides. It can be hard to strike that balance between maintaining a certain standard but also realizing the natural imperfections of us all. I am glad I have a patient boyfriend.

avatar Amy April 15, 2011, 11:31 am

Have you read the book “Marry Him – The CAse for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” by Lori Gottlieb? I think that book directly answers your question.

avatar MissDre April 15, 2011, 12:47 pm

I have not read the book but I have read the reviews and I agree with the author’s point. I used to have a specific “type” that I went for… basically I wanted an African guy, clean cut, sweater vests and ties, studying engineering or something equivalent… I stuck to that pattern for years. Somehow I ended up with a Canadian guy with braids and baggy jeans who works at a factory and it’s by far the happiest relationship I’ve ever been in times like a thousand :)

avatar Amy April 15, 2011, 3:23 pm

I love that!!!! I actually haven’t read it either but a friend of mine keeps telling me to read it and it sounds like it is full of good advice about choosing what to be picky about and what to let go. :-)

avatar Painted_lady April 15, 2011, 10:05 am

Don’t be with someone you have to beg to love you. Don’t be with someone from whom you have to request right treatment. Of course, no one is ever going to be your perfect match, but my god, if you tell a man he’s making you feel badly and he doesn’t do anything about what he’s doing to make you feel badly – or worse, he makes you think the problem is yours – he does not care about you like you want him to. It’s not that he doesn’t understand, it’s not that he just needs time and space. If he cares about you, he will not continue to do things that hurt you.

A friend of mine and I have always referred to these kinds of guys as careless men. They’re not jerks who actively fool women, and they’re not the crazy ones, they’re just unwilling or unaware that they should be taking someone else into consideration. I finally put this frustration into words with a man who continually insisted, “I didn’t mean to!” was an adequate excuse for doing things that hurt me. “Don’t ‘not mean to’ hurt me, you should mean NOT to hurt me. It should be a conscious intent.” I finally realized that I couldn’t be with someone who couldn’t put not hurting me at the top of his priority list.

avatar kerrycontrary April 15, 2011, 10:32 am

“my god, if you tell a man he’s making you feel badly and he doesn’t do anything about what he’s doing to make you feel badly-or worse, he makes you think the problem is yours-he does not care about you like you want him to.” Well said!! Everyone makes mistakes, but if someone doesn’t care or doesn’t try to fix their mistake then they just don’t care about you enough!

caitie_didnt caitie_didn't April 15, 2011, 10:34 am

A good friend of mine dated a guy for three years (who was also my friend) and he was an all-around crappy boyfriend. Similar to these guys, didn’t want to “inconvenience” himself by coming to visit her, no physical affection, actually told her he “wasn’t sure if he loved her anymore”, made her feel terrible about herself etc etc. His excuse was always that he was a fundamentally cranky person but he “treated her better than anyone else in his life, even his family”. But you know what?? That STILL wasn’t good enough, because he still made her feel like shit. I was so, so happy when that relationship finally ended because she really deserves someone who treats her right.

avatar justpeachy April 15, 2011, 3:21 pm

I agree. Honestly, I know it’s an old moral but you can tell a lot about a guy by how he treats his mother, or the other people around him. Does he do nice, spontaneous gestures for them? Does he verbalize how he cares to them? While he will mostly like do more for his girlfriend than his family in terms of loving gestures, his interactions with them will dictate what you can expect.

avatar LolaBeans April 15, 2011, 10:46 am

I think some people just don’t know what’s an acceptable compromise and what’s not. Or when to call it quits and when you should keep working at your relationship. For most of the LW’s they’ve been with their SO’s for a year or more.. I can see being ‘stuck’ and not sure of what to do.
But I feel in all the cases above, with the information provided they should all MOA.

avatar cat-i-z April 15, 2011, 10:52 am

I was in this type of relationship once. My ex had never said, “I love you” to anyone… yeah not even his parents. I stayed with him for way too long without my needs being met. I know it’s hard to let go of someone you love even if you know he/she is not the right person for you… but the longer you put off ending the relationship the worse it is for both parties.

I wish all 3 of you luck and love that you deserve & desire!

Skyblossom Skyblossom April 15, 2011, 10:54 am

All of these women sound miserable and all have tried to improve their relationships and failed. I’m a firm believer that you make your relationship happy instead of your relationship making you happy. In these cases the women have tried and nothing is changing and so they can’t make these relationships happy. MOA.

avatar MsBorgia April 15, 2011, 10:59 am

LW2 here. Totally agree with Miss Dre. Unfortunately, not only are we told to compromise, but we are given conflicting messages about attachment styles. My problem is that these little things feel important but I feel like they SHOULDN’T feel important. Should it bother me that he can’t/doesn’t text me during the day? It does, but I feel like it shouldn’t.

