Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“He Never Initiates Sex Anymore!”

My fiancé and I have been together for one year. We live in different states and see each other an average of two weekends out of the month. In the beginning the sex was good and frequent with him initiating it and putting in most of the effort to please me. In more recent months the sex has begun to slow down and now it is completely non-existent. Meanwhile, our relationship remains strong, loving and affectionate (besides sex) and I am as sure as one can be that he is not cheating on me.

Whenever I bring up the lack of sex to him he says that the stress of being unemployed and the fact that I never put in any effort to please him or spice things up in the bedroom have caused him to lose the desire to initiate sex. He suggested that we work on “spicing” things up in the bedroom. What bothers me is that although I am admittedly lazy between the sheets none of my past boyfriends ever lost their enthusiasm to have sex with me. I am given constant compliments on my physique and appearance by strangers and even my fiancé so I don’t understand why he has lost interest, especially since the other areas in our relationship remain strong. I am nervous that if he is already over the sex so early on in our relationship that our married sex life will not stand a chance. I only like engaging in two positions (spooning or missionary) and have never gone down on him or anyone else before. What’s the problem? Is he gay or can this be fixed? — Downhill Sex

I usually avoid answering sex questions because it’s really not my forté and there are other advice columnists who tackle them far better than I ever could. But this one I couldn’t pass up. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what the problem here is — and no, it isn’t that your boyfriend is gay. The problem is that you are an (admittedly) lazy, self-absorbed, selfish woman who has skated by on her good looks and never learned that the key to a man’s heart is putting in a little effort and letting him know he’s appreciated. Have you ever heard that song about how if a man wants to be happy for the rest of his life he should never make a pretty woman his wife? You are exactly the kind of woman who inspired such lyrics. Pretty is boring — and soul-crushing, really — if there’s no heart and action behind the face (and body).

Sure, you could dump your boyfriend and move on to another chump who might be excited with you for a few weeks or months, but I promise you’ll never keep a long-term boyfriend — at least one who remains faithful to you — by expecting him to do all the work. And that goes for in the bedroom and out. Stop being so lazy if you want a long, successful happy relationship. Initiate sex once in a while. Try another position for a change. Go down on the poor guy, and I promise — I promise — his enthusiasm for you will be renewed and you will be rewarded with the commitment and attention you crave.

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected] and be sure to follow me on Twitter.

166 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Desiree July 11, 2011, 1:25 pm

    Unless you have a serious personal problem with it, give the poor man a blow job. He will be so much happier for it! Being a generous lover is a huge part of being a good lover.

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    • avatar

      SpaceySteph July 11, 2011, 1:46 pm

      “Unless you have a serious personal problem with it…”
      If you do have a serious personal problem with it, get the hell over it. In the years before I had sex I thought that putting a guy’s penis in my mouth sounded awful and degrading and weird, and swore I would never do it. Fast forward a few years and I do it frequently for my boyfriend who I love and like to see happy. So, yeah, sometimes you just have to suck some dick.

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      • caitie_didnt

        caitie_didn't July 11, 2011, 1:49 pm

        It makes me feel super sexy! It’s kind of a power trip to see how much you can turn a guy on AND if he’s willing to let you put your teeth near his dick, you know he trusts you!

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      • avatar

        Laurel July 11, 2011, 1:51 pm

        Heck I’ve got TMJ and keeping my mouth open for an extended period of time really hurts. So you know what I do? Use other body parts when my mouth is getting too tired. There are lots of ways to creatively get around a sexual aversion/limitation.

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      • avatar

        Desiree July 11, 2011, 1:59 pm

        I only added that bit because I was waiting for the LW to bring up some traumatizing sexual experience or something. Oh, and I also have a friend who considers it against her religion. While I may think her objection is silly, I try to live and let live..

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph July 11, 2011, 5:57 pm

        Haha a friend of mine once told a guy that since she was Jewish she couldn’t put sausage in her mouth. I told her it was allowed as long as she didn’t swallow.

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      • avatar

        eelizg23 July 12, 2011, 11:56 am

        I actually really appreciated that you said that! A lot of abuse survivors understandably have problems doing things they had previously been forced or coerced into.

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      • avatar

        Sarah July 11, 2011, 2:54 pm

        “So, yeah, sometimes you just have to suck some dick.”

        The last words of my memoirs.

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      • avatar

        Britannia July 11, 2011, 6:26 pm

        I’d definitely read that book!

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      • avatar

        Rachelgrace53 July 11, 2011, 8:04 pm

        Ditto!

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      • courtney89

        courtney July 11, 2011, 3:11 pm

        Same thing here- when I first learned what a blowjob was, I was like ewwww who would do that… Oh to be young and innocent again!! hahah

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  • avatar

    MissDre July 11, 2011, 1:28 pm

    How can you only stick to those two positions?? You are missing out! Girl on top is great because you are in control of your own pleasure and you’re getting more stimulation. Doggy style is great because guys love a rear view while they are doing you!

    You definitely need to go down on the guy! Surprise him by slipping into the shower with him and going down on him. Or tie him up with a silk scarf or something. Get a vibrating cock ring!

    C’mon girl! Spice it up! For your own pleasure as much as his!!!!

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    • avatar

      SpyGlassez July 11, 2011, 11:33 pm

      The shower idea definitely adds a different spin on things. Even just slipping into the shower and being sensuous there adds a whole different dimension to things.

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    • Heather

      Heather July 12, 2011, 9:36 am

      For freaking real. It can be so much fun to try new things. And even if those new things don’t work out for whatever reason, then don’t take yourself too seriously and laugh about it. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable for both, whether it be because you’re both doing it for each other or once in a while one of you just likes the gratification of spoiling the other person.

      Two way street, lady.

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  • avatar

    lk July 11, 2011, 1:29 pm

    If you are operating under the illusion that “going down” on a man is degrading, consider how much power you have with his sexual organs between your teeth – and how much he must trust you! That really excites me & I feel very close & intimate in that position.

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    • avatar

      MsMisery July 11, 2011, 1:44 pm

      And if she’s not comfortable with the… uh… finishing aspect of this task, then set some rules! Have a conversation first. Say “tap me on the shoulder before you finish.” So you can spit or duck or just be aware. Whatever your comfort level is.

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      • avatar

        MissDre July 11, 2011, 1:58 pm

        She doesn’t even need to go down on him until he finishes… start out by doing it for just a few minutes as foreplay… get him all riled up!

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      • avatar

        convexed July 11, 2011, 7:43 pm

        So if at first (or forever) the in-mouth finish is daunting, tell him you would love it if he came on your tits. Just don’t be like, ‘Ew, not in my mouth!’, be like, ‘I want to watch you finish on me tits!’ Totally tolerable, and you might even like it! He will, for sure.

        I totally agree with Wendy. Being an average looking girl who could never coast on good looks, I can brag that I have more and better sex than many of my more beautiful friends. This is because when I like someone I make it my business to make sure they have a memorable time. It’s a point of pride, my dear, you gotta get over the laziness and, if you want hot sex to happen, buck up and give it the old college try.

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      • avatar

        convexed July 11, 2011, 7:44 pm

        OMG. That above is meant to say ‘MY tits’, not ‘ME tits’. Doesn’t sound as sexy with the typo :-(.

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      • avatar

        Kate July 11, 2011, 7:58 pm

        It would be with a pirate accent!

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  • avatar

    Slamy July 11, 2011, 1:30 pm

    Relationships are about compromising – compromising to do sexual positions that you may not be crazy about or haven’t had the guts to try but that will drive him wild. I think giving oral sex is important, too. I think trying to entire and please your man is important. Sex has been an important part of my relationships – it helps us feel closer together and trying new things together can make things feel exciting.

    I think that guys would rather sleep with a girl who isn’t a 10 on the looks scale but puts in effort in the sack to make both of them have a good time and who enjoys sex with him than with a drop-dead-gorgeous-model-type who just lays there and won’t try new things. I don’t even mean anal – but really, two positions?!

