Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“He Never Makes Time for Me”

I have been seeing, well actually, talking/texting this guy, Drew, for about six months. I met him in a club and we hit it off. In these six months I have seen him only five times! I have not seen him since Halloween. The first four months, we saw each other once a month, which I was okay with considering we were getting to know each other and he lives 2 1/2 hours away and I didn’t wanna seem crazy. Since Halloween he has bailed on me several times due to “work”….he did this before too but we just moved things around.

The last straw was bailing on New Years Eve. He had bailed the previous Friday because of work and I was soooooo pissed I told him I was done, however, he promised he’d be down for New Years and that he really likes me and misses me. Then, the day before New Years Eve I get that infamous text that he has to work. I about died.

When he bailed NYE I honestly texted him, “F*** YOU” because I’m so fed up and disappointed. He’s done it so many times, I really thought he would pull through this time. I’ve told him a million times that he may live 2 1/2 hrs away — which really isn’t that far — but that after six months we should be seeing each other every other — if not every — weekend. Four times a month is not asking for a lot.

A couple months ago I brought up the serious relationship talk and what he wants out of this and he said he really likes me and does see a future. But I kid you not, if there were 48 hours in a day, he would work them all, seven days a week. It’s strange…like, why does he keep texting me and not letting me end it if he is so busy or if there’s someone else? I’m so exhausted with giving him chances. I’m really interested in what you think. — Phoning it In

Oh, honey, MOA. This guy is not into you. He’s so not into you, he hasn’t bothered to see you in over two months despite living less than three hours away. He’s so no into you he can’t even be bothered to TELL you he isn’t into you. He just wants you to take the hint and move on already. Seriously. He keeps you around because it would take MORE energy to cut you loose than to answer a random, flirty text here and there. If he wanted to be your boyfriend, he’d start acting like a boyfriend.

Every once in a while I like to publish letters like yours in hopes that other young women in your situation will recognize themselves and see with more objective eyes how pathetic they’re being. Ladies, listen up: if someone you’re interested in wants to be with you, he’ll be with you. It’s that plain and simple. Don’t listen to what he says, watch how he acts. If he isn’t acting like a boyfriend, he doesn’t want to be one (not to you anyway), and it’s time for you to MOA. That goes for you, too, LW. Erase his number from your phone and move on.

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter.

85 comments… add one
  • avatar

    atraditionalist January 5, 2012, 7:43 am

    never ever assume you have a relationship simply because you are texting. That is ridiculous for you to assume that he should be visiting you etc. Let him ask you out on a date – if he doesn’t, then he’s not interested. And please do not drive down there to see him. Just because you are talking does not mean you are dating

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    • avatar

      jaybro January 5, 2012, 11:34 am

      Hahaha this reminds me of me in high school. “OMG we’re like IM-ing like every night so he’s like my boyfriend now, right? Like?”

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  • avatar

    Lydia January 5, 2012, 7:55 am

    Honestly, this letter almost seemed a perfect shortcut letter to me. You don’t even need three sentences, just three letters: M O A

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  • fast eddie

    fast eddie January 5, 2012, 7:59 am

    Your needs aren’t being meet and he’s obviously not into you so why are you hanging on to the expectation that he’s the one you want to fulfill them? You’ve only seen him a total of 5 times and no likely hood of ever seeing him again. I’m guessing that he’s stringing you along for reasons unknown. Block his number or change yours and MOA.

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  • FireStar

    FireStar January 5, 2012, 8:03 am

    I find women in this situation usually ask the wrong questions – it shouldn’t be why does he maintain the barest of contact with me if he isn’t interested – the question should be why am I allowing someone to waste my time by maintaining the barest of contact with me. You need to raise your standards of what is acceptable behaviour. As a rule of thumb always judge someone by their conduct and not their words. If his conduct doesn’t match his words – then that’s called lying.

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    • avatar

      spark_plug January 5, 2012, 10:57 am

      The fact that the LW probably spent tons of nights thinking about this guy for the past six months on this guy.. and the last two months without EVER seeing him is just sad!

      Although, I’ve done the same thing in my early and mid 20’s, before I got a clue and learned better. I wonder if the LW is just really young and inexperienced and just didn’t know better..

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      • Will.i.am

        Will.i.am January 5, 2012, 11:04 am

        Why does no one on here date multiple people at a time? If you aren’t sleeping with any of them, what is the problem?

        The amount of energy I would put into one person, I would spread around to three or four people. That way they get 33.3% or 25% of me. That way you can have an easier time finding out what you truly want, instead of just settling for someone who is only giving you a little of what you want, but since you aren’t talking to anyone else, you latch on to it.