He has a million wonderful qualities and when we are together I am so happy with him. I don’t know what should bother me anymore.

avatar MissDre April 15, 2011, 11:12 am

Maybe write a list to yourself of all the things he DOES do that make you feel really good. Then when you think of the things you want him to do, pick one that you think is most important and tell him how much it would mean to you.

After we got into our comfortable stage, I had to tell my boyfriend straight up that I want him to text me during the day. I said to him, listen, I know you are busy and got your own shit to do, but when I don’t hear from you it makes me feel like I’m not a priority in your life. And he told me he was sorry, he didn’t realize that;s how I was feeling and that he’d try harder. And ever since then, he always texts or calls to see how my day is going.

So, start out by bringing up one thing. If your man is a good partner, he should acknowledge how you feel and make an effort. If he shrugs you off or doesn’t appear to even try, then you have every right to feel like your needs aren’t being met and maybe then it’s time to consider finding someone who is a better fit for you.

avatar Laurel April 15, 2011, 11:33 am

Ooo MissDre that’s a great idea about the lists, I’m totally going to do that in my own relationship!

avatar ReginaRey April 15, 2011, 11:17 am

I think you need to define what your basic needs are, and what you consider to be reasonable. If he has a job that doesn’t allow him to text during the day, does he call you regularly, or email? Does he make an attempt to communicate with you in ways other than texting? That’s a reasonable compromise for a relationship. But refusing to pick you up from the airport? His girlfriend that he should be over the moon excited to see? Does he give you a reason for being unable, or is his unwillingness the only thing he offers to you?

Point is, do you think you’re getting your basic needs fulfilled in this relationship? Your needs for love, communication, respect, trust, etc? Your opening line was “I’m always expecting him to disappoint me.” That leads me to very much believe that no, you AREN’T getting basic needs fulfilled. I understand that you may be confused about what’s reasonable to expect and compromise on, but let me assure you that expecting your boyfriend to be happy to pick you up is NOT unreasonable. To be perfectly honest, I think he’s putting in the very, very least he possibly can to keep the relationship, because it’s easy for him. If he were putting in MORE than the bare minimum, you’d be getting more texts, he wouldn’t be forgetting things that are important to you, and he’d be overjoyed to sweep you off your feet at the airport.

avatar LolaBeans April 15, 2011, 11:31 am

Just as an example, I was in an LDR with my current boyfriend over a year ago and when I came to visit him.. even though it was walking distance to his house.. he would come and meet me at the train station.
He even brought flowers.
Hun, you deserve better. Someone who is HAPPY and excited to see you when you visit once every two months.
Ditch this dude and find someone better.

avatar sarolabelle April 15, 2011, 11:35 am

LW2 – out of the letters today – I have no idea if you actually communicate and tell him these things. Texting shouldn’t be a bother UNLESS there is nothing else he is doing. If he isn’t texting but is posting FB wall posts telling you to have a good day or calling you/emailing you everyday then texting isn’t an issue. If he is doing nothing then the issue isn’t texting – it is that you feel he doesn’t care. But do you tell him this?

avatar Painted_lady April 15, 2011, 11:39 am

If he’s not willing to pick you up at the airport, FUCK. HIM. Or rather, don’t. Anyone who makes you feel like you’re too much trouble, um, EVER, you should just make it easy on him and remove the burden of you permanently.

If he can’t be bothered to travel across town to pick you up at the airport, then you shouldn’t be bothered to travel across the fucking country to see him. Never mind that he should be so excited to see you he can’t wait the time it takes to get to his house from the airport to see your face. He is making me furious FOR you. If he doesn’t act like a boyfriend, why do you remain his girlfriend???? Lose him and find someone who treats you like a privilege rather than a chore.

avatar MissDre April 15, 2011, 11:58 am

Yeah, I certainly agree that this guy should be thrilled to pick her up at the airport! The fact that he jokes about how it’s less effort for him if he doesn’t, that makes him kind of a douchenozzle!

avatar ReginaRey April 15, 2011, 12:00 pm

douchenozzle! I love it! Totally going to start dropping that into my everyday conversations!