    If I was dating someone who wouldn’t go down on me or let me go down on him, who would only do two positions and who wouldn’t be enthusiastic in bed, I would stop dating him.

    I think you need to work on not being “admittedly lazy between the sheets” or find someone who doesn’t like to have sex.

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    • avatar

      Slamy July 11, 2011, 1:34 pm

      By the way, I’m surprised you landed a proposal without ever having given him a blowjob.

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      • avatar

        silver_dragon_girl July 11, 2011, 1:45 pm

        Yeah, that’s definitely a “try before you buy” activity.

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      • avatar

        PFG-SCR July 11, 2011, 2:18 pm

        You’d be surprised – I have a friend who has never given her husband a blow job ever, and another friend whose husband has never gone down on her ever. Both have been married for over 10 years and have several kids each.

        Personally speaking, “no oral” would be a dealbreaker for me, whether it’s receiving or giving.

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      • avatar

        robottapocalypse July 11, 2011, 6:08 pm

        That’s a recipe for cheating!

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      • avatar

        LennyBee July 11, 2011, 7:22 pm

        Not always. There are people who aren’t into oral. Everyone likes different things between the sheets, so it stands to reason that not everyone particularly cares about oral.

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      • KKZ

        HeyNonnyNonny July 12, 2011, 11:26 pm

        THANK YOU. I have long felt like the odd one out because oral sex is not my favorite. Every other woman I’ve met seems to be wild about it, and I’ve had to tell myself time and time again that I’m not crazy for disliking it. Granted, hubby and I are working on making the experience better for both of us, so maybe I’ll still come around to it.

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    • avatar

      MissDre July 11, 2011, 1:38 pm

      Your comment reminded me of what a friend once told me… This is just his opinion so I hope nobody is offended… He told me that “Fat girls are better in bed because they try harder – they know they can’t rely on their looks whereas skinny girls just lay there and think that’s all they need to do.”

      So I think you’re right. Guys would rather be with a girl who puts in effort.

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      • avatar

        Jena July 12, 2011, 9:37 am

        Ugh, your friend sounds disgusting. More like “Lazy girls just lay there and think that’s all they need to do.”

        It has nothing to do with weight, it has to do with enthusiasm.

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    • avatar

      Slamy July 11, 2011, 1:39 pm

      entice**

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    • avatar

      Desiree July 11, 2011, 2:02 pm

      “I think that guys would rather sleep with a girl who isn’t a 10 on the looks scale but puts in effort in the sack to make both of them have a good time and who enjoys sex with him than with a drop-dead-gorgeous-model-type who just lays there and won’t try new things.”
      I was actually told exactly that by a fling of mine. He said he had been with this model-looking girl, but, in his words, “she just laid there.” He said he couldn’t make sex work with someone who practically acted dead.

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      • avatar

        robottapocalypse July 11, 2011, 6:11 pm

        It is pretty equivalent to having food that looks wonderful but has no taste. They even make rice-pucks with different flavors.

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    • avatar

      SSBoo July 11, 2011, 3:58 pm

      Sorry but I just have to say how hilarious it is reading the sex advice with a Grover icon right next to it. Welcome to Sesame Street for sure!

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      • avatar

        Slamy July 11, 2011, 6:52 pm

        Well, thanks! Hilarity is my main goal in life.

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      • avatar

        SweetChild July 11, 2011, 10:27 pm

        Haha I just wrote that too, nice one Grover!

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    • avatar

      SweetChild July 11, 2011, 10:26 pm

      Is it weird that a picture of Grover is giving sex advice…?

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  • avatar

    AliK47 July 11, 2011, 1:35 pm

    She’s somehow amazed that when she’s a) self-admittedly lazy in bed and b) expects the man to initiate very time that her fiance is sexually bored? Wake up, sweetheart! You might be a pretty girl, but there are other things that significant others look for.

    I love my boyfriend to pieces but if we had a boring sex life it would be a total dealbreaker…part of a good relationship is a fulfilling sexual relationship (in my opinion, as someone with a very high sex drive). Not only is it fun, it’s important for self-esteem. There’s nothing less sexy than lazy partner. Look at how you’re feeling all rejected and confused now that he’s started playing your own game–he’s probably been feeling like this the whole time. Like Wendy said, you should either let this guy go so he can find someone he’s sexually compatible with, or be willing to try the things that he wants (within reason). I wouldn’t want to marry someone I was already sexually bored with, and I doubt he does either.

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  • avatar

    silver_dragon_girl July 11, 2011, 1:38 pm

    Agree with Wendy 1000000000000000000% percent. Follow her advice, girl! Take some initiative! Put in some effort! You can do it! Branch out! Tap into your kinky side! Ask your fiance to teach you how to give a bj! Try a new position– tonight! Buy a toy! Buy some new lingerie! How many exclamation points can I use in one post?!

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    • avatar

      PFG-SCR July 11, 2011, 2:19 pm

      “How many exclamation points can I use in one post?!”

      I’m a total exclamation point whore, so I think you could have used more!!!!!!!!! 😉

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  • landygirl

    Landygirl July 11, 2011, 1:44 pm

    Is this letter for real? Are there really people out there who are as clueless as the LW? If it is then the LW is ridiculous. It’s like saying I bought a plant but don’t water it and now I wonder why it’s dying. LW, don’t marry this man, he deserves someone who will actually put effort into him.

    I don’t know I still call hijinx.

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    • avatar

      silver_dragon_girl July 11, 2011, 1:47 pm

      Best. Simile. Ever.

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      • avatar

        neuroticbeagle July 11, 2011, 2:08 pm

        Grammar Police Post.

        A simile uses the words like or as in it.
        “My dog snores as loudly as a bulldozer” or “my dog snoring sounds like a bulldozer” are similes.

        A metaphor uses an image to express an idea.
        “I bought a plant but don’t water it and now I wonder why it’s dying” is a metaphor.

        However, it still is awesome.

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      • avatar

        MissDre July 11, 2011, 2:11 pm

        Haha I caught that too…

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      • avatar

        silver_dragon_girl July 11, 2011, 2:16 pm

        Lol. As a fellow grammar-police-woman, I selected “simile” because of the “It’s like” in front of the image. 🙂

        “It’s like a tree” vs. “It’s a tree.”

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      • avatar

        neuroticbeagle July 11, 2011, 2:43 pm

        I missed the “like” at first. Now, after spending way too much time thinking about it, I have come to the conclusion that the sentence is a simile: It’s (the letter) is being compared to the “saying”. What is being said (“I bought a plant…”), however, is a metaphor.

        Damn the English language.

        Damn my dog’s snoring.

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      • avatar

        AmitR July 11, 2011, 3:54 pm

        Why not let’s just call it an analogy and forget about the simile/metaphor debate?! Seems irrelevant to the topic.

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      • avatar

        Jena July 12, 2011, 9:38 am

        “it’s like saying….”

        Grammar police, get your rules lined up before you call someone out on them.

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    • avatar

      sarolabelle July 11, 2011, 2:19 pm

      I think it is fake too

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      • avatar

        MissDre July 11, 2011, 2:21 pm

        I don’t. I had a friend who refused to go down on her bf… or try anything new at all. And… he cheated on her.

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      • avatar

        Desiree July 11, 2011, 2:33 pm

        I don’t think it’s fake either. I have heard stories from guys about women like this: gorgeous girls who think their looks absolve them from sexual effort. You know how all these stories ended? With the guys moving on because they were sick of the one-sidedness and bad sex. What a shocker.

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      • caitie_didnt

        caitie_didn't July 11, 2011, 5:01 pm

        But you also hear of the sort-of reverse: the guy who’s hung like a horse, and who thinks all he has to do is show up and pound away to be good in bed. So it’s not just girls that are guilty.

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      • avatar

        caffeinatrix July 11, 2011, 10:42 pm

        UGH. I hate guys like that! I’ve had two exes like that. They were just so proud of their larger than average packages. Both of them sweetly took the time, before we slept together, to sit me down and prepare me with conversations about their big wangs and how they’d understand if it hurt at first.
        Foreplay was nonexistent with both of them. One of them also wouldn’t go down on me, even though he expected it from me. The other one always wanted to play really bad metal music while we were doing it. And yeah, all they did was pound away, finish and roll over.