        There’s truly nothing wrong with dating multiple people at a time. They don’t even have to know about each other if you go into it saying your want to be casual and see where the relationship blossums.

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      • avatar

        bethany January 5, 2012, 11:38 am

        I totally agree with you! As long as no one thinks you’re exclusive, there’s nothing wrong with casual dating. You get to meet a lot more people that way, and the chances of finding someone you really like (who also really likes you) increase greatly!

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      • Will.i.am

        Will.i.am January 5, 2012, 11:59 am

        I started doing this when I noticed that anytime I was talking to just one girl, I would scare them off because I would be more antsy to spend time with them, since they were the only girl I was interested with at the time. Now that I have a “rotation” I may go a couple of days not talking to one and it works out much better. I also have something to talk about since there has been a communication gap as well.

        I used to always get a little anxious when only talking to one girl, since I was always worried if I was saying the right things, because I didn’t want to lose her. BAD MOVE! I’ll do dinners, movies, cook for them, and do the casual dating. I’m also in no hurry to rush into anything, since nothing has gave me the feeling that I could have something with any of them. In time, things will change and I’ve always been ok if the girl felt I was moving too slow for her and she wanted something more serious. She would just fall out of rotation and sooner or later I’d meet someone else I was interested in.

        It sounds very selfish and shovenistic(sp); however, this seems to work the best for me. I am no fan of getting in a relationship I didn’t want to be in in the first place, because I rushed it. I’m a slow mover now and I like to find out as much as I can about the person while remaining casual. She always knows she has the right to date other guys as well. It is what it is.

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      • avatar

        Eagle Eye January 5, 2012, 1:23 pm

        I think this makes a lot of sense, actually, and its not chauvinistic as long as you are upfront about it – I have a (girl) friend who does this as well and its so much easier for her to meet men and figure out whether or not they actually are a good fit – no one is blinded by the attention or anything.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant January 5, 2012, 2:09 pm

        I don’t think there is inherently wrong with this…the one caveat is that I do think the kind thing to do is make it clear you are dating other people. While perhaps we shouldn’t just assume exclusivity so quickly, many people do, and if you aren’t planning on that yet you should let the other person know.

        I mean, there’s no need for a big discussion, but if you’ve gone out with someone a few times, and want to continue seeing them at least in the short term, give um a heads up. If you don’t and they find out, they’re likely to get pissed (whether justifiably or not), and you’ll get painted as the bad guy.

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      • avatar

        spark_plug January 5, 2012, 12:41 pm

        Totally.. that’s why I started dating multiple people until ended up in a relationship with one!

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    • avatar

      CG January 5, 2012, 11:27 am

      Yes!!!! This. 🙂

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      • avatar

        Marie January 5, 2012, 11:45 am

        YES!

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  • avatar

    Anna January 5, 2012, 8:04 am

    Absolutely 100% MOA! He isn’t working 24/7/365…he doesn’t want to see you. I “dated” a guy like this when I was 18 and a freshman in college. He only lived an hour away from my house but refused to ever come see me, so I stupidly kept driving out to see him. He refused to call me his girlfriend “because we lived in different counties” (not kidding). And we never went on real dates; all he wanted to do was park in the woods and fool around. One time we went to Arabica for coffee I think…in roughly 10 months. This was in 2002 well before the era of texting but basically the most contact we ever had was a few cell phone calls. I figured out eventually when he started deliberately being an asshole to me that he was trying to get me to “break up” with him.

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  • avatar

    Renee January 5, 2012, 8:22 am

    Who knows…. Does this type of behavior lead men to believe they’re being stalked due to their failure to communicate? Or should we assume do men get a boost of pride with the ambiguity, so they can brag to their friends about this ‘psycho chick’ they’re responsible in creating.

    No, I don’t think LW is a ‘psycho chick’. She just needs confirmation/closure because initially she was reasonable in seeing growth in a long distance relationship.

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    • avatar

      Visharoo January 5, 2012, 9:23 am

      Have you ever heard of Gas Lighting? It means that someone says or does something to alter your memory or emotions to make you feel like you are going crazy. I think it happens to women a lot in all types of relationships- kind of like what you are referring to when you say “psycho chick.” Guys will be shady, don’t call in a reasonable amount of time when they say they will call, or pretty much tell girls that normal things they do are “crazy.” In turn this makes girls think that normal, sane reactions to things are “crazy.”

      I agree. The LW is not psycho or crazy. She is just trying to get the confirmation she needs to finally end this mind game.