And I second what Painted_lady said times 50…”if he cant be bothered to travel across town to pick you up at the airport, then you shouldn’t be bothered to travel across the fucking country to see him.” – WORD.

avatar Painted_lady April 15, 2011, 12:10 pm

My best ‘mo coined the term “doucheoisie” referring specifically to groups of drunken frat or wannabe-frat types. I think some of these guys are members….

avatar MissDre April 15, 2011, 12:27 pm

I started using it at work, and one day my boss said something about “Douchebags, douchenozzles, and other apparatus…” I just about fell out of my chair laughing.

caitie_didnt caitie_didn't April 15, 2011, 3:40 pm

OH MY GOD I love the word douchenozzle!!! I am the only person I know that uses it and all my friends give me weird looks whenever I do! So excited to not be the only person out there who says this!

avatar Laurel April 15, 2011, 11:32 am

The thing is, think about how much effort it takes to send a text. Almost none, right? And with most people’s phone plans, it won’t break the bank either. You’ve told your bf that you need the small things (like getting texts) to feel loved, and he has chosen to ignore it. (And I do believe it is a need, not a want on your part. I need lots of hugs from my bf to feel loved. Everyone’s got needs, that’s not something to apologize for.) Instead of doing something that requires minimal effort (on his part) for maximum reward, he’s decided to do nothing and convinced you that you shouldn’t “need” him to do anything for you to feel loved. That’s bullshit.

If you want to stay with him because he truly makes you happy when you’re together, first look to see how different his behavior is when you’re not long distance. If he is putting forth the effort you need face to face but not LD, then talk to him about that and establish some ground rules (ie, he will text/call frequently enough, you’ll send him racy pics, whatever floats your boats). If it only *feels* better in person but really he’s still inattentive (which from what you said about not wanting to pick you up from the airport it sounds like he might be….) then just MOA because you deserve to have your needs met.

If you’re looking for reading material, I’d really suggest “The Five Love Languages”, which Wendy has a click-thru to Amazon link. Granted the stories in that book are about married couples rather than people who are dating, but the message still applies.

avatar Laurel April 15, 2011, 11:40 am

Oh and trying to brush his behavior off because he’s “not good at romance” is bullshit. It really sounds to me like he’s not good at giving a damn. Not good at romance is getting you a crazy-eyed teddy bear he thought would be sweet when you hate stuffed animals. Not wanting to pick you up at the airport is just heartless.

avatar SpyGlassez April 15, 2011, 3:25 pm

Thanks for mentioning the “Love Languages” book. It has been a big help to me in my relationship. I can’t get my boyfriend to read it, but he asked me to talk him through it and summarize it, and we’ve gone over what our “types” are. For him, us being in the same room – even at our separate desks – is enough. He just likes knowing I’m there. For me, that isn’t enough. I need him to touch me – not just snuggling up before bed, but to kiss my cheek or stroke my hair or rub my neck whenever he gets up and walks past me. Just being present can make me feel ignored. Once I explained that to him, he has made an effort. It isn’t perfect every time, but nothing is.

avatar moonflowers April 15, 2011, 12:54 pm

“My problem is that these little things feel important but I feel like they SHOULDN’T feel important. Should it bother me that he can’t/doesn’t text me during the day? It does, but I feel like it shouldn’t.”

The only person who has any right to say what bothers or doesn’t bother you is *you*. There are no universal “shoulds” or “shouldn’ts” about things like texting during the day, because they’re individual preferences, and in your case, you want to be texted. You deserve nothing less than to have your needs met in a relationship, just as you probably would go out of your way to accommodate your boyfriend’s needs. If someone’s doing stuff to you that you wouldn’t do to any hypothetical boyfriend, like ignore his needs after he’s made them clear, then it’s time to MOA.

avatar cmarie April 15, 2011, 11:14 am

Agreed, agreed, and agreed. And not just because I’m trying to suck up to Wendy. Relationships thrive on compromise but you shouldn’t ever give up feeling loved and respected. Feeling like a whore after sex is not how a happily paired woman should feel. Also, if a guy laughs off your concerns just MOA because he doens’t respect you. As far as the guys in the letters seem to be concerned, they’re getting what they want without having to give you what you need. Respect yourself because they obviously don’t. MOA

avatar mf April 15, 2011, 11:23 am

Ladies, either these three men are (a) assholes or (b) not in love with you. Possibly both.