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      • avatar

        PFG-SCR July 11, 2011, 2:26 pm

        This reminds me of that article at The Frisky a year or so ago about why the writer would only have missionary sex with her husband.

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  • caitie_didnt

    caitie_didn't July 11, 2011, 1:46 pm

    LW: No, he’s not gay. Yes, you are selfish. Jeez, have some fun when you’re having sex!

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  • avatar

    SGMcG July 11, 2011, 1:47 pm

    Sex is just one of many ways a couple expresses their affection with one another, and you’re denying yourself a whole dictionary in the language of sexuality by just limiting yourself to two positions. How could you NOT have given him a blowjob? There’s something so satisfying about taking his member in your hands and looking up at him as he’s looking at you, brushing your hair away from your face and then just taking it in your mouth. It’s not like you don’t like the taste and he’s asking you to swallow. If you’re worried about the technique, practice licking an ice cream cone or sucking a popsicle – that should start to give you an idea of what’s going on.

    I also think you owe it to yourself to read up on human sexuality – just to see what’s out there and what may or may not turn you on. No one is asking you to become the next dominatrix or porn star, but keep an open mind and treat it like an adventure with your fiancé. Read books! Try demonstrations on one another! Go to a sex shop! Part of being good, giving and game (GGG) is having a thirst for learning about stuff – what your partner likes, what you like, what else is out there and how they all interact. You don’t have to dabble in the full spectrum of kink if you don’t want to, but there’s nothing wrong with a few nuts in your vanilla sex.

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    • avatar

      Vegas SodaPop July 11, 2011, 2:43 pm

      oooh…savage….good advice.

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      • avatar

        SGMcG July 11, 2011, 3:55 pm

        I’ve been reading advice columns ever since the 6th grade, when I had an English teacher assigned reading various article clippings and writing compositions based on the advice given. Savage is one of my favorites. Wendy does have her charm too – very similar to Ann Landers, who I LOVED reading as a kid.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 11, 2011, 9:45 pm

        Hey now, don’t insult Wendy like that. 😉

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  • avatar

    RMM0278 July 11, 2011, 1:50 pm

    “…none of my past boyfriends ever lost their enthusiasm to have sex with me.”

    How do you know this for sure? Just because they never said so, I’m sure this could be a driving reason as to why they’re “exes” to you.

    And you know what else? As a feminist, I’m disgusted by your letter. You epitomize everything we’ve fought against — only being valued for having a pretty face and nothing else. I can’t believe in this day and age, there’s yet another woman out there who thinks all she has to be is pretty to get by in life.

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    • avatar

      va-in-ny July 11, 2011, 3:08 pm

      Maybe they’re ‘past boyfriends’ for a reason…

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    • avatar

      convexed July 11, 2011, 7:46 pm

      Yeah, I was a little bothered by the passivity. This isn’t the old days when we are supposed to ‘Lie back and think of England’. In or out of the bedroom, women work hard to get what they want, and they feel good about it. If the LW takes an active role in her own sex life, it can only get better and better for both of them.

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      • avatar

        artsygirl July 12, 2011, 10:37 am

        I always liked Karen in Will and Grace who said “Jack you will do this like any other respectable woman, lay on your back, point your heels to Jesus and think of handbags!”

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  • avatar

    Tristy July 11, 2011, 1:51 pm

    OMG, this letter annoyed me. The guy gave you 2 GOOD reasons why he lost interest in sex, but you seem to think your good looks should be enough of an aphrodisiac for him. If you want to marry this guy, I’d suggest that you stop being lazy in the bedroom or there won’t be a wedding.

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    • avatar

      SpyGlassez July 12, 2011, 12:00 am

      Or there may be a wedding, but there sure as hell won’t be a marriage for long.

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  • JK

    Jessika July 11, 2011, 1:51 pm

    THis letter totally reminded me of a 2 and a half men episode (don’t particularly like the show, but my tv is usually on that channel), where Alan “steals” a gorgeous french girl off Charlie, only to find out that she just lies there in bed. I’m surprised the LW’s fiance hasn’t dumped her long ago!!!

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  • avatar

    PFG-SCR July 11, 2011, 1:58 pm

    While I completely agree with Wendy and the other commenters that she should be a much more active and enthusiastic sex partner, it’s not the only issue with her and her fiancé. They’ve been long distance for their entire relationship, and have spent about 50 nights together (since she said they see one another two weekends a month). That’s not that much time, really, and the novelty of having sex with her should still be enough if everything else in the relationship was going well.

    He’s told her that the stress of being unemployed is a factor, and I’m sure it’s taken a toll on his self-esteem. He may very well be depressed. She needs to be sensitive to all of this. But, I wonder if her laziness and selfishness in the bedroom is present in other aspects of their relationship. If so, he might just not be feeling it for her as much anymore because he’s got his own set of issues to deal with now, and the emotional drain of catering to her is too much on top of everything else.

    I think the LW needs a bit of an attitude adjustment about herself and her role in a relationship (in and out of the bedroom).

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    • avatar

      ReginaRey July 11, 2011, 2:43 pm

      Yes, I was going to comment on this if no one else had. Marrying someone after only a year of knowing them worries me…marrying someone after a year of a LONG DISTANCE relationship is a bad, bad idea. Long distance is extremely hard for well-seasoned, long-term couples…getting to know someone well enough to marry them from the beginning in a LDR is practically impossible. I think they absolutely rushed into an engagement, and the lack of sexual interest is probably a sign of something deeper (not JUST her lack of effort, which is true as well). My guess – he’s realized what he signed up for and is freaking out…I would be too if I were him.

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  • avatar

    melikeycheesecake July 11, 2011, 2:02 pm

    Wow. This poor guy! Do you really expect him to be the only one putting forth an effort? Stop only thinking about yourself. I for one, am so glad he decided to stop having sex with you. He flat out told you what he wanted/needed and you still have to ask “What’s the problem? Is he gay or can this be fixed?” Really?!!!!!

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  • avatar

    BoomChakaLaka July 11, 2011, 2:04 pm

    Someone said above that relationships are about compromising and I think you need to start doing that. Seriously, even a small step in that arena will probably bring the spice back because your fiance will definiately not be expecting that from you.

    I want you, LW, to take this chance to look at other aspects of the relationship. If you are only limiting your sexual relationship to those two positions, are there other areas possibly where you might be a bit close-minded as well? Time to broaden your horizons!!!!

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  • avatar

    LennyBee July 11, 2011, 2:06 pm

    I’m surprised this LW thinks that all you need to do to turn a man on and keep him sexually interested is be pretty. Imagine a world where that were really the case, where being pretty was a necessary and sufficient condition for arousal. First, no man would be able to work with a pretty woman nearby distracting him with sexual thoughts. And second, as soon as women got their first gray hair and wrinkle, the sex would be over.

    Seriously, LW, learn to move a bit in bed. And if not moving is really your thing, might I suggest at least letting him tie you up so there’s a reason you’re not moving.

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  • avatar

    honeybeenicki July 11, 2011, 2:10 pm

    Well Wendy, you’re in luck – sex questions are my thing. On the side, I actually work for one of the adult companies that sells toys, games, lubricants, etc (home parties and a website) and I’ve been trained to answer questions about sexual health as well as different ways to enjoy yourself and help your partner enjoy themselves.