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      • avatar

        Renee January 5, 2012, 9:54 am

        Thanks… I’ve been out of the dating pool for a very long time.

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      • avatar

        Trixy Minx January 5, 2012, 12:49 pm

        Thank you for posting about the Gas Lighting! I can relate to the LW but I’ve only been talking to the guy for a few weeks and already stopped talking to him for the lack of communication but not before he acted like I was crazy for sending a hey whats up text when I hadn’t heard back from him in two days. Geez.

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      • Will.i.am

        Will.i.am January 5, 2012, 1:13 pm

        He sounds a bit on the crazy side if you ask me.

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      • avatar

        Visharoo January 5, 2012, 1:26 pm

        Here is a pretty good article about it:
        http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/a-message-to-women-from-a_1_b_958859.html

        I think it can apply to both men and women; however, I have seen it happen to more women. I think it is to the point where women will not call a guy or speak up if she suspects a dude of something in order to not seem crazy when she isn’t crazy at all. I also think the concept is so ingrained in our minds that some uncrazy things are labeled crazy even by other women just so they can appear cool or more appealing to guys. I don’t think people do this on purpose- gas lighting just runs so deep into our psyche that we just think of all this crazy/cool talk as a normal part of relationships.

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  • avatar

    ReginaRey January 5, 2012, 8:39 am

    Uggggh!!! I’m sorry, but I’m about to rant. Why do women do this? Seriously? WHY DO WE DO THIS?!?! Why do we cling to the mere whisper of a relationship, when the truth is screaming and spitting in our faces?!

    LW – Wendy’s on the money. This dude isn’t interested in you enough to have a relationship with you. He’s not into you. The only reason he continues to text you is because he enjoys the attention and the ego boost that your liking him provides. I mean, this dude isn’t even motivated enough to see you on the regular just for sex! Dudes have traveled farther than 2.5 hours over the course of 5 months for sex, I can assure you.

    You need a crash course in recognizing when a dude is into you, and when he isn’t, so that you’ll never end up in this kind of situation again. I’ll give you an example. My best friend and roommate is talking to a dude in the military, who currently lives in Kansas. He talks to her every day. He sends her videos of him playing the guitar. He Facetimes with her. He texts her for no reason. And when he was home for a week over Christmas, you better believe seeing her was one of the first things he did. They aren’t even in a real relationship yet, but this dude is putting in some big effort, from half a country away, to show he’s interested.

    That’s how it should be, LW. You should KNOW that someone is interested in you after a certain point. If you have constant doubt, or if you’re putting in all the effort, or if they make excuses and “Work all the time,” or if they don’t care to SEE YOU IN PERSON on a regular basis, then it ain’t a heading toward a relationship. And when you see that happening, MOA. Don’t stick around trying to get a dude to change his mind, or sending F*CK YOU texts to him and then continuing to stick around!!! — It makes you look pathetic, desperate, and not a little bit crazy. Have some self-respect, please!!

    /Rant over.

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    • avatar

      KL January 5, 2012, 8:57 am

      Yeah, my BF and I live about the same distance apart as LW and this guy. We see each other at least once a month most months, twice a month if we can pull it off, call every day at least once, email each other random stuff, and text like mad texty things. Distance can be dealt with, but if the other person isn’t putting in any relationship maintenance, there isn’t much of a relationship going on.

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    • avatar

      2_J January 5, 2012, 9:00 am

      I agree totally with you RR !

      Sorry had to point out though, i think you really like the word “Dude” 😛

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      • avatar

        ReginaRey January 5, 2012, 9:13 am

        Ha, yeah. I don’t like using the word “man,” because I don’t think all males qualify as that. So I tend to stick with “guy” and “dude,” but I suppose I’m more fond of the latter!

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    • avatar

      oldie January 5, 2012, 10:41 am

      I don’t think this is about not recognizing when a guy isn’t into you or wanting ‘closure’. From her letter, she 99% ‘knows’ this guy isn’t into her and has in a way told her it’s over. She doesn’t want to accept this, so she is looking for ‘magic’ to change the facts. What this is about is loneliness, bordering on desperation. She wants a relationship. She may be afraid to put herself out there in seeking one. This one is unfulfilling but sort of there and nonthreatening. She needs to accept that this almost imaginary bf has already MOA and actively search for a replacement. I realize this is expressed rather tersely/callously, but I think there is a lot of skating around the issue of ‘why do we do this?’