Either way, you deserve better. A man who loves you and is not an asshole will want to meet your needs, even if it means a little extra work for him. He should be so thrilled to see you that OF COURSE he’ll pick you up at the airport (particularly if you’re in an LDR where you don’t get to see each much). He should be willing to say “I love you” once in a while if it makes you happy, even if he’s not the type to express his feelings with words. He should offer, and even joy, some sort of physical affection, whether that be hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc.

Like Miss Dre said above, I can understand why you might not able to see the situation clearly. But for most people, these things (communication, affection, physical touch) are basic needs. If that’s the case for you, you should not compromise.

fast eddie fast eddie April 15, 2011, 11:23 am

Talking about your inner feelings are what girl friends and advise columnists are for. The home team’s chances of making the playoffs are what us guys are into. See ya at the bar mate.

avatar mf April 15, 2011, 11:57 am

A guy who never says “I love you,” gives his girl a hug, or remembers Valentine’s Day is the equivalent of a woman who never gives her guy a blow job, sex, or a back rub. Not making an effort to meet your partner’s needs = unloving behavior. It has nothing to do with gender.

avatar moonflowers April 15, 2011, 12:57 pm

You’re either being sarcastic here or doing a disservice to yourself and other wonderful, manly men who *do* understand and talk about feelings. :)

avatar Jess April 15, 2011, 4:27 pm

ugh im SO glad my boyfriend hates watching sports. The way he looks at it is, “I dont care how far that guy can kick a ball. I dont care what they can do, I care what I can do.” He thinks men who care passionately about sports just have really boring lives and nothing else to care about. I tend to agree.

avatar RoyalEagle0408 April 16, 2011, 6:41 pm

I don’t even want to know what he thinks about women who care passionately about sports…

avatar HmC April 15, 2011, 7:57 pm

Well, *you’re* here aren’t you?

avatar Elle April 15, 2011, 12:07 pm

It seems to me that all the guys in these letters take their girlfriends for granted. As in, they don’t have to put much effort into the relationship, because the girl will stick around anyway.

LW1, I was in your position once. After sex, I would feel empty. And I would cry at home, not right after sex. But still… In my opinion (and based on my experience), he’s not fulfilling your emotional needs. You maybe don’t realize that consciously yet, but it will come to you.

And when it comes to ‘taking someone else for granted’. The relationship is usually great right before that point. And I wish I knew what that turning point is, so I never go past it. I realize it must be the right balance between making him want me, and letting him know I’m his… And the reverse is true – if I know that he’ll be with me no matter what, I lose my respect for him. (Guess it’s obvious I don’t believe in unconditional love.) Ideas?

avatar Theenemyofmyenemyisagrilledcheesesandwich April 15, 2011, 1:59 pm

The thing that struck me most about LW1 is that she and her boyfriend go TWO MONTHS between seeing each-other and he doesn’t hug/kiss her without her initiating?? I’ve been in a LDR for over two years, and its true that after a while the time apart isn’t as excruciating the longer we are together- you know you’re stable together, and you know that the times apart are temporary- I/we still get excited when we first see each other again. I see him three weekends out of four a month, so I sometimes go only five days between seeing him. Every, EVERY time I see him for the first time after a break I get a hug and kiss. There is no question that he wants to get him hands on me, and not just for sex. True, if I stay for an extended time with him I do need to give him space as he isn’t an extremely physical person, and I need less physical space than he does. So I compromise, and get slightly less than I would like, knowing that he is still providing me with slightly more than he would like. But he is still affectionate without provocation. If I hadn’t seen him for two months, and he wouldn’t even hold my hand I would take that as a huge, bright neon, glaring sign:

MOA MOA MOA MOA MOA MOA!!

You don’t have to compromise feeling wanted.

avatar Rachel April 15, 2011, 2:43 pm

I love your display name. That is all.

avatar MissDre April 15, 2011, 2:54 pm

I can’t imagine not hugging/kissing. I see my man 3 or 4 days out of the week and every time he walks in my front door, puts his arms around me and kisses me like he hasn’t seen me in a month. I’m a very touchy/feeling kind of person so I need that.

avatar Leslie April 15, 2011, 2:17 pm

Amen Wendy! I was in the same boat as LW1 and it didn’t take me long to recognize that me and my ex weren’t a good match. As tough as it is, you have to just MOA!

avatar CG April 15, 2011, 2:31 pm

AMEN, Wendy! I’ll quibble with the second LW a bit in that I don’t think the guy not texting her is a super-huge deal, but for everything else she and the other LWs wrote … listen to Wendy, ladies!!!!

Leave a Comment


1 + = two