    Your fiance told you exactly what he wants – he wants things to be more exciting and he wants you to put forth some effort. He got tired of being the only one who tried. So do it! Get creative, have fun with it and stop being lazy. I may be lazy on occasion in other areas (ok, sometimes I just don’t want to vacuum… sometimes I’m on Dear Wendy instead of working diligently), but in bed is not a place to be lazy. There are SO MANY ways that you can spice things up. Here are a few ideas:
    1. TOYS. There are so many different things available. SO MANY.
    2. Different lubricants, edible stuff, etc
    3. Games
    4. Role play
    5. Bondage
    6. Have a frank and open discussion – find out what his fantasy is and fulfill it.
    7. Dirty movies
    8. Books – there are so many cool books with all kinds of awesome stuff in them (including different positions and techniques). Dr. Sadie Alison writes some awesome books including Tickle His Pickle, Ride ’em Cowgirl, and Tickle Your Fancy.
    9. Mutual masturbation
    10. So many other things that I can’t even think of right now

    In addition to that, he may want to address his issues with his unemployment also. It is possible he is feeling depressed; however, because he was able to come straight out and tell you why his sex drive is depleted, I’m not inclined to believe that is the main issue (often if it is due to depression, they are unable to really put their finger on why its a problem – just that they “don’t feel like it”)

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  • avatar

    Elle July 11, 2011, 2:12 pm

    I had an aversion to giving bjs too. How I got over it: LW, you love your boyfriend, which means you love his entire body. You kiss his lips, his chest, and I don’t know what else, you can kiss his penis too, that’s part of his body. You don’t have to give him a bj right away, you can start slow, and in time, you’ll start to enjoy it because it makes you bf very happy. The same reasoning applies to him going down on you. If you don’t know how to do it, ask your bf for instructions, he can tell you how he likes it, or watch some porn.

    Your letter states that you only enjoy two positions. If you haven’t even tried other positions, I wonder what your hang up is. His thingy is in yours, what does it matter.what angles are your bodies at? And if you tried them but didn’t enjoy them, well, if your bf likes them, give him that treat every once I’m a while. You seem to be all about taking, and not very giving. Give something, and you’ll receive back a lot more than you’ve bargained for (in the good sense, of course).

    It may very well be that your bf is under a lot of stress, and doesn’t feel like initiating sex. It’s your turn to pick up the slack. For better or worse, right? You can practice that now! You need to flip that switch in your head that makes you a bit frigid in bed, or you will get a divorce because he cheated on you. Good luck!

    Another thing: do you, LW, have sex with your bf because he wants it and you’re a good gf, or because you enjoy.having sex with him? If it’s the former, don’t get married.

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    SpaceySteph July 11, 2011, 2:13 pm

    Wow this letter makes a few shocking logical leaps.
    He doesn’t want to have sex with you so that means he’s gay.
    He thinks you are attractive therefore he must want to have sex with you all the time.
    All other boyfriends kept pounding away on you, so there must be something wrong with him.

    Sweetheart, you have a wonderful fiance who told you bluntly to your face without drama exactly why he doesn’t want to have sex with you and what you both can do to make him interested. That is a rare and fantastic quality in a person who you might spend your life with.
    Rather than be grateful and get on your knees right then to rock his world, you ignored his request, spent an entire paragraph telling us how pretty you are, and then decided he must be gay.
    I admit to being extremely vanilla in bed, missionary is really all I want. But if my boyfriend tells me what he wants, I will google it, buy a book on it, watch some YouPorn to learn how its done… whatever I have to, to do it right. Unless you are secretly the queen of a small country, you don’t get to just lie there while your lover kills himself night after night to please you. (If you are then I’m very sorry, Your Magesty.) Sometimes you have to do the work.
    I suggest that when you see your fiance next, you tie him to the bed, suck him, fuck him, do whatever it takes to get him off, without him having to lift a finger. If you can’t or won’t, then I think you need to call off your engagement, and turn your poor fiance loose to go find a girl who will bend over backwards for him (literally, if required).

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      PFG-SCR July 11, 2011, 2:40 pm

      Awesome comment – if I wouldn’t have seen the username, I would have thought it was written by Sarah!!

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        PFG-SCR July 11, 2011, 2:51 pm

        No disrespect to your usual commenting style, but she’s typically the one who comes out with guns blazing in her comments here.

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        SpaceySteph July 11, 2011, 3:07 pm

        Hah, this girl aggravated me more than the average letter. Also I like Sarah’s advice, so I’ll take it as a compliment.

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        SpaceySteph July 11, 2011, 3:08 pm

        Also I just realized I spelled Majesty wrong. Fail.

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    ele4phant July 11, 2011, 2:16 pm

    LW, aren’t YOU bored with your sex life too? It sure sounds dull. Spice it up, if nothing for your own enjoyment.

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    sarita_f July 11, 2011, 2:36 pm

    I dunno. I’d pay to be in the room when you get that girl around a Dan Savage podcast. A few of those, and a simple beej will seem like child’s play.

    Also, the LW clearly heard the boy when he told her EXACTLY WHAT WAS WRONG. I mean, she repeated it to us.

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    Kare July 11, 2011, 2:39 pm

    Missionary is my least favorite position…I’m always surprised when people say that’s their standard. To each their own.

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      zombeyonce July 11, 2011, 6:35 pm

      Missionary can be super hot, but maybe I just think that because I’m an ass-grabber, and my fiance’s got an amazing hiney.

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        MissDre July 11, 2011, 7:10 pm

        Me too, and I love it that I can kiss my man and grab his butt at the same time. Missionary is great! But so is doggy style 🙂

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        Kare July 12, 2011, 12:33 am

        Missionary is usually painful for me…I wonder why? But fortunately my boyfriend isn’t into missionary either. I just can’t imagine not at least trying all the basic positions a few times.

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  • bagge72

    bagge72 July 11, 2011, 2:40 pm

    It’s not going to be good for the LW when all of the pent up frustration her fiance has finally comes out. She needs to start initiating things now, and working hard in bed, or he is going to leave her. I hope for both of them it happens before they get married so they don’t have to go through a painful divorce a couple of months after they get hitched. I can’t believe he has lasted this long in the relationship with the way things are going.

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    Akmilly July 11, 2011, 2:44 pm

    I thought this letter may have been a joke initially. Wendy is 100% correct. Sheesh.

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    JennyTalia July 11, 2011, 2:45 pm

    This is a no-brainer. Pun intended. Heh.

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      MissDre July 11, 2011, 2:49 pm

      Ha! She needs to learn to “give good brain like she graduated from a school school…”

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        MissDre July 11, 2011, 2:49 pm

        Aww crap. I meant good school.

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        Eljay July 11, 2011, 3:18 pm

        …but it’s so much funnier as it’s written! 🙂

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    Laurel July 11, 2011, 1:48 pm

    Have you tried positions other than spooning and missionary? I hope this won’t get me kicked off DW, but here are some resources: and . These are both good for inspiration.

    I’m wondering if you’re truly physically attracted to your fiance, or if you ever learned how to enjoy sex. You’re upset he isn’t initiating sex. Why don’t you initiate it? Don’t you get that worked up, need to fuck feeling? Does that not make you want to rip his clothes off and hop on top? Do you masturbate? Is sex satisfying for you when you do have it?

    Answering those questions should give you a good start. Great sex requires give and take. It also requires knowing your and your partner’s bodies, mental turn-ons, creativity, and ENTHUSIASM.

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    MiMi July 11, 2011, 2:48 pm

    Having your fiance put all the blame on you for the lack sex instead of having a loving, mature conversation (or seven) with you about it causes me to worry about the future of your relationship, LW.
    Maybe for the first 8 months or so, ravishing your bod twice a month was a self-sustaining pleasure for him, but if in the ensuing 4 months he discovered some dissatisfaction with your lack of skills and began building up resentment to the point where he doesn’t even want to do you anymore, this shows a startling lack of good communication between you.
    I’m assuming here that you never pretended to be an active sex-pot, that you’ve always been what I call a pillow queen – a woman who is content to just flop back and be enjoyed without making any effort to give – so he can’t accuse you of false advertising.
    If he was unhappy, it was his responsibility to bring it to your attention and, if you are open to the idea of becoming a good sex partner, encouraging you and maybe getting some books, some instructional videos, whatever, to find a mutually acceptable common ground.
    Your relationship can’t possibly be good and strong with such a basic inability to communicate with each other on important topics, or with the fundamental difference of perspective and participation that currently exists in your sex life. I think you’re in trouble.