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      • avatar

        ReginaRey January 5, 2012, 10:53 am

        I agree. This isn’t just about not being able to realize when someone isn’t in to you, though I still believe that’s partially at play. It’s definitely recognizing and then ACCEPTING that fact. Yes, it’s clear that she desperately wants a relationship and so is willing to delude herself into thinking that this could work out. It shows little to no confidence, security, or self-respect. I’d probably advise seeing a professional about that.

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      • JK

        JK January 5, 2012, 11:28 am

        I think it has to do with not wanting to know what you know (y´know? :))

        And I for one have definitely been that girl. Even though wise mature me cringes to admit it.

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    • avatar

      Relaxicab January 5, 2012, 11:13 pm

      I once drove 14 hours in one day in the middle of winter to be with a girl. I would drive 2.5 hours for a good steak. He’s definitely not into her.

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      • avatar

        Rachel January 6, 2012, 12:39 am

        Nice name 🙂

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  • Will.i.am

    Will.i.am January 5, 2012, 9:00 am

    It could be answered as easily as he can’t afford to see you. Say 2.5 hours away is your typical 150 miles. Say he drives a vehicle that gets 20mpg and gas is $3/gallon. It will cost him $22.50 one way to come and see you. Close to $45 round trip in just gas. He comes and sees you twice a month and that is $90 in just gas. Say if he stays home and only goes places in town, his monthly gas is only $50. See how that can greatly change things? A long distance relationship is more about can you afford to see each other long distance, than I like this person and I would like to see something out of this.

    In the past I was seeing someone 80 miles North of me. I noticed pretty quickly how much money I was spending towards gas and dates. Even though I liked her and she was fun, I couldn’t afford to keep it going because I couldn’t justify the cost. I think a lot of us tend to forget that and keep pressing that he or she likes me, why won’t they come and see me?

    He was most likely leading you on as well. I wouldn’t even settle for seeing someone once a month if I lived within a 300 mile radius of each other. Sometimes it’s easier for people to make an excuse that they can’t make it, than putting forth any effort to actually see them. This guy noticed that he was able to keep you on the hook long-term and you never dissagreed with it. You saying “ef him” on NYE is exactly what you needed to say. There’s no need to feel like you made a bad choice in the matter. He’s not meeting your needs, and your needs don’t sound irrational to me, so I would MOA too!

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    • avatar

      spark_plug January 5, 2012, 11:04 am

      If he really wanted to see her, and money was an issue for him, he’d probably talk to her about taking turns visiting each other.

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    • leilani

      leilani January 5, 2012, 11:44 am

      My boyfriend lives an hour away and is pretty broke, but we still manage to spend every weekend together and meet up at least once or twice during the week. We both make it a priority, so we budget accordingly. We’ve only been official for about a month or two, but even before then, when we were just dating, we managed to see each other once or twice every week. Since the guy in question clearly has a job, I think he could most likely afford twice a month (or once, if she drove down once a month), if it was something he really wanted to do.

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    • theattack

      theattack January 5, 2012, 1:00 pm

      I can definitely agree that money is a big issue. I’m a broke college student, and still manage to see my long distance boyfriend every weekend. That’s because it’s about priorities. I’ll even Ramen noodles for one meal a day and pb&js for the other if that’s what it takes to make it happen. I’m not saying everyone should do that, because not everyone is committed enough for those sacrifices. But generally speaking, it is possible to save money for visits if you’re committed to making it happen. The LW’s male friend is clearly not that invested in her. If he wanted to, he would make sure he had time off work and go see her occasionally.

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      • avatar

        Ktfran January 5, 2012, 2:40 pm

        This statement really bothers me . . . “I’m not saying everyone should do that, because not everyone is committed enough for those sacrifices.”

        I could be just as committed to my boyfriend but choose to enjoy delicious foods and nights out with the girls while seeing my boyfriend every other weekend. If a relationship works that way, that doesn’t mean that there is any less commitment. People do not need to spend all there free time together. It’s great that you and your bf prefer that, but not everyone does.

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      • theattack

        theattack January 5, 2012, 4:04 pm

        I agree with you. I really did not mean that couples have to spend all of their weekends together. But they should spend SOME of their weekends together. They shouldn’t sacrifice everything to be together, but long-distance couples HAVE give up other things sometimes. That’s just the nature of living in different places. And yes, people usually only make these sacrifices for people they’re committed to.

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  • avatar

    silver_dragon_girl January 5, 2012, 9:05 am

    Here’s a life tip for anyone who hasn’t learned it the hard way yet: No one can or cannot “let” you end a relationship. No one can or cannot “let” you get over them. That is our own responsibility.