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      MissDre July 11, 2011, 2:50 pm

      He did bring it to her attention. And, she didn’t do anything about it.

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      SpaceySteph July 11, 2011, 3:11 pm

      Wow, Miss Dre and I read a completely different letter than you did. He gave two reasons, one about his current economic situation and one about her being a lazy bitch in bed. He didn’t lay all the blame on her and did in fact communicate openly about being bored and wanting to spice it up. I can’t imagine what more communication a girl could want in a relationship…

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        silver_dragon_girl July 11, 2011, 3:28 pm

        Yeah, every time I read this letter the LW sounds more and more selfish. She’s like those people who get straight A’s without really trying and then the first time they get a D on something exclaim that “the teacher hates me and wants me to fail!” even though they’re still not studying…

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        MiMi July 11, 2011, 7:47 pm

        To me, withholding sex is punitive and a manifestation of the assignment of blame. I also think the onus of communication falls on the person with the problem and in my book, reminding your fiancee that you are unemployed and suggesting that she buy some lingerie doesn’t cut it when what you’re trying to say is: “I’m angry, I’m disappointed, I’m worried, I’m disengaged, etc. from you so badly that I don’t even want to touch you right now.”
        His anger seems pretty obvious to me, but it certainly has not communicated itself to the LW.

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        MissDre July 11, 2011, 8:28 pm

        It doesn’t really sound like he’s angry… it just sounds like he’s not really into her anymore. He’s lost his libido and he told her why. He told her, “I want you to spice things up” and she didn’t.

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        ForeverYoung July 11, 2011, 8:28 pm

        He’s not withholding sex…he’s just sick of initiating. She didn’t say that she has tried to have sex with him and he has refused, just that he quit initiating so they don’t bone anymore…

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        MissDre July 11, 2011, 8:30 pm

        Exactly!

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        Caris July 15, 2011, 1:39 am

        He is not withholding sex. If she wants to have sex so bad with him she could try initiating it for once. Specially after he told her that her never initiating it is a problem.
        Also, the LW sounds like a spoiled brat in the letter, even more after you read her last sentence.

        I have to say I’m confused here… it’s really fun to initiate sex and get your SO all “hot and bothered” or horny, like I prefer to say it, so I don’t get why the LW refuses to even try

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    • bagge72

      bagge72 July 11, 2011, 3:23 pm

      Geez, even with only getting her version of what is going on here, I don’t know how you come off blaming the BF in this. He let her know why he wasn’t happy, and gave some suggestions on how they could help with the problems they are having. She admits that she is lazy in bed, doesn’t like to try anything, doesn’t initiate sex, and because her other BF’s didn’t complain she shouldn’t have to change, and she also thinks that he might be gay, because of this. How in the world is this a communication problem from his side. Heck I would even say she is communicating with him too, but she just doesn’t lover her BF enough to compromise. If I was her I would be embarrassed to admit all of these things, and then go on to suggest that her boyfriend needs to be “fixed” or is “gay”. If anything she is the one that needs to be “fixed”. I hope the BF reads this letter, and gets to break of the engagement before it is to late.

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      ele4phant July 11, 2011, 5:15 pm

      So in a sense I agree with both Mimi but also the commenters disagreeing with her. First off, I agree with Miss Dre in that yes, the BF DID communicate that he wasn’t getting enough effort from the LW, and that she is shouldering a lot of the blame here.

      However, I also agree with Mimi in that just saying, “You don’t put in enough effort” isn’t enough, there needs to be a pretty explicit conversation. Its sounds like this LW doesn’t really know what to do in bed. While its her fault for not making an effort, at the same time, how should she know better? This is the first time anybody’s called her on it. For example, have you ever been with a guy who’s terrible at going downtown but no girl has told him before? He needs a lot of help getting up to speed. I suspect its similar for her. To me it sounds like he’s going to have to sit her down and be very thorough with her, telling her, in detail, what works and what doesn’t. She sounds pretty damn clueless, so there should be a mature discussion and further guidance about likes/dislikes.

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    spaceboy761 July 11, 2011, 2:59 pm

    I would still bet against this letter being real, but…

    It’s not the fact that you’re awful in bed and guys like things that make our peens feel happy. It’s the fact that you’re awful in bed and don’t care about him enough to at least TRY to improve. The lack of consideration is worse than the failure to execute.

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      Slamy July 11, 2011, 5:16 pm

      Amen! These types of skills can (and should) be learned.

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    kdog July 11, 2011, 2:59 pm

    Good god. How on earth can you be in an LDR and NOT be a vixen when you finally get to see your bf? Can y’all imagine how awful it would be if they were in the same city??

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    Calliopedork July 11, 2011, 3:14 pm

    Fake!

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    haggith July 11, 2011, 3:14 pm

    why ask wendy if he told you he didn’t a blowdoll as fiancee? and stop saying he’s gay because he’s not interested in sex… he’s not interested in sex WITH YOU. don’t even do it for him because you may or may not end up marrying him… do yourself a favor and learn how to give pleasure

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    va-in-ny July 11, 2011, 3:16 pm

    All I got from this is “Why doesn’t my boyfriend feel attracted to me just by looking at me anymore? I know I’m beautiful, so he must be gay.”

    I feel like comments like “That guy at the ticket counter didn’t tell me I’m flawless. He must be legally blind,” also come from this woman.

    In my opinion, this is not a healthy, thriving, sexual relationship. One that is has open communication, give and take from both sides, and mutual satisfaction.

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    Sarah July 11, 2011, 3:33 pm

    Yeah, either this letter is fake or the LW is the worst girlfriend ever.

    Hey LW, did you ever turn a douchebag down for a date and then have him tell all of his friends that that you’re probably a lesbian? Yeah, you’re that douchebag. Only you did it to your fiance. Yikes.

    Do you know why men compliment your physique? It’s because they find you attractive. Do you know what the point of being attractive is? To make sex better. I get the feeling there has been a disconnect about that last bit. you’re lazy, unwilling to please your spouse, and are so self obsessed that you’re clinging to every compliment you receive in order to prove your worth and blame your boyfriend because he doesn’t like having sex to a lifeless real doll who gets all her sexual prowess from bad lifetime movies. In short, you’re bad in bed and its making your boyfriend’s penis die.

    Is there a point where you can realize that you might have to offer something more than being hot to satisfy a man? Or will it take you aging, losing your looks and having the superficial man you’ve chosen (to match his superficial woman) cheat on you with someone hotter because that’s all you offered anyway?

    I’m not going to tell you to try to please him though. I imagine the option of dumping him and gossiping to all of your girlfriends that he probably liked dick is much more preferable than discovering that you might not be *gasp* every man’s ideal. That way you can continue boning guys that couldn’t care less how boring you are in bed because they can pretend to their friends later that you were good and you can laugh at the less attractive girl that your ex dates after you. And you know, try not to think about all the great sex he’s having with her.

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      SpaceySteph July 11, 2011, 3:44 pm

      LOVE IT! Have nothing else to say, really.

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    • caitie_didnt

      caitie_didn't July 11, 2011, 4:40 pm

      HAHA. best response.

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      robottapocalypse July 11, 2011, 6:18 pm

      Knocked it out of the park! Well done!

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    • katie

      katie July 11, 2011, 9:44 pm

      can we please make an official list of all the things women do that can make a penis die? please???

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    karmarat July 11, 2011, 3:49 pm

    I was once in a relationship with a man who “didn’t do oral”. It became a very large issue for me, not least because he was actively implying that vaginas were off-putting. If you like it enough to have genital contact with it, then you need to be mature enough to express that in other ways too.
    Human sexuality comes in many flavors, and if all you want is straight forward two position only genital contact sex, then you need to find a partner who has the same desires. Otherwise, any partner you have is going to become bored with your sex life, and by extension, you. No matter how lovely you are, this is the real world. If he wanted a beautiful image only, he’d be masturbating to a Victoria’s Secret catalog.

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    • avatar

      A July 12, 2011, 4:29 am

      A “No oral” policy is a “No relationship” policy for me

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  • avatar

    ReginaRey July 11, 2011, 2:52 pm

    PFG-SCR said it above, and I feel the need to reiterate it. I don’t think this is solely about her lack of effort and selfishness in bed, though that’s clearly a huge contributing factor.

    In my opinion, you should NEVER marry someone who you’ve only known in a long-distance relationship. LDRs are difficult, and they tend to warp our perception of the relationship. Most of the time you’re pining away for your S.O., fantasizing about your next reunion, and being blissfully happy and romantic when you’re finally reunited. There isn’t much room for the nitty-gritty – seeing someone on a daily basis, learning their quirks, their habits, what makes them tick. You know, the things you need to know extremely well in order to MARRY someone.

    I also think that a year is probably the minimum required for someone to know another person before agreeing to marry them. There are just a certain number of things you should see or experience in another person, all of which are not likely to happen in a year – how they react to career changes, family problems, what they feel about children, how they treat you when you go through tough times, how supportive they are, etc…it’s hard to experience enough in a year to really KNOW someone.

    I think this guy rushed into a proposal during the Honeymoon phase of the relationship and has probably realized his mistake. He’s probably starting to get to know the REAL her, and is panicking about marrying her. Lack of sexual interest is usually a huge red flag that something deeper is wrong in the relationship, and him not wanting to marry her after getting to know her better would certainly fit the bill.

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      SpaceySteph July 11, 2011, 3:14 pm

      Agree. I was in an LDR for 2 years and I think of it more as like a 3 month long relationship. If you bundle up all the time we were together throughout the LDR, its about that long. Add the 3 months we dated before I moved away and you get a 6 month relationship. It just took us 2 years to realize we weren’t compatible, the way most people learn in the first 6-12 months whether they can be together forever.

      LDRs also intensify feelings… you think because you are separated and have to cling to each other and these future plans to sustain the relationship that you have forged this incredible bond no mere mortals can manage. Sometimes thats true, but more often you are making a mountain out of a molehill, and a star crossed romance out of a crappy fling.

      Don’t marry him until you live in the same place for awhile and really get to know each other.

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        ReginaRey July 11, 2011, 3:22 pm

        “a star crossed romance out of a crappy fling”…YES. There is nothing like an LDR to make you thing that you are DESTINED for someone, and that NOTHING can keep you apart. And far too many people mistake that desperate longing for real love.

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      Sonia July 11, 2011, 3:29 pm

      Regina, this piece of advice could not come at a better time for me. I’m in an LDR that is hitting the 4 year mark this fall. The funny thing is the pressure I get from everyone else that tells me we should be married before I move, and no one seems to get that we NEED that daily interaction. Granted, I move with the strong belief it will all lead to marriage, etc. But I’ve resorted to joking that if it doesn’t work out, at least i don’t have to do any paperwork 😉 But while I’ve had my moments of crazy to also get the ring (so sorry Scott) I inherently know how dangerous that illusion of distance can cause….and I’ve been in this much longer than LW

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        SpaceySteph July 11, 2011, 3:48 pm

        That sounds like a great plan. Its hard for people to understand you being willing to uproot your life and move without a guarantee of marriage; but they need to understand that even getting engaged or married before you move is no guarantee that it’ll work out. You could marry then move and end up young and divorced, instead of just single in a new city. I think you are absolutely making the right choice and applaud you both for being so smart about it! (in case you need some additional internet validation)

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        ReginaRey July 11, 2011, 4:00 pm

        You’re being very smart about it! Kudos to you. You are absolutely right to make sure it’s going to work out after you start seeing him every day BEFORE you marry him. The pressure’s that external individuals put on us to get married for the sake of appearences are ridiculous.

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        kali July 12, 2011, 3:10 pm

        Been there, done that. You need to figure out your day to day relationship once you’re in the same place. It can be a bigger adjustment than you may think. In my case, it worked out well, but I wouldn’t have married and then moved. That puts even more pressure on an already potentially difficult situation.

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        VioletLover July 12, 2011, 3:08 pm

        You two are definitely being smart about it to live closer to one another before getting engaged, even though you’ve been dating 4 years. There are just some things that you can’t know about a relationship until you see one another almost every day.

        My boyfriend and I were dating for almost two years before he moved to be closer to me, and we’re at 3.5 years now and even closer than before. Getting married before living closer/with each other would have bee a disaster. Now we’ve had the time to get to know one another’s quirks* and to adjust to them. We’re planning on getting engaged within the year (but I refuse to get married before I have my associates, so marriage is a few years off).

        *For instance, he has the most horrible memory about keys/phones/wallets and his idea of ‘cleaning the kitchen’ is to dump everything into the sink and call it a day. I, on the flip side, tend to scream if someone knocks on the door because I get startled easily, and I also fall asleep in the shower (which means I use all the hot water). We’ve adjusted by getting him a large ceramic bowl and designating it “Lost Items” and as soon as he steps inside, that’s where he puts all the stuff in his pockets. I also showed him what ‘clean’ ACTUALLY means and how to do it. For me, he’ll send me a text when he gets home to let me know he’ll be coming inside (this way I’m not caught off guard) and he also sets a 40 minute timer on his phone and when it goes off, he comes and wakes me up from the shower (which means there’s hot water left for him, too).

        But we wouldn’t have known these things if we were still LDR, and getting married without learning about this stuff jsut seems like an awful idea.

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    moonflowers July 11, 2011, 2:58 pm

    This great post from the Good Men Project makes a typically underappreciated point – guys want to be wanted too! ).

    Being unemployed is already a huge hit to a man’s self-esteem; he’s probably already questioning why anyone, much less a pretty girl, would ever want to stay with him. The laziness in bed is aggravating all of that, because from his perspective it looks like you don’t want him badly enough to put effort (outside of looking good) into your seduction of him. And if he’s feeling rejected and unwanted, of course he won’t initiate sex anymore.

    The solution is to show him you want him – by telling him he’s hot and sexy, hauling him into the bedroom by his tie, giving him a BJ or handjob with your full concentration on his enjoyment and his body. Nothing’s hotter than someone you want who desperately wants you, so this should fix it in no time.

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      spaceboy761 July 11, 2011, 3:02 pm

      “The solution is to show him you want him – by telling him he’s hot and sexy, hauling him into the bedroom by his tie, giving him a BJ or handjob with your full concentration on his enjoyment and his body. Nothing’s hotter than someone you want who desperately wants you, so this should fix it in no time.”

      Odds of this ending with a moderately injured penis on DearWendyBook.com: 4:5

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        spaceboy761 July 11, 2011, 3:03 pm

        Also, if he’s unemployed he wouldn’t be wearing a tie.

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        SpaceySteph July 11, 2011, 3:45 pm

        Maybe she should dress him in just a tie. For kinks.

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        spaceboy761 July 11, 2011, 3:56 pm

        “Oh yeah… you wearing that tie gets me so hot. It’s like I’m dating a successful man with a plausible reason to wake up in the morning that isn’t XBOX. Whisper your five-year plan in my ear, baby, you get me so wet…”

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        TheOtherMe July 11, 2011, 6:15 pm

        LOL I love the “full suit on with just the zipper down” !

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        moonflowers July 11, 2011, 10:54 pm

        I’m assuming he’s interviewing or something. Work with me here! 🙂

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        moonflowers July 12, 2011, 12:17 am

        *sigh* This’ll teach me to proofread for cohesion and unintended meanings next time, even if it’s a bitch to do that on my iPhone.

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    spaceboy761 July 11, 2011, 4:01 pm

    Putting myself in the BF’s shoes for a second…

    I don’t think this would drive me to cheat on my hot girlfriend, but I would certainly take my porn collection a lot more seriously.

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      Britannia July 11, 2011, 6:34 pm

      That’s what a good man would do. A good man could also get fed up with this girl’s vain self-righteousness and leave her. But cheating is never excusable.