    LW, it is well within your power to cut this guy off. Stop texting him. Stop answering his texts. De-friend him on Facebook. Stop talking about him. Go out on a date with a new guy or two. There are many, many active steps you can take here to end this situation. This guy is never going to just drop everything and be the boyfriend you want.

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  • avatar

    2_J January 5, 2012, 9:07 am

    Plain and simple, he’s making exscuses because he doesn’t have the man balls god gave him to say “hey, you know, you’re real fun and i like seeing you but this isn’t working out. Have a good one” even that, although without any sympathy, would and should be enough to end any and all of that. You’re just stroking his ego and he knows he’s got something pretty much whenever HE wants it, and you’re suffering because of that.Could it be money, car problems, work, sure, but all he had to do was be a man and knock it off if it just wasn’t working out.so just dtmfa already , you’ll feel better once you go out on your next first date with a man who lives a bit closer. Good Luck!

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  • avatar

    katiebird January 5, 2012, 9:16 am

    He is trying to do a fade out and its not working too well. MOA, there are much better guys out there.

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  • avatar

    Kerrycontrary January 5, 2012, 9:21 am

    Girl….In addition to this guy not being into you, he’s straight up lying to you. I will bet you 300 bucks he didn’t have to work new years eve. In fact, he was probably with his real girlfriend and just prefers the attention you give him. Please keep any remaining shred of dignity you have an walk away.

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  • avatar

    bethany January 5, 2012, 9:26 am

    LW- MOA!

    This guy is NOT into you. As others have said, he likes the attention, and he doesn’t care that he’s leading you on. You are not in a relationship with him, and he isn’t “not letting you end it”. Stop talking to him. Stop returning his texts. I promise you that if you stop replying to him, in about a week or so he’ll stop texting and calling.

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    • avatar

      ReginaRey January 5, 2012, 9:51 am

      I don’t even think it would take a week. I’m pretty sure if she stopped communicating with him…she’d never hear from him again.

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      • caitie_didnt

        caitie_didn't January 5, 2012, 10:07 am

        for reals. Girl, you need to M right O A!!

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  • avatar

    kittyk January 5, 2012, 10:18 am

    LW, I was in a similar situation to you when I started dating my current boyfriend. Similar in that when we met we lived 2hrs apart and for a couple months saw each other once a month, maybe two. From what you said it started around the same time of year. After Halloween, we started seeing each other almost every weekend, taking turns making the trip. We had separate Christmases, but spent New Years and my birthday together (early Jan). By this time, we were planning a vacation together for late January.

    We had that same conversation, about how this was turning into something special, something serious, with a possible future. And then we continued to see one another.

    We both worked crazy schedules but made time for each other because we really wanted to see each other. I only tell my story because THAT is what it should look like, if he is really serious about you.

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  • landygirl

    Landygirl January 5, 2012, 10:30 am

    The best advice I can give besides MOA is to date someone in your own area code. Long distance relationships are difficult to maintain if both parties don’t put effort into it. You like the idea of this guy more than you like the guy. There are other fish in the sea, so get our your fishing pole.

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  • Tracey

    Tracey January 5, 2012, 10:33 am

    When faced with a stressful situation (especially one of her own creation), my mom would joke about it once things were resolved: “I beat my head against a wall because it feels so good when I stop.”

    You’ve beat your head against a wall long enough trying to hold on to a guy you never really had in your grasp in the first place. Now it’s time to stop and MOA.

    Trust me, you’ll feel good once you do. And when the next guy who catches your interest comes along, you’ll be less likely to beat your head against a wall because you’ll now know that if he doesn’t make time for you, then he’s not into you. That should make you feel even better.

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    • avatar

      SweetPea January 5, 2012, 11:04 am

      I always like your advice! Your Mom sounds great!

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      • Tracey

        Tracey January 5, 2012, 11:20 am

        Thank you, SweetPea! And my mom is super cool, too….

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B January 5, 2012, 10:33 am

    Honestly, are there no other guys where you live? He is stringing you along and you are letting him do it. MOA.

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  • avatar

    Caris January 5, 2012, 10:45 am

    I really wish my mom read this site -_-

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    • avatar

      Trixy Minx January 5, 2012, 12:20 pm

      I wish all my friends read this site!

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  • avatar

    melikeycheesecake January 5, 2012, 10:45 am

    “if someone you’re interested in wants to be with you, he’ll be with you.”
    Brilliant response, Wendy!

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  • mandalee

    mandalee January 5, 2012, 10:53 am

    Hello 19-year old me. LW, this is the exact situation I was in at 19. While 16-19. Yes, I actually let this carry out over the course of three years, in between boyfriends as well. He would go through periods where he was really “interested” (aka Bored and needing attention) and would text and call me constantly. Then, he would disappear and come back again. Rinse, wash, repeat.