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    spaceboy761 July 11, 2011, 4:10 pm

    Other stuff the LW can try:

    BJ, HJ, TF, EF, TWJ, FF, BOKJ, UJ, PTJ, FF, AF, the other HJ, BBF

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      Sarah July 11, 2011, 4:33 pm

      When I read “UJ” for a second I thought it stood for “Uterus Jamming” and my insides tightened like a boa constrictor.

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      Lexington July 11, 2011, 5:44 pm

      WHAT ARE ALL OF THESE o.0

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        TheOtherMe July 11, 2011, 6:18 pm

        …”and my insides tightened like a boa constrictor.”

        Usually, that’s a gooooooood thing 😉

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        Elle July 11, 2011, 10:39 pm

        I don’t know what they mean either, but I noticed that FF is I’m there twice, so it must be pretty important 🙂

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        Kare July 12, 2011, 12:43 am

        I have no idea what most of these stand for so I’m just going with the first things I think of that are sexual acts….which for FF included the word “fist”.

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      artsygirl July 12, 2011, 10:53 am

      ZJ – if you have to ask you can’t afford it

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        megaman3 July 13, 2011, 2:28 pm

        Beerfest reference FTW!

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    ReginaRey July 11, 2011, 3:31 pm

    On another note – I really would like to know how old this LW is. Her lack of sexual experience, refusal to try new things, and completely immature and selfish views lead me to believe that she is very young. And forgive me, but most very young people shouldn’t be getting married (especially to someone they’ve known less than a year…in a long-distance relationship) specifically because of how immature, inexperienced, and dense they can be.

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      VioletLover July 12, 2011, 3:19 pm

      Speaking as someone who was in a LDR at a young age…I totally agree. 😀 If my boyfriend and I had gotten married when we were still LDR, it would have been a disaster. As it is, he’s moved to be closer, we just hit the 3.5 mark, and we’re closer than ever, but still not married because I honestly believe that we’re too young. I care enough about him and our relationship to want it to last, and that means putting in the effort and waiting till we both feel that we’re mature enough to handle it. Anything else would be a disservice to our love (as awful and sappy as that sounds, I swear I’m not a teenager.).

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    lexie.b July 11, 2011, 4:34 pm

    First of all, you sound incredibly self-centered and selfish, but I’m sure I’m not the only one who has pointed this out to you in this post. Moving on.

    It’s upsetting you that he isn’t initiating?? Did it ever occur to you that maybe it’s upsetting him that you aren’t initiating or maybe that your laziness is being mistaken for a lack of enthusiasm??

    If you think someone doesn’t enjoy having sex with you, would you continue?

    Nope, didn’t think so.

    If you wanna fix this, find some sexy lingerie, watch some porn for notes, take a couple shots of booze to get you in the mood and jump his bones the second he walks in the door. Do it in the hallway in positions you may not like or have not even tried, trust me, he will be happy, and hell, you may even discover positions you like and there’s a pretty good chance this will help recover his lost sex drive. Good luck!

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    LTC039 July 11, 2011, 3:43 pm

    Girl! Watch some porn & TAKE NOTES!
    Get off your pedestal, just because you’re pretty, doesn’t mean that’s all that’ll turn your man on, especially after a year. If your fiance is having troubles & you care about him, you’ll go down on him!!
    Suck it up! No pun intended…

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    AKchic July 11, 2011, 4:59 pm

    Sweetie – if he goes down on you, you need to go down on him. Plain and simple. You DO need to spice things up once in a while. There is nothing wrong with it, and yes, sometimes it can be uncomfortable physically, but it can also be pleasurable in ways you’ve never known until you TRY IT.

    Give the poor man a blow job! It’s not that difficult to do. Don’t suck like a Hoover vacuum cleaner or your jaw will hurt quickly. A light suction will do. Press your tongue to the bottom side of the shaft as you go “down” and slightly glide your teeth against the shaft as you come back “up”. The teeth should glide just enough to give him pleasurable goose bumps, not rake the skin or remove it. Just a friendly trick of the “trade” for you.
    Let him lay back while you ride him. Yes, there will be deeper penetration for you, and it may be uncomfortable, but it will feel more intense too. I suggest leaning back and resting your hands on your ankles while you ride for a while (try slow, sensual belly dancing hip gyrations to help “move” things along), then slowly move forward so your faces are touching during your orgasm (or his, depending on who ends up peaking first).
    You can even reverse position on top or go “doggy” so there’s not as much penetration.

    Try syrups, whipped cream, etc. Experiment a bit.

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      Maynard July 11, 2011, 6:42 pm

      This is first time I’ve ever heard someone actualy suggest using their teeth during a beej. Sounds like a horrible idea.

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        Kare July 12, 2011, 12:46 am

        So while we’re throwing out BJ tips…any recommendations on deep throating? I mean if you can’t ask random strangers on the internet these things, who can you ask?

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        Fairhaired Child July 12, 2011, 1:03 am

        I don’t like giving BJs all that much but I’ll do it because I want to make my man happy. I went to a Slumber Party (its a sex toy party like tupperware parties), where they had this minty throat lube. Its tingly and a little numbing, but tastes good and keeps your mouth “minty fresh” so even after you’re done going down on him and if you kiss him, you still taste like mint when he kisses you. I don’t remember what its called but you put some on the back of your tongue and then swallow so that it goes down your throat.

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        Britannia July 12, 2011, 2:34 am

        Try edible lubes – the flavored kind. They’re usually very sugary, but they help convince your muscles that you’re eating, not … doing something else. I have always really loved Frederick of Hollywood’s ‘Green Apple’ edible lube, but I’m not sure if they provide that anymore.

        The best tips I can give when you’re trying to work with something too large and you’re still a newbie to having something going past your tonsils is to get it in there and then use your tongue to stroke it, instead of going up and down. Your throat will start to get used to the idea of something being in there, and then you can start working on incorporating more movement. Actively keep your throat muscles relaxed, just like you do when you’re trying to stop coughing or choking. If you don’t know how to do that, practice tensing and then releasing those muscles so that you get a base knowledge of what muscular contraction and release feels like for those particular muscles. Then, you can start to apply that knowledge when doing the deed.

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        AKchic July 12, 2011, 5:48 pm

        *laugh*

        Gotta relax them throat muscles!

        Now, most guys aren’t super big (or long), so it’s not like deep-throating them is going to really tickle our collar bones like in a porno.

        Most guys aren’t even caring about the deep throat action, the suction to the tip, where all the nerve-endings are, is what they care about most – especially if you are working the shaft with your hand, or, using your fingers on the balls, or right behind the balls.
        For those who don’t know, there is a spot right behind the ball sack, that if you lightly finger it during a blow job – it’s just like working a woman’s g-spot during penetration. Especially if during the actual suction of the blowjob you are lightly flicking the bottom portion of the underside of the “tip” of his penis.

        Yeesh… who knew my life experiences would lead to this…

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        Jess July 12, 2011, 4:35 am

        i’ve actually had a boyf request it! subtlety is key

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    AnitaBath July 11, 2011, 5:55 pm

    I initially skipped over this letter because I thought it was just the stereotypical “Why isn’t our sex life as awesome as it once was?” question. But holy fuck! I’m seriously hoping this is fake.

    LW, are you also one of those women who expects the man to pay for all dates at all times solely because you’re a girl? Is giving him access to your vagina all the effort needed on your part?

    Seriously, WTF, this letter was so self absorbed. I don’t even know what to say.

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      SpyGlassez July 12, 2011, 12:11 am

      Yeah…there’s always going to be plenty of pussy younger and hotter than yours, LW. If you don’t give your BF a reason to go looking for it, in real life or in porn, then that is exactly what he will do.

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    AnitaBath July 11, 2011, 6:21 pm

    After some contemplation, I realized what pissed me off the most about this letter. Implying that your boyfriend might be gay or that there’s something seriously wrong with him because he doesn’t want to have sex with you when you’re goooooorgeous is one thing, but this LW shows a complete disregard for her boyfriend’s feelings. He puts forth a ton of effort to please her, is depressed, stressed out, and on unemployment, and she thinks that letting him pleasure her should be good enough. Nah, not even good enough, but AWESOME, because everyone just can’t stop telling her how pretty she is. He’s the one that’s messed up, because he’s the one who gets to look down into her beautiful, expressionless face while he’s pleasuring her and that’s not enough for him!?

    So she tries to fix the situation. So she asks him what’s wrong, most likely hoping for some answer like, “It’s not you, babe, it’s me,” or, “Sorry honey, I realized I’m gay.” When asked, he’s completely honest with her and tells her exactly what his problem is. Does the LW do anything about this? No! He’s obviously the delusional one. She’s in complete denial and is heaping everything onto her already stressed out boyfriend.

    If her boyfriend were a lazy douchebag in the sack too, or if the LW had some hang up about sex that would be one thing. But it seems like the LW enjoys sex, so long as she’s not the one who has to do any work. She doesn’t want it to stop, she just wants him to continue doing everything.

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    Rebecca July 11, 2011, 6:41 pm

    A hand job is a man’s job but a blow job is a woman’s job. HELLO!

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    • fast eddie

      fast eddie July 12, 2011, 8:50 am

      No matter who’s job it is there’s good, great and fantastic. A few months ago I commented about it on The Frisky and was asked by some of the women to write a description of how to do it. Being somewhat titillated by the idea and basking in the attention spotlight I wrote and essay and received faltering complements for it.

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  • fast eddie

    fast eddie July 11, 2011, 6:40 pm

    I agree with most of the comments here. The one thing I don’t is the obsession with her giving him a BJ. I’ve only had an orgasm from that twice in my life and that’s out of more then 40 women that I’ve hooked up with. I don’t mind obliging if she’s gets something out of but if not I have no problem letting it be only occasionally if for no other reason but to have a bit of variety. A good had job on the other hand will send me to heaven in a gilded carriage.

    Being restricted to missionary and spooning is denying both of them of pleasures unrealized. The book Joy of Sex offers lots of alternatives and they all should be tried at least once. There’s also a publication of cards with various positions. Simply agree before hand to abide by whatever card picked at random suggests. If either of you has anything in particular that’s out of the question make a list and respect each others veto.

    I’ve introduced anal stimulation with my finger or a small dildo to lots of women that were anal virgins and every last one of them was eager to do it again.

    Wendy and my fellow commentators were eager to put the blame on the LW. While no guy likes likes a dead fish in bed, he has part of the responsibility to initiate and stimulate variety and satisfaction. It’s a two way street.

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    emjay July 11, 2011, 8:28 pm

    I agree with most of you about this. (Except that Mimi person) and relationships r give and take. You are a self absorbed snob who needs to get over herself. But I would really really love to hear from bittergaymark on this one! Oh where is he when someone really needs a good thrashing? 😉

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    • katie

      katie July 11, 2011, 9:50 pm

      i literally just looked through all the comments secretly hoping his would be next… haha

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    RoyalEagle0408 July 11, 2011, 11:41 pm

    I hate that this site is blocked at work because most of what I want to say has already been said.

    I don’t think the timeframe would be an issue for me (if you’re ready, you’re ready), if the LW didn’t come across so immature. The fact that she is engaged to this guy terrifies me because marriage doesn’t fix problems. And honestly, maybe those ex-boyfriends never told you they were bored because they were too immature or afraid of how you’d act. And honestly, based on your letter you don’t seem as beautiful as you think. You seem self-absorbed and conceited and that’s definitely not attractive. Maybe do your fiancé and yourself a favor and end things if you don’t want to change your attitude.

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    Fairhaired Child July 12, 2011, 12:56 am

    1: I really really hope you have a long engagement planned ahead of you. Because 1 year long distance with only 2 weekends a month does not make a foundation for a happy marriage. If all your concerned about is the sex in the relationship (while it is amazingly fun and enjoyable and can be a dealbreaker for some) – I want to know what else you’ve done on those weekends. Maybe you should do more engaging things outside of the bedroom as well. But you really need to take a good long look at your relationship foundation before you decide to marry him!

    2: Back to the bedroom issue. I’m not gonna wig out on you for why you aren’t doing BJs. I personally am not a fan – but I’ve found other ways of pleasing my man. I found that 1 (if your using condoms) it is INCREDIBLY sexy to guys,if the girl opens up the condom and puts it on herself (this may take some practice). If you dont want to give a BJ maybe you can put the condom in your mouth (if you haven’t put on a condom before on a man be sure to learn which side is the right side to put on – condom lube does not taste amazing) and place it over the tip and roll it down with your mouth then use your hand the rest of the way to massage it down (watch out for those hairs!). Also you can do other tricks down there that don’t involve full BJ : start kissing him on the mouth then kiss slowly all down his body till you get to the V and kiss/suck right on their hips by the V; even just teasing and breathing over him while looking up at him with the “oh you want this” look on your face as you stare into his eyes and flicking your tongue against his majestic member can be a turn on (because they want that BJ so bad – it also helps if he’s tied up during this haha). You can also get flavored “deep throat” lube that’s like mint if you do wanna go down there that still makes your mouth feel clean.

    3. Try other positions – watch porn together! You might find something that is an INCREDIBLE turn on to you. Go buy some cheap clothes that can be sexy too (from KMart /Goodwill whatever) and hand him a pair of scissors (or if not if they have lots of buttons) and when he asks why the scissors be like “I want you to rip these clothes off me and ravage my body”.

    4. Cut him some slack about being upset about unemployment. He may be genuinely depressed or feel like he can’t be “the man” for you because he no longer has a steady income and wont be your knight in shining armor to protect you and take you out on romantic dates. What you need to do is ask him what you can do to make him feel better. (Why don’t you give HIM a teddy bear/flowers whatever with “I can’t stand to see you so low, I hope these make you smile!” ) Surprise him with something that he enjoys (doesn’t have to be sexual) – his favorite food, playing a video game with him. Shower HIM with compliments “You know I never told you.. but I love ____ about you so much”

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    MonMon July 12, 2011, 3:25 am

    All I can really say here is THANK YOU, Wendy, for not sugar coating this for the LW.

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    Jess July 12, 2011, 4:32 am

    I agree that the LWs lame sex skills probs have a lot to do with the problem, but I just wanted to point out the SSRI anti-depressants have just slaughtered the sex drives of some guys I know. LW has probably heard about that before, but just in case, I’m putting it out there!

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    Jena July 12, 2011, 9:40 am

    Oh lord, if you are even questioning whether his LACK OF INTEREST in doin it with you is because he is gay, YOU SHOULD NOT MARRY HIM.

    What is wrong with people?

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    Jennifer July 12, 2011, 12:04 pm

    Is this even real? How could anyone be that stupid/self absorbed…

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    Lynn October 1, 2011, 3:53 pm

    I just read the followup, this lady needs to talk to a shrink about her hangups from being molested and her religious hangups as well. I am admittedly lazy in bed but not all the time. My husband and I have a good sex life, it gets dull sometimes. I am overweight though was not always like that, and was lazy before I gained weight but still active enough. I am dieting now though and hope to have a bit more energy once I loose the rest of the weight (10 pounds gone so far). I am also guilty of not initiating sex…I work 2 jobs, take the kids to all their activities, cook, clean, etc. He does none of that, has a good job, well paid, banker hours (about 30 hours a week), so he could pick up some of the slack but choses not to. So I am generally super tired all the time. I also lost my sex drive the minute I got pregnant wtih my first child, still enjoy it but in the last 13 years I think I only initiated it once and that was only because it had been like 6 weeks (normally 1-2 x a week) and I was worried something was wrong (it wasn’t). I too experience pain in some positions (mainly doggie from behind), but have no gyn issues that I know of, hubby is just bigger than I can handle in some positions is all. I am not a huge fan of oral but I do it on occassion as I know he loves it. I think I do it more to him than he does to me (which I enjoy too). Sometimes I am into it, others not. But a good sex life is a lot if give and take, which should be equal and not heavily skewed to one side. We have a good balance here I think in that respect, now if he would just cook dinner more and pick up the house it would be close to perfect, LOL 🙂

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