    The moment I finally woke up and realized I was being played, the time he made the 2 hour trip back to our hometown for TEN DAYS, and claimed he didn’t have time to see me. Please, let this be your wake up call. I highly doubt he worked on New Year’s Eve, I don’t really think you believe it either, or you wouldn’t have written to Wendy. If guys like you, they will drive hours and hours to see you. My now-husband drove over 3 hours to take me out on my first date to drive back right after it, and he made that same trip 4 times in the following week.

    Please, just move on. You deserve a lot better.

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    • theattack

      theattack January 5, 2012, 12:50 pm

      “If guys like you, they will drive hours and hours to see you.” Totally agree here! My current bf and I dated back when I was in high school, and he was in college. He drove thirteen hours and back just to see me on his breaks. My parents wouldn’t let him stay in their house (16 year old girl, you know), so he would occasionally camp in caves and pitch tents in the middle of the woods. If a guy wants to see you, he will put forth effort. Otherwise, you’re probably just his sixth or seventh option.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant January 5, 2012, 2:15 pm

        A cave!? Oh poor thing. I can understand your parents not wanting him to share a bed with their high school age daughter, but its too bad they wouldn’t let him crash on the living room floor.

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      • theattack

        theattack January 5, 2012, 3:58 pm

        I totally agree. My parents and I reeeally had it out over that one. They won’t let us share a bed now, and we’re in our twenties, but not even the couch??

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      • mandalee

        mandalee January 5, 2012, 2:40 pm

        Wow, your boyfriend sounds truly dedicated to seeing you, sleeping in a cave for you? That’s crazy, in a good way. Now let’s put him next to the guy in LW’s letter, and again… just MOA, LW. I know it’s easy to say but harder to do, but this situation is such a waste of time for her.

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      • avatar

        mcminnem January 5, 2012, 5:37 pm

        Holy moly, that is some dedication. You’ve got a good thing 🙂

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    • mandalee

      mandalee January 5, 2012, 2:41 pm

      I just realized it should say “wash, rinse, repeat” in my original post. Damn cold medicine brain.

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  • avatar

    jaybro January 5, 2012, 11:26 am

    The part about this letter that strikes me the most is the fact that the LW doesn’t mention a single good quality about this guy! Letters in which it’s CLEAR to us that the LW should MOA usually have a bit like “oh, he never makes time for me… but he’s so sweet and romantic and blaaaaahhhhhblahblah”. The LW makes no attempt to defend him. Just stop talking to him. Just. Stop.

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  • avatar

    lk January 5, 2012, 11:30 am

    LW… i just started dating someone who lives over an hour from me… not only do i see him multiple times/week, but if we go up where he lives *he drives me* …. so …. this man is willing to drive literally over 4 hours total to hang out with me. & for the first like 10 dates i’m such a freak we never even kissed, so sex is not the motivator. find a real man : ) much more fun & easy

    i re-read my comment to you & it stood out to me that i mentioned i had “just started dating someone” & we’ve been on about… idk…. let’s say 20 dates. that’s a very different perspective that might be helpful for you to stay chilled out if you think of everything as “new & developing” for a longer window of time, instead of wanting it to be “established” as something, thus requiring stressful Serious Relationship Talks, etc.

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  • avatar

    ele4phant January 5, 2012, 11:48 am

    Oh man, this takes me back. When I was 19/20, I went on like four dates with a coworker. It didn’t even get physical really (a little cuddling, maybe, but nothing more), and then he stopped having time to go out with me. Still for months, we texted and called (well, I texted, he just responded), but never hung out again. He was working the night shift, he had a paper due tomorrow, ect ect. Eventually, he didn’t answer when I called, and when he finally got back to me, it was because he had just gone to his GIRLFRIENDS Christmas party. That’s when I finally got it. I was so mortified, and pissed.

    Look LW, as someone who’s been there, I know it sucks. And its true people can be busy, and making distance relationships work is hard, but he’s not into you. If he was, even if he was busy, even if it was far, he would show you he cared. He isn’t interested in dating you. He’s doesn’t even care about you enough to let you know that.

    The reason he still responds to your texts? Probably a combination of boredom, liking the attention, and lack of balls to tell you its not going to happen.

    Please, just let it go.

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    • avatar

      Painted_lady January 5, 2012, 1:24 pm

      God, I “dated” the exact same guy in college. I even MET the girlfriend! They went to lunch one day between performances of the show we were doing together, and he was like, oh, she’s just a friend from high school, and a bunch of our friends from home are here to see the show, so we’re meeting up with them. And then the next weekend of performances, she attended every one and I felt so stupid.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant January 5, 2012, 1:56 pm

        Ohh…that sucks! For me, I think he and a long term girlfriend were broken up (at least according to workplace gossip) when he was hanging out with me during the break. Then when they got back together he tried the fade out, but I was too clueless to get it and eventually he had to outright tell me. Or maybe not, maybe he was dating her the whole time.

        Anyways, I’ve moved onwards and upwards!

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  • avatar

    Painted_lady January 5, 2012, 12:09 pm

    LW, two quick related points to make: when you write in an ask what you should do about this guy, it makes you feel like you have some sort of control. That’s like asking what you should do about having cancer, like having it or not is a choice that’s in your control. You don’t have a choice in whether or not to date this guy, because this guy is choosing not to date you. He is not dating you. He will not date you. He is never going to date you. And there is nothing you can do about that. The only thing in your control is whether you continue to act like you’re dating a guy who isn’t dating you and has made it clear he has no plans to. In other words, you can choose to handle this with dignity and some self-respect, or you can keep clinging on until he does one of two things, either quits answering any of your texts or calls, or has to spell it out for you in incredibly humiliating terms. Choose to be dignified.

    Second point, I think one of the reasons women remain attached to guys like this is also out of a desire for control. There is no guarantee that even the best relationship with the best guy is going to last, but you can usually tell pretty early on, sometimes just upon meeting a guy, that a relationship has no chance of lasting. And from certain perspectives, knowing the outcome is preferable to not knowing, even if the outcome is bad. And if you take yourself out of the game, then you’re not *really* losing…except you are.

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    • avatar

      ele4phant January 5, 2012, 12:30 pm

      “You don’t have a choice in whether or not to date this guy, because this guy is choosing not to date you. He is not dating you. He will not date you. He is never going to date you. And there is nothing you can do about that. The only thing in your control is whether you continue to act like you’re dating a guy who isn’t dating you and has made it clear he has no plans to.”

      I had a male roommate who basically told me exactly this when I was “dating” the guy I posted about before. You (and he) were exactly right – although I didn’t listen at the time.

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    • avatar

      *HmC* January 5, 2012, 12:47 pm

      Fantastic!

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  • avatar

    Temperance January 5, 2012, 12:21 pm

    I think that he has a girlfriend or a wife. I think that you fulfill neither of those roles. Find a local man who actually can be assed to see you once in a while. You deserve it.

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  • avatar

    *HmC* January 5, 2012, 12:37 pm

    “It’s strange…like, why does he keep texting me and not letting me end it if he is so busy or if there’s someone else?”

    Think of this like a lawyer. Or a jury member, whatever. This line above? That’s the only evidence you have that he might like you at all. The rest of the letter is all the evidence you have that he doesn’t like you. So weigh those two sides. What do you think?

    Men sometimes will keep contacting you, sporadically, even though they’re not that interested in you. It happens all the time. Maybe he’s too chicken to cut it off for good. Maybe he likes the attention (maybe sexual?) that he can occasionally get from you. Maybe he’s a werewolf that loves you deeply but doesn’t want to draw you into his chaotic and unorthodox lifestyle (thanks Twilight for encouraging young girls to chase after psychos!). The bottom line is, he simply isn’t behaving like a man that is interested in a relationship, or even a respectful friendship, with you. You’re acting like a doormat. The longer you keep acting like this, the more it will hurt when you finally end it, and the more respect you will have lost for yourself. This is no way for a good man to act, even towards a girl he doesn’t like that much. Cut him loose.

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  • theattack

    theattack January 5, 2012, 12:43 pm

    Unless he works at a club or something, he did not have to work on New Years Eve. For some perspective, my bf and I live five hours apart, and we see each other usually every weekend. Before we were this serious, we saw each other every other weekend, or every two weekends, depending on our schedules. If he wanted to make it work, he would. And if he is actually busy this whole time, then he doesn’t have time for a relationship. But I think you know he’s not telling the truth…

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark January 5, 2012, 2:09 pm

      Actually, there are tons of jobs where he could have to work. The much of the medical profession… Hospitals… EMTs… Firefighters… Cops… Airlines… Restaurants or Hotels…

      That said, he is just so NOT into the LW it’s painfully obvious.

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      • theattack

        theattack January 5, 2012, 3:55 pm

        You’re right, but that was sort of beyond my point. I was mostly just trying to say that he probably does not have a job where he would have to do that. At least where I’m from, most things close down on NYE except for emergency services and bars. I’m just trying to point out that he was probably lying about NYE and just found plans that he thought would be more fun than hanging out with her.

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      • theattack

        theattack January 5, 2012, 3:56 pm

        Crap. Sorry for the duplicates.

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      • theattack

        theattack January 5, 2012, 3:56 pm

        You’re right, but that was sort of beyond my point. I was mostly just trying to say that he probably does not have a job where he would have to do that. At least where I’m from, most things close down on NYE except for emergency services and bars. I’m just trying to point out that he was probably lying about NYE and just found plans that he thought would be more fun than hanging out with her

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    • avatar

      melanie January 5, 2012, 2:10 pm

      Several people have to work on NYE. Payroll specialists… or anything that has to do with year end.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark January 5, 2012, 1:26 pm

    Oh dear. Yet a another can-I-please-possibly-be-the-most-desperate-person-ever-to-post-here letter. Yikes. Just yikes. Not much else to say. Everybody covered this one VERY well…

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    • avatar

      Lamp January 5, 2012, 2:27 pm

      Omg, that is a great idea. I would love to see a compilation of the most obvious MOA’s (not including the quickie little letters Wendy does sometimes). You know. For the lulz.

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      • avatar

        Meredith January 5, 2012, 10:31 pm

        I vote for that one where the bf disappeared and his whole family went to jail and she couldn’t go to his place bc his dogs would attack her? Anyone remember that one? It should go in the Dear Wendy hall of fame!

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark January 6, 2012, 4:24 am

        Oh, heck yeah. You are so right about that hot mess! It could very well be the all time craziest letter yet.

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  • avatar

    AKchic January 5, 2012, 2:30 pm

    2.5 hours away from you. To see you, that is 5 hours out of his “busy” life. I say “busy” because you don’t really KNOW if he’s working or not. You have to believe his story. You aren’t a part of his life at all. You are a virtual reality for him. Something on the side, at best.

    If he truly wanted to see you, he’d see you. Trust me. I’ve had a guy make a spur of the moment trip from MT to AK to visit me after reconnecting on myspace through a mutual friend when we hadn’t talked since 2nd grade when he moved to MT. We spent five days hanging out and catching up and had a great time. No sex involved. You are offering sex, and it’s cheaper and faster to get to you.

    Delete this bozo’s number and just stop contacting. Don’t even bother to “dump”. Seriously, there’s no real relationship. He won’t contact you once you stop contacting him. If he does, ignore him. Just ignore him. He’ll get the hint after a few days. Move on with your life and find someone who will actually make the effort.

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  • sobriquet

    sobriquet January 5, 2012, 3:58 pm

    You sound like a booty call. Maybe not at first, since he made time to see you once a month, but definitely now. You were the best he could get on Halloween. For NYE, it sounds like he found someone better (and probably closer to home). He’s texting you to keep his options open. Use this as a learning experience and move on.

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  • katie

    katie January 5, 2012, 8:02 pm

    LW, just think of it like this:

    best case senario, this guy isn’t a bad guy and honestly does work all the time. dodge a freaking bullet and dont get involved with a work a holic!!

    worst case senario, this guy is a jerk who just keeps texting you for his own pleasure. so dodge a bullet and moa!!!

    either way, this wont be a good “relationship” for you

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    • avatar

      ele4phant January 5, 2012, 9:48 pm

      Good point. Even if he geniuly is interested in her (which honestly, we all know he isn’t), does she really want to spend her life with someone who works so obsessively he can’t even get away for one of the biggest holidays of the year?

      Think what an entire lifetime with that would be like, getting married, essentially living in an empty house while he works late into the nights and gets up at the crack of dawn. Working on weekends. Working on holidays. Even when he’ is home he’s probably still “working” in some capacity and not fully present. What if they had kids? They’d essentially have no father! Yikes.

      Just let him go LW, let him go.

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  • avatar

    Red_Lady January 5, 2012, 10:25 pm

    Why does he never make time for you? Because you’re not his girlfriend, hell, you’re not even dating! Obviously this isn’t going to work out, so please just MOA already. Find someone who actually wants to date you before you invest months in them

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  • avatar

    Meredith January 5, 2012, 10:36 pm

    You should read that book He’s Just Not That Into You. It’ll change your whole outlook on things. I so loved it back in my single days when I was young and dated a lot of guys who were just not that into me. (I was just a little slow on the uptake…) It changed my whole game lol. But seriously, I do recommend the book.